CAR PARTS

by Samantha Cooper

Contact:
Samantha Cooper
260 Convent Ave #62
New York, NY 10031
samanthaj.cooper@gmail.com
Characters
ARNOLD – male, thirty-five years old
EMILY – female, thirty years old, Arnold’s wife
TODD – male, twenty-eight years old
LANA – female, twenty-six years old
JERRY – male, fifty-three years old, dead

Setting
Current.
Anywhere.
 (A chair is thrown across an empty stage.
ARNOLD runs across the stage, picks up
the chair, and puts it at center stage.
EMILY enters, stares at ARNOLD and
clears her throat. ARNOLD gets up, takes a
chair from the audience and puts it to one
side of his chair. EMILY sits. They have
created the front seat of a car.)

ARNOLD
We need a new car.

EMILY
I married an idiot.

ARNOLD
Now, Emily, that’s not very nice. (moment) This car does feel like it could fall apart…(EMILY is texting.)
Thanks for coming.

EMILY
Sure. I’ve got a date in an hour so let’s make this quick.

ARNOLD
A date?

EMILY
Um…A meeting with my business associate.

ARNOLD
Oh. Well, it shouldn’t take long. We just have to dump him in the lake.

EMILY
I don’t want to get my hands dirty. I just got a manicure.

ARNOLD
Todd and Lana are coming. They’ll do all the lifting and moving.

EMILY
Who are Todd and Lana?

ARNOLD
I work with them. They’re third grade teachers at my school.

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 EMILY
Whatever. (checks her phone) Oh. My date is in a half an hour now.

ARNOLD
Okay. (moment) Listen, I know we shouldn’t be hashing out our personal difficulties at a time like this. It’s
not good form to talk about one’s personal issues when you’re toting around a dead person but…I think it’s
time we have a civilized adult discussion about our obvious marital woes.

EMILY
You’re an idiot.

ARNOLD
I love you too honey. And I really think we should consider letting go some of your people. They’re
depleting a lot of our finances currently. Do you really need that business associate…

EMILY
Gerald.

ARNOLD
…Gerald…for a business you don’t run. And a personal assistant…

EMILY
Howard.

ARNOLD
And a tennis pro?

EMILY
Timothy.

ARNOLD
You see what I mean? You’re so nonchalant about it.

EMILY
I’m a busy woman. I need a staff.

(Another chair flies across the stage from

the opposite direction. TODD runs across
the stage and grabs the chair and places it
in the same way as ARNOLD has.)

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 TODD
Sorry I’m late. What’s the good word my friend? Hello again Emily.

EMILY
Have we met?

ARNOLD
At the teacher’s picnic last summer dear. (TODD reluctantly nods in agreement.)

EMILY
Oh. This can’t take long. I have a meeting with a business associate like twenty minutes.

TODD
What? Do you have to run over finances or something? Stock options?

EMILY
Something like that.

(ARNOLD laughs. LANA enters.

TODD notices and retrieves a
chair for her from the audience.
They’re in the backseat.)

TODD
You know, all my business associates are men. A real boy’s club, if you will.

EMILY
You work at an all boys school, don’t you?

TODD
I consider my students my business associates.

EMILY
That’s sick. (to ARNOLD) Maybe we should dump him in the lake too.

TODD
I’m sorry. What are we talking about?

ARNOLD
My wife’s various business associates.

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 TODD
Then I’m right on track.

LANA
She fucks her business associates Todd. That’s why she’s grossed out.

TODD
Oh. Oh my.

ARNOLD
How do you know that?

LANA
I read her blog.

ARNOLD
There’s a blog?

EMILY
Inquiring minds want to know. I update daily.

TODD
Oh! Is that the one…Where she?…On top of the?…In the middle of…? (LANA nods.) Oh my god I love that
blog! (taps on EMILY’s shoulder) I love your blog! Your work is impeccable.

EMILY
Thanks. I try to do my best.

TODD
Oh, I bet you do…do…it…your best. (TODD and LANA giggle.)

ARNOLD
Do you two have to be so vulgar?

LANA
Yes. Oh! Speaking of vulgar and disgusting, is Jerry in the trunk?

ARNOLD
…Oh no.

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 EMILY
You forgot Jerry didn’t you?

ARNOLD
I didn’t forget him! I just…didn’t remember to move him to the trunk.

TODD
Where is he?

ARNOLD
Don’t look down.

(They look around but don’t see him.

TODD looks offstage and sees JERRY.
TODD runs off stage and grabs him.
JERRY lays down in the “backseat”. Once
he is in place, TODD and LANA both look
down.)

LANA TODD
(simultaneously) Ewwwwwwwwwwww. (simultaneously) Stop the car Arnold.

ARNOLD
I’m not going to stop until we get to the lake.

LANA TODD
(simultaneously) Oh god, he’s rotting all over me! (simultaneously) Stop the car Arnold!

ARNOLD
No. I’m driving and I get to make all the decisions. I won’t stop until we get to the lake.

LANA
Gross! How long has he been dead? I think he’s beginning to release his bowels.

TODD
STOP THE CAR ARNOLD!

ARNOLD
I said no. For god’s sakes, would you listen to me for once? I’m making the decisions now. It is so…

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 (EMILY punches ARNOLD knocking him
out of the car. Everything is quiet for a
moment.)

EMILY
He was bugging me.

(ARNOLD groans and gets up. He grabs

his chair and sits in the audience. LANA
and TODD struggle with JERRY in the
back seat. The following dialogue should
come rapidly.)

LANA
Um Arnold? We still have something to take care of up here. You think you could join us?

ARNOLD
(to whoever will listen) She really punched me.

EMILY
You were bugging me.

LANA
Okay you two, fight about your shitty marriage later. We have a situation that requires a little more than
funny hi-jinxs.

ARNOLD
(overlapping) You punched me right in the face!

EMILY
Arnold. Get back here. You are embarrassing me.

ARNOLD
No.

EMILY
Arnold… (ARNOLD will not answer.) What can I do to get you to come up here?

ARNOLD
An apology would be nice.

EMILY
I’m not going to apologize. You were hysterical.

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 LANA
Just apologize Emily. We’ve got to get rid of this body. He smells really bad.

TODD
His wife is going to notice he’s gone pretty soon. She’ll probably call the police…

ARNOLD
You know, I agreed to let you come because you promised you would take it easy on me. I…I wanted to be
closer to you. I thought you’d be good support.

EMILY
Arnold…I’m trying to support you but…this is sick.

ARNOLD
Oh forget it. You don’t like me anymore. I can tell.

EMILY
Well…no. Not really, but that shouldn’t stop you from finishing this job.

ARNOLD
Why don’t you just go to your date? Meet your “business associate.” So you don’t have to be around
someone you don’t like.

EMILY
I wouldn’t have come at all if that were the case.

ARNOLD
Our marriage is over isn’t it?

EMILY
Oh Arnold. Quit acting like a child.

ARNOLD
I’m serious. There’s nothing here anymore, is there?

EMILY
Arnold…No. I don’t think there is.

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 ARNOLD
Oh. (moment) I want to see the blog with all your lovers.

EMILY
The blog isn’t important.

ARNOLD
Oh? I would like to read about the demise of our marriage since I obviously wasn’t a part of it.

(TODD has given up trying to move JERRY

to the trunk. He has been watching
ARNOLD and EMILY. LANA still struggles
with JERRY.)

LANA
A little help?

EMILY
I’m not going to let you see it. I think we should talk instead.

ARNOLD
Todd and Lana got to read it.

EMILY
So?

ARNOLD
So? So! They don’t even know you very well!

EMILY
Exactly.

TODD
Actually…we met…

ARNOLD
…At the teacher’s picnic last summer. I told you that.

TODD
No. Actually we met at the Christmas party last year. I was handing out the egg-nog.

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 EMILY
Oh! That’s right. Didn’t we…?

TODD
Yeah we did. It’s the blog from December 12th if you want to relive the magic. (winks)

LANA
(yells) For god’s sake, we have to dump this dead guy in the lake now before the other teachers figure it out.
SHIT!

(Silence. ARNOLD brings his chair back

and they all get back into the “car”. This
time gravity of the situation is more obvious.
JERRY remains in the “backseat”, dead.
They are quiet.)

LANA
Did anyone see you take him out of the building?

ARNOLD
No. Most people try to avoid his office so it wasn’t a problem.

TODD
So…we’re covered?

ARNOLD
Looks like it.

LANA
Yeah. We’re covered.

ARNOLD
Good.

(Silence. They drive. They stop. TODD and

LANA get out of the car and carry JERRY
off-stage. TODD and LANA return. They
drive.)

TODD
We did the right thing. Right?

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 LANA
Yes Todd. Call it self-defense.

TODD
Okay. It was self-defense.

(TODD exits. His chair remains.)

LANA
You’ll be okay?

ARNOLD
I’ll be fine. I’ll see you at school tomorrow.

(LANA exits. Her chair remains.)

ARNOLD
Where’s your date? I’ll drop you off.

EMILY
I’m not going anymore. (moment) I’ll let you read it. The blog, I mean. If you want.

ARNOLD
No. I don’t need to see it.

EMILY
Arnold? I still love you.

ARNOLD
No. I don’t think you do.

(ARNOLD parks and exits. All the chairs

and EMILY remain. She is alone.)

End.

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