````` ISSUE 64

DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH & WELLBEING £5.99

Are your lines

Create being crossed?

your own We reveal the

secrets to setting

sanctuary
healthy boundaries

Paradise awaits as
you discover a safe

O
space just for you
THE BIG 'O'
On the hunt
for pleasure
equality

PLUS
The ULTIMATE
mindset reset
Shake up your
perspective

• CAREER INSPO
• GET GROUNDED
• BODY LANGUAGE
 It is never too late to be
who you might have been
GEORGE ELIOT

Photography | Albert Vincent

2 | Issue XX | happiful.com
 A little piece
of paradise
“If we could make our house a home,
and then make it a sanctuary, I think
we could truly find paradise on
Earth.” – Alexandra Stoddard.
When I read this quote, I couldn’t
help but think back to being a kid,
and revelling in building blanket forts.
Mismatched quilts, various pillows
‘borrowed’ from any room that
could spare them, and the dubious
structural integrity meaning you
might find the fabric roof resting
on your head at any moment; it
was thrilling, imperfect, and utterly
personal. A cosy little cocoon to play,
read, or daydream to your heart’s
content.
Nowadays, it’s rare to take a walk
through the woods without spotting
a makeshift den. Remnants of a fun
afternoon of adventure, which can
set a little pang of longing in your
heart to join the creativity.
As adults, we can take for granted
the benefits that a safe space to call
our own can bring.
Whether it’s a physical place to find
some tranquillity, or a mental one
to clear our minds of pressures,
stresses, and endless to-do lists, we
Rebecca portrait | Studio Rouge
all deserve somewhere to switch off
and find respite.
In this issue, we’re homing-in on
how we can create our own bubble,
mentally and physically, to give us a
breather from daily woes.
It’s time to recapture that magic of
our youth, and create a sanctuary to
retreat from the chaos of the world.
Why not try our quiz on p44 to discover
how to craft your own sweet escape?
It could be a kingdom of contentment
as you reconnect with nature, like
in our article on p53, or the comfort
of retreating behind your own
parametres of peace by setting healthy
boundaries on p17.
Take a moment to consider your true
needs. Knowing this little piece of At Happiful, inclusivity,
paradise is there for you could be a representation, and creating
great, untapped comfort in testing a happier, healthier society
times. are at the forefront of our
mission. To find out more
You deserve to feel resilient, about our social and
rejuvenated, and reborn. Your environmental pledges,
sanctuary visit happiful.com/pledges
awaits...
W | happiful.com
Happy reading,
F | happifulhq
T | @happifulhq
REBECCA THAIR |
EDITOR I | @happiful_magazine
 50
An open mind
17 Toe the line
How to set your boundaries

35 The mindset reset

41 A safe place
The importance of personal
sanctuaries, and how to find yours

62 Soothing sensations
Discover the cutting-edge

41
science helping us to feel good

78 Mind your language

Why the words we choose
matter so much

Wellbeing
20 Get grounded
Try these practical tips

25 Are you overworking?

It might be time to slow things down

32 What is minority stress?

Find out more about the pressures
faced by those in minority groups

38 Consent to vent
How to check-in before unloading

53 The great outdoors

Embrace its wellbeing perks 28
Food & health
45 Can you boost endorphins?
Try these five science-backed tips

46 Cracking snacks
Nutritious toppings for the

35
staple nibble: a cracker

61 Perfect peach smoothie

 Relationships
14 What's the orgasm gap?
Could you be missing out?
50 What new mums need
How to be there when loved
ones start a fresh life stage
53
56 Friends for life
How to improve the quality
of your close connections
58 Love is love
Insight into the prejudice faced
by the LGBTQIA+ community
83 Feel the love
Use this month's journaling
pages to strengthen your bonds
Try this at home
16 Breathe easy
48 Take what you need
68 Body language 101
56
76 Ask yourself this
Questions to help you
reconnect with your work
82 Nature walks
Culture
8 Good news
Uplifting stories to make you smile
13 The wellbeing wrap
20
30 Do something new
49 Good books
Positive pointers
22 Travelling with toddlers
Grace Victory shares first-hand tips
28 A natural energy boost
65 Lottie Bedlow
The GBBO star on embracing
taste over perfection
69 Grow-your-own revolution
73 Self-compassion secrets
Could cutting comparison help
*
us to see the bigger picture?
Expert review
Every issue of Happiful is
reviewed by an accredited
counsellor, to ensure we
deliver the highest quality
content while handling
topics sensitively.
We live in an age where the
pressure to socially engage
has intensified, partly due to
technology and the instant
access people have to each
other. This has made it even
harder to manage personal
boundaries. Head over to
p17 for some great tips on
how to maintain healthy
boundaries in your life. It’s
important you are in control
and comfortable. The greater
the fulfilment you have in a
relationship, the more value
you will find in it.
RAV SEKHON
BA MA MBACP (Accred)
Rav is a counsellor
and psychotherapist
with more than 10
years' experience.
 Expert Panel Our team
Meet the team of experts providing information, guidance, EDITORIAL
Rebecca Thair | Editor
and insight throughout this issue
Kathryn Wheeler | Features Editor
Lauren Bromley-Bird | Editorial Assistant
Bonnie Evie Gifford, Kat Nicholls | Senior Writers
TABITHA BAST ALANA LEGGETT Becky Wright | Content & Marketing Officer
Msc PST IAC AC Grace Victory, Bhavna Raithatha | Columnists
Tabitha is a sex and Alana is a life coach Lucy Donoughue | Head of Multimedia
relationship therapist. dedicated to empowering
Ellen Lees | Head of Content
women.
Janette Owen | Sub-Editor
Rav Sekhon | Expert Advisor

ART & DESIGN

Amy-Jean Burns | Head of Product
Charlotte Reynell | Creative Lead
JODI PILCHER GORDON CRESSIDA ELIAS Rosan Magar | Illustrator
MA FDSC MBACP BA Hons IANLPC IAHT
COMMUNICATIONS
Jodi is an integrative Cressida is a nutritional Alice Greedus | PR Manager
counsellor and consultant and hair mineral
wellbeing tutor. analysis practitioner.
CONTRIBUTORS
Klaudia Mitura, Alessandra Vescio, Laura Caunter,
Mahevash Shaikh, Jenna Farmer, Jodi Pilcher Gordon,
Erica Crompton, Maxine Ali, Michelle Elman,
Lottie Bedlow

SPECIAL THANKS
Tabitha Bast, Alana Leggett, Chloe Barry,
Cressida Elias, Natasha Crowe, Sheri Werner,
NATASHA CROWE CHLOE SPARROW Keith Howitt
Ad.Dip.Cp Dip.Hyp MHS MNCS BA MA HCPC Reg BAAT

Natasha is a Chloe is an art MANAGEMENT

psychotherapist, psychotherapist, Aimi Maunders | Director & Co-Founder
counsellor, and coach. therapist, and painter. Emma White | Director & Co-Founder
Paul Maunders | Director & Co-Founder

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helping clients to relax centred life and career Riverside Way, Camberley, Surrey, GU15 3YL
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Helping you find the help you need.
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BHAVNA RAITHATHA LAURA CAUNTER

BSc (Hons) MSc MBACP (Accred) BA NLP ICF PCC

Bhavna is a Laura is a mindset

psychotherapist, coach, and success coach
supervisor, and trainer. for women.
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and a supportive community at pandasfoundation.org.uk

CONNECT WITH A LIFE COACH

p76 Learn more about life coaching and connect with a One undeniable truth is that
professional using lifecoach-directory.org.uk finding the right help for each
individual is a journey – what
works for one of us will be
different for someone else. But
don't feel disheartened if you
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DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH & WELLBEING
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for pleasure
equality

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counselling, to hypnotherapy,
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Shake up your
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ENVIRONMENT
Living artwork reminds us to prioritise pollinators
A new 55-metre-long living
artwork is causing quite the
buzz at the Eden Project in
Cornwall. Dubbed the Pollinator
Pathmaker, the piece is made
up of 7,000 plants, all designed
to welcome pollinators such as
bees, wasps, beetles, and moths.
Pollinating food crops and
helping plants reproduce and
thrive, these tiny creatures are
small yet mighty – but they’re
also in decline. The aim of
the artwork, created by artist
Alexandra Daisy Ginsberg, is to
8 | Issue 64 | happiful.com
The Uplift
raise awareness of pollinators,
their vital role in our ecosystem,
and to prompt questions about
who gardens are truly for.
“I am thrilled to be able to
officially launch Pollinator
Pathmaker,” Alexandra says. “It’s
been wonderful to observe the
first garden grow and begin to
bloom over the winter at Eden,
and to already be hosting so
many pollinating visitors; bees,
butterflies, beetles, and more. I’m
also very excited to welcome our
human visitors, who will be able
Image | A bee and purple toadflax at Pollinator Pathamker, an Eden Project Edition Garden by Alexandra Daisy Ginsberg
to enjoy the garden design and
the variety of plants springing up,
as they mature even further this
summer.”
Keen to create your own
Pollinator Pathmaker? Visit
pollinator.art for a special
algorithm that suggests planting
schemes which are ‘empathetic’
to pollinating critters, so you
can design and grow your own
version (available to anyone in
northern Europe). We have no
doubt it’ll be the bee’s knees!
Writing | Kat Nicholls
 SCIENCE
Eager to learn? New research shows a ‘substantially
faster’ way of gaining knowledge
If there was a way to supercharge
your ability to learn, would
you take it? According to a new
study published in the Journal
of Psychological Science, there
may, in fact, be a way to ensure
that we are more ‘ready to learn’
before we explicitly try to tackle
something new.
Vladimir Sloutsky, study
co-author and professor of
psychology at Ohio State
University, explains: “We often
COMMUNITY
Theatre company shows there are
no limits to what we can achieve
While there are more than 14
million disabled people in the
UK, many still feel excluded from
society, as a survery by the charity
Scope reveals that 32% of diasbled
people still feel there is a lot of
prejudice against them. But, there
are people taking action to create
opportunities and fighting for
equality for those with disabilities.
Photography | Chris Christodoulou
When her job as an activity
coordinator for adults with
learning disabilities had its
public funding cut, Elaine Ball, a
qualified fitness instructor with
a background in the arts, was
concerned that the morale and
wellbeing of her members would
decline. She created the Wheely
observe new things out in the real
world without a goal of learning
about them. Simply being exposed
to them makes an impression in our
mind, and leads us to be ready to
learn about them later.”
The study, which included five
different experiments and 438
participants, showed similar results
across each experiment, with the
impact of real-world exposure
noted. Sloutsky believes that this
latest study is one of the few which
Different Theatre Company – a
creative outlet for adults with
disabilities, designed to encourage
them to live without limits.
What started as a 40-week
project, has become an award-
winning theatre company with
50 members, performing shows
including Dick Whittington in the
Hood and The Snow Queen.
But, more than that, it’s a
community where members can
feel at home. Fundraising officer
Samantha Leake said, “Before
Wheely Different, I felt like an
outsider looking in. Acceptance,
extended family, a feeling of
freedom, smiles, and support are
all priceless to me.”
shows evidence of latent learning
(our subconscious retaining
information without us realising it
until we later have the motivation or
incentive to display it).
So next time you’re thinking about
picking up a new language or trying
your hand at a different hobby, try
to get some real-world observation
under your belt before you make
the time to sit down and take your
learning to the next level.
Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford
It’s clear that this company has
given its members the confidence
and courage to achieve what they
thought was impossible, and
helped to improve their physical
and mental wellbeing.
And it’s true what they say:
you can do anything when you
put your mind to it. The Wheely
Different Theatre Company is a
shining example of exactly that!
Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird
happiful.com | Issue 64 | 9
10 | Issue 64 | happiful.com
WORK

Employees clock on
to the importance
of mental health
Scan any job listing these days and
you’ll usually find a list of employee
benefits, chosen to convince you
that this company is where you want
to be. The day off on your birthday,
summer hours, and subsidised
canteens are all tempting but,
apparently, they don’t top the wish
lists of job-seekers.
A study by Easy Offices looked at
the most popular employee benefits,
and found that companies that were
taking the mental health of their
employees seriously had a significant
advantage over those that weren’t.
Virtual counselling topped the list
of most popular benefits, followed
by insurance to help cover the cost
of mental health treatment, virtual
support groups, tools to build
mindfulness and resilience, and
training on how to help others with
mental health problems.
The study also tracked an increase
in the number of companies
embracing employee assistance
programmes. That said, a recent
YouGov poll found that only 57%
of employees knew about benefits
schemes at their work.
So, do you know what’s on the table
at your organisation? With demand
for wellbeing benefits rising, it’s safe
to say that these kinds of perks are
more than just a passing trend, and
working on your mental health could
be an inside job.
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

happiful.com | Issue 64 | 11
 How
Sea did yo
rc u
sho h 'free do?

Take 5
p.ha bies
to fi
nd t ppiful.c ' at
he o
and answe m
mor rs,
e!
Test your puzzling prowess with this
month’s brain-teasing challenges

Wordsearch H A E M I T H P H B
Eagle eyes at the ready – can
you spot the following 10 words E Y N P S N A C A O
in the grid? Bonus points if you
can identify the three words not B V D T P A S D P U
in the list!
H B O Q E C A E P N
• Sanctuary
• Peace E D R L A R F D I D
• Love
• Boundaries R N P A K C E N F A
• Bond
• Safe A E H B O N D U U R
• Endorphins
• Grounded H V I T N F R O L I
• Time
• Speak
S A N C T U A R Y E
F H S R R L F G E S
Anagrams
Unscramble the letters to reveal the secret words.
HINT: animals

CANAL PINFEATHER ARBOR LEAP

SCOOT UP EGO PIN

AKA DR VAR TORTE

 The Winds

wellbeing
wrap
of change
A ‘fan’-tastic new park
is being planned in Madrid,
Spain, to tackle soaring summer
temperatures. The urban park will be
designed to create an ‘air conditioning
For the first time, all
patients in a small Memory boost effect’, reducing city temperatures by
Actress and A study from East 4 degrees! Strategic landscaping
activist Laverne clinical trial saw their will draw in cool air to the ‘wind
Cox makes history cancer disappear! After Anglia University,
garden’, and disperse to local
as the model taking dostarlimab for six UK, suggests eating
for Mattel’s first
streets. Going green has
months, all 12 colorectal cranberries can never been so cool.
transgender
Barbie cancer patients showed improve memory,
a 100% success rate, and help prevent
and were considered dementia. Plus, In a true movie moment,
in remission after a cholesterol improved, 300+ people have
year. Further testing and circulation of joined forces to raise
is required, but it’s a nutrients to the brain. £100K, in an attempt to
promising breakthrough. Food for thought... save Oxford’s oldest,
Dutch start-up and only, independent
Lightyear have Plastic-free paradise on the horizon cinema from closure.
developed In some great eco news, it’s been reported that
the first solar-
powered electric
plastic waste on Australian beaches has reduced Something’s clicked
car, which it by 30% in the past six years. This rapid pace Ever considered how you
hopes to release of positive change is due to initiatives by local move your PC mouse, and
this year councils, including extra bins, notices reminding what this says about you?
people not to litter, and a hotline dedicated to Probably not, but, surprisingly,
reporting illegal waste dumping. This is a researchers have found a
clear sign that we can all clear up our link between our mouse
acts – and beaches. actions and personality
Renters reform types. They discovered
Ynyshir, in We all deserve the chance to make our combinations of movements
Wales, has been house a home, and now a new law looks set to support can indicate things, such
crowned the UK’s as fewer unnecessary
best restaurant,
that. The government recently announced a policy to
and is the first give tenants the legal right to own a pet, preventing clicks, slower movement,
eatery outside of landlords for putting blanket bans on animals. Property and more pauses being a
England to claim owners will need a ‘good reason’ to decline pet signal for agreeableness,
the award
requests, and given the benefits of pets on our mental conscientiousness, and
health, this seems like a wellbeing win for renters. openness.

A Yorkshire-based business, Banana Horsing around

Moon, has released the world’s first In an incredible feat, 37-year-old trail runner Ricky
‘anxiety hoody’. Created with the Lightfoot has become only the third person ever
To mark the 120th intention to provide sensory relief to win the ‘Man v Horse’ 36K race! Taking place
anniversary of
the classic tale, to wearers, the hoody features in Powys, Wales, Ricky beat 1,000 runners and 50
Beatrix Potter’s chewable toggles, a fidget popper, horses to the top spot, a full 2 minutes ahead of
Peter Rabbit and weighted pockets, helping to the first horse. The gruelling challenge, tackled so
features on a
new, coloured
redirect anxious energy, and move triumphantly, shows that we can all achieve what
£5 coin you from fight-or-flight to rest mode. seems impossible, if we set our mnds to it.
 Closing the orgasm gap
When it comes to climaxing, why are heterosexual
women drawing the short straw?
D
o you remember the
last time you orgasmed
during sex? According
to research, if you’re
a woman in a heterosexual
relationship, this question may
leave you scratching your head.
This is thanks to ‘the orgasm gap’
– a term that has been coined
to describe the discrepancies in
orgasms during sex.
Now, orgasms alone don’t define
satisfying sex, but there’s no
denying that orgasm for those
with vaginas tends to be less
prioritised. One study into the
orgasm gap by the International
Academy of Sex Research
found that 95% of heterosexual
men usually orgasm during
sex compared to just 65% of
heterosexual women. Other
studies concur, with the gap
widening during one-night stands
compared to sex in a long-term
relationship.
So, what’s happening here?
“The two main things to look
at with the orgasm gap are
what’s happening physically, and
what’s happening contextually/
psychologically,” sex and
relationship therapist Tabitha
Bast explains. “Sex is often seen
just as PIV (penis in vagina) sex in
heterosexual encounters, which,
14 | Issue 64 | happiful.com
Writing | Kat Nicholls
for many women who need
clitoral stimulation either directly
or indirectly, literally doesn’t
hit the spot. When we dismiss
everything else as foreplay, we
end up rushing through a whole
smorgasbord of pleasure.”
With so many of us seeing
penetration as the ‘main event’,
we can easily dismiss other acts
with potential for pleasure. This
is a cultural issue, and we only
have to look at mainstream media
to notice it. When did you last
see a sex scene where a person
with a vagina climaxed outside of
penetration? Recognising that sex
can encompass a range of activites
could be a big step forward.
Noting the numbers regarding
orgasms during one-night stands,
Tabitha says: “Orgasm is about
the brain, not just the body! If you
don’t trust the person you’re naked
with, that’s a massive barrier to
pleasure. Saying that, an end
to violence against women and
girls would be the most useful
move for closing the orgasm gap:
there needs to be enough safety
for everyone to take fun risks
together.”
There are certainly wider
societal issues that need to be
addressed, but is there anything
we can do on an individual level?
“Women knowing about their
own bodies is a good start, and
men knowing about women’s
bodies is a good second start,” says
Tabitha.
Educating ourselves about
anatomy, and the clitorus in
particular, can help us understand
what feels good for those who need
this type of stimulation to orgasm.
Not sure where to start? We love
Kama, an app with an inclusive
approach to sex education that has
pleasure at its heart.
Communication is another tool
to utilise, according to Tabitha.
Not just about what feels good and
what doesn’t, but being honest
about how we’re feeling.
“If people are trying to fake
being super cool and confident
when they’re actually unsure and
anxious, that’s not conducive to
good sex,” Tabitha says.
“There’s an unhelpful myth that
men should automatically know
how to please their partners, and
actually how one person orgasms
is not the same as the next. The
vast majority of people – whatever
their gender – want their partners
to have a good time, to be desired,
and intimacy and connection, even
in a one-night stand.”
So, if you’re not feeling sexually
satisfied, an honest conversation
 is a great first step. Taking the
pressure off can also help, with
Tabitha recommending we focus
on pleasure more widely, without
trying so hard to ‘finish’.
“Slow everything down and take
turns sometimes, don’t always
focus on mutuality,” Tabitha
recommends. “Schedule time in
bed naked together at least twice a
week, to touch and talk; focus on
an environment of closeness and
opportunity, and playfulness.”
And if you’re going through
a dry patch, you’re not alone.
But keeping that part of your
relationship alive doesn’t have to
be hard.
“Let your partner know you
desire them as an invite, not a
demand. If you keep a closeness
and attraction always bubbling,
it’s easier to get into actual sex –
resentment and irritability are
huge passion killers.
“Sex isn’t a performance; the
idea an individual is ‘good in
bed’ is super unhelpful. Sex is a
conversation, a dynamic, it is the
interplay, and the relationship
between the paticipants.”
It’s easy for us to forget what sex
is about at its core – connection.
Whether we’re connecting with
ourselves or a partner, we deserve
to feel seen and to feel pleasure.

Orgasm is about
the brain, not Tabitha Bast is a sex and

just the body! relationship therapist. Find out more

at counselling-directory.org.uk
 Take a deep breath
For a regular route to relaxation, try this diaphragmatic
breathing exercise to help induce calm

1. Get comfortable, either lying down on
your back, with your knees bent over a
pillow, or sitting upright in a chair.
2. Take one hand and place it flat against
your chest. Then place your other hand
flat against your stomach.
4. When you’re ready, breathe slowly
through pursed lips.
5. What you’re aiming for is that, with time,
your chest won’t rise, and it’ll solely be
your stomach moving as you breathe fully
from your diaphragm.

3. Take slow, deep breaths in through your

nose, keeping your hands in position and Enjoy this for a few moments of focused
feeling the one on your stomach gently mindfulness and connection to your body,
rise and fall with each breath. with stress beginning to melt away.

16 | Issue 64 | happiful.com

The ultimate guide to
establishing healthy
relationship boundaries
Knowing what we’re willing to share, who has access to our inner circle, and
when questions are crossing the line is one thing, but expressing it effectively is
another. Here, we’re exploring how to set and maintain healthy boundaries
B
oundaries are how
we teach the world to
treat us. They are all
about what is and isn’t
acceptable, and draw the line
between who we are, and who
the world wants us to be.
Particularly when interacting
with another human who has
different priorities, needs, and
desires, boundaries are crucial
in order to not blend into each
other, and to be able to separate
what they want from what we
need. When we are unable to do
that, this is when codependency,
enmeshment, and simple
confusion can occur. We lose
sight of who we are, and our own
identity when our daily decisions
are formed by what others are
asking of us.
When we lack confidence, it
is tempting to cave to everyone
around us, as we might be
insecure that if we don’t, we will
lose the people in our lives. This
is why the easiest and simplest
Writing | Michelle Elman
boundary, the one we first learn,
is actually quite a hard word to
say: no. When we are able to
use our no accurately, our yes
becomes more powerful.
Unfortunately, when we say no
though, it can be inconvenient
to others, and if you don’t stand
behind your no, you leave
yourself vulnerable to change
your mind simply to make things
easier for them. It can be really
upsetting when people only want
you around for what you can do
for them, but, over time, you will
reap the benefits of boundary
setting. You will have more time
and energy, you can say goodbye
to burnout, and all the anger
and resentment you are keeping
inside you every time one of your
boundaries is crossed can finally
be relieved.
Here, we’re sharing some
essential tips on how you can
implement and maintain healthy
boundaries in the three main
relationship areas of your life.
an open mind
FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS
One of the biggest complaints I
hear about family relationships
is that family members feel
entitled to their opinions about
your life, your job, your romantic
relationships, and your body.
How you can create a boundary
around this is by limiting the
information they have access to.
This can be by stating: “I’m not
ready to share that with you yet,
but I’ll let you know when I am
ready.” If they don’t know, they
can’t have an opinion about it.
But, what if it’s too late and
they already know? Then try
saying: “I have already made my
decision, and your opinions are
not needed. I would appreciate it
if you could be supportive.”
When it comes to conversations
about your body, I encourage you
to be firmer. Your body should
never be up for discussion at
a family event, and we need
to stop normalising everyone
commenting on changes in >>>
happiful.com | Issue 64 | 17

our appearance. In those
situations, I simply state: “Please
WHEN WE ARE stop commenting on my body.”
If this persists, I then say: “If
ABLE TO USE OUR you continue talking about my
N O A C C U R A T E L Y, body, I am going to leave this
conversation, and you can come
OUR YES BECOMES find me when you are ready to
MORE POWERFUL talk about something else.”
18 | Issue 64 | happiful.com
FRIENDSHIPS
In my book, The Joy of Being
Selfish, I explain that it is
OK to have different tiers of
friendships. Friends are allowed
to have different amounts of
access to you, and some friends
are allowed to be a higher
priority than others.
Deciding who is your inner
circle, and who sits slightly
further out, allows you to put
up boundaries and selectively
choose who gets access to more
vulnerable parts of you. This
is not because some are better
friends than others (although it
can be!), but, instead, because the
healthiest people have a whole
support network. It is OK to have
friends for different occasions.
Some are your friends you go to
when you are crying, and some
are your party friends, and we all
need some of both.
The other issue that arises
in friendships is that, as we
age, our time becomes more in
demand, and therefore we might
not be able to go to every party
or reply to every text instantly.
For invitations or events, it’s
important your friends respect
your first no, and trying to
pressure a friend into attending
is creating bad boundaries. You
do not have to give a reason for
declining; your no is enough. If
someone continues to persist,
then I reinforce the boundary
by saying, “I already said no,
and I need you to respect my
decision.”
When it comes to texting, we
need to stop measuring how
much someone loves and cares
about us based on how quickly
they respond. This is where
we have to understand that the
world does not revolve around
us, and their silence may not
be personal. They could be
going through something and,
as their friend, they are owed a
little benefit of the doubt. If it
is upsetting you, communicate
that rather than testing them.
Try a simple, “Hey! I miss you,
haven’t heard from you in a
while, and wanted to check if
you are OK?” Give them the
trust you would hope would be
extended back to you when you
get busy.
ROMANTIC
RELATIONSHIPS
It’s important to remember
that your partner is not
literally your ‘other half’;
you are not one person, and
DECIDING WHO IS YOUR INNER
C I R C L E , A N D W H O S I T S S L I G H T LY
F U R T H E R O U T, A L L O W S YO U T O P U T
U P B O U N D A R I E S A N D S E L E C T I V E LY
CHOOSE WHO GETS ACCESS TO
MORE VULNERABLE PARTS OF YOU
setting good boundaries the relationship without them,
is about maintaining your it’s a lot harder to put them
independence within a in place when they have got
romantic relationship. used to you being a people-
We all hate it when we have pleaser (or worse, a pushover!).
that person who dips in and out If things end, whether it’s
of our life depending on their ghosting or otherwise, hold
relationship status, so don’t your boundaries by deleting
be that person. Having good their messages, phone number,
boundaries means doing what and social media. You shouldn’t
you say you are going to do, and have to convince someone to
being reliable when you make want you, and by knowing your
plans, so no dipping out of your worth, you begin the healing
commitments with friends just process faster.
because a date comes along.
When it comes to the early
stages of dating, remember
they are a stranger. You should
not be putting them at the top
of your priority list instantly.
Let the trust build slowly, and
let them demonstrate via their
behaviour that they are allowed
more of your time and energy.
We sometimes think we can’t
communicate boundaries early
on because what if it scares ‘The Joy Of Being Selfish: Why you
them off? I say let them be need boundaries and how to set
them’ by Michelle Elman is available
scared off by boundaries. You from all good book retailers
want to set a precedent for (Welbeck, £8.99). Follow Michelle on
boundaries and if you establish Instagram @scarrednotscared
happiful.com | Issue 64 | 19
 How to get
grounded
When things get tough, bring yourself back
to the moment with these tips
Writing | Jodi Pilcher Gordon
W
e all experience
anxiety or stress at
different points in our
lives. It’s a normal and natural
response to difficult times, and
it can help us to take action
when we need to. Sometimes,
however, we can get stuck in
anxious thoughts and feelings,
to the point where it feels
overwhelming. Grounding is an
easy, practical set of techniques
that I teach my clients, which can
help to restore some balance to
your day.
When we are anxious or
stressed, our nervous system
goes into ‘fight or flight’ mode.
Our ‘back brain’ (the amygdala
and limbic system), takes over,
and our bodies are flooded with
hormones such as adrenaline
and cortisol. We might feel
our heart rate increase,
20 | Issue 64 | happiful.com
Artwork | Charlotte Reynell
have repetitive thoughts, or
general feelings of fear or
anger. Grounding soothes our
fraught nervous system and
brings our prefrontal cortex, or
‘front brain’, back online so we
return to the present moment,
and are able to function.
So, how do you do it?
1. Breathe!
My absolute top tip for
grounding is to concentrate on
your breathing. It might sound
obvious, but I teach people
every day how to breathe
properly, and the results can
be amazing. The key is to focus
on the exhale, not the inhale.
This lets your body know that
it is safe, and brings calm
quickly. Try a simple count,
like inhaling for four seconds,
and exhaling for seven, to

keep you focused. Also, be sure
to inhale into your diaphragm.
The simplest way to do this is to
imagine you are blowing up your
belly like a balloon when you
breathe in.
2. 5-4-3-2-1 sensing
This exercise is great for bringing
your attention to your body, and
helps you to feel more centred as
you tune-in to the physical, and
away from any difficult thoughts.
Start by saying five things you can
see out loud. It might be objects
in a room, or a detail about a
blade of grass. Next, say out loud
four things you can feel. Notice
sensations such as your feet on
the floor, or your hands on your
knees. Pick up an object and feel
it fully. Now say three things
you can hear. Noises outside,
inside, a ticking clock, your
own breathing. Then two things
you can smell, perhaps a waft
through the window, or your own
clothing. Finally, say out loud one
thing you can taste. If you have a
sweet or snack nearby, pop it in
your mouth and savour it fully.
Finish by noticing how you feel,
usually you can appreciate a
sense of being ‘back in the room’.
3. Mind games
A great technique for bringing
your ‘front brain’ back online is
to complete mental exercises.
These can also have the added
bonus of distracting you from
worrying thoughts and feelings.
My favourite one is to count
backwards from 1,000. Other
examples you could try are
spelling the names of your family
members backwards, counting
all the things you can see in your
room that are a certain colour,
naming as many films, books, or
countries as you can that begin
with a certain letter, or picking an
object and describing it mindfully
using all of your senses.
Grounding
soothes
our fraught
nervous
system
4. Body shaking
Another one that’s great for
tuning-in to the physical, this
exercise is also helpful for
releasing and relaxing muscles
that have become tense due to a
stressful day. Start by standing up
straight, feet hip-distance apart,
pelvis tucked in, and focus on
wellbeing
allowing space and length into
your spine. Balance your head,
imagining it is suspended from a
fine cord dangling down from the
ceiling. Take a few breaths, and
focus on your feet being grounded
and connected to the floor.
Now, start to shake your wrists,
letting them be loose and floppy.
Continue up into your elbows,
letting your arms dangle at the
same time. Continue to move the
shaking up into your shoulders
and your whole body. Just shake
your body, letting everything go,
perhaps rising on your heels and
feeling the shake as you ground
back down to the floor. You might
also want to turn from side to side,
whatever your body feels it needs
to do is fine. Keep going for a few
minutes at least. When you come
to a stop, get back into the relaxed
standing stance again and notice
what changed, maybe a fizzing in
the body, or a welcome sense of
clarity.
Jodi Pilcher Gordon is an integrative
counsellor and wellbeing tutor. Find out
more by visiting counselling-directory.org.uk
happiful.com | Issue 64 | 21
 Travelling with toddlers
We all could do with a good break, but holidaying with little ones
can be a challenge in itself. So, if the thought of some time away
with a toddler is leaving you stressed, our columnist Grace Victory
is here to share some first-hand tips and relatable advice to help
you enjoy making some magical memories together
Writing | Grace Victory

A
h, the sheer joy (and
chaos) of going on
holiday with your
toddler. As a family,
we just got back from our first
sunny holiday to Turkey and,
after not travelling for two years,
it was bloody wonderful to put
our toes in the sea, eat Lays with
a Fanta on the balcony, and chase
our little boy around a pool all
day, because he’s a lightning-
speed crawler!
Going on holiday with children
is a completely different
experience, and one that you
have to embrace and surrender
to. You won’t necessarily be able
to sit on a lounger reading for
hours, but making memories
and showing them little corners
of the world makes everything
worthwhile.
Our trip was… intense! When
people say “going on holiday
is just parenting while being
hot”, they are absolutely right.
My partner and I had to tag-
team mealtimes, de-escalate
mini meltdowns in front of
other holiday-goers, and, yes,
there were moments we felt
embarrassed and as if everyone
must think we’re bad parents.
Truth be told though, Cyprus
found his voice on our holiday,
and wanted to use it to shout at
every opportunity – but that’s
just kids, and while it can be
hard when you feel like you
can’t control a situation, it is
absolutely normal for children
to test your boundaries, even
when you’re in paradise.
So, what I’m trying to say is
going abroad with your little
ones in tow is hard, but there
are ways to manage, things I
recommend for the plane, and
little tips and tricks we did to
minimise stress.
On the plane
Take lots of games and things
to keep your kids entertained.
Reusable sticker books, suction
toys to stick on the window,
their most loved book, and a
tablet to watch their favourite
shows (remember to download
episodes at home so they can
watch without WiFi).
I also recommend snacks
upon snacks upon snacks. When
you think you’ve packed enough
snacks, pack more. I opted for
crisps, cut up pieces of fruit, and
then some trusty Ella’s Kitchen
pouches. And we fed our little
boy a proper meal before the
flight to make sure he was full
enough for the four hours we
were in the air.
Use packing cubes for your
hand luggage to separate
changing stuff, feeding stuff,
important documents etc., so
you have easy access to things!
Don’t forget to pack spare outfits
for both your kids and you in
case any accidents occur. There
is nothing worse than being
covered in sick, and you haven’t
packed a fresh pair of leggings.
On holiday
It goes without saying that
children shouldn’t be in the
sun for long periods of time, so
taking a UV pop-up tent with
you is a great idea! You can use
it next to the pool, on the beach,
or on the grass. It’s a great way

22 | Issue 64 | happiful.com

for them to be in the shade and
cool, and it’s a place they can also
play and snack too!
A portable fan that clicks onto
your pram is also a good idea to
keep your little one cool. You can
get these for a reasonable price
on Amazon.
You can often buy pool toys
at the hotel. We initially took a
bunch of silicone toys with us
as a more sustainable option,
but actually while we were
Grace and her son, Cyprus
there, Cyprus just wanted to
play with the same toys as
the other children, which is
understandable. You can then
leave them at reception or with
the pool staff for other guests to
use after you’ve left. This includes
inflatables, and those water
guns that should not be allowed,
because I cannot tell you how
many kids soaked me!
Take everything you could
possibly need for every possible
@GRACEFVICTORY
It is absolutely
normal for children
to test your
boundaries, even
when you’re in
paradise
illness or problem. Things for
teething, bites, sore throats,
bad tummies, nappy rashes,
and more! There is nothing
worse than a poorly bubba, and
failing to prepare for it! Boots
online have an entire section for
medical kids travel – utilise it,
and thank me later.
General tips
Remember holidays with kids
will be different to adult-only
holidays. Take things day by day
(or hour by hour if you need),
and have little expectations.
Embrace the chaos, and try
to enjoy making all of those
wonderful memories.
Remember, the holiday is for
the kids too, so let them eat ice
cream, stay up later than usual,
and have crisps for dinner. Let
the fun commence.
Love
Grace x
happiful.com | Issue 64 | 23
 When things change inside
you, things change around you
UNKNOWN

Photography | Blake Guidry

24 | Issue 64 | happiful.com
 Signs you’re a workaholic
(and what you can do about it)
Long hours, overtime, weekend side-hustles – is it possible to be
too career driven? We share common signs of overworking, and
how to create a healthier work-life balance
Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

I
t’s hard to deny: we live in a
culture where hard work is
highly valued. People love
to be seen to be pushing
hard, putting in more and more
hours, climbing their way up
the career ladder, or making the
leap to become their own boss.
Having a strong work ethic can,
of course, be a positive thing. But
when you forget to keep a healthy
balance, you can risk all that time
and effort going to waste. After
all, what’s the point in pushing
yourself to the top, if you aren’t
able to enjoy it once you get there?
What is a workaholic?
While it’s not a clinical diagnosis,
the phrase ‘workaholic’ is
commonly used to describe a
person who compulsively works
excessively hard, long hours.
Beyond loving or being committed
to your job, those who experience
work addiction feel unable to detach
themselves from work, and may
experience severe guilt or stress at
the thought of switching off.
While high-pressure
environments, constant deadlines,
and high stakes can result in a
culture of overworking, anyone can
cross the line from being a hard
worker into being a workaholic, no
matter what their job is.
What’s the impact?
Studies have shown that work
addiction is often linked with
high levels of stress, anxiety,
depression, and trouble sleeping.
Over a prolonged period of
time, chronic stress can lead
to physical health problems,
including headaches and high
blood pressure.
When considering the impact
this can have on your home life,
and career, accredited life and
career coach Alana Leggett says,
“Excess in any area of your life is
a bad idea. In holistic coaching,
we strive for balance in all
areas. Work, particularly, can
be a stressful environment, and
that’s why it’s important to have
downtime,” Alana says. “In fact,
excessive stress and lack of rest
can lead to increases in cortisol
(the stress hormone), which can
affect your health, your immune
system, and sleep.” >>>

happiful.com | Issue 64 | 25
 You cannot show up as the
best version of yourself if you
are not nourishing that version
Now we know the impact,
what are the signs we should
be looking for, to understand if
our relationship with work has
become unhealthy?
Signs you might
be a workaholic
• You find yourself working
more than you had planned.
This could be regularly working
overtime, skipping lunch
breaks, and starting early or
finishing late.
• Your health is impacted by
work. You may experience
stress, lack of sleep, or
headaches.
• You try to think of new ways
you can free up more time for
work, instead of ways to reduce
your workload.
• You use work as a way of
coping with uncomfortable
feelings, which could include
guilt, anxiety, depression, or
helplessness.
• Hobbies, exercise, or spending
time relaxing are no longer a
priority. You spend free time
thinking about work, instead of
living in the moment and giving
yourself a moment to relax.
• You can’t remember the last
time you took a break from
work-related calls or messages.
• Your schedule leaves you no
time for friends, family, or
romantic relationships.
26 | Issue 64 | happiful.com
• You feel unable to ‘switch
off’ during evenings and
weekends, or feel like taking a
holiday is impossible.
• Getting or staying asleep is
difficult, or you regularly
experience poor quality sleep.
• You forget about other issues
in your life as work is your top
priority.
• You find yourself thinking
about work all the time. You
simply can’t switch off.
• You feel uneasy, guilty, or sick
when you aren’t able to work.
• Friends, family, or colleagues
have expressed they are
worried about you, or
think you should cut back
on your work, hours, or
responsibilities.
• You struggle to know yourself
outside of your job.
Is work-life balance the real
key to getting ahead?
As with all great things in life,
balance is key. But if you love
what you do, does it matter if
others call you a workaholic?
If you’re neglecting other areas
of your life, it could be time to
redress the balance.
Alana explains, “If you love
what you do (congrats if so!),
then you probably want to give
it your best effort, ideas, energy,
and attention, because you are
genuinely passionate about it.
“You cannot show up as the
best version of yourself if you
are not nourishing that version,
and to do so, you need a proper
work-life balance – rest, moving
your body, good nutrition, social
time, and downtime. These
things tend to be the first to
go when work takes over and,
ironically, they all contribute to
a version of you who will be able
to show up with more energy,
perform better, and have some
of your best ideas.”
Having a positive work-life
balance can help us to build
more meaningful relationships,
relax, and de-stress. When
you forget to look after all
of the parts of your life, you
risk pushing yourself towards
exhaustion, and even burnout,
which, in the long-term, could
negatively impact your life as a
whole, including the work you
love.
How to stop being
a workaholic
1. Admit you might have an
issue. The first step towards
change is admitting you
might have a problem.
2. Take time for reflection.
Are there any reasons why
you feel compelled to work
so much? Writing down how
work makes you feel – and

how not working makes you
feel – could help you to identify
some of the underlying issues
that need to be addressed.
3. Set goals. What is it you are
missing from your life? What
do you hope to achieve by
finding a better work-life
balance? Visualising where you
want to be in one, three, or five
years isn’t just a valuable tool
for your career, it can help you
with your personal life, too.
4. Define your boundaries.
This can help you to begin
taking back time for you. It
could mean no work emails
after 5pm, leaving your phone
turned off each weekend, or
committing to a class once
a week to help you switch
off and engage in something
enjoyable, enriching, or
meaningful to you. Boundaries
can help remind you that there
is life outside of work.
5. Speak out. This could involve
opening up with friends, family,
or colleagues to talk about
how you’re feeling, pressures
you are under, or changes you
want to make. Working with a
professional can provide a safe,
judgement-free environment
to help you open up, recognise
and challenge unhealthy
coping mechanisms, and move
towards a healthier work-life
balance.
How coaching can help
Working with a coach can help
you find new ways of balancing
work, life, and everything in
between. Alana explains, “In
xxxxxxxxxxxx
any area of holistic coaching,
we look to empower clients to
become more aware of their
patterns, so they can build
practical routines and habits that
promote balance and wellbeing.
Having the right habits in place,
and the accountability, supports
real change and allows anyone
to make progress toward their
goal, in a balanced and far more
enjoyable way!”
Alana Leggett is an accredited life and
career coach empowering women.
To find out more about coaching for
a healthier work-life balance, visit
lifecoach-directory.org.uk
happiful.com | Issue 64 | 27
Ask the experts
How can I boost my energy naturally?
Reiki practitioner Sheri Werner answers
your questions on energy and burnout
Read more about Sheri Werner on Therapy Directory.
Q
If I’m feeling low on
energy, how can I give
myself a natural boost?
A Moving your body in
whatever way feels
accessible and enjoyable to you
will activate energy. Whether
it’s a quick stretching sequence,
some gardening, a kitchen
Q
Burnout is becoming
more and more
common. Are there any
ways we can overcome
it, holistically?
A The multifaceted nature
of burnout requires an
approach to prevention or
recovery that considers the whole
person. Working with, not against,
your natural energy flow is key.
Therapy Directory is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need
dance to your favourite song, or
a swim, run, or team sport, your
whole system will benefit from
movement.
Going out for a walk is especially
beneficial, because as well as
being a load-bearing exercise, it
is non-competitive, suitable for
all levels of fitness, provides some
vitamin D, and exposes us to the
If you have bursts of energy,
followed by periods where you
need to rest and reflect, pushing
on through day after day may
leave you feeling depleted.
Your energy cycles may follow a
daily, weekly, monthly, or annual
pattern (and there may be cycles
within cycles). Once you’ve
tracked when you naturally
have less energy, you can make
changes and set boundaries for
your wellbeing.
calming effects of the natural
world. There are many ‘walk
and talk’ groups around the UK
that help us to connect to our
communities, too! Activities that
incorporate mindful movement,
breathwork, and meditation
can be especially supportive
of optimal energy flow – think
yoga or Tai Chi.
Identifying your current
values, and checking that
you’re expending precious
energy on people and activities
that really matter to you, can
help you live a purposeful life
and defend against burnout.
A relaxation or meditation
practice that you attend to
daily can also be useful to
combat unhelpful thoughts and
beliefs that drive perfectionistic
behaviour, too.

Q
How can alternative
and complementary
therapies support our
zest for life?
A A holistic therapy session is
usually focused on bringing
the body and mind back into a
state of alignment, empowering
us to make healthy choices
that support our goals and
relationships. It is consciously
carved-out time to attend to our
self-care, enabling us to switch
off and relax. The body and mind
can return to a more balanced
state, conducive to physical,
emotional and mental processing
and recovery.
As therapists are generally
able to conduct hour-long
appointments, there is no sense of
being rushed, so the session can
feel very nurturing and calming.
Often, talking things through with
a compassionate listener who is
trained to consider your holistic
wellbeing will help you arrive at
new solutions that support your
physical, mental, and emotional
health. Taking this opportunity
to rest, reset, and return to your
own place of inner balance and
wisdom can assist you in staying
energetic and motivated.
Sheri’s top tips for
improving energy:
1. Get the basics right – nutrition,
hydration, exercise, and sleep.
GPs, social prescribing, and
wellbeing services provide free
courses, advice, and workshops
to help.
2. Slow down and introduce a
reflective practice into your
routine to help you feel more
calm, present, and aware of
your holistic needs. Try listening
to a piece of relaxing music,
colouring, journaling, or cloud/
people/bird watching for five
minutes. Consider introducing a
short mindful breathing exercise
and build it up, eventually
aiming for 20 minutes of
mindfulness or meditation in the
morning and evening.
3. Try a complementary therapy
that specifically works with
energy flow, such as yoga, Reiki,
sound therapy, or acupuncture.
Experiment with different
appointment times in tune with
your energy levels. For example,
some of my clients choose to
come for Reiki in the morning as
they find it energising, whereas
others prefer an evening
appointment to help them
prepare for sleep.
happiful.com | Issue 64 | 29
 Happiful recommends
From a moving documentary to a new challenge, and an app that will improve
your communication, try something fresh with our insightful suggestions
Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird

3
ACT OF KINDNESS

Post a Sue Ryder sympathy card to a loved one

1
No one should have to go through the grieving process
alone, but sometimes it can be difficult to find the right words. As part
of a bereavement campaign, the Sue Ryder charity has launched a
limited-edition pack of four beautifully designed postcards that you can
send to someone on their grieving journey. Order your free pack online,
and have it delivered to your door. (Visit sueryder.org for more)
PAGE-TURNERS

I didn’t do the thing today
by Madeleine Dore
In a society of goal-setters, it can
feel like you’re always playing
the catch-up game to try to be
as productive as your friends
and colleagues, but author
Madeleine Dore tells us why it’s
4
LEND US YOUR EARS
‘Table Manners’
Mother and daughter duo Jessie and Lennie Ware invite
celebrity guests, from Michael Bublé to David Schwimmer,
to talk about all things food, family, and more. The down-to-
earth nature of the podcast really makes you feel like you’re part of a family
conversation around your own dining table. Listen to it today, and don’t
forget to bring your table manners! (Available on all podcast platforms)

5
OK not to achieve everything
on your to-do list, and instead PLUGGED-IN
encourages us to embrace the
unpredictability of life. It’s Lennie
(Murdoch Books, £12.99) Lennie is the digital

2
best friend you
OUT AND ABOUT didn’t know you
needed in your life – until now!
Nature walk bingo The endearing, animated blob
Bingo doesn’t just is a TikTok creator that shares
have to be reserved wholesome content to support one
for community halls; why not mission: to help people get through
incorporate it into your daily walk for a fun way to keep you active the day. Life can be challenging,
and connected to nature? Being present in the moment and but Lennie is there to reassure
trying to spot what’s around you will allow you to see things that you that it’s all OK, with gentle
might have usually passed you by. You might be surprised with reminders and heart-warming
what you see when you open your mind to it… videos. (Follow @itslennie on
(Turn to p82 to try Happiful’s own nature bingo on your next walk) TikTok and Instagram)

30 | Issue 64 | happiful.com
 culture

7
TECH TIP-OFFS

Paired
Whether you want to improve communication within your

6
LESSON LEARNED relationship, or you just want to get to know your partner
better, this #1 relationship app has it all! Designed by
Try the downshifting relationship experts and academics, the app uses daily prompts and
challenge fun quizzes to initiate meaningful conversations with your partner, and
As the cost of living increases, encourage a deeper connection. (Available on the App Store)
money saving expert Martin Lewis

8
is encouraging everyone to try
the ‘downshift challenge’, which
involves dropping down a brand
level in your weekly food shops.
With expert advice on recognising
promotional language, and
having the understanding of
various levels of brands, you
can cut your food bill drastically,
without compromising on taste.
(Visit moneysavingexpert.com to
find out more)
GET GOING
parkrun
As we step into warmer days,
parkruns are the go-to way to get
active. But these runs offer much
more than just a 5K lap around the
park. Whether you’re running to
beat a personal best, or running
with a group of friends for a bit of
fun, parkruns are an example of WIN!
bringing the community together

9
through fitness. WIN FASHION
SQUARE EYES (Visit parkrun.org.uk for more) DESIGNER TABITHA WEBB’S
‘IRIDESCENT’ FRAGRANCE
Joe Wicks: Facing My Childhood
Seeing your loved one go through challenging times can For your chance to win
be hard, especially for a child. Fitness instructor Joe Wicks a 50ml bottle, simply
bares all in his emotionally raw documentary about facing the ups email your answer to the
and downs of his childhood with his parents and their mental health following question to
struggles. His mission is with connect to other families who are going competitions@happiful.com
through similar difficulties. (Available on BBC iPlayer)
Which is the most common

10
TREAT YOURSELF pulse point on the body for
applying perfume?
Tabitha Webb Iridescent fragrance
If you’re looking for a perfume to brighten up your day, fashion a) On your knee
designer Tabitha Webb has exactly what you need. In collaboration b) On your wrist
with Superdrug, the fragrance was designed as part of the ‘Colour’ c) In your hair
collection to raise funds for Great Ormond Street Hospital. The
*Competition closes 31 August 2022. UK
beautiful fragrance is packed with complementing scents such as mainland and Northern Ireland only.
mandarin and salted vanilla. (£25, Superdrug) Good luck! T&Cs apply.

happiful.com | Issue 64 | 31
 Minority
stress
What is it, and how does it affect
the diverse groups within the
LGBTQIA+ community?
Writing | Alessandra Vescio

T
alking about
mental health is
never easy, but it
seems harder to
break the stigma when it
comes to LGBTQIA+ people.
As the artist and writer Alok
Vaid-Menon wrote in their
blog article “Impossibility
of gender non-conforming
life”, there are so many
words to describe the physical
violence that happens to the publishing reports that reveal heterosexual people, and are
LGBTQIA+ community every day, shocking and alarming data. more likely to indulge in harmful
but many fewer words, and less For example, NHS Digital’s first behaviours, such as drinking or
attention, on the psychological report on the health behaviours smoking at levels that may put
aspect of being queer. of lesbian, gay, and bisexual them at risk.
It’s only relatively recently that adults was only published in According to a report published
organisations and researchers 2021, and showed that LGB adults by Stonewall and YouGov in
have focused on the wellbeing have worse mental health, and 2018, 52% of LGBTQIA+ British
of the LGBTQIA+ community, poorer health outcomes, than people said they had experienced

32 | Issue 64 | happiful.com

depression in the previous year,
46% of transgender people had
thought about taking their own
life, and 41% of non-binary
people had harmed themselves.
Further 2019 research by the
organisations revealed that bi
people reported experiencing
depression even more than gay
and lesbian people.
The researchers say this is
due to the environment and the
society we live in, where not
only physical and psychological
abuse against the LGBTQIA+
community happens every day,
but also the threat and fear of
discrimination itself can have
a significant impact on mental
health. This phenomenon is
called ‘minority stress’.
What is minority stress?
Dr Sara Colognesi, a psychologist
and psychotherapist, explains:
“Several social and psychological
theoretical orientations describe
the concept of minority stress as
a relationship between minority
and dominant values, and the
resultant conflict with the social
environment experienced by
minority group members.”
She continues: “This
theory suggests that sexual
minority health disparities
can be explained in large part
by stressors induced by a
homophobic and hostile culture,
which often results in a lifetime
of harassment, maltreatment,
and discrimination, and may
ultimately impact access to care.”
Coined by Dr Winn Kelly Brooks,
and mentioned for the first time
in her book Minority Stress and
LGBTQIA+ people may live at the
intersection of more than one
marginalised identity, so they
might experience chronic stress
in several areas of their lives
Lesbian Women in 1981, minority
stress theory has been studied
by many researchers over the
years. For example, psychiatric
epidemiologist Professor Ilan
H Meyer explained in 2007 how
stigma and fear of discrimination
may generate psychological
distress in queer people.
As Dr Colognesi explains: “The
most common manifestations of
suffering from minority stress
are experiences of prejudice and
microaggressions, expectations
of rejection, hiding, concealing,
internalised homophobia,
hypervigilance, and experience
of chronic shame, and this may
wellbeing
lead to the development of
disorders commonly associated
with chronic stress, depression,
and PTSD symptoms.”
The consequences of this
include, for example, that queer
people are more likely to use
and abuse drugs and alcohol,
and tend to avoid treatment
and seek healthcare for fear of
discrimination.
“We also need to remember that
LGBTQIA+ people may live in the
intersection of more than one
marginalised identity – such as
race, disability, or obesity – so they
might experience chronic stress,
with different nuances, in several
areas of their lives.”
Minority stress and coming out
We live in a society that assumes
that all human beings are
heterosexual, that their gender
always matches with their sex, >>>
happiful.com | Issue 64 | 33
 that there are only two sexes and
two genders, and that everyone is
sexually and romantically attracted
to other people, even though it has
been proved many times that the
reality is more complex than this.
But if no one around you
explains, or shows to you,
that heteronormativity (the
concept that heterosexuality
is the preferred or normal
mode of sexual orientation),
gender, allonormativity (all
humans experience sexual
attraction to other people) and
amatonormativity (all humans
pursue love or romance, especially
by means of a monogamous
long-term relationship) are social
constructs and not a requirement,
it can be really hard to listen,
discover, and love yourself,
especially if you are very young. 11% of LGBTQIA+ people faced sexual and affective education
Living in an environment where domestic abuse from a partner in all school grades, including
queer people are ridiculed, in 2017, with the highest rates teaching staff and families, as
belittled, silenced, abused, and reached among ethnic minorities well as updating the curricula
hated, can cause denial, fear, and disabled people. of health-related university
shame, and guilt, and experiencing In addition, 35% of LGBTQIA+ faculties, so that LGBTQIA+
the feeling of being forced to hide people have hidden or disguised people can access health
your own identity can generate their gender identity or sexual services without having to fear
mental health disorders. orientation because of the fear of invalidation, discrimination, and
Many queer people still cannot discrimination, while bi people medical gaslighting. And all those
live authentically because they live are more likely to not come out useless and harmful practices
or work in an unsafe environment to friends and family for fear of such as ‘conversion therapies’
and, in this regard, some research prejudice. should be outlawed,” she says.
has revealed alarming figures. As we fight for a more equal
For instance, 25% of transgender What we need to do society, it is also vital to validate
people in 2018 in the UK said Dr Colognesi says: “Our society our emotions and seek help when
that they had experienced should follow the guidelines of the needed. Many LGBTQIA+ specific
homelessness at some point in World Health Organization, which organisations offer support
their lives; gay and lesbian people clearly state that human beings to queer people, giving them
are less likely to be invited to a job present a natural variance in sexual professional advice, organising
interview if they have conveyed and relational orientations and events, or simply showing a
their sexual orientation while gender identity, and guarantee that willingness to listen.
sharing previous expericing every citizen has the same rights. Often, just talking, feeling loved
working for, or volunteering with, “Governments should also and part of a community, can be
an LGBTQIA+ organisation; and provide correct information, and of great help.

34 | Issue 64 | happiful.com
 an open mind

The ultimate
mindset
reset
If you were told that you have the capability to achieve anything you want,
would you accept it, or would you begin to think about all of the things that
would get in your way? It’s time to end all that negativity. Here, we set out
seven steps to help create unstoppable success from within
Writing | Laura Caunter

Y our mind doesn’t know

the difference between
positive and negative
thoughts. If you tell yourself
1. CHANGE YOUR PERSONAL
PRECONCEPTIONS
Your personal preconceptions
are made up of two layers: past
effect on you, and what limiting
beliefs you are holding on to as a
direct result of them.

you’re stupid or not good enough,
guess what? Your mind will
believe you. That one thought
will seep into your subconscious,
and every time something
doesn’t go to plan you will say:
“See? I knew I couldn’t do this.”
You reaffirm what you believe
is true, and it becomes a self-
fulfilling prophecy. But it’s time
to put a stop to this self-sabotage;
here are seven steps to help you
completely reset your brain when
you need it to step into your true
greatness!
experiences that have affected
you before; and the core beliefs
those experiences have created
within you.
The past experiences will have
had either a positive or negative
effect on the way you perceive
yourself. This will lead to the
beliefs and core values (the
current set of rules that you are
living your life by) which have
created your boundaries, fears,
and doubts.
Think about any memorable
moments that have had a negative
2. REWRITING YOUR PAST
According to a study by Dr Julia
Shaw, a psychological scientist
at University College London,
50% of your memories have been
distorted. This shows that our
brains cannot tell the difference
between true or false memories,
which subsequently can lead
to us changing the past and
accepting things as you see them
now, not necessarily how they
actually were.
When you think back to a
memory that was a negative >>>

happiful.com | Issue 64 | 35
 experience for you, ask
yourself these two questions:
what did I learn from that
experience? How has it made
me stronger?
Reflecting on these
questions allows your mind
to seek positivity. Release any
pain, forgive openly, and fuel
yourself with the strength
those experiences have
already given you.

3. START CREATING
THE NEW YOU
Your values are a list of things
that are important to you in
your life. Examples of these
could be kindness, honesty,
loyalty, compassion, and
ambition. Jot down what
values you’d like to have,
without any limitations.
Your core beliefs are a set of
rules you have about yourself,
and how you want to live your
life. Categories could include
happiness, wealth, success,
and family. Your core beliefs
are the things that you hold
important. Write down what
you’d like your core beliefs to
be, without any limitations.

36 | Issue 64 | happiful.com

“ The support you have in your
life creates the foundations
of your growth. Fill your
life with people who
motivate you, push you,
and help you thrive”
4. QUIT THE NEGATIVE
SELF-TALK
When a negative thought enters
your head, you have the power to
change it into a positive thought,
which will then completely alter
your perception of the world.
I picture any negative comments
in my head as a passing cloud that
is floating by. I allow it to pass
without attaching emotion, and
reinforce positivity by telling myself
three positive things. This cancels
out the negative and changes the
lens through which I am viewing
my world. Give this a try when a
negative thought next pops into
your head.
It’s in the moment when you
become aware of your thoughts
that you can learn to take back
control, and push yourself towards
positivity. Jot down any recurring
negative thoughts you may have,
so you can bring awareness to your
self-talk and regain control using
the previous exercise.
5. MAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF
When you make time for yourself,
your whole world changes. Why?
Because your mind has the time to
heal and overcome anything that
has happened (or is happening),
and think about what you want
to happen next. This allows you
to reflect, to learn, to grow, to
challenge yourself, to believe, and
plan your future. Jot down how
much time you can commit to, and
how often you can create that time
within your day.
In step six of the Mindset Reset,
we’re going to look at introducing
new habits, and this will include
more time to work on yourself, for
yourself, by yourself.
6. DAILY HABITS
When you implement new habits
and commit to them, they can
transform your life. Here are four
areas to focus on to help you:
• First-thing thoughts. What
are you excited about? What
do you love about your life?
Fill your mind with positivity
before getting out of bed in the
morning.
• Conscious thinking. According
to a recent study in the journal
Science, we spend 46.9% of our
day on autopilot, so let’s become
more conscious of the present.
Take in your surroundings, use
your senses to be in the moment,
and give your all to whatever it is
that you are focusing on.
an open mind
• Daily ‘you time’. Commit to small
pockets of ‘you time’ each day.
This could be standing outside for
five minutes, listening to some
calming music, or practising deep
breathing.
• Night-time gratefulness. What
are you thankful for? What can
you celebrate about the day? Fill
your head with gratitude just
before you go to sleep.
7. YOUR SUPPORT SYSTEM
The support you have in your life
creates the foundations of your
growth. Fill your life with people
who motivate you, push you, and
help you thrive. Note down who
brings out the best in you. Think
about the people who you always
feel good around.
As suggested by motivational
speaker Jim Rohn, the person
you are equates to the five people
you spend the most time with, so
choose your inner circle wisely –
and make time for the people who
help you prosper.
Personal development is a
lifelong journey. The great news?
You can reset anytime, as many
times as you need! This journey
is one you will be on for life. The
steps get easier to implement, and
the negativity will become less
as your positivity grows and your
confidence shines through.
Laura Caunter is a mindset and success
coach for women. To find out more,
visit lifecoach-directory.org.uk
happiful.com | Issue 64 | 37
 How to get emotional
consent to vent

Before you unload onto a friend or loved one, consider these five things
Writing | Mahevash Shaikh Illustrating | Rosan Magar

A
s a mental health
blogger who often
listens to people
vent, I wish more
people checked in with me
first. Because, even though I
encourage those with mental
health struggles to reach out,
there are times when I am
emotionally unavailable. When
I’m overwhelmed by my own
issues, I cannot help anyone else
– and this is something that many
of us will be familiar with.
Talking about your problems
with a troubled confidante may
not always give you the insight or
advice you’re looking for, but it
will almost certainly add to their
mental burden. So, here are some
simple, organic ways to ask your
go-to listener for their emotional
consent before you vent.
1. Ask them how they are
Before you offload your worries
onto someone, it is essential to
know if they are in a reasonably
alright physical and mental state.
When you vent as soon as you

38 | Issue 64 | happiful.com

begin your conversation, you do
not give your listener the option
to say no if they need to.
According to psychologist
Tania Diaz, ‘emotional consent’
is the act of responsibly asking
for permission to share an
emotionally charged experience
with another individual. In
accordance with that, it is crucial
to enquire about their wellbeing
before you do so.
2. Keep it simple
Once you know that they are
indeed fine, it’s time to ask for
emotional consent. If you are
worried about doing it without
sounding awkward, don’t worry.
Tania says: “It is not what you
say that influences the tone of
the dialogue, but how you say it.
Using your own words will help
you keep it simple and authentic.
For example, ‘Hey do you have a
moment for me to run something
by you; I’m sort of in a funk. If
not now, let me know when it’s a
good time to talk.’ See? You don’t
have to use any jargon. While
it may feel strange to ask for
permission, your loved one will
feel respected. Over time, it will
feel more natural and help to
build a healthy relationship.”
3. Use trigger warnings
After they have consented to a
conversation, give the listener
an idea of the subject of your
problem(s). Tania believes that
this is important not only for the
listener, but also for you.
She explains: “A trigger warning
is imperative, as your friend
may not have recovered from
past injuries. They may be still
recovering from their emotional
wounds. One can hold space
for someone only when they
have the emotional capacity to
do so. Not giving a warning to
your ventee can be considered
short-sighted, irresponsible, and
selfish. Done repeatedly, it can
strain your relationship.”
‘Emotional consent’
is the act of
responsibly asking
for permission
to share an
emotionally
charged
experience
4. Exercise discretion
and respect boundaries
Even after getting consent, use
your judgment. For example, if the
listener has recently ended a long-
term relationship and the venter
wants relationship advice, should
you approach them in the first
place? Would it be better to vent
to someone else? Another thing to
keep in mind is boundaries.
Even if you have a green flag to
talk about what is on your mind,
respect boundaries. If you aren’t
sure of what they are, ask without
hesitation. Make sure you know
your own boundaries, too, so you
wellbeing
can be firm if, for example, your
ventee asks something you don’t
want to discuss.
5. Try not to ‘trauma dump’
When you talk at length about
multiple issues in your life –
issues for which you don’t have
emotional consent – it might
be called ‘trauma dumping’.
Tania explains why this can be
unhealthy.
“Venting is the opportunity
to express your thoughts and
feelings in a healthy prosocial
manner,” Tania says. “There
is an amount of insight and
compassion for the person on
the receiving end. While there
may be a theme to the emotional
discharge by the ventee, the
person venting is mindful of how
they may have contributed to the
experience.
“In the case of trauma dumping,
there is less awareness, greater
impulsivity, and limited capacity
to see any other perspective but
their own. The ventee’s lens is
restricted, making it difficult
to appreciate the impact of
highly charged statements on
the recipient. Due to this, the
recipient is left feeling drained
and potentially emotionally
charged.”
Venting to loved ones is fine,
because it involves smaller,
everyday problems; trauma
dumping isn’t because it involves
bigger, deep-rooted problems. If
you need to do the latter, the best
course of action is to consult a
therapist, who will be willing and
able to handle it.
happiful.com | Issue 64 | 39
 Peace begins with a smile
MOTHER TERESA

Photography | Kenzie Kraft

40 | Issue 64 | happiful.com

Shelter from the storm
It’s time to create your own personal sanctuary
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
I
n 2021, researchers from
the University of Oxford
had a breakthrough. The
culmination of 15 years of
research and clinical practice,
they trialed a new way of
treating patients with psychosis:
The Feeling Safe Programme.
Working on the basis that fear
can exacerbate persecutory
delusions and lead to behaviour
that isolates and ostracises
people, the programme helps
people develop new memories
of safety – and it works. The
trial found that the Feeling
Safe Programme was the
most effective treatment for
persecutory delusions, rising
above other treatments, such as
befriending and CBT.
And it makes sense. The desire
to feel safe and sheltered has
been around since the first
caveman headed into the rocks,
and today that right to shelter
is set in stone under Article 25
of the Universal Declaration of
Human Rights.
For many, ‘shelter’ is more than
just four walls, and the places
an open mind
Illustrating | Rosan Magar
that give us that sense of safety Chloe’s treehouse was
don’t just protect us from the essentially a few planks of woods
elements, they take us away from nestled between two conifer trees
everyday stresses, pressures in the back garden of her family
to perform, angst, noise, and home, yet it still felt incredibly
daily demands. More than just significant – crucially, she says,
a shelter, spaces become a because the climb up the tree
‘sanctuary’. was a little too awkward for ‘big
Our own personal sanctuaries people’.
will look and feel completely
different, they might be within
four walls, or they might have
none at all. But for all their many
shapes and sizes, they each have
one thing in common, and that’s
the way they make us feel.
Higher ground
“I am a big fan of treehouses,
from the most basic attempts by
the youngest of hands to the full-
on, flashy, luxury kind,” Chloe The Treehouse Art Studio
Barry, an art psychotherapist and
nature-inspired therapist, shares
as she reflects on the sanctuary
she had as a child. “Even though “The treehouse offered me the
the treehouse of my youth was ultimate sanctuary, which was an
very basic, it was my refuge, a opportunity to be alone without
little place accommodated by feeling alone,” Chloe says. “I
nature that held me protectively feel like a treehouse is perfectly
within its branches.” poised to hold this ambiguous >>>
happiful.com | Issue 64 | 41
 need of mine in balance, as it
feels like you enter another world
where the human humdrum
is quietened, yet the sounds of
nature are there for you.”
These days, Chloe has
taken what she learnt about
environments that feel safe and
welcoming, and created the
Treehouse Art Studio – a beautiful
treehouse, built by her husband,
designed to host art therapy
sessions. As she sees it, the space
is a vital part of what makes those
sessions so impactful.
You enter another
world where the
human humdrum
is quietened
“In some ways, simply moving
from ground level to treetop
level has a subtle psychological
impact, in that it implies a
shift toward new ways of
understanding ourselves,” she
says. “It also helps that the
treehouse art studio is nestled
between a lovely sweet chestnut
tree on one side and an oak tree
on the other, while other trees
nearby all add to that sense of
retreating into nature.”
42 | Issue 64 | happiful.com
Chloe’s treehouse studio is a
working example of the ways
in which the space we’re in can
inspire calm, but also creativity.
Though, of course, a treehouse is
just one of many ways to capture
this atmosphere…
A moment of your time
“I’m very aware that ‘sanctuary’
might look different for each
of us, as our understanding or
need for it will be unique to our
individual backgrounds,” Chloe
explains. She shares how now,
as a busy mum, her sense of
sanctuary often involves taking
time for herself. To achieve this,
she doesn’t always need to be in
a physical sanctuary – it can be
created more subtly by enjoying
a cup of tea in bed before the
children wake up.
“In the past, sanctuary meant
feeling safe and finding a
physical space that I could value
and feel valued within,” she adds.
“I wonder if that is part of the
beauty of a sanctuary; it is what
we need it to be, and that may
change over time.”
What feels good and right for
each of us will look completely
different from one person to the
next. In fact, a ‘sanctuary’ doesn’t
have a ‘look’ – it doesn’t have to
be styled according to the rules of
interior design though, of course,
it can be if that’s what you need. It
might be a room, or just a corner,
in your home that is filled with all
the things that you love or which
spark joy. It could be a garden
full of plants that bloom after you
nurture them. It might be a public
beauty spot you can stop to pause
at, soaking in the environment
around you. Or it might be none
of those things, and instead be
the five minutes you’ve put a
boundary around so that you can
breathe deeply before jumping
into the rest of your day.
More and more, many of us
are finding ourselves in need of
a retreat from the busy world
that we’re in. Bad news, work
pressure, the demand to give
more of ourselves to our daily
responsibilities – it all adds
up. Whether it be a space you
can move to, or a mindset you
can tune-into, a sanctuary is
somewhere where we can be safe
and secure. And we all deserve
that.
Chloe Sparrow is an art
psychotherapist, nature-inspired
therapist, and painter. For more, visit
counselling-directory.org.uk
happiful.com | Issue 64 | 43
 Find your sanctuary
Need some help pinning down
exactly what you need from your
sanctuary? Try our quiz:
1. When you’re overwhelmed,
you crave…
A. Getting outside
B. Some alone-time
C. Clearing your mind
D. A distraction
E. Curling up on the sofa
2. Others might describe
you as…
A. Free spirited
B. Glamorous
C. Calm
D. Energetic
E. Welcoming
3. When it comes to other people
being around when you’re trying
to relax, you…
A. Don’t mind them being there
B. Need to be alone
C. Can tune them out if needed
D. Probably won’t notice them
E. Enjoy relaxing with others
4. On your days off, you tend to…
A. Head out into the wild for an
adventure
B. Have a pamper session
C. Carve out time for something
mindful
D. Pick up your latest project
E. Busy yourself around the house
5. You want to leave your
sanctuary feeling…
A. Refreshed
B. Soothed
C. Level-headed
D. Energised
E. Secure
44 | Issue 64 | happiful.com
ANSWERS:
Mostly As
An aromatic garden
Being out in nature is important to you, and it quickly soothes
your mind. You’re in-tune with your senses, and so you pick up
on the aromatic qualities of scents. Try collecting plants such
as lavender and mint, and help them to blossom in a garden,
balcony, or windowsill. You can also explore public gardens,
taking in their beauty as you ramble.
Mostly Bs
A candlelit bath or shower
For you, there’s nothing quite as relaxing as being in water. Set
the scene with some flickering candles, add some bubbles to a
bath or open a sensuous shower gel, slip into the warm water,
and feel your worries wash away.
Mostly Cs
A meditation session
When it comes to finding your sanctuary, it’s not so much
about where you are, but what you’re doing. Finding an
inner sense of peace is easy for you, and you’re able to
leave the outside world, and all its stress, behind when you
do so. Whether it’s a quick five-minute session, or a longer
break in the evening to let go of the tension you’ve picked up
throughout the day, meditation can be your sanctuary.
Mostly Ds
Immersive hobbies
You’ve got a wonderful energy that spurs you forward through
life, and you can channel that into something to help you
unwind and feel a sense of order and safety. This is where your
hobbies come in. It could be crafting, cooking, or reading –
whatever it is, it’s something that takes focus, leaving you with
no choice but to retreat from the outside world.
Mostly Es
A cosy corner at home
You’re a home-body at heart, and there’s nothing like stepping
over the threshold to take the load off the day. Your home is an
expression of you, and it’s filled with the things that you love,
and which spark fond memories. Very few real homes look like
show homes, but try to keep your space orderly enough that
you aren’t tempted to take up chores when you’re trying to
switch off.
 5 science-back
ed ways to
boost endorp ins
Lift your mood with these
h
proven positive pointers
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
A
group of hormones
that have a number of
physiological functions,
endorphins are responsible for
triggering positive feelings in the
body, as well as being the body’s
natural painkillers.
There are many ways that we can
trigger the release of endorphins,
and we’ve rounded up five science-
backed tips:
Laughter
When we laugh, we take in a load
of oxygen-rich air, which stimulates
our hearts, lungs, and muscles,
and, in turn, triggers the release of
endorphins into the body. So, this
is your sign to put on a comedy, or
spend some time with that person
who tickles your funny bone. But
remember, our brain can’t tell the
difference between fake and real
laughter, which is why ‘laughter
yoga’ is a popular option. Head to
laughteryoga.org for free sessions.
Spicy food
Rationally, we shouldn’t really enjoy
eating spicy food, should we? The
burning sensation isn’t objectively
pleasant, but scientists think they
understand why we persevere,
and it’s all to do with endorphins.
Scientists believe that, when we
eat spicy food, our body is fooled
into thinking that we are hurting
ourselves. Cue the endorphins.
Sex
During sex, the pituitury glad
is activated, leading to the
release of endorphins, as well
as fellow hormones oxytocin
and vasopressin, which come
together to reduce pain, and boost
intimacy and bonding. What’s
more, several areas of the brain
that are responsible for pain
are also active during orgasm.
Why? We’re not quite sure, but
the endorphin effect can help to
explain why some sexual activities
that might not be so appealing
usually – such as hair-pulling and
bites – have a whole different
effect during sex.
Acupuncture
Acupuncture is the traditional
Chinese practice where the
therapist inserts fine needles
into the skin at certain points
on the body (called ‘acupoints’).
Acupuncture is often said to help
with pain relief and relaxation,
and can you guess which brain
chemical is involved with that
feeling? You got it, endorphins.
Most studies into the long-lasting
effect of acupuncture have been
relatively small, and the National
Institute for Health and Care
Excellence only recommends it
for specific complaints – but it is
sometimes available on the NHS.
Dancing
Most forms of exercise are
a reliable way to boost your
endorphin levels, but there’s
something special about dancing.
In a study, researchers from the
University of York and Sheffield
had participants choose to either
sit and listen to music, exercise
on a stationary bike, or dance
for five minutes. What they
found was that dance releases
more endorphins than typical
aerobic movement – plus, it also
comes with a whole host of other
emotional releases that other
forms of exercise don’t. Is it time
to turn up the tunes?
happiful.com | Issue 64 | 45
 Superfood
crackers
A quick and easy snack that works
with a variety of toppings
Writing | Cressida Elias
T
his superfood cracker
is not only packed full
of nutrients, but one
that is delicious and
versatile – it can be eaten with
almost anything! Whether you
fancy dipping it in homemade
hummus, layered with your
favourite cheese, or topped with
nut butter and fruits, this will be a
new picnic and party essential. It
can also be baked with rosemary,
garlic, or other herbs, to really
adapt to your own personal
flavour preferences. Dip in!
Ingredients:
• 2 tbsp blue or purple corn flour
• 4 tbsp almond flour
• 1 tbsp ground flaxseed
• 1 tbsp chia seeds
• Approx half a cup of water
• Pinch of salt
Optional extras: rosemary, garlic,
or your choice of herbs or spices.
46 | Issue 64 | happiful.com
Method:
• Preheat the oven to 180oC or gas
mark 4.
• Add the dry ingredients and
combine in a large mixing bowl.
• Add some of the water to make
a semi-thick liquid. Set aside
for 5 minutes to thicken.
• Meanwhile, line a baking tray
with parchment.
• Once the mixture has thickened
(you should be able to pour
it – add a splash of water if it’s
become too thick), pour the
mixture onto the tray, tilting
gently from each corner so that
it is evenly spread.
• Place the tray in the oven,
reducing the heat to 160
degrees. Bake for 45 minutes,
or until crispy.
• Remove from the oven and
allow to cool.
• Once cool, break into pieces
and place in a bowl. Serve with
spreads or dips of your choice.
 food & health

The healthy bit

Blue or purple corn flour is low in

carbohydrates, and is highly nutritious. It is
packed with flavonoids, a class of compounds
found in plants with antioxidant effects,
helping to repair and maintain our cells.
Almonds are high in vitamin E, fibre,
magnesium, potassium, riboflavin, and
phosphorus, and they are rich in unsaturated
fats which help to slow down the uptake of
glucose. They are also a good source of protein,
helping to keep blood sugar stable.
Flaxseeds are a great addition to nutrient-
dense crackers. They are super high in omega-3
fatty acids, namely ALA (alpha-linolenic
acid). ALA is promoted as protecting against
cardiovascular disease, improving asthma
control, having anti-inflammatory effects, and
building healthier bones. They also contain
lignans, which are a type of phytoestrogen, part
of a group of compounds that help reduce the
risk of osteoporosis, heart disease, and breast
cancer. Plus, ALAs have antioxidant properties;
they are a source of soluble fibre which can
help lower cholesterol and stabilise blood sugar
and are a source of protein and potassium.
Chia seeds are another ‘superfood’ rich
in minerals, fibre, and anti-inflammatory
properties. Chia seeds can also help improve
the gut microbiome.
At Hair Analysis UK, we use hair mineral
testing to guide our nutritional balancing
protocols. We typically recommend blue and
purple corn as part of a healthy diet, and by
adding in high fibre, low carb and high protein
ingredients, many clients can manage their
blood sugar levels which goes a long way
to healing symptoms that are both
physical and emotional.
Cressida Elias is a nutritional consultant
and hair mineral analysis practitioner.
Find more on her profile at
nutritionist-resource.org.uk

happiful.com | Issue 64 | 47
 Take what you need
Our needs and wants can change day to day, and sometimes even hour
to hour. Take a moment to check-in with yourself, how you’re really feeling,
and consider what you most need right now

•Courage
•A hug
•Insp irat ion •Forgiveness
•Comfort •Rest
•Perspective
•self-love

Compassion
A moment of peace

48 | Issue XX | happiful.com
 Happiful
reads...
From mastering the art of energy to
navigating the path to financial zen,
we share four unmissable books
Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird
E
nergy is something we
were all born with, yet
it’s something we find
so difficult to articulate
and manage.
A revelation from an unfulfilling
job that was causing Simon
Alexander Ong to burn out gave
him the courage to resign, and
use his energy for the goal that
was most important to him:
his health. Now, the award-
winning life coach and personal
Must reads
The Little Book
of Zen Money by
The Seven Dollar
Millionaire
Out now
As the cost of living
increases, so do
our money worries – but it doesn’t
Book covers | Amazon.co.uk
have to be this way. Written by The
Seven Dollar Millionaire himself,
Michael Gilmore, this book offers
tips, mindfulness exercises, and
expert guidance on how to turn
your money woes into financial
peace of mind.
development entrepreneur
wants to share his lessons, so
that you can be the master of
your own energy.
In this transformative book,
discover how to channel your
energy more efficiently to go
from ‘energy poverty to energy
abundance’. Packed with
Set Boundaries,
Find Peace: A Guide
To Reclaiming
Yourself by Nedra
Glover Tawwab
Out now
Implementing
boundaries can be tough, but
important for our wellbeing.
In Nedra Tawwab’s insightful
guide, the bestselling author and
relationship therapist provides
us with the tools to instigate
boundaries and communicate
our needs effectively.
Energize by Simon
Alexander Ong
Out now
practical tips and client stories,
you’ll learn how to successfully
implement energy into all
aspects of your life, discover
the importance of setting
boundaries to protect your
energy, and much more.
The Love Square
by Laura Jane
Williams
Out now
We’ve all heard
of a love triangle,
but have you
ever heard of a love square?!
A 30-year-old successful cafe
owner, usually unlucky in love,
finds herself entangled in exactly
that as three charming men fall
at her feet. Spoilt for choice, will
Penny Bridge find what she was
looking for?
happiful.com | Issue 64 | 49
 8 ways to support
new mums
While the arrival of a new baby is a time for celebration, it can also be
stressful for new mums – whether that’s due to running on lack of sleep,
difficulties with feeding, or just adjusting to life being responsible for a
brand new human. Here we’re sharing practical tips you might not
have thought of to support a new parent in your life
Writing | Jenna Farmer

N
avigating life with
a new baby can be
tricky for many;
research has shown
that lots of mums don’t feel either
informed or supported in the
postpartum stage of their life,
whether that’s with mental health
support, or even household jobs.
Many guests bring lovely gifts
to spoil the newborn, but can
neglect to consider what parents
actually need help with. So, if
your friend or family member
is soon to be welcoming a child
into the world, here are some
practical ways you can show
them some support.
1. Work with them to
find the best time to visit
While there’s nothing quite
as precious as a cuddle with
a newborn, ensure you find a
time to visit that works for the
parents. Don’t try to guess when
they’ll be up for visitors; some
mums might not feel recovered
enough to accommodate guests
in the early weeks, while others
might be keen to have company
as soon as they’re home from
hospital.
Dropping them a message to
congratulate them and enquire
when they’d be up for a visit is a
great idea. And remember, even
if you’re in the area, don’t just
pop by unannounced – nobody
wants to be responsible for
waking a sleeping baby!
2. Offer practical help
when you arrive
Some mums might just want a
chat over a cuppa, but do offer
practical help where you can
(and make sure you brew up
yourself rather than expecting
the new parents to serve it). Try
not to create additional work
with your visit, and instead
provide an extra pair of hands
– some mums might be happy
to hand over their baby for a
cuddle so they can have a hot
shower, while others might
prefer to stay closer. If that’s the
case, offer to make them lunch
or do the washing up while
they’re busy feeding. Before you’re
due to drop by, it can be worth
asking if they need anything
grabbing from the shops to save
them making a trip as well.
These small jobs can make a
real difference. “New mums will
prioritise the baby’s needs over
their own, so making sure she
is eating and drinking enough is
really important,” says Natasha
Crowe, a psychotherapist
who specialises in fertility,
motherhood, and perinatal
support.
3. Ask about mum
Pregnancy can be such a joyous
time for mums-to-be, but the
postpartum period that follows
can bring new mum’s back to
earth with a bit of a bump! With
so much fussing over baby,
mum’s needs are often missed
– yet the ‘baby blues’ are very
common in the first few weeks,
with symptoms including feeling
irritable, emotional for no reason,
or anxious, so don’t forget to offer
a listening ear to any new mums.

50 | Issue 64 | happiful.com

“Mums can often feel
quite isolated, lonely, and
disconnected,” says Natasha, who
is also co-founder of Postnatal
Connections, a not-for-profit
organisation supporting new
mums in Hertfordshire.
Remember, you can talk about
other topics, too – some mums
can feel that all they do is talk
about the baby, so chatting
about your favourite show or your
latest holiday might be a welcome
distraction.
4. Home-cooked meals
are always welcome
Don’t feel as though you need to
spend a fortune on congratulatory
gifts – homemade presents are just
as valued. One of the best examples
is home-cooked grub.
relationships
If you want to offer
practical help,
then top of the list
would be easy-to-
cook, nutritious
food for the first
couple of months
“If you want to offer practical
help, then top of the list would
be easy-to-cook, nutritious food
for the first couple of months. By
batch cooking and pre-preparing
meals that are really convenient >>>
happiful.com | Issue 64 | 51
 and quick, as neither parent
is going to have much time or
energy to cook, and it’s vital that
mum eats well,” says Natasha.
5. Don’t expect to have
constant contact
Those first few months are a big
adjustment, so don’t fret if your
messages go unread or plans
change; some days mum and
baby might be up for getting
out the house, while other days
getting out of their PJs is too
much of a battle. The key is to be
as accommodating as possible.
“Offer help – practical help
first – and don’t be offended if
you don’t hear back immediately.
The early days and weeks are all
about adjusting to a new life with
a baby. It comes with so many
challenges, both highs and lows,”
adds Natasha.
6. Don’t try to give
unsolicited advice
One of the most overwhelming
aspects of being a new mum
is suddenly having to make all
kinds of decisions, from helping
your baby sleep to feeding, or
even what to dress them in. Much
of this is about mums finding
their own path that works for
them and their baby, but that
doesn’t always stop others giving
advice that’s not asked for.
We all parent differently, so
it can be tempting if you have
children of your own to assume
you know best, but be gentle as
sometimes motherhood can feel
a very judgemental place. Avoid
52 | Issue 64 | happiful.com
asking questions that might make
mums feel they’re not doing a
good job, such as “Are they not
sleeping through yet?”
“Listening and supporting
without judgement, or giving
unwarranted advice, is probably
the most important element to
practical support,” says Natasha.
“Supporting someone with their
choices without judgement can
really help to build a mum’s
confidence, and lessen anxiety.”
So next time a mum asks you,
“Am I doing it right?” give lots
of encouragement for her to
find her own way, rather than
imposing your way of doing
things on her.
7. Support other members
of the family, too
For family units larger than
three, parents often fret about
neglecting older children, or even
their fluffy companions, when
a baby comes along. If mum
prefers to stay with the baby, you
could offer to help lighten the
load with other members of their
family – could you take the dog
for a walk, or offer to take their
older child or children to the park
for an hour?
8. Respect any rules
And, finally, remember to respect
any rules in place around your
visit. This can be as simple as
asking if they’re comfortable
with you holding the baby before
doing so, or offering to sanitise
your hands before getting up
close. Remember that even if it’s
Listening and
supporting without
judgement, or giving
unwarranted advice,
is probably the most
important element to
practical support
not the way you would (or do)
parent, respecting their wishes is
paramount.
We hope these tips have given
you some ideas for supporting a
new mum in your life. While the
transitional period of life with a
baby can be hard for any parents,
offering plenty of practical
support, checking in before you
visit, and being mindful of mum
– rather than just baby – can go a
long way.
Jenna Farmer is a freelance
journalist who specialises in
perinatal mental health, and gut
health. She has Crohn’s disease, and
blogs at abalancedbelly.co.uk
Natasha Crowe is a psychotherapist,
counsellor, and coach. Find out more
at counselling-directory.org.uk

Countdown to
contentment
According to a 2019 study, spending at least 120 minutes a week in nature
is associated with good health and wellbeing. So, we’re rounding up
some of the most joyful and unusual ways to pass the time outdoors
N
“ ature is fuel for the soul,”
Richard Ryan, professor
of psychology at the
University of Rochester, said.
In Professor Ryan’s study,
published in the Journal of
Environmental Psychology, 537
college students were split into
five separate experiments. In
one, the students were taken on
a 15-minute walk either through
indoor hallways or along a tree-
lined riverside path. In another,
they looked at photos of buildings
or landscapes. And in the last, they
were asked to imagine themselves
in active and sedentary situations,
both inside and outside, and with
others and without.
When the results of the study
were in, the students reported
that their energy and vitality levels
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
were lifted by being outside, or
even just from imagining that they
were, and the researchers came to
a conclusion: that being in nature
makes people feel more alive.
And to get more specific, a
separate study, published in
Scientific Reports, revealed that 120
minutes per week is the optimal
amount of time to spend in nature
if you’re looking to improve your
health and wellbeing. So, all
there’s left to do now is to decide
what to do with the time you’re
given – and we have some ideas…
Add a quick two-step
into your walk
Walking and dancing: two things
that have been shown time and
time again to improve our mood
and our wellbeing. But add them
wellbeing
both together? Now you’re
talking. A 2012 study published
in the Journal of Experimental
Psychology: General found that
walkers who moved fluidly, and
waved their arms in a sort of
improvised dance, generated
more ideas than those who
walked normally. Breaking out of
our usual patterns of behaviour
is shown to help us think more
creatively, making this a great
tool for blowing away brain fog.
It doesn’t have to be a full-on
moonwalk – a hop, skip, or spin
here and there, or even just
moving your arms rhythmically
could do the trick. Not brave
enough to go at it alone? Bring a
friend along, or the whole family,
and you’ll soon leave any self-
conscious feelings behind. >>>
happiful.com | Issue 64 | 53
 Quick-fire
round
• Put out feed and watch
the birds
• Offer to do gardening for
an elderly neighbour
• Visit an ancient forest and
look up
• Learn how to forage
• Find a hill and fly a kite
• Follow a breathing
exercise in the fresh air
• Try an outdoor workout
• Write and post a letter
• Create window boxes and
hanging baskets to display
outside
• Go on a litter-picking walk
• Visit a park
• Walk instead of driving
where possible
• Dip your toes in a clean,
safe stream
• Try cloud-watching
• Pull-on some welly boots
and go for a muddy walk
• Buy a plant identification
book, and see what you
can find
• Visit somewhere
meaningful to you
• Do a yoga routine
outdoors
• Track down street art
• Host a scavenger hunt
• Eat your breakfast outside
• Make a bug hotel
• Go for a bike ride
• Sketch what you can see
• Read your favourite
magazine *ahem* outside

54 | Issue 64 | happiful.com

Feel the ground
beneath your feet
Here’s a fact you might not have
been expecting to read: feet
have nearly twice as many nerve
endings as penises (more than
7,000 in each foot, compared
to 4,000, in case you were
wondering). For this reason,
feeling the ground beneath
your bare feet invites intense
and fascinating sensations.
Soft soil and dewy grass, warm,
cool, tickly, smooth – there is
so much to experience. And all
these experiences come together
to ground us in the moment,
forcing us to connect with the
environment and the body that
we’re in.
Look for
big, bushy
lavender plants,
sprawling mint,
and perfect
roses
Find and create natural
aromatherapy spots
Aromatherapy uses plant extracts
and essential oils for a number
of wellbeing purposes. Certain
scents might soothe anxiety,
others might help boost your
energy levels or clear your
mind. You can, of course, buy
aromatherapy oils in bottles,
but you can also go and find
these evocative scents out in
nature. Look for big, bushy
lavender plants, sprawling mint,
and perfect roses. And if you’re
looking to put your green fingers
to use by introducing some
wellness into your garden, patio,
balcony, or windowsill, look into
the plant qualities associated with
different scents, and create your
own sensory space.
Get out in the rain
One thing that’ll often dampen
your enthusiasm for getting
outdoors is bad weather, but there
are some good reasons why you
shouldn’t let a bit of rain spoil
your plans. Firstly, when you go
out for rainy walks you’ll likely be
breathing in cleaner air. A 2015
study published in the journal
Atmospheric Chemistry and Physics
found that rain droplets attract air
pollution particles, cleaning up
the air around you.
Speaking of what’s in the air –
are you a petrichor connoisseur?
Petrichor is the ‘smell of rain’
people often talk about picking up
on. It’s that rich, sweet, fresh scent
that is created when compounds
from plant oils in the soil mix with
the rain, and are released into
the air. The scent is hailed as a
mood booster – you can even buy
candles that try to mimic its smell,
but there’s no replacement for the
real thing, so grab your raincoat
and head on out.
Make a meal of it
Picnics are thought to have gained
in popularity among the 18th
century French aristocracy and
they spread around the globe
after the French revolution. Back
then, picnics were associated
with intellectual refinement
wellbeing
– but, luckily, these days the
pressure’s off to be the quickest
wit on the blanket. A study from
Warburtons, in celebration of
national picnic week, traced how
the contents of our picnic baskets
have evolved over the past 10
decades, starting with traditional
cuts of meat and chilled soufflé to
hummus, quinoa, and even sushi.
Of course, packing your favourite
food and heading off to a beautiful
vantage point is all you really
need to reap the benefits of this
outdoor pursuit, but if you want to
take things up a notch, consider
packing foods that are known to
boost brain function, such as leafy
greens, oily fish, nuts, and berries.
Bring a friend along
In Illinois, USA, Frances Kuo,
co-founder of the Human-
Environment Research
Laboratory uncovered a link
between proximity to nature and
lower crime rates and a lower rate
of general aggression. Digging a
bit deeper, Frances found that it
wasn’t purely the presence of trees
that was having this effect, but
that living in a place with more
trees created environments where
neighbours spent more time
hanging out outdoors, talking to
each other, and connecting. You
might not be about to commit a
crime, but there are still benefits
to be drawn from taking time to
connect with neighbours and
those in your community while
you’re out and about. These small
connections can soon begin to
flourish, and what may have
started as a friendly wave hello,
could lead to a regular walking
partner in no time.
happiful.com | Issue 64 | 55
 How to improve
the quality of
your friendships
What do you think would make you describe
your life as satisfying and successful? According
to research, it’s the quality of your friendships
more than anything else…
Writing | Klaudia Mitura

R
obin Dunbar, professor
of evolutionary
psychology at the
University of Oxford, and
author of Friends: Understanding
the Power of our Most Important
Relationship, makes it clear:
friendships are vital to our
happiness and longevity.
The single best predictor of our
psychological health, wellbeing,
physical health, and even how
long we live, is the number and
the quality of close friends that
we have. The same conclusions
were drawn by researchers in the
longest study on happiness, which
followed 268 men over 75 years of
their lives. Men with warm, social
relationships and friendships
considered their lives successful
and lived longer, were wealthier,
and had more satisfying
marriages. However, this was only
true if the social relationships
they had were of high quality.
With this striking evidence in
mind, improve the quality of your
friendships with three easy hacks.
1. Make room in your busy
schedule to spend time with
your friends
Friendships are so vital to our
wellbeing, happiness, and
longevity because of the effect
that friends have on our body.
“The things you do with friends,
whether it be laughter, singing
or eating together, triggers the
endorphin system in the brain,”
explains Professor Dunbar. “This,
in turn, supports the immune
system, destroying viruses and
some cancer cells. So, the things
that might cause you serious
discomfort or serious illness are
either eliminated or reduced.
And, therefore, you live longer.”
Importantly, this effect on our
body is the strongest when we
are physically with our friends.
Social media and phones are
useful devices for maintaining
friendships, as they remind
our friends that we keep
thinking about them. However,
as Professor Dunar stresses,
“Nothing really substitutes being
able to sit across the table and
stare into the whites of the eyes of
the other person, and reach out
and give them a hug or a pat on
the shoulder. These are the things
that really kick in the endorphin
system”.
That is why making time in
your busy schedule to actually
see your friends in person is the
key to harvesting the wellbeing
outcomes of friendships.
2. Find precious moments
and stories to share with
your friends
When spending time with your
friends, concentrate on sharing
stories and precious moments, as
these bring us together and build
further connections. Storytelling
and sharing experiences also
contribute to the release of
endorphins in the brain that
makes you feel bonded to the
particular person you are doing
the selected activity with.
Also, as friends tend to be very
similar to us, concentrating on

56 | Issue 64 | happiful.com
 relationships

the things we have in common is

shown to strengthen our bond.
“There are ‘scene pillars’ of
friendships, and the more of
those dimensions you share
with somebody, the stronger
the relationship is,” explains
Professor Dunbar. These are your
gender, personality, education,
ethnicity, interests, moral views,
and music taste. That’s right:
sharing the same musical tastes
is the best predictor of whether
you think a complete stranger
will become your friend. No
wonder dancing and singing with
friends is a key bonding activity
that’s often on our agenda.

3. Appreciate your ‘shoulder

to cry on’ type of friends
Obviously, not all relationships go
smoothly in our life all the time.
It turns out that the best measure
of the quality of friendship is
simply the number of people you
can call on in emergencies.
“When your life falls apart, a
limited number of people are
going to drop everything to help
you out,” says Professor Dunbar.
As we have limited time, there
are limits to the number of people
that we can afford to invest a lot
of time with, and on average that
is about five friends. The best
way to care for ‘shoulder to cry
on’ friends, is to express once in a
while how much they mean to you
by directly sharing your gratitude,
doing something nice for them,
offering a helping hand, and
spending some bonding time with
them.

happiful.com | Issue 64 | 57

Bhavna Raithatha
BSc (Hons) MSc MBACP (Accred)
Bhavna is an international
psychotherapist, coach,
critical incidence debriefer,
supervisor, and speaker who
has worked with more than
17K clients in the past 25 years.
Find out more by visiting
counselling-directory.org.uk
Love is love:
understanding
the prejudice against
and struggles of the
LGBTQIA+ community
With all the advances in the world, one
thing that remains a constant battle is
the fight to live as our authentic selves.
Here, columnist Bhavna shares the
terrible reality for many members of the
LGBTQIA+ community, and implores
us to stand with them to fight for
everyone’s right to love, with pride

L
ove is love. Loving and being
loved are the most basic
of needs in any organism.
Poets tell us that to love is
the goal of human existence, and
to be loved is the greatest treasure
of the heart. And yet, for some
like me, who are part of the global
LGBTQIA+ community, loving
whom we choose could be a death
sentence.
Despite advances in LGBTQIA+
rights through Stonewall’s first riot
to the Pride marches across the
globe, loving someone of the same
sex can mean death in many parts of
the world. Only in June, during our
Queen’s Jubilee, the representative
of Her Majesty in Indonesia was
called to account over why there
was a Pride flag flying at the British
Embassy. This is timely proof that
there are still many countries
around the world where there is a
price to pay for love.
We hear of young couples
being reported to authorities,
sometimes by their own families,
because they are gay and love
each other. Why?
We hear of two young women in
India, in their early 20s, hounded
by their families because they
have chosen to be in a loving
relationship, and abducted by
their families to force them apart,
having to go to court to fight for
their right to be together. Why?
We hear of corrective rapes in
South Africa, and other parts of
the world, to ‘teach’ LGBTQIA+
people a lesson. Why?
We hear of trans siblings of the
LGBTQIA+ family being harassed
and murdered, transwomen being
assaulted and murdered, because
they found the courage to be who
they are.
We hear of high rates of suicides in
the LGBTQIA+ community, because
of the stigma of being gay. Why?
We hear of people choosing to
enter heterosexual marriage and
betray themselves to keep family
happy, and take the target off their
backs. This raises many other
questions. We can’t hide what we
feel – I know, I was in the closet for
32 years of my life until it became
unbearable to live the lie, and I had
to come out before it killed me. I
will never get those three decades
of my life back.

58 | Issue 64 | happiful.com

One of the excuses I read and
hear repeatedly about why being
LGBTQIA+ could be a death
sentence for some is that it is
against ‘their’ religion. Yet, despite
my study of religious literature over
decades, the main lesson I’ve taken
from all religions has been love,
forbearance, and peace. The final
commandment of Jesus was to
‘Love one another as I have
loved you.’
The Office for National Statistics
found that 1.9 million people in
the UK (3.1% of the population)
identify as LGB, whereas those
identifying as trans number 1%,
according to Stonewall.
The National LGBT Survey carried
out in 2017 found that LGBT
respondents are less satisfied with
life compared with the general UK
population. Furthermore, more
than 66% stated concern about
holding hands in public for fear
of reprisals. The report stated
that at least two in five people had
experienced verbal harassment or
physical assault as a result of their
sexuality. It further stated that at
least 2% had undergone conversion
therapy in an attempt to ‘cure’
them of being LGBT. A further 24%
of responders had sought mental
health support in the 12 months of
the survey. These statistics are not
surprising, considering people’s
views towards the community.
This is the same report by the
government that stated ‘none of
this is acceptable’, and went ahead
to publish their LGBT Action
EXPERT COLUMN
Plan, and yet still refuses to ban
conversion therapy for people
identifying as trans.
I have worked with many clients
that have identified as LGBTQIA+
over the years, and who have
struggled with their sexuality. I’ve
had therapy myself to overcome
my struggle with my sexuality,
and end a marriage. We have been
the lucky ones to have found the
strength and courage to seek help.
But what about those who felt that
they had no choice but to take their
own lives to stop the horrific pain?
There are two cousins in my own
family who took their own lives.
The taboo against being LGBTQIA+
is great in the Asian and African
cultures and countries where being
gay is still illegal.
Many families from ethnic
minorities blame being LGBTQIA+
as a Western fad, and yet this
community has been around for
thousands of years, and in some
cultures such as the First Nations
Tribes in the USA, it was respected
and revered as Twin-Spirit people.
Despite the need for a lot of work
still to be done to make people
understand that we are born this
way, and no amount of beatings,
abuse, or conversion ‘therapies’
can change this fact, I am pleased
to see more specially trained
therapists like myself offer support
with issues that face the LGBTQIA+
community. I am encouraged that
more people are choosing to live
their truth and be authentic, but we
still have a very long way to go, as
long as prejudice still exists.
If you have an LGBTQIA+ person
in your life, love them, and support
them. They are precious, too.
Happy Pride, love is love.
happiful.com | Issue 64 | 59
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Peachy keen

The perfect summer

smoothie recipe to
bring some sunshine
to your day

R
efreshing, thirst-
quenching, and
bringing a burst of
summer fun to your
tongue, this recipe is super quick
and easy to make, with some
great nutritional value!
Note: we recommend using frozen
fruit, which will last longer, give
you a thicker, creamier texture, and
also means the fruits are prepared
and ready to go immediately. This
is particularly handy with peaches,
which would need to be peeled if
using fresh!
Ingredients: amounts depending on your
• Frozen peaches personal taste, and preference
• Frozen banana with the consistency, so enjoy
• Orange juice experimenting! More orange
• ½ a cup of non-fat Greek yogurt juice will make it thinner, and
• Dash of honey more fruit will help it to be
• A few drops of vanilla extract thicker and creamier.
• Blend everything together until
Method: smooth.
• Add all the ingredients to a • Pour into a glass to serve, and
blender. You can vary the enjoy!

happiful.com | Issue 64 | 61
 Picture perfect
Scientists have found that merely viewing images of beautiful landscapes
or cuddly animals can induce a sense of tranquillity in these troubled times.
Welcome to Project Soothe… and here’s how you can take part
P
erhaps it’s daybreak,
as the sun rises over
a rolling, verdant
landscape. It could be
the afternoon, as a cat cuddles
a soft, white toy and sleeps
peacefully in bed. Or maybe it’s
evening, and the sun sets over a
mountain, green trees framing a
pinky-purple ocean.
These tranquil scenes are
among the most soothing
photographs taken by ordinary
people, designed to relax and
calm. Today, scientists at Project
Soothe, a research website of
super-soothing images like
these, say that “landscapes,
water features, trees and flowers,
animals, and skies” all induce a
sense of ease and calm.
Project Soothe is a global
citizen-science project based at
the University of Reading. “Our
goal is to collect soothing images
by you and me, to help people
self-soothe,” says Professor Stella
Chan, who founded the project
in 2015.
Professor Chan was working
with patients with brain injuries
when she discovered that
62 | Issue 64 | happiful.com
Writing | Erica Crompton
imagery can calm and quieten
patients. She says she found that
not everyone could “imagine”
their own picture in their mind’s
eye. So, she decided to gather
photographic images for the
patients to view and self-calm.
It works, too. I spent an hour
looking at photos of my two cats
and a roaring fireplace: things
I love dearly and like to spend
time with after a day at work. I
felt happy and warm inside after
viewing them. The pastel pink
colour of one cat’s ears stood out
as particularly cute to me, and it
immediately made me feel very
happy and calm.
A recent study shows I’m
not alone, and we all have a
shared understanding of what
soothe means to us – feeling
calm, relaxed, and at ease. One
man taking part in the study
said: “Feeling soothed is in
the moment, present-focused,
relaxed.” A woman added: “It’s a
state of aloneness or detachment
from my surroundings where I
feel calm, warm, safe, and secure.”
Some people find mindfulness
meditation is a source of soothing
for them, too. One woman said:
“I listened to a short mindfulness
audio tape, which helped me to
focus on my breath. It helped me
to focus through visualisation,
and I got a sense of strength and
calm after listening to the audio
tape.”
Another participant said: “I was
in bed, relaxed and with music on
and I was soothed when knowing
that all my work and tasks were
done. I was both happy and
optimistic.”
Human stories like these,
along with others, show us that
we agree on what’s soothing:
solitude, affiliation, mindfulness,
connection with nature, and
physical sensations.
Now these findings from
researchers are helping mental
health practitioners and
clinicians support individuals to
develop self-soothing strategies.
And the sense of soothing
extends to young people, too.
Project Soothe is working with
young people with depression.
The scientists have divvied up
70 young people into teams.
Professor Chan says: “One team
 an open mind

Ranking (1= most soothing)

What these most soothing

images all have in common
is that there’s a sense of
solitude and nature, which
we often find so peaceful

nd
Ranked number 1: Chilled sunset over Loch Lomo

Ranked number 2: I find the sunset and dusk

colours relaxing, a sort of nature “time out”
made a graphic novel inspired by
our existing archive of soothing
photos, then they wrote the
story The Soothing Adventures
of Bee, which highlights how a
young woman called Bee soothes
herself.
“It includes Bee making
brownies on a page about
cooking, and Bee doing yoga.
It’s a really nice book that’s free
for young people. Another team
made a pencil case with soothing
images printed on the front, to Ranked number 3: This is Me
serve as a reminder for them to rry the cat, sleeping on top of
father-in-law’s printer, taken my
on Christmas, 2014. He’s war
soothe themselves – and a pencil fluffy and sleeping peacefully, m and
and it’s quite soothing.
case is something they use at
school every day.” >>>

happiful.com | Issue 64 | 63

Ranked number 5: He looks
6: It m ak es me feel soot
Ranked num
be r
ln es s it re ve als. The soft li
of the stil
so th at th er
and al
with no other
Professor Chan adds: “When
I started the project I thought,
let’s ask members of the public
to submit soothing photos and
build a big archive around them.
My father was a photographer,
and I grew up holding a camera.
I was as young as three when I
held my first camera, so it’s very
intuitive to me. It’s a very simple
website, and all we want is for
64 | Issue 64 | happiful.com
so relaxed
hed because
et
ght of the suns
n an d sky
e is only lake
mountai
en ts .
disturbed elem
you to submit images you feel are
soothing. We’ve since found that
by looking at 25 images, positive
mood increases.”
In as much as a deep, still lake
can be soothing, so too can
sound. Professor Chan is also
working with The British Library
to combine images with sound.
“This is the next step for us,”
she says. “Sound and photos
We agree on
what’s soothing:
solitude, affiliation,
mindfulness,
connection with
nature, and physical
sensations
transcend language and cognitive
ability. We’ve addressed people
feeling isolated with Covid-19
by launching an app for Project
Soothe to help more people. It’s
very accessible, and relatable.”
A ‘Top 10’ of soothing images
has been established, ranging
from pets to petals, and seas to
skies. What these most soothing
images all have in common is
that there’s a sense of solitude
and nature, which we often find
so peaceful.
And if you have a garden, or a
special place where you feel at
peace, Professor Chan says you
can get involved. Simply take a
photo of your soothing moment
and upload it to projectsoothe.
com with one click. The online
gallery is open for viewing 24/7,
and submissions are ongoing. To
submit photographs and to find
out about all research projects
based on Project Soothe, please
click the ‘Participate’ page on the
site.
 The sweet
escape
As one of the stars of The Great
British Bake Off 2020, Lottie
Bedlow is no stranger to the
pressures and the mishaps that
can happen when tackling a
homebake – but perhaps it’s time
we all found a little more culinary
freedom. Here, Lottie delves into
her own mindful journey with
baking, to share why we should
all embrace taste over perfection,
and allow ourselves to get
creative in the kitchen
Writing | Lottie Bedlow

W
“ hy do you bake?”
It’s a question that
people have asked
me a lot since
Bake Off. At the time, I was a bit
more preoccupied with asking
myself things like: ‘Why have I
done this?’; ‘Was this an awful
idea?’; and ‘Could I be any more
embarrassing?’ And whatever
the question, the answer always
ended up being something along
the lines of ‘I don’t know anything
about baking – who do I think I
am?’ So why I bake isn’t something
I’ve found a proper answer to yet.
But I am going to try…
For me, baking started as an
escape from a busy and stressful
London life. I would pore over
recipe books like novels, and flick
through glossy food publications
with the same passion and zeal as
a 90s teenager stumbling across
a top-shelf magazine. I wanted
to make it all, now. In my tiny,
cupboard-sized kitchen.
I have a science degree. I am
a logical, practical, anxiety-
fuelled overthinker. So, I initially
approached baking like I would
a risky experiment in the lab.
I followed recipes religiously,
spent money I didn’t have on
bizarre ingredients that I didn’t
understand, and convinced myself
that the writer of any recipe was
a kind of god: ‘They say I need
xanthan gum and the world will
clearly end if I use a substitute.’ >>>

happiful.com | Issue 64 | 65
 What I turned out was often
edible, sometimes tasty. I
remember baking my first
big birthday cake for a lactose
intolerant colleague, and spending
longer looking for a decent
buttercream recipe than I did
making the cake itself. I needed
someone else to provide a recipe
so that I could follow their lead.
Looking back, there was an
element of being able to pass the
blame if it didn’t work out: ‘I don’t
know what went wrong, I followed
the recipe to the letter! Rubbish
recipe…’ I couldn’t be the one who
had got something wrong.
Then, things began to change. I
don’t know exactly when the shift
happened but, gradually, I found
the confidence to bend recipes –
just by tweaking flavours to start
with. A lemon cheesecake became
a lime cheesecake. Chocolate
brownies found raspberry pieces.
Ganache tasted better with the
addition of alcohol. Once made,
these creations felt personal. Yes, I
had used someone else’s recipe for
the method, but I had added my
own flavours so it was my bake.
Soon I started to really pull apart
the sacred recipes. Through trial
and error, I taught myself how
to find my own balance between
adhering to the science of baking,
and experimenting with the art of
flavour. The process encouraged
me to use a new part of my brain:
the creative side. Baking wasn’t
just a distraction anymore; it was
space to daydream. This was my
mindfulness.
But being creative meant getting
things wrong – the thing I had
feared all along. I did – and still
do – mess up a lot. Early on, I
66 | Issue 64 | happiful.com
prioritised flavour over everything
else, which meant my bakes
looked like they’d been run over
and dragged through several
hedges backwards (twice). But
I was loving it. The process of
experimenting and testing, then
sharing and receiving feedback,
was twice as rewarding as being
told that my ability to read and
follow a recipe was on point. I
was finally learning to enjoy the
process, regardless of the (quite
probably) imperfect outcome.
I was finally
learning to enjoy
the process,
regardless of the
(quite probably)
imperfect
outcome
Bake Off was the ultimate
test of this newfound, and not
quite consolidated, confidence.
Each recipe submitted for the
show had to be completely
original and written by me. And
terrifyingly, the public watching
at home wouldn’t be able to
taste my bakes, so they would
be judging me on appearance
alone. Every brief called for
‘showstopping’, ‘immaculate’,
and ‘beautifully presented’
creations. Not my forte. But I
was determined to try my best.
It quickly became obvious to
everyone at home that I was
suffering from a classic case of
imposter syndrome. It turns out
that’s how the majority of the
bakers were feeling – I was just
more vocal about it! As a group,
we celebrated each other’s wins
and commiserated the losses.
Baking – which had begun
as my secret hobby and turned
into a personal, creative outlet
– was now a hilarious and
messy process that I actually
enjoyed sharing with others. The
sense that we were ‘all in this
together’ was like nothing I’d
ever experienced before. I want
to give other people that feeling.
That is why I’ve written Baking
Imperfect. To encourage anyone
who feels nervous about baking
to give it a go, and to push more
experienced bakers to challenge
themselves. What is the worst
that can happen?
So, why do I bake? Because
baking reminds me that I’m
allowed to make mistakes. You
are too.
See the next page for a recipe from
‘Baking Imperfect’ by Lottie Bedlow,
available from 7 July (Hamlyn, £20).
Follow Lottie on Instagram
@lottiegotcake
 xxxxxxxxxxxx

Banocolatee
Bread
Because banana
bread is boring
I tried to make the title of this one
snappy by combining banana,
chocolate and toffee into one
word, but I’m not sure it will catch
on and I don’t even know how
to say it. Everyone loves banana
bread, blah blah blah – BORING.
Give this a try instead. Because
chocolate and toffee sauce make
everything better...

KIT LIST
• 450g (1lb) loaf tin
• Stand mixer or electric whisk
• Food processor or blender
(optional)
For the cake
• 100g (3½oz) unsalted butter,
softened
• 50g (1¾oz) caster sugar
• 3 overripe bananas, peeled and
well mashed
• 1 egg
• 200g (7oz) self-raising flour
• 100g (3½oz) dark chocolate
(54% cocoa solids minimum),
chopped or blitzed to a small
rubble in a food processor
• Pinch of salt
Photography | Tom Register
1. Preheat the oven to 200°C/180°C
fan/400°F/Gas Mark 6 and line
the loaf tin with nonstick baking
paper.
2. For the cake, cream the butter
and sugar together in a stand
mixer or in a bowl with an
electric whisk for 3 minutes.
Add the mashed bananas and
combine, then beat in the
egg. Sift in the flour, add the
chocolate and salt, then fold
into the mixture. Transfer to
the lined tin and bake for about
for a couple of minutes. Stir in
the cream and boil for another
couple of minutes. Leave to
cool, then add salt to taste.
4. Remove the cake from the tin
by inverting it on to a serving
plate. Peel off the lining paper
and pour the toffee sauce over
the top. Best sliced and served
warm with a little extra cream
on the side.
*If the top is starting to burn but
the skewer isn’t coming out clean,

For the toffee sauce
• 85g (3oz) dark brown soft sugar
• 70g (2½oz) unsalted butter
• ½ tablespoon golden syrup
• 150ml (5fl oz) double cream,
plus extra to serve
• Pinch of salt, or to taste
40–45 minutes, or until a skewer
inserted into the middle comes
out clean.* Leave to cool while
you make the sauce.
3. Melt the sugar, butter and syrup
together in a medium saucepan
over a medium heat. Bring to
the boil and allow to thicken
cover loosely with foil and return
to the oven. We’re trying to avoid
the top burning before the middle
has cooked. If this does happen,
you can just cut off the burned top
before serving. Once you’ve got
the sauce on there, nobody will
notice or care.

happiful.com | Issue 64 | 67
 Let me hear your body talk
Keep your communications clear by considering your body
language and how you can demonstrate active listening
S
howing attentiveness to a
conversation lets people
feel heard, and can open
up the door for more
meaningful interactions, showing
the person you’re engaging with
that you’re receptive to what
they’re saying.
There are some behaviours you’ll
probably be doing naturally, but
when we gain awareness of the
signals of active listening, we can
make a conscious effort to instil
them in our communications.
1. Face the person speaking.
By turning towards your
conversation partner, you’re
clearly displaying that they have
your full attention. It could
also signify a willingness to be
vulnerable, as we’re presenting
our chest (and in turn our
heart), which might be seen as
68 | Issue 64 | happiful.com
Writing | Rebecca Thair
a symbolic gesture of opening
ourselves up.
2. Get closer. Yes, we’re talking
literally. Your physical proximity
to each other in a conversation,
and in particular leaning
forwards, shows your interest and
engagement in the discussion.
Leaning back could signal that
you’re distancing yourself from
the chat, so try to proactively lean
in where you can.
3. Clear the space between
you. In a practical sense, ensure
there are no objects obscuring
your view of each other, and in
a metaphorical way, keep your
arms relaxed and to your side
where possible – crossed arms
can signify a disinterest in the
conversation, or an unwillingness
to open up. So try to be aware
of how your body is positioned
to demonstrate your willing
participation.
4. Give encouragement. This
could be in the form of nodding
your head to show you’re listening
and taking on board what they’re
saying, or using facial expressions
to react without interrupting them,
or small remarks such as ‘yes’ and
‘OK’ which won’t disrupt their flow,
but give them confidence that what
they’re saying is being heard and
processed.
5. Maintain eye contact. It’s been
reported that keeping your eyes
focused on each other for 60–70%
of the time someone is speaking
helps provide the best balance for
good rapport. So, next time you’re
chatting, keep those eyes locked,
and be present.
 positive pointers

The right to grow

your own

Allotments exist to offer everyone the opportunity to

grow their own food, so, what do you need to know?
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

I
f you’ve never stepped foot
on an allotment before,
at the very least you’ve
probably passed one by.
Squeezed in between housing
estates in the centre of cities,
on the outskirts of towns, and
down spiralling pathways in
villages, an estimated 330,000
allotments across the UK offer
local residents their own plot of
land where they can grow their
own food, cultivating a ‘good life’
while they’re at it.
And, post-lockdown, interest in
allotments is higher than ever,
with the National Allotment
Society revealing that 40% of
English councils responding to
a survey reported a ‘significant
uplift’ in applications to join
waiting lists, with one council
– Hyndburn, in Lancashire
– seeing an astounding 300%
increase.
It’s easy to understand why this
trend is happening. In lockdown,
many of us slowed our pace of
life right down and were forced to
reconnect with the simple things
in life. Add to that a desire to ‘eat
local’, to understand more about
where our food comes from
and, importantly, the incredible
wellbeing benefit of being out
in nature that many of us have
experienced first-hand, and
you have the perfect conditions
for the self-sufficient dream to
blossom.
The good news is that, in theory,
there’s enough to go around.
While many may choose to
grow food in their gardens – in
1908, the Small Holdings and
Allotments Act came into force,
meaning that local authorities
must provide sufficient allotment
space for the public to grow food
where there is a demand for it.
Updated in 1925 to protect these
spaces further, this legislation is
still very much active today, and
preserves citizens’ rights to grow >>>

happiful.com | Issue 64 | 69
 their own food, holding the door
open to anyone who wants to
have a go.
While waiting lists can be rather
lengthy, sometimes stretching
up to 18 months, costs can be
relatively low, ranging between
£25–£125 per year depending on
the location and facilities on site.
Total newbies work side-by-side
with expert old-timers, and the
community spirit that flourishes
on allotments is second to none,
as knowledge is passed around
without hesitation, plant swaps
will have you tucking into new
experiences, and annual shows
will bring out a healthy dose of
competition.
Sounds appealing? Here’s a
quick run-down of three key
things to consider:

1. How much land are we talkin’?

Allotments are traditionally measured in ‘poles’ – also referred to as
‘perches’ or ‘rods’ – which is an ancient measurement that dates back
to Anglo-Saxon times. Generally speaking, the standard allotment
size is 10 poles, which is the equivalent of 250 square metres – about
the size of a doubles tennis court. It’s a fair bit of land, but if you feel
intimidated by that, there are a number of options available. You
could share the plot with someone you know, or you could reach out
to others who are on the waiting list. Or, you can cover up some of
your plot with weed-suppressant material, and work on it bit by bit
until you get the hang of things. Be warned though, most allotment
contracts will stipulate how much of your allotment must be in use
at any given time, often setting your goals such as one-quarter in use
within the first three months, half in your first year, and so on. All in
all, don’t be intimidated, but do be prepared.

70 | Issue 64 | happiful.com
 positive pointers

2. Time is of the essence

Now you’ve got an idea of the size of the plot, it’s worth
considering how much time you will be able to devote to working
on it. Home-grown food really is a labour of love; you get out what
you put in, which is what makes it so special. With that in mind,
it’s fair to say that allotments demand a lot of care and attention.
In the summer months, you might find you need to visit your
plot almost every day to keep on top of watering and weeding,
and even off-season you’ll want to be visiting a few times a week
to make sure everything is maintained. Most allotments will
also have regular inspections run by the council. You’ll be given
warning, but it means you are agreeing to keeping a neat and tidy
plot at all times. Of course, if you’re full of enthusiasm and find
bucket-loads of joy in the work, this will be no problem, but do
consider how this new endeavour will slot into your life.

3. All the gear

Part of the philosophy of allotments is DIY, and finding creative
solutions to problems. These aren’t ornate gardens, they’re
functional and productive, and for that reason, you shouldn’t have
to pour a load of money into getting them going. You can find a lot
of gardening equipment on second-hand sites such as Facebook
Marketplace, Gumtree, and eBay – you might even inherit some
left-over equipment from the plot’s previous owner. Seeds are
relatively inexpensive, and each allotment usually has a ‘seed
club’, where you can buy packs at a discounted price; what’s more,
plant swaps are common, and you can usually find people selling
seedlings and young plants at car-boot and jumble sales.

Up for the challenge? Get back

to your roots and find out more
by searching for allotments
in your area. Apply for a plot
by heading to gov.uk/apply-
allotment. You never know what
might come to fruition.

happiful.com | Issue 64 | 71
 No one will listen to us
until we listen to ourselves
MARIANNE WILLIAMSON

Photography | Dollar Gill

72 | Issue 64 | happiful.com

Off the grid
Psychotherapist, author, podcast
host, and mum-of-three
Anna Mathur shares how negative
comparison can so easily creep
into our lives, but with some
self-compassion and awareness,
we can see the bigger picture
Writing | Lucy Donoughue
H
ow many times have
you found yourself
scrolling through social
media and sensing the
crushing weight of comparison?
You might be taking a five-minute
break from work, while everyone
else seems to be living their
#bestlife, jetting off on holiday, or
preparing homemade picnics for
a blissful afternoon, while you’ve
just spent the entire morning
scrubbing porridge off the wall
from a breakfast mishap.
It’s a universal truth that each
and every one of us will fall
foul of the comparison cloud
at some point in our lives, as
psychotherapist Anna Mathur
explains on Happiful’s podcast, ‘I
am. I have’. And she’s more than
willing to share how it impacts
her, too.
positive pointers
“Comparison
turns up in so
many different
areas of my life,”
she says. “It’s
a constant dialogue
I have to have with
myself, and if I don’t it
can just run riot!”
However, Anna is
quick to explain that
comparison is not a
wholly negative behaviour.
“Comparison in and of itself is a “And if you look back to caveman
self-protective force,” she notes. days, comparison kept people safe
“Comparison can help us to judge then,” she continues. “You might
if perhaps we could do something have realised that you weren’t as
better; we might look at someone strong as another person, so they
else’s situation and realise that would be the better bet for hunting
there’s something we want to be and gathering. Comparison can
doing, and it drives us forward and be about assessing ability, so that
motivates us to go after that for everyone is using their strengths
ourselves, if it’s something positive. and resources in the best way.” >>>
happiful.com | Issue 64 | 73
 Listen to the full episode with
Anna Mathur on Happiful’s
podcast ‘I am. I have’

Thinking about comparison in

this light could certainly help us to
question why we are comparing,
what we’re taking away from the
act, and why it’s necessary for us
in that moment. Curiosity around
why a particular person’s situation
makes us reflect upon our own
life could lead to some insights as
to how we’re coping, where we
might feel stuck, want to grow, or
indeed need help from others.

Our hearts
hear the
words that
our minds
speak
So, how do we determine when
comparison is leading us to take
stock of where we are and want to
be, and when it’s simply become a “Say I’ve had a really rough than me. I’m a rubbish mum. I’m
stick to beat ourselves with? morning with the kids, and I’ve a failure.’
“Comparison becomes not responded in a way I feel “In a split second, I’ve made two
problematic, and this is particularly proud of, and then incredibly powerful statements
something I personally struggle I go shopping and I see a mum about myself: being a rubbish
with, when I use the difference being so incredibly patient with mum, and a failure. Can you
between me and someone else to her toddler having a tantrum. imagine going up to another
make a statement about myself,” What happens in my brain is very, woman and saying that? The
Anna admits. very quick: ‘She’s a better mum look on her face, and the power

74 | Issue 64 | happiful.com

in those words? That’s where
comparison is so harmful. Our
hearts hear the words that our
minds speak, and we can say
these things in the silence of our
minds in a split second, and it’s
like an emotional punch.”
Self-compassion can be an
antidote to this painful self-talk,
Anna asserts, and she has a great
way of remembering the need to
be kind to herself.
“I envision a little Anna inside
me, there’s a little version inside
of us all, and we have to be so
aware that when we speak these
words and create these statements
out of snapshots, that’s impacting
us. There’s a little us inside that’s
taking that punch and is winded
by that. It’s bullying language.”
Professionally, Anna has
concerns about the growing crisis
in confidence and self-esteem
she witnesses every day, and
believes social media scrolling,
in particular, can be extremely
detrimental for us at times when
we’re feeling low.
“Our brains are hardwired to
believe what we see, and that it’s
the full picture,” she says. “If we’re
not doing the work where our
little coaching voice comes into
our head to say, ‘Come on, you
know that’s just a snapshot, this
isn’t a statement about who you
are. They’ve got their messiness
and human bits, you just can’t see
it in this image.’”
Our inner coach, as Anna
describes it, is a powerful tool
in dialling down the noise and
criticism created from the
negative side of comparison, and
bringing self-compassion to the
fore. As with any tool, however,
we have to practise tapping into
our inner coach, being mindful
of the statements we make about
ourselves, and questioning what
we see.
This work can be made more
difficult by tiredness, and new
mums in particular can be
susceptible to comparison, as they
begin to learn what it is to be a
parent.
“When you’re trying to navigate
a new situation, it can be so easy
to look outside of yourself for
confirmation that you’re doing a
good job or not,” Anna says kindly.
“Mums all feel pressure to look
and feel like we know what we’re
doing, when the reality is why
should we? We can read all the
books, but there’ll be tiny and big
decisions every day we need to
make, and we want to get it right.
That’s why parents are particularly
vulnerable to comparison.”
This is where friends and loved
ones can help.
“If you’re supporting a parent
who is obviously struggling with
comparison, looking outside
of themselves and making
statements about how they are
mothering due to what they see,
positive pointers
I think it’s just about regrounding
them,” Anna says. “Asking them
‘What do you think?’, ‘What do
you feel?’, and reminding them
it’s all new, that they’re trying,
and encouraging them to take the
pressure of themselves to know
everything.”
Giving ourselves and others a
break from self and societally-
imposed pressure, and
acknowledging our humanity, are
all major themes in conversation
with Anna, which is why she’s
so deeply relatable. It’s true that,
whatever stage of life we’re at and
whoever we are, there will be
times when we are all just finding
our own way, no matter what it
looks like through the peephole
of social media squares. So, let’s
take Anna’s lead and choose
self-compassion over negative
comparison, every time.
‘The Little Book of Calm for New
Mums: Grounding words for the
highs, the lows and the moments in
between’ by Anna Mathur (Penguin
Life, £12.99) is available now.
happiful.com | Issue 64 | 75
 5 questions to reconnect you with
your career path
Feeling lost and uninspired with your career?
Ask yourself the following questions…
Writing | Sarah Green Illustrating | Rosan Magar
W
e spend a large This isn’t necessarily negative;
portion of our hopefully our work supports
days, weeks, and us to live with meaning. But,
lives at work, sometimes, we may not feel
to the point where, often, the aligned to our role, or valued by
time we spend on developing our employer, or feel positively
our careers and businesses challenged by our job. Perhaps,
outweighs time with friends and our values no longer match with
families. the organisation we work for, or
the lack of career progression
may be holding us back.
As with all areas of life, things
can change. Our ambition
might outgrow the current
role we have at work.
Maybe we are
returning from
maternity
leave with a renewed sense of
identity, perhaps we have a new
manager who doesn’t support our
career ambitions, or we realise
that a 50-hour working week isn’t
for us anymore. It’s common to
have these thoughts, and to feel
out of sync with our working life
for some time before we review
and act towards change. Job
security and financial stability
can outweigh the possible risks
that come with a career move,
and we can start to feel ‘stuck’
instead of curious.
But the pandemic has created a
shift in workplace culture, and the
changes towards flexible working
have provided new opportunities,
reduced commuting, and
minimised office politics for
many. As a life and career coach,
many of the clients I work with
share thoughts on wanting to
make a positive impact through
their work, wanting to feel more
fulfilled, and to have more of a
balance between work and home.
As with all big life decisions,
it is important to move through

the fear that we first notice, and
into a place of open-minded
possibility. So, ask yourself these
five questions that can help you
to reconnect with your career
path and purpose.
1. Is your work
‘meaningful’ right now?
Having a sense of purpose in our
work keeps us motivated and
allows us to feel connected to
something bigger than ourselves.
What do you love most about
your role right now? Assess how
your company’s values align with
your own personal ones. Make a
note of when you can influence
positive change in your projects.
Recall the colleagues that inspire
you, who share your vision for a
supportive work environment.
2. Is your current role
making you feel valued?
Knowing that we are making a
difference, and that our time
and contributions matter, is
how we feel fulfilled. Reflect
on recent feedback, and note
Knowing that we are making a
difference is how we feel fulfilled
the contributions you have been
thanked for. Assess where and
how you enable your team and
organisation to achieve objectives
– does this make you feel proud?
Being appreciated helps our
motivation. Who is championing
you and sees your potential?
3. What new skills are you
learning through work?
Our capacity for learning is
endless, and each opportunity
for growth taps into our
potential. Access to learning and
development keeps us engaged and
motivated, whether this is through
formal learning, observing, or
saying ‘yes’ to new experiences.
Does your current role allow you
to stay curious, and seek out new
opportunities for growth?
4. How might you change or
improve your working life?
After considering the points
above, what do you notice? Reflect
on the elements that resonate
with you, and identify where
there may be a gap you would
like to close. There may be a
bigger calling, or you may be fully
invested in where you are right
now – there is no right or wrong
answer.
try this at home
5. What, if anything, is
holding you back from
making a change?
In some ways, this is the most
important question. Often, we
can instinctively know that we are
ready for change and are curious
to see how our future careers
could look, but the familiarity
of a current role keeps us in our
comfort zone.
If a career change, promotion, or
retraining ‘feels’ like an exciting
change, but overwhelming too
(which is completely normal) then
consider asking for support. A
coach or mentor can really help
us to challenge our thinking, and
to look for wider opportunities.
With this information and
support, we can begin to identify
the right career development plan
– one that is unique to our vision,
values, and potential.
Sarah Green is a person-centred life
and career development coach.
Find out more by visiting
lifecoach-directory.org.uk
happiful.com | Issue 64 | 77
 Throwaway sayings,
and why they’re so damaging
Understanding the impact of our words, and
how they can perpetuate stigma
L
anguage holds an
invisible power over
our lives. More than
a collection of words
and phrases, it is a vehicle for
ideas and experiences, and plays
a significant role in shaping how
we make sense of the world.
While we may not always be
aware of it, the words we wield
can also be weapons. They can
inflict harm and cause pain,
sometimes without our realising.
Casual ableism is a routine
occurrence in our language.
It shows up in everyday
expressions, throwaway remarks,
and off-the-cuff sayings which
perpetuate harmful assumptions
and misconceptions about
disabilities and mental illnesses.
With each time we describe a
dull event as ‘so depressing,’
a recollection of frustration
as ‘giving me PTSD’, or an
occasional habit as ‘a bit OCD,’
casual ableism is increasingly
normalised within our cultural
vernacular.
In her book, On The Offensive,
linguist Dr Karen Stollznow
78 | Issue 64 | happiful.com
Writing | Maxine Ali
highlights how mental health
conditions are often exaggerated
through colloquial phrases
used to discuss undesirable
traits or character flaws: an
egotistical politician is described
as a ‘narcissist’; a friend who
worries that other people don’t
like them is ‘paranoid’; and a
colleague who has difficulty
focusing on one task has
‘ADHD’. This metaphorising of
mental illness both trivialises
complex conditions, and fuels
their association with negative
qualities.
“My biggest pet peeve is when
people say, ‘I’m literally obsessed
with__,’” explains Kayla Kaplan,
who was diagnosed with OCD,
ADHD, a non-verbal learning
disorder in her mid-teens, and,
more recently, with PTSD. “It
paints obsession as a synonym to
really liking something and, in
my experience, literal obsessions
feel horrible. Being unable to
get your brain to stop obsessing
over something is one of the most
helpless feelings, and it shows
me that people who misuse the
word have no concept of what it
actually means.”
Bev Herscovitch, a healthcare
and disability advocate,
suggests that these throwaway
sayings can lead people with
mental illnesses to feel unsafe
and isolated, potentially
preventing them from opening
up to others, or seeking support
when they need it. Speaking
of her own experience as
someone diagnosed with
bipolar disorder and anxiety,
she says “It makes me feel
overwhelmed because I realise
there’s so much more work to
be done in just erasing stigma
and raising awareness.”
More troubling than
individuals using mental health
terminology in this casual
way, however, is organisations
and businesses treating them
as trends. “I’ve often come
across merchandise that says:
‘OCD (Obsessive Christmas
Disorder or Obsessive Cat
Disorder),’” Kayla comments.
“To misappropriate a diagnosis
for profit is a whole other level

of hurt, and it normalises doing
so at a massive scale.”
Of course, not everyone who
utters these sayings intends to
cause harm. More often than
not, people simply reproduce
ubiquitous turns of phrase
without much knowledge about
their origins or implications.
Our use of language is habitual,
rooted in ritual and convention.
When we reach into our mental
lexicon, searching for the right
phrase to describe a thought,
experience or idea, we tend not
to reflect on the gravity of our
words, or consider the beliefs
behind what we are saying.
However, even if the intent
may not have been to inflict
hurt, the impact still matters.
As Kayla tells me, these phrases
water down the language and
descriptors that disabled and
mentally ill people have available
for sharing their experiences
and symptoms. “It makes it
harder to advocate for ourselves
in neurotypical/non-disabled
spaces.”
an open mind
“People are not metaphors,”
Bev adds. “When you use mental
illness as a descriptor, you’re
erasing the actual experience of
people living with these illnesses.”
When we participate in casual
ableism, however unintentional,
it’s down to us to reflect on
how our words can be hurtful
and make a pledge to be more
careful and considerate moving
forwards. Though far from an
exhaustive list, here are some
sayings we should phase out from
our vocabulary. >>>
happiful.com | Issue 64 | 79
“I’m really OCD.”
OCD, an abbreviation for obsessive compulsive disorder, is often
used to describe someone who is tidy, organised, or conscious
about hygiene. Through sayings such as ‘I’m really OCD,’ it is framed
as a ‘fun little quirk’, or even a beneficial quality that helps people
keep their lives in order. However, this projects a stereotypical
image of OCD, and minimises the impact it can have on people’s
real lives.
If you’re attempting to highlight someone’s organisational skills,
a more accurate term than ‘OCD’ could be ‘neat’, ‘precise’, or
‘systematic’.

When you use
mental illness as a
descriptor, you’re
erasing the actual
experience of
people living with
these illnesses
“You’re being insane.”
It’s a little known fact that
the term ‘insane’ was once
a psychiatric label, before
being phased out in the
1950s by more scientific
terminology. Derived from
the Latin ‘insanus’, which
meant ‘mentally unsound’,
the term reflected the belief
of the time that those with
mental illnesses had lost
their sense of reason.
Today, ‘insane’ can be
used in a range of contexts,
both positive and negative.
Although no longer part
of psychiatric discourse
though, these senses
still draw on negative
perceptions of mental
illness. Instead of calling
something ‘insane’, try
‘exceptional,’ ‘exciting’, or
‘ridiculous’ depending on
the context.
“That’s totally crazy.”
Similar to ‘insane’, ‘crazy’
can have both positive and
negative connotations. People
can use it to mean something
is either ‘outrageously good’
or ‘utterly unreasonable’.
But the term is also rooted in
dehumanising views about
mental illness. ‘Crazy’ first
appeared during the 17th
century to mean ‘diseased’ or
‘sickly’, later coming to refer
to being of ‘unsound mind’.
While, arguably, the
meaning of ‘crazy’ has
expanded enough to overwrite
its offensive past, its ableist
etymology means that it can
still be incredibly hurtful for
people with mental illnesses
to hear.
“They’re a bit bipolar.”
‘Bipolar’ is often employed
to describe something as
unpredictable or inconsistent,
for example ‘The weather
is so bipolar today.’
However, this use reflects
an oversimplification of the
condition. “Bipolar disorder
is not erratic mood swings,”
says healthcare and disability
advocate Bev. “By casually
using bipolar in this context,
you’re erasing the nuances of
how it’s actually experienced.”
Some replacement terms
could include ‘turbulent’,
‘restless’, or ‘indecisive’.
an open mind
“They’ve got a schizo side.”
The phrase ‘schizo’ has
become slang for something
or someone who is frenzied
or eccentric. This sense
perpetuates incredibly
stigmatising stereotypes
about schizophrenia though.
A 2019 study looking at
representations of mental
health conditions in the UK
media found that the terms
‘schizo’ and ‘schizophrenic’
were used as linguistic
signatures for violence. This
common usage fuels the
belief that those who are
diagnosed with schizophrenia
are frightening and prone to
violence.
Besides ‘frenzied’, ‘eccentric’,
‘chaotic ', ‘agitated’, or ‘wild’
are also strong alternatives.
Being more careful and
considerate with our words
is an important step towards
eliminating the shame and
stigma surrounding disability
and mental illness. Though
language may not be the be-all
of social change, it is certainly
a powerful tool for creating a
kinder, more compassionate and
understanding world in which
people are heard and validated in
their experiences.
Maxine Ali is a writer, linguist, and
PhD researcher at King’s College
London, specialising in health
communication.
happiful.com | Issue 64 | 81
 A mindful moment:
a walk on the wild side
Find some freedom in the fresh air, and go for a walk in the wilderness
Writing | Rebecca Thair

W
hat’s more magical than
surrounding yourself
with the miracles of
the natural world? Taking the
time to appreciate the wonders
that surround you, the impact on
your mood and thoughts, and a
consideration of all your senses,
can help to ground you and uncover
a renewed sense of peace and
serenity.
You could take a route you’ve
never explored before to experience
your surroundings for the first
time, or allow your feet to follow
a familiar path to fully immerse
yourself in your senses. As you
stroll, ask yourself the following
questions, and reflect on the
prompts to make the most of the
present moment.
• How do you feel right now?
• Take three deep breaths.
• Take note of four different birds.
• Can you name three blue things
you can see?
• What can you taste?
• Describe four different sounds.
• Try to experience five different
textures, and appreciate them in
ways you may not have before.
• What can you feel on your skin
– the breeze, the sun’s warmth, a
touch of rain?
• What does your walking over the
forest floor sound like?
• What are you most drawn to
outdoors?
• What flowers are in bloom?
• How has your mood changed
since being outside?

Nature bingo
Squirrel Butterflies

Pine cone Bee

Feathers Nest

Snail Ladybird
Animal prints Yellow flowers
Moss

Y-shape twig

82 | Issue 64 | happiful.com
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