Jan 5, 2018

I've been more motivated over the last week than in the last few months put
together. Fear of going abroad on my own is setting in. Sure to be an adventure.
Don't you dare back out. If I got an engineering job tomorrow, I still need to
go through with this korean adventure. If I go with the engineer job, in 3 years
I'll have money and probably my loans paid off and will have nothing else. If I
go to korea, I'll have had a formative experience, time living completely on my
own, and a wealth of other experiences that I wouldn't otherwise get. I'll have
paid of a bit of my loans but they will still be hanging over me, oh well.

On the life agenda: shitty min. wage job for about 4-5 months, hopefully with
some fun people. Fucking hard ass job planting trees for 2 months with Adam. Get
fit, get disciplined, see the stars, have a time, hopefully with some fun
people. Fuck off immediately to korea, go on a damned adventure. After teaching
contract is over, apply for tourist visa, tour the country for a month or so.
Bike the length of DMZ? Coast to Coast? Climb a mountain, chill in a valley,
meet a nice family in the countryside who never met whitey. Come back to canada
rich at heart and maybe find a job in engineering, maybe find a new career.

I gotta tell Derek/Pat how much that call they made on boxing day turned me
around. I was pretty damn depressed but I think I'm coming out. Sometimes I
don't let myself keep connections, I let people go out of my life. I knew right
away when I got that text from Derek and Pat, I needed to go immediately. I want
to believe that meaningful relationships will find a way to stay in tact but it
didn't have to happen like this, if derek didn't have time to meet up with pat,
they wouldn't have thought to invite me... Funny how things like this work out.
I realized in 2nd year when I just fluked myself into a housing situation that
things in life can work out on their own if you allow them to, you need to put
yourself in a situation to get lucky.

Its gonna be important in the next few days/weeks to keep this level of
motivation up. At least until I have a concrete timeline set out, and at that
point its just a simple grind. Piano has been getting away from me, I only
really practice out of boredom, not out of enthusiasm, but at least I'm
practicing. I gotta recognize that it is time well spent and keep at it.

While making the ESL resume, I found some spelling mistakes in my resume!! Not
just one, but like 3 spelling errors. Embarassing as fuck, but I guess its a
real concrete reminder of how fucking little I wanted that job. Why did I even
go to university? It was just the thing you did after high school, if you are
smart you go to university, maybe college, if not you go to work. Never really
find meaning in life, or more importantly never learn to look for it.
Engineering was the obvious choice for me but I never considered the option of
not going to school. Of course there are a lot of people I would have never met
if not for McMaster, and thats just the path my life takes, but if I had to do
it over again, I'm not sure I would have enrolled.

Its 1:45 am, I gotta fix this damn sleep pattern. In the morning I'm sorting out
my finances at RBC, putting the last of my RESP money to work. Figure out what
I'm gonna do with this debt. After that I'm fucking off to hamilton and getting
my damn degree. I'm going to walk out of that school for the last time! Well,
probably.