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A Checklist To Improve Writing
A Checklist To Improve Writing
Workbook
WORK-BOOK
antigen. Alternative: The incidence of herpes zoster These results indicate that the factor enhances Exercises
decreased by 17.2% at 5 μg antigen, 27.3% at 12.5 μg wound healing, but further studies are needed.
antigen, and 55.2% at 25 μg antigen. Replace with: These results indicate that the Rewrite the following sentences for maximal simplicity.
factor enhances wound healing. 1. Previous studies have shown that AIDS is
Item 5: Use parallel structure Explanation: Avoid saying that further studies are caused by the HIV virus.
Parallel structure means using similar gramm- needed. Further studies are always needed, if not, 2. The rate of response showed an increase with
atical constructions for different items in a list. science would come to a halt! This is a very weak the dose.
It makes complex sentences easier to understand. way to end a text. If you must say that further 3. The trial subjects exhibited an apparent dose
Parallel structure is discussed in some detail in a studies are needed, be specific, for example, but response to the treatment with responder rates
previous article in Medical Writing by Michelle this needs to be validated in a large randomised of 17%, 40%, and 61% after treatment with
Arduengo.1 Here are some examples: controlled trial. placebo, 100 mcg, and 600 mcg, respectively.
4. It is well known that there are no differences
The time to treatment failure was 12.2 months in the
group treated with drug X, compared to 3.1 months
Item 7: Keep the subject and between the effects of the treatments in terms
Answer key pneumococci or passive protection in mice). eliminated protection of all mice from death.
After choosing the subject, keep the verb Eliminating protection from death, however,
1. Original: Previous studies have shown that close by. simply means that the mice died when the
AIDS is caused by the HIV virus. 6. Original: In a majority of cases it is a com- macrophages were depleted.
Suggested rewrite: HIV causes AIDS. bination of social, psychological, and biolog- 10. Original: At this point, it is important to
Explanation: Previous studies have shown that ical factors that cause major depressive consider whether counselling may be
is a preamble and can be deleted. With HIV, disorder. productive.
virus is redundant because the “V” stands for Suggested rewrite: In most cases, major Suggested rewrite: At this point, counselling
“virus”. Finally, the sentence can be further depressive disorder is caused by a comb- should be considered.
shortened by changing the word order. ination of social, psychological, and biological Explanation: Eliminating It is forces the
2. Original: The rate of response showed an factors. introductory phrase to become should, must,
increase with the dose. Explanation: A majority of can be simplified or something similar. This also make
Suggested rewrite: The response rate to most. After that, the subject needs to be productive redundant.
increased with the dose. clarified. Is it major depressive disorder or a 11. Original: Local reactions were observed
Explanation: Rate of response can be combination of social, psychological, and with a higher intensity and with a longer
simplified to response rate, and an increase is a biological factors? In this case, I think that the duration in subjects treated with bigizimab
nominalisation and can be replaced with the main topic is the former, so it makes sense to compared with morizimab.
verb increased. move it to the beginning of the sentence. Suggested rewrite: Local reactions were
3. Original: The trial subjects exhibited an Finally, eliminating it is simplifies the sentence more intense and lasted longer in subjects
apparent dose response to the treatment with and forces it to be reorganised. treated with bigizimab compared with morizi-
response rates of 17%, 40%, and 61% after 7. Original: A larger proportion of cells treated mab. Alternative: Bigizimab caused more
treatment with placebo, 100 mcg, and 600 with polymixotine underwent apoptosis intense and longer-lasting local reactions than
mcg, respectively. compared to cells treated with placebo. morizimab.
Suggested rewrite: The response rate Suggested rewrite: More cells treated with Explanation: A higher intensity can be
increased with the dose (17% with placebo, polymixotine than with placebo underwent simplified to more intense. After that, parallel
40%, at 100 mcg, and 61% at 600 mcg). apoptosis. Alternative: Polymixotine induced structure is provided by rewriting as were more
Explanation: As in the previous sentence, apoptosis. intense and lasted longer. You can further
exhibited an apparent dose response is a wordy Explanation: A larger proportion can be simplify the sentence by changing the subject
way of simply saying that the response simplified to more. In addition, this sentence to Bigizimab and then keeping the verb caused
increased with the dose. Respectively should needs parallel structure. The sentence can be close.
also be removed. further simplified to the alternative version by 12. Original: The occurrence of influenza
4. Original: It is well known that there are no thinking about its meaning – the placebo epidemics has a well-established link with
differences between the effects of the should not induce apoptosis, so the only thing various climate and meteorological parameters.
treatments in terms of fertilisation rate or inducing apoptosis is polymixotine. Suggested rewrite: Influenza epidemics are
number of embryos transferred. 8. Original: We observed the death of all mice linked to climate and weather.
Suggested rewrite: The effects of the in these treatment groups within 2 days. Explanation: The sentence includes two
treatments on fertilisation rate and number of Suggested rewrite: All mice died within 2 nominalisations. The first, occurrence, can be
embryos transferred do not differ. days. deleted, and the second, link, can be changed
Explanation: Eliminate the preamble it is well Explanation: The death of is a nominalisation to the verb linked. Also, well-established is a
known that and there are. Also, delete in terms and can be replaced by the verb died. Also, We kind of preamble and can be deleted. Finally,
of because it is a wordy way of saying nothing. observed that is unnecessary wordiness; just climate and meteorological parameters can be
Finally, differences is a nominalisation of differ. say what is. Finally, in these treatment groups is simplified to climate and weather.
5. Original: A positive correlation has been probably not necessary.
shown between monoclonal antibody- 9. Original: Macrophage depletion using
dependent complement deposition on pneu- clodronate liposomes resulted in the elimin-
mococci and passive protection in mice. ation of the protection of all mice from death.
Suggested rewrite: Monoclonal antibody- Suggested rewrite: All mice died when the Author information
dependent complement deposition on pneu- macrophages were depleted using clodronate Phillip Leventhal is the Editor-in-Chief of
mococci correlates with passive protection in liposomes. Medical Writing and is a scientific writer for
mice. Explanation: This sentence includes four 4Clinics where he specialises in publication
Explanation: Correlation is a nominalisation nominalisations: depletion, elimination, prot- writing and medical communications. He also
and can be replaced by correlates. Doing this ection, and death. If you change the first two teaches scientific writing for several
makes has been shown unnecessary and forces of these into verbs, you arrive at: Depleting universities in the US and Europe.
a choice of subject (complement deposition on macrophages using clodronate liposomes