Karl Tomm’s the Internalized other with couples

Helps to explore and distinguish between the actual person and their own image of that person. This
process creates greater empathy between partners.

Internal images of significant people in life are formed. This image can be less flexible than the actual
person. Problems arise when individuals respond to partners more from their internalized imagine of
that person than the actual person. The partner may sometimes be left wondering where a response
came from, because it is out of proportion to anything they said or did. The internalized other may be
further distorted by internalized imagines of significant others (Now you sound just like my dad after he
had too much to drink). Interviewing an individuals internalized other of their partner helps that person
to distinguish between the actual person and their own imagine of that person. This process also creates
greater empathy between partners. The process is facilitated by constantly using the name of
internalized other while questioning. This process is more than a simple role play; individuals intuitively
feel what is happening inside their partner. Make time for this and also include reflection and check in
on how it was for each partner. Break down the questions and both answer same questions.

Questioning format:

 What is it about the other person that you were drawn to?
 What is it about the other that you most value and appreciate?
 What aspects of the relationship do you want to preserve?
 What changes would you like to see?
 What might you be able to do that would help the situation?
 To what extent do you feel the other has come to experience your turmoil?
 If it took 30 steps to become the person and couple that you desire, how far have you come?
 How do you feel about the movement?
 Do you sometimes worry that the other may stop his or her progress?
 Does this slow you down in your own growth and development?
 How could the other support you?
 Is there anything in particular you would appreciate from the other in this moment?
 Are there other things that might be important for me to ask so that I can understand?

Include reflection on what it was like to be the other.