(hapter 14

EMOTIONAL COMPETENCE
Componenls of Emoliono! Conpetence
Dealing with Pronlem Emoion:

dimensions of personal eaperi and on overall maturity. How we perceive a

the
One of or ejective
dimension. situationits meaning for us-determines
ence is the
emotional be aroused. If we no
As we size up aproblem and
try 1o cope WIn nat cmotions will see

clated, angry, or threat, we fecl no fear-however 8Teat or

i, we feel pleased, uneasy, small the real danger. If we see our perform
about the silualion or our
perhaps wormed
role in it. As we undertake a
course action,
of ance as superior, we feel elated regardless of
we may feel enthusiasm or distaste or.per the realities of the siluation. Andfeel
if we see
haps dread. Whatever the situation, we tend ourselves, as unfairly treated, we angry
If
to have feelings of som kind about what we. whether or not our perception is accurate.
aud unlov-
ae seeing and thinking and doing. Thus emo .we see
ourselves as
inadequate
wonzl processes are not isolated phenomena able, we feel perpetualy anxious and dis-
bst components general experience, couraged whether we really are inferior and
of con
stantly influencing and /nfuenced by other unlovable or only think we are.

processes going on at the same time.t We are as consistent and predictable in

Emolional reactions, as we have seen
Our emotional responses as in our perceptual
inearlier chapters, involvenot only conscious abits, thought patterns, and other aspects of
leelings but also physiological changes, some that arouse
0f whict, if they become chronic, car., lead to
adjustive behavior. The events
motion in us, the emc::ons they arouse, and
ussue
damage. We noted this process in the the ways we control and eapressour fcelings
ormaticn of peptic ulcers and other psycho are an important component of the overall
oratuc disorders. In the present of coping strategies that makes up
abe concemed primarily. ithchapter we. palterm
our life slyle.
OBcal aspects of emotional psycho
I some of the ways we can compelence
alve emotions, encourage discourage
ect the expression of both positive ones COMPONENTS
positive emotions into negaive
healthy and con
UNCIVe channels. The person OF EMOTIONAL COMPETENCE
who
tosa competerre in
these
achieves In order to understand the components o.
ey to be lroubled by chronicrespecis is emotional competence, we aeed to under
alon or by emotiona
psychosomatic disorders. stand the ways in which we ci.Ter in our emo-
Emotional
pendent competence is ional reactions and the degrees of dif+erence
on an H
accurac
accurate grecatly de.
frame of relerence that seem to be within the normal range.
 ENOTONAL QOLTETENCE

ot eatioaroUns, e are likely to îrd

Fatterns ct Emetienal Eiperiere
themeli.
:hi dNr prople
Strorg emtns pesent a quite ditfer
Akheuh we ofiee sue

we o . idere is ent picture. In strong active emotions there

way
e e l about the sane

evdea:
s the is an emrgenty mobtizaton of bodily re
derabe
i e r greatiy in the depth sources fr immediate, mere or less violent
case e s e m to
mods, and action, and the steping up of physiological
and range ot our teers, In eur pesses 5 b0th more seiecive and more
cxtensive. Processes Telatedto disestion
ve felinS
aresuspended and the mouth becmes.dry
inte=sily os feeling. Some pedple 3Pparently whercaskeartbeat, blood pressure,respirn
fecl great intensities of emouuon, they react tion, andLadieralinpduetion are all in
to the ups and cowrS ot living ith intense creascd,he. capilariesalonsthe alimentary
JOy.intense disappoNniment, 2d intense con canelconsncd,whie those.in.the.brain and
cem. Others, wheiher trom constituival the large museles enlaree.for beter.circuk
limitation or defensive learning. are coN tion. Red blood cels rom Ihe splcenand
easily stirred to either enthusiasm or distress sugar firgm.the iver are relcasedinto tie
but seem to be insulated from any strongIc odEven.the factor that induces biood
ings. Most of us are somewhere in betveen. otingin iniuriesis.ancreasedustincaser
Emotional compeience would seem to n strong depressive Cmotions1ke gnet, no
require sufñcient depth of feeling to aliow
actionis.usuallycallçdfor, andaction patene
2ctive, vigorous, healthy. participation in tals are-restrictedraccordingly- pulse rate
living. Although wide diferences in emotirn-
ality seem to be withia ihe normal range, thee
blood pressurerandTrespiration-are.all.do
pHesseds
extremes at either end are unadaptive. Over I n ddition to our mild and strong emo
reaction to every minor situation squanderss tions, bouh of which may be normal and
the individual's resources, whereas a very healthy, we may experience disintegrative
shallow reaction usualy iadicates a defense emotions.Thèse may be the outgrowth of
orientation with accompanying nigidíty and normal emergency emotions too long con
lack of nomal and
richnesS meaninginemo- tinued,or they may be precipitated by over
tional expenence
whelming stress a such circumstances, as
I n terms of intensity, emotons may bec
described S mild, strong, or disintegrative
we
noted in Chapter 8, even a stable per
Sonality imay develop a mental. disorder,
Interestingy enough,diierent intensities of T h e intensity of disintegrative emotion5
emotion are apparenty related to quite dif- i5 well illustrated by observations of soldiers
erent physiologcal processes.
w h o had broken down in combat inWorid
With mild emotion there 1s increased War, u' and were later given sodium pento
alertness, a focusing ofallention on meaning-
thal interviews: Under the influence ol thi
producing factors in the situation, and aslight drug, which producés effects somewhat siml
increase in tension, accompanied by 1eelings lar to hypnosis, the. soldier could reive
of being Ppepped up and ot havingincreased. his combat experience and
vigor. Even negative emotions, such as fear discharge someor
his overwhelming fear and anxiety
and anger, may be expenienced as pleasant (Grinker
Spiegel, 19455):
when they occur in mild form and when the The terror
individual believes he has control over ihe exhibited in the momenls o
Supreme dengeri such as at the immine
situation and can 1frminate il if he wishes
(Berlyne, 1967) This is readilyillustrated bys explosionof shells,the death of áfriendver be
the negative cmotions we often experience.in Sore the patient's eyes; tRe dosen
watching Sporing events or television and under u heavy dive bombing altackisc
movie. dramas. In fact, f such cvents are fying to watch. The body.becomes n
ingly tense and rigid the eyes den
 COMPETENC. 399
COMPONI NTS
OF E.MOTIONAL

aed ive nocd siales. vipor aclivity.

rtd
becor"es
rai
1on-anxiety, anger-tiostilii, fatisue-1tia.
m
l t e " htiids n:cre

he
haids
Such mood siatcs color our
and deprcssion.
background for
peTsfwaion.
a
pine
seehing
percepns and provide
with ely,
1 lie
breathin
on. Wc havc prot
activily is going
conv75/1

d n g e r . whatever
The a cas
of being in
eboul me si:allov.

all had the experience

shure and
iend to incredivly
rupid
someiiies beco:mes ably molchills lookcd
like
Arcnes
Some
mood and finding that
ut mood aid
e m o l i o n

ensily
of
tne
o"nr,
a i a J t y u e n t l y

mountains or of being in a good

Car
collupse normaliy
more
than Iney
reuc:xon, 1nere
is a

remains
$ailing ikrough silualion thal
of he Ded u n d
he height bnCK Im would upscl us.
patirntjans 1o
resume

luctuatio:.s of the manic

and the mmules,
1Sualiy
The wide
exarnple
a Jew p. RD) morc extreme
qet for C
#iore
nenirai
pot.
depressive arc only a
to be
at ihat scem
in niood
thestory the of the
fluciuations
most of
have
human species. Fcr
Human bei
the
ypical for a fairly
Range o Jeeing. a
irerendous

tend 1o fiuctuale through

for Cxpericncing iniense us, moods indeperd-
somewhat
potential ihe
most
cycle that is
Irom Irom :he
prcdicianle
thouglh the length
of
varicly of cmolions, of dcpression, events,
the dcpths cni of cxlernal crest
elation to sorrow, dif.erence between
lo the
grealest
the cycle and the
happiness People
lasting hatred.
matters.
greatest lo individuzl
enduring love and irough 2re
record of
from deep and unplcasant
interestingg to keep a
cxperience
We all tend
to often find it fcw wccks
strivings are
blocked or
morning for a
emotions whien our their moods cvery a regular
pleasant
ones can detect
hrealened and see if they
or months to that his
our values or an!:cipate
do-
individual who fccls.
when we achieve our goals paltern; the "norm2!"
ol ihe
we receive
coni:rmation
may be
beyond
ing $o or when mood swings assistance.
lcad to
Thus the events that can seek professional
our values. are as range should
cmotions
pleasant and unpleasant And Both positive
strivings and interests. negative orientalion.
vaned as our Posilive or
normal, hez:thy
self-involved we are in a
emotions, are
of course, ti more
and negative situations. Wec
the greaier its emotion to certain ypes of
S1Uation or
acivity, reactions
and the person
arousing polential for us. some of both,
all expericnce positive fecl-
Despile lheir great potential, some pco should have only
who fecls he d e m a n d s on
him-
rather limited range unrealistic

pie seem to experience a

preponderance of ings is making

of negative
fcel-
with a preponderance
0 emolions-often and anger or self. Yet a
and maladjustive.
Ncgative
negative emotions such as fear ings is unhealthy that the individual fecls
DOsLy-while others appear 10 experience feclings
indicate
in some way,
and
much wider range of emotions and sen threalened
thwarted or secn,
have already
ments-often with subtle nuances and hne as we
such a perceplion, behavior.
shades of feeling. Typically, the failure to induce
defense-oniented
tends to wha is
chronically

Evelop a full
repertoire of emotions with Furthermore,
the person
on the
look-
constantly
ropriate intensity and depth seems to re resentful is
fearful or
thus tends
to s e e only
rom personal immaturity, faulty altl new dangers and Such a
out for and fcars.
ES, Or defenses against emotional invov confirms his womies rec
what satisfying
Such a failure-as in the case o a" has
trouble
mantaining
time his
person and in
VIdual who lacks a sense ot humor or lationships
with other people, evcn

i e of love for scmeone else-a cmotional mobilizatior may

chronic liealth.
his phySical
OUsly
ness of
limit the richness and
meaing have serious
effects on
emolions

one's life. preporderance

of negative
but
Thus a eiectiveness
ddition to emotional responscs to
prevents present of
panicular cexperience nooas
events, we also
not only
interferes
wih the
development

eeling states lasting urs or evcen days. also

competence
and maturity.

Daston, &Smith 1967) have deinc greater

 TMOITONAL CONMTT.TENCE

Spontaneity ard control. Chikre 2re

t c otiet hatid, is characteristIC Of ihe cmo. qute spontancous in iic expression usuall
on:icalthy peIson. kepe: ted studies, feelings and cmotiOns. Thus
of their
have shown shout "T hle you
a
child may
c i c . a l and eAJPeninentai,
vtn at to
someone
anger cven belore he knows express
tat ione, sy npathy, and other positive flecl his
what hating
ngs are cordurive t0 el-eeem, adequacy, sncone actuay means.
Children,
and sell-actual"tio h o u g h our icclngs
iniiialiy quite uninhibited in showing too, are
somewhat dependent on what for others. With time, however. affection
ae,
o course, most of us
ie brings us, this is only p:irt ot the story: learn to inhibit tne
s** peopic niarnaFC t o n a v e a prcdominance
expression of certain
positive tecings despile great adversity
hereas others are consianily iearful, angry.
2nd rescntfui in a t lcoks to us #ke a favor
able situation. T: 1s our allitudes and values DIFFERENCES iH EMoTIONAL
that chieAy determine whether an
experience RESPONSES (PHYSICAL OR
PSYCHIC)
will &gratifying or frustrati: us. Except
nder ihe most extreme stress, the emotion-
aily compctent person can usually manage to
keep the balance on the side of the positive
cmotions.

NORMAL EMOTIONAL RESPONSE

Patterns of Expression and Control

People vary not only in their patterns of

emotional experience but also in their pat-
terns of expression and control. Some are
elifusive and demonstralive, freely express-
ing their feelings in words,
other
gestures, and
behavior.from
Others hide their feelings
somelimes just
other people, sometimesS
from "hemsclves well.
as
Sometimes "ad DEFICIENT EMOTIONAL RESPONSE
mirable cmotions are expressed freely,
while disapproved ones are concealed or
denied. These be,culturally
may induccd pat
Cns, but uSually they serve individual needs
and purposes too.
Clearly not every emotionally competent emollonal
person wilI have exactly the same pallern of lUmulus
expression and control. As with the experi-
ence of cmotion, "normal" covers a wide
range. The fnllowing three characteristics,
EXCESSIVE EMOTIONAL RESPONSE
however, ere associaled with compelence in
Cmotional expression and control:
Agapied lran Menninge, 10

balance of spontaneity znd control; (

(2)aa
habit of acrnowledging one's feelings and In a normal emotional reacu su halance
in intensily. An tmbaan
pr 1orlionate
channeling them constructively insicad or Onse are
direclion-a Strong
stimulus eeu
denying n eiorresponse ora neghgibie stu eme
or
suppressing
them; and (3)
avOIdance of distorted and
an 'Gible
resconse-lnsicates
soe
degre C
ense
prssion. disguised cx* n3l oladjustmont
 COMPONTS OF E"TIONAL COMENCE 401

apre
rons
rutron 2 C'1n -**d
oT.ccl the
mcer
and leve onmY ii socialny pjOved
frimary tasks o intenive
group capericnce and psychoth er:apy is often
was.
measure of cmiotiona' to rcintroduce ihe individua! to is own
Althou some
ta
is necessary, i can Carried too feelings.
control
12aiviou2l may de so iniivited
it. Thus an
2ngcr or afiection that
he scems Direct vs. disguised erpression. ETotions tat
in caress1g

terse and nzid

and lacking in warmth and are denied direct cxpression often find oui
Ine ferso: wio "plays it cool," lets in disguised ways. Hostili:;. for evzmple.
sporaneity.
inveivements that g h i arouse may be expressed through teasig Or ragetns:
aOlun
strong eniotiors, nisses tie sense of emo anxiety and fear may be exp:eised througih
t.ona. invO!Nement n tne huan entetprise
that helps KE hie exciting and mcaningfui
chronic fatigue and somatic cmpiaints. Of
Ten the individual is unaware cí the ca:ses of
to those wnO perm themseives niore spon such reactions and is quite bewiidered by ris
taneity of emoiionai expericnce. Although own behavior. Usually such outlers are not
he may avoid the p2in of loss or rejection, cntirely adequate for reducing emotinnal
conscious
he also cuts hiinself of+ from the warmth, tensions, they reduce the or
may
tension but at the price of peptic ulcers ar
emotional support, and sense of contúnuity
that can come from a deep friendship or love other psychosomatic disorders.

relationship. Effectiveness in cmoioaal expression

With inadequate inner controls, we mayand control, ike effectivenes in cther forms
of behavior, means that both inner needs and
overreact emotionally, fying off the handle
or bursting into tears in routine situations. outer demands are taken inte eccount. Emo
With too ngid controls we may be unable to tional competence is not achieved crce ad
for all, however. AJthough we can develop
"let ourselves go" or to "be ourselves.
Neither extreme is desirable. more realistic expectations and greater ability
to acknowledge our real Feelings, We can ex
. *
pect to have a continuing proslem of finding
Constructive, chanreling s . repression. In
each society, the child learns what emotions personally saistying ard constructive ways
to express negative emotions.
may be cxpressed and under what conditions.
Boys in particular are often admonished not
to cry and not to show fear-to act
like a Understanding and
man" and not a "cry baby." The expression
of anger is usually discouraged: the child Functloning with Bmotion
Who expresses anger toward parents or sib
If our emotions are tobe adaptive rather than
ngs may be punished and made lo fcel guilty
maladaptive infuences, we need to under
and ashaned.
When a child leans that the direct cx stand and accept them and learn to use them
pression of his emotions brings him disap- instead of fighting them.

proval and punishment, or when he leams

to

Understanding and accepting emoãon. The

Teel ashamed and guilty for expericncing cer
first step in improving our mastery over our
ain emotions, he may unconsciously resort
10 Tepression or emotional insulation as a cmotions S. lo unders tand them. Much mis-

neans of self-protection. Thus he may re Irom sheer ignorance. Nlany peo

ery comes
press felings of anger toward his Parents ple worry about mood swings thai are actually
loss of sell-esteem over
an later toward his spouse so lhat he cun- quite normal, feel a

and alfection; normal sexual urges, or sufier agonics of

cously experiences only love shame and guilt because of occasional feel
F he may withdraw and insulate himser
ings of hostility toward parenis or others
Cose emotione! involvement so that
love-nol realizing that such feel-
polentially dangerous or urcomfortable cmo whom they
 402 EOTIONAL CUMFETLNCE

deal with,
ings are i D* Capeiied. Alouph an under to
protcssional counseling or psy-
cmottoral processes willnot chotherapy may be calicd lor. Just
getting
Siznding our fears, anxicties, and hostilitics out into
automaicaily solve ptoblcms of e:pression
the open where we them for what
car. see
dcontrol, emotional competcncc Starts
toward they are often helps to discharge much of the
and realistic a'titude
with a healthy emotio::al lension and paves the w2y for
ior living.
cmotion as part of one's cquipimeni
more constructive feclings and more con-
structive ways of dealing with the situation.
fuRchoning Nith emotions
iistead
of fghting
ttem. Cne important strategy in directing
OUr emoional reaclions is learning to unc
insicad ot trying Fostering Constructive Emotions
LiOn i t h them, using them
o ngni them. Although
some stress situa
Lions an be anticipated and made less cmo Fortunately, healthy emotional patterns tend

07-arousing by adequaie preparalion in

re- t0
perpeluale themselves Just as unhealthy
ones do. Thus an impontant part of emotional
situalions wll evoke
other
Cired skiis, competence is fostering constructive pat
tnorougnly we
eimotion no matter how
strong is terns of emoional feeling and expression.
prepare
ourselves.
This
nave tned towe know how to handle
it. For Oflen this requires the breaking of negative,
1ortunate-# not
self-defeating habits o esponse and the es
soldier in combat does
example, 1f the tablishing of new oiues
will hardly be 2ormal
expenence fear, he thal fear pro-
and, lacking the cxtra cnergy Keeging a sense.of
humor.A sense of humor is.
not ignt wcl., Butit.
as
vides,
he regards
probably
wall fear as a sign of cowardice and de
an important adaptive resource 1he person
who can remain objecuve enougl to appre

energy to deny and hide

trying to
votes is for dealing with
ciale the incongruities of a siluation is-less
il, he will have less energy to be overwhelmed by it Laughing at
in addition, bec likely
the actual dangers and will, as efective and
handicapped by continual in:er conflict. oneselt is perhaps healthy and negatuve leek
n.everyday life; too, anger, fear, or. a way of reducing tension
anxiely can propel an inuividyal into tak1ng
ings as has yet been discovered.: . t
Somelimes, of:course, what passes 1or
action-action which he
some construcuive
'humor:is really an expression of hostilhty,
have had the
othewise not impctus for by
mght to feel supenor
taking On the other hand, anger, Iear, and as whenweIheattempt
mistakes or mistortunes
ot
laughing at,
anxuety that are expressed in some kind: is hostiie, how
nol when humor
others. Even
acion may keep us "churning" inside and negauve c
ofn2y distort our perceplions and undermine cver, it may serve
to reduce

seelings. For example, Dworkin and

our sense of adequacy
tional subjects who had
Efran (1967) found tha situations ap
placed in anger-arousing
Finding constructive wayT to erpress erolions. been hostile humor
more than did non
it im. preciated hostile and
are
aroused, is but. that both
nen sirong emolions angered subjects reduced feek
porant tha they be expressed construciively humor significantly
rather than in disguised or desiructive ways. nonhosuje
and
Here il
anxiely. Is o in
ings ol anger
DerC are many
harmless and constructive
note that Maslow (1954), in hus
of venting even strong negatuve emo erest to sell-actualizing persons, found na
ways
ons once one acknowledges and accepls Sludyof appreciate suble wit
tended to
subjects
having Strenuous physical activity 1s
his bruad, humor
and that
ineir
n
them. rather than
hostilny
aCominon method; talking
the maticr out in
to be lackingand
tended
with a irusted friend may help: participating
mor
enjoy humor
An ability to use attutuocs.

in encounter groups is often of value. Where

cause and a result of our see
boih a seldom

the sifuation cliciting the emotion-perhaps OeTense-oienicd person

can

an Unrappy marriage-is especially ditfhcul

 COMPONTS OF
EMOTIONAL. (OMPLTEN 9

atnd, we tan tät.e pr0Jr 1.a t gt

nimselt ttieofthct
w attention outside 0u1elve e
c on
lhunself is tan ra.
a govd jo* a deliberate cffost to be rose acute y zwas
h a t cnjoy a
1icnted
task-otic

thercby
to mainlein and appreciative of the 2sets that e
vuelly
helped 1s
p r o b i c m s .

1ake for yranted.

to
pr0ach
ince it is
Pen
iOiOns.
andeven Striving to ochieve a reali:sic frame of fer.
4entwating cCmfeience
lo cmeional
ence. The key to ailitcinal chang Mz
mtant icclings prcdomi
th2: posilive simple resolve to "ihink positively" i. the
dhealth wnat we c a n
lo keep lhe
shoiuld
to
Aihough
we sense of denying that probleins exist. Ratte:
side.

on the
positive shall it focuses on achieving 2 rezlistic fram.e c
lance
we

obiously cannor dcciGE teelings," there reference in which our probiems ard or e
posilive
having only eno. sources for mceting them zre viewed *
cicourege heallhy
t
do io
much we can that seem rcasonabie accuracy 2nd objeciv:ty. Tte
is activities

ticns. We can
choose
the saiisfactions both pcrson whe can see his disappointents 2nd
nch
mst likely to e:d and in their long-
frustrations in perspecive-without urduc
progresS
wiale they arc in can co.centrate on actual. opuimism or pessimism-is no! so likely to

tem
cifects. We
oncs
get steamed up over a broken date, 2 um
mainlenance
instead ol
ization strivings a irafic ie-up, or other
ol on keeping what
'e bling brid32e pariner,
-on growth instead irritating but minor events which bave little
nurse E gudge against
have. Rather than a long-range signiicance. Nor is he +kely to
ways of building
someone, we can explore anxiety to
of play- react with cxaggeraled fear and
relaticn ship with mm. Instead
better more serious stresses.
wallowing in sell-pity,
ing a martyr role and

SOME DETERMINANTS OF EMOTIONAL PATTERNS

CONSTITUT:ONAL MAKE-UP Patterns of reactivily. expression, erd control are all y

intluenced

mood cycles, actvity level, sensitty. M

indrviduars lemperament,
and other constitulional reaction lenden cies.
emotions
EARLY TRAINING and punishments loster certain
Early teaching, models, rewards,
induco panicutar patterns of expression a
2nd discourage others, also
and be ashamed ol certain emouos. n
control. if he child learns to deny
and is handicapped in learning
to cope wi

nas unrealistic expeciations

SUch emotions.

FPAME OF REFERENCE and ol himself determines whe ther

e
An
individual's piclure of the world
r.glive emotio ns; also determns
expenences predominanly positive
of
wnar evenis wi* be seen as significant and hence will arouse eouo

THE SOCUAL FIELD

BOin the
arousal of our emolions and the channeling ol eons one
values o the peop
partly Ihe expeclations and
on
aroUsed depend in a
dangetou
heir own emotional eactions, especialy
uno us, our ieactions; lo7 exampie,
hyatena
may also influence "*
uaion, emotional, wheicas cat.Es9
iound us may make us more
nose
us to keep our own leelings uncer
cono
omers mayY help often induce ditferent
emotioral
ied
r e r e n l social climates
open
compelitive climate may induce 99
p l e , highly
a to e *

which is c.splaceo
e n utocrelic climate,
aggressiveness

rgel.

-
$0 NOT:ONAIL COMPLTENCE

And we sociai success. His

Cgate ttelhit,s pretominatc nced for
tangible indica
atout thenm, we tions of security is
cannot seccm to do anything
attitudes tion of love during
ins atiabic. The depriva.
niay be the victims of
unconscious

defenses which kecp us trom sceing more dcvastating

childhood can have even
ai such
eiiects,
Many of our emotional
as
have seen.
we

th:ngs in ihe:r true perspecive. In diticuities have

case protessional counseiing may be neccs roots in faully relationships with cur their
parents
Sary to reip us exanine the rea!
basis tor our
-rcjection or
overprotecton,
perfectionism
eeional dithcultics and, with this betier or overindulgence.
understanding. achieve a more positivec In recognizing the sources of
weak
emoional
oicniat:o.
spots,
the idca is not to affix
blame-
on our parents or elsewhere-or to admit
IFerking through cmotional "weak spots." feat. Rather, by understandirng the reasons de
The 2chievenent ot cmotional comipetence behind the way we
react, and looking to see
if we are still reacting to sitvaticas
is complicaied for mosi of us by ihe presence that no
of emoional "weak spots" or "scars. Pain loneer exist, we can hope to make cur emo-
ful and frishtening experiences-particularly tional reactions more appropniate for today's
those in demands.
childhood are apt to create psychic
wounds which never completely #eal. As a One common residual effect of a
psychic
result, we are left with a particu rvulner wound is reaction sensiitvity-the ten-
abilty to certain kinas of stress. Learning dency to be acutely sensitive to those ele.
1o recognize and deal with such wäk spots is ments in, a new situation which bear some
emotional compelency. possible relationship to an earier painful
a
necessary
Few of us escape at least minor iraumas. expenence. Thus a person whose home has
It is temibly devaluating to a boy, for ex- once bumed down may thereafter tend to
ample, to be beaten up in the schoolyard by perceive an unidentified odor as the smeil o
smoke. An individual who grew up in the
the local bul;: and then'taunted for running
2way. Similarly, when we make a ocial
midst of mantal tension ano unhappin.s
blurder, forget an important speech, or drop may hesitate to mary because he is more
an easy fy ball that bings in the winning run sensitive to the potential nisks of mamiage
than to its potential salusfactions. The per
for the other team, wesuddenlyfeel termibly.
inadequate. Even. when, we forget such son who, has been rejected by his parents
Cvents with the passage of time, the emo- may. see indications of rejection or loss
behavior of
ional reacuon they engenderca remains a ove in even the.best-intentioned
part of us and is apt to be reactivated in simi- his spouse., The reactivation of.such con
lar situations.Emotional scars are commonly ditioned feelings takes place automalically
caused.too, byguil-arousingsexual experi-and therefore is not easily subject to volui
such
erces in childhood, as paricipaling in tary contro.
forbidden sexuai acts or being sexually as- Unfortunately, carly traumatic expen
blocks
saulted by an older person. Often the child . ences somtimes create major od to
1s ashamed and afraid to talk about sueh ex
8rowth. Because we fear repetition pain,
we tend to avoid situations in which we car
periences and may laler "reluse to
remem*
ber- them. But many times might bereactivaled.
his sexual adjustment
they compliçale that the painful feelings
cuts off from chances
to
us
as an adut uch avoidance
the
Aside from specific traumatic events,
develop adequacy for meeting aueh su
general circumstances of our
upbringing8 tions.
may leave cmotional scars
Speciñc methods by
which "weak spotS
partially h:als. A person
which
who has
ime
only
grown up Can be overcome include the follk ang:

1hgrinding poverty may hnd it cifäcult as an 1. Desensitization. Studies o co

adult to achieve a reai fceling of reactions with animals
e:en with a higih
securnty
degree of financial and
nca aversion
Shown hat alfter an animal has been
snd
 COMPONENTS OF EMGTiONAL
COMPE.I ENCE. 403

Situation,
ic *il
conline to
chargc nuch of the eniotional tension he
rticuiar thouph the
clec- ha: built up.
ev.7
indeliriteily

od it urned
on again. 1e There is a
danger in catharsis if ore
i
cuTent is ncver to
nnd out that the spills out" to the wrong person-one who
himseil
ro
ciaree manner. might reinforce the fear and
Ces n a r C S S .
In KC
anxiety, tie
situatior
15
now

bzre!y
escapee drowning ilt and resentment the individual is trying
w i o nas to rid himself of. In severe
child trat he cannot
cases, a profe:.
he o: waler
be
so
ternied

himsei
Situations sional therapist may best be able to help the
to eapose
ring himscH overCOme and individual accep! his feelings and integrete
his iear
mgr: te a treumatic experience into his
ich g we
eg0-structure.
evcioped. Semeties In less severe cases, a mirister ora
swiming SA a*0:ding
situations
2ctivities cr coctor or
ca tor ycar
nurt is. 5y exjiosing
an emotio12liy matire and discreet irier.d
would ro long*iwOiIG dIscover i a t the :s a5le to provide the listening ear end ihe
we
io Lhem
ouTsclves matenalize and cur comments which lead the way to insight.
cic nor
zpaied pan
be exiinguished. In therapy it is often difñcult to begin
wouiG
Iear
cOdiisozed
the dreaded working through a problem by catharsis be
we can experience
Espcialiy if cause it brings to consciousness many of the
mild Torm and in pleas
situz:ion frst in very of re painful feelings the individeal has been trying
sources
or with other
2 company to hide. Sometimes lke will terminate ther-
and plezsant
emofions close by,
To
2urance
reaction apy wnen it begins to get uncomfortable.
tigger a lear
l
lose power tois applied in behavior
its
undertake and cary through with catharsis
ia us. This principle also
we must be convinced that this often pain-
but we can
2s we have seen,
erapy, overcome ful process is worth while.
curselves in trzing to enables us to
Ppiy n 3. Insight. Catharsis ofteu
2voidance reactions. the ways an emotional
term catharsis, as we gain insight into
2 Catharsis. The rauma has been affectiog our
behavior.

have refers to the discharge of emo-

with a
seen, them When much the em0]ion associatedw. are
of
tioal tensions. This may be by talking has been discharged,
oa or by "reliving" the painful expenence past experience
experience more objectively
parlance able to see the
wach engendered them. In
common have been over
chest. and may discover that we

means getting things off your find that we have de-

Qiharsis is particularly helpfu! in over reacting to it We may
unnecessarily, or our as
assocl valued ourselves childish
Comng the embzrassment or shame unrealistic, or that
our

zed with social failure, and it is invaluable pirations were of an event was
inaccurate.
interpretation
a means of reducing the tensíons assoc we feel ihe way we
do
e begin to see why
zted with anxiety, fear, hostility, and guilt. a small amount of criticism,
even
l it
By why and makes
Verbalizing trauma, a
the ex* we also gel
is constructive,
our feelings
hurts would rather keep a
TenCE Out into the open where we can look
us inferior;
feel why we face a
aL more objectively ad thus begin inte merchandise than
defective
gaing it into our ego-stricture. piece of back; why
clerk and ask
him to take it
sales even
Ttharsis may take any ofvarious forms. alraid to argue
wth people
E Eskimos have long used the device or
we are
are chuning
with anger over
we feel so
playing, in which they act out
tnt
though
they have said; why we
UTes and embarrassing vithin something opposite
with members of the
Eoup so that everyone can self-conscious

together. We have la ed sCX. 1t 1s a

te Ue of previousy new pa:ierns.

tl diso catharsis in the reatment of men-

4. Develop:ng battle is wholy
that the
ue assume

induced by combat ituations

the infiuence of a drug such situatrons,
mistake

either
to
by
extinction of faulty reacluons
by insignt in0
hiha sodiui as won desensitization
or
Emotionai
re
patient almost literally relives through we do.
feel the way
Xperience and thus is adle io dis Wny
we
 EMOTICNAL COMPETENCE
406

ess 11 deaing with their p:oble ms, oticrs have de

cducation is long 1abotuou
a
as vell tected no appreciatie positive resulis,
volving the building of new pattcns others hzve suffcred undesirable side
as the removal of old oncs. effec:
more satistying cmo- that seemed to
oulweigh any benefits. There
To devclop new,
be liitle substantial
to
tional reactions, the
ind:vidual nceds to put seeiis
objective evi.
himself into situations where he can expen dence that the minor (ranquilizcrs are effec.
tive: cven
immediatc reliet may be
ence positive feelings. He can overcome a
shon
lived because the indivjdual may
fear of social gathenngs, for cxaniple. by adapt to the
in such gatherings and having
drug in a few wecks (Kosenhan &
participating
i e can 1968)
London
the expernence of being accepied.
Icarn to reveal his feclings without
the ear Reseac eftoris coniinue in an attempt
of disapproval as he discovcrs that a greater to evaluate the eiiecis and 2ppropriate uses
openness of expression makcs his inter of the minor ranquilizers and to improve
niore rewarding rather them. At he present lume, however, it seems
personal relationsh1ps
threatening. Such experiences in- that at best thcy are crutches which are
than more valu
able in times of special stress. Used
crease his self-conñdence and sive him a primarily
broadening base for more healthy emotional indiscriminately, they may be dangerous be.
patterns. cause they may produce harmful side effects
and/or obscure the need to come to grips
se of drug therapy jor emotional tension. with the oniginal. source of tension.
Tn recent years a great deal of public and
scientific attention has been focused on the
use of tranquilizers and other drugs in
dealing. with emotional tensions and mal- DEALING WITH PROBLEM EMOTIONS
adjustment.
In general, such drugs may be classified The general strategies already outined for
as "tranquilizers" and "energizers"; all of improving emotional compelence are, of
them act on the central nervous system. The-course, applicable to all the emotions. In ad-
tranquilizers may be further classified as dition, however, it will be useful to explore
strong tranquilizers like chlorpromazine, the unique aspects of several of the emotions
which are used in the treatment of psychoses, that most often present problems for us. Al-
and weak or minor tranquilizers like mepro though we will discuss them one at a time, it
bamale, which is perhaps best known under should be emphasized that in our actual ex
commercial "hames süch as Miltown -and
Equanil. Weak tranquilizers are used ex-
perience they rarely occur in isolation. Fear,
anxiety, and hostilty, for, example, com-
tensively for the relief of anxiety and tension monly go together.
and for in
help sleeping8 The energizers are
used to alleviale feelings of lethargy or
depression. Fear, Anxiety, and WorTy
The remarkable success of the tranquil
izing drugs in treating mental illness has As we have seen, the term fear is usuauly
tended to obscure the fact-at least in the
public mind-that they alleviale symptoms used 1or a response toa specific danger and
anxiety for a response to danger or threar
rather than causes. Thus many
turned to minor
people have Which is less clearly perceived. Following
tranquilizers
tension and strain of
to
reduçe the nis usage, the frightencd individual usually
he can
cvcryday living or to
help them get through a particularly difficult
"Knows what he is afraid of"" and what
m i n o r

period. Some persons have found that minor Because of possible harmful side elfects lo eil
ws
ranquilizers alleviated their tension and anx- tranguilizers, severalSaiesna der ih
automobile while under
the inluerce
inue

iety and made them feel more to drive an

capable af ot such drugs.
 DEALING WITH PROBI.EM EMOTIONS 407

tthe
he a11.10us
which the individual cxpericnces 2 chronic.
whereas
170ul it,
1,
u f i e r e a s

nOi
clear pervasive fceling of anxiety whatever the
but
but is
du
danger
0.ngei
cxtcrnal circumstances.
Cannol
senses
iiCIion tott a r e
whal Of course, il i5 not always easy to dis-
indrvtudi narreO and
anxiety

toitsexaC: leh
Tcar

Cic|rly per tinguish between realistic and umealistic

s
with
i. clciicd
oy fears and anxieties or to determine whether a
dealing stressful
being or
oethet-fear d a n g e r o u s

given individual is overly prone to lear and

ol l n e u n p r e d i c i a b l e

ceived
enrd
aspccis
y "s a
anxiety in dealing wjth the everyday prob.
and anxiCy For
cxzmple,
ation lems of iving. However, an of
uncertain
implic?lions.
marriage
may
feel
this distinction and an
awareness
approach to ear
or approaching new
and
ycung person
probicrns
atd anxiety as reactions to be recognized
concerning
nnanc13 .me feel
fcar ana
al
the same about and understood rather than denied and hid.
esponsibilhlies a p p r e h e n s i v e
den appear io be important irst steps in deal
and
matied and
vaguely anAlous gei cmotions.
really wants to
with
whether he a
success.
ing these fcar and anxiety are
be As have seen,
his Marriagc WIll
we
anaicty in
whether Tear or their eífects. Fear
always negative in
lorm ol
is a involvecd not
Worry 2ctior
emotionally or
which the
individual
is sees no im which leads to caulion proteclivc
but a minimal or even
Iroublesome silualion often is constructive; similarly,
with helpless and
a
a
mediate
answer and Icels moderate level ol anxiely may represent
aboul thc
outcome. Wor of arousal in getting
somewhal hopelcss
fu necessary mechanism
needed uction. Mild anxiety
untoresecablc

usuall Tocus around

undertake
ries
what may happen
to the Us to anr-
ture events-about
can
facilitate learningi
and existential
other matters
individual or his loved ones, or
iety-anxiely centenng arounda hndis ap
sell-involved. meaningiul
and Jeading
in which he is propriate values
constructive
and fulilling Jife-can be
and anrieties. (1967) has said:
Realistic
Since
and wnrealistic Sears
no life is free of hazard, fear and anx
force in oui ives. As Levitt
"Thus unxiety is a Janus-headed crea
are normal and justified experiencecs. to sel-improvement,
ey, of weak- Tgre that can
inpel nman

Tet
many peopie consider it a form and compelence, can distort
or

nes or even cowardice to feel fear and anx achievemeni, and that of his
and inpoverish his existence
ey-iel alone cxpress them. It is especialy sellöws." (p. 200.
ihcull for men in our culture to admit their Since
lears and anxieties because of our prevalent
'expect and
what to
wha to do.
ereolype of the male as a strong.çonñdent Knowing stem from a feeling of help
and anxiety
provider under whose protection his family ear in
of.danger, the best and
sace
cel secure. Recognition essness in_the adequacy
as normal and
of fear and anx* Surance againat them
is actual
c a n n know
ey permanent parts of the hu- Obviously
we

an condition is a first step in dealing eftec competence.

all the
demands we
will face,
lively with them. ahead of time
probable ones
foresee many fairly
but we c a n
Secoad step in dealing with these them. \With specihc
ourselves for
noions
na u
is
distinguishing between realis and prepare vocation, pard
ealisüc fear and Is the fear preparation for mamage we are much

areal danger? anxiety.

example,
iCd by areal
Cied Is it nood, and
old age, for e
and
proportuona constructi
aled?actual
2
to maintain prob
likely the
e e ol danger, or is it exagger
more
approach in
meeting
what to
an actualonal or irrational? Is it born of ask-oriented
typically þrng.
Knowing

reh,present stress situation, or does c m s they

do about
it c a n make
us

infepervasive
nferiority? fceling of inadequacy au
we saw
Cxpect
and what to

conñdent
of fearfut,
instead
cven
in a

in Chapter 6, a
dis
Icel
very demanding situation.

nAiet en made between situationa certain types

of situations
and
ular conditions-2nd
ular PAIety whizh occurs under narii II there are
experience
Icar

commonly
we
And general anxicty-in n
which
40 MiONAI COM'ETLNCE

BEING A GOOD WORRIEN

Irwin (16B) has suggested Ihe lollowing atluudes

anc activties to keep worryingrom gelng out or
hand &nd even ute t constructively deoling vnlh tiin
"Thlarily t f t ejus
. y i n 9 to virw h e proiem or antcning
eve in pertpective Are we
maHing A
"mountain i l timilur cG.cors an ViGries ard tal
ot nctehill? ill e cver one wey or ariolhr amount ol
orrying i t h nmal
r4
two" Uu most of pnpaing lgr ulijfe esigoni9,
arg enn
rweck cr c t worties
pro s a gt.e
9rounciess ion nol l9 Wy hGul
2. about wor/es and toncerns 6.
wnn9
Taikin9 wil Otining ph.elngEal **Cugtarss tar.
meone wo trust This brings ttic probiem oul whora wories seem deap 1oled
Can be eamined and beiler defined are scriousy hangicapping ard gsiy prann
out
3. Conveting worrying into a problem-solving hdjustmont *vetyiay pR

anxiely, we can often lake measures to who were

unworricd about inpetding
m-e
modify our emolional responses-0s in surgery werc less alble to vritistand the
paig
working through psychic wounds-or we can and other stresses of
learn to cary on
postoperalive convales
cespite the fear. As we be cence, whereas paticnts who were moder
come. accustomed to functioning in fear ntcly worried and apprehensive before sur
producing situations, we may find our fear gery apparently tended to go through a
lessening, although it may not be complctely mental rehearsal of the impending
banished. and were betler prepared for he stressful
danger
Takine ztion in a fear-producing situa situation when it matcrialized.
lion may also be of key importance. Fear
often tends to a paralysis of açtion-and pa-
Chronic anxicty and worry can hamper
Us in three basic ways. First, as we have
ralysis to an intensification of the fear. Action noted, anxiety beyond a very minimal level
-almost any action-can break this circle
and lessen feelings of fear even when it does
leads to a defcnsivc oricntation which makes
us less able to face our problems objectively
not lessen the actual danger. The actor usu- and work cllectively toward their solution.
ally loses his stage fright once the action be- Our perceplion narrows; we become more

ns, as does the athlete once the contest is rigid and less inventive; and we develop
under way. spiraling need to protect ourselves by denial,
Tationalization, ánd other delense mechune
A certain amount of isms. Second, ch1ronlc anxiety keeps us phy
Being a good worrier. lologically mobilized for emergency aclioa
is
anxiety andofworry probably"an inevitable
by-product modernliving Most of us feel W en no uppropriate uction is cvident, te
lefms o
vaguely apprehensive much the timeof hurmful elNects of such anxiety ir
been men
psychosomatic disorders have
about possible accidents,delined
losses, or other
failures, setbacks, tioned. Third, chronic worrying deprives
poorly future possl.
bilities. of the enjoyment of jiving ive and
0 muclh
Worrying is a form of Scar and anxiety continually concericu,w e than with
which can be realistic and constructive or rather than wil
aspects of living
ungero's Oflen a
unrealistic and destructive. Jnnis (1968) hasthe and
positive ennc about that
ot things that
referred to the useful "work of worying" In Chfonie worrier will worty
preparing an :adividuUal for coping with ature
laken
and hen be unawa
stress. For example, lie found that
never happen occr
that do
palicnts by lhe slresses
 DEALING WITH PP9LEM EMOT1ONS. 409

them and cliciting rejection of

retaliation and
Anger and l H s t i l i t y
punishment, especialy i: they, t0o, believec
that anger on our part means
viCwed as rejection and
oc
lack of love. Mosi children lcarn
scen, anger iay wit cariy that
have
expressions of anger or
inicricred

sH lo being hostility are likely

its n e e d s through lead
nenal
response
to
meet to to punishment and
pain for them.
anger out
helpsthe
oganism
Kage is When the individuai vicws his hostile
cten. con-
er agsresSive
t3ck
more
endunng
fcelings 2s dangerous and immoral, he may
HOstlny s and
resort to defense mechanisms such as denial
efcontrol. invoitng
angry!celings

enmil, (oF hatred) is

dnion of or repression as a means of keeping his fecl
intnct
narm. Hatc more
endeney:: but is a m
ings oui of consciousness, or he may turn his
to nostnty
hiar and a
foughly anger
hostilhty ward and
in engage in severe self-
around

st2ie CollerifnE the

complex io belall recrimination for having such immoral and
harm or misiortune
wish for and involving ulacceptable feclings. Either approach only
group, or ooject
hatcd person. tenderncies. agcra*ales the probicm. ChroniC, Laacknowl-
action
of
a vanely a r e normal edged hostility can poison the wholc re
and n O s t i l i t y
Although anger We difler lationship and Icad to a psychosomatic afflic
cquipment,
of our 2djustive in
parts
both individually
and as groups, tion; intrapuni!ive handling of the hostiliy
greatly, of the hosilc feel- affords some expression but undermines
and frequency
the degree some
feelings of adequacy, worti, and selfl-
As we have scen, one's
cxperience.
ings we
encourage
hostility and esteem.
and
cultures value build in in-
whereas others
discourage Unexpressed hostility may
aggressiveness, until it, blocks Out more
addition, either a repres
teiisity c v c r time
such emotions., In toward the other person.
In
sive social setting or
a constantly frustrating positive feelings
the iodividual may spcnd
residents cxpenience, can mantal counseling,
one,
such
as slum much more hostility sessions
expressing his
hosule
feel-
expectcd induce
to several his more posi-
be favorable balance of ings toward his mate
before
than one that provides
a

But e v e n in a come to the fore and

he
can be
sacfactions over frustrations. uve feelings have some virtues
favorable social setting immature or unreal that she does
gn to say Thus when
feel-
or he does loye her.
1stic expectations may lead frequent
to and that
some channe
are intense,
chronic hostiliies and resentmentS. ngs of, hostilityconsidered desirable.

of expression is to discuss
one's
feasible
not
Where-it is
involved
.

Undersianding and expressing anger and hos the person

hostile feelings with relationship, the indi
tliy. As with other emotions, competence in. damaging the
without
discuss his feel-
dealing with anger and hostility begins with vidual may find
it helpful to
A
an understanding and acceptance of our with a trusted
fnend or counselor. of
ings handling
the
moral sell- approach to
ceings rather than denial or
relatively
new
encounler
groups,

condenination. such hostülity

is the use
of

a r e usually taught early in life that described in

Chapter 12.
as
we should love our parents
OUr spouse. and children. Yet hose those
ana s destructive
hostilig. In many
re
vs.
COse to us inevitably frustrate us a imes Constructive are normal
and hostility
situátions anger construcive action.
ence clicit some measure of anger and lead to 2utocratic

f we believe that we should iei actions that may arousèd by

and hostility or oihers
pure love and affection for such perbo Anger
unjust
treatment
of.onesell

in work:ng
1or
hostile Cult for us to admit and accept and constructivcly level,
used personal
be
eelings and even more diffcult to may On a
more
per
heip aroiner
retorms.

or
them dnd 2Cceptable ways of expressing
OCial

anger
may
being.inconsiderate
our
expressing

ward pressing anger and hostility (o* that he

is
realize
Ed ones Son
bears the risk of alienatung
 EMOTIONAIL COMPETENCE
410

hatcd thai h1 tav07 e1m peo Guilt, D:piession, nd Grie!

ple 1tu uintended wVs

commoniy. howevCr. ange

and Man univCIsally CApeticnces a sunse
Morc of guilu
stility take destructive forms. Ve let frus whern he Violates
ethical
ot moral
in which he belicves. Guilt is principles
1 4ion and hosulity interfeie with harmoni
characterized
Ous And satisfying interpersonal rclationships by a fccling o rcgret, les.ened personal
brcomnc unduly upset and angercd by worth, and usually some measure of
0112r anxicty.
delays, discourtesies, or ohicr iril And as we have scen. guili is closely reiated
to
tuations that are telativcly uni depression. with its charactenstic discour.
1 S r o n g engei may lcad us tc apement, dejection, and
gloomy thoughts.
Boih guilt and depression
Cyis idercd and costly actiof, *hich wc may are
commonly in
ater egret and for which *c may recive volved in
gict stemming lrorm the loss of
Sevete punishinent, including imptisonment. loved oncs
Dn a socil level, de magogues often stir up Althouph these emotions are part of our
itnd caploil leclings of bitterness and hatred adapiive tesources, they may take either de.
1o i n personal power and lead ihe socety structive or constructive forms and often arc
to calamitous action. dificult to deal with.
Thus i becomes important to distinguish
between anger that is appropnate and con- Normal . pathological guilt. The recognition
structive and anger that of responsibility for failure to livc up to one's
is
inappropnate ethical and is
and destructive. Although anyone may be
aroused to inappropriate anger and hostlity
moral values a necessary
comitant of self-direction. Thus guilt is po-
con
when unduly fatigued or under the infuence tentially a normal and useful cutotion that
of alcohol, drugs, or special stress, habitual can Tead to a correction of error
and repara
overreacting to minor frustrations or fre tion of damage. When guilt out is pro- ofall
quent extremes of anger and hostility usually portion to the inagnitude of the "sin" that
indicate unrealistic cxpectation or under was committed, however, or when it focuses
lying feelings of immaturity and inserionity. on self-condemnation and self-devaluation
instead of future improvement or redirection

Expecting some hostility from others. As we of effort, it is pathological.

learn to accept and tolerate hostility in our Normal uilt feelings can usually be
sclves, we must also lean to accept it in dealt with through confession of guilt (1o
thers, cven when it is directed against us. oneself or others), a sincere effort at repara
Perhaps the most essential aspect of dealing tion, and then a willingness to accept 1or
with overt hostility in adulthood is to be pre giveness and look to the future instead o
pared for it and to gite up the notion of want- dwelling on the past. This sequence usual
same
ing veryone to love and appreciate us at all leaves one better equipped . avoid the
times. Although there is a certain justice in mistake on subsequent occasions.
reacting angrily to the seemingly unjustiñed In the case of pathological guill, how
anger of anothe: person, this is a form of self- ever, the individual may be convinced that
ne
indulgence that seldom pays ofi. Twò people slate can never really be wiped clean.
the
Teels that he has committed a great and un
preoccupied with defense against each other
or
with reteliation for past offenses only feed per
pardonable sin and suffers pervasive andsell-
and perpetuste their feelings of hostility. If Sistent feelings of unworthiness and
we canse ancther person's anger, especially feels dejecied an
devaluation. Often he
when it is disguised, as a problem for him or satisfaction n
depressed and finds no joy to00,
he 5u
rather than s a threat to us, we can often that he does. Usually,
anything
make the response that will lessen his ten- from of anxiety and apprenei
feelings
sion nd thus make a better relationship ers fran belief hat somen
his
SiOn Stemming sins. Some
pOssible
he will be "punished for his
 DEALING WiTH PRO0:LEV ENMOrios 411

rcsorts
to self key mperiance in vew ci ihe suizdal te.
dencies which otten eccur
rse
c h
an
mechanisisStcas
indVJUuR
projectio : severe
C
misdeeds
on pressions.
blame tor nis
a s i n g the
conscious
rom

and frecing
*mse
valuation.
Berecremen: and grief: Grref is 2
uiversz
ehers
of
Euit na sci-de icelinss usualiy reaction to bereavement. 1ound even amors
feelings guilt animals. It is apparently based oa a ciose
pathological moral
Such and
u n r e a f i s t i c

refect
i m m a t u r e ,

ngta, could possi- idetiication wit the person F thing the

that no liuman bei but im- has been iost: in a sense, the berezved fees
standards unreiaiistic

that a part of himsel! is gone Ttis is epe

folloa;
witn an such
naivIduai
is fore
biy wth the death of a ciose
conscicnce, ne devaluation. Cialiy apPparent
plarable tailure and
to perpciual of family ember, but much the säme reactIos
doomed importance

see t h e crucial Over ezth

Thus agan
we
and
values in may public mournins
occur in

individual
s
assuimpilons
re.
of a weii-loved natioaal figure.
the of his
appropnateness

reactions are not severe

determining
the Most griei
tierFE
sponse pattcrns. enough to be incapzcitating. IYpCaily
mo0d, sleep drszuption,
and
discour. IS a depressed
Dejection and works
Guilt and depression. r e a c t i o n s to setbacks crying.Usualy ndividual he
expecied the gnef react:on; resorting to
agement are through"
kecpus frcmreach avod
and disappointments
ihat
has an denial or repression in
an
attempi to
individual the grie reaction apparently Simply= n e
ing our goals. Where the aspiration,
unrealisticaly high level of how gnet work
that must be
ongs the
sufter excessive feelings of de the new
Situataz Te
cver, he may minor out for adjustment to
jection and depression over relatuively psychological needs of the bereaved persca
to his ong express h
that offer litule threat around freedom to
Sclbacks usually center also of gu~
ange Thus a student may be dejected s o r r o w bui
only cf
goals ina c o u r s e in
which hec
feelings-not
are involved-and,
2
a these
over gerung Bgrade
was aiming and expecting to ge! a A. A
or hostülity, if he tneso
emotional support as
httle later,
though such reactions subject him to unnec
build a new lile. source
not ol the only
cSsary misery, they' are usually key Of course,
death is not

and clear up rapidly over u m e grnel. A man's wre may

importance
Severe depressive reactions, however, of
bereavement
and
commit a
cnme
d
him; his s o n may
aTe more serious, especially when there is a eave
prison. The
loss oe an eye
or
li
be s e n t to of
bereavemeal

srong component of guilt and self-devalua IS

aiso a very
real s o u r c e
can
bnng
gnei
0Such guilt-tinged depression, as we saw the loss
of a possession
in Chapter 8, is often part of a neurotic o
Even bas supplied nportaa
if the possession
te
PSychotic reaction. This seems to and lor gratihcations
supports
sense, nas been
emotional
y true in Christian and Judeo-C.anstia
and, in a generalhimselt.
cluies, with their emphasis on persona individual extensica of
Our a-
viewed as an wiiR e
ponsibility (Murphy,Wittkower, concern
here,
howeer,

fron
is
ihe k s s
e,1967). Unrealistic aspirations, ngia mary

cavement
and gnetf
stemming

ions haevelopment, and other condi

of loved ones.. reaction to
ereaiemeat
commonly lead to
patho An
individual's
the

in ns are also commonly invoiveu the me.ining

ih pathological depression upon
depending od tne
ti:s
indi
vanes the strength

Althoug may be useful exámine loss to him and B e r c a v e n a i

m t
to disrupted.
rations and values if one is oubled nave
been Irnencsh:p.

ies felings o guilt and depression, tendcn volve

a
loss of secuniy,
support,
or vt-ad
tOward evere and pathologicai emotional
surprising inat sre
onship,
if the require
deprES these.
Thus it
is not
felings
et
hesiiiy.

TO be
professional ass.stan be
compiicated
by
alieviated. Such help is o may
 412 EIOTIONAL. COMI'ITENCE

tepressi1-Pspecally'
when the oí considerable spettilatan. Fronim (1956)
rili, ant
ambivalent beleves Ihat love uevelops frc.m man's
individu:al has had
ctstiken
loved one. IHe may
awareness of his sepafateness and his reed
eeings toward the lost overcome
cngags in
self-recriminalion for past negiect
to
tnc anAICY nis separateness
other thoughtis
brings by achicving union with someone or
for lelt hostility, or lor
havine
oission or commission lor something. But
he stresses the point that the
a0 acts
which o
he now leels guilty. (ouilt and depres only healthy unton is one in which the integ.
Son are almost ineviiahle, when the individ rily of the individual is not threalened. We
can achiec a
zal has actually been involved
** s o m e
Way lecling o Union hrough de.
1 the cvent that caused the deathof the loved pendence on
another inüividual or
through
accident in which conformity to ihe group, bul in So dc:ng. we
n an automobile
ne-as surrender
the was
tic diiver. our own individuality: likewise,
Since it is now too Iate to i a k e repara- we can
achieve union through dominating
ion tor his alleged or actuial musdeeds, guil, others, but
here thec others sufer. Only
be through love, Fromm Icels, can the necded
seil-recri.ination, and depression may
severe. Here the process of griel work may sense of union be achicved without loss of
take individuality and integy Of her side.
be much more complicatcd and may May (1968) has also emphasized the theme
m u c . longer time, and ihere is a real poa

sibility of suicide. Professional a5sistance

and
of aloneness as a basis 1or our need for love
in his stalemen! that:
during the most inle se period oi gnel
severe Every person, as a separate individual,
depression is to be ncouraged. In
experiences aloneness. And so we strive ac
cases, where inu.vidual might otherwise
an
tively to overcome our alonenesS by some
by the inlensity of bis
bs overwhelmed form
fcelings: ranquilizers or other medication of love. (p. 23
may help him over the crisis until he is able Whatever ils onigin, te search for love
to work through his Ieelings in a normal way. is exiremely powerful force in
an human
Fcept in unusual circumstances, however, existence.
the use of drugs only restpones the gnel

work and makes the indgvidual's readjust-

The meaning and farms ore, Many peo
ple have tried to define love, Prescott (1957)
ment more dificult.
has descibed valid love in terms of the fol-
lowing components:
Love As a Problem Emotion L o v e involves more or less empathy
with the loved one. Aperson who lovesac
af- tually enters into the feelings of and shares
Despite its central importance in human
fairs, love, as a psychological phenomenon, intimately the experiences of the loved one
In and the eftects of these experiences upon the
has received very litle scientihc study.
fact, manyY psychology bocks do not even loved one
have the term love in the icdex, and where 2 One who loves is deeply concerned
the term is used, it is ordinarily in connection Jor the welUare, happiness, and developmene

wMth sex and mamage

rather than in terms of of the beloved. This concem is so
deep as 1o
become one ol the major organizing valuesS
its more general placein human relationships. self-structure olf the lov-
Yet it would probably be agreed hat an In the personality or
ability to give and receive love is of the
one
ing person.
3. Onc who loves finds pleasure
most important compelen
ol all emotional
niaking his resources available to the ove
es, for a:: the evidence points to the neces
sity of loving and being loved for normal one, 'o be Used by the other to enhance nis
human development and functionin8 wellare, happiness, and deveop
Why bumar teines have such a great Strength, time, money, thought, indeea
Tesources are proñered happily to the o
Ced and desire for love has been the subject
 DEALING Wirii P'ROBI.EM EMOTIONS
41

mercly pression in the iblicai inyuiton to "love

person is not
OVinE
hs usc.
A
welfare
el. and hy ncighbor as thyself."
beloved's
for
tnc
.2hout
about 2. Motherly (parentalj love. ere
onerne somcthing
ne docs Fromm cmphasizcs Ihe parent's
evekyment,
t h e loVing
person
secks a
uncond
"4. Of course
activitics tional affirmation of his child's life and needs
pantcipaon in the
happiness, and Parental love involvcs care and responsihi
maimum wcllarc,
that contnbuteTo lneb e i o v e d . But he also ac-
ity for the weli-being and growth, to
child's
of the
development and individuality gether iwith a willing acceplance of the fat
lhe ungueness that the child's lifc is hic uwn. The parent
ces faly
beloved
and.
.accords
.himn) Jull assumes responsibility fe: a life cntrusied to
thc a n d to become
1o aci, thar
reedon to experience,
person
his carc and finds his happ:ness il secing
A loving lee is
io become.
non
he desires ise fulfilled. True mothesly
kat
nonpossessive
respect ior
the sel
has a possessive.
one. (p. 558) describes erotic
iaod of the loved of course, somewhat 3. Erotic love. Fromm
a completc fusion.
There are ast
a love as"the craving for
w e icel 1or
in the love for union with one other person. I: is by i
Lique components
friend, and a mate. From
parent, a child, a
different Very nalure exclusive and not universal.
course, crolue love
somewhat
delineates five of
(1956) below. (Pp. 52-53) Typically, framework of
as described culmiration in the
love relationships, most finds its
lo. Perhaps the
1.Brotherly humani(y. of marnage.
casic kind is at for
of love
Fromm describes it as "the sense of re
all 4. Self-love: Since love implies cancern,
selí-love is con-
responsibility,
respect, and is to be
knowledge of any if the individual
sponsibility, care, respect,
other human being, the wish to further his
sidered a necessity
Sel-deprecaticn
others.
lfe." (p. 47) Unlike the love of man and capable of loving with all healthy
interfere
love and scll-rejection
or mother and child, brotherly
woman love relationships.
discussing religious
5
in no way It is the
exclusive. onentatioin 5. Love of God. In
to all human relatuonships which finds Cx*

UNHEALTHY LOVE RELATIONSHIRS

excitement
and
continuous
3gna
love of constant
uising between Theathy and unhealthy
not always easy. Assuming outsiders are no
no oratlon from
the loved one.

deceittul
kove-in which one
partner

4,False or
love but
uses
the
re
yarelationship, the only yardstick we, have o deep and endurlng other
2uatirg its prolesses explout the
is the
exlent which
healthiness doliberalely the
which

aeoIhe happiness, well-baing. and afe

lo love-in
lauonship
per Two-against-ihe-word
stancing
onal gr 6.
as hvo persons
both
participants. By this criterion, and
a lo
ohe
otypes of love rolationship woulü aPpear pariners view
themselves

world,'Indicating
a
detensvo

o be unhealthy: hostlo
against a
sell-centerod orlentation. love-in which one
ts onal love-in which the IndividuB .
insecuro
and
devalualing

anxious
and ollen
jealous

the other conforms to his noeds and and ralner

Cktales e
parther
loeis
insecure

soll-concept
is
d e v a l v a l e d

e other remains insensitive to the noeds

o in
which
his
purt
and which the

te Post ove-in which the person

Iha bullt up. love-in

andin
loved o down
destructive

Croprieta
view
t as a possesslon and treats him in a
7. Mulvaly
fear
each
oiher
charactered

and
to be
Ome exploitative way rather than Bs a" u n d e r m i n e
aopears

ongmous, seif-actualizing per wcn

tho
r e l a t i o n s h i p

y
love.

ey fomanlicized love-with
on more by hate
ihan

talion;
exp
 ONFLCTING ASSUAPTIONS ANOUT AOMANIIC LoVE

e ntaiton pernonal espeience, an .That ench

***bieivation hat been tlainmed unue and dislingliv* successive ove lationsnip is
toves as he
**perienc-and aiss tn
has loved thefore ne
4o that there
* * a * a the png ' a l cauve of our high tnuity in his tove is
relatonships And he
at
g he AIie s l a b e s wite ap may
he e * i et mwyar u t marriage jevenng ma
That rue roiantic
love
iss-and also hat h e
lea4s to harm.on,
patth of true tove
a nte koe b n t and ialional does run sUO,
tomantic lcve a he
niensty o teing
w hat
Ihe oihet person Seen tealis aiCly
iinevitably 9ad to contie:
nd
an
in

t i*Nhin.ie 8nyway.
7. That it is
rossiblh in
t asequate eual relalionships slen frons one's delenses and let one's rom Antic kove to lemer
lauts be
parthef-and a so hat one musl befreely e n by
nd ian N OUnd
ony in the contest ol roniantic lovo he
- N N that adequate sexual ioved and hent: mus1 aiways lovatie to te
e ihe nay w the later
teiationshps olten
eep his best foot
development ot lovo. ward in appearance and
behavior. tor
i a t thnding the right person is the most im-
MAN inN'NN in romantic
8.Tha omanlic iove can be leit
for
onily one
love-and ais0 that love
y to gne and receive love is the most
ec. al a lime-and alo liat.the
irdvidual
may be romantically in love with more than
t a N determinent. one
son simLaneouslyY per.

ove, Fromm (p. $3) again emphasizes man's be

heed to concerned
relationships iu primarily
mariage
with healthy love
zieve
oveicome Separatciess and top
unira"-in this union case, with ul-
Limate reality. This point is
ther in
elaborated fu Romantic love vs. infatuation.
Although eco-
Chapter 16 in connecion with thec nomic saclors rather than love
quest for values.. have often
been emphasized in
Thus love may take several different has played an
marniage, romantic love
forms and may have important fole in most cultures
several different mean
ings Ceuul to all the forms of love, how
(Kurland, 1953). In our contemporary so
cicty, we: are constantly
ver, appears to be an attitude of care,
exposed
trayals ol idealized romantic por
love in movics.
to
con
cera, and responsibility for the loved one,
and a desire to promote his growth, well-
television, plays, novels, and popular songs.
As
in tihe case of
being. and concems. Nor does an individual
of love, other forms how
ever,"we know very little about romantic
usualiy show only one form of love in real life: speculation about it by var-
love;
co.mcrly, the ability for any of the particu
more
ous alleged authorities casts little light on the
lar forms of love is
part of a broader orienta subject.
ion involving the valuing ol other human Some of the many conlicung
beings and an ezgemess to form warm bonds tions which have becn held, about
assung
with other peoplc. As Fromm has put it romanluc
(1956): ove arc summarized in the char. Inerest
ingly, virtually the only scientiñc evidence
f a person loves oaly one oilier person and we have regarding any of these assumptions
ir
indiferen: to ihe rest o his Jellow men, concerns the last two pairs. In his study ot
tus love is rct love bui symbiotic atiachment,
or an e.arged ezotism." (p. 46) sell-aciualizing people Maslow (1954) found
that these individuals were able drop
te remainder of this section, shall
to tne
I we delenses in their love relationships and e
 DEAUNG WITH
PRO3.EM
FMOT:ONS
selves without teur or reiense:

he deeest SaistGcions ce erpeneaced oman: love

w
heay (ore rela:ionsip rc
or
imagine quzity c
tan
the
under2zo
the invoived.
eapenen
Often the question is
A N s the grea:est spentary. tinciion be:ten r2sed as to the dis
I** Sresiest drap.
tion. romentic iove and
r e s i urdires, Lackiag 2 dlear inizta
deenses urd ^oectio cgains: we can ake only 2
understanding
eneral
of ehes.
fatuztion ts
USaly "onsideredistinctioa zi I

i be gcrded.
to corcesi, to iry
ense romantrc to be
y
o jee: iense, o waich one's wori relatNasup of shot urci
ipress,
a t s , 0 S%ppress iess. +!y pecpie
o does not take into 3ccan:
that Rey car C ~itkou heniseives
Rrsonakt*s Or any
th "" oi
et other raion2l
o eapecia. tions. Oiten indatuat:on consiterz
seling taatnere cre deriands invoives a tigi de-
them;
they can jeel psychologi. ree ot wTsh:u!
Lvnsp
raked
cnd sill
tAinking in waich the lover
caly (as well as pkys:calyj prcjects a ials
the head of tke kove
over
fel loved and wanied and secure." (Pp. 239. one and sees
oniy w i wznts
240) stead of wña: ts there. Oace is ta see
Whether this finding would hold for less become nore realistrc, tte
perceptivas
romentik n
sef actualizing people in ess healthy love mav sud niy be lost
relationships is a moot point Uritunately, as Kephart (1967) s
In an early study of S00 American col. ponted ut, one. usua!ly thinks of his cz-
ege girls, Ellis (1948) reported that S8 per rent romantic expenence as love ratber than
cent admitted simultaneous infatuations and infatuation; infatuation is usually reognized
2 per cent reported being in love simul- as such-at least by the person iavohed-
acously with two or more men. The find- only after it is over.
mgs of Packard (1968) with respect to the Although infatuatioa may nox last, it isa
Sexal patterns of college men and women powerful fo* while it holds sway. It pro-
Sest tha" the earlier findirgs of Ellis may vides both rose-colored. spectackes ad a
be valid for today's generation as wel sense of urgency to its victims, and when it
Romantic love is characterized by leads to a hasty mamiage, the imdivdsa! may
stroag feelings of attraction toward and af- find himself maried to someone he saney
fection for the loved whose come to bim:
ponts OMeweak in s
person, a desire to be knows, S
ith him (er her), a concerm for his well- gute a shock,
eing, a willingness to make more of oneselt also
Mary other irrational ekements may
make it difficult for a peson to tell if e s
cr him, and a desire to contrbute to his hap-
pAess and personal growth. Usually it alsoo even aNeativeay
really in love. For example,
cludes a desi.e for convice hims.f tha
affection from and
sex mature individual may
is in kove
intimacy with the loved person. Such maried because he
he wants to get
have
vE may endure and deepen over the years when actually what he
wants is to sone
his senua'
t may wither away. In some instances one take care of him, or to ensure

himselí fron kxrc

Te appears to be a shift from romantic sauisfaction, or to protect
to disillusionment and hurt and some liness. Often, too, the individual has been a
ues even romantic RoN t
to with the
hostility and hate. doctrinated
in the wwkd wad
Despite all these of similarityany there is oaly person
one e

biekpenence oints in his earenress

to ieve

y personal romatic love is unique,

of for him; i r dim
k
a nght it is easy
to expenenc that may be dif-
uescnbe to others. In fact, writers
nas found
that person,
himself that he is in
av
corvince
love grows
ort
o sh: rad
TOmanti e described the expernience ot Genuine
eroiie

kinds. Treciatev N
m ve in quite diverse ways. lit eAperiences of many
nesSriy
onc
is nor
y that a marrage
person who has never nappy
 416 LStOTONAL CONMPETENCIL

nt at ail trmes. tut il s n c l because he eais. w i e ihe

h second e
17 uhh the onds of love are deepenca by perience. usuaiy 1argeiy medtated by the
by happiness, and ater, shows the child that he can work
shared roblems as wcll as
love nd achieve for
continuC to
one in whch both partners
row as individuals. The latter poinl is par
can

within his
it-1hat it is potentially
control. Later these two
tiClariy mportant,
tor a love which fccds are
integrated into a lecling that one istrends
hasi
to destrov itsclf. Erotic cally lovabie and worthy
of love but afso that
on
oie,
ndency is apt
ike brotherly and parental love, nur he can behave in
ways which wll ir rease or
t7es the growth o the lovcd one as a destroy the love that oiher
people wi!! fee!
of iim.
ind:idua
Lacking cither part of this
experience,
The cbility to love. Most investigators be- the child
is handicappedlaler on. If he has a
lieve that peopie vary grcatly in their ability weak and uninterested father and an
indul
o love and to maintain a durasle loving in- gent mother, 1or
example,
to be able to love since his
he is not
Ekely
terzction with another person. An individ. orientation is a
ua's ability to love, like other emolional receplivc one in which he expects others to
compelenCies, appears to depend upon a love him regardless of his own behavicr.
Or.
number of including early cx if the mother is cold and
Tactors, his unresponsive and
the father authonitarian, the child
periences with his parenis, ihe extent too
may E
which he Irusts others, his degree of personal lack the ability lor either giving or
maiurty and self-acceptance, and his free uncondilonal loye-always
re g
suspecting that
dom from exaggerated self-defense. lhere are stnings attached to being loved.
As we have seen, the ability to give and Whether or not we agree with
receive love apparently begins in a healthy Fromms
formulation, it is of interest as a model for
infant-mother relationship and then cxpands trying to understand the way in which early
as we build satisfying relationships with
family pattems may infuence
our aer p*
other family members, friends, and eventu- proaches to love relationships. It seems a
aliy a matee and children of our own Fromm
safe generalization that a minimally favor-
(1956) has distünguished two componenls able emotional climate in
which he considers of crucial importance in childhocod is ust-
ally necessary if the individual' is to be adle
such eariy cxperiences: (1) early ex- the to give and receive love in later years. Yet
perience of being loved unconditionally by love is a powerful force, and long-hed gu
the mother, and (2) the later experience of ems of self-doubi, cynicism, and of delet
having to meet certain standards to cnsure siveness may be dissipated by the expenence
love. The first experience is considered a
passive one in which the infant is loved
sim-
of genuinely loving and being loved by 30-
other human being.

SUMMARY AND A LOOK AHEAD

We have scen in this chapter how an individual's constitutional mak up, his
cariy training, the social climate in which he lives, and particulary ni he
of refcrence all help
detcrmine the pattern of emotional
to
r shallow
develops. Depending on these factors, his emotions may
negalivt.
specific geueral, preponderantly positive or
or and
CApression may be piencontrolled,
balanced uncontrolleu, ou
or
strictively channol
striicively channeled or suppressed, healthful or da.naging. Anand
individudio
aeplh and range of and
feeling, characteristic balance ol postu