You’re going to hear a talk about relationships. You will hear the talk twice.

The
first time, just listen. Then I’ll ask you to tell me generally what the speaker is
talking about. Are you ready?

It’s about tips for a healthy relationship, such as vocalising your emotions and
trusting each other. The speaker says this will help a couple have a successful
relationship.

Now listen to the talk again. This time make some notes as you listen, if you want
to. Then I’ll ask you to tell me what tips the speaker gives for a healthy
relationship. Are you ready? Now tell me what tips the speaker gives for a healthy
relationship. You have one minute to talk.

Suggested points

1. All relationships are different but some advice is useful for all
2. Tip – focus on what you can change, not blaming partner
3. Tip – HALT – don’t argue when hungry, anxious, lonely, tired
4. Tip – cheerleader effect – cheer each other on
5. Tip – have clear boundaries about what you expect
6. Tip – vocalise your emotions before to avoid arguments
7. Tip – identify love language (gifts, touch, words etc) and speak in this
language
8. Tip – trust each other and each other’s intentions
9. Conclusion – no perfect relationship, but these tips can help

script
I’ve worked as a couples counsellor for almost two decades now, and while every
unhappy family is unhappy in its own way, as Tolstoy said, I believe there is some
perennial guidance that often rings true.

The first thing I tell clients (I prefer not to call them patients as they’re not
sick), anyway, the first thing is that they can only change what they can control.
It’s so common to blame a partner, when change can only come from within ourselves.
Focus on internal reflection, not external blame.

A more practical but no less important tip is to HALT – H.A.L.T. This means avoid
getting into an argument if you are H, hungry, A, anxious, L, lonely, or T, tired.
It’s better to wait until your emotional resources are fully stocked up before
continuing the discussion.

The next point is a silly one, but I find it does make a difference. I call it the
cheerleader effect. I tell couples they should be each other’s cheerleaders, and
remember what they love about each other in the difficult moments. Laugh at each
other’s jokes, bring them chicken soup when they’re ill and so on.

Having said that, it should come as no surprise that I think boundaries are
crucial. It may seem perfectly reasonable to one person that they go out late with
friends, while their partner sees this as a betrayal of their intimacy. Clear
expectations are necessary to prevent this.

It’s a bit of a cop-out to say communication is important, so I try to be much more

specific with my clients. I tell them to vocalise their emotions. A good example is
if you’ve had a bad day at work, tell your partner about it, rather than suffering
in silence with your contagious misery prone to explode into an argument.

Another useful thing I encourage clients to do is identify their love language. In

theory, there are five: people who appreciate spending time together, getting
gifts, acts of service, physical touch and words of affection. You should talk to
your partner in their love language.

Last but by no means not least, a couple has to trust each other. It’s the
foundation of a strong relationship. You have to believe that your partner’s
intentions are pure and they want the best from the endeavour, just like you.

There’s no easy recipe for success in love, but following these steps should give a
couple a good chance.