Why You Should Listen to Your

Heart
But also listen to your partner.

KEY POINTS

 Listening to your heart can help you make better decisions through
the science of interoception.
 Studies have shown that bodily signals—particularly from the heart—
offer good guidance about potential choices.
 When our partner is excited about something, we should be, too.
My view of human nature is that all of us are just holding it together in
various ways—and that's okay, and we just need to go easy with one
another, knowing that we're all these incredibly fragile beings. —Alain De
Botton

We all have a voice inside our heads. The little voice tells us what to do,
how to be, and how we should feel about things. This voice can be a
powerful influence on our lives, but it's not always good. The problem with
this voice is that it's often based on our fears and insecurities. We listen to
it because we're afraid of making mistakes or looking foolish. We follow its
advice because we want to feel safe and secure. But, in doing so, we often
end up missing out on opportunities and relationships that could make our
lives happier and more fulfilling.

Guidance From Bodily Signals

The solution is simple: Learn to listen to your heart instead of your head.
When you do this, you'll find yourself making better decisions and reaching
for opportunities that might otherwise have seemed too risky or uncertain.
You'll also care less about what other people think and more about what
makes you happy. So, next time you're faced with a decision, ask yourself:
What would my heart tell me to do? Chances are, it'll be the right choice.
While this might sound like the language of poets, it is actually part of
something known as interoception—a cognitive-affective process of how
well individuals can perceive subtle bodily changes. Studies have shown
that bodily signals—particularly from the heart, offer good guidance about
potential choices.
However, it's important to listen to your heart and your partner's if you're in
a relationship. You need to be able to communicate effectively and
compromise when necessary. If you're not listening to each other, staying
connected and resolving conflicts will be difficult. When we listen with our
hearts, we're able to really connect with our partners on a deeper level and
understand their feelings and needs. This can be tough to do, especially
when we're feeling overwhelmed or stressed, but it's so worth it. When we
truly listen to our partners, we build stronger, more intimate relationships
based on trust, respect, and understanding.

4 Ways to Respond to Others

Responding to others is something we always do, but we may not be aware

of the different ways we can respond to something meaningful to our
partner. This is what listening to our partner’s heart is all about. When they
are excited about something, we should be, too. Of course, when they are
upset, we need to listen with compassion. But we need to be especially
thoughtful when they have something exciting to tell us. Relationship
science has determined that there are four main ways to respond that are
the basis for our interactions responding to our partner’s good news. Only
one strengthens the relationship.

The four are termed passive-constructive, active-destructive, passive-

destructive, and the one we should all strive for—active-constructive.1 Each
of these has its effects on the person being responded to and on the
relationship. I've written more extensively about these on Infijoy, and you
can learn more about them here.

Passive-constructive responding is when we neither support nor oppose

what the other person is saying. For example, if your partner says they got
a new car, we might say, "That's cool." The underwhelmed response can
dampen your partner’s enthusiasm. In the long run, it can feel like sharing
the good news with you isn’t worth the trouble.

Active-destructive responding is when we directly contradict or argue with

what the other person is saying. For example, if your partner says they got
a new car, you might say, "You don't need a new car; your old one was just
fine."

Passive-destructive responding is when we agree with what the other

person is saying but don't add anything positive. For example, if your
partner says they got a new car, we might say, "Yeah, I guess that's OK."
Or we might usurp their good news with ours: “I just got a promotion!”
But active-constructive responding (ACR) happens when you listen to your
partner’s heart. Their joy becomes your joy. If they tell you they got a new
car, you’d want to say, “What kind did you get? When is it coming? You
must be thrilled!” The goal of ACR is to have them relive their experience
and to show your excitement for their heart’s desire.

When couples can do this, they do more than celebrate life together; they
bring out the best in each other. Studies also show that couples who
engage in active-constructive responding cultivate a shared reality,2 the
experience of having an inner state believed to be shared by others. It is
arguably, but likely, one of the best feelings to have in a relationship. It is
what we look for in a partnership. As the English poet John Keats more
eloquently said, "Two souls with but a single thought, two hearts that beat
as one."

It is so important to be in tune with your own emotions and feelings, and it

is also important to be able to listen to and understand your partner's
emotions and feelings. If you can do both of these things, you will be able
to create a strong, lasting relationship built on love and mutual
understanding.