Introduction: Verbal and Nonverbal

Communication

Have you ever thought you had clearly stated your needs, but what you got in
response was not what you expected? In this chapter, we’ll explore how to clarify
our own communication, and also how to better understand others.
Learning Objectives
9.1Determine causes, consequences, and solutions to abstract
language
9.2Summarize the meaning of "responsible language"
9.3Explain how culture effects communication rules
9.4Describe the importance of nonverbal communication
Despite my supposed expertise in human relations and communication,
I’ve certainly made my share of communication mistakes. I’ll even tell you
a story that I feel embarrassed about, simply to illustrate how easily
miscommunications can occur—even when we think we know what we’re
doing.

I was traveling in southern Italy a few years ago, having just led a group
of my students on a study-abroad trip. After getting my students safely
onto their flight home, my husband and I made a spontaneous decision to
visit a small town off the beaten path to just relax for a few days. We’d
been so busy preparing for the trip that I hadn’t had time for a haircut
before we left home, and my hair was getting shaggy, so I went looking
for a place to get a trim. After walking around for a while, we found a tiny
salon in an alleyway.

In my limited Italian, I asked the person who greeted me if I could get a

haircut. He called over another person, they conferred in rapid Italian,
and then told me they could cut my hair the following Tuesday. It was
currently Saturday, and we’d planned to leave for our next destination on
Monday. So, I asked if I they could squeeze me in either later that
afternoon or the next day for just a quick trim, trying to explain that we
were only in town one more day— but the looks on their faces made it
clear that something was wrong. Their eyes narrowed a bit, and they
looked at each other before one of them repeated that they could cut my
hair on Tuesday. Thinking that I must not have been clear that I only
needed a trim and that it wouldn’t take much time, I repeated my request.
They looked at each other again, eyebrows raised, and said to me in
unison, their voices rising in surprise, “Domenica?” Knowing that was the
Italian word for Sunday, I nodded enthusiastically, smiling broadly,
thinking that they now understood my request and would be able to work
me into their schedule the next day. That, however, was not the case. On
the contrary, they looked at each other, frowned, and one simply walked
away, shaking her perfectly-coiffed head. The other explained to me
firmly that Sunday is a holy day, and they do not work on that day. (I
found out later that, in keeping with religious tradition, their region
actually mandated shops be closed on Sunday to honor the holy day.
Because the bigger Italian cities no longer follow that practice, it didn’t
occur to me to check into it before we went to this small town—but it
should have.) Clearly, I had offended these locals with my request.
I was so embarrassed! Apologizing for my mistake, I left the salon, feeling
like a total idiot. After so many years of traveling, and teaching my own
students about the importance of learning about local customs before you
travel so you can show respect for them, I had failed to follow my own
advice, and come across like an “ugly American,” expecting that the
culture I was visiting would adapt to my needs. (I did something similar
in a different country when I allowed my dismay to show on my face
when the waiter proudly offered the special of the evening—which was
grilled filet of horse—but that’s another story altogether….)

In addition to my cultural blunder, I could see other mistakes I’d made in

the interaction after I reflected on it a bit.

• In asking for a “trim,” I was imagining something that would

take only 10 or 15 minutes, just taking a little off the ends. I was
trying to be sensitive to the last-minute request I was making
by only asking for a small amount of their time rather than for
the full salon treatment. But, upon reflection, the word “trim”
is pretty vague, and it’s quite possible that the stylists’
interpretation of “trim” did not match up with my own. This
type of imprecise language is called abstract language, and
when we study it in this chapter, you’ll see how often it gets in
the way of clear communication.
• I also didn’t interpret their nonverbal cues accurately in the
moment. I could see that they seemed a bit put off by my
request, but assumed the reason had something to do with the
language barrier, rather than my expectation that they would
work on a Sunday. As a result, I forged ahead in my attempt to
get on their schedule, not realizing I was adding insult to injury
by misinterpreting their nonverbal cues.
These examples illustrate how many nuances there are in communication,
and that—no matter how hard you try—you will make mistakes, because
there is always more to learn about the people we live and work with, the
culture and groups we live in, and certainly about the parts of the world
we haven’t explored. But that shouldn’t stop us from trying. In this
chapter, we identify some of the most common mistakes we make in our
own language use, along with how to overcome them. We also explore the
importance of culture in language and communication, focusing
especially on different interpretations of various nonverbal signals.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right place
but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
—DOROTHY NEVILL

Communication, then, isn’t just about talking, or even about just talking
and listening. It involves not only knowing what to say, but also how to
say it, and when to say it. Meeting this high standard relies not just on
communication skills, but on our understanding of the context—the
personal, social, cultural, and situational factors at play in a particular
conversation or interaction with others. It also requires careful and
effective listening in order to clarify others’ messages and intentions.
Throughout the chapter, you will find numerous specific examples of
conversations and communications from students in my own classes that
will help illustrate how each of these concepts appears in our own lives.
Thus, you will gain hands-on knowledge and practice in several key areas
of communication in this chapter. To help tie them all together, the
chapter is organized around four guiding principles of effective
communication.

1. Language must be clear: We must learn to choose our words

carefully and specifically, so we can avoid common
 misunderstandings that occur when we are unintentionally too
vague.
2. Language must be responsible: When we express our opinions,
we must acknowledge that they are opinions, rather than
present them as fact.
3. Language must be context-sensitive: In other words, we must
have knowledge and understanding of gender and other
cultural variables that influence people’s values and
expectations of communication, and we must apply that
understanding to our language so others can accurately
interpret our meaning.
4. Language must be congruent: We must be aware of the
nonverbal signals that we use (often unknowingly) when we
speak so that they support the message we are trying to send,
rather than undermine it.
Development of these skills goes a long way toward
developing relationship climates and reducing defensiveness in
relationships. Now, let’s examine each principle in greater detail.

9.1: Language Must Be Clear

Objective: Determine causes, consequences, and
solutions to abstract language

The first principle of effective communication is that language must be

clear and specific. Abstract language is language that is vague or
imprecise in some way, which often leads to misunderstandings due to
the variety of different ways a person might interpret your words. To help
you understand the nature of abstract language, think of a ladder with
highly abstract language on the top step and increasingly specific
language on the progressively lower steps (see Figure 9.1).
Figure 9.1:
Levels of Abstraction in Language
As you can see from Figure 9.1, making the transition from highly
abstract language to very specific language is an incremental process.
Chances are, you may have never really considered the ways your current
language is abstract—most of us generally intend to be clear. Why, then,
are we abstract?

Our use of abstract language can often be traced to the false consensus
bias, or our assumption that others see things the same way we do. This
mistaken assumption lures us into using a kind of verbal shorthand,
where we say things that are vague or general, assuming the other person
will know what we mean—in other words, our ideas are clear in our own
head, so we don’t realize how many shortcuts we are taking when we
verbalize them. Sometimes we get lucky and others do understand. In our
closest relationships, for example, abstractions may be interpreted
accurately because of our shared history and in-depth knowledge of each
other. Too often, however, others misunderstand, setting the stage for a
potential problem.

Example
Using Abstract Language

A good example comes from Patricia, one of my former students, who says this
about her tendency to use abstract language: “I told my roommate that I needed
her to respect my privacy. Several days later, I noticed that she seemed to be
avoiding me—she was never around in the evenings when we used to talk.
Instead, she’d either be gone or in her room with the door closed. Also, she
wasn’t bringing in the mail like we always used to do for each other, or texting
me, or even liking any of my Facebook posts. I asked her what was wrong, and
she said she was just trying to respect my privacy. I realized then that I’d been
way too vague—all I meant was that I didn’t want her to come into my room
without knocking first. Instead, I hurt her feelings, and it led to a big
misunderstanding.”

In fact, abstract language is such a common source of confusion that it

was immortalized in an episode of the classic sitcom Friends, when Rachel
told Ross they needed to “take a break.” Thinking they had broken up, he
was devastated, drowned his sorrows in a bar, and ended up spending
the night with another woman. When Rachel showed up the next morning
to talk to him, though, he realized he’d misunderstood, and that she really
wanted to work things out. Unfortunately, when she realized what he’d
done, she felt betrayed, and then it really was all over (until a few seasons
later, anyway).

9.1.1: Relative Language

9.1.1Explain why relative language can lead to
misunderstandings and strategies to avoid them

Now that we understand what abstract language is, let’s examine two
specific types of abstract language. The first is relative language, which
occurs when we use words or phrases whose meanings relate to, or
depend on, a particular context. In other words, relative language can be
interpreted in different ways by different people, based on each person’s
own experiences and preferences (which is that person’s context, and is
likely different than your own). Have you ever taken a class, for example,
because you heard it was an interesting class—but when you took it, you
found it dull and uninspiring? Or maybe you saw a movie that you
thought was excellent, but when you recommended it to some friends,
they later told you it was awful. Other common examples of relative
terms include beautiful/ugly, smart/dumb, nice/mean, fun/dull, and
clean/dirty. And my own use of the word “trim” in the chapter opening
story was relative language, too—after all, how many of us have stories
about asking a hair stylist for a trim and getting more cut off than we
expected? When we use relative words to describe something, we run the
risk of the other person misinterpreting our meaning, which in turn sets
up a potential conflict. We can avoid this danger with the same solution
that we used for abstract language: Give a specific, concrete description
that states the facts, and let the other person form his or her own
interpretation. Consider these examples:
Relative statement: “We won’t stay for very long.”
Descriptive statement: “We’ll only stay for half an hour.”
Relative statement: “I’ve been doing pretty well in school lately.”
Descriptive statement: “I got two A’s and two B’s last term in school.”
Relative statement: “Southern California weather is so boring!”
Descriptive statement: “The temperature in San Diego averages between 60
and 80 degrees year-round, and it’s sunny 345 days of the year!”

Abstract language in action

Relative language may be most risky when we are asking someone to do
something.

Example
Replacing Relative Language
Ann provides this example: “When I left the house yesterday morning, I asked
my husband if he would ‘clean up a little.’ When I got home, he’d cleaned the
bathroom, which was nice, but the house was still really cluttered, and that was
what had been bothering me. To be clearer, I should have said, ‘Will you please
put away your golf clubs that are in the family room, throw away the old
newspapers, and vacuum the family room and the living room?’ ”

9.1.2: Static Language

9.1.2 Describe the problem with and solution for static
language

A second type of abstract language is static language, or language that

implies that a situation or person is always the same. For example, we
might say that Shane is obnoxious, or that Tamira is quiet. In reality,
though, our behavior isn’t always the same: it changes based on our
moods and other internal states, the people around us, our needs and
expectations, and our interpretations of a situation. Even though we know
this to be true on a conscious level, we often take mental shortcuts and fall
into the trap of the fundamental attribution error—which is one
contributor to static language.
Examples of static language abound. Like other types of abstractions,
static language can be clarified with a specific, factual statement. Consider
these examples, along with their more descriptive(descriptive
language) replacements:
Static language: “She has a hot temper!”
Descriptive language: “Yesterday when we were talking about parenting, she
raised her voice and pounded her fist on the table.”
Static statement: “That restaurant is terrible!”
Descriptive statement: “When I went to that restaurant last week, I found a
hair in my food!”
Static statement: “Steven is lazy.”
Descriptive statement: “When we were at a barbecue last night, we ran out
of aluminum foil, and Steven drove his car one block to the store instead of
walking.”
These examples clearly show how our use of static language can mislead
others about a person or situation. Like other types of abstractions,
though, static language causes even bigger problems when we use it to
express concerns or complaints to others. The situation only gets worse
when, in our frustration, we commit the fallacy of overgeneralization.

Example
Replacing Static Language

Jenna provides this example: “Last week, my little sister refused to take out the
trash, even though it was her week to do it. Frustrated, I said to her, ‘You never
do your share!’ She got defensive, and we got into a shouting match about who
did more around the house. It would have been better if I’d said, ‘I noticed that
the trash can is full. Have you been busy, or did you just forget to take it out?’”
Jenna’s analysis is especially good because, in addition to noting how she
could have described her sister’s behavior rather than overgeneralizing about it,
she ended her description with a perception-checking statement that shows
empathy and recognition that her sister’s mistake might have been
unintentional.

As you read the section on static language, you might have noticed that
some static statements also include relative language. The one about the
restaurant, for example, uses the word “terrible,” which we could
interpret to mean bad food, bad service, uncomfortable environment, or
something else unpleasant. It also used the word “is,” which implies that
the situation at the restaurant is unchanging. The more descriptive
alternative clarifies what the speaker meant by “terrible” (the hair in the
dish), and also specifies exactly when it happened.

This illustrates the primary rule for overcoming

abstractions: Replace abstract terms with
concrete terms, and try to include a specific
example that describes exactly what happened
and when it occurred.

To build your own skills at identifying the various types of abstract

language and replacing abstractions with descriptions, try Activity 9.2:
Identifying and Replacing Abstract Language.

Activity 9.2:

Identifying and Replacing Abstract Language

Instructions: In the worksheet you downloaded, first identify whether the
following statements use relative language, static language, or both. Then
correct the problem by replacing the abstract language with language that
is clearer and more specific. (Hint: Using specific examples is a great way
to be clear!)

1. My job is too demanding!

2. I have the best boyfriend!
3. That was an excellent movie!
4. She is really mean!
9.2: Language Must Be
Responsible
Objective: Summarize the meaning of “responsible
language”

The second principle of effective communication is that language must be

responsible: In other words, when we express our opinion, we must make
it clear that it is an opinion and avoid presenting it as fact. Meeting this
goal is a two-step process. We took the first step in the previous section,
when we learned how to replace abstract terms (usually reflecting
opinions or judgments) with more concrete terms (usually reflecting
facts). The second step involves taking responsibility for our own feelings.
For example, it is important to avoid the fallacy of causation, which has
two negative outcomes: First, we feel helpless to change the feeling; and
second, the other person feels blamed, which often leads to defensiveness.
Using rational self-talk can help us overcome the helplessness, but what
can we do to reduce the chances of someone else becoming defensive?

9.2.1: I-Language Versus You-Language

9.2.1Distinguish between I-language and you-language

One of the biggest threats to positive relationship climates occurs when

we have a complaint or concern. How can we express our thoughts and
feelings about the issue effectively, without sounding critical? Perhaps
you say to a friend, “You need to be more responsible,” or tell a
significant other, “You’re getting on my nerves!” In either situation, the
receiver is likely to feel criticized. When we sense criticism, it often feels
like a threat to the stability of the relationship, which in turn can promote
defensiveness in the receiver. This type of message is known as you-
language, because it tends to cast blame on the other person. What can we
do to avoid this? Are we supposed to keep quiet about our concerns?
Of course not! The remedy comes in a type of language known as I-
language, so called because it takes responsibility for the impact the other
person’s behavior has on you, rather than simply scolding or casting
blame. (As you read the next section to explore the specifics of good I-
language, don’t make the mistake of thinking I-language is simply using
the word “I,” and you-language is simply using the word “you.” The
naming of these communication styles refers, instead, to where you are
placing responsibility for your reaction—with “I” language, you accept
responsibility for your reaction, whereas with “you” language you blame
the other person for your feelings.)

You-language is generally what we are using when we blame or judge a person. It

almost always has a negative outcome, creating defensiveness—which often keeps
your message from being heard. It also damages the relationship climate.

9.2.2: The Three Components of an Effective I-

Statement
9.2.2 Describe the three components of an effective I-
statement
Effective I-statements consist of three basic elements. See Figure 9.2 for a
behavioral description, an emotional description, and a consequence. Let’s
examine each element more closely.

The behavioral description relies on the clear and specific descriptions

we learned as alternatives to abstract language (including relative and
static language). A behavioral description often works well at the
beginning of the I-statement.

In crafting the behavioral description, keep it completely factual—don’t let your

interpretations or opinions sneak in to skew your description. Your goal is to
describe what you’ve noticed clearly and accurately, and in a way that the other
person will agree with.
If, for example, you are tempted to tell a significant other “You’re too
clingy!” the first step in replacing this you-statement with an I-statement
is to describe exactly what the other person is doing that is bothering you.
Using the word “clingy” is relative language, because your idea of clingy
may not match theirs. Also, saying the person is “too” clingy implies a
judgment, and no one likes to be judged—in fact, it’s one of the things
that contribute to a defensive relational climate. Instead, we need to
replace the abstract language with clear and specific language, which we
can generally do by giving a concrete example. For instance, you could
describe a situation that illustrates what you mean by “clingy” without
using that label, such as, “In the past week, you’ve called me several times
a day.” If you say this behavioral description in a sincere, nonaccusatory
tone of voice, then you’re letting the other person know what you’ve
noticed, and by being so factual, you’re describing it in a way with which
they are unlikely to disagree.

This is a key element of an effective I-statement: If

you exaggerate, or use judgmental or abstract
language in your behavioral description, you’re
setting yourself up for disagreement or even for
argument.

We saw a good example of that in the previous section, where Jenna got
into a shouting match with her sister when she accused her of “never
doing her share.”

It is critical, then, to describe the behavior in language with which the

other person will agree, so that the person will “get on the same page”
with you. Then, once the groundwork is laid with a specific, nonjudgmental
behavioral description, you can go on to the second component.

Next, you want to state the emotion you felt when the behavior
occurred—the emotional description of the I-statement. In doing so, be
sure to choose a word that accurately expresses how you felt, such as “I’m
feeling pressured,” or, “I’m starting to feel a little overwhelmed.” Choosing a
word that accurately describes your emotion fosters empathy in the other
person, because it helps the person to know exactly how you felt. Also, be
sure NOT to say, “You made me feel …” or even “It made me feel… .”
Instead, just get comfortable saying, “I felt… .” Why is this so important?
Because it is a key element of taking responsibility for your feelings—
otherwise, you are verbally blaming the other person for them, which will
likely promote defensiveness in the other person, and derail your attempt
to effectively communicate.

The third component of an effective I-statement is to state

the consequence that behavior has or will have on your own thinking or
actions—in other words, why it is an issue for you. In this case, you might
say, “I think our relationship might be moving too fast,” or “That’s why I
haven’t been returning your calls.” This might seem to you to be stating
the obvious, but remember the false consensus bias? Describing the
consequence helps the other person see the logical connection between his
or her behavior and its effect on you. This, in turn, helps the person
understand why you’re bringing this issue up.
By using all three of these elements, then, we’ve now replaced the
judgmental you-statement “You’re too clingy!” with the more responsible
and descriptive: “In the past week, you’ve called me several times a day.
I’m feeling a little overwhelmed, and that’s why I haven’t returned your
calls.” Although the other person still may not be happy to hear it, he or
she is much more likely to understand your feelings, and thus is less
likely to respond defensively. Therefore, you have accomplished the
daunting task of expressing a concern, and you’ve done so in a manner
that is honest, clear, responsible, and sensitive to the other person’s
feelings (see Figure 9.2).
Figure 9.2
Anatomy of an I-Statement

Imagine that your roommate forgot to clean the kitchen as he had agreed to,
and your parents are coming over for dinner. You find yourself about to say,
“How can you be so irresponsible and insensitive?” Instead, how could you use
I-language to more effectively state your concern? Read below to check your
answer.

• Behavioural Description: Yesterday when I told you my parents

were coming to dinner tonight, you offered to clean the kitchen
today so it would look nice.

• Emotional Descriptor: I’m upset and stressed.

• Consequence: Because it’s still dirty and they’ll be here in an hour!

9.2.3: Applying I-Statements

9.2.3 Describe important considerations in formulating
effective I-statements
While these three elements of an effective I-statement are fresh in our
minds, let’s consider a few more examples of how you-statements can be
transformed into I-statements:

You-statement: “You are so unreliable!”

I-statement: “You said you’d have my car detailed by this afternoon, but it
still isn’t done. I’m upset, because I have a potential buyer coming to look at
it in 15 minutes.”
You-statement: “You’re so self-absorbed!”
I-statement: “Jim, when we went to dinner last night, you talked about your
basketball performance for almost an hour. I felt insignificant, and I
wondered if you were interested in what’s happening in my life.”
You-statement: “You always try to solve my problems!”
I-statement: “Yesterday when I told you I was late for work, you told me I
should get up earlier. I felt frustrated, and I wondered if you thought I wasn’t
able to figure simple things out for myself. I’m worried that if this continues, I
won’t feel comfortable being open with you.”
These last two examples illustrate two finer points about effective I-
statements.

Read More
First, in both situations the speaker was making a statement about
an ongoing pattern in the relationship. In one, she’d noticed Jim frequently
monopolizing their conversation with tales of his own life, and in the
other, the speaker had noticed her partner habitually offering advice on
simple issues. For the I-statement, though, the speaker chose to give just
the most recent example, rather than reciting a list of examples, which
would most likely raise defensiveness in the receiver. This illustrates the
first important point: It’s unrealistic to expect one I-statement to be a cure-all
for significant or ongoing relationship concerns. Instead, think of it as a
conversation-starter, or a method to bring up your concern that is most
likely to lead to a productive and nondefensive discussion.

Second, did you notice how the last two examples ended? Both times, the
speaker had a “consequence” that was fairly extreme. In the first case, she
thought her partner didn’t care about the goings-on in her life, and in the
second, the speaker felt she was on the verge of just not talking openly
with her partner anymore. Presenting these consequences as foregone
conclusions, though, would raise defensiveness in the other person.
Imagine if instead the last speaker had said, “I’m just not going to talk to
you anymore!” This leads to the second key point: When we have a serious
consequence that needs to be aired, we can soften it with a phrase such as “I’m
worried that.” or “I’m wondering if.” By doing this, we transmit the gravity
of our concern to our partner, but do so in a manner that feels less
threatening, because it demonstrates that we haven’t yet reached that
conclusion. Thus, the receiver still feels some control over the issue, which
is more likely to lead to a productive discussion.

Essentially, then, what we’re accomplishing with I-language is

communication that is balanced in power, and this balance in power is a
critical factor in maintaining healthy relationships.
What is wrong with this attempt at an I-statement? As you can see, effective I
language is more difficult than it may seem!
Copyright © John Nebraska.

To start building your own I-language skills, complete Activity 9.3.

Activity 9.3:

Practicing I-Language
Instructions: Rewrite each of the following you-statements with more
responsible I-language. For best results, imagine yourself in a specific
situation where you might say this, and then use the situational elements
to provide a behavioral description, a statement of emotion, and the
consequences. You may also work on these statements in groups if your
instructor allows it.

1. I am so tired of hearing you complain about everything.

 2. You rock!
3. I feel like I do way more than you do around here.I
4. You need to get your act together.
5. I’m worried.
6. I don’t think we communicate very well.
7. You make me really happy.
8. I am fed up with my roommates.
9. It seems like we never agree on what we want to do.
10. Why don’t you ever listen to me?
11. I can tell you really respect me—thanks.
12. (Write your own.)
13. (Write your own.)
14. (Write your own.)

9.3: Language Must Be Culturally

Sensitive
Objective: Explain how culture effects
communication rules

Thus far in this chapter, our discussion of communication has relied on

the assumption that both communicators share the same culture—
specifically, mainstream Western culture. In our increasingly diverse
world, this assumption is often false. To truly become effective
communicators, then, we must become fluent in multiple communication
styles. Fortunately, fluency in communication styles is much easier to
develop than fluency in another language! Let’s examine the basic types
of cultural communication styles and consider how we can adapt our
language to fit each type.

Learning to be culturally sensitive in our language goes beyond simply learning the
words of the language. As I was reminded in the chapter opening story, words are
just the beginning! They are a good start, however: Check out different words to
express gratitude around the world in this image.

9.3.1: High- and Low-Context Cultures

9.3.1Distinguish high-context from low-context cultures
in interpersonal and mass communication

Several core dimensions of culture influence a group’s preferred

communication style. Whether a culture is individualistic or
collectivistic, for example, plays an important role. Also relevant to our
discussion of culture is the relativity of time: monochronic cultures,
which are often individualist in nature, value time efficiency most highly,
whereas polychronic cultures, which are often collectivist, value
interpersonal relationships most highly. Combining these two cultural
concepts helps us understand the next important aspect of cultural
communication we will address: high- and low-context cultures.
Context, you may recall, refers to the various elements of the situation,
which can include the relationship between the communicators, their past
history, the location and topic of their discussion, and conversational
goals, just to name a few. High-context communication, then, is
communication that relies more heavily on attention to these contextual
details and less on explicit language to transmit its message. Essentially,
high-context communication is indirect (abstract), rather than direct,
trusting that the listener will be able to interpret the vague language of
the speaker based on an in-depth understanding of the context.
Wait a minute … didn’t we just talk about the importance of being direct?
Yes, we did—but those initial lessons were based on the preferred
language style in Western cultures, since most people who read this text
are enrolled in a college in the Western world. To be effective with the
diverse people we’ll meet in life, however, we also need to learn about
alternate approaches, and high-context communication is an important
one.

How Context Affects Interactional Style

So, back to the indirect language style of the high-context culture. An
interesting example of this comes from sociologist Sumiko Iwao. In her
book The Japanese Woman: Traditional Image and Changing Reality (1993), she
notes the value in Japanese culture placed on intuitive understanding. In
Japan, the ability to understand someone without words is a sign of
intimacy between two people: Thus, speaking openly about deep feelings
dishonors that intimacy. Instead, isshin denshin is prized, a term that
means “traditional mental telepathy” (Matsumoto, 2000). Other high-
context cultures include Arab and, to a lesser degree, Mediterranean
cultures. Figure 9.3 lists the general degree of high- or low-context
communication preferred by some world regions.
Figure 9.3: High- and Low-Context Cultures
The map below indicates the high and low-context cultures. Click the
checkboxes to show or hide details.

High-context, or indirect, communication is the preferred style of

language in most collectivistic cultures, which makes perfect sense given
the high value placed on group harmony in collectivistic society.
Communicating in this “verbal shorthand” reinforces the closeness of the
relationship between the two speakers. Also, indirect communication
allows a speaker to communicate a subtle message, which in some cases
might save a listener from embarrassment. Saving face is a high priority
in collectivist cultures, and that goal is supported by indirect
communication.

Example
High-Context Culture

Imagine, for example, that a friend borrowed some money from you and didn’t
pay it back by the agreed-upon time. You need it repaid in order to register for
your classes, and the deadline is just a few days away. Rather than directly
asking your friend about the money, which might embarrass him, a
communicator in a high-context culture might say something like, “Tuition has
gotten so expensive.” Assuming that the borrower is also a high-context
communicator, we can be fairly sure he would read between the lines and
understand the unspoken meaning of your statement. By communicating
indirectly, you’ve gotten your message across without shaming your friend, and
harmony between you has been preserved.

Low-context communication, on the other hand, is much more direct and

relies on clear, concrete, and explicit language. Communicators in low-
context cultures do not pay the same close attention to contextual detail
that their high-context counterparts do; instead, they depend on a speaker
to “say what you mean, and mean what you say.” Other common
American phrases that typify this approach to communication include
“Don’t beat around the bush” and “Get to the point.” Surprisingly,
perhaps, American culture isn’t the lowest-context culture; Scandinavian,
German, and Israeli cultures have been found to rely on even more direct
communication (Gudykunst & Ting-Toomey, 1988; Würtz, 2005).
Low-context communication is prized in individualist cultures that place
a high value on independence and time efficiency: Once again, this
communication style makes sense in light of these cultural norms. In a
society that pays close attention to time and is focused inward on the self
rather than outward on others, we don’t have the perceptual skills nor the
time to “decode” the contextual meaning of a message. So, when a low-
context communicator needs the money that a friend borrowed, he is
likely to say, “I need the money back that you borrowed so I can pay my
tuition.” This leaves no room for misunderstanding, and because the
individualist’s self-concept doesn’t rely as much on connection to others,
embarrassment isn’t a significant issue.
9.4: Language Must Be
Congruent: The Importance of
Nonverbal Communication
Objective: Describe the importance of nonverbal
communication

Thus far, we have focused our study of language in human relations

exclusively on verbal language, or what is spoken. A large portion of the
messages we send when communicating, though, are transmitted
nonverbally. In fact, research has found that nonverbal communication
accounts for at least 65% of the interpretation of a message, and may even
be as high as 90% (Burgoon and others, 2010). In this section, we explore
some of the most common types of nonverbal communication, as well as
how culture affects the meaning and interpretation of nonverbal cues.

Study this image for a moment, and imagine what is going on. What instant
interpretations do you make, based on the body language and nonverbal signals of
some of the people in the photo? How accurate do you think your interpretations
are?

9.4.1: Types of Nonverbal Communication

9.4.1 Describe the different types of nonverbal
communication

Before we examine the specific types of nonverbal communication,

though, a few notes of caution are necessary.

First, nonverbal signals in communication are

often unintentional, and also unconscious.

In other words, many times we are not aware of the nonverbal cues we
are sending in our communication. Therefore, they have great power
either to reinforce our spoken message, or to undermine it. Increasing our
awareness of the types of nonverbal cues we use, as well as when we tend
to use them, can increase the congruence (similarity) between our spoken
and unspoken language. It can also help us be more accurate interpreters
of others’ communication to us.

The second important note is that one single

nonverbal cue cannot be reliably interpreted to
mean the same thing across situations.

For example, we often hear that crossed arms signal impatience, or a

“closed” mind. This may sometimes be the case, but they can also mean
that the person is tired, or it may just be the way the person likes to stand.
When interpreting nonverbal cues, then, we need to look for patterns of
cues, rather than a single cue, to more accurately decode the unspoken
message.
 Third, we must also recognize that other cultures
may have different interpretations of the same
nonverbal cue.

For example, looking someone in the eye is a positive characteristic in

Western culture, but considered a sign of aggressiveness or disrespect in
many other cultures. Cross-cultural proficiency is a very complicated task,
because there are so many differences in nonverbal cues across cultures.
In fact, there are far too many to include in this book. Instead, we will
present the major types of nonverbal cues for Western culture, then
address some of the more common cultural differences that we are likely
to encounter.

• Touch
• Body Posture and Orientation
• Physical Appearance
• Personal Space
• Paralanguage and Silence
• Eye Contact and Facial Expressiveness
• Gestures
• Physical Environment
Touch
In general, touch is used by a communicator to help build rapport or trust
with the person with whom they are speaking. Research supports its
effectiveness in many situations. For example, servers in restaurants get
higher tips when they lightly touch the patron on the arm or shoulder
(Crusco and Wetzel, 1984). What’s more, if the server makes a suggestion
about a menu item accompanied by a brief touch, the customer is more
likely to order that item (Guéguen and others, 2007). Touch increases
cooperation, too, as demonstrated in numerous studies where research
participants were asked to sign a petition or complete some other small
act.

In one study, for example, people on the street were asked to look after a
large, very excited dog for about 10 minutes while the dog’s owner went
into a pharmacy—and when the request was accompanied by a light
touch on the arm, people were more likely to agree (Guéguen and Fischer-
Lokou, 2003). Another study found that women were more likely to agree
to dance with a man who asked, and also to give him her phone number,
when his request was accompanied by a brief touch on her forearm
(Guéguen, 2007).

In some cases, though, touch is unwanted, and in these situations it

decreases trust and comfort. Consider, for example, when it comes from
someone with whom you are not interested in developing or pursuing a
relationship. Unwanted touch from a higher status person in the
workplace is one form of sexual harassment (Lim and Cortina, 2005).

One fascinating aspect of touch as a nonverbal signal is demonstrated in

Arab and Middle Eastern culture. In much of that region, smell is an
important element of nonverbal communication. Just as the personal
space norms are closer in these regions than they are in the United States,
one of the benefits afforded by closer personal space is the ability to smell
the other person.

To the Arab, to be able to smell a friend is reassuring. Smelling is a way

of being involved with another, and to deny a friend his breath would
be to act ashamed. [Additionally], the Burmese show their affection
during greeting by pressing mouths and noses upon the cheek and
inhaling the breath strongly. The Samoans show affection by
juxtaposing noses and smelling heartily. (Almaney and Alwan, 1982, p.
17)

Body Posture and Orientation

When you were growing up, did anyone ever tell you to “stand up
straight”? In Western culture erect posture signals confidence and
honesty, whereas someone who is slouching may be assumed to lack
confidence or self-esteem. When a person’s posture is rigidly erect,
though, it may convey tension. Generally, then, an upright but relaxed
posture is considered the best way to convey confidence in our culture.
Interestingly, it may also signal status: In communication between two
people of unequal status (for example, a boss and employee), the higher
status person can often be identified by her relaxed posture, whereas the
lower status person can be recognized by his more rigid posture. The next
time you’re in a crowded public place, observe some of the interactions of
others and see if you can spot the higher status person by the nonverbal
cues.

Body orientation refers to the direction your body is facing. This is a less
obvious aspect of nonverbal communication than posture—and since we
are often not aware of it, it can send revealing messages about how we
feel when communicating with someone. When we are facing a person
directly—not just with our head, but with our body—it signals directness
and genuine interest in the conversation and the other person. On the
other hand, if we are trying to end a conversation or get away, we might
continue looking at a person with the head and face, but turn the body
away to signal that we need to leave. Try this for yourself: Go to a place
where you can observe couple interactions, such as a coffee shop or a bar.
Can you tell by examining body orientation which member of the couple
is more interested in the other?
Does one member of this couple appear more interested in the other, based on
their body orientation?

Physical Appearance
Western culture places much importance on physical appearance. For
better or worse, people who are more attractive (according to cultural
standards) are assumed to have a wide variety of positive characteristics:
They are friendlier, easier to get along with, more intelligent, more caring,
and have higher self-esteem. This finding is so widely supported by
research that it has a name. In social psychology it is called the “What Is
Beautiful Is Good” phenomenon. This affects communication in that
better-looking people are assumed to be more honest. They are also more
likely to receive promotions in the workplace, and to get more dates as
singles.

The way we dress and adorn ourselves also influence the messages we
send. People in professional environments, for example, are taken more
seriously when they dress in a manner that conforms to the expectations
of their profession. In the legal world, people attain greater credibility
when they wear business suits or other tailored attire, whereas someone
who dressed that way to go to a football game would look foolish.
Muslim women wear the hijab to symbolize their faith, and the Masai
women of Kenya must wear specific jewelry to indicate their marital
status; to do otherwise risks harsh punishment.

Personal Space
Personal space norms influence our perception of each other: When we
communicate with someone who has a different personal space need than
we do, we generally feel uncomfortable. In addition, status can influence
personal space boundaries, with higher-status people commanding
greater amounts of personal space (Henley, 1977). Higher-status
individuals are also more likely to invade a person’s space. Finally,
gender affects reactions to personal-space invasions, in that men are prone
to responding aggressively when their space is invaded, whereas women
are more likely to accommodate the intrusion (Fisher and Byrne, 1975).

What interpretations do you make about the nature of this couple’s relationship,
based on the amount of personal space between them? Also, you may notice that
the woman appears to be leaning back slightly, too, indicating that he may be
invading her boundary a little.
Paralanguage and Silence
Paralanguage is communication that is verbal, but wordless, such as a
person’s tone of voice, sighs, murmurs of agreement or dismay, volume,
inflections, and rate of speech (fast or slow). With our tone, we can convey
warmth and sincerity, uncertainty, confidence, anger, or a wide range of
other messages. In fact, marriage researcher John Gottman has found that
a negative tone of voice, such as sarcasm or derisiveness, is one of the
most powerful signals of dissatisfaction among married couples.
Examples of the Impact of Paralanguage
• People who speak more rapidly are assumed to be more
knowledgeable, people who speak hesitantly are interpreted as
being less sure of themselves, and people who talk loudly may
seem angry or obnoxious—in Western culture, anyway. In the
Middle-East, talking loudly signals confidence.
• We also use inflections to emphasize what we consider to be
the most important part of a message (“That movie
was awesome!”).
• Gender studies have noted women’s tendency to raise the pitch
of their voice near the end of a sentence—for example, a
student calling her professor on the phone might say,
“Professor McCann, this is your student, Maddi Salazar?” Her
tone indicates a question, but clearly she isn’t asking if her
name is correct! Instead, her raised pitch near the end of the
sentence signals the unspoken words, “Do you know who I
am?” and/or “Do you have time to talk to me?” This is
congruent with the traditional female worldview that values
connection, but it can be misunderstood if one doesn’t know
this is the basis of that paralanguage. Instead, it might be
misconstrued as lack of confidence.
Eye Contact and Facial Expressiveness
Have you ever heard the expression, “If looks could kill!” or “The eyes are
the windows to the soul”? These age-old phrases underscore the
importance of how we use our facial features to transmit unspoken
messages. Would you believe that research has found more than 1,000
different expressions that can be formed from various combinations of
facial movements (Ekman, 1971), ranging from the simple to the complex?
A wrinkled nose, for example, can indicate disgust; a compressed-lips
smile combined with raised eyebrows can signal hope for a long shot. Our
facial expressions can be subtly modified to send messages of anger, love,
invitation, challenge, or scorn. Take a moment now to look around your
environment. Zero in on one person’s facial expression, and ask yourself
what it is signaling.

Gestures
Gestures, which are movements of the hands, arms, or other parts of the
body, fall into several categories, and their meaning often varies widely
by culture. One category, known as emblems, are gestures that have a
direct verbal translation—for example, in the United States, spreading the
first two fingers into a V-shape is widely recognizable as the “peace” sign.
It was originally used to mean “victory,” though, and if you turn your
palm backwards instead of forward, in some countries it is an insult.
Similarly, pointing your first finger toward your temple (the side of your
forehead) means you are smart in the United States, but that you are
stupid in parts of Asia and Europe.

Illustrators are gestures that do not function on their own, but serve
instead to underscore the importance of what a person is saying. Some
cultures tend to use illustrators a great deal, whereas others use them
only minimally. Italian and other southern Mediterranean cultures make
great use of illustrators: They might wave their hands or arms around to
emphasize their point, pound on a table to show anger, or hit themselves
on the head to illustrate their stupidity in a situation. At the other end of
the spectrum, Japanese culture is much more reserved in its use of
illustrators. Both emblems and illustrators are generally used
unconsciously.

Physical Environment
We often think of nonverbal communication as something we do with our
bodies, but it includes the way we structure our physical environment as
well. The way we decorate our homes, the cars we drive, the music we
listen to, and the places we hang out all give important clues about who
we are, and thus influence our communication and relations with others.
University of Texas psychologist Sam Gosling shares results of his
research into this provocative topic in his book Snoop: What Your Stuff Says
About You (2008).

Retail establishments use research in this field to influence their patrons.

One interesting study (Gosling, 2008) found that the speed of the music
played in a restaurant influenced the pace at which diners ate. When no
music was played, diners averaged 3.23 bites of food per minute. That
figure went up to 3.83 bites per minute when slow music was played, and
4.4 bites per minute when fast music was played. Other studies have
confirmed that slower music and softer lighting tend to create more
relaxed moods, whereas faster or louder music and brighter lighting tend
to speed people up. This is useful information in communication; we can
use the physical environment to increase the chances of attaining our
communication goals.

efore going on, complete Activity 9.5: Your Nonverbal Communication to

examine your own uses and interpretations of nonverbal communication.
Activity 9.5:

Your Nonverbal Communication: What Works, and What

Doesn’t
Instructions: The text discusses eight different types of nonverbal
communication, along with examples of each, and ways that they are
typically interpreted in Western culture. For this exercise, examine your
own nonverbal cues, as well as those of others, to increase your awareness
of the impact of this type of language on our relationships.

PART 1

First, apply each of the types of the nonverbal communication to your

own life by giving a real example of how you or someone who was
communicating with you used it, along with its impact on the message.

PART 2

Now, pair up with one of your classmates, and go to a public place (a

public place on campus is fine). As unobtrusively as possible, look around
and (together) identify a group of two or three people who are talking
together. Observe the group for about 5 minutes. Each of you (privately)
form some interpretations about status, relationships, and so on, based on
the nonverbal communication that you observe. Once each of you has
formed your own opinions, share your viewpoints with your partner. In
what ways were your interpretations similar? In what ways were they
different?

1. Describe the group of people you observed (for example, you

might say “We observed a group of three people, sitting at a
 table together with their books open. It looked like they might
be studying together. There were two women and one man.”
2. Record your impressions about who had the most power in
the group, what the relationships were between them, and so
forth, along with the specific nonverbal behaviors you saw that
led you to your impressions.
PART 3

Share your findings with your partner.

1. Did you come to any similar interpretations? If so, describe

one.
2. Did you have any different interpretations? If so, describe one.