MY FAIR LADY

A STAGE ADAPTATION

ADAPTED BY

SOGIE EFE

ACT ONE

1
SCENE ONE

(the write up below will be on the screen)

The stage is set. Light gradually comes on stage while
indistinct voices of people are heard back stage. Though the
light on stage is dim, it focuses on the banner or sign post
hung stage right. The banner is positioned in such a way it
can be moved. Written on the banner;
AMEMUSO COMEDY SHOW. 2018

FEATURING: Basket Mouth,

I go Save,

Funny Bone,

Senator,

Retired Mad Man

The light remains dim as the voices and laughter back stage
grows louder. This goes on for 10sec until an unseen anchor
announces the end of the show

ANCHOR: (Recorded and played aloud)

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Ladies and gentlemen, you have been a most wonderful and
amazing audience. On behalf of the organizers: AMEMUSO
COMEDY SHOW, we want to say a big thank you for making it a
date with us. We couldn’t have done this without you. Thank
you and we look forward to see you next time. Good night and
God bless.

Sound of applause and indistinct chats amongst those

back stage grows loud. Gradually, actors back stage begins
to come on stage in twos and threes. (Two sets of threes’
and two sets of twos’ including Higgins, Pickering, Eliza
selling Banana and the other 2 traders selling Oranges and
drinks)
From different entrances on stage, all looking well dressed
for an evening show. Their dressing reflects those from the
high and middle class. Gradually, the stage light gets
brighter, revealing the stage in its entity.
While some audience exit the Stage, others are seen
forming different groups, chatting. From stage left, a
female hawker (Eliza) is seen walking in on stage, hawking
her goods at the top of her voice, speaking in typical
wafarian pidgin English

ELIZA:
Fresh Banana, buy fresh ripe banana!!! (She walks up to some
group of people chatting) bros, make una buy banana, e
fresh, e sweet and e ripe o... (They ignore her, she
grumbles) na waha o shoo, see as dem dey look the banana
like say no be food… (Walks off to meet some other people
standing in a group) at that point, sound of rain begins to
pour as everyone begins run for shelter, as she makes to run
for shelter, she bumps into Freddie as her tray of bananas
fall to the ground breaking up) shoo!!! Bros easy now…

FREDDIE:

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(In a hasty tone, while trying to shield his head from the
rain) am so sorry, really sorry (He runs off to take
shelter)

ELIZA:

(Sounding hostile and uncultured) See as you don push my

tray for ground and all the banana don spoil. (Realizing
Freddie ignores her, as he runs off) shoo!!! Bros, you go
pay o, I never sell market since morning, na him you come
spoil my market for my hand, you go pay! (She packs the
broken banana and load them back in the tray and runs off to
take shelter. While taking shelter, she tries to sell what
is left of her banana to others taking shelter) since una
dey wait make rain fall finish before una go enter una
motto, abeg make una follow me buy banana. E sweet o… abeg
na, (Sighting Freddie from afar, she calls out to him) Bros,
you go buy dis banana o, na you scatter am reach dis level
o… (Standing not far off from Eliza is a gentle man,
giggling, holding a midget out towards Eliza, as though
recording everything she says.)

At this point Colonel Pickering runs to take shelter beside

Eliza

ELIZA:

Chairman follow me buy banana, dis one sweet o

COLONEL PICKERING:

Thank you, am not interested

ELIZA:

Shoo!!! Chairman, I no talk say na interesting banana, I

just talk say make you follow me buy market, no be say na
anything. (No response from Colonel Pickering) chairman abeg
na, follow me buy market small, I never sell anything since
morning…

4
COLONEL PICKERING:

(Puts his hands in his pocket, brings out his wallet and
hands Eliza two clean #1000 note) here, you can have this.
Just to contribute to what you are selling.

ELIZA:

(Looking surprised and grateful) aha, Chairman, choose the

banana you want

COLONEL PICKERING

I am not interested in your bananas, the money is just for

your trouble

ELIZA

All this one for me? 2k? No be say you wan follow me buy
market? Ha, chairman you too correct, na only you sure pass
for dis place (Pointing at the others taking shelter) see
all of dem, see as dem spoot up with better cloth, common to
follow me buy small market, una no fit. All of una na fake
people. I notice say for dis town na packaging una sabi.
Nothing dey una pocket… na just packaging (Suddenly noticing
the man holding out the midget towards her) shooo!!! Oga,
how far na? na wetin you come dey hold for hand, dey point
me? You no follow me buy market, you lock up, you stand near
me dey point me dat tin. Shooo!!! Dem send you come?

PROF HIGGINS:

Take it easy young lady, I was just going about my business,

what I am holding has nothing to do with you

5
ELIZA:

(Still sounding alarmed) so why you come dey carry the thing
near me if e no concern me na? shoo! (Quickly moves towards
Colonel Pickering) Chairman, abeg help me see trouble o, I
just dey my own, na him dis fake bros dey carry this tin
follow me …

COLONEL PICKERING:

Am not sure he means any harm, it’s nothing you should worry
about okay? Mmm… Mr…

PROF. HIGGINS:
Higgins, Prof. Higgins

COLONEL PICKERING:

Please prof, assure her you mean no harm.

PROF. HIGGINS:
And you are?

COLONEL PICKERING

Colonel Pickering is my name. Please Prof. assure her you

mean no harm

PROF. HIGGINS

Am just fascinated by the way she talks. You know, having

schooled and worked in the UK for several years and then
coming back home to take a teaching job in one of the
universities in Nigeria has been fulfilling. But whenever I
hear this style of English being spoken, in this modern age
and time, is appalling yet, fascinating. And then, to hear
it being spoken with such fluidity by such a naive beauty,
is even more overwhelming.

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COLONEL PICKERING:

(In a relaxed, yet jovial manner) indeed, you can say that
again. Don’t tell me you’ve been recording all she has been
saying

PROF. HIGGINS:

You know, listening to her talk inspired me to put this

midget to use.

COLONEL PICKERING:
You don’t say

At this point, the sound of the rains begins to subside,

enabling others taking shelter to take their leave, while
this is happening both gentlemen continue chatting…

PROF. HIGGINS:

Aah, yes. I feel challenged in some sort of way…

ELIZA:

(While she listens to their conversations, she suddenly

losses interest) all dis one wey dis bros dey blow grammar
don tire me. (She suddenly begins to rearrange her banana,
to leave) I get market to sell. Since na only to package him
sabi, make I go look for who go follow me buy market. Our
people talk say “sit down look, na him be dog name”. This
bros na chaff man

PROF. HIGGINS:

(Amidst laughter)Young lady, what’s your name?

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ELIZA:

Shoo!!! Wish kin bad market come be dis one? I tell you say
na my name I dey sell? Bros buy market if you go buy market,
no dey ask me my name, no be exam I come write.

PROF. HIGGINGS:

You know, for a beautiful young girl, you are quite

expressive. Your demeanor is encapsulating and your tantrum
is abrasive.

COLONEL PERCKING:
(Laughter) Prof, I still don’t how she challenges you?

PROF. HIGGINS:

You see, I could take it upon myself as a task to groom and

refine her persona. And by the time I am done with her, she
can pass for a flight attendant, a P.A to an expatriate, or
better still, head of a department in a foreign
organization. Earning good salary while mingling with top
people in the society. By the time I’m done, you won’t even
recognize her…

ELIZA:

Chairman, abeg no vex o, wetin be all dis grammar wey him

dey blow?

COLONEL PERCKING:

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Young lady, what is your name?

ELIZA:

Shoo!!! Chairman, na wetin na? Why all dis kin jamb

question? I no come to write exam, as you see me so, me and
school, no dey gree, we no dey follow the same road. So make
you just bone all dis ota’ wey you dey ask.

COLONEL PERCKING:
Ota’?

PROF. HIGGINS:
(Burst out laughing) You see what I mean?

COLONEL PERCKING:

Young lady, what do you mean by Ota’? Is that also a slang

or…

PROF. HIGGINS:

It’s a vocabulary of some sort, I think?

ELIZA:

Bros ye! You see why I dey talk say all of una for dis town
na wash? Who for dis place, who no sabi wetin Ota’ mean.
Abegi … (She makes to carry her tray of bananas)

PROF. HIGGINS:
Young lady…

ELIZA:

(Placing the tray of banana on her head)

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Bros my name no be young lady, my name na Eliza…

PROF. HIGGINS:

(Laughing while putting his hands in his breast pocket)

Eliza… Okay Miss Eliza, have this…

ELIZA:
na wetin be dat?

PROF. HIGGINS:
My card…

ELIZA:

Wetin I wan carry your card do? Shoo… You no gree follow me
buy market, na card you come dey give me. who card epp?

PROF. HIGGINS:

Eliza, with this card, I can change your life, I can make
you a bigger person, I can transform you into a public
figure…

ELIZA:

Bros… na magic you dey do? Only dis card fit do all dis
magic…

COLONEL PICKERING:

Prof. How exactly do you want to change her life by giving

Eliza this card?

PROF. HIGGINS:

I would like to groom her on proper moral etiquette. Teach

her to speak proper English. That way, she can relate with

10
people from the high and middle class. And by the time I am
true with her, she will never believe she was once on this
level

ELIZA:

Hmm, if wetin dis bros dey talk na to change me, make I dey
like all dos fake people wey being full here, wey no fit
follow me buy my market, na lie him dey lie. Bros, look me
well, well o, me na confirm waffy babe, we no dey form wetin
we no be o…

COLONEL PICKERING:

(In a patronizing manner) Eliza, calm down. Take it easy.

Prof here means no harm, instead, he wishes you well. If I
were to be in your shoes, I would take the offer…

ELIZA:

Chairman, I dey like person wey dey beg? I dey like person
wey e be say her levels dey shame am? Make una look me well,
I be confirm waffy babe, Area! Area!! Area!!! We no dey
shame of who we be and where we come from.

COLONEL PICKERING:

Eliza listen, what if you decide to take this opportunity?

What if you agree to go through the grooming process the
Prof is suggesting? Let’s say for example, at the end you’re
able to speak proper English, you are able to conduct
yourself in a most posh manner…

ELIZA:

Chairman posh na motto, no be manner. (Laughing as though

feeling enlightened) no dey blow English here, e think say e
fit deceive me. See, for we area, people dey wey dey control
posh, guys dey wey dey control Range Rover…

COLONEL PICKERING:

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Eliza, what I mean by posh manner is; stylish manner or in
an upper class way…

ELIZ

Ehn, na dat one be the posh wey you dey talk of? Ehn, you
for talk quick na

COLONEL PICKERING:

So, suppose you agree to take Profs’ Offer, you go through

the grooming process, improve on your moral etiquette,
spoken English and every other thing, what do you have to
lose?

ELIZA

Ha chairman, dis kin question na big grammar question o. if

you dey ask wetin I wan lose, hmmm, mmm… the thing be say, I
no go too get time to dey sell my market. Even you maself
know say area dry, things hard. C.P.A talks say na change
dem go bring, una see say na chain we dey. So man gas work
to chop, you know dat kin thing…

COLONEL PICKERING:

Okay, (Collects the complimentary card from the Prof. reads

through) Prof. Higgins, of the University of Ibadan. Mmm…
impressive, NO. 27A. Wimpo Street, Maitama. Abuja… But first
and foremost, Prof how do you intend to go about your offer?

PROF. HIGGINS:

If she agrees to it, we can start lessons soon. She’ll have

to avail herself daily, at my place, and I will hold classes
with her for the next 6 months…

ELIZA:
(Alarmed)Shooo!!! 6 months? Bros you and who wan dey do dat
kin waka? You know where I dey stay? Oghene biko! You know
where you wan make I dey come from every day? MASAKA!!!

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See, even if na repeat you say make I repeat, because of dat
kin journey I no do. As I dey hustle to sell my banana every
day, I go continue to dey hustle like dat. How you go want
make I dey travel dat kin journey every day from MASAKA to
MAITAMA?

PROF. HIGGINS:

Hmmm… let me see… In that case, I can make you a better

offer…

ELIZA

Bros I no dey take any offer since na dat kin suffer you wan
make I dey suffer sake of say you wan dey teach me…

COLONEL PICKERING

Common, Eliza, listen. Hear him out first before you jump
into conclusions.

PROF. HIGGINS

Listen Miss Eliza, if you truly live very far from town,
what would you say if I offered you a job at my house, as a
housekeeper? While you are helping with the house chores,
you can be taking lessons at intervals

ELIZA:

Housekeeper, wetin be dat one?

COLONEL PICKERING:

Meaning house help…

ELIZA:

You don see person wey you wan job. You want make I come dey
do house girl job for your house? (At this point, she gets
offended, picks up her tray, set it upon her head) bros no
vex, I no dey look for house girl work…

13
COLONEL PICKERING

Prof. is that the best you can offer? I know that you have
good plans for her. But don’t you think that’s a bit too
intense?

PROF. HIGGINS

Well, you can say it’s intense. Because as it stands, her

situation sounds pretty intense. So that is the best I can
offer. Or do you have a better suggestion?

ELIZA

Chairman, abeg no vex. No be by force. As I dey here so,

anybody wey talk say because I dey talk like dis, e no like
am, make e go hug transformer. As I dey here so, I don dey
sell my market like dis and people wey wan buy go buy. So
make una free me… (Walking off…)

COLONEL PICKERING:

(Runs after Eliza) Eliza, Eliza… wait

ELIZA

Shoo!!! Na wetin na, na wetin, make una free me. na by force

to learn English? Na by force to go school? I say I no want

COLONEL PICKERING

Eliza, listen to me. I understand that it’s not by force to

do any of this. But, the truth is that I personally like
your charisma, I like your personality and I think we can
help you.

ELIZA:

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Chairman dis wan wey you wan carry dis matter put for your
head, no vex. I say I no do, I no need help. No be force to
go school…

COLONEL PICKERING:

Eliza! Listen to me! Stop being stubborn and just listen. I

don’t know why I’m interested in being a part of this. But
here is the thing; how about you take this, (Hands her the
card) go home, think about it, think about what you stand to
gain if you choose to do this, you have nothing to lose.
Assuming you choose to do this and you become a transformed
person…

PROF. HIGGINS:

I can get you a good job, maybe in an office or better

still, as a personal assistant, or you can open a big fruit
shop where you can sell fruits instead of hawking, or better
still as a store manager in a big shopping mall. Just think
Eliza, think. Eliza, I can get you a better job

COLONEL PICKERING:

Eliza, the prof has just made you a better offer, what more
can you ask for. Think about Eliza…

ELIZA

E don do, e don do o… I don hear you. No worry, I go think

am well, well. Make I dey go house, time don dey go (As she
walks away)

COLONEL PICKERING

(Calling out after her) think about it Eliza, a better job,

can make your life a lot easier… (As the Prof begins to walk
off stage) Prof. wait a min, can I have a chat with you?

HIGGINS:

A chat? What could it be?

15
PICKERING:

It’s about… (While talking, they walk off stage…)

Suddenly, a male hawker who has been observing what’s been

going on with Eliza and the two gentlemen runs towards
Eliza…

MALE TRADER:

Eliza, na wetin dey worry you? I see how doz ogas been dey
talk to you say dem wan help your life, na him you dey here
dey do anyhow. You think say e easy for all dis rich people
to see people like us make dem tell us say dem wan help our
life? So as you dey suffer under sun every day to sell
market, you like am?

ELIZA:

Why the oga no talk say him go give me better work, na house
girl work na him he see to give me.

Another lady hawker buys into what the male trader is saying
to Eliza, and she responds from her point of sale

LADY TRADER

My pikin, make you shine your eye well, well o… if I get

pikin like you and she come house come tell me say people
dey wan give her better Job wey better pass dis wan and she
talk say she reject am, I go carry koboko, flog am commot
from house make she go collect dat work.

MALE TRADER

Wait o Eliza, no be you talk say because of your papa wife,

you no dey stay house again, say you dey stay for Munirat
place?

LADY TRADER

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So after all the manage wey you dey manage for Munirat
place, you no like say person wey wan help you wan give you
place to dey stay? My dear, make you shine your eye take dis
house girl work wey dem wan give o. if you no want, me I go
take am because I don tire for dis kin suffer

MALE TRADER

Eliza, house girl work better pass to dey stay under sun,
dey sell. And I hear wen the oga talk say he dey stay for
Maitama…

FEMALE TRADER

Heeyyy!!! Maitama? Eliza, Maitama. Wetin you tell the man?

You tell am say you no want the job?

ELIZA

I tell am say I go like think the matter before I go know if

I go gree do the work. But dis one wey una dey talk like
dis, make I think am first.

BOTH

TAKE AM, TAKE AM ELIZA…

MALE TRADERS STARTS SINGING… DURING THE MUSIC INTERLUDE,

THEY FOLLOW HER AROUND WHILE EATING HER BANANA, TOWARDS THE
END, THEY OFFER HER THE LAST BANANA AS SHE WALKS OFF STAGE,
WHILE THEY FOLLOW HER

SONG… SONG… SONG… SONG… SONG… SONG… SONG…

“Wouldn’t it be lovely?”
TRADER:

See dis Eliza, after dem dash her 2000 naira, and dis whole
banana no reach 1000 naira, she think say we no go follow
chop our own share…

Fade out…

17
 ACT ONE
SCENE TWO

Both men comes back on stage with their conversations

picking up from where they left off

PROF. HIGGINS

Now I am confused Colonel Pickering. Why are you also

suddenly interested in the idea of transforming the young
lady?

COLONEL PICKERING

Hmm… it’s a bit complicated. You won’t understand. But the

more she kept talking, she kept reminding me of someone I
know or someone I have met before…

PROF. HIGGINS

Now, you’re beginning to sound strange. How can you just

meet a random banana seller and suddenly, she strikes you
like someone you’ve seen before… don’t you think it’s a bit
surreal?

18
COLONEL PICKERING

Well, you can say that again but the truth is, I am suddenly
interested in the whole thought. Can I ask for a favor?

PROF. HIGGINS:

Shoot, I’m all ears

COLONEL PICKERING

Can I be a part of this process if she eventually agrees to

take you up on your offer?

PROF. HIGGINS:

Well, that might be a bit dicey. I don’t know you, I only

just met you. How can I trust you? Besides…

COLONEL PICKERING

Haa!!! Didn’t you just meet Eliza? She is a random Banana

seller, what makes you think you can trust her on your first
meeting?

PROF. HIGGINS

Well, she looks harmless to me, she’s just a simple banana

seller who’s all about her daily business.

COLONEL PICKERING

And I look harmful to you right?

PROF. HIGGINS

Look mmm… what did you say your name was again?

19
COLONEL PICKERING:

Colonel Pickering

PROF. HIGGINS:

Pickering, I don’t know you from Adam, we only just met, in

fact, I can’t remember seeing you during the show. And
suddenly you want me to extend my benevolent gesture to you,
a random fellow from a just concluded comedy show? Come on…

COLONEL PICKERING

How am I sure that you don’t have an ulterior motive for

wanting to help that girl? For Gods’ sakes, you just bumped
into a banana seller, who happens to be going about her
daily hustle and suddenly, her way of speaking strikes you!
You are intrigued, you are inspired or what was that word
you used again… mmm… CHALLENGED!!! Yes, CHALLENGED!

PROF. HIGGINS

Yes, anyone can be challenged by whatever inspires them to

be CHALLENGED. I heard her voice, I heard her talk, I saw
her gesticulations, her mannerisms, her body language…

COLONEL PICKERING

Aah!!! I said it! I knew it! I knew you had an ulterior

motive. I know your type. I know who you are…

PROF. HIGGINS

Yes! I am Professor Higgins from the University of Ibadan…

COLONEL PICKERING:

(With disdain) No… you’re a pedophile!

PROF. HIGGINS
20
What?

COLONEL PICKERING

Yes, you heard me, a pedophile that’s who you are. You love
to take advantage of innocent, vulnerable young girls. I
know your kind…

PROF. HIGGINS

I will not allow such accusations to be leveled against me.

I take exception to that. I am a Professor! A Professor of
Linguistics

COLONEL PICKERING

And I am Colonel Pickering. A Psychologist! Look Prof.

Higgins, I understand your outburst. I mean, meeting me for
the first time in the most unconventional way. But suppose
our path were meant to cross? Suppose we have been destined
to meet on this day, this hour, for the common good of this
so called “random banana seller”, someone we don’t know from
Adam, suppose this random lady was meant to bring us
together for a divine purpose…(Pause)

PROF HIGGINS:

Such as?

COLONEL PICKERING:

I don’t know, and I can’t say. But with time, we just might
find out…

PROF. HIGGINS:

Wait a minute, did you say you are a psychologist?

COLONEL PICKERING:

Yes. A social psychologist.

PROF. HIGGINS:

21
(With surprise) you don’t say! A social psychologist?

COLONEL PICKERING:

Yes. A certified social psychologist. I am my own boss, my

specialty is in the study of human behavior…

BOTH:

(Chorus it together) thoughts and feelings

COLONEL PICKERING:

Exactly. You see, social psychology is the study of how the

presence of people can affect one individual’s behavior. The
group of people that can influence a person is often real,
but the imagined or the implied presence of other people can
sometimes alter an individual’s behavior or thoughts.

PROF.HIGGINS:

Now that explains why the sudden interest in Eliza…

COLONEL PICKERING:

Now you’re talking. You see prof. Higgins, I am carrying out

a research on behavioral patterns of individuals from
different parts of Nigeria. I’m compiling my research
findings for a book I am writing. And when Eliza kept
talking, it occurred to me that she could be a perfect
individual of a specie for such a research.

PROF. HIGGINS:

Now you are talking. Unlike the initial reason you gave.
Saying she reminded you of someone you’ve met before… (Both
men burst out laughing) so tell me, how do you intend going
about the research?

COLONEL PICKERING:

Now that’s where you come in. I would like to be a part of

your grooming process in the event she takes up your offer.

22
PROF. HIGGINS:

Well, if she does, that would be fine but if she doesn’t,

that’s where the problem might be. So it means you’ll have
to get someone else to carry out your research on. And when
you do, I would also like to be a part of your research
process.

COLONEL PICKERING:

Oh, really? Why?

PROF. HIGGINS:

You see, I am in Abuja on a sabbatical leave. And by the

time I return to Ibadan, I am expected to give a paper
presentation on a practical example of Linguistics and
behavioral pattern. So, like you said, I believe we are
indeed destined to cross path for a divine purpose.(Both men
shake hands…) so here’s what we’ll do; we’ll exchange
contacts. If Eliza turns up, you’ll be informed and if she
doesn’t…

COLONEL PICKERING:

I will inform you if I have gotten a new candidate for my

research.

PROF.HIGGINS:

Perfect!!! (Both men exchange contacts)

COLONEL PICKERING:

mmm… Prof. Higgins, my apologies for the wrong accusations.

PROF. HIGGINS:

Apologies accepted. (Both men shake hands, continues to chat

as they walk off stage)

23
 LIGHT GOES OUT…

ACT ONE

SCENE THREE

LIGHT COMES ON STAGE…

Mr. Doolittle and two of his friends are seen on stage…

DOOLITTLE:

Make una come quick, waka fast…

MBAPE:

Doolittle, I no understand why we come dis area by dis time,

na just after 5 for morning o… make we dey go house

DOOLITTLE:

Go house, say wetin happen? Abeg forget dat thing jor, as we

dey here so, 10 naira no dey my pocket and I wan drink
STAR!!! Dis morning.

MBAPE:

So who wan come give us beer or money for here na?

All traders on stage except Eliza

DOOLITTLE:

I dey take style wait for my pikin Eliza, na here she dey
come sell. All dis people know her

OKON:

24
You mean say your pikin dey sell bear for dis area?

DOOLITTLE:

Mumu, I tell you say na beer my pikin dey sell?

OKON:

So if your pikin no dey sell beer for dis area, wetin we

come dey do for here?

DOOLITTLE:

I wan see her before she go begin sell her banana

MBAPE:

Why you no just go house make you meet her for house before
she begin come market

DOOLITTLE:

She no dey stay for house again. Dat my wife no go gree make
she dey stay dat house? Dat woman dey really worry her o.
Eliza don tire for her trouble na him make she commot from
house, so the only time the girl dey come house na if she
wan come take something.

MBAPE:

So you no fit talk to your wife make she no dey trouble your
pikin, you like am as e be say she no dey even stay house?

DOOLITTLE:

Woman wey dey worry my life na him you want make I tell her
say make she no dey trouble Eliza?

BOTH:

No be your pikin Eliza be?

DOOLITTLE:

Eliza na my pikin, wetin una want make I do?

OKON:

25
As her papa, na you suppose dey take care of her, dey give
her everything wey she need for dis life…

DOOLITTLE: And who tell you say I never giver her anything?
See, the best gift for dis world wey anybody fit give him
pikin, na life! I don give her life! You think say e easy to
give person life? And because I give her life dat one mean
say I don give her the sun wey dey shine, the moon wey dey
shine for night, the air wey she dey breath you think say na
joke? Na me giver her everything. So the day wey she go open
mouth complain say I never ever give her anything since I
born her, I go commot belt flog craz commot from her head.

MBAPE:

Dis man, the way you dey oppress people to collect dir
things ehn… e dey tire me. So dis one wey you carry us come
here to block Eliza, na wetin you come collect?

DOOLITTLE:

Money. Na money I come collect

OKON:

So the small girl dey hustle and your own as her papa na to
come collect the small money wey she wan sell dis early
morning?

DOOLITTLE:

Shoo!!! How dat one come take concern you? Na your pikin she
be? And who tell you say na small girl she be? Pikin wey don
reach to marry na him you dey call small girl. So you dey
talk say if I collect money from her now, you no go follow
us go drink abi?

OKON:

Haa… no be so. I just dey ask question. Nothing concern me…

From afar, same hawkers comes on stage, they all start

displaying their goods for the days’ sales. As Eliza walks
on stage, the traders begins to hum the same song in Act
one…

26
OKON:

Oya make we go ask some of dis people wey dey sell o, if

Eliza don show…

MBAPE:

Dolittle, you don see your pickin?

DOOLITTLE:

See her, see her… she don come… (Walks towards Eliza in
brisk manner) ELI… ELI… ELIZA my pikin…

ELIZA:

Shoo… pa’le na wetin, wetin you dey do here dis early

morning?

DOOLITTLE:

Haa… person no fit come greet him pikin wey e never see?

ELIZA:

Hmmm… pa’le, I no trust dis your greeting o, shoo… why e be

say na dis kin time you wan come greet me?

DOOLITTLE:

(Whispering) mmm, Eliza my pikin, how far, any show for the
boys?

ELIZA:

Ehn!!! Dis early morning? Pa’le na wetin na? which kin bad
market be dis one? I talk am, I know say you must want
something na him make you come dis side. Ooh oo… na which
kind trouble come be all dis one na? shoo…

27
DOOLITTLE:

No dey shout, no dey shout. Na me and you dey talk. So you

mean say na so you go just free me to go house go meet dat
wicked woman?

ELIZA:

Shoo… no be the meat wey dey hungry you na him you use your
money buy? Na me force you to carry her put for house? Shoo…
abeg, abeg, abeg!!! No dey talk like say na me force you to
carry her put for house. you see say as she begin worry my
life, I kukuma park leave her for house, make e no dey like
say na me dey worry her…

DOOLITTLE:

Oya I don hear, e don do. No vex say I no dey too come see
you…

ELIZA:

No problem sha, I go still find something for you as you na

my pa’le. After all, God bless my hustle yesterday. One
correct chairman arrange me cash, so me ma go arrange you
small cash. E no go pure make e be say, as you gallant so,
nothing just dey your pocket.

DOOLITTLE:

Eli… Eli… Eliza. I know say you no go fall my hand… aah…

dis one for me?

ELIZA:

Pa’le, make you hold your side with dis one…

DOOLITTLE:

Aah, you don try, any papa wey get pikin like you no fit
suffer. I go see you, make I dey go, make I leave you as you
wan start market, my people dey wait for me.

ELIZA:

28
But Pa’le, make you no dey too block me for cash o, e no
pure like dat. Na me suppose come dey block you for cash…

At this point, she goes back to her duty arranging new

bananas for the days’ sale, when female trader walks up to
her…

FEMALE TRADER:

Eliza, how far?

ELIZA:

Good morning ma

FEMALE TRADER:

Morning. How far, you still come here today?

ELIZA:

Shoo, why I no go come market today? Wetin happen?

FEMALE TRADER:

Eliza, no be you talk say person wan give you another work?
Why you come market today?

ELIZA:

Aunty, I still never dey sure if I wan do dat kin work o.

FEMALE TRADER:

Haa… why, wetin happen?

ELIZA:

The thing be say, to do dat work, the man say e wan dey
teach me…

FEMALE TRADER:

29
Ehn, wetin dat one come mean? If he wan dey teach you, make
he dey teach you so far as e be say you dey the house dey
work…

ELIZA:

For 6 months? Person wan dey teach me for 6 months?

FEMALE TRADER:

Ehn, even if he say he go teach you for 6 years, you go take

the job, after 6 years you go tell am say you never sabi
anything wey e dey teach you, so him go still keep you for
the house. Eliza, I dey sure as you dey work, him go dey pay
you small, small money. By the time you gather all the
money, you go fit buy big wheelbarrow to take dey carry your
market. No need to dey carry your tray, if you get big
wheelbarrow, you fit begin dey sell different vegetable and
fruits o, just think am o, make you no let dis opportunity
pass you o…

ELIZA:

(Laughing) me, buy big wheelbarrow? Hmm… if I go do dat

work, wetin dey my mind pass wheelbarrow. Dem talk say I fit
get any kind work wey I want. Work wey go upgrade my level,
no be dis kind suffer head…

FEMALE TRADER:

So wetin you come dey wait for, why you come dey delay?
Eliza, make you go take the work before another person first
you. I don talk my own… (She walks back to displaying her
goods) but wait o, Eliza in case you talk say you go do the
work, you go tell the area o, in case if something happen to
you, we fit know where to come look for you…

(Eliza walks forward towards the audience, looking into

space… and then she thinks out loud)

ELIZA:

Hmm… e no go be bad idea to try…

30
 LIGHTS FADE OUT…

ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

The screen shows the entire setup of the study.

Light comes on stage revealing a well-equipped study of
Prof. Higgins. Seated is Colonel Pickering, while Prof.
Higgins is seen pacing in front of a mini board…

PROF. HIGGINS:

Now all these are theories, from renowned linguists. The

difference between theoretical and applied linguistics is
that; theoretical linguistics, as the name implies, is about
setting up nice and elegant theories and language that are
not based on representative samples of the said language,
rather, on an idealized view of language. An example of
theoretical linguistics is; generative grammar.

COLONEL PICKERING:

31
Hmmm, it appears you have further confused me the more. I
suddenly don’t know the use of the theoretical linguistics
anymore…

PROF. HIGGINS:

Hold on, just a second, I am not done. Now, applied

linguistics is basically about solving real-life problems;
how to translate in a cost efficient way while preserving
quality. How to build dictionaries that actually say
something useful about a given word to different users, how
to assess the readability of a text book, administrative
form, user manual, how to help machine understand what we
want to say or write, etc…

COLONEL PICKERING:

Hmm… Professor, with all you are saying, I am suddenly

feeling sorry for Eliza. You’re using big words. Look, tell
me how you intend to coach and groom your supposed specie,
that is if she takes you up on your offer?

PROF. HIGGINS:

That in its self won’t be a problem. Colonel Pickering, I

teach general linguistics, corpus linguistics and NLP at the
University level. My mode of grooming and coaching will be
brought down to the lowest minimal level depending on the
specie involved. So to answer your question, I will start
from the basics there by teaching her or whoever is
involved, the basic vowel sounds and pronunciations…

At this point, sound of loud unruly knocks on the door is

heard. The knock grows louder and persistent…

PROF. HIGGINS:

Who could that be? Mrs Pears! Mrs Pears!!!

MRS. PEARS:

(From within) Sir!!!

PROF. HIGGINS:

32
Please come and see who’s at the door

MRS. PEARS: yes, young lady

ELIZA:

How far, I wan see bros wey dem dey call professor…

MRS. PEARS:

Good morning young lady

ELIZA:

Weldon, how far, bros dey?

MRS. PEARS:

Which bros do you mean?

ELIZA:

Shooo… Bros wey dem dey call professor na, abi no be here be
him house?

MRS. PEARS:

And you are?

ELIZA:

Shooo… I be woman na, abi you no dey see me well? My

dressing no make sense?

MRS. PEARS:

(Sounding impatient) young lady what is your name?

ELIZA:

(Shoves her to the side and walks into the house) how dat
one take concern you. I tell you say I wan see Bros prof.
you stand for door dey ask me question like say na exam I
come write. Shoo…

MRS. PEARS:

33
Young lady, you’ll learn to be…

ELIZA:

Shooo… bros, so you even dey house na him you no talk? You
hear as I dey ask if you dey, you just lock up like say you
dey hide from person wey you dey owe money. Shooo…

MRS. PEARS:

Am so sorry prof. she forcefully let herself in before I

could…

PROF. HIGGINS:

It’s okay Mrs Pears. It’s okay.

ELIZA:

Shooo… Chairman wetin you dey do here? You ma come to learn

lesson from bros Prof?

PROF. HIGGINS:

Eliza, what are you doing here?

ELIZA:

Shoo… which kin question you dey ask me? no be you give me
card say if I ready to work, make I halla you?

PROF. HIGGINS:

I said call me! That’s why I gave you my card. Call me, and
let me know if you are interested in the offer…

ELIZA:

Aaah na wetin? Why you dey tear head like dis? I no call
you, but I don show, wetin be the difference?

PROF. HIGGINS:

34
Courtesy! Eliza, it’s called courtesy!

COLONEL PICKERING:

It’s okay Prof. take it easy on her…

ELIZA:

Shooo… dis one wey you dey tear head for me like dis, hope
say as I don come for the lesson, you go take am easy with
me? another thing be say, I wan know if you go dey pay me
for the house girl work wey I go dey do here?

MRS. PEARS:

House help, lesson? Sorry Prof. What is she talking about?

PROF. HIGGINS:

Young lady that was not part of my offer. I simply took pity
on you when you complained of living very far away from this
axis. If we’re being practical here, you should be the one
paying for the lesson not the other way round.

ELIZA:

So my own na to come stay for here, dey do house girl work

for free because you say you wan dey teach me?

MRS. PEARS:

With all due respect Prof. I still don’t understand, what’s

going on here?

PROF. HIGGINS:

Mrs. Pears don’t worry, I have this under control…

ELIZA:

Chairman, I no talk say wetin Bros Prof wan do for me no

pure o, but e go good if I go dey dis house for 6 months,
him go dey pay me…

MRS. PEARS:

35
(Alarmed) 6 months?

COLONEL PICKERING:

Everybody calm down, take it easy…

MRS. PEARS:

6 MONTHS?

PROF. HIGGINS:

I am paying you nothing! You can’t come here to begin to

give me terms and conditions, no…

ELIZA:

(Sobbing)

No Chairman, make you think am, if I dey sell my market for

6 months, you believe say I no go don gather plenty money?
Shoo… na him Bros Prof wan make I dey work, no cash for
hand…

MRS. PEARS:

Young lady, stop crying like a baby, no one has touched you.
Sit down…

ELIZA:

(Sobbing grows louder)

You for just leave me for where I dey…

PROF. HIGGINS:

(Firmly)

SIT DOWN!!!

ELIZA:

(In a sober tone)

Anybody wey hear you shout for me like dis go feel say you
be my papa

36
PROF. HIGGINS:

If I decide to teach you, I will be worse than two fathers

to you.

(Hands her a handkerchief)

Here…

ELIZA:

(Still sobbing, she wipes her tears with her sleeves)

Shoo… na wetin be dis?

PROF. HIGGINS:

To wipe your eyes and any other part of your face that feels
moist. (Eliza collects the handkerchief, yet looks confused)
remember that’s your handkerchief and that’s your sleeve.
Don’t confuse one with the other if indeed you want to
become a proper lady…

MRS. PEARS:

Prof. take it easy on her, she doesn’t seem to understand…

(She collects the handkerchief from Eliza and begins to fold
it properly…)

ELIZA:

(Eliza to snatch it back)

Give me back the handkerchief, na me e give, no be you,

shoo…

PROF. HIGGINS:

This is of no use, it’s going to be a waste of time. I won’t

do this.

ELIZA:

37
Ehnn… if you no wan do, no yawa. I no beg you before, na you
talk say you dey look for person wey you wan dey teach, I
jus dey my own na him you waka come so…

COLONEL PICKERING:

Prof. I more interested than I was before. Remember you made

boast of being able to transform her into a proper lady, why
are you suddenly giving up?

PROF. HIGGINS:

The more I look at her, the more I am beginning to realize

that it’s only going to be a waste of my time. I’ll find
something to do or use for my paper presentation when I get
back…

COLONEL PICKERING:

Prof. If you agree to groom Eliza here, I’ll pay for all the
expenses during her stay. I’ll even pay for her monthly
salary so when she’s done, she’ll have some money to her
name after the entire process. But I will make a bet with
you, you can’t groom her from now till 6 months

ELIZA:

(Surprised)

Chairman… me? You go pay for everything? Ha! Na God go bless

you, anybody wey talk say your water no boil, na him own go
leak throway…

PROF. HIGGINS:

Hmmm… you are making a bet? Hmmm… almost irresistible.

(Takes a proper look at her in a weird way) she’s so
deliciously low, annoyingly irritating, so horribly dirty…

ELIZA:

(Vehemently)

38
Bros Prof, no dey abuse me like dat o, shoo… me wey dey wash
hand and face every day? I even wash my leg today before I
begin come here…

PROF. HIGGINS:

I challenge myself. I’ll take it. I’ll make a proper lady

out of this gutter snipe of a girl. We’ll start today, now
in fact. Take her away Mrs. Pears and clean her up properly.
Sand paper her if need be and make sure by the time you’re
done, she’s smelling like a fresh rose, placed beside a dew
moistened leave on a harmattan morning. We still have some
fresh clothe we intend taking to the orphanage?

MRS. PEARS:

Yes Prof.

PROF. HIGGINS:

Good! Get rid of these rags she’s putting on, burn them and
give her some new clothes. And if the new clothes don’t fit,
wrap her up in something appropriate, I would hate to see
her looking half dressed…

MRS. PEARS:

Prof, people have ears, and people don’t like to be talked

down on.

COLONEL PICKERING:

She’s right… You have to stop walking over people however

you like. Besides, we didn’t take permission from her
parents if she can stay here, she may be married for all we
know…

ELIZA:

(Burst out laughing…) NA TODAY… Me marry, na so e easy to

marry? I PRAY… Who wan marry me? Abeg. I no get papa, I no
get mama, I jus dey on my own.

PROF. HIGGINS:

39
Eliza, by the time I am done with you, men, will be lining
up on the streets, begging for your attention and for those
that are daring, they will be asking you for your hand in
marriage…

ELIZA:

Bros Prof. all this ones wey you dey talk, e dey do me like
say na wash you dey wash me…

PROF. HIGGINS:

Mrs. Pears, take her away and clean her up

ELIZA:
(She begins to struggle as Mr. Pears drags her up on her
feet) make nobody touch me, I no wan baff, make una leave
me…
MRS. PEARS:
(Calls out) Maids! Maids!!!
Suddenly, two ladies dressed in maid uniforms comes on
stage, as they try to drag Eliza off stage while she
struggles…

PROF. HIGGINS:
Here Eliza, chocolate! Have you ever tasted chocolates?
ELIZA:
Wetin be dat? Cho.co.late… wetin be dat? No put am for my
mouth. Only God know if you never poison am…
PROF. HIGGINS:

Okay. I’ll have this for myself (He cuts it in two, eats one
half) and this is yours… (Puts the other half into Elizas’
mouth… suddenly she becomes quiet as she leaks, gradually,
they take her off the stage…

40
Sound of people struggling back stage is heard. Elizas’
voice grows louder while things are heard falling over. The
struggle continues as Prof. Suddenly, Eliza runs out in her
undies (a faded looking tank top and leggings) while the
other maids run after her trying to hold on to her. Higgins
and Colonel Pickering are shocked and amazed at what is
going on, on stage… Prof. Higgins goes off stage while
Colonel Pickering is seen pacing about… after a short while,
Prof. Higgins comes into his study looking disturbed…
shortly after, the two maids walk pass the stage carrying
Elizas’ rags, holding their faces in disgusts. They
disappear back stage…

COLONEL PICKERING:

Forgive me Prof. Higgins, but if I am going to be a part of

this, I will be responsible for that young girl. I hope that
no advantage will be taken of her position?

PROF. HIGGINS:

That thing? God forbid! Sacred I assure you.

COLONEL PICKERING:

You know what I mean, so stop beating about the bush. Are
you of good character where women are concerned?

PROF. HIGGINS:

Have you ever met a man of good character where women are
concerned?

COLONEL PICKERING:

Well, frequently…

PROF. HIGGINS:

well, I haven’t. As for me, I realized that the moment a

woman makes friends with me, she becomes jealous, suspicious
41
and a real nuisance. And when I make friends with women, I
become selfish and tyrannical. So here I am, a confirmed old
bachelor and I’d like it to remain so. After all Pickering,
I am an ordinary man who desires nothing more but just an
ordinary chance to do exactly as he likes and precisely what
he wants…

SONG… SONG… SONG… SONG… SONG… SONG… SONG…

“LET A WOMAN IN YOUR LIFE”

LIGHTS OUT…

ACT TWO
SCENE TWO

LIGHT COMES ON STAGE… Doolittle and his friends are seen on

stage all holding empty bottles of beer, acting drunk while
Doolittle empties the remaining content of his bottle in his
mouth… Traders are seen displaying their goods for the days’
sales

OKON:

Doolittle, we don dey wait here since, we still never see

Eliza. You sure say she go come here so?

MBAPE:

42
Maybe she don come go.

DOOLITTLE:

Go where?

MBABPE:

Go another place to sell market na…

DOOLITTLE:

Na lie, I no sure, I sure say she dey around somewhere.

OKON:

But wait o, which day you see her last?

DOOLITTLE:

E don tey small. Since dat day wey we come here to see her
na him I see her last…

OKON:

Since dat day?

MBAPE:

E don reach two weeks na… Doolittle, you no try o,

OKON:

Make you just pray say she go look your face when you ask
her for money

DOOLITTLE:

Una no get faith. See with faith, hope and a little bit of
luck better fit show

SONG… SONG… SONG… SONG… “With a little bit of

Luck”…
43
After the first part of the song, he bumps into one of
Elizas’ friend, the lady trader…

LADY TRADER:

Oga Doolittle, dis one wey you come here today, e be like
say you come look for your pikin Eliza

DOOLITTLE:

How you take know, where she dey, abi she no come market
today?

LADY TRADER:

Ooh, you never hear?

DOOLITTLE:

Hear wetin?

LADY TRADER:

Your pikin don turn big woman o, she no dey dis our level
again

DOOLITTLE:

Big woman? How, where she go?

LADY TRADER:

Make una see o, person wey be here papa no know where him
pikin dey…

Everyone burst out laughing at Doolittle…

LADY TRADER:

Two weeks ago, your pikin wash body, wear better cloth,
carry small hand bag, go enter drop wey go carry her go

44
Maitama. No worry, small time your pikin go get plenty
money. You go begin enjoy her

DOOLITTLE:

Who she go meet and for which area she go for Maitama?

LADY TRADER:

One man wey dem dey call professor invite her say make she
go mmm… she say… she say she dey go NO. 27A Wimmpo Street
for Maitama

DOOLITTLE:

Na so, (To his friends) I no tell una? I talk say with

faith, sun go soon shine on top me. My people e good to
support una pikin o… because when God bless dat pikin, the
pikin go remember to bless him papa…

SONG CONTINUES…

ACT TWO

SCENE THREE

LIGHT COMES ON STAGE…

In Professor Higgins study, Pickering is seated by the

corner, Eliza is seated listening to a recording of how the
vowel sounds are pronounced. She takes turn in trying to
pronounce the vowel sound along with the recorded voice.
While this is ongoing, Prof. Higgins is standing in front of
a white board encouraging Eliza on the various
pronunciations…

RECORDING:

45
A… E… I… O… U…

ELIZA:

(Pronouncing it wrongly) EA… AA… I… OO… UOO…

HIGGINS:

(Getting frustrated,) Eliza, you are pronouncing it wrong.

Just listen and follow the recording…

ELIZA:

EA… AA… I… OO… UOO…

HIGGINS:

Eliza listen… why are you pronouncing it that way?

ELIZA:

Shoo… no be wetin you write for board I dey talk?

HIGGINS:

Eliza, don’t get carried away by what is written on the

board. Follow what you are hearing. For Christ sakes, we’ve
been at this for two weeks and up till now, you don’t want
to take corrections…

At this point Pickering beckons on Higgins to the side,

while Eliza is still calling out the vowel sound

PICKERING:

Don’t you think it’s a good sign that at least she’s

observing what is written on board? It means she can
recognize alphabets…

HIGGINS:

Ooh please Pickering, you don’t understand how this works.

Just go back to your corner and continue taking down notes…

Suddenly there is a loud knock at the front door.

46
HIGGINS:

Mrs. Pears, someone is at the door…

ELIZA:

Sir, I wan to go piss

HIGGINS:

For heaven’s sakes, Eliza correct yourself…

Knock persists…

PICKERING:

Eliza, whenever you feel pressed, just say “I need to use

the ladies”

HIGGINS:

Mrs. Pear…

ELIZA:

Una know wetin I wan talk, make I go before the thing go

commot…

HIGGINS:

Just go… go…

MRS. PEARS:

Sir, you called me

HIGGINS:

Get the door.

MRS. PEARS:

Good morning sir, how may I help you?

DOOLITTLE:

47
I dey look for the man wey dem dey call professor

MRS. PEARS:

And you are?

DOOLITTLE:

My name na Doolitle, Eliza papa

MRS. PEARS:

Okay, just a minuet… (Goes in to study) Prof. There’s a

dirty looking laborer outside here to see you. His says his
name is Doolittle, Eliza’s father

HIGGINS:

Eliza’s father? Ask him in

MRS. PEARS:

You can come in sir

PICKERING:

Good day Mr. Doolittle…

DOOLITTLE:

Good morning oga professor

PICKERING:

That’s the professor, I am Mr. Pickering

DOOLITTLE:

Haa… na two of una dey chase my pikin?

HIGGINS:

Good day to you too Mr. Doolittle. Sorry, when you say
chase, what do you mean by that?

DOOLITTLE:

48
Haa, I mean say na two of una dey like my pikin, wey una
force her come here?

HIGGINS:

Sorry Mr. Doolittle, your daughter came here of her own free
will, we didn’t force her.

DOOLITTLE:

Oga professor, dat one no concern me, wetin carry me come

here na say, since una don carry my pikin put for una house
without my permission, make you just pay me make I dey go

HIGGINS:

Pay you make you dey go? I don’t understand.

DOOLITTLE:

Oga professor, how you no go understand?

HIGGINS:

Is your daughter for sale?

DOOLITTLE:

All this ones wey you just dey talk, na English you dey
speak. Wetin I talk be say; just pay me make I dey go.
Finish!

HIGGINS:

Pay you? Pay you for trying to help your daughter?

DOOLITTLE:

Oga professor, whether na help una wan help my pikin, no

problem. Just pay me make I dey go

COLONEL PICKERING:

Okay Mr. Doolittle, if we are to pay you, what’s the money

for?

DOOLITTLE:

49
Ehn… the money na like bride price…

HIGGINS:

I am not marrying your daughter…

COLONEL PICKERING:

Oga we are not planning on marrying her, we’re just trying

to…

DOOLITTLE:

Make una no worry, just pay me make e ebe like say I don
leave my pikin for una. #15,000 naira don do.

BOTH:

WHAT?

DOOLITTLE:

Oga I no charge una plenty money o. I don suffer train my

pikin finish, the money wey I ask una for no plenty. But if
police enter dis matter, make una know say, no be wetin I
dey talk now, I go dey talk wen police enter dis matter

HIGGINS:

If that’s the case, you can leave with your daughter… (Calls
out) Mrs. Pears

DOOLITTLE:

Oga, take am easy. We no dey fight.

HIGGINS:

Mrs. Pears, bring Eliza here…

DOOLITTLE:

e don late to dey talk dat one. You don see wer person go
buy cloth, he no pay, he dey wear am, but wen the owner of
the cloth tell am to bring money, the person return the
cloth after he don wear am?

50
Colonel Pickering calls Higgins to the side…

HIGGINS:

You said #15,000 naira?

DOOLITTLE:

E no too much

Higgins goes to his table, opens up the drawer, brings out

some money, counts and hands Doolittle some money. As Eliza
steps in, Doolittle makes to leave, he bumps into Eliza…

DOOLITTLE:

No worry oga professor, I no go come here again. I don dash

una my pikin, I dash una with my blessing

ELIZA:

Shoo… pa’le wetin you dey do here?

DOOLITTLE:

Eli… Eli… Eliza, na you be dis? Shoo… I no even know say na

you, see as you pure…

ELIZA:

Pa’le, how you take find dis place?

DOOLITTLE:

Dat one na long story my pikin, I no know say you fit fine
like dis o… oga professor, abi make una go add small money
join?

ELIZA:

Small money? Money for wetin?

PICKERING:

Mr. Doolittle…

51
DOOLITTLE:

Na play I dey play, someone cannot play with you? Abeg, I

don dey go, I don late for town meeting…

ELIZA:

Wetin pa’le come do for here?

COLONEL PICKERING:

Come-on Eliza, it’s okay, go back to your lessons

ELIZA:

Bros forget dat thing. Wetin my Pa’le come for here?

HIGGINS:

Never mind Eliza, go and continue saying your vowels

ELIZA:

Prof, I don tire to dey talk one thing every day. Shoo…
since two weeks now, na so-so EA… AA… I… OO… UOO…

HIGGINS:

Eliza, as far as I am concerned, you’ll continue to recite

the vowel until you pronounce them well. And if you refuse,
no food, no chocolate and no pocket money for you…

PICKERING:

I know how tired you must be my dear, but you are almost
getting it, just give it a little more effort…

HIGGINS:

Why are you patronizing her? Stop petting her. She’ll know
how to pronounce the vowel sound before the end of tomorrow…
repeat after the recording…

ELIZA:

52
At this point, Higgins walks out on her while Colonel goes
after him as though trying to assure Higgins…

SONG… SONG… SONG… ”Just you wait”

LIGHT GOES OUT…

NEW DAY

NEW OUTFITS
There seem to be progress as Eliza is seen reading from a
big text book in the professors library, while the professor
is seated, reading through the same book, correcting Eliza
as she reads on…

ELIZA:

The rain… in… in Spain, stays… mainly… in the plain

HIGGINS:

The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plane. Eliza, listen

to my pronunciations…

53
Two of the maids walks in, one holding a tray of 3 empty
glasses, the other holding a tray of biscuits, upon entry
they observe the lesson process…

ELIZA:

But I say it…

HIGGINS:

But I said it Eliza… I said it.

ELIZA:

Is it not the same thing I say?

HIGGINS:

You keep mixing past tense, present tense with future tense.
It is frustrating Eliza…

One of the maid walks up to him and offers him a glass of

water and some biscuits…

HIGGINS:

Am not hungry…

SONG… SONG… SONG… “Poor professor Higgins”

While the song is going on… Eliza, Professor Higgins and
colonel are carrying on with various activities… eg. Eliza
reading and falling asleep on the stair case, prof comes to
wake her up, at some point both of them are seen walking
side by side while she reads, prof gives her a high five,
which shows progress. By the time the song ends…

HIGGINS:

Listen Eliza, think of who you’ll become once you know how
to read in public, think of the number of jobs you will get
once you know how to speak proper English, think of the kind
of people offering you different types of jobs, the money
you’ll be making and the men who will line up just to seek

54
your attention. Men will be falling over themselves just to
marry you. All you need to do is to learn how to read,
write, speak proper English and comport yourself in a proper
manner. And I swear to you, you’ll stand before men and
kings. Just try Eliza, try…

COLONEL:

Well professor, she’s trying. She will get it. I believe she
will. It’s been a long day, let’s all go bed. Tomorrow is
another day…

ELIZA:

THE- RAIN- IN- SPAIN- STAYS- MAINLY- IN- THE- PLAIN

HIGGINS:

What did you just say?

ELIZA:

THE RAIN IN SPAIN STAYS MAINLY IN THE PLAIN

HIGGINS:

She’s got it!

At this point, prof hugs Eliza and twirls her around. On

landing Eliza acts shy, blushing.

SONG…
“THE RAIN IN SPAIN STAYS MAINLY IN THE PLAIN”

HIGGINS:

You know what? How about we go out tomorrow, to the school

tomorrow?

COLONEL:

What’s happening at the university tomorrow?

55
HIGGINS:

Nothing. I just need Eliza to pose as my assistant tomorrow

in my office. I would like to see her socialize and relate
with some of the Master students…

COLONEL:

That’s not a bad idea. That would be interesting and I’ll

like to see how it turns out…

HIGGINS:

So, tomorrow then?

COLONEL:

Eliza my dear, because you have worked so hard, Prof and I

will be taking you out tomorrow. So, go and have some rest,
tomorrow will be more fun. Time to go to bed.

ELIZA SINGS:”I could have danced all night”

At this point, the maids come to assist her to bed, while
they join her in singing…

LIGHTS OUT…

ACT THREE

SCENE ONE

The scene opens with Higgins and Pickering sitting in a

different office. Pickering all through is taking note while
he’s observing Eliza, Eliza on the other hand is looking
well put together in cooperate casual outfit, a black two
inch block shoes and a wig to complement her looks. She is

56
doing some book keeping work. From time to time, she hands
Higgins some files while he goes through them,

HIGINS:

Eliza, when anybody walks into the office, feel free to chat
with the person, if they engage you in a conversation. But
if you’re not sure of what to say, simply smile. Understood?

ELIZA:

Yes Prof.

HIGGINS:

My goodness, she sounds gentle… mmm… (looking at her in a

lustful manner)

PICKERING:

What’s the problem?

HIGGINS:

Am just amazed seeing what Eliza is gradually turning into,

a full grown woman…

PICKERING:

(Sounding suspicious…) Higgins…

HIGGINS:

No… I am just saying… (Stuttering) I… she… she… has being

handing me the correct files except for a few mistakes here
and there. But so far, she’s doing well…

PICKERING:

Hmm… I hope so

A knock is heard on the door…

57
HIGGINS:

Come in…

FREDDIE:

(Holding some files)Good day Prof.

HIGGINS:

How are you Freddie

FREDDIE:

Fine thank you Prof. Good day sir

PICKERING:

Hello young man

ELIZA:

How do you do Sir?

FREDDIE:

I am doing fine and you? (Begins to admire her)

ELIZA:

Fine thank you…

HIGGINS:

Freddie… Freddie…

FREDDIE:

Yes Prof.

HIGGINS:

Are you her to see me or to see her?

FREDDIE:

Are you referring to me Prof?

58
HIGGINS:

(Sarcastic) No Freddie, I am referring to the students in

the class

FREDDIE:

Sorry sir… I mean; sorry Prof. I … I … I brought the files

Prof. the files…

HIGGINS:

You seemed engrossed looking at Eliza over there, does she

look familiar?

FREDDIE:

No Prof. no, not at all. Prof, is she a Masters student as

well?

HIGGINS;

Why don’t you ask her, she’s standing next to you

FREDDIE:

Ermm… Hello.

ELIZA:

How do you do?

FREDDIE:

I’m fine, what’s your name?

ELIZA:

Eliza, Eliza Doolittle and you are?

FREDDIE:

My name is Freddie. Eliza, are you also a Master student in

this University?

ELIZA:

No, I am not.

59
FREDDIE:

Oh, okay. In that case, you must be a visiting student

ELIZA:

I am a P.A to the professor

FREDDIE:

Oh… I see. Wow. Interesting.

HIGGINS:

Freddie are you through?

FREDDIE:

Ermm… yes Prof, yes.

HIGGINS:

In that case, why don’t you drop the files you have with
you, then go and get your mates to meet me here…

FREDDIE:

Okay Prof.

Immediately he steps out, Pickering and Higgins burst out

laughing…

PICKERING:

Oh my gosh… did you see that? Did you see how lost he was?

HIGGINS:

Lost is an understatement, he was astonished by her looks,

struck by her presence, dumbfounded at the way she carried
herself… oh my goodness. That is it Eliza. Beautifully done,
well executed. You’re gradually building your poise.
Beautiful my dear lady. Just beautiful.

PICKERING:

So what’s next?

60
HIGGINS:

Nothing. She is doing very well. Remember Eliza, anything

you don’t understand, anything, just smile… okay. Smile.
(She begins to smile…)no Eliza, I don’t mean you should
smile now, not now, do you understand. Good. Smile when
people are saying something you don’t understand or when you
don’t know how to respond. Okay. Good!

Knock comes alive on the door…

PICKERING:

Come in…

This time, 6 students walks into the office. 2 ladies and 4

gentlemen all suddenly looking at Eliza

HIGGINS:

Good day ladies and gentlemen

ALL:

Good day Prof. good day sir

PICKERING:

Good day…

HIGGINGS:

You all are looking at her yet, you can’t say hello?

ALL:

Good day

ELIZA:

How do you do?

ALL:

Fine.

61
At this point, Freddie steps forward acting familiar

FREDDIE:

Her name is Eliza Doolittle. She is the Profs’ P.A

ALL:
(Incoherently) it’s nice to meet you Eliza…
Suddenly one student steps forward to introduce himself…

ADE:
My name is Ade.
ELIZA:
How do you do?
CHIDI:
And I am Chidi. Freddie, just told us about a beautiful
damsel in the Profs’ office and I couldn’t wait to meet you.
So, what’s your state of origin? Because of your name it’s
hard to tell…
ELIZA:
How do you do?
CHIDI:
I am fine. What’s your state of origin?
ELIZA: (Smiling and laughing uncontrollably…) How do you do?

HIGGINS:
Okay, that is enough! It’s disrespecting when you come in to
my office and begin to woo my P.A.
CHIDI:
Sorry Prof. I’m sorry…
ELIZA:
How do you all do?

62
HIGGINS:
I called you all here to let you know that the assignments
you have all submitted will serve as your C.A. and to also
remind you that next week Monday, will be the last day for
the submission of topics for your thesis. That will be all.
You can now leave
Freddie quickly walks towards Eliza…
FREDDIE:
(Whispering)Eliza, please can I have your contact? Or can I
give you my contact?
ELIZA:
(Smiling from ear to ear)

HIGGINS:
Freddie!!!
FREDDIE:
Sorry Sir… sorry Prof…
The moment the door is shut…

HIGGINS:
Come-on Eliza, how can you not know what state of origin
mean? (Eliza still smiling) and you are still smiling, what
for?
PICKERING:
Take it easy on the poor girl, I guess she was uncomfortable
with all that crowd in here
HIGGINS:
Crowd, you call that crowd Pickering? Oh, please. It wasn’t
a hard question for Christ’s sake. State of origin!!!
PICKERING:
Take it easy on her Higgins, she doesn’t know it because you
didn’t teach her…

63
ELIZA:
I know state of origin, I know I am warri, but warri no dey
for Nigerian map.
Picks her bag and walks out of the office. Both men stand in
shock.

LIGHT FADES OUT…

ACT THREE

SCENE TWO

A knock on the door opens the scene as light comes on stage,

Mrs. Pears comes on stage to answer the door

MRS. PEARS:

One minuet. Welcome Eliza

She storms in, looking angry as Higgins and Pickering follow

arguing and nagging Eliza…

HIGGINS:

Waste, waste, waste!!! Waste of my time

PICKERING:

64
Come-on Higgins, stop sounding that way, it wasn’t so bad.
At least she didn’t goof speaking pidgin

HIGGINS:

It would have been better if she had spoken pidgin. Much

better!

PICKERING:

But you were the one who told her to smile if she doesn’t
understand any question or if she doesn’t know what to say.
She simply did what you told her.

HIGGINS:

So you’re blaming me, is that it?

PICKERING:

I am not blaming you. All I am saying is that you shouldn’t

be hard on the poor girl, it’s still a learning process for
her. In less than 4months see what she has achieved

HIGGINS:

What was I expecting you to say? Of course you’ll take sides

with her, you’ll support her even when she’s making
mistakes. Go on!

PICKERING:

I don’t take her side Higgins, I don’t. Right from day one,
you’ve been so hard on her, you treat her as though she’s
from the gutters…

HIGGINS:

But she is…

PICKERING:

65
Does that mean you should rub it in? For Christ’s sakes
Higgins, she didn’t bargain for this, I mean this kind of
life. Her mates are out there, doing well for themselves,
some are married, and some are gainfully employed while
others are still slogging it out in various institute of
learning. Yes we picked her from the streets, to groom her,
and she willingly agreed to do something different for
herself, by coming here to learn. She agreed to do something
different for her family, for her future and the best you
can do is find faults in every attempt she makes?

HIGGINS:

Her likes are to be handled with iron fists, not pampering,

or else they will expect being pampered by everyone they
come across. Life isn’t fair, life isn’t a bed of roses, and
life is hard! Very hard!

All this time, Eliza is seated in a corner, looking gloomy

PICKERING:

I can’t keep doing this with you, I’ve had enough for one
day. Since you feel being harsh on her solves the problem,
knock yourself out. I need to step out for some fresh air…

Walks out… Higgins is quiet for a moment while staring at

Eliza…

HIGGINS:

Why are you still sitting there, don’t you think you should
go and change into some proper house clothes? Go and change,
grab something to eat, then assist Mrs. Pears to do some
house chores…

Eliza walks off stage looking all gloomy and unhappy.

Shortly after Higgins phone rings…

HIGGINS:

Hello… I am fine thank you. Please who am I speaking with?

Good day Mrs. Vincent, how are you… work is fine… yes I was
at the university today, needed to meet with my students…
oh, really… That must have been shortly after I left the
office… oh, I’d be much honored… that would be nice… a quick

66
question, can I come with one or two friends? I have some
people visiting from out of town… thank you so much.

Pickering comes in on stage and he’s shocked to see Higgins

in high spirit…

HIGGINS:

How timely of you to show up. Guess who just called me?

PICKERING:

Who?

HIGGINS:

Mrs. Vincent, the Vice Chancellors wife. She called to

invite me to a dinner party to mark her husbands’ 60th
birthday…

PICKERING:

Oh, really? That’s nice.

HIGGINS:

And I asked her if I can come with two friends who are
visiting from out of town and she obliged…

PICKERING:

Wait a minute, who are the two friends you were referring
to?

HIGGINS:

You and Eliza of course

PICKERING:

With all due respect, are you out of your mind? Eliza? I can
understand me, but taking Eliza along is…

HIGGINS:

Don’t worry. I have it under control, the dinner is in a

weeks’ time, I will have more time to work on Eliza…

67
PICKERING:

Weren’t you the one nagging her a while ago? What makes you
think you can groom her on how to comport herself in the
midst of scholars, elites and people who must have travelled
far and wide under a short period?

HIGGINS:

Pickering, I have travelled far and wide, I have dinned with

the prince of Whales, the queen of England, the cream de la
cream, mention any high profiled person you can think of, I
have dinned and wined with them. I know all the ethics of
social gatherings, so don’t loss sleep on this one. I will
groom her, I will get her ready for the dinner party and I
bet you…

PICKERING:

Have you thought about what she’ll wear, how she’s going to
look?

HIGGINS:

Not a problem. Mrs. Pears will be able to sort that out.

Anything else?

PICKERING:

Higgins, I won’t be a party to this. I won’t. I don’t

understand you, one minute you are fuming and the next
you’re all over the place being boastful, and it was your
boastfulness that led to what happened today at your office.
I am not saying I don’t believe in Eliza, all I am saying is
that; she isn’t ready for such exposure. No, not yet!

HIGGINS:

Well you’re a mere spectator and I am the person grooming

Eliza, the transformer. Leave me to it, and I will prove my
competence.

Higgins is carried away in his own world, dancing the ball

room dance, with an imaginary figure, humming one of the
songs…

68
PICKERING:

Higgins, it’s not always about you, it’s not. Eliza needs
time to learn before she gradually shows herself off.

PICKERING:

You know what? Do whatever you want

Realizing he’s not paying attention, he walks off stage…

Higgins continues to dance and hum. He stops, takes a bow

and leaves the stage.

LIGHTS OUT…

ACT THREE

SCENE THREE

Light comes on stage. Higgins and Pickering are looking well

dressed in black suits, white shirt and boa ties. They are
both pacing around while Pickering laments…

PICKERING:

Hmm… I am not comfortable, I am nervous, I have a bad

feeling that things might go wrong tonight. This feels too

69
sudden for me, let alone the poor girl. Higgins, are you
sure she can remember all you’ve thought her?

HIGGINS:

She’ll do just fine, I am sure of that. Have a glass of

wine, am sure it will calm your nerves…

PICKERING:

Stop sounding too confident Higgins, this is a recipe for

disaster.

HIGGINS:

Me being confidence is a recipe for disaster, how?

PICKERING:

You’ve being calm and quiet since we got dressed, you’ve

just being smiling, and anyone would think you are going out
with your lady.

HIGGINS:

Please Pickering stop being too melodramatic, I am nervous

if that’s your fear. But that doesn’t mean I should be
grumpy or I should be brooding. Listen, you weren’t part of
our last phase of moral etiquette lessons, you gave up on
us. But I trust that, Eliza will do fine. Maybe I over
reacted by what happened at my office two weeks ago but I…
Oh my goodness

At this point Eliza walks in looking very stunning in a gray

colored dinner gown and a clutch purse to match. Both men
look in awe of what stands before them. Seeing that they are
speechless, Mrs. Pears breaks the silence…

MRS. PEARS:

I hope you like the outfit we picked out Prof? Prof… Prof!!!
(Clears her throat)

HIGGINS:

70
What? Ermm you said what?

MRS. PEARS:

I asked if you like the outfit we picked out for her.

HIGGINS:

This is exquisite Mrs. Pears, exquisite! Is she ready?

MRS. PEARS:

She’s ready when you are Prof.

HIGGINS:

Then shall we be on our way?

He walks towards her, holds up his hand, walk to the side, a

maid hands him a glass of wine, after a quick glance at
Pickering, he gulps it secretly, turns around and walks up
to Eliza and Pickering who seem engrossed in their own chat,
extends his hands, she holds on to it and they all head out…

LIGHTS OUT

LIGHT COMES ON STAGE

The choir is on stage singing a beautiful song as Higgins

walks in with Eliza by his side, as Pickering follows
behind. From different angles of the hall, other guests
arrives in beautiful outfits. While the choir is singing,
everyone seems to be engrossed looking at Eliza, others are
seen whispering amongst themselves. The choir continues to
sing while the guests exchange pleasantries. As the song
begins to fade out, every member of the choir group
gradually walks off stage as others follow.

PICKERING:

71
I can’t believe this Higgins, I can’t believe Eliza put up
such a wonderful display of composure.

At this point, Eliza is blushing…

HIGGINS:

I told you there is nothing to worry about

PICKERING:

Higgins you did it! I can’t believe we pulled it through.

HIGGINS:

Remember our bet? You said I won’t be able to pull this off

PICKERING:

Well, you did it!!! You won the bet Higgins

Eliza hears this conversation and in shock as she turns her

back to them

SONG… SONG… SONG… “YOU DID IT”

Mrs. Pears and the other maids are seen on stage all eager
to welcome Prof. Higgins, Pickering and Eliza… the moment
they all step in, song comes to an end.

MRS. PEARS:

Welcome Prof, welcome Mr. Pickering, how did it go?

PICKERING:

Absolutely unexpected!

MAIDS:

72
Unexpected?

HIGGINS:

Mind blowing!

PICKERING:

Breathe taking!

HIGGINS:

Show stopping

PICKERING:

Mind boggling

HIGGINS:

Everyone couldn’t get enough of Eliza. She stole the show,

to the point Mrs. Vincent the Vice chancellors wife was
asking questions about Eliza.

MRS PEARS:

What kind of question?

HIGGINS:

Who she was, where she’s from, who are her parents etc…

MRS PEARS:

And what did you tell her?

PICKERING:

He simply said she is the daughter to a friend who happens

to be from out of town

HIGGINS:

And before we knew it, she began to ask if her son could
meet her…

73
SINGING… SINGING… By the maids “CONGRATULATIONS”…

One after the other, they all walk up to Higgins, extending

handshakes while Eliza is sidelined. Eliza looking gloomy.

PICKERING:

Apparently, she was trying to play the go between for her

son. So irritating

HIGGINS:

Pickering, you say that with so much disdain. Anything wrong

if a mother finds a suitable, mannered, well groomed,
beautiful lady for her eligible son?

PICKERING:

Her son is way too old for Eliza…

HIGGINS:

Matured you mean

PICKERING:

Whatever… Look, if he’s so matured and eligible as you

claim, why can’t he do the wooing himself? If you like what
you see, won’t you go for it?

HIGGINS:

He definitely went for it

PICKERING:

But through his mother.

HIGGINS:

Look, it’s been a long day everyone, I need to retire for

the day...

74
MRS. PEARS:

Very true, it’s been a busy day. Good night Higgins

PICKERING:

Good night Higgins. Now you can heave a sigh of relief when
you go to bed

Mrs. Pears and the other maids joins Mr. Pickering as they
leave the stage. Meanwhile, all the time they were talking,
Eliza is sidelined, no one took note of her. Higgins being
the last to step out…

HIGGINS:

Well Eliza, good night. Do put out the light

Eliza steps out of the corner feeling insignificant and sad,

she sits down and burst into tears… shortly after Higgins
steps back in

HIGGINS:

Where on earth are my slippers, I thought I… Eliza, what’s

the problem why are you crying?

ELIZA:

Here, here are your sleepers. (Angrily, she throws them at

him aiming to hit him with the sleepers) have your sleepers
and may you never have any luck wearing them

HIGGINS:

What on earth has gotten into you? Why are you acting so
hostile? Is anything wrong?

ELIZA:

No nothing is wrong. I have won your bet for you haven’t I?

Now I no longer matter, I am no longer important. All the

75
promises you made have suddenly vanished, to you all, I have
become insignificant

HIGGINS:

You won my bet? You? Look at this presumptuous little thing

I picked up from the gutter. Was that why you threw those
sleepers at me? Suddenly you’re going back to your ghetto
style right? You don’t have regards for an elder…

ELIZA:

You should have simply left me where you found me instead of

dragging me into all these, yes I am ghetto, and yes I have
no regards. Why won’t you say that after you had a wonderful
night out? Why won’t you boast considering I didn’t
embarrass you in the midst of your colleagues, why? What
now, what do I do with myself? Now that you have won your
bet, you can throw me back into the gutter where you picked
me from…

HIGGINS:

So you are scared of what might become of you after all? I

thought you didn’t care. I thought you just wanted the
monthly pay, I thought you wanted something different, yet
temporary. Wait a minute, has anybody treated you wrongly
here?

ELIZA:

NO!

HIGGINS:

Don’t you like it here?

ELIZA:

I do

HIGGINS:

76
In that case, I will retain you as my house help and
continue to pay you whatever Pickering has being paying you,
since you are scared of what’s to become of you.

ELIZA:

But that was not what you promised me. You promised to get
me a better job, if possible a shop manager…

HIGGINS:

What certificate do you have to get that kind of Job? Listen

Eliza, I think you are very exhausted from todays’ outing.
Don’t worry, go to bed, we’ll talk more about this. Okay.

Walks towards where Eliza threw his sleepers, picks them up

and walks off stage… Eliza continues to sob. After a short
while, Pickering sneaks in… and begins to talk in a whisper…

PICKERING:

Eliza my dear, stop crying. It’s okay. I overheard all your

conversations and I am very sorry. I know how you feel…

ELIZA:

Just leave me alone. You both planned it, you planned this
whole thing and now I am left to…

PICKERING:

Sshh… stop shouting. Eliza, right from time I have never

liked the way he treated you. You didn’t deserve to be
treated the way he’s being treating you. You are a beautiful
and intelligent young girl. And you have a good heart. You
still have a very bright future ahead of you so, don’t let
all this discourage you from facing the world.

ELIZA:

I was on my own when you people met me and promised to give

me a better future. All for Prof to tell me that I don’t

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have a certificate so the best kind of job I can get is that
of a house help…

PICKERING:

Eliza, no one has the right to tell you what is to become of

your future but yourself! Always remember that. (Long pause)
Eliza, I like you, I liked you from the very first day I saw
you. And I will like to help you from here on. But the only
thing is that you have to trust me. I want you to do
something for us

ELIZA:

I should do something for us?

PICKERINGG:

Yes my dear (Whispers into her ears, Eliza looks shocked)

ELIZA:

Ha, Mr. Pickering! What if… (He holds her mouth from
speaking further, whispers some more into her ears)

PICKERING:

And please, stop calling me Mr. Pickering, just call me

Pickering… okay?

ELIZA:

Okay. So how then do I … (Whispers some more, they both go

quiet as he gives her time to think about what he just said)

PICKERING:

But don’t tell him yourself, I will find a better time to

tell him okay?

ELIZA:

Okay. But are you sure?

PICKERING:

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I should be asking you. Would you want to give it a try?

ELIZA:

(Long pause, she nods)

PICKERING:

Fine then. (He gets up, takes Eliza by the hand as they walk
off stage, light goes out)

LIGHT COMES ON STAGE

NEW DAY

Higgins comes into the study, still in his pyjamas, holding

a cup of coffee, flipping through the papers, calling out…

HIGGGINS:

Eliza! Eliza!! Eliza!!! This little brat is still asleep?

Eliza!!! So much for someone who truly wants a proper job.
Even as a house help (Picks up a note on his table, opens it
up) she hasn’t been able to coordinate herself… (Begins to
read out loud)

Professor,

I am sure by the time you find this note, we should be long gone. With the
permission of Eliza, I have decided to take her to a better place with the aim of offering
her a better life, better than what you had promised to give her. She has come to realize

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that you don’t have need for her and as such, she is better off without you, or your
offer of making her a permanent house help.

Although you did not notice, but during the period of our experiment with Eliza I
gradually developed feelings towards her, you might not have seen what I saw, but I
know she’ has potentials. She’s smart, witty, beautiful and ready to learn. She cooks
very well too… but enough of all this since you were more engrossed with winning our
little bet. Beauty they say; is in the eyes of the beholder.

So long my dear friend, I’ll make better use of this opportunity by helping her to
achieve all you had promised her and who knows, she just might end up being my
missing rib.

Yours truly

Colonel Pickering.

LIGHTS OUT

THE END

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