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To Kill A
Mockexam
By Carl Scutt
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Introduction
Recently I took my mock exams – I did rather badly in all of them. I know that
many people dream of doing this badly, and so I have produced this
information pack to help with your studies. I warn you now, failing is not as
easy as it seems, today, you need to get as low as an F to fail, and that’s not
very simple.

Don’t worry though, I know the task seems daunting, but with my help, and
the information contained in this healthy-sized information pack, you too will
be able to fail your mocks and/or GCSEs

Bad luck!

Dedication – with thanks to R.E.M

This one goes out to the one I love
This one goes out to the one I left behind
A simple prop to occupy my time
This one goes out to the one I love
FIRE!!
FIRE!!
FIRE!!
FIRE!!
This one goes out to the one I love
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“But I don’t want to fail”

This is something I hear all the time, it’s simply bullshit. Of course you
want to fail, if you pass or do well, colleges will accept you, possibly even
universities, and you’ll never get that dream job in McDonalds!

Top tips for failure:

1. Answer as if someone was genuinely asking you the question

“Imran has 10 marbles, he gives 5 to Rasheed, how many marbles

does Imran have left?”

We’ve all seen this type of question before – consider your

answer carefully, I know it’s all too tempting to get this right. First of all,
let us consider what we would say to this in real life:

“Work it out yourself you tosser”

May seem like a good bet for failure, but you’re lacking in detail,
let us dwell on the names used for a moment – Imran and Rasheed. Both
are names of an Indian/Muslim origin, and suggest that the exam board
is trying it’s best to appear multicultural and not at all racist. Therefore,
a good starting point would be to pick at the inaccuracy:

“Why Imran and Rasheed? If you’re trying to be multicultural, why not

use names like Ho-cha-chow or Dafydd or even Steve? It’s hardly
multicultural to just pick one specific name origin and just use that”

However, this answer is too detailed, considering we wish to

make more points. So it is best to simply summarise:

“Those names are stupid”

Now you have made a point about the names, you should
question the subject matter – why does Rasheed want any of Imran’s
marbles? Why does Imran have marbles in the first place? Once these
questions have been asked, a wrong answer is simply a formality, as the
failure is pretty much already guaranteed

So, an ideal exam paper/question should look like this:

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Imran has 10 marbles, he gives 5 to Rasheed, how many marbles does Imran have
left?

Imran and Rasheed are stupid names don’t know why you bothered putting them
in. And what exactly are they doing with the marbles? If they’re that bored they
could just go and sit exams or something. If Imran tried to give me his marbles, I’d
tell him to fuck off .

456 marbles

2. Go off topic

Let’s face it, the above is risky, they may let you off because you
at least referred to the question – we don’t want to pass, so we should
go wildly off topic

But how to do this successfully? You don’t want to write about

something you know about, you’d end up writing correct information –
not good! You should debate with yourself about life’s mysteries.
Although I encourage you to think of your own, some that I have
enjoyed discussing recently are:

• If Batman is so clever, why does he wear his underpants on the

outside?
• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
• Should crematoriums give discounts for bur n victims?
• If someone with multiple personality disorder threatens to kill them
selves, is it a hostage situation?
• If you try to fail, and succeed, what have you done?
• Do babies taste like chicken?

Believe it or not, examiners HATE these kinds of questions, and this

means that failing is super easy

3. If it’s an essay question – be brief… and simple

In response to the question:

“How are presentation and language used to make Item 1 appeal to its
target audience?”

You may wish to consider sentences such as:

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“It’s nice. I like it. It looks pretty”

Being as brief and simple as this practically guarantees you a fail.

The simplistic vocabulary and basic points here do not signal to the
examiner that you are an A* student, they are typical of the kind of thing
an idiot would write, and will be marked accordingly

4. Refer to other exams out of context

For example, your Spanish paper may say:

“Indica si estos son verdad o mentira”

To which you could reply:

“I may not understand this, but it sure as hell makes more sense than
the trigonometry question I got in maths today”

Firstly, you are answering in the wrong language, and secondly

the answer is completely unrelated to the question. Failure all round!

5. Complain about your circumstances

This is the easiest method of failing around. All you do is write

down your thoughts, as you’re thinking them. On some kind of
philosophy essay you may write:

“I did put the Christian viewpoint across. Twice. It’s in section a) and
section b), I’ve been doing exams all week, now my hand and wrist ache, so
I’m not copying it out again, you can go back and read it. Don’t know why
you’re asking me anyway, you already know the answers, they’re on your
desk, you’re probably half-reading them now to help you mark this – if you
knew the question WHY DID YOU ASK?!?!?! It would have been easier for
you to look up the answer on the mark scheme than for me to write a bloody
essay. You and you’re pointless questions. Twat”

This summarises your feelings about the exam and also about the
examiner – you will either be failed for not addressing the question or
for calling the examiner a “twat”, either one is fine
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It’s not all about the answers!

Remember, removal from the exam room is the easiest and most
straight-forward way to fail

Believe it or not, this is true – the answers are only one way to fail.
This booklet in itself is a failure tool, smuggle it into the exam room and
“accidentally” let one of the invigilators see it during the exam (I find about 15
minutes in works best). Te invigilator will be forced to remove you from the
exam room for cheating.

You could discuss the work you are doing with the person next to
you, helping them to fail as well

You could look at the clock and exclaim as loudly as you can:
“Shit! I’m missing the Jeremy Kyle Show!”
That would work

Any kind of exclusion from the exam room is an ideal way to fail,
although you do risk a bollocking from teachers and parents alike that you
would not necessarily get for something as docile as cocking up the answers
(as described in the previous section). Do not underestimate this riskier tactic
though, because new law states that you could, for disrupting an exam, be
excluded from all public exams for the next five years – that’s right,
unconditional failure for five years! The perfect plan!

The choice is yours

It is now necessary for you to decide which of the techniques in this
booklet best suits you. Would you prefer to mess up the answers and have
people disappointed in you whilst you proudly put on your new apron to go
and swim in the chip fat in your dream job at McDonalds? Or are you happy to
risk being shouted at for 5 years without having to go through the formalities
of even entering the exam room? The choice is yours. And remember, always
give up
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About the author

Carl’s story is a tragic one. He had a difficult childhood, and his parents are
still shits. Throughout his life, he has never really had friends, and instead spends the
weekends alone in his bedroom with the door locked, practicing a hobby born of
desperation; magic tricks.

He recently released a video for Friendship Relief, which was unfortunately

misread by society as a vague attempt at humour, when really a cry out for help. Carl
is even bored enough to write booklets, such as the one you have just read, containing
false or “spoof” information or coursework. A boy with too much time on his hands,
asks me to mention here once again his contact details, in the desperate hope that
someone, somewhere will read this and contact him. However to publish contact
details would be silly. He is sad enough to frequent sites such as Bebo and Facebox,
hoping that someone will care, and when he’s not overplaying the point about finding
friends or writing about himself in the third person, Carl is always online on MSN (or
Windows Live Messenger, whatever they call it now), and occasionally appears
offline to make it seem as if he has a life.

Now he’s going to go and have a little cry about his shambles of a life.