WIVES AND HUSBANDS (21): CATCHING ONENESS (Ephesians 5:22-33) The scene is Garden of Eden. This is quick; be ready.

Eve turns to Adam and says, Adam, Do you love me? Adam replies, Do I have a choice? Heres an even quicker one. A guy is asked about his in-laws. He says, I love all my wifes relatives but most of all I love her husband. Our subject for today? The love of a husband for himself as applied to his wife. We studying the role of husband as lover as laid out in Eph 5:25-32. Six elements characterize the love of a Godly man. It is steadfast, selfless and sacrificial all from verse 25. It is sanctifying, 26-27. It is sympathetic which we will start today, 28-30, and it is sexual (31-32) later. E. Sympathetic Sympathetic -- emphasizes the practical, caring, understanding side of love. It is about tending to all the little things that in total so often make or break a relationship. Any one of them alone wouldnt matter but stack them up and each one counts. This is about a wise husband caring every bit as much about his wifes things as he cares about his own things. It is about the husband loving his wife as much as he loves her husband! Lets read Eph 5:28-30, 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. Three short verses, but a lot there. The first thing that stands out to me is the change in elevation! Until now, weve been on the heights of verse 25, Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church. Any wife hearing that should be giving a robust fist pump Yes! That has driven the first four elements of love that we have looked at. But now -- verse 28 it is, husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. Isnt that a comedown? From Love like Christ to love like you love your own badly abused body? Havent we moved from the sublime to the ridiculous? Well, of course, the answer is No. Every word of Scripture has elevated purpose. Properly understood, this instruction, too, is extremely challenging and edifying. Rather than a change in elevation, its just a change in mountain peaks. Emphasis has moved from theory to practice,
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from doctrine to application. Weve already had the rubber meeting the road; now we have the tires standing up to a ton of daily living. Mike Mason in The Mystery of Marriage, perfectly captures this element. Its lengthy, but hang with me; it is worth it: Quote: When Christ enters a person's life, it is always on the level of morality, an everyday morality of God. It is not religious transports or ecstasies that He deals in primarily, but rather in placing His finger on this or that particular mess in our lives -- on this insult to a friend, on that little white lie or piece of gossip. And so it is in marriage, that where the pressure is felt most is in a whole series of tiny, sharply defined issues of morality, issues which even have a tendency to take the shape of Commandments: Do not squeeze the toothpaste from the top; Honor the day of your anniversary; Remember to take out the garbage; Don't use the power saw when your wife is home because she cannot stand the sound of it; and so on. It is a whole bunch of really little things that can ruin a marriage, because that is what our wills tend to be made up of -- petty, selfish desires. Only another person can challenge and confront us at this deep personal level of our own private well and revealed to us how petty it is. Only a real encounter with another person, day in and day out, can begin to prick the bubble of the ego. End quote. So, how do we prick the bubble of ego? Now, this applies to all of us equally, though we will continue to apply to husbands. What is sympathetic ego-pricking love? Well see three perspectives the Meaning, the Model, and the Manifestations. 1. The Meaning (28-29a) The meaning of sympathetic love is explained for us in verses 28-29a. It goes deep deeper than you think. First phrase: 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. The meaning is something like this: Husbands, you love your body. You do! You care for it in a thousand ways; you cloth it -- for warmth, protection, style and attracting females; you feed it -- for nourishment and gratification; you groom it by bathing, shaving, combing, cutting, clipping, deodorizing, powdering and cologning; you accessorize it with watches, bracelets, chains, moustaches, beards, toupes, rings and tatoos; you build it up through exercise and sports; you care for it by giving it rest, relaxation, football games and doctor visits when necessary; you defend its rights; you recognize the least little abnormality and try to fix it; you do your best to
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accommodate all its desires. You accommodate its limitations and overlook its imperfections. You love it even tho it is not the most beautiful body on the planet. You love your body. Now start doing things for this poor, innocent little lamb who has condescended to be your wife with the same care, understanding and acceptance of flaws you give yourself. A sympathetic love does more than just say, Im so sorry. We could be like the guy who arrives home one night to find his wife sobbing on the couch. He sits down beside her and asked, Honey, whats wrong? She says, Well, I found out my friend Tiffany has been spreading rumors behind my back. He replies, Oh, Im so sorry, but it could be worse. She said, Well, on top of that, I fell off the step and sprained my ankle so badly I can hardly walk. He says, Oh, Im so sorry. But it will heal up. It could have been worse. She says, Well, it gets worse, I got laid off at my job today. He says, Oh, Honey, thats terrible. But you know, it could have all been worse. By now shes fed up. She said, I had a terrible day. How in the world could it be any worse? The guy replies, Well, it could have all happened to me. We may feel for someone and still have that tiny reservation in the back of our mind saying, But thank God its not me. Which is exactly why verse 28 doesnt stop at the first phrase. It goes on. Look at the next phrase. He who loves his wife loves himself. That phrase ups the ante. Weve moved from feeling sorry to true empathy -- from, Love your wife like you do yourself to Love your wife because she is yourself. Its not feel for her; its feel with her. Its not watch her life and feel sorry; its experience life through her. Why? Because she is you! This is deep, so hang with me. Lets reword the verse slightly to get the sense again. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. Because in doing so, he actually is loving his own body. God is no longer seeing two persons here, but one! The underlying assumption for verse 28 is the last little phrase of verse 31, the two shall become one flesh. This profound statement is what ties it all together. Two are no longer two. They are one just as surely as if they have been magically merged together by osmosis. So, of course, when one of them is loving on the other, he or she is really loving on themselves as one half of the new single entity. Sympathetic love seeing two as one. It is like the cartoon that shows a dentist working on a guy sitting in the dental chair. In a guest chair nearby sits a dummy saying , Ouch! What one feels, both feel. When one hurts, both hurt. What one experiences, both experience. What happens to one, happens to both.
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This is a hard concept to illustrate, but consider that Kurt Rollin and I form a new civil engineering company together. I dont know why Kurt would do that, but just suppose. Now suppose that after we have incorporated I botch a calculation on the foundation of the skyscraper we are building in Ft. Collins, and it collapses. It tumbles at night before building is complete, so no one is injured. But there are lawsuits galore. The contractor sues; the county sues; the intended inhabitants of the building sue. Question who is in trouble? Kurt? Or me? Well, you know the answer to that one, dont you? It is not he or me it is we! WE are in trouble. Why we? Because the law does not see he and me. It just sees We were one. As one we feel the sting of financial loss; As one we feel face the consequences of a severely damaged reputation. And, because of Kurts big heart, and not for any legal reason, he feels the shame and agony of my guilt just as much as I do. We have not ceased to be two individuals, but from a legal and even from an emotional and experiential standpoint, we are one. Now apply this to marriage. Sympathetic love is about the oneness of the relationship. It is about the unseen, but very real one new entity that is created when two people say, I do. This is hard because we do not suddenly develop one body and one brain and become a single physical being. Physically, we are the same two people coming out from the wedding as we were going in! But spiritually two have become one. And sympathetic love is about matching outward experience to inward reality. Sympathetic love is about a lifetime project to explore, feel, understand, experience, comprehend and love this singular entity through each of its two external portals one of which I know well, the other I must learn. Now, listen closely here. Most marriage partners think they know each other pretty well. And we love each other in that emotional, eros way. It seems like enough. So we do the worst thing we could possibly do. We stop exploring. We dont see it as a priority; we dont even see it as a need.. We accept that we are one legally; we accept that there may be some mystical sense in which we are also one, but it fails to touch the way we live. Thus over time, the little things the little unexplored, unappreciated, seemingly inconsequential things begin to tear away at the fabric of our oneness. Little things become irritations why because the other person does not think, act or comprehend like us. Unconsciously we want another me. Rather than appreciating the differences, Im just frustrated that I am not living with another me. I forget its these differences, properly
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appreciated that make a new us. Over time we stop learning the other person; we settle into mediocrity, give up hope for better and worst case, consider leaving. Finding another solution. Happiness is not here. Here its messy! Medical doctor and psychiatrist Paul Tournier in his classic book To Understand Each Other, describes one of the thousands of ways this rift can occur. Take a man accustomed to traditional home roles. He presumes a wifes concerns are mundane, simplistic, without real consequence. Her concern is Johnny's new tooth, the neighbor's latest fight, the noise in the washer -- or bad hair. The man, consumed with workplace success, fails to see the importance of his wifes concern for family reflected in these issues. Even if the wife is pursuing her own career, the husband may discover that while he discusses his job in terms of goals and tasks, she speaks of her work from the perspective of personalities and tensions. Because they may be speaking on different planes -- one communicating information, the other feelings -- the husband assumes his wife is incapable of understanding his issues. He withholds information, denying her access to his deepest concerns. Eventually he finds other people with whom to share his ideas, his troubles, and even his dreams. Slowly but inevitably he cuts her out of his life. Later he will complain of his boredom with her. But it is a boredom for which he is responsible. Tournier doesnt say it quite this way, but somewhere along the line he decided there was nothing more worthy of exploration, of understanding, of probing, of knowing. But listen closely again, Beloved. Listen, now. In the very diagnosis there is hope. The marriage stopped because the interest and the exploration and the knowing stopped. But that means that there is knowing yet to be accomplished, uncharted territory yet to be found, new appreciation for old ways yet to be learned. Folks -- there is virgin territory yet to claim! There is still room for two minds to become one, for two emotional bents to become one, for two spirits to become one new spirit and, if this has been lost, for two bodies to become one. This is what sympathetic love is. It is the search for oneness by the recognition that in appreciating and loving the other, I am appreciating and loving myself a new me, yes, but still me. There is room for and need of this in every single marriage. There are no exceptions. Every one can be improved, and many can be saved.
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Let me illustrate sympathetic love. In 1873, a Belgian missionary named Joseph Damien De Veuster went to minister to lepers on the Hawaiian Island of Molokai. He threw himself into meeting people and building friendships. But he was universally shunned every door closed. Undeterred, he poured his life into his work, erecting a chapel, beginning worship services and pouring out his heart. This went on for 12 years and not one convert -- and he determined to leave. On the day he was to leave he stood on the dock, waiting to board his ship, wringing his hands as he thought of the futility of his ministry. Noticing some numbness in his hands, he glanced down to see some mysterious white spots. Immediately he knew he had contracted leprosy. At first appalled, he suddenly saw opportunity. He returned to the colony. Word of his disease spread like wildfire. Within hours everyone knew. Hundreds gathered outside his hut, anticipating the fear, pain and uncertainty he was facing. Then came Sunday. When Joseph arrived at the Chapel, he found hundreds of worshipers there. It was standing room only and His ministry became enormously successful. The reason? He was one of them. Now, please understand what I am about to say. Sympathetic love is about contracting whatever leprosy it is that you think your wife or husband has. Do you see? Instead of dismissing those things that are strange or unreasonable or mysterious or irritating, it is about embracing them; it is about delving behind the scenes to begin to understand why, to know better, to seek solutions. It is learning to accept what absolutely unnerves you. It is about catching the disease too. Because that is what love does. Two become one outwardly, just as they are inwardly. Sympathetic love delves and probes, relates to, understands, proposes and compromises. It loves the other as his or herself because the other is his or herself. Thats the meaning. 2. The Model (29b-30) Now, quickly, the model for this. Verse 29, For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it (well come back to that later. Now notice the example), just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. Christ nourishes and cherishes his church. Why? Because we are his body. We are one with Him. Wait. Stop. Say that slowly. We are one with Him. We say it so glibly and it is so unbelievable. God help us to appreciate we are one with Him.
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How did we get to be one with Him? Well, it sure was not because we became Him. It was because He became us! In the words of Phil 2:7, he was born in the likeness of men. He literally chose to become us. Christ became a man he became us. But, Beloved, it did not stop there. That was only the beginning. Phil 2:8, And being found in human form, he humbled himself (what? Humbled himself further than becoming human? Oh, Yes!) he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. So he became us, but what happened at the cross? The One who had already become us now also became our sin. Why? It was the only way to save us from sin. He became us in nature, and then he became us morally. He did it to redeem us. Sympathetic love accepts that it is one with the one loved -- flaws, imperfections, failures, irritations and all. It seeks to redeem, but it does so by first becoming one with. Kurtis was a stock boy who was smitten the first time he saw the beautiful new check-out girl. She was an older woman (26 to his 22), but one night he offered her a ride home. When he dropped her off, he asked if maybe he could see her again, outside of work. She simply said it wasnt possible. She had two children and couldnt afford a baby-sitter. Kurtis offered to pay for the baby-sitter. Reluctantly she accepted his offer for a date for the following Saturday. Saturday night he arrived at her door only to have her tell him that she was unable to go with him. The baby-sitter had canceled. Kurtis said, "Well lets take the kids with us." She replied that was not an option but he pressed, so finally, Brenda brought him inside to meet her children. She had an older daughter -- cute as a bug, Kurtis thought, and then Brenda brought out her son -- in a wheelchair. He was a paraplegic, born with Down Syndrome. Kurtis response? "I still dont understand why the kids cant come with us?" Brenda was amazed. Most men would run away - just like her first husband and father of her children had done. Kurtis was obviously not ordinary. They loaded up the kids and went to dinner and a movie. When the boy needed to use the restroom, Kurtis picked him up out of his wheelchair, took him and brought him back. A year later, Brenda married Kurtis who adopted both of her children. He had shown her sympathetic love not by feeling with her. He became her. Since then theyve added 5 more of their own. You may know Kurtis as NFL and Super Bowl MVP Kurt Warner. Sympathetic love dies to self daily and becomes one with the
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other, flaws and all. So how do we do this? 1. Re-explore your wife. You can only act, function and love as one if you know your other half. Fifty years -- just a start! Every marriage, every marriage would benefit from an intense effort to learn the other person. Re-explore likes, dislikes, good habits, bad habits, desires, wants, hopes, dreams, successes, disappointments. Find out how she (or he, wives should do this too) feels about the community, about herself, about you. Assume that you know nothing and acquire a new thorough knowledge of your other half. Take notes if need be. Find one new thing a day or a week. Open yourself up in the process. Re-evaluate every assumption you hold. 2. Ask WHY? Once you re-confirm an old fact or find a new one, begin to ask why. Guys, if youve been in Mens Fraternity, you know exactly what Im talking about? Weve been doing it to ourselves. Apply the same principles to your other half. What past wounds are affecting her? What successes or failures have left an indelible impression? Find out who this mystery person is and then begin to think about why. Get into her shoes. Become her. 3. Die to self. Set a goal. One a week. Something. Dying to self means that at long last after 50 years you give up being angry about one bad habit whether you understand it completely or not. If she is late all the time it would be nice to know why talk it out and fix it. But if it aint happening, dying to self is saying, Okay, by Gods grace, thats the last time I will make an issue of time. Against every fiber of my being, I give to God my right to be on time, assume that I will never be on time again because half of me just isnt up to it, and I will love that half just like I love the me half. Die to self. Sometimes you have to catch leprosy to make it work. 4. Plan a future with God. I have to tell you, Im not suggesting something now that we havent done. We would not be in Colorado today if we had not asked, does God want us to travel, play golf, consult a little, speak on weekends and maybe teach a class? Is that what God wants for our retirement, or is it a full-time ministry somewhere given our health holds out and He opens a door? Where are you going? Is God in the plans? There is nothing like getting God in your plans to dynamically affect your sense of purpose and fulfillment, help you concentrate on strengths rather than flaws, increase your intimacy and generally make life worthwhile. Beloved, where does God want to take you? I promise you it is somewhere
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tough, but rewarding, fulfilling, exciting. The closer you come to oneness with Him, the closer you will come to oneness with your spouse. Godly love is about oneness. Lets pray.