Your Own Big Brother! Day 1 - @sickyslicker admits straight away that he doesn't like the look of @sexpot_sharon.

He says she looks like a lesbian. As it turns out, @salford_sandra is in fact the only lesbian in the house, although @joeywoww later admits that he is unsure of his true sexuality. 2 - The house sit down for a discussion of how to organise simple chores. @theadzfactor creates tension by stating that the kitchen is where the women belong. @chinees_anne hits him with a Double ended dildo. 3 - The housemates are set their first task by Big Brother - they must make a model of Subo's cunt out of Cheesy cunt mushrooms. After much persuasion by @theadzfactor, they gamble 50% of next week's food budget on completing the task. 4 - Training for the Subo's cunt task is well under way. However havoc ensues when @joeywoww, who is rapidly developing a reputation as the laziest fat bastard in the house, eats half the Cheesy cunt mushrooms. @chinees_anne is furious. 5 - Today is the day when the Subo's cunt task must be completed. Things are going well until shortly before the end when @joeywoww farts and blows Subo's cunt over. Big Brother announces that the task has been a failure. @sexpot_sharon cries. 6 - @theadzfactor gets pecked on the arm by one of the Big Brother chickens. Not a very exciting day. 7 - Big Brother is worried that things are getting dull, so he summons the housemates to have a mass debate about sex. After far too many cans of cider, @sexpot_sharon admits that she likes to be spanked on the arse with a Double ended dildo. @sickyslicker says he never wears condoms because they make his cock sore and @theadzfactor agrees. @salford_sandra goes into a rant about how none of the other housemates have ever enjoyed a true orgasm because they're all boring heterosexual bastards. @joeywoww sits in the corner, quietly eyeing up @theadzfactor. 8 - Today is the first day that the housemates must nominate someone to leave. @sickyslicker goes round everyone one by one, telling them he really likes them because they're the only one in the house that he can really relate to. @chinees_anne and @sexpot_sharon are voted as the two candidates to leave. Nobody votes for @sickyslicker.

9 - @chinees_anne and @sexpot_sharon are told of their nominations and burst into tears, before hugging everyone and telling them they love them. @salford_sandra sings them a song - Swagger jagger - to make them feel better. 10 - The public vote @sexpot_sharon out of the house. She pretends not to be bothered but then breaks down and sobs that she should never have admitted about enjoying being spanked. @sexpot_sharon leaves. 11 - Relationships are strained in the house as the housemates come to terms with @sexpot_sharon's departure. The food budget is low due to the failure of last week's failed task. @salford_sandra has to make do without the cucumber she requested. @chinees_anne is visibly depressed and is comforted by @theadzfactor, who tries to touch her on her Mound. 12 - The Big Brother pyschologist replays the footage of @theadzfactor touching @chinees_anne's Mound over and over again. This is because it shows an interesting psychological incident, of course, not because it will increase the viewing figures. Big Brother sets the housemates the task of jogging on a running machine for twice the circumferance of the globe. They gamble 40% of the food budget on completing it. 13 - The running machine task is on target, despite the fact that @joeywoww refuses to run because his cock hurts a bit. 14 - Much jubilation in the house as the running machine task is completed. @joeywoww finally manages to run the last 10 metres of the task and claims that without him they'd never have done it. @chinees_anne calls @joeywoww a lazy cock. 15 - Once again it is the day when nominations are due. @sickyslicker tells everyone individually that he thinks @chinees_anne is a whore. He also points out that anyone who wants to stay at his flat when the show is finished is welcome to come and visit. @chinees_anne and @theadzfactor are nominated by the housemates to leave. Nobody votes for @sickyslicker. 16 - The nominations are announced. @chinees_anne can't believe she's been voted out two weeks in a row. @theadzfactor is equally stunned and turns to @chinees_anne for comfort. @joeywoww is distraught and confesses to @salford_sandra that he thinks he is in love with @theadzfactor. @salford_sandra says she doesn't fancy any of the housemates because they're all just too heterosexual and she's a lesbian, you know

17 - The public vote @theadzfactor out of the house. @chinees_anne says she is gutted and even gives @theadzfactor a clipping of hair from her Mound to prove how much she cares. @joeywoww is also devastated but keeps his hair to himself. @theadzfactor leaves. 18 - The Big Brother psychologist shows repeated clips of @chinees_anne clipping the hair from her Mound. Apparently this is an important psychological incident. The public obviously agree as viewing figures soar. 19 - Big Brother sets the housemates the task of burping the National Anthem of Japan in 60 seconds. They gamble 50% of the food budget on completing it. 20 - Nobody has a clue what the National Anthem of Japan sounds like but @joeywoww says it's a bit like Dancing Queen. The housemates choose @sickyslicker as the one who must complete the task. 21 - @sickyslicker successfully burps not only the National Anthem of Japan but also God Save The Queen, Swagger jagger and the theme tune to Bargain Hunt. He is proclaimed as a hero, despite the fact that a vote in a tabloid newspaper shows that 98% of the public want to kill him. 22 - Nominations are due and @sickyslicker tells everyone that he has a Villa in the South of France and they can all come and stay for a holiday. @joeywoww and @salford_sandra are nominated. 23 - @joeywoww and @salford_sandra take their nominations well and sit down with @sickyslicker and @chinees_anne to discuss why they voted for them. @sickyslicker keeps quiet but @chinees_anne accuses @joeywoww of being an arrogant, lazy, selfcentred cock before bursting into tears. 24 - The public vote @salford_sandra out of the house and nobody really gives a shit. @salford_sandra leaves. 25 - @sickyslicker becomes the first housemate to have a wank. This footage goes down well with the Big Brother pschologist who proclaims that it gives us a true insight into the working of @sickyslicker's mind and brings out his true personality. In other words, he's a wanker.

26 - Big Brother sets the remaining three housemates the task of shifting 5000 tons of Adele dung using only a Double ended dildo. @sickyslicker is unsure but @joeywoww is confident, claiming to have done something very similar when he was younger. They gamble 50% of the food budget. 27 - Completely out of the blue, @joeywoww breaks down in tears and announces that he is leaving. He claims that it is because the dung-shifting task has brought back the painful memories of the Adele incident from his childhood. @chinees_anne tries to persuade him to stay but @sickyslicker sits in a corner, rubbing his hands slyly. @joeywoww decides to leave. 28 - With only two housemates remaining, the Adele dung task proves impossible. They fail miserably and resort to getting extremely pissed on some vegetable wine, made by @chinees_anne from a couple of mouldy carrots she found in the Big Brother garden. 29 - Nominations are due for the final time. @sickyslicker asks @chinees_anne to marry him and she accepts. Unsurprisingly @sickyslicker nominates @chinees_anne to leave. Rather more surprisingly, so does @chinees_anne. 30 - When the nomination is announced, @chinees_anne graciously accepts defeat and proclaims that @sickyslicker is a worthy winner. As they are soon to marry, she also agrees to shag him. The event is broadcast live to the nation and is preceded by a speech from the Queen. Everyone in the Big Brother production crew breathe a huge sigh of relief as viewing figures go through the roof. @sickyslicker takes his 70,000 and runs away to Japan. Nobody, including @chinees_anne, ever sees him again.