298  ACT Made Simple

The Good Self/Bad Self Exercise

An extract from ACT Made Simple, 2nd edition, by Russ Harris

Exercises to Defuse from Self-Concept

Clients will often say, “I have no self-esteem” or “I want more self-esteem.” While there are dif-
ferent constructs of self-esteem, most of them boil down to this: self-esteem = building up a positive
self-image. The majority of self-esteem programs place huge emphasis on evaluating yourself posi-
tively, focusing on your strong points, and trying to reduce or eliminate negative self-judgments.
However, from an ACT perspective, fusing with your self-image is likely to create problems whether
it is positive or negative. The following transcript of a defusion exercise makes this clear (I hope).

The Good Self/Bad Self Exercise

This is a simple but powerful exercise for defusion from self-concept. You’ll need a paper and pen to
do it.

Client: But high self-esteem is good, isn’t it?

Therapist: Well, you have three young kids, right?

Client: Yeah.

Therapist: So suppose your mind tells you, I am a wonderful mother. I do a brilliant job. Now if you
hold on tightly to that thought, there’s no doubt it will give you high self-esteem. But
what happens if you get completely hooked by it? Go through your day convinced you’re
a wonderful mom, doing a brilliant job with no need for improvement?

Client: (chuckles) Well, it’s not true for a start.

Therapist: Okay, so one cost is you lose touch with reality. What else? What might happen to your
relationship with your kids if you 100 percent believed that everything you did was
wonderful?

Client: I guess I might not realize when I was doing things wrong.
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Therapist: Sure. You would lack self-awareness, and you’d probably become insensitive. And then
you wouldn’t grow and develop into a better mom because that only happens when you
can see your mistakes and learn from them. Now let me ask you: suppose you could
somehow be magically present at your own funeral—you’re an angel or a friendly ghost
or you’re looking down from heaven—which of these would you want your kids to be
saying: “Mom was really there for me when I needed her” or “Mom had a really high
opinion of herself”?

Client: (laughs) The first one. (confused) But can’t self-esteem help me to be a better mom?

Therapist: Good question. Would you be willing to do a little exercise with me, to find the answer?

Client: Sure.

Therapist: Cool. (Therapist pulls out a blank sheet of paper.) So when your mind wants to beat you up,
what are some of the nastiest things it says to you?

Client: (sighs) Same old stuff. I’m fat. And I’m dumb.

Therapist: Okay. So this is the “bad self”: “I’m fat” and “I’m dumb.” Anything else? (Therapist elicits
a few more negative self-judgments and writes them all down on one side of the paper. He then
turns the paper over.) Now on those rare occasions when your mind is being nice to you,
what are some of the nice things it says about you?

Client: Um. I’m a good person. I’m kind to others.

Therapist: Okay. So this is the “good self.” “I’m a good person” and “I’m kind.” Anything else?
(Therapist elicits a few more positive self-judgments and writes these all down on the flip side
of the paper.) This is a bit like that exercise we did a couple of sessions back. So if you’re
willing to, please hold the paper up in front of your face so you can read all the negative
stuff. That’s it—hold it right up in front of you so that’s all you can see. (Client holds the
paper in front of her face, cutting off the therapist from her view.) Hold it tightly. Get all
caught up in your “bad self.” Now, that’s very low self-esteem, isn’t it?

Client: Yeah.

Therapist: And imagine that directly in front of you is everything that’s important in life; all the
people and places and things and activities that matter to you. So while you’re all caught
up in these stories about yourself, what happens to the rest of your life?

Client: It’s gone.

Therapist: Do you feel engaged, connected with the people you love and the stuff that matters?

Client: No. I can’t see it.

300  ACT Made Simple

Therapist: Okay. Now turn the paper around, so you’re looking at all those positive thoughts about
yourself. That’s it—and keep it up there right in front of your face. (Client turns the paper
around and continues to hold it up in front of her face.) Now get all caught up in your “good
self.” Hold it tightly—let yourself get hooked with all those lovely positive thoughts. And
now you’ve got really high self-esteem. But what’s happening with the rest of your life,
over here? Do you feel engaged, connected with the people you love and the stuff that
matters?

Client: (chuckling) No.

Therapist: Okay. Now put the paper down on your lap. (Client does so.) Now, does that make any
difference?

Client: (Client looks at the therapist. They both grin.) Much better.

Therapist: Easier to engage and connect with the stuff that matters?

Client: Yes.

Therapist: And notice, as long as you let it sit there in your lap, it doesn’t matter which way up the
paper is—good self, bad self doesn’t matter—if you’re not holding on to it or getting
absorbed in it, it doesn’t stop you from doing what you want to do. So in terms of being
the sort of mom you want to be, what’s more important? Trying to hold on tightly to all
these thoughts about how good you are, and get away from the negative ones, or engag-
ing and connecting with your kids and really being there for them?

Client: Being there for my kids, of course.