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EXERCISE HANDOUT
CLEARER WRITING
Workshop

INTRODUCTION: What is clearer writing?

EXERCISE 1
Highlight all words that make the paragraph flow more clearly.

Health research

Over the past 30 years, research in the health arena has attracted psychologists,

anthropologists and sociologists. The focus of psychological research in this area is

concerned with individual motives, attitudes and beliefs in relation to both health and

illness. Anthropological studies, however, are concerned with culture and health care.

Such studies concentrate on a conception of disease as a cultural product, and on the way

social and cultural life in the past affects beliefs about health and illness. In sociological

studies, the emphasis is similar but focussed more on social relations within a particular

social structure with respect to medical care.

COURSE OUTLINE

English draws on a number of different linguistic resources for linking ideas together in texts.
These resources can be summarised as follows:

• Paragraph Structure

• Information Structure

• Vocabulary and Reference

• Conjunction






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We will deal with each of these in this course. See examples of each in Exercise 1 paragraph.

EXERCISE 1 Paragraph
Health research
Over the past 30 years, research in the health arena has attracted
psychologists, anthropologists and sociologists.

The FOCUS of psychological research in THIS area is CONCERNED

with individual motives, attitudes and beliefs in relation to both health and illness.
Anthropological studies, HOWEVER, are CONCERNED with culture and health care.
SUCH studies CONCENTRATE on a conception of disease as a cultural product AND on the
way social and cultural life in the past affect beliefs about health and illness.
In sociological studies, the EMPHASIS is similar, BUT FOCUSSED more on social relations
within a particular social structure with respect to medical care.

UNIT 1 PARAGRAPH STRUCTURE

EXERCISE 2 PARAGRAPH STRUCTURE

Predict contents of each paragraph about poverty from its first
sentence.

Paragraph 1
Poverty has its root cause in the modes and relations of production, what Marx termed the
economic base.

Paragraph 2
There are over two million Australians living in various degrees of poverty, giving lie to
popular beliefs about Australia as 'the affluent society.

EXERCISE 3 PARAGRAPH STRUCTURE

Read complete Paragraphs 1 and 2. Check how well you predicted in Exercise 2.
What do you think is the purpose of each text?






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Analyse the structure (Topic, Body, Conclusion) of each paragraph.

Paragraph 1 STRUCTURE

Poverty has its root cause in the modes and relations of production, what
Marx termed the economic base.
Although poverty may have as its immediate causes such things as
unemployment, exploitation and under development, these in turn are
caused by the political and economic system which exists in that society.
For example, the capitalist mode of production means an unequal
distribution of wealth, which in turn causes poverty.
What is needed to end poverty in society is to change the political and
economic structures. (Student text)

Paragraph 2 STRUCTURE

There are over two million Australians living in various degrees of poverty.
Popular beliefs about 'the affluent society' simply do not apply to them.
Poor people consist of many different groups.
Whether they are women or men, old or young, migrant or Australian, black
or white, married or single, they show common characteristics: they are
powerless, voiceless and unorganised.
In fact, most of them probably feel they have no right to raise their problems
in public.
Some of them are proud, and fiercely independent, others are meekly
submissive; while others again try to put on a brave face and struggle on
stoically, preoccupied with survival.
(Australians in Poverty, Hollingworth P, Nelson 1979)

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EXERCISE 4 PARAGRAH STRUCTURE

The following student paragraph on poverty includes three stages - Topic, Body and
Conclusion - but they are in the wrong order.

Reorganise sentences to form a coherent text. (Number sentences)

Circle words or phrases which influenced your reordering.

a) The existence of relative poverty is determined by comparison with the normal

standard of living of a society.
b) Both types of poverty are problems for the government and people of the country.
c) In Australian society, for example, relative poverty exists as shown in the statistics
for child poverty.
d) Absolute poverty is generally restricted to the Third World where basic life
essentials are lacking.
e) Poverty occurs when requirements for basic living are not met.
f) Two types of poverty can be seen in the world today, absolute and relative.
g) These life essentials are food, fuel and shelter.

WORKING ON YOUR OWN WRITING: (POST WORKSHOP ACTIVITY)

Part 1 PARAGRAPH STRUCTURE

Does your paragraph (or paragraphs) have a Topic, Body and Conclusion?
What sub-stages does the Body have?

Consider the purpose of your paragraph and what aspect you intended to develop.

Rewrite your paragraph, if you need to, to make sure that you have made the topic
clear to your reader.

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UNIT 2 INFORMATION STRUCTURE

EXERCISE 5 INFORMATION STRUCTURE

Compare two paragraphs on Communication Media. How do the
sentence beginnings differ and what focus do they give to readers?

Communication 1

In the earliest times, people carved or painted messages on rocks. Later on, people wrote on

pieces of leather, rolled into scrolls. During the Middle Ages, heavy paper called parchment

was used for writing, and books were laboriously copied by hand. Then, in the middle of the

fifteenth century, with the invention of the printing press, the birth of the modern printing

industry was possible. And now the advent of computers is rapidly revolutionising

communication.

Communication 2

Rocks, on which messages were carved or painted, were the earliest medium of written

communication. Pieces of leather, however, had the advantage of being portable when rolled

into scrolls and they replaced rock carvings. These leather scrolls were in turn replaced in the

Middle Ages. Parchment books took over and were laboriously copied by hand until the

invention of the printing press. Printed books have been central to communication for

centuries, but various forms of electronic media will replace them in the end.

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EXERCISE 6 INFORMATION STRUCTURE

Underline Themes in the paragraph below about ‘Stress’.

Stress
Stress is a term adopted from engineering science by psychology and medicine.

Simply defined, stress in engineering means force upon an area. As so many forces are

working upon us in the modern age, and we find it extremely difficult to cope under so

much pressure, stress is called the "disease of civilization". Phillip Zimbardo, in his

"Psychology and Life", traces four interrelated levels at which we react to the

pressures exerted upon us from our environment. The four are: the emotional level, the

behavioural level, the physiological level, and the cognitive level. The emotional

responses to stress are sadness, depression, anger, irritation and frustration. The

behavioural responses are poor concentration, forgetfulness, poor interpersonal

relations, and lowered productivity. The physiological responses consist of bodily

tensions, which may lead to headaches, backaches, stomach ulcers, high blood

pressure, and even killer diseases. At the cognitive level one may lose self-esteem and

self-confidence which leads to feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. At worst,

such a person may even end up committing suicide.

(One Foot in the World, L. De Silva, Wheel Pub, 1986)

Extra Task: Trace the development of ideas in the Stress paragraph

via Themes & News. (Use arrows)

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EXERCISE 7 INFORMATION STRUCTURE

Which paragraph about AIDS is clearer? Why?

AIDS 1

Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrome (AIDS), caused by the Human Immunodeficiency Virus

(HIV), has no cure and a fatal prognosis. Public health education is the best means of combating this

disease. College and University students are especially likely to benefit from AIDS education and

behavioural change. The transition from high school to university frequently involves movement

from family to independent living, allowing for a variety of changes in social and sexual behaviour

that place young adults at risk for AIDS.

AIDS 2

Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrome (AIDS), caused by the Human Immunodeficiency Virus

(HIV), has no cure and a fatal prognosis. The disease is best combated through public health

education. Such education is especially beneficial for college and university students because they

need to undergo behavioural change. These students, in making the transition from high school to

university, a transition frequently involving movement from family to independent living, are

placed at risk for AIDS because of the variety of changes in their social and sexual behaviour.

WORKING ON YOUR OWN WRITING: (POST WORKSHOP ACTIVITY)

Part 2 INFORMATION STRUCTURE

Analyse the Information Structure of each sentence in your paragraph(s) by

indicating Theme and New. Draw the thematic progression.

Does information flow clearly from one sentence to another? Rewrite your
paragraph to improve the flow.

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UNIT 3a VOCABULARY AND REFERENCE

EXERCISE 8 VOCABULARY
Put all examples of synonymy and antonymy in table below.

Energy
Energy is the most important resource of modern society: without power to work our machines

and give us heat and light our society could not exist. Until half way through this century

mankind was confident that the world's supply of fossilised energy would last forever. But

now that proposition has been questioned and it seems that our supplies of coal, gas and oil are

destined to run out. The production of nuclear energy leaves the producer with dangerous

waste materials to dispose of. For these reasons, mankind is investigating alternative sources

of energy and, of these, solar energy, energy collected from the sun, seems the most promising.

This assignment will explain in detail how solar energy is collected for the generation of heat.

It will examine the design and use of low temperature, medium temperature and high

temperature collectors.

SYNONYMS ANTONYMS

EXERCISE 9 VOCABULARY Taxonomy

Now find/draw diagrams of any taxonomies in the Energy paragraph.

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WORKING ON YOUR OWN WRITING: (POST WORKSHOP ACTIVITY)

Part 3 VOCABULARY

Find all related content words in your paragraph(s) (liked via repetition,
synonymy, antonymy and taxonymy). Can you draw any taxonomy you find?

Does the vocabulary build up a picture of the technical domain (using technical
terms and relating them to one another)?

Rewrite your paragraph to improve it.

RESOURCES for VOCABULARY COHESION

Taxonomic Relations: Classification & Composition

Type-Superordinate e.g. rose-flower

Type
e.g. a rose is a flower

Type-Type e.g. rose-carnation

Taxonomic
relations

Part-Whole e.g. petal-flower

Part-Whole
e.g. a petal is part
of a flower.
Part-Part e.g. stem-petal

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UNIT 3b REFERENCE

RESOURCES FOR REFERENCE

Types of reference

The reference system in English (from Cohesion in English, Halliday & Hasan 1976)

personal pronouns e.g. I, me, he, she, you, we, my, mine, his,
hers

near this
these
here
demonstratives

reference far that

those
there

comparatives e.g. another, other,

similar, better (both, all

deictics e.g. the definite article the

one, both, all

EXERCISE 10 REFERENCE

10a. Skim through the sample paragraph and then find any reference words you
can in the beginning (first 6 sentences).

10b. Identify all demonstrative reference words in the paragraph.

10c. Identify all reference words in the last 2 sentences of the paragraph and
use arrows to show what they refer to

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Sample paragraph

Financial Information

Financial information is a vital component of modern civilisation. Much effort is devoted

both to producing it and to using it. Not all these endeavours are fully effective. Sometimes

needed information is not available. Irrelevant or misleading data may be produced or even

acted upon. To master the problems of handling financial information efficiently, it is

desirable to understand some basic ideas and be able to relate them to the acquisition and the

use of financial information. Some of these concepts, such as those of goal-seeking

organisations, systems, management, economic resource allocation and information are

discussed in this chapter. On this foundation, later chapters explore the processes of producing

financial information and the ways it may best be put to use. (Carrington, A. S. & Howitt, G. 1980

Financial Information Systems and Models Whitcombe and Tombs)

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EXERCISE 11 REFERENCE
Find reference words in this paragraph.
What kinds of reference words are used? What comparisons can you make between the
use of reference in this text and earlier texts?

Poverty
Poverty is a major concern all over the world. A number of years ago, poverty was

mainly related to third world countries. And one would think of the starving people in

the streets of India, or the children with swollen bellies in Africa. Today, poverty has

become an issue in the Western World as well. There are different grades of poverty. It

all depends on how you look at the definition of poverty. There is obvious poverty.

People live in bus stops and find their food in bins. But there is also poverty that is less

obvious. It is within the four walls of a house of maybe a migrant, a single mother or

someone who is unemployed.

WORKING ON YOUR OWN WRITING: (POST WORKSHOP ACTIVITY)

Part 3 REFERENCE
Find the reference words in your paragraph.
What kind are they? What do they refer to? Is your reference clear?

Can you rewrite your paragraph to use reference more effectively?

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UNIT 4 CONJUNCTION

EXERCISE 12 CONJUNCTION
12a. Find conjunctions in the Cassava text below.

Cassava is the staple food of millions of people in Africa, Asia and central America.
Its swollen, tuberous root can be boiled, mashed or grated to produce a flour which
can be made into small cakes. The importance of the crop is partly due to the fact
that it can be left in the ground for two to three years without causing deterioration.
Therefore, it is a useful insurance against famine. In other words, it was thought to
be a very useful crop. However, recent findings suggest that it has a number of
disadvantages.

First, since the tuber consists almost entirely of starch, it is very low in protein.
Therefore, reliance on cassava can lead to serious malnutrition. Furthermore, some
varieties, when grown under certain conditions of soil and climate, develop a high
prussic acid content and become extremely poisonous to people and livestock.

In addition, a new danger has been observed over the past few years in Nigeria.
Doctors there have begun to suspect that if large amounts of cassava are eaten during
pregnancy deformities may be caused in the developing foetus. The result of this is
thought to be various kinds of brain or neuronal malformations in babies.

12b. Now underline logical relations in other word types (verbs,

nouns) in the Cassava text.

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EXERCISE 12b CONJUNCTION

Classify all words expressing logical relations in Cassava text.
Identify 5 types by filling in table below.

Logical Relations in Cassava text

Addition Comparison Exemplification Cause Time
Replacement Contrast Restatement Condition Place

EXERCISE 14 CONJUNCTION
Circle conjunctions that link paragraphs in Cassava text.

Discuss:
* What part of previous paragraph do the circled conjunctions relate to?
* What are main points picked up in paragraphs 2 and 3?

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EXERCISE 15 CONJUNCTION
Compare the logical relations in the 2 history texts below.

TEXT 1
Philip saw the Armada in the light of a great crusade to eradicate heresy and impose his
Catholic peace on Christendom. The Pope, Sixtus VI, united with him, providing the spiritual
blessing and financial support. Philip’s goal was to restore Catholicism in England.

Mattingly points out all of Europe watched the battle in the Channel closely. The outcome
determined the fates of not just England, Scotland, France and the Netherlands, all of
Christendom. The Armada began not just as a physical battle. It was also an ideological war -
a battle of ideas.

TEXT 2
Philip saw the Armada in the light of a great crusade to eradicate heresy and impose his
Catholic peace on Christendom. As a result, the Pope, Sixtus VI, united with him providing
the spiritual blessing and financial support. That is, Philip’s goal was to restore Catholicism in
England.

As Mattingly points out all of Europe watched the battle in the Channel closely because the
outcome would determine the fates of not just England, Scotland, France and the Netherlands,
but all of Christendom. The Armada, therefore, began not just as a physical battle but as an
ideological war - a battle of ideas.

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EXERCISE 16 CONJUNCTION
16a. Where does discussion of each of the ‘three issues’ begin &
end below? Do any of the issues overlap?

Tracing authorship

The different points of view depend on three issues: whether the whole section was
written by a single author or by two or three different authors; whether it was composed at
a single point in time or whether different writers contributed at different times; and the
actual date or dates of composition.

Some biblical critics have proposed that these passages are from the hand of the post-
exilic deuteronomist. For example, Burney has ascribed the chapter to him. Kittel, Skinner
and Nelson, on the other hand, have argued that the middle section was written by X and
the rest by Y. However, according to Gray, the first two verses are possibly independent
of the following six. Others have argued for a much later date for the first two verses.
Sanda, Montgomery and Macdonald have considered them as later glosses. According to
Cogan they are possibly from a later, third writer. Also, several scholars have put the
composition of the chapter in a very late period. For example, T maintains that the text
was finalised after the return of the settlers.

16b. Now find the conjunctions in the text above.

Discuss how effective they are in showing paragraph organisation.

16c. Add conjunctions to make organisation clearer.

WORKING ON YOUR OWN WRITING: (POST WORKSHOP ACTIVITY)

Part 4 CONJUNCTION

Mark conjunctions in your paragraphs. What kinds are they?

Have you used conjunctions to signal the overall organisation of ideas?
Are you overusing conjunctions, or using them for obvious logical relations?
Rewrite to remove, include more, or use different conjunctions.






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RESOURCES FOR CONJUNCTION

Types of logical relations
There are a number of logical connections that are used to link ideas in academic writing;
these can be grouped into five main types:

* Addition & Replacement

* Comparison & Contrast
* Exemplification & Restatement
* Cause & Condition
* Time & Place

1) Addition & Replacement

In relations involving ‘addition’, extra information is simply added.

The research has been criticised for three reasons. It did not use a large
enough sample and the results were contradictory. Moreover, it was
alleged that the statistical analysis was faulty.

In relations involving ‘replacement’, one piece of information is replaced with another, i.e.
alternative ideas are offered.

Such a policy could stimulate the economy, or it could plunge it deeper

into recession.

2) Comparison & Contrast

In this type of relation, two ideas are considered to be either similar (comparison) or different
(contrast):

Whereas pain and discomfort usually lead to avoidance behaviour, hunger and
thirst usually lead a person to seek food and drink. Anorexic patients, however,
do not respond to hunger in the normal way.

It is hard to see why a code in which GGC means glycerine and AAG means
lysine is either better or worse than one in which the meanings are reversed.
Similarly, a language in which “horse” mean ‘a quadruped with cloven hoofs
and horns, and “cow” one with a single toe and a mane, would be neither better
nor worse than English. Like human languages, the genetic code is to a
considerable extent arbitrary.

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We can also add relationships of concession to this group. While the two ideas in a
concessive relation are in contrast with each other, one tends to be surprising or unexpected in
view of the other, e.g.

Even though the government introduced policies to stimulate the economy, the
recession worsened.

3) Exemplification & Restatement

In this group of relations, we repeat a previously mentioned idea by rewording it (restatement)

or giving an example (exemplification). The restatement or exemplification should make the
idea or argument clearer to your reader. Sometimes, restatement is used to emphasise or
summarise an important point.

Modern literature in most countries has abandoned the focus on unique,

individual psychological struggles, preferring a contemporary focus on social
issues. In other words, contemporary literature has found a critical voice. For
example, novels from Africa depict ordinary people struggling against adversity.

4) Cause & Condition

Cause highlights a cause-effect relation between two ideas or gives a reason why something
happens. Condition, on the other hand, suggests the kinds of conditions under which
something happens or is done.

Because of wind and water erosion, Australia loses millions of tonnes of topsoil
each year. If something is not done about this situation soon, we will not have
enough soil left to feed ourselves.

5) Time & Place

These relations locate or sequence events, things and ideas in time or space. Of the two, time
is by far the most common in academic writing.

Non-absorbent cotton wool was put loosely on top of the mung beans. A bung
was then attached to the respiration chamber and the respiration chamber was
covered with foil. Next, a syringe was attached to the bung and left there for ten
minutes…
The relation may reflect ‘real-world’ temporal or spatial organisation, e.g. the use of the words
then and next refers to the sequence of events in the experiment in the previous example. On
the other hand, these relations may refer to sequences within the ‘text-world’. This difference
is illustrated in the following texts:






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‘Real-world’ temporal relations (external)

Sydney University's first Registrar, Richard Greenup, was appointed in 1850.
After serving for 16 years, he was tragically stabbed to death by one of his
patients. In the same year, the University lost its first Professor of Classics who
was drowned at sea.
‘Text-world’ temporal relations (internal)
The early history of Sydney University was marked by the loss of two key
founding members. The first Registrar was an excellent administrator. Next, he
was an outstanding medical doctor.

TABLE OF ENGLISH CONJUNCTIONS (selected examples)

Relation Across sentences Within a sentence

ADDITION & also and, and also

REPLACEMENT in addition
furthermore
moreover
further
besides nor
likewise. or, or else
in the same way
similarly

CONTRAST & however but

COMPARISON on the other hand whereas
in contrast while
on the contrary
instead
nevertheless yet
even so even though
despite this although
still
yet
in the same way (just) as
likewise. while
similarly. both...and
neither...nor

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TABLE OF ENGLISH CONJUNCTIONS (selected examples)

Relation Across sentences Within a sentence

CAUSE & for this reason because

CONDITION therefore since
because of this so
thus
hence
as a result, so that
consequently, in order that

that being so
in that case if...(then)
otherwise if (+ neg verb)

EXEMPLIFICATION & for instance

RESTATEMENT to illustrate this
for example

in other words
that is
to put it another way
to sum up
in brief
to clarify

TIME & PLACE then when/once

afterwards after
previously before
up till now
first
second(ly)
thirdly
next
finally

at this/that point where

here/there

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