Are We There Yet?

The More
or Less True Story of the Lewis
and Clark Expedition
by Burton Bumgarner
A One Act Comedy
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 ARE WE THERE YET? THE MORE OR LESS TRUE STORY OF
THE LEWIS AND CLARK EXPEDITION
By Burton Bumgarner

Copyright © 2014 by Burton Bumgarner, All rights reserved.

ISBN: 978-1-60003-745-0

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 ARE WE THERE YET? THE MORE OR LESS TRUE STORY OF THE
LEWIS AND CLARK EXPEDITION
ARE WE THERE YET?
THE MORE OR LESS TRUE STORY OF THE LEWIS
AND CLARK EXPEDITION
A One Act Comedy of Historic Proportions
By Burton Bumgarner

SYNOPSIS: Following the American Revolution the country’s western

border ended at the Missouri River. In 1803 President Jefferson charged his
personal secretary, Meriwether Lewis, with gathering an expedition party
and traveling inland across the unexplored wilderness of North America.
Lewis and Clark took a perilous two and a half year journey of discovery

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from St. Louis to the Pacific Northwest. This is the story of the Lewis and
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Clark Expedition as it might be told by Monty Python.

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CAST OF CHARACTERS
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(7-10 female, 6-8 male, 4-6 either, 1 extra;

an doubling possible, gender flexible)
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DR. DULL (m/f) ............................. A very boring teacher (29 lines)

DR. KEAN (m/f) ............................. A very interesting teacher (22 lines)
THOMAS JEFFERSON (m)........... Third President of the United States
(34 lines)
MERIWETHER LEWIS (m) .......... Explorer, uptight and not interested in
exploring (96 lines)
CONGRESSMAN 1 (m) ................. Congressman, pushy and shallow
(7 lines)
CONGRESSMAN 2 (f) .................. Congressman, pushy and shallow
(5 lines)
MESSENGER (m/f) ........................ Delivers packages and letters, frustrated
(13 lines)
WENDY CLARK (f) ...................... Explorer, gung-ho and a go-getter
(44 lines)
YORK (f) ........................................ Clark’s servant, tired of being treated
poorly (15 lines)
ALBERTA GALLATIN (f) ............ Map girl, kind of goofy (7 lines)
SALESMAN (m/f) .......................... Sells boats and horses, pushy car
salesman type (10 lines)

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 BY BURTON BUMGARNER

DOG (m/f) ....................................... A Newfoundland dog, goofy (10 lines)

REUBEN FIELD (f) ....................... Explorer, Girl Scout type (14 lines)
JOEY FIELD (f) ............................. Explorer, lumberjack type (10 lines)
GEORGE DROUILLARD (m) ....... Explorer, pirate type (11 lines)
PIERRE CRUZATTE (m) .............. Explorer, urban type (15 lines)
FRANÇOIS LABICHE (m) ............ Explorer, skier/snowboarder type
(13 lines)
FLOYD (m/f) .................................. Explorer, pioneer type (3 line)
CHARBONNEAU (f) ..................... Explorer, French artist type (7 lines)
NATIVE 1 (m) ................................ Hippie type (2 lines)
NATIVE 2 (f) .................................. Hippie type (1 line)
LAKOTA 1 (m) .............................. Pioneer type (1 line)

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LAKOTA 2 (f) ................................ Pioneer type (2 lines)
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LAKOTA 3 (f) ................................ Pioneer type (1 line)
SIGN CHANGER (m/f) .................. Medieval monk type (Non-Speaking)

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*The roles of the CONGRESSMEN, GALLATIN, FLOYD the SALESMAN,

the NATIVES and the LAKOTAS may be doubled. The role of
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CHARBONNEAU may be doubled with one of the CONGRESSMEN or the
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SALESMAN.

DURATION: 40 minutes

SCENES

SCENE 1: Prologue - Dull, Kean, Jefferson

SCENE 2: 1803 – Part 1 - Jefferson, Lewis, 2 Congressmen
SCENE 3: 1803 – Part 2 - Lewis, Kean, Dull, Messenger, Clark
SCENE 4: Map Girl, Salesman, Dog - Gallatin, Lewis, Salesman, Dog
SCENE 5: St. Louis Missouri - Dull, Kean, Clark, York, Reuben, Joe,
George, Pierre, François, Dog
SCENE 6: 1804 – Part 1 - Explorers, Dog, Lewis, Clark, 2 Natives, 2
Lakotas
SCENE 7: 1804 – Part 2 - Explorers, Lewis, Clark, Dog, Charbonneau
SCENE 8: 1805 - Dull, Kean, Explorers, Dog, Messenger, Jefferson,
Salesman
SCENE 9: 1806 Home - Kean, Dull, Lewis, Clark, Charbonneau, Explorers,
Dog

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 ARE WE THERE YET? THE MORE OR LESS TRUE STORY OF THE
LEWIS AND CLARK EXPEDITION
PRODUCTION NOTES

Are We There Yet? may be performed on a bare stage with furniture and
props. Costumes may be as elaborate, over the top or as simple as the
director desires. Many of the roles can be male or female.

Furniture and props that are moved around on stage may be moved by Stage
Crew, usually dressed in black, or by the actors themselves.

An easel with the names of scenes is DSR. At the beginning of each scene a
Sign Changer enters and places a large poster with the name of each scene
on the easel. The Sign Changer can slowly lumber cross the stage and act

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thoroughly bored with the job. The lettering for the signs must be clearly
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readable for all in the theater.

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The script accurately portrays the events of the journey to the Pacific. Lewis
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and Clark are studied in U.S. history classes beginning at the elementary
level. This script would be appropriate for elementary age on up.
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COSTUME SUGGESTIONS

DR. DULL – robe, mortarboard, horn rimmed glasses

JEFFERSON – three cornered hat, powdered wig, white shirt
DR. KEAN – casual – jeans, t-shirt
LEWIS (as Jefferson’s secretary) – three cornered hat, powdered wig, white
shirt
LEWIS (as Explorer) – raccoon hat, vest, other pioneer accessories
CONGRESSMEN – business attire – shirts & ties / skirts and blouses
CLARK – traditional coat, 3 cornered hat / Hawaiian shirt, jams, sunglasses
SALESMAN – tacky sports jacket
DOG – dog ears on headband, tan pants and shirt, dog makeup on face
REUBEN – boy / girl scout
JOEY – lumberjack – plaid shirt, overalls, boots
GEORGE – pirate shirt, eye patch
PIERRE – hoodie
FRANÇOIS – ski jacket, goggles
FLOYD – raccoon hat, vest, pioneer accessories
CHARBONNEAU – white shirt, beret, penciled moustache, anything French

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 BY BURTON BUMGARNER

NATIVES – hippie attire, beads, headbands, tie-dyed shirts

LAKOTAS – buckskin attire, headbands
SIGN CHANGER – medieval rob

PROPERTIES

 Easel with posters for scene changes

 Small table
 Glass of water
 Small desk with writing quill and paper, and chair
 School desk
 Podium

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Report card
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 Road maps and guide book
 Luggage

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 Fruit drinks
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 Kazoos for cast

 Police whistle

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Compass (or something small to resemble a compass)
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 Magnet (something small to resemble a magnet)

 Legal pad and quill
 Sketch pad and quill
 Binoculars
 Small cardboard box for prairie dog
 Coin for flipping
 Cupcake
 Umbrellas, rain ponchos

5
 ARE WE THERE YET? THE MORE OR LESS TRUE STORY OF THE
LEWIS AND CLARK EXPEDITION
SCENE 1
Prologue

AT RISE: A podium and small table with a water glass are DSC; a
small desk with a quill pen and a school desk are DSL. A school
desk is UPS. A sign with “Scene 1: Prologue” is already on the
easel. DR. DULL enters, crosses to the podium, removes notes from
a briefcase, clears throat, takes a drink of water, gargles, looks
around for a place to spit, shrugs shoulders, swallows, then speaks in
a dull monotone.

DULL: Today’s topic for history class is the Lewis and Clark

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Expedition. You should listen carefully to my lecture and take a lot
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of notes. There will be a test.

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Offstage ACTORS moan. DULL clears throat, starts to take a drink of
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water, thinks better of it, then begins.

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Thomas Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence in 1776.
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JEFFERSON enters and crosses center.

JEFFERSON: “When in the course of human events it becomes

necessary for …”
DULL: (To JEFFERSON.) This isn’t about the American Revolution.
It’s the Lewis and Clark Expedition.
JEFFERSON: Oh. I knew that.
DULL: (To AUDIENCE.) Jefferson, the third President of the United
States, took office on March 4, 1801.

JEFFERSON holds up his right hand as if taking the oath.

JEFFERSON: “I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the

office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my
ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United
States.”
DULL: (To JEFFERSON.) You may leave now.
JEFFERSON: But I haven’t given my inaugural address yet.

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 BY BURTON BUMGARNER

DULL: It’s not part of this lesson.

JEFFERSON: Please let me deliver it. It’s a great speech.
DULL: LATER!

JEFFERSON shrugs shoulders and exits.

The population of the country was five million, three hundred and
eight thousand, four hundred and eighty-three people. The
nation’s boundaries extended from the Atlantic in the east to the
Mississippi River in the west, from the Great Lakes in the north to
the Gulf of Mexico in the south. Roughly one thousand miles by
one thousand miles. Isn’t that amazing?

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DR. KEAN enters and crosses center.

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KEAN: (To AUDIENCE.) This can NOT continue!
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DULL: Excuse me?

KEAN: You’re boring! I’ll take it from here.
DULL:
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What am I supposed to do?
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KEAN: Go cure insomnia.

Shoves DULL offstage. The podium is moved upstage, the desk and
chair are moved DSL.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls … cats and
dogs … the more or less real story of the Lewis and Clark
Expedition. President Jefferson and his personal secretary,
Mr. Meriwether … that’s right, his name was Meriwether …
Lewis.

KEAN exits. SIGN CHANGER enters and changes sign to “Scene 2:

1803 – Part 1”.

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 ARE WE THERE YET? THE MORE OR LESS TRUE STORY OF THE
LEWIS AND CLARK EXPEDITION
SCENE 2
1803 - Part 1

JEFFERSON and LEWIS enter. JEFFERSON sits at the desk and

writes with the quill. LEWIS stands close by.

JEFFERSON: Come in, Mr. Lewis. Have a seat.

LEWIS looks around. There’s no place to sit.

LEWIS: I’ll … uh … just stand if you don’t mind, sir.

JEFFERSON: You know, I’d like to get some more land for this

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country. You can’t have enough land. What do you think, Meri?
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LEWIS: I don’t know, sir. The more yard you got, the more yard you
got to mow. Know what I mean?

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JEFFERSON: No, I don’t.
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LEWIS: You got trees, you got shrubs, you got flowers.
JEFFERSON: We have this whole continent here, and if we don’t
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claim it the British or the French or somebody like that is going to
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get some of it.

LEWIS: The French already have quite a bit of it.
JEFFERSON: We’re going to buy the Louisiana territory from the
French.
LEWIS: They’re going to sell Louisiana?
JEFFERSON: They’re hard up for cash, and we can use the land.
Don’t forget about New Orleans. We’ll end up with some great
Cajun food.
LEWIS: How much is Louisiana going to cost?
JEFFERSON: Fifteen million dollars. (LEWIS gasps.) That’s four
cents an acre, Meri.
LEWIS: Sir, my first name is Meriwether, not Meri.
JEFFERSON: Really? Anyway, I have my eye on a bigger piece of
real estate. We really don’t know what’s between here and
California. (Stands and paces.) Even though our nation is only
eighteen years old, I believe we are going to become the greatest
power on the face of the earth! This is our manifestation
destination!
LEWIS: Don’t you mean manifest destiny?

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 BY BURTON BUMGARNER

JEFFERSON: Whatever. First I need to come up with some more

money. (Crosses to desk, sits and writes.) Let’s see if I can get
some of those guys in congress to cough up the bucks.
LEWIS: How much money are you asking for?
JEFFERSON: I think twenty-five hundred will be enough.
LEWIS: To purchase the rest of the continent?
JEFFERSON: No, silly. To EXPLORE the rest of the continent. We
need someone to go see what’s out there.

Finishes writing and hands the paper to LEWIS.

Take this to one of our friends in congress. Don’t let anyone else

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see it.
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CONGRESSMAN 1 and CONGRESSMAN 2 enter right. LEWIS

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crosses to the CONGRESSMEN.
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CONGRESSMAN 1: Look who’s here! It’s Meriwether Lewis! The

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president’s personal secretary!
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CONGRESSMAN 2: Hey, Meri! How’s the weather?

(CONGRESSMEN laugh.) Get it? Meri! The weather?
LEWIS: You two think you’re funny, don’t you?
CONGRESSMAN 1: Of course we’re funny.
CONGRESSMAN 2: We’re congressmen.
CONGRESSMAN 1: So, what’s that? (Indicating the paper.)
LEWIS: Nothing.

Holds the paper behind his back. CONGRESSMEN struggle for the
paper.

You can’t have it!

They finally get the paper.

CONGRESSMAN 1: What do we have here? A request for twenty-

five hundred dollars.
CONGRESSMAN 2: Why does President Jefferson want twenty-five
hundred bucks?

9
 ARE WE THERE YET? THE MORE OR LESS TRUE STORY OF THE
LEWIS AND CLARK EXPEDITION
LEWIS: I can’t tell you.

CONGRESSMEN twist LEWIS’ arm behind his back.

Hey! That hurts!

CONGRESSMAN 1: Why does the President want that money?
LEWIS: He wants to explore the west! Are you happy now?

They let go of LEWIS.

CONGRESSMAN 1: Explore the west?

CONGRESSMAN 2: You know, that’s not a bad idea. There might

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be something really important out there. Like…I don’t know
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…dinosaurs.
CONGRESSMAN 1: We’ll take the request and make sure the

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money is delivered.
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CONGRESSMAN 2: You can count on us.

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CONGRESSMEN exits right. LEWIS crosses to JEFFERSON.
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LEWIS: Okay. I got your money. Can I go home now?

JEFFERSON: I have something else in mind for you.
LEWIS: (Excited.) Is it a promotion?
JEFFERSON: You could think of it that way. Have a seat.

LEWIS looks around. There is no place to sit.

LEWIS: I’m okay standing.

JEFFERSON crosses to LEWIS and puts his arm around his

shoulders.

JEFFERSON: We’ve been friends for a long time, haven’t we, Meri?
LEWIS: It’s Meriwether.
JEFFERSON: Whatever. You grew up in the wilderness of Virginia.
You know how to hunt, how to fish, how to live off the land.
LEWIS: I never really liked living off of the land.
JEFFERSON: You have a military background.

10
 BY BURTON BUMGARNER

LEWIS: I didn’t really like military life.

JEFFERSON: You know how to write and express yourself … except
that you’re not very good at spelling.
LEWIS: A citizen of this country should be free to spell hard words
anyway he chooses!
JEFFERSON: But you can’t even spell easy words. Look, you’re not
all that great a secretary. But you’d make a terrific explorer.
LEWIS: Explorer?
JEFFERSON: I want YOU to get some people together and go from
here to the Pacific Ocean … and you can’t go around South
America to get there.
LEWIS: But sir! That’s never been done!

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JEFFERSON: I want you to make maps and keep journals so I can
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read about your adventures. Maybe somebody can help you with
the spelling.

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Shakes hands with LEWIS.

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Good luck, Wether-meri. You’ll need it.
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JEFFERSON exits.

LEWIS: That’s Meriwether.

SIGN CHANGER changes signs to “Scene 3: 1803 – Part 2”. LEWIS

crosses DS.

SCENE 3
1803 - Part 2

LEWIS: (To AUDIENCE.) I really don’t want to do this.

KEAN enters and crosses DS.

KEAN: (To AUDIENCE.) Mr. Lewis really didn’t want to do this.

LEWIS: (To KEAN.) I just said that.
KEAN: (To AUDIENCE.) President Jefferson sent Lewis back to
school to study botany, zoology, navigation and medicine.

11
 ARE WE THERE YET? THE MORE OR LESS TRUE STORY OF THE
LEWIS AND CLARK EXPEDITION

The school desk is moved DS. LEWIS sits. DR. DULL enters and
crosses DS.

DULL: (Monotone.) Of the many interesting plants that grow in the

Arctic, none is perhaps more interesting than …
LEWIS: (Annoyed.) I’m not going to the Arctic!
DULL: Let’s try zoology. Of the many interesting animals that live
along the Amazon River, none is more interesting than …
LEWIS: I’m not going to the Amazon!
DULL: Let’s try navigation. In order to find your way across the
Sahara desert you’ll need to understand the location of the

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constellations.
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LEWIS: That sounds useful.
DULL: But first I’ll present a lecture on ancient Rome.

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LEWIS: I don’t need ancient Rome! I’m traveling up the Missouri
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River to the Pacific Ocean.

DULL: The west is full of dinosaurs and leprechauns. You’d better
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take a secret ray gun.
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LEWIS: Where did they find you?

DULL continues to lecture LEWIS unheard by the audience.

KEAN: (To AUDIENCE.) Lewis studied and worked hard and tried to
make up for his lack of formal education.

DULL hands LEWIS a report card.

DULL: Your report card.

LEWIS: Unsatisfactory in conduct?
DULL: You distracted the other students.
LEWIS: There are no other students! I’m the only student!
DULL: There might have been more if you hadn’t been so disruptive.
LEWIS: An “F” in spelling?
DULL: Correct spelling is important.
LEWIS: You know, if I had a business partner I might not have to
work so hard.

12
 BY BURTON BUMGARNER

DULL exits. School desk is moved US.

KEAN: (To AUDIENCE.) So Lewis thought about his former army

commander, Wendy Clark.

LEWIS: (LEWIS sits at DS desk and writes.) “Dear Wendy … How

are you? I hope you are good. How would you like to go on a
road trip next spring? It will be fun. Your friend, Meriwether
Lewis.” (Folds the letter. MESSENGER enters left.) Take this to
Wendy Clark.

CLARK enters right, reading a tabloid.

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MESSENGER: Why don’t you take it yourself? She’s standing right
over there.

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LEWIS: (Annoyed.) Take the letter! Now!
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MESSENGER takes the letter and crosses to CLARK.

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CLARK: For me?

MESSENGER: Yes ma’am!

Holds out hand waiting for a tip. CLARK hands him a coin from his
pocket. Disappointed.

A dime? A whole dime? Gee, thanks lady! (Sarcastic.) I hope

you can afford it!
CLARK: (Reading.) “Dear Wendy … How are you? I hold you are
groad. How wood you lock to go on a rode trick nest string.”
What’s a rode trick nest string? (Hands MESSENGER letter.)
MESSENGER: (Hands letter to CLARK.) Sorry, ma’am. I can’t
translate gibberish.
CLARK: (Reads.) “It will be fun. Your fiend, Meriwether.” I
remember Meriwether. He couldn’t spell his own name. (Looks at
letter.) He still can’t spell his own name.
MESSENGER: Do you want to send a reply?

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 ARE WE THERE YET? THE MORE OR LESS TRUE STORY OF THE
LEWIS AND CLARK EXPEDITION
CLARK: As I recall the guy was kind of whiny and wasn’t a lot of fun
to be around. On the other hand, what else have I got to do? Tell
him okay. I wonder where we’re going. I hope it’s some place
cool like Fort Lauderdale.

MESSENGER crosses to LEWIS.

MESSENGER: She said okay. (Holds out his hand for a tip.)
LEWIS: You’re kidding, aren’t you? All you had to do was walk over
there. (LEWIS begrudgingly hands MESSENGER a coin.)
MESSENGER: A nickel? You make that lady look like a big spender.

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Exits. LEWIS and CLARK cross center.
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LEWIS: Hey, Wendy. I’m really glad you’re going on the trip. I can

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use your courage, your judgment and your knowledge of the
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frontier.
CLARK: I thought we were going to Fort Lauderdale for spring break.
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LEWIS: We can go there after we get back.
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CLARK: Back from where?

LEWIS: Back from the Pacific Ocean.
CLARK: Wow! That’s gonna be a long trip!
LEWIS: I know a lot about navigation and plants and living off of the
land.
CLARK: So we won’t be staying in hotels?
LEWIS: We will if we can find any.
CLARK: Okay. I’ll go pack. Why don’t you get some maps?

CLARK exits. SIGN CHANGER changes signs to “Scene 4: Map

Girl, Salesman And Dog”.

14
 BY BURTON BUMGARNER

SCENE 4
Map Girl, Salesman and Dog

ALBERTA GALLATIN, a travel agent, enters with a stack of road

maps, and sits at the desk. LEWIS crosses to GALLATIN.

GALLATIN: Hi there. I’m Alberta Gallatin, the girl to see for maps.
How may I help you?
LEWIS: I’d like to get some maps.
GALLATIN: You’ve come to the right place. Where are you going?
New York? Washington? Boston?
LEWIS: I’m going to the Pacific Ocean.

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GALLATIN: Wow! I tell ya, the best way to get there is to go to
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Spain, get on a Spanish ship and sail around the tip of South
America. You should be there in a couple of years.

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LEWIS: Actually, I want to cross the continent.
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GALLATIN: As in North America? (LEWIS nods.) Let’s see what I

got. (Unfolds a map.) Here’s Missouri. That’s about as far west
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as these maps go. I got some others here. (Looks at another
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map.) This one shows California as an island. That doesn’t sound

right. (Another map.) This one shows some tiny little mountains
called the Rockies. (Points on a map.) We know we’ve got the
Columbia River way over here. If you go to St. Louis, sail up the
Mississippi River and hang a left onto the Missouri River you’ll end
up at some Mandan villages way up here. (Points on the map.)
That’s as far as anyone’s been.
LEWIS: That’s it? That’s the best you can tell me?
GALLATIN: Let’s look up the West in my handy little guide book.
(Looks in book.) Here we go. No restaurants. No hotels. No gas
stations. No recommended stops. It says no one’s ever been
there, and it’s not recommended for families with small children.

Hands LEWIS the book.

LEWIS: (Looking through the book.) It looks like I’m going to need
some compasses, a surveyor’s chain to measure the speed of the
current of the rivers, an octant and a sextant.
GALLATIN: A guy to clean up your building?

15
 ARE WE THERE YET? THE MORE OR LESS TRUE STORY OF THE
LEWIS AND CLARK EXPEDITION
LEWIS: That’s a sex-TON. A sexton is like a custodian. A sex-
TANT is an instrument for measuring the altitude of a celestial
object above the horizon. It helps to determine distances.
GALLATIN: Wow. You’re really smart … for a guy who’s getting
ready to do something really stupid. By the way, I think you might
need a boat. Otherwise you’re gonna have to do a lot of
swimming. Good luck. Call us if you need roadway assistance.
Of course, if you’re not on a road we can’t help. (Takes maps and
exits.)
LEWIS: She’s right. I’d better get some boats. (Exits.)
KEAN: Lewis spent the summer of 1803 in Pittsburgh overseeing the
construction of a large keelboat.

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SALESMAN and LEWIS enter. KEAN exits.

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SALESMAN: I tell ya, Mr. Lewis … Meri. May I call you Meri?
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LEWIS: NO!
SALESMAN: Oh. Okay. Anyway, Mr. Lewis. This beauty has
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everything. Tinted windows, power steering, power breaks …
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LEWIS: It doesn’t have windows, you steer it with a big oar and the
only way it slows down is if it runs on shore.
SALESMAN: And for those very reasons I’m gonna cut you a deal.
I’ll have to check with my manager, but I think I can put you in this
little beauty for a thousand bucks.
LEWIS: Are you crazy?
SALESMAN: Okay. I can let her go for eight hundred! … Seven
fifty! … Seven twenty-five! Come, Mr. Lewis. You gotta work with
me here!
LEWIS: I’m not the one buying it. The government is paying for it.
SALESMAN: In that case you can have it for three thousand. And I
need to see the cash up front.
LEWIS: That’s outrageous!
SALESMAN: I tell you what. I’ll throw in a dog.
LEWIS: A dog?

SALESMAN exits and enters with DOG.

16
 BY BURTON BUMGARNER

SALESMAN: Every boat needs a dog. (DOG smiles and pants.)

Besides, I don’t like dogs. (DOG frowns and growls.) He’s all
yours … for twenty-five dollars. (Quickly exits.)
LEWIS: A dog. Man’s best friend. Someone to fetch the newspaper
and take on walks and lay by my feet on cold winter nights. (Pets
DOG.) Good boy. (DOG growls. LEWIS pulls his hand away.)
What kind of dog are you?
DOG: I’m a Newfoundland. I’m big, I slobber a lot and I love to play
in the snow.
LEWIS: I hope you’ve had all your vaccinations.
DOG: (To AUDIENCE.) Vaccinations?

rm for l
LEWIS leads DOG offstage. SIGN CHANGER changes sign to
rfo ot sa
“Scene 5: St. Louis, Missouri”.

ce
SCENE 5
pe N ru

St. Louis, Missouri

an
DULL enters, moves the podium DSC and read from notes.
Pe

DULL: (Monotone.) The keelboat Lewis had built was fifty-five feet
long, eight feet wide and was able to carry ten tons of supplies. It
moved through the water by way of sails, oars, poles or
sometimes by crewmen wading through the water pulling the boat
with ropes.

KEAN enters and crosses to DULL.

KEAN: You’re doing it again.

DULL: Doing what again?
KEAN: Making the story boring. (Hands DULL some money.) Here.
Go to Starbucks and get us a couple of mochas.
DULL: Thanks.

DULL exits. KEAN moves the podium UPS and returns DSC.

KEAN: Where were we?

DULL: (Offstage.) St. Louis.

17
 ARE WE THERE YET? THE MORE OR LESS TRUE STORY OF THE
LEWIS AND CLARK EXPEDITION
KEAN: Right. In the summer of 1803 Clark made her way to St.
Louis to recruit members for the expedition. She brought along
her servant York.

CLARK and YORK enter. CLARK wears a Hawaiian shirt, jams,

sunglasses, etc. YORK enters carrying two suitcases.

CLARK: Come along, York. We don’t want to keep Mr. Lewis

waiting.
YORK: I don’t care how long he waits.
CLARK: Did you get everything we need? Sun screen, swimsuits,
snacks, something to read?

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YORK: From the weight of the luggage I’d guess you brought half of
rfo ot sa
the Library of Congress.
CLARK: You know, York. This is going to be fun.

ce
YORK: You’re not the one carrying the luggage.
pe N ru

CLARK: Crossing uncharted wilderness. Living off of the land.

Sleeping out under the stars. Think of the amazing adventures
an
we’ll have.
Pe

YORK: I’m thinking about the mosquitoes.

CLARK: Here comes Mr. Lewis and the rest of the expedition.

LEWIS enters with REUBEN, JOEY, GEORGE, PIERRE, FRANÇOIS

and DOG.

LEWIS: (To CLARK.) What are you wearing?

CLARK: You said to dress casual.
LEWIS: We’re going to the Dakotas! You’re going to freeze!
CLARK: I brought a sweater.
KEAN: Aren’t you going to introduce the members of your
expedition?
LEWIS: They can introduce themselves.

EXPLORERS form a line and step forward as they introduce

themselves.

REUBEN: I’m Reuben. I like selling cookies.

18
 BY BURTON BUMGARNER

JOEY: And I’m Joey. Short for Josephine. I like chopping down
trees.
REUBEN / JOEY: We’re siblings! (REUBEN salutes. JOEY bows.)
GEORGE: Ahoy maties! I’m George. I like pillaging and making
poor slobs walk the plank. I also like pizza, long walks on the
beach and snuggling up in front of a warm fire.
PIERRE: I’m Pierre. I know my way around the wilderness. I got
street smarts. Well … tree smarts.
FRANÇOIS: My name is François. I’m French and like to eat
croissants and snails. And I’m great at skiing and snowboarding.
CLARK: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the explorers!

rm for l
ALL but LEWIS march in step and sing. DOG barks.
rfo ot sa
EXPLORERS: Hi ho! Hi ho! It’s way out west we go!

ce
We’re going to see a lot of snow,
pe N ru

Hi ho! Hi ho! Hi ho!

LEWIS: (Interrupting.) Hey! This isn’t a Disney musical!
an
EXPLORERS: Sorry. (DOG whines.)
Pe

LEWIS: Let’s go.

LEWIS crosses to the desk and writes in his journal. Others exit.
SIGN CHANGER changes sign: “Scene 6: 1804 – Part 1.”

SCENE 6
1804 – Part 1

LEWIS: (Writing.) May 14, 1804. Today we left St Louis. Some of

the crew work harder than others.

REUBEN and JOEY enter with beach towels, sunglasses, drinks with
straws.

REUBEN: You know, this cruise isn’t all that I expected.

JOEY: These fruit drinks are good. Cheers. (They toast and drink.)
LEWIS: (Writing.) July 4, 1804. Our group celebrates the first
Fourth of July west of the Mississippi.

19
 ARE WE THERE YET? THE MORE OR LESS TRUE STORY OF THE
LEWIS AND CLARK EXPEDITION
CREW enters playing “Yankee Doodle” on kazoos. They cross center
and finish the song.

CLARK: HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY, EVERYBODY!

ALL cheer. They play “Yankee Doodle” and exit right.

LEWIS: (Writing.) August 3, 1804. We held our first council with a

small group of Oto and Missouri Indians. Later this area will
become known as Omaha.

NATIVE 1 AND 2 enter left. CLARK and CREW enter right. They

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meet center. REUBEN and JOEY carry boxes.
rfo ot sa
CLARK: (To CREW.) Let me handle this. (To NATIVES.) I am

ce
Clark. We brought you some stuff. (To REUBEN.) Show them.
pe N ru

REUBEN takes a compass from the box and hands it to the

NATIVE 1.
an
Pe

NATIVE 1: What’s this?

REUBEN: A compass. (Looks at compass and points UPS.) North.
(Points DS.) South.
JOEY: No. It’s the other way. (Points DS.) North. (Points UPS.)
South.

GEORGE crosses center.

GEORGE: You got it wrong. That’s north. (Points left.) And that’s
south. (Points right. PIERRE crosses center.)
PIERRE: Actually that’s north (Points right.) And that’s south.
(Points left.)
FRANÇOIS: You guys don’t even know how to read that thing! And
you call yourselves explorers!
YORK: I never called myself an explorer!

20
 BY BURTON BUMGARNER

An argument follows with everyone speaking and pointing at the

same time creating a wall of incomprehensible noise. DOG barks.
NATIVES watch in amazement.

REUBEN: (Pointing.) THAT’S NORTH AND THAT’S SOUTH!

WE’VE BEEN TRAVELING NORHT, IN CASE YOU HAVEN’T
BEEN PAYING ATTENTION! UPRIVER IS NORTH! SOUTH IS
THE OTHER WAY! (Etc.)
JOEY: (Pointing.) THAT’S SOUTH AND THAT’S NORTH! YOU
HAVENT’ BEEN PAYING ATTENTION! YOU DON’T EVEN
KNOW WHAT DIRECTION YOU’RE GOING! MOM WAS RIGHT
ABOUT YOU! (Etc.)

rm for l
GEORGE: YOU’RE BOTH WRONG! THAT IS EAST AND THAT IS
rfo ot sa
WEST! THAT COMPASS NEVER WORKED RIGHT! THE
RIVER GOES NORTH AND SOUTH AND ACCORDING TO

ce
THAT THING WE’RE GOING EAST AND WEST! (Etc.)
pe N ru

PIERRE: (Pointing.) NORTH! SOUTH! NORTH! SOUTH!

NORTH! SOUTH! (Etc.)
an
FRANÇOIS: (Pointing.) SOUTH! NORTH! SOUTH! NORTH!
Pe

SOUTH! NORTH! (Etc.)

YORK: How did I ever end up in the middle of nowhere with a bunch
of lunatics who can’t even read a compass? Which way is
Virginia? I wonder if I can walk back. Let’s see, St. Louis is
south, so if I start walking east … Which way is east? (Etc.)
CLARK: WOULD YOU GUYS KNOCK IT OFF? YOU’RE
EMBARRASSING ME! HERE WE ARE TRYING TO IMPRESS
PEOPLE AND YOU’RE ACTING LIKE A PACK OF
KINDERGARTENERS! (Etc.)
LEWIS: DO YOU MIND? I’M TRYING TO KEEP A JOURNAL
HERE! HEY! KNOCK IT OFF! (Crosses center.) I CAN’T HEAR
MYSELF THINK OVER THERE! WE’RE SUPPOSED TO BE
CIVILIZED!

Noise continues until LEWIS takes out a police whistle and blows it.
ALL are suddenly quiet. They hold their ears in pain.

YORK: Wow! That was really loud.

21
 ARE WE THERE YET? THE MORE OR LESS TRUE STORY OF THE
LEWIS AND CLARK EXPEDITION
LEWIS holds up a magnet and the compass.

LEWIS: First of all, you don’t put a compass near a magnet.

REUBEN: Why not?
LEWIS: Because the needle of the compass is attracted to magnetic
fields. As long as no other magnets are around it will be attracted
by the magnetic field of the North Pole.
DOG: I could have told you that. (ALL glare at DOG.) But what do I
know? I’m just a dog.
CLARK: Oh. Okay. Sorry. I guess we should keep on exploring.
(To NATIVES.) Have a nice day.

rm for l
Hands NATIVE 1 the compass. CREW exits. LEWIS returns to desk.
rfo ot sa
NATIVE 1: Well, that was interesting. (Studies compass.) Made in

ce
Taiwan. (Tries to hand it to NATIVE 2.)
pe N ru

NATIVE 2: I don’t want it. (NATIVES exit.)

LEWIS: (Writing.) August 20. Sergeant Floyd becomes the first
an
casualty of our expedition.
Pe

FLOYD enters holding stomach.

FLOYD: I don’t think that gopher we had for dinner last night was all
that great. I don’t feel so good.

Falls over dead. PIERRE and FRANÇOIS enter and drag FLOYD
offstage.

LEWIS: (Writing.) September 7. We moved onto the plains and saw

an amazing assortment of plants and animals. I had the crew
describe and illustrate them.

PIERRE, FRANÇOIS enter and cross DSC. PIERRE has a pair of

binoculars. FRANÇOIS takes notes on a legal pad with a quill pen.
GEORGE and YORK enter and cross DSR. YORK has a sketch pad
and quill pen.

PIERRE: (Looking through binoculars.) Coyote.

22
 BY BURTON BUMGARNER

FRANÇOIS: (Writing.) Coyote.

PIERRE: Antelope.
FRANÇOIS: Antelope.
PIERRE: Mule deer.
FRANÇOIS: Mule deer.
GEORGE: (Bending down to examine a plant.) Grassy stuff with
blooms.
YORK: (Draws.) Broom sage.
GEORGE: (Moves to a new spot. Standing.) Flower as tall as I am.
YORK: (Draws.) Sunflower.
GEORGE: (Bending down touching plant.) Vine with clusters of
three green leaves.

rm for l
YORK: (Draws.) Poison ivy.
rfo ot sa
GEORGE: (Looking at his hand in horror.) Poison ivy?

ce
YORK and GEORGE exit.
pe N ru

PIERRE: (Looking through binoculars.) Prairie dog.

an
FRANÇOIS: (Writes.) Prairie dog.
Pe

PIERRE: Buffalo.
FRANÇOIS: Buffalo.
PIERRE: Hmm. That’s a strange looking creature.

Hands FRANÇOIS the binoculars.

I’m not sure what that is.

DOG enters sniffing around.

Hey Dog! Take a look at this!

DOG crosses center, takes binoculars and looks.

What is it?
DOG: (Smiles and waves.) That is a poodle. And it think he ( Or
she.) likes me. (Continues to wave and blow kisses.)
FRANÇOIS: (Writing.) Poodle. Is that one “L” or two?

23
 ARE WE THERE YET? THE MORE OR LESS TRUE STORY OF THE
LEWIS AND CLARK EXPEDITION
Exit dragging DOG with them.

LEWIS: (Writing.) All total, we identified 178 plants and 122 animals
that had never been recorded. September 25, 1804. We almost
got into a fight with the Lakota Indians.

CREW and LAKOTA 1, 2 AND 3 enter.

CLARK: Look, guys. We really don’t want a fight. What could we do

to smooth things over?

LAKOTAS huddle, discuss and then break.

rm for l
rfo ot sa
LAKOTA 1: We want one of your boats.

ce
CREW huddles, discusses, breaks.
pe N ru

CLARK: That’s a no-can-do. We’re trying to get to the Pacific

an
Ocean, and if we give you a boat we won’t be able to haul our
Pe

supplies.

LAKOTAS huddle, discuss, break.

LAKOTA 2: How about your dog?

CREW: SURE!
DOG: (Horrified.) WHAT?
LAKOTA 2: Can he hunt, or herd buffalo, or do tricks?
CLARK: Not really. I’m not sure what he can do.

LAKOTAS huddle, discuss, break.

LAKOTA 3: How about if you accept our hospitality for a couple of

days? We have some really cool customs and traditions. You can
keep the dog.
CLARK: Well … okay.
YORK: Are you sure you don’t want the dog?
DOG: (To YORK.) I ought to bite you!

24
 BY BURTON BUMGARNER

They exit. SIGN CHANGER changes the sign: “Scene 7: 1804 –

Part 2”.

SCENE 7
1804 – Part 2

LEWIS: (Writing.) October 24, 1804. We met some really nice

people called Mandans. About 4500 live here in what will later be
known as North Dakota. Captain Clark decided to build a fort.

CLARK and CREW enter and cross center.

rm for l
CLARK: You know, this would be a great place to build a fort. The
rfo ot sa
Mandan village is over there (Points DS.) and we can trade and
have soft ball leagues. We haven’t built anything yet, and it’s time

ce
we did. Let’s build Fort Mandan! (CREW groans and exits.)
pe N ru

LEWIS: (Writes.) November 4, 1804. I decided to hire an

interpreter, a French Canadian fur trader named Charbonneau.
an
Pe

CHARBONNEAU enters and crosses center.

CHARBONNEAU: I speak all of the native languages and I can lead

you to the headwaters of the Missouri River. I got some friends
there called the Shoshones, and they can get you some horses.
They have lots of horses.
LEWIS: I believe you’ll be very useful to our expedition, Miss
Charbonneau.
CHARBONNEAU: You wanna pay with cash, credit or debit card?
LEWIS: I kind of thought you might help us out … you know … out of
friendship.
CHARBONNEAU: After Jefferson ripped us off with the Louisiana
Purchase? I don’t think so!

CHARBONNEAU exits. LEWIS returns to the desk.

LEWIS: (Writing.) December 24, 1804. MAN IT’S COLD!

CREW enters shivering.

25
 ARE WE THERE YET? THE MORE OR LESS TRUE STORY OF THE
LEWIS AND CLARK EXPEDITION

CLARK: (To FRANÇOIS.) I’ll give you ten bucks for that ski coat.
REUBEN: I’ll give you fifteen!
JOEY: Sixteen!
GEORGE: Twenty!
FRANÇOIS: I’m not selling my coat!
YORK: The fort is finished. Why don’t we build a fire in the family
room fireplace and wait out the winter?
CREW: Okay.
LEWIS: (Writing.) I’m noticing that the crew is suffering from
homesickness.
CLARK: What I wouldn’t give for a bagel and cream cheese.

rm for l
CREW: Yeah!
rfo ot sa
PIERRE: Or a latté.
GEORGE: Regular or decaf.

ce
PIERRE: Regular.
pe N ru

FRANÇOIS: Skim milk or regular?

PIERRE: Half and half.
an
REUBEN: Cinnamon?
Pe

PIERRE: No cinnamon.
DOG: I’d give anything for a bowl of Kibbles ‘n Bits (Or other dog
food brand.)
CREW: Yeah!

CREW exits. SIGN CHANGER changes sign: “Scene 8: 1805 – Part

1”.

SCENE 8
1805 – Part 1

DULL enters and crosses center.

DULL: (To AUDIENCE.) In January of 1805, the Mandans perform

their sacred buffalo calling ceremony and invite the Lewis and
Clark expedition to join in the hunt.

REUBEN and JOEY cautiously creep across the stage.

26
 BY BURTON BUMGARNER

REUBEN: Here, buffalo. Come to papa. (To JOEY.) What are we

supposed to do with a buffalo?
JOEY: Kill it, eat it and use its hide for coats.
REUBEN: I think I’ll go back to the fort. I’m expecting an important
phone call.
JOEY: You get service way out here? That’s amazing!
REUBEN: It IS amazing. Cell phones won’t be invented for another
two hundred years.

JOEY and REUBEN exit.

DULL: (To AUDIENCE.) In April of 1805 the expedition sends a

rm for l
dozen men downriver along with maps, animal skins and
rfo ot sa
souvenirs, which are delivered to President Jefferson five months
later.

ce
pe N ru

DULL exits. JEFFERSON enters and sits at the desk. MESSENGER

enters with a box and crosses to JEFFERSON.
an
Pe

MESSENGER: From Lewis and Clark. They’ve sent corn.

JEFFERSON: I’ll plant it in my garden at Monticello.
MESSENGER: And elk antlers.
JEFFERSON: Just the thing to go on the wall of my bonus room.
MESSENGER: They’ve sent maps, animal skins, souvenirs … and
this. (Hands JEFFERSON the box. JEFFERSON peeks inside.)
JEFFERSON: What is it?
MESSENGER: It’s called a prairie dog.
JEFFERSON: It looks kind of angry.
MESSENGER: Well, he’s been in that box for about five months.
JEFFERSON: You know, I think James Madison would like this.
He’s such an animal lover.
MESSENGER: You could send it to the Natural History Museum in
Philadelphia.
JEFFERSON: I don’t care what you do with it. Just get it away from
me. (Hands MESSENGER the box. MESSENGER waits.) Oh
yeah. (Hands MESSENGER a coin.)
MESSENGER: (Disappointed.) Gee thanks. A whole quarter.

27
 ARE WE THERE YET? THE MORE OR LESS TRUE STORY OF THE
LEWIS AND CLARK EXPEDITION
JEFFERSON and MESSENGER exit. KEAN enters and crosses
center.

KEAN: (To AUDIENCE.) On April 7 the guys who didn’t travel

downriver left Fort Mandan. Charbonneau led the way.

CHARBONNEAU enters followed by CREW.

CHARBONNEAU: This way! We’re heading into the sunset!

They cross the stage and exit. After a moment they enter and cross
in the opposite direction.

rm for l
rfo ot sa
Actually, I think it’s this way.

ce
ALL but LEWIS exits. LEWIS crosses to the desk and writes.
pe N ru

LEWIS: (Writing.) April 29, 1805. At first we thought the natives’

an
description of the grizzly bears was exaggerated.
Pe

CREW yells offstage.

CREW: BEAR! BEAR! BEAR! (Etc. They enter, run across the
stage in panic and exit.)
LEWIS: (Writing.) Now we’re not so sure. June 2, 1805. Today we
came to a fork in the river. Some of the guys thought we should
go north. Captain Clark and I thought we should go south.

CREW enters. LEWIS crosses to CLARK.

LEWIS / CLARK: SOUTH!

CREW: NORTH!
LEWIS / CLARK: SOUTH!
CREW: NORTH!
CLARK: Why don’t we flip a coin? Heads we go north. Tails we go
south. (Flips a coin.)
YORK: (Looking over CLARK’S shoulder.) It’s heads. We’re going
north.

28
 BY BURTON BUMGARNER

CLARK: We’re going south!

CREW: WHY?
CLARK: Because I said so! I’m the boss!
CREW: (Meekly.) Okay.

CREW exits. LEWIS returns to the desk.

LEWIS: (Writing.) June 13, 1805. We came to the biggest waterfall

we’ve ever seen: the Great Falls of the Missouri River. Then we
found four more waterfalls that were just as big. These babies are
going to look great on high definition television in about two
hundred years. July 4, 1805. Our group celebrates our second 4th

rm for l
of July west of the Mississippi.
rfo ot sa
CREW enters playing “Yankee Doodle” on kazoos. They cross center

ce
and finish the song.
pe N ru

CLARK: Happy Fourth of July everybody!

an
Pe

ALL cheer. They play “Yankee Doodle” and exit.

LEWIS: (Writing.) August 17, 1805. We finally reached the

Shoshones and we tried to negotiate for horses.

SALESMAN and CLARK enter.

SALESMAN: I tell you, Mr. Clark. These beauties have everything.

Tinted windows, power steering, power breaks … sun roof.
CLARK: They’re horses! They don’t have windows, you steer with
reigns, and you break by yelling “whoa!”. And a sun roof?
SALESMAN: Well. (Looks up.) You can think of it as a sun roof.
Did I mention the all-terrain horseshoes?
CLARK: I want twenty-nine horses, a mule and a guide to get us
through these mountains. And I’m not paying a lot!

29
 ARE WE THERE YET? THE MORE OR LESS TRUE STORY OF THE
LEWIS AND CLARK EXPEDITION
SALESMAN: Well, I’ll have to see what my manager says.
(SALESMAN exits, then returns.) He’s never done anything like
this before, but he says you can have the horses, the mule and
he’ll throw in a guide for a special low price with easy payment
options. Shall we go talk with our business manager?

CLARK and SALESMAN exit.

LEWIS: (Writing.) August 18, 1805. Today is my birthday. (Sadly.)

And no one remembered. I’m thirty-one years old.
DOG enters with a dog treat.
A cupcake! Oh, Dog! You remembered! This means so much to

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me! Good dog! (Takes treat, pets DOG and exits.)
rfo ot sa
DOG: That’s not a cupcake. It’s a doggie treat. Liver flavored.

ce
Offstage LEWIS makes gagging sounds. Sadly.
pe N ru

And it was my last one.

an
Pe

DOG exits. KEAN enters.

KEAN: The expedition missed a turn coming out of Great Falls. I

know what you’re going to say. They’re men, and men never ask
for directions. The trip from Great Falls to Missoula should have
taken four days. Instead it took fifty-three days.

KEAN exits. CREW, all but DOG, enters and stagger center. They
collapse. LEWIS crosses to the desk and writes.

LEWIS: (Writing.) The trip over the Bitterroot Mountains was the
worst thing I’ve ever seen. Our guide got lost. It started snowing.
We ran out of food. We were starving and ready to eat anything.

DOG enters and freezes. ALL look at DOG.

DOG: Uh … guys. Don’t look at me like that.

YORK: Like what?
DOG: Like I’m something you’d put on a pizza.

30
 BY BURTON BUMGARNER

CREW: (Grinning.) Pizza!

DOG quickly exits yelping. CREW follows.

LEWIS: (To AUDIENCE.) Don’t worry. Dog got away. (Writing.)

We made it out of the mountains and caught some salmon …
which made us sick. I guess you’re supposed to cook it. October
7, 1805. We met some natives. Nice people called the Nez
Percé. (Pronounced Nez pur-SAA.) They showed us how to
make canoes. We paddled down the Snake River and passed the
falls of the Columbia River. And then we see it in the distance!
Mount Hood!

rm for l
rfo ot sa
Dull enters and crosses center.

ce
DULL: (To AUDIENCE.) Mount Hood, in present day Oregon, was
pe N ru

first seen by a British sea captain in 1792. It was a point of

navigation for ships in the Pacific.
an
Pe

KEAN enters and crosses center.

KEAN: (To AUDIENCE.) In the distance Clark thinks he sees the

end of the land.

CLARK enters.

CLARK: We made it! We made it! Oh joy! Oh rapture!

KEAN: But he was wrong. The Pacific Ocean was still twenty miles
away. The Crew experienced terrible storms.

CREW enters with umbrellas and rain ponchos.

YORK: (Sarcastic.) Great way to spend your vacation. Rain. Snow.

Starvation.
CHARBONNEAU: Sounds like a survival show on the Discovery
Channel.

31
 ARE WE THERE YET? THE MORE OR LESS TRUE STORY OF THE
LEWIS AND CLARK EXPEDITION
LEWIS: (Writing.) We’ve estimated our journey to have been over
four thousand miles long, from the mouth of the Missouri River to
the Pacific Ocean.
CLARK: Okay. We finally made it. All who want to spend the winter
here raise your hands. (No one raises their hands.) All who want
to go home raise your hands. (ALL raise their hands.) We’ll
spend the winter here.
REUBEN: But we voted to go home.
CLARK: You want to cross those mountains again in the winter?
We’ll build a nice fort and stay here. (CREW groans.) We’ll have
a big New Year’s party.

rm for l
They freeze. The rest of the CAST enters and freezes awaiting
rfo ot sa
curtain calls. SIGN CHANGER enters and changes the sign: “Scene
9: 1806 – Home”.

ce
pe N ru

SCENE 9
1806 – Home
an
Pe

KEAN: The crew spent the winter by the Columbia River. It rained
and rained and rained. And then it really rained.
DULL: In March of 1806 the Expedition started home.

ALL but LEWIS sing and march in place.

CREW: Hi ho! Hi ho!

We saw a lot of snow!
We went out west and did our best,
Hi ho! Hi ho! Hi ho! Hi ho!
LEWIS: KNOCK IT OFF!
KEAN: After crossing the Bitterroot Mountains the crew split into
small units. Lewis took a shortcut at Great Falls. Clark took the
scenic route down the Yellowstone River.
LEWIS / CLARK: (To AUDIENCE.) We were driving each other
nuts!
DULL: Lewis and Clark traveled to Washington to meet with the
President.

32
 BY BURTON BUMGARNER

JEFFERSON crosses to LEWIS and CLARK and shakes their hands.

JEFFERSON: Good job. I think I’ll give each everyone on your

expedition some land. Captain Clark, I’m going to make you a
general. And Meri … uh … wether, how would you like to be the
new governor of the Louisiana Territory?
LEWIS: I thought I might stay here and …
JEFFERSON: (Interrupting.) I knew you’d like it.
LEWIS: Could I be your personal secretary again?
JEFFERSON: I really need somebody who can spell. Hope you like
Cajun food.
CREW: Hey! What about us? We did all the work! Make me

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governor of something!
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LEWIS blows whistle again. CAST freezes.

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LEWIS: (To CAST.) Knock it off!

CLARK: Well, it’s been fun.
an
LEWIS: It wasn’t so bad … except for the danger and the hunger
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and the cold and the heat …

CLARK: (Interrupting.) Okay. I’ll be seeing you.

They shake hands and freeze.

DULL: (To AUDIENCE.) And this concludes the greatest expedition

of discovery in the history of America.
KEAN: (To DULL.) You know, you’re the dullest teacher in the
history of America.
DULL: I am not!
KEAN: Are too!
DULL: Am not!
KEAN: Are too! (To AUDIENCE.) This is the part you’ve all been
waiting for.
CAST: THE END!

SIGN CHANGER enters, places a sign on the easel that reads “The
End”, bows and exits.

33
ARE WE THERE YET? THE MORE OR LESS TRUE STORY OF THE
LEWIS AND CLARK EXPEDITION

END OF PLAY

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34
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35
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NOTES
BY BURTON BUMGARNER

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ARE WE THERE YET? THE MORE OR LESS TRUE STORY OF THE
LEWIS AND CLARK EXPEDITION
NOTES

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36
 BURTON BUMGARNER
Burton grew up in North Carolina, and began writing
plays in 1994. He has worked as a director and
musical director, and run lights and sound. He also
makes a very courteous and helpful usher. To date
he has written over 70 plays, including full length
comedies and dramas, one acts, and seasonal plays.
He also writes under the pseudonym Andrew Ross.
Many of his scripts are particularly appropriate for
middle and high school students. They have large
casts, single sets and are broken down into easily
rehearsed scenes. A number of plays are adaptions
from literary works students read in language arts
classes: such as Homer, O. Henry, Saki, Bent, de
Maupassant, Twain and Shakespeare.Burton also
writes for adults. He is a three time winner of the
Robert J. Pickering Award for Playwriting from the
Coldwater Community Theater, Coldwater Michigan.
In 2004 he won the McLaren Memorial Comedy
Playwriting Festival in Midland, Texas. His plays
have been produced across the United States and
Canada, and in Europe, Australia and Japan. Burton
has written lyrics and voice overs for Kindermusick
International, including the CD Alpha Building Crew
which won the Creative Child Magazine Educational
CD of the Year for 2006. He earned a Bachelor of Music
degree from Greensboro College, and a Masters of
Music from Southern Methodist University. When
he’s not writing hes thinking about writing.
Are We There Yet? The More or Less
True Story of the Lewis and Clark
Expedition
by Burton Bumgarner
Type: One Act
Genre: Comedy
Duration: 40 minutes
Cast: 7-10 female, 6-8 male, 4-6 either, 1 extra, doubling possible, gender
flexible

Following the American Revolution the country’s western border ended at the Mis-
souri River. In 1803 President Jefferson charged his personal secretary, Meriwether
Lewis, with gathering an expedition party and traveling inland across the unex-
plored wilderness of North America. Lewis and Clark took a perilous two and a half
year journey of discovery from St. Louis to the Pacific Northwest. This is the story of
the Lewis and Clark Expedition as it might be told by Monty Python.

ISBN: 978-1-60003-745-0