Relationship Development using Communication 1

Omar Aboutaleb

Relational Dialectics Theory: Relationship Development using Communication

Department of Communication Studies, University of North Carolina Wilmington

COM 305: Communication Theory

Professor Ashley M. Poole

December 1, 2022
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Introduction

Establishing and maintaining relationships, in college particularly, is a relevant topic all

throughout time and in life. The significance of Baxter and Montgomery’s (1996) Relational

Dialectics Theory (RDT) is evident in everyday life and interpersonal. The relationships do not

create communication, rather communication is what can create, maintain, and destroy

relationships. As my time at UNCW has progressed, I have had to learn the significance of

communication and how ones’ contractions, tensions, and conflict come into play

(inevitably). This paper will discuss relationship building and maintaining through

communication while defining Relational Dialectics Theory, along with giving further

recommendations on how to balance the tensions.

Description of the Situation

Throughout my time in college, I’ve been meeting new people, attending school, playing

soccer for the UNCW men’s soccer team, and maintaining my longstanding friendships and

familial ties but have been met with many bumps along the way. Although these relationships

have been rather beneficial to me regarding support, a sense of belonging, love, etc., they have

their significant challenges that arise as well. Initially, managing all elements of these

relationships seemed simplistic until conflict arose that involved competing needs. For example,

there were days where I needed to rest by myself because of the feeling of being pulled in all

directions, but at the same time, my friends wanted to go train or hang out. In the article it stated,

“keeping a balance between the situation by solving a problem.” (2014) There were instances

where my parents tend to feel overbearing because of their desire to want to know all details of

school and how soccer is going, etc. but I feel as if it isn’t necessarily their business. There are
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instances where my sisters feel neglected due to my inability to commit to all important aspects

in my life equally and openly communicate with them, which causes a strain on our relationship

at times.

Literature Review

“Relational Dialectics Theory (RDT; Baxter & Montgomery, 1996) broadly explains that

our communication is an important factor in how we see (or understand our) relationships.” In

other words, the theory breaks down where people all are different/react different and

compromise to establish and maintain relationships. One of the theory’s primary focuses would

fall on the contradictions in the relationships. Different relationships produce different tensions

which over time, influences a relationship, depending on the level of compromise/level of

communication being produces by the parties involved. RDT establishes this through two key

ideas:

- that communication doesn’t necessarily just happen within relationships, but instead,

relationships exist due to communication

- upon understanding our communication methods, we further understand that our

relationships are based on the tensions created

At any given moment, even if you have never had any type of communication with an

individual (also meaning no relationship is present), the beginning communication is what starts

the basis and foundation of the upcoming relationship but also essential for maintaining that said

relationship if that is what is intended by you. Regardless of how that interaction/communication

transpires, it begins the basis of the relationship just by initiating or engaging.

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Key concepts that are highlighted by the theory include: contradictions, totality, process,

and praxis. When there is an existing contrary between individuals, contradictions are the

result, however, when unity is reached between the individuals, there develops a balance with the

contradictions. Consequentially, this results in reaching totality. The process and praxis

deliberately coincide as different social process occur repeatedly as a part of the process, while

as the process continues, parties involved progress/communicate in an effective manner to

further make decisions regardless of their conflicting wants and needs. This continuous

progression and method of practicability equates to the praxis.

Common dialectics in a relationship or the three primary tensions that are experienced

include: openness/closeness, certainty/uncertainty, and connectedness/separateness. To

maintain a healthy relationship, communication’s ability to be open must be one that is

dependable however, also to its contrary, respect privacy boundaries. The bond in the

relationship, or even a glue, would be the certainty due to it being the concept making sure that

the parties involved are comfortable. With comfort and predictability follows its contrary. This

brings out the possibility of the relationship losing its element of surprise and becoming

potentially boring to the relationship. As said relationship continues to transpire, the individuals

must feel connected in all elements but at the same time, too much of a connection will create a

sense of lack of individuality within each.

Furthermore, the “tensions” that generate are not necessarily negative, although often

deemed to be due to the connotation to the public, but the communication provided to get

through the tensions are what allow the relationships to build and become stronger. The tensions

allow individuals to provide an understanding as to why the relationship is the way it is and

make the conscious decision to communicate and strengthen it or allow it to fall apart for
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whatever reason may be deemed acceptable to those in the relationships/friendships, etc.

Tensions are often compared to a game of “tug of war”, where it tends to be a competition for

those involved regarding what the need or want out of it.

RDT “is a theory of the meaning-making between relationship parties that emerges from the

interplay of competing discourses [i.e., tensions]” (Baxter & Braithwaite, 2008; p. 349). It is

through the ability to both manage the tensions that arise along with resolving them with the use

of communication, that relationships emerge and sustained. We begin to grasp a better

understanding of who we are as well as the relation to others using RDT and its’ importance of

communication. Stated by J. Oncol Pract, “the starting place for effective communication is

effective listening.” (2007)

Analysis of Situation using Relational Dialectics Theory

In interpersonal relationships, the relational dialectics can be applied in several

different instances, especially pertaining to my own life and ability to create and maintain

relationships upon building more as I entered the chaotic world of college. In my attempting to

balance everybody and their needs, I felt as if I was falling victim to being in the middle of a

game of tug of war. Tensions constantly arose and I, subsequentially, often failed to tame the

tensions due to my lack of communication, which is why I stress the importance of

communication. There was the balance between family, old friends, new friends, teammates,

and even myself that I simply was unable to solve until recently.

Upon my arrival to UNCW, it created a separation due to the distance between my

family and I, and even the separation of old friends. All my old friends were separated with not

only distance, but their own college experiences at hand, making constant communication less

of a priority often. It created tensions within my family and especially with my relationship with
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my older sister. Rather than being open with my sister and trusting her to understand my

overwhelmed feelings, I subconsciously closed her out and neglected to communicate that I was

not in fact ignoring her but attempting to balance the everyday weight of life on my shoulders

upon being thrust into this new experience. This theory proved to be relatively true after realizing

that tensions were not necessarily negative, but a way to strengthen your relationships.

Following the separation of my sister and I, I openly and wholeheartedly reached out to her

where she provided me with the comfort, I needed but simultaneously, I provided her with the

reassurance and certainty she needed, as outlined in RDT. This created a stronger bond between

us, which also proves that tensions are key in strengthening relationships. Not only did tensions

arise with my sister, but my parents as well. My parents whom I love undoubtedly, were

separated from me within a blink of an eye, entirely accidental. There were several instances

where they would call to simply ask how I was or if I needed anything, yet I was unable to

answer due to conflicting schedules and priorities. At the time, I did not see how it could

possibly create tension between us, but in retrospect, I see now how this simple act made my

parents feel as if they were unworthy of even getting their calls answered by me. After all my

parents have done and given up for me to have the opportunities that I have today, that was never

my intent towards them, but lack of communication ultimately led to this growing tension.

Their wants and needs were neglected in a way to appease others that were wanting and needing

me at the time as well. Where my parents purely wanted and needed to know that I was okay and

to check up on me, other commitments such as training or relationships such as with my

teammates, were pulling me in the other direction. With the newfound information and

openness/willingness from me to reach out to my parents, I was able to become closer to them,

regardless of the distance between us, again reinforcing the RDT.

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Following my arrival, new relationships were established with new friends, especially my

soccer teammates. Creating those relationships simply began with the primary basis of RDT,

communication. It was relatively easy to establish this open and close relationship with my

teammates because of the close proximity and everyday encounters however, tensions were

bound to arise due to the feeling of being pulled in all directions to appease everybody. There

were times where some teammates wanted to go out, some wanted to stay in and play the game,

others wanted to train, and ultimately, I was left in the middle of this to attempt to please

everybody. Rather than communicating with them what I personally wanted to do, I gave in to

their needs and did what the group did, or I just didn’t respond. The no response from me

because of the internal battle within myself often led to tensions with my teammates and their

uncertainty of me.

While the game of tug of war was occurring within my personal relationships, the ball

was certainly dropped when it came to my personal relationship and honest communication

with myself. There was an internal battle at play with all the weight I felt on my shoulders from

the lack of communication with all my relationships. The cost of not trusting the closeness and

connection to those around me to be able to provide me with the support I needed too was one

that affected all aspects of my life, including: school workload, soccer, relationships, etc. Altman

concludes that there is “great discussion of emotions and feelings, along with self-doubt and

concerns about identity (1973). As relationships continue to develop over time, sometimes

individuals tend to lose a sense of self and in my case, was a tension created by me with me with

the feelings that developed due to my lack of communication.

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Theory Recommendations

Using Relational Dialectic Theory, I now have an understanding on how

communication is crucial in establishing and maintaining relationships and how effective proper

communication methods are. Burleson outlined on how support is developed for an individual

through their ability to solve tensions and how it is critical in the maintenance of relationships

(2002). With the necessary support provided with communication amongst relationships, it is far

more manageable to function rather than feeling overwhelmed, as stated by Burleson (2009). The

theory’s newest outlook also states how there is “no universal right/wrong way to deal with

tensions” and Baxter adds that tensions are necessary and inevitable in all relationships (2008).

Furthermore, conflicts/tensions are not necessarily deemed in a negative connotation in

the sense of the theory. The key would fall on the consistency in the ability to properly

communicate in an effective manner as well as accept contrary behaviors that may have an

impact on me. When impacted, the support developed through the communication allows

individuals such as me to be provided with the reassurance and comfort needed as well.

Conclusion

In conclusion, what the Relational Dialectic Theory stresses and explains is overall how

communication is key in affecting relationships. Our use of communication plays a significant

role in the inevitable tensions that are bound to arise and the ability to solve them. The

management of the tensions tends to lead to strength and development in the persisting

relationships and even a better understanding of them along with understanding our role and who

we are. Although it can be more than difficult to manage these tensions due to the constant

feeling of being pulled in all directions (tug of war), there are benefits that arise with the
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challenges such as the support and comfort needed. With the common arising tensions:

openness/closeness, certainty/uncertainty, and connectedness/separateness, there needs to be

a balance to establish and maintain healthy relationships.

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References

Altman, I., & Taylor, D. A. (1973). Social penetration: The development of interpersonal
relationships. Holt, Rinehart & Winston.

Baxter, L. A., & Braithwaite, D. O. (2008). Relational dialectics theory: Crafting meaning from
competing discourses. In D. O. Braithwaite & L. A. Baxter (Eds.), Engaging theories in
interpersonal communication: Multiple perspectives (pp. 349-361). Sage.

Baxter, L. A., & Montgomery, B. M. (1996). Relating: Dialogues and dialectics. Guilford.

Burleson, B. R. (2009). Understanding the outcomes of supportive communication: A dual

process approach. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 26(1), 21–38.
https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407509105519

Burleson, B. R., & MacGeorge, E. L. (2002). Supportive communication. In M. L. Knapp & J.

A.Daly (Eds.), Handbook of interpersonal communication (3rd ed., pp. 374–424). SAGE.

Communication, in I. (2014, July 7). Relational dialectics theory. Communication Theory.

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dialectics-theory/

Pract, J. O. (2007, November). Developing effective communication skills. Journal of practice.

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