NAIL-BITER

As he roses slowly, everyone looks at him. But he just looks at his hands – skinned, covered with
silver colored blood . He must admit that it hurts. A lot. But there is no glimpse of pain on his
beautiful face. He has been always flawless at hiding his true feelings, thanks to his mother. Because
he has been trained to do so.

He hears Cal’s voice behind him. “Are you okay, Mavey?”

Don’t call me that, he thinks. He has always hated this nickname. It sounds really childish and
condescending. Cal has always liked patronizing him under the name of being a guiding, supportive
big brother for him, anyway.

“Yeah.” Maven replies with such low, almost inaudible voice.

Now, while everyone looks at him, he hates the training sessions even more. Especially while he
senses the underestimating glances of Evangeline Samos upon himself. She wouldn’t dare to say
anything mocking about the second prince of Norta in front of everyone but Maven still senses the
insult as her eyes slightly roll.

But Cal’s eyes is filled with worry. “You should see the Healer.”

And you should stop pretending that you truly care about me, Maven thinks and almost says it
out loud but stops himself in the last second. Cal is as much of a liar as he is.

“There is no need to do that. I should just…go.”

“Should I come with you?” Cal asks, scowling with worry.

“No. I’m fine, really.”

But he is not. Especially since he came back from the warfront. Since he lost Thomas. The love
of his life. It is such a pain that even Elara cannot erase. Moreover, she has made it worse. There is no
moment that Maven spends without thinking how was he to live with that twisted sorrow.

“Alright.”

Maven barely stops himself from running while he leaves the training area and enters the hall.
His blue eyes are already filled with tears. Not because his skinned hands or bruised knees hurt, but
because it was his heart which hurts. With the pain of Thomas’ absence and the feeling of
humiliation. If he was here, it would be completely different. He wouldn’t let anyone look at him
mockingly like Evangeline and Elane did.

Right after he arrives his room, he goes to the bathroom and starts to fill the white bathtub with
cold water. It will get hotter, anyway. Because the flames inside him are about to ignite any moment
now. I will not burst into flames, he thinks. Never again. And he gets into the bathtub.

When he leaves the bathroom, he is finally clean. Not from the red blood that will forever stain
his hands but his own silver blood. He does not get dressed. Because the action needs lots of energy
that Maven does not have at the moment. Still inside of his midnight blue bathrobe, he sits on his bed.
“Maven?”

After hearing his mother’s voice, a vivid panic feeling bursts into him. Because he is still
crying. He has not been able to stop himself since he lost him. And he doesn’t want his mother to see
it. Not again.

“I’m getting dressed!” he shouts.

“Cal said you fell during the training.”

His mother’s voice is filled with disappointment. And it doesn’t surprise Maven. His mother
loves him and Maven knows it very well but this love just doesn’t stop him from disappointing her
again and again. He doesn’t know why he keeps doing it. But there is one thing he knows: He is not
enough. He will never be.

“I did.” he says. “But I’m fine now. I will see you at lunch.” And he adds. “Please?”

He hears Elara sigh on the other side of the door. “Alright.”

She leaves but the relief never comes. Maven puts his pale finger into his mouth and bites the
nail of his thumb. It is not his first time doing that. He has been doing it for two months, since he came
back from the warfront.

Even though he is only fifteen, he always feels the crippling anxiety all over him. The way his
father humiliate him all the time and Cal underestimate him. But mostly, his mother’s whispers…
What is left from the person that he has always been now? The person he was when he was with
Thomas. He would hate the person Maven has became in two months, there is no doubt to that. As
much as Maven hates himself now.

“Why won’t you leave me alone?” he whispers, almost begging. “You couldn’t take the pain away,
you even made it worse. So why won’t you leave me alone?”

As tears begin to run down his smooth cheeks, Maven stands up and walks towards the mirror
that is across his bed. All he sees is a mess, a mess that Thomas once wanted. But he is a beautiful
kind of mess. With those silver flecks in his icy blue eyes and his raven hair that falls into place like
dominos, he looks like he is straight out of a daydream. Not to mention his smooth, pale skin and the
sharp features of his lovely face.

“I miss you.” he whispers again. “I’m sorry.”

He truly is. He has never wanted things to go this way. All that he wanted was to be with the
Red boy he is still in love with.

“Mavey?”

Hearing Cal’s voice after he knocks on the door, he swiftly wipes his tears.

“Yes?” he replies.

“Are you okay?”

“Definitely. I’m getting dressed.”

“Oh, okay. I’ll leave you alone.”

“You had better.” he says with such low voice.

“Did you say something?” Cal asks from the other side of the door.

“I said see you at lunch.”

“Okay! See you too.”

This time, Maven Calore bites the nail of this index finger. Immediately, he hears his mother’s
voice in his head.

Nail-biter.