"Ma, I passed!

"

I remember my throat closing up as I stare mindlessly at the orange, dusky clouds. Passing the Commented [1]: Formality error: avoid two-word verb
phrase. Redact to "closing" or use "tightening."
Big Four universities was bittersweet. It's a great opportunity, but I knew it was time to say Commented [2]: Impersonality error: must use third-
person-point-of-view.
goodbye to the viridescent fields, tall coconut trees, and the very Philippine-esque houses with
iron sheet roofs in our province. From our home, the country genuinely shouts its signature
stunning natural beauty paired with a population of all smiles and a mannerism of helping each
other. Yet nothing is permanent, as to grow is to change. Commented [3]: Impersonality error: must use third-
person-point-of-view.

My travel experience to Manila for college is unprecedented. The usual green views I had seen
all my life transitioned into polarized urban areas, where luxurious condominiums stand tall Commented [4]: Impersonality error: must use third-
person-point-of-view.
alongside slums and shanties. Where families huddle together on cold pavements of roads left Commented [5]: Formality error: avoid two-word verb
phrase. May use "towering" instead.
and right with cardboard signs that read "Anything helps." As someone who came from a family
Commented [6]: Formality error: avoid two-word verb
that was poor before, this has truly been heart-shattering. phrase. May use "gather" instead.
Commented [7]: Formality error: replace with
In a report by Belgith, Fernandez, and David (2022) from the World Bank, the Philippines has "everywhere."
Commented [8]: Formality error: avoid two-word verb
significantly reduced poverty. Poverty decreased by two-thirds, from 49.2% in 1985 to 16.7% phrase. May use "originated" instead.
in 2018, because of rapid economic growth and the expansion of non-agricultural jobs. By 2018, Commented [9]: Impersonality error: must use third-
person-point-of-view.
the middle class had grown to around 12 million people, and there were 44 million individuals
considered to be in economic security. Superficially, great news! Yet, inequality remains
dystopically high: the top 1% in the socioeconomic pyramid collectively receives 17% of the
nation's income, and only 14% drips down to the poorest 50%.

Bridging the gap of income inequality is a crucial pursuit for the Philippines, as it is a key
ingredient to achieving a society that is free from poverty and a thriving middle class. The World
Bank, in its quest for tackling this issue, has put forward an array of measures that the Commented [10]: Formality error: avoid two-word verb
phrase. May use "proposed" instead.
government can implement to improve access to top-notch education and healthcare, invest in Commented [11]: Hedging error: tweak to "could."
rural development, and revamp tax policies to bolster wealth redistribution (Valenzuela, Wong,
& Zhen, 2017).

We are living in an age of unprecedented technological advancement, and we are fortunate to Commented [12]: Impersonality error: must use third-
person-point-of-view.
be able to conceive of solutions to tackle such pervasive problems, despite being just a student.
Commented [13]: Impersonality error: must use third-
Nevertheless, I am determined to make my voice heard by writing compelling articles, engaging person-point-of-view.
in discussions with policymakers, and speaking with my peers on a multitude of platforms to
advocate for change. Having once dwelled in the slums, I believe that every individual, Commented [14]: Formality error: avoid two-word verb
phrase. May use "reside" instead.
irrespective of their social standing, deserves equal access to opportunities and basic needs. Commented [15]: Impersonality error: must use third-
person-point-of-view.
The issue of income inequality in the Philippines is a multifaceted one, affecting the lives of
millions of people and perpetuating the cycle of poverty. It requires a concerted effort from all Commented [16]: Hedging error: tweak to "may
require."
stakeholders, including the government, businesses, civil society, and citizens. Despite being
only a student, I am resolute in my commitment to advocate for change and use my voice to Commented [17]: Impersonality error: must use third-
person-point-of-view.
promote social justice and equality for all.

Additional comments:

3. Yes, I have provided an introduction, body, and conclusion,

4. I have acknowledged my sources except for the second one in the reference list. I was not
able to provide an in-text citation for that source.

5. I have committed plagiarism as I was not able to provide an in-text citation for one of my
sources.

6. I have followed the given format.

References:

Belghith, N., Fernandez, F., David, C. (2022) Overcoming Poverty and Inequality in
the Philippines : Past, Present, and Prospects for the Future (English). Washington,
D.C. : World Bank
Group.
http://documents.worldbank.org/curated/en/099325011232224571/P17486101e29310810abaf0
e8e336aed85a
Rivas, R. (2022, November 28). Philippines’ wealth gap widens despite reduced poverty –
World Bank. RAPPLER. https://www.rappler.com/business/philippines-wealth-gap-widens-
despite-lowered-poverty-world-bank-report/
Valenzuela, M., Wong, W., & Zhen, Z. (2017). INCOME AND CONSUMPTION

INEQUALITY IN THEPHILIPPINES: A STOCHASTIC DOMINANCE ANALYSIS

OF HOUSEHOLD UNIT RECORDS. ADBI Working Paper Series.