7/7/2009 How to distinguish between love and …

Self Improvement for daily Life

How to distinguish between love and emotional

dependence
February 29th, 2008 | life | Posted by Nirbhasa Magee -

The word ‘love’ is perhaps one of the most casually used terms in the
English language - so much so that it has become an umbrella term for a
whole variety of very different emotions! There is one thing we all agree
on - that love is what makes the world go round, and that without it, the
world is but a dry empty shell of a place. On the other hand, it is a word
we very easily twist around to our own purposes to justify our emotional
dependence on a person. If we can learn to distinguish love from
emotional dependence and put this distinction into practice, then we
make life more beautiful not only for us, but for everyone we come into
contact with.

1. Learn to love yourself first

Our remedies oft in ourselves do lie, which we ascribe to heaven.

~William Shakespeare

Often when we are emotionally dependent on someone, we are looking

to them as a ‘filler’ to cover over and distract us from unresolved
emotional issues in ourselves. In order to truly love someone, we first have to discover and explore what love is,
and that means starting with the person you spend the most time with - yourself! We can often name our
shortcomings far quicker than our positive qualities, and we are very quick to beat ourselves up for anything we
didn’t do to our satisfaction. This all has to change. Try every day to identify your positive qualities and bring
them more to the fore and increase them, and when you do make a mistake, try and see it as a ‘work-in-
progress’ rather than an absolute failure. When your own self-love and self-respect increases, you are then able
to approach relationships with others with much more equanimity.

2. Use the heart

There is no mistaking love. You feel it in your heart. It is the common fiber of life, the flame of that heats
our soul, energizes our spirit and supplies passion to our lives. It is our connection to God and to each
other.
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- Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

Along with the word ‘love’, the word ‘heart’ is often dragged in to many conversations and used to describe all
manner of behaviour good and bad. When we talk about the heart we mean the space in the middle of the chest
we point to when we say ‘this is me’ - the place we feel the essence of our being more than anywhere else. It is
also where most of our higher and nobler qualities emanate from - empathy, kindness and love.

Emotional attachment, on the other hand is a tangled up array of feelings from the mind and also from the
emotional part of our being located closer to the navel. Because the sources of love and emotional attachment
are located so lose together, they can and are often confused by the undiscerning person. However, setting aside
some time each day for a practice of self-discovery and self-enquiry (e.g. meditation) will very quickly enable
you to distinguish one from the other.

3. Don’t expect

“When your love is pure or spiritual, there is no demand, no expectation. There is only the sweetest
feeling of spontaneous oneness with the human being or beings concerned.”

- Sri Chinmoy

Social anthropologists often describe many human relationships like a contract - we give our love to a person
and at the same time we subconsciously place all kinds of expectations on that person which we want them to
fulfill. And then when the other person fails to sufficiently satisfy our demands (which will definitely happen from
time to time - we’re all imperfect) we feel let down and angry with the person, our insecurity and fear of not
being loved come to the fore, and we often resort to some kind of emotional manipulation to try and get them to
fulfill our demands.

True love, on the other hand is like the sun. The sun shines its rays and gives its warmth to all and sundry,
without anything in return. This may sound like naivety to the calculating mind, but when we live in the heart we
feel exactly like the sun does - we just want spread our love and goodwill anywhere we can. With this kind of
love we have detachment - we have no fixed ideas about what way this love should be taken by others, the
mere act of giving love satisfies our heart immensely.

4. Learn to let go

Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.

- Hermann Hesse

Often we place mental restrictions on people we love, whether it be parents ‘living their dreams’ through their
children, or someone ‘trapped’ in a relationship. True love means loving people for who they are, not trying to
channel them into who you want them to be. The greatest service you can do to one whom you love is allow
them to grow in to their soul’s highest potential - sometimes this will mean actively helping them, but other times
this will mean recognising when you are standing in the way of that happening and getting out of the way!

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5. The inner strength: patience and forgiveness

“Patience serves as a protection against wrong as clothes do against cold. For if you put on more
clothes as the cold increases, it will have no power to hurt you.”

- Leonardo Da Vinci

To develop love, we also have develop forgiveness and patience. To forgive someone, it helps to see beyond
their surface imperfections and appreciate the beauty that lies deep within. Love always goes hand in hand with
this recognition of inner beauty inside a person, and when we can see this inner beauty in a person and
appreciate it, we help bring that beauty to the fore and perhaps prevent whatever unfortunate thing that person
might have done from occurring again.

This world of ours can seem like a downright unfair place at times, but developing this quality of love for
everyone you meet allows you to rise above ‘the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune’ that people might
throw at you and still keep your faith in humanity intact.

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36 comments ↓
#1 Ani on 02.29.08 at 8:15 am

Nice choice of photo, the mother’s love to her baby is the purest love. With other relationships, especially
sexual relationships, it is very hard to not feel attachment or aversion.

#2 John on 02.29.08 at 12:12 pm

I can’t say enough good things about this article. So, I’ll just say thank you. This is a lesson about
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7/7/2009 How to distinguish between love and …
relationships so many people need to learn, myself included.

#3 milad on 03.01.08 at 6:47 am

wow yeah it was great.

#4 sue on 03.01.08 at 9:42 am

I agree, I’ve found every article on this website inspiring and helpful. This is like a breath of fresh air.

#5 Tejvan on 03.01.08 at 10:23 am

Many Thanks to new commentators for leaving kind words and also thanks to Shane for writing it. I like
the selection of quotes too.

#6 Sharani on 03.02.08 at 11:13 am

I came across this article in StumbleUpon and am really impressed with the ideas conveyed here. It’s lots
to ponder summed up in a straightforward way. Ditto with Tejvan on the excellent selection of quotes as
well.

#7 True love :: btwendel.com on 03.10.08 at 5:48 pm

[...] post about How to distinguish between love and emotional dependence is great, I like this part: True
love means loving people for who they are, not trying to channel [...]

#8 Best Yoga, Meditation & Spiritual Growth Articles on 03.14.08 at 8:58 am

[...] presents How to distinguish between love and emotional dependence posted at Sri Chinmoy
Inspiration, saying, "learning to distinguish between real love and [...]

#9 The Difference between False Happiness and Real Happiness — Sri Chinmoy Inspiration on
04.16.08 at 9:54 am

[...] But, if we love unconditionally, we are buffeted from the expectations of the mind. (see: Meaning of
Love) “The mind finds it difficult to be happy, precisely because the mind consciously enjoys the [...]

#10 Maha on 04.18.08 at 1:08 am

Thanks for the article, but i wonder, does love without expectation mean that when we love our partners,
friends, children we should settle for whatever we get from the relationship? If the partner as a result of
such attitude lays the load of keeping up the relationship on the selfless giver, should the giver remain
giving to prove selflessness?

#11 Shane on 04.18.08 at 4:58 am

Hi Maha, this is a very good question. I think selflessness is more an attitude than a set of actions; one

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gives because the very act of giving makes one happy, irrespective of how it is recieved by others. I
certainly don’t think being selfless means being a ‘doormat’ for other people to walk on; it does however
mean being patient and accepting that other people arent perfect, but we still love them anyway.

#12 dayrider on 04.19.08 at 6:18 am

True love is totally unconditional……Which is why our ego’s get in the way of it, in this far too material
world. Most people love any baby, as they cannot yet threaten our “delicate” sensitivities. We can always
improve our acceptance of others and try to attain unconditional love.

#13 dayrider on 04.19.08 at 6:30 am

True love is totally unconditional, but usually our “delicate ego’s get in the way.We can start to attain
unconditional love by a genuine acceptance of
others, whatever their situation in life.

#14 dayrider on 04.19.08 at 6:36 am

True love is totally unconditional. We can always improve our acceptance of others, which is the first
step, in the right direction.

#15 htike on 05.15.08 at 3:34 am

Thanks so much for all the posts that you share with us.aftre reading these, I can feel that I have some
kind of energy to see the world and our environment in better understanding and positive way.

#16 Martha Drobikov on 06.29.08 at 4:39 pm

Love is nature’s Repair process”. Thank’s for the post.

#17 amor on 08.07.08 at 8:14 pm

I was angry at the person I used to love because of the pains he caused me. But after reading the article, I
felt the urge to forgive again and love unconditionally.
I know its difficult but maybe its worth another try.

#18 ravi on 08.10.08 at 10:36 am

its really very inspiring and help to discover ture love…

thanx for such a nice artical…

#19 Jess on 09.03.08 at 2:21 am

It’s true, true love should be patient and forgiving, doing something positive, feel secure all the time even if
the person is not around and not emotionally depended upon. But, let go. And be a silent service of love
and you will be Great with someone that come in contact.

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#20 Ronald C. on 09.24.08 at 10:09 am

I have a wife and two children. We all love each other very much. However, there are times when we
shout and hurl abuse at each other because we got upset over something.

That is quite normal in our family.

We apologize, acknowledge our fault, forgive, and move on.

When you really love someone that’s what you always do.

#21 Martha Drobikov on 10.12.08 at 5:05 pm

Hi! You are so right about some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes IT IS LETTING
GO.
I have a BEAUTIFUL FAMILY,wich I Love and want to spend the rest of my life with, and They are
my WHOLE LIFE. Now, THAT IS REAL LOVE. Yes! I Love My Family! The Drobikov’s. Thank’s
so much! Thank God!

#22 Daniel on 10.21.08 at 2:18 pm

All of this sounds really neat. There is something I do not get though. If I am able to make myself happy,
why would I want to get involved with someone else? Speaking for myself, I am seeking a companion to
be happier than I am and I would think that most people do the same. But doesn’t that mean that I am
emotionally dependent on that companion to some extent?

#23 Lamar Cole on 10.22.08 at 7:40 pm

Love is a path to the heart that knows its own way.

#24 jayney on 10.24.08 at 12:19 pm

I was once told that the ancient Greeks had 6 different words for ‘love’ recognising the different,
appropriate relationships we have with other human beings. I find it easier to ‘love’ some people than
others, and I wonder why this is - is it perhaps a throwback to our instincts when we do find some people
more ‘attractive’ (not necessarily physically) than others, or is it because of the reaction we get from
them?
I was thinking its a shame that people change, but that is such a selfish thought, when they are moving
along in their life and having new experiences - and I’m thinking that the mindfulness is in accepting them
as they become, or accepting the moving on, and in turn we have to also move on.

#25 sanzi on 11.22.08 at 10:06 am

thanx for the article, it’s on the mark!

#26 R Sharma on 12.08.08 at 1:42 am

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really love means giving but no expectations

#27 manatita on 12.13.08 at 6:25 am

Hi Maha,

Just a small input based on my own perception. Seen from the standpoint of anything else but the Divine,
Love will always fail. In your relationship with your partner, all that matters is duty with detachment. Do
you best. “To work you are entitled, but not to the fruits thereof”. - Sri Krishna in the Gita. Actions of
themselves have no power. What matters in action is sincerity of purpose; purity of intent….a live vibrant
awareness of the power of Divine Providence, what some call “God”.

Like me, You may find this practice difficult. Go inwards. It is the Inner Light (Grace), which in time will
show you a way to alleviate and finally rise above the experience. Seasons Greetings.

-Manatita

#28 Loving Difficult People — Sri Chinmoy Inspiration on 12.15.08 at 8:52 am

[...] How To Distinguish Between Love and emotional dependence - The word ‘love’ is perhaps one of
the most casually used terms in the English language - so much so that it has become an umbrella term for
a whole variety of very different emotions!…. [...]

#29 Is Desire Good or Bad? — Sri Chinmoy Inspiration on 12.22.08 at 8:46 am

[...] this kind of emotional attachment is in anyway necessary. Rather than desiring a certain outcome, real
love will not have expectations. When we develop this attitude of selflessness - free of desire and [...]

#30 Ebonie on 01.01.09 at 3:00 pm

I’ve come to realize that genuine, thorough, change comes from the inside out, not by “fixing” the other
person. This article definitely highlights that principle and I’m so glad I managed to come across it. This is
a must-share to all of my loved ones. Thank you!

#31 Jon B on 01.23.09 at 9:28 pm

Wow this post really struck a nerve….thank you!

#32 anne on 03.15.09 at 1:16 am

Thumbs up, to this article!

#33 Diana on 03.25.09 at 3:43 am

U are right,people need to love and appreciate themselves first,and gain confidence.And realise their
connection with God.

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#34 shiva on 05.22.09 at 5:00 am

True love is always unconditional.

when ever we are expecting any thing in return then that love is tainted with desire and is not pure and is a
kind of emotional need

#35 tensing on 05.23.09 at 8:33 am

i have experience emotional dependence on myself since i got married and my wife still depend a lot on
me emotionally. Most of the time it is not a pleasent experience.

#36 Sim on 06.01.09 at 1:08 am

mesmerizing article !!….

love is d mozt purest form of energy to feel great about life and people around u…an have a perfect
emotional balance in…

if u love sumone, u care about someone, u respect sumone, u feel sad wen dat sumone is sad, u feel
happy wen dat sumone is happy, for no reason to cry wen dat sumone is crying and no reason to smile
wen dat sumone is smiling……THEN….u r in love and emotionally attached to dat sumone……

and wen u r emotionally attached, u dont expect anything,u dont find any faults, u find dat person totally
perfect in everything and dis is wat make u feel complete by giving giving n ust giving…..

that means…..u dont have emotional dependence in spite of being emotionally attached….as u knw d
person u love…wtever u do or whrever u go…will ALWAYS LOVE U……u dont need to be
dependent on ur loved one by d feeling dat he/she is always wid u emotionally and morally….

love can make u feel divine..can relax every pore of ur mind heart and soul…..it can make u a good
person….it is d only way to show how much u care and respect odrz….LOVE IS made by GOD to
show everyone how much he loves them by granting dem a permission to b in dis beautiful world and
enjoy it to the fullest…..GIVE LOVE …SPREAD LOVE…GET LOVE…..widout anyyyy expectation
and feel d difference in inner YOU !!

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