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9/7/2011 - 10/3/2011

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The Anarchist's Manifesto - or, whatever...

by sappgregg (The Daily Satire | Recently Popular Satire Stories)
Submitted at 9/13/2011 2:21:16 PM

The Anarchists Manifesto or Whatever By Gregg SAPP Today, the public approval ratings of the U.S. President and Congress are so low that they probably couldnt sink any lower, even if the whole gang of them got caught, butt naked and streaked with glow paint, dancing in a steamy group sex Conga line under the black-lit Capitol Rotunda, while a YouTube video of the event, which was backed by the soundtrack music from the Theme from Shaft, was personally sent via email attachment, marked URGENT, to everybody under the age of 18 in the entire world. A few people might shrug off this behavior because, at least, theyre finally getting something done. But everybody else would just have one more reason to continue despising the whole bunch of them. The problem with our national politicians is not just that they lie, equivocate, dissimulate, propagandize, and, when all else fails, filibuster. It is that, today, they actually seem to believe all of their bluster and nonsense. Republicans take their folly so far as to prove their integrity by signing their names to pledges not to do what any thinking person knows, deep down, is the best and fairest thing to do. Ideological purity requires such no less. As if there is any doubt who these politicians really serve. If you replaced every single American national politician with his or her largest corporate donor, the impact upon public policy would be nil.

To those who, like me, have finally reached the tipping point of scorn and disgust with our government that they are willing to try something radical, Id like to suggest that we give ANARCHISM a fair shot. Many thinking persons have long thought so. In her book, What is Anarchy?, Emma Goldman wrote that: The political arena leaves one no alternative, one must either be a dunce or a rogue. Are you listening, people living in Red States? And, no doubt as a result of having sung I Cant Get No Satisfaction so many times, Mick Jagger once observed, that Anarchy is the only slight glimmer of hope. He also said, Hey, you, get off of my cloud. That could be the anarchists rallying cry! To move an anarchist agenda forward, we must first we must dismiss certain prejudices and false impressions about what it is. It is NOT chaos, disorder, lawlessness, raping and pillaging or at least far less of those things that a typical day on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange. Anarchy merely means the absence of government. Every other species on this planet lives as anarchists. Why not homo sapiens, too? The problem with anarchism is that, historically, it has gotten a bad rap. In the movies, anarchism is portrayed as a kind of dystopian, post-apocalyptic future of bedlam, carnage, and ruination, where half-naked gladiators sporting nefarious tattoos and spiky hairdos engage in perpetual raids, attacks, ambushes, cage fights, and demolition derbies in order to determine who they have sex with, who gets the biggest slab of meat, and who gets to drive the monster truck home from the stadium. Lets give ourselves more credit than

that. Imagine, instead a blissful, anarchistic paradise in which each member seeks personal contentment in accordance with his needs and desires, utilizing only that essential but too often neglected quality, common sense. Rather than conscription, thered be cooperation. Rather than regulation, thered be discretion. Rather than ideology, thered be tolerance. And thered be no more polls! Popularity and approval wouldnt matter because wed all take responsibility when something goes wrong, rather than look for the nearest scapegoat. Governor Rick Perry of Texas says it is his goal, if elected president, to make government inconsequential to peoples lives. Really? I agree that the best thing for all of us is to make him, personally, as inconsequential as possible. Of course, he doesnt really mean what he said, though, because he wouldnt be running for president if he thought that. He wouldnt be doing anything. What he really means is that government should have no influence whatsoever over how people acquire their money. Or, their guns. And dont get the good governor started about the freedom to choose light bulbs. But Perrys ideal government does have consequences over just about everything else in citizens lives. By no means does he mean to suggest that government has anything less than the absolute right to listen in on your phone calls, dictate who you can make love to, restrict your reproductive rights, and insist that you drive on the right side of the road. Also, like all Republicans, he realizes that government is necessary in order to conduct wars, which are good for business and also placate citizens sense of righteous

indignation whenever somebody insults them. So Perry and the Tea Party really do need government. But they are only willing to pay for those parts of it that benefit them, personally. But what if some brave politician took the logic of government inconsequentiality one step farther, embracing the true and pristine doctrines of anarchism? Of course, this person couldnt get elected, but thats the whole point. So, in order to push the anarchist movement forward, I suggest that in the next election, and every election thereafter, visionary anarchists express their deepest yearnings for true freedom by using their right to write-in candidates other than those listed on the ballot. Lets start a writein campaign for nobody. Just leave the space blank. A perfect anarchy would be an election in which everybody eligible to vote, did, but nobody won. If you truly love liberty and freedom above all else, then you must logically be an anarchist. I think that itd be refreshing to wake up one day to the realization that nobody is in charge. Whats Utopia to some of us, though, probably scares the hell out of many others. I guarantee that if nobody wins the next election, the first people whining and clamoring for more and bigger government would be the same Tea Party members who are today demanding its abolition. Real freedom would be more than they could handle. My attitude toward them is -- oh, whatever. Whoever said be careful what you wish for, you might get it, was definitely not a Tea Party-er. Gregg Sapps first novel, Dollarapalooza was published by Switchgrass Books, 2011.

London Zoo make loan offer for Tevez

by Imp (The Daily Satire | Recently Popular Satire Stories)
Submitted at 9/29/2011 5:14:31 AM

Manchester Citys suspended striker Carlos Tevez is the subject of an audacious loan move by popular visitor attraction, London Zoo. The striker will not be training or playing with City for at least two weeks, leading to speculation regarding his future. Speculation that

executives at London Zoo are keen to exploit. A London Zoo spokesperson told us, What better way to think about your future than by enjoying a full-board carefree existence, all in return for the entertainment of a few school children. He can sit on as many benches as he likes here at the Zoo. As long as he doesnt throw faeces at the wall of his cage, were happy. Man City will need to continue

paying his wages, obviously, but well provide him with as many live animals as he can eat but not the endangered ones. This is not a publicity stunt, we believe an exhibit like Tevez which were thinking of calling The Petulant Ogre would do wonders for our global reputation. Tevez Suspended Tevezs commercial representative Kia Joorabchian has said that his client is considering the move, and

that people like Inter Milan should hurry up in case London Zoo snap him up. He told reporters, London Zoo know the value of a sulking multimillionaire, and have shown their commitment to Carlos by putting in place an entire new display area to show him off. Plus, weve talked it through and hes pretty happy that its definitely not in Manchester.

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Expert Warns of Risk of Death

by KarimJessa (The Daily Satire | Recently Popular Satire Stories)
Submitted at 9/12/2011 4:58:15 AM

The following are excerpts from a news presentation given by the distinguished authority on Health and Medicine, Lafra Dablawala, PhD, of the Research Dept. of Bakwas Institute, one of the world's leading medical universities. In a special report, the full details of which can be read in "The Ghanta Journal of Medicine," titled: "Death: Who Is At Risk?" the doctor says that results prove conclusively that all humans are at risk of dying at some point in their lives. After preliminary remarks explaining the latest breakthrough in medical research which has confirmed the risk of death for humans, the session was opened to questions from journalists representing the major newspapers of the world. Since the session got a bit out of hand due to the distress caused by the announcement, some journalists had to be forcefully ejected from the building. Q: Are the findings quite conclusive on this matter of death? A: Absolutely so. There is not slightest possibility of error. Death is a certainty for humans. Everyone is at risk. Q: How great of a risk? A: The odds are 100 percent for death. Q: But surely with all the advancement in science, there must be some way of preventing such a fatality for humans.

A: We see no possibility of preventing death for the foreseeable future. I wouldn't raise my hopes too high. Q: All these years Science has been promising to prolong life indefinitely, and now these disastrous findings. How do you explain it? A: We've known it all along, but the results were suppressed because it was felt humans weren't mature enough to face the truth. Q: Why reveal it now? A: It's time to grow up. Q: Doctor, have you heard of the mass hysteria and rioting that has been taking place in the major cities all over the world, due to the shock at the failure of science to produce the elixir of eternal life? A: Yes, I've heard the news. I would advise people to remain calm, and face their inevitable death bravely. Q: How about yourself? What was your response to the discovery? A: I'm a Christian; I don't have to worry about death. Q: Why don't the scientists try and learn from Christianity? I'm sure they wouldn't mind sharing their secret of eternal life. A: As scientists we are bound by our code of honor not to take any help from religion in this matter. Q: Coming back to science; we've been told that scientists have the solution to all the possible disasters threatening the world, except death. Can you elaborate on this. A: Well, it is true. We have the know -how and the technology for all possible disasters. We've already found the way to turn back Global Warming. By 2020, with perfect

hindsight, we shall look back to the empty threat of Global Warming. Also we have found the way to prevent earthquakes. We have already begun cutting a rift stretching from the North to the South Poles. The space created by this rift will enable the movement of the landmass, and so prevent earthquakes. We've already come up with vaccines for every possible disease. We already have artificial organs and limbs to replace any malfunctioning part of the body. We already have the biological computer which can be used as a transplant for the brain. Q: With all these at our disposal, why is death still a threat? A: We cannot break the code built into the human body. No computer can break that code. Humans will have to die. Q: What would you recommend people do to face this calamity? A: The answer is simple. We've been saying this for years. Regular exercise, healthy diet, regular sleep, no intoxicants, regular checkups, get all the vaccines, keep smiling, donate to charity, don't talk to strangers. Q: And will this prevent or postpone death in any way? A: Nothing can prevent or postpone death. Q: Then why bother to do all these things, if they're not going to help? A: Because of the economic consequences. If we announced the futility of doing anything to prolong life, there would be mass unemployment and business failure in all the industries which cater to health and wellness. Q: But we've been told of miraculous

cures, and feats of medical expertise which have been able to keep patients alive almost indefinitely. A: I'm afraid we recently found out that the patients who were kept alive were those who remained alive. The same treatments were ineffective where the patients died. Q: Is there anyway, then, that anyone can live to be a hundred years old? A: There have been significant results from studies which show that longevity postpones death. Based on that I'd suggest that you live longer. If you live to be a hundred years old, you will have postponed death. Q: So there is some good news after all! A: This is nothing new. This had already been discovered by the Early Stone Age. If you can live long enough, you can postpone death. But you cannot prevent it. For all those people out there panicking and rioting, I'd say, go back to your homes, and hang on to your lives. Q: All in all, how would you sum up the findings and the consequences to humans? A: After deep and prolonged reflection on the matter, and after much debate with my associates, there is a clear consensus that nothing has changed. Everything is as it was, except that now we are aware of it. Dr. Lafra Dablawala then went on to discuss specific illnesses and other health issues. Due to limitations of space this information will be provided in next week's bulletin.

The Think Tank

by KarimJessa (The Daily Satire | Recently Popular Satire Stories)
Submitted at 9/13/2011 11:29:08 AM

The Gappa Institute, a think tank bringing together top scholars of the world, has issued its preliminary report. The suggestions have been forwarded to the various governmental or international bodies that deal with the issues addressed in the report. 1: The think tank has advised that death should be declared illegal. Their reasoning is that, since death by suicide is illegal, and death by homicide is illegal, all other deaths, especially negligence leading to accidental death, should also be declared illegal. The group based its decision on Freud's Death Instinct, which supports their reasoning that all deaths, particularly accidental death, are simply a form of suicide, and hence should not be permitted. 2: A recent survey on the question of Advantages and Disadvantages of Being a Child has found that the majority of children would rather skip

childhood and go directly to adulthood. At the same time, the survey found that the majority of adults look back nostalgically to their childhood. The think tank has suggested that newborn children should be kept in hibernation till they are adults, so that they skip the painful childhood years. And the daycare centers which will be left unoccupied due to lack of children, should be made open to adults who wish to revisit their younger years. 3: The most pressing concern of every single human is the fear of growing old. The Gappa Institute has recommended the following solution which promises to revolutionize people's lives by giving them new hope of longevity. The group based its thinking on the daylight savings time. Just as the time change was introduced to give extra daylight hours but is actually a false saving of time, it has been suggested that people's birthdays should only be counted every two years. This will have the immediate consequence of halving people's ages, and make them feel younger based on their half age.

4: There have been complaints that lottery winners don't deserve their winnings. The two groups that protest the loudest at the huge amounts of lottery winnings going to undeserving winners, are those who've never won anything and those who've become rich through their own efforts. The group came to a split decision over this issue. The suggestions have been forwarded to the Human Rights Commission, whose decision is yet to be announced. The two suggestions were: One, the lottery winners should be allowed to keep the winning tickets, have their pictures and stories run in the newspapers, be allowed to celebrate their win, and then turn over the winnings to the poor countries of the world. The opposing suggestion was, the lottery winners should keep the winnings but the publicity should be given to a non-winner, combined with a free trip at the expense of the winner. 5: The subject which caused the most heated discussion was the one about defining what makes a good person. The argument ran aground on the question of who should decide the definition of a good person.

Those who said the good person should be the one to decide what makes a good person were faced with the objection of how to pick the good person who will decide on the goodness of others. Those who suggested a bad person would be the best judge of what they lack in order to be good were opposed by the question of how to decide who is the bad person. The good point to themselves as examples of goodness, which says nothing at all. The bad don't think they're bad, and claim that those who call them bad are the bad ones trying to hide their badness. The argument was still raging as the bulletin went to press. At last report Swami was throwing ladoos at Vasudeva, and Dr. Lafra Dablawala was recommending moderation in the size of the ladoos. Raj was hugging his teddy bear, while Simi was hugging him. Anil and Ramana were trying to work out new definitions for humans and animals.

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Doctor's Recommendations
by KarimJessa (The Daily Satire | Recently Popular Satire Stories)
Submitted at 9/12/2011 4:00:22 PM

This is a sequel to the news presentation which was reported in the previous week's bulletin, titled: "Expert Warns of Risk of Death." For the information of readers who may have missed the previous column, the presentation was given by Lafra Dablawala, PhD (Bakwas Institute, Dodogoro, LOK) who authored the article published in the prestigious "Ghanta Journal of Medicine." After discussing the contents of the article titled "Death: Who is at Risk?" Dr. Dablawala had then opened up the session to questions from journalists representing the leading newspapers of the world. The following are some of the questions addressed by the Doctor. Q: Every packaged food is required to have a nutritional chart. The amounts listed on these charts are always based on RDA. How do they come up with these figures? A: Just to elaborate, RDA stands for Recommended Dietary Allowance, sometimes referred to as Recommended Daily Allowance. The recommended amounts are based on the level sufficient to meet the requirements of the average person. Q: How do you determine the average person? I mean, how would anyone know if the amounts mentioned are more or less than what they need?

A: That is a very good question you have raised. You see, there does not really exist any such being as "the average person." Out of the six billion people, now actually seven billion, one would be hard-pressed to find an average person. But Science has to have a yardstick on which to base its findings so.... Q: So? Where do they get the average person? A: As I was going to say, if you hadn't cut in, Science did find an average being. We use the monkey as the average. Q: Are you serious? A: Perfectly so. Look at people generally. They all fall below, or exceed, expectations. Now look at the monkey. It stands at a point exactly halfway. If you were to leave a human child in the wild to fend for itself, supposedly if it could survive, it would grow up to the level of the monkey. In fact, the monkey might exceed the human in quite a few respects. Q: So you're saying that the dietary amounts marked on food packages are sufficient for a monkey? A: Yes. And every person is required to judge as to whether to take those amounts, or less, or more. Q: Doctor, I have another question. We're told that sitting down all day could lead to blood clots. Also we're told that standing all day could lead to varicose veins, and less blood reaching the brain. What is the right thing to do? A: Follow the golden mean. A little bit of this; a little bit of that. You may

try doing the Headstand, as in Yoga. Q: I would like to ask about aging. How can we turn back the clock? A: It all depends on whether you're using an analog or a digital clock. Q: How do we extend our life expectancy? A: You must expect more from life. Q: Doctor, what about depression? I read somewhere that life can leave you feeling depressed; and it is obvious that thoughts of death can leave you feeling depressed. What should we think about? A: Think of love. That should take care of your depression. Q: Do you have any recommendations for reversing memory loss in seniors? A: They must try and remember more. Q: They say we must save the environment and use reusable shopping bags. But I've heard that there are health risks in reusable bags. What do you recommend? A: Wear gloves, and don't use the bags to cover your head when it's raining. Q: Soy-based foods are recommended for good health. Yet, there was an article recently that soybased foods could slowly kill you. A: Moderation. Remember, follow the average allowance. Q: The amount sufficient for a monkey, you mean? A: Look how healthy the monkeys are. Q: Can the life expectancy of monkeys be extended? A: Well, monkeys don't expect

anything. How can they have a life expectancy? Q: But if monkeys are fed according to the RDA amounts, can they live longer? A: Quite likely. You see, monkeys behave themselves; they don't get up to any mischief. Humans are always getting into trouble. Even if you create the perfect living conditions, humans will still manage to die. Ask Freud; he knew what he was saying. Q: So why do some people live to be a hundred years old? A: They must know how to turn back their clocks. Q: In general, what would your advice be for good health? A: Moderation; moderation. Follow the golden mean. And follow the average recommendations in all matters. Q: You mean, learn to live like monkeys? A: That is all the time we have for today. In closing, let me reiterate that being average is the best means for happiness and a healthy life. If you fall below the average, obviously you'll feel inferior, and if you strive to become better than average you'll suffer from stress. There were shouts of "back to the apes" as the building was vacated. Look for further bulletins from this distinguished authority in Medicine, Dr. Lafra Dablawala, or subscribe to the "Ghanta Journal of Medicine." To contact the Doctor, email him at Bakwas Institute, Dodogoro, LOK.

The Vain Monster

by MADelaney (The Daily Satire | Recently Popular Satire Stories)
Submitted at 9/7/2011 1:01:02 PM

Lady Gaga annoys me. Why you ask? (Im sure you would, if only out of common courtesy.) Is it because of her lack of talent? No, I actually appreciate some of her songs and think she has a decent voice when not hiding behind generic electro-pop tunes and catchy chorus hooks. So is it because she encourages an unhealthy relationship with her demented fan base? No, I couldnt care less about them. Then is it because the lyrics to the majority of her songs make no sense? Well, yes, but theres more. What I most hate about Lady Gaga is her individuality. Dont get me wrong, I hate conformity as much as the next guy. I rebelled at school too, wearing my tie two or three buttons below the collar and leaving my shirt untucked, but I never even considered turning up to

school in a uniform made of bacon. You may call this a failure of imagination or lack of creativity but I call it knowing when to stop. Which Gaga obviously doesnt. I dont mind her wearing crazy outfits or singing ridiculous songs about her hair but the message behind it all is irksome to say the least. Every time she sings the words I was born this way I feel my ire rise, because she wasnt. She wasnt born with a wig and a dress made of bubbles or whatever her latest fashion faux pas is. Its the age-old message that cultural icons like Gaga have always advocated: be true to yourself. It sounds good but why is it always socially accepted freaks that try to inspire us with these words. When I try to be true to myself I dont end up wearing food. Even Madonna, one of Lady Gagas idols, has told French reporters that she is unsure whether her behavior is rooted in something deep and meaningful, or superficial. (Thats right, I did my research.) Not

that Madonna is one to judge really, but these people who tell us to be ourselves are always vying for the limelight, and none more so than Gaga. The worst part is the thousands who hear her message and think they need to imitate her. The neurotic teens with more emotional baggage than Heathrow airport can lose in a year. They wear their makeshift clothes and flamboyant wigs and admonish onlookers with lines from Gagas songs. In the end, they live like fervent bible-bashers, quoting I am my hair and I was born this way as some kind of justification while the watching world feels embarrassed on their behalf. Then there are the ones who are actually intelligent enough to realize how pathetic they look. They go one of two ways: they convince themselves of their own inadequacy and teeter on the brink of depression, saved only by the music of the very example they can never live up to or

they imitate her regardless, telling themselves that this is how they have to express their personality no matter how uncomfortable it makes them. And there is nothing worse than somebody who dresses differently but doesnt have the conviction to be confident about it. Like the long greasy-haired metal-heads who insist of wearing dark colored band hoodies but wont meet anyones eye because they are afraid of seeing disapproval in their eyes. And all of this in pursuit of a lie. Gaga wasnt born that way. She became rich and famous and now she is that way. Coincidence? I think not. The fact is she need publicity so she decided to champion the underdogs. After all, there are more loser than winners. And if proof were needed, we need look only to her first two album titles, The Fame and The Fame Monster.

Cambridge University to Offer Degree in Creation Science

by pipermac (The Daily Satire | Recently Popular Satire Stories)
Submitted at 9/21/2011 11:59:42 AM In a surprising move Cambridge

University has announced that they will be offering a degree in Creation Science. Creationists from all over

are tout...

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How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love The Fame

by CMAmos (The Daily Satire | Recently Popular Satire Stories)
Submitted at 9/12/2011 5:26:33 PM

I stared at the large poster that read: Fame Wants You! on the far side of the room for nearly a minute before realising what was going on. Everyone around me had burst into tears; cursing and screaming at the top of their lungs. Oh, thats great! Im really happy for you! Break a leg in the next round! Another contestant had wrapped her arms around me, weeping like a pathetic child into my chest. My left testicle was throbbing. I pushed her away and smiled awkwardly; physical comfort always made me feel uneasy. I had to sit down. Shirt soaking and balls aching, I pulled out my phone from my right pocket and hesitated before dialing the number. My father answered, You know, son, regardless of todays outcome, youll always be a bitter disappointment to me. Hi Dad, hows it going? Fuck you,

too, I replied. So yeah, I got through. Just thought Id let you know, considering I am your only son and all. Yeah, dont remind me. So youre really going through with this? You cant just get a real fucking job like everyone else? Jesus, your mother would be turning in her grave, he sighed. Mum isnt dead, Dad; shes screwing your best friend. And yes, of course I am. Why would I want to turn out to be a sour old bastard like you? I made physical adjustments to my underwear; I couldve sworn they were swelling up. Why you miserable little cu-, I hung up on him and went outside for a smoke. The day of the second round was far worse than the first. I sat in the waiting room hoping for a plane to crash on us, or for a deadly virus to spread around at an alarming rate, causing all contestants, (myself included) to vomit blood and pus, ultimately collapsing into a state of comatose - anything to distract me from the sinking feeling in my stomach. Unfortunately, the convulsion didnt

happen and my name was being called out to enter the audition room. Clayton, is it? Okay, let me just start out by saying we take this competition very seriously and we must be certain that every contestant feels the same way. What makes you think that you have what it takes? The judge at the centre of the panel fixed on me an authoritative and stern gaze. Well, my home life is a shambles. My mum left my dad three years ago and now all I have is my selfloathing, porn, drugs and money. Oh, and the singing. The throbbing was more aggressive than ever. You know, apathy doesnt win these competitions. If you get through this, youll be interviewed afterwards. You are aware of this? The blonde woman to the right of him interjected. This isnt being filmed? And now the headaches. Well, when you are, be sure to make the audience weep. Its good for the ratings. The stage is yours. She added nonchalantly. I got about fifteen seconds into my audition when the judge in the middle gestured to stop. Thats enough. You know, its a

good thing we werent filming right now, because I think the studio execs would be straight down here and cancel us on the spot. You are the most insipid, listless and untalented contestant weve had on our show today. You can leave. He turned to his peers for concurrence and like automatons, they nodded in unison. That night as I lay in bed, aching and sweating, I realised that I fucked up badly. I shouldve used my trump card, but instead I chose the honest approach. Yeah Dad, I made it through. Haha, I know. Shocking, isnt it? Well, see you on the flip! I turned on my side and watched the night sky as all the stars winked in discordance. The paper on which I write this is as white as my skin and the walls that surround me. While the monitor beeps my life away and the bedsprings creak as I struggle for comfort, a sharp, aggressive pain grips me and I think to myself: shit, that prize money wouldve come in handy... But its okay, cause the ratings are through the roof!

The Weak : In Technology Aug. 29th - Sept 2nd, 2011

by thegrindery (The Daily Satire | Recently Popular Satire Stories)
Submitted at 9/11/2011 11:06:20 PM

The Internet To Be Erased On Thursday Due to lack of interest and weak usage the Internet will be erased this coming Thursday leaving all traces of a failed system behind. Carl Holt of ICANN expressed little emotion when giving the news at a sparsely attended press conference last Friday. We thought that the Internet would really take off, but unfortunately it has not. Since 1993 people have been trying to capitalize on the vast computer network and ability to instantaneously share information with little to no success. I regret to inform everyone that next Thursday, September 15th, 2011 we will reformat the Internets hard drives and unplug the network cable from the wall leaving yet-another failed medium of information sharing behind us. Last Time AT&T Checked This Was Still A Free-Fucking-Country AT&T responded to the Department

of Justices blocking of the purchase of carrier T-Mobile telling investigators that the last time they checked this was the United States and we were still a free-fuckingcountry. Tell me what I did, huh? Just tell me what I did and Ill shut up, yelled a drunken, belligerent AT&T from the back of a Washington D.C. police cruiser. Im sorry, I thought this was a free country and I could use my money and excellent credit history to buy the 3rd-largest mobile provider in the United States. AT&T will be facing charges of resisting arrest, public urination, public indecency, obstruction of official business, and driving under suspension. President Obama To Sign Video Game Industry Bailout Bill Republican backed bill HB432 is scheduled to hit the Presidents desk later today. The bill being called the American Escape From Reality Because They Cant Even Fucking Handle It Anymore Bill was unanimously passed by Republicans and Democrats and is expected to be signed by the President first thing in the morning.

This bailout will save thousands of jobs by keeping the doors of laborintensive sweatshop game developers open. It will also free up jobs that are not being done well by giving lazy slobs better games so they quit their jobs and allow productive Americans to make some money, said the President on Wednesday. Now, if youll excuse me, my guild is raiding the Serpentshrine Cavern in about 15 and we need to get our shit together. Intel Army Gaining Key Strategic Positions Against AMD Entering the 3rd week of the IntelAMD war, sources close to Intel forces tell us that the Intel army has cut off key strategic positions and will enter the main AMD compound by the end of the week. AMDs leader King Athlon IV assured his people that these reports are absurd and that they have not even seen an Intel soldier in Radeon City. AOL / YAHOO! To Merge Brands Into The Single Shittiest Company Since Packard Bell / Cyrix AOL announced last week that they plan to follow through on what may be one of the top-five worst decisions made by an IT company in the past ten years.

Tim Armstrong addressed an annoyed and largely confused Board of Directors late Friday evening to share the latest strategy. We believe that we can simultaneously merge two brands which, at one point, actually mattered. And cost thousands of people their jobs, at the same time. This catastrophic, irresponsible, and just plain crazy strategy is the final step in the Make AOL A Symbol Of Obsolescence project that we started back in 1998 with the purchase of CompuServe, and continued with the purchase of ICQ, Netscape, and several other once-decent companies. Thank you all for coming out, I will now go back to my office to work on a bunch of other weird shit that is completely devoid of financial prosperity. About The Weak: In Technology, By Tim Horton Presented by The Grindery,@thegrindery. The Grindery | Punching You In The Mouth With Technology News

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A LITTLE The Weak: In Technology September 12 - September 16, 2011 PRIVACY .

by thegrindery (The Daily Satire | Recently Popular Satire Stories)
Submitted at 9/19/2011 8:59:11 AM

RIM Shareholders Ask Board Of Directors To Sell Company, Kill Selves Research In Motions (RIM) Board of Directors received a no-holdsbarred letter from shareholders recently requesting that they either sell the companys intellectual property or sell the entire company altogether. The letter continued on suggesting that the company was no longer innovating and it was best to salvage what is left and try to make some lost money back. The last two paragraphs gave board members explicit step-by-step instructions on how to purchase a high-caliber handgun from a local sporting goods store and using it to fire a single shot through their own cerebellums. This step is important to ensure that you people never get the opportunity to destroy another company like you did this one, continues the letter. AT&T Execs Celebrate After Successfully Launching 2-Year-Old Technology To 9-Square-Miles Of The United States. AT&T Executives popped champagne, dropped confetti and

patted each other on the back after successfully launching their new LTE network. LTE Technology, which has been available for some time from carriers like Clearwire and Verizon, is now active in a small area of five cities from AT&T. We believe this is a new day for AT&T. All 168 customers in those areas with LTE-capable phones could possibly notice a higher data rate when accessing a website or service that is not throttling mobile bandwidth to a rate under 3G speeds. As of press time four out of the five cities were experiencing an LTE network outage. George Lucas Already Regretting The Star Wars BluRay Release Legendary filmmaker George Lucas is already in a state of deep regret regarding the launch of the Star Wars BlueRay collection. I dont know why I thought this would be a good idea. Seriously, every single time I try to produce something or do something creative with Star Wars this freakshow community gets its panties in a bunch. Really, Im not sure what the problem is. I add new effects, I increase the clarity of the picture by, what, 90000%. I, as an accomplished film writer, director and producer, slightly change the cut of the film

using the knowledge and experience I have gained over the past 30 years to better fit my original vision for the film, and IM the bad guy. Sorry. I tell you what if you really think that being able to see peoples faces clearly and having a ship flying through space without seeing threads hanging from it ruins the movie then you are a colossal assbag. Ok? There, I said it. I cant wait for the new Microsoft XBox TV to come out! Excitedly Exclaims Absolutely No One Microsoft announced that it will begin producing a new smart-tv based on the XBox platform. The lowlyanticipated breaking news was met with a fanfare of crickets chirping and at one point the windswept cracking sound of tumbleweed was heard amid the near-dead-silence. Major big-box retailers, such as Best Buy, say they have already taken as many as zero pre-orders in a complete lack of anticipation of the release date which no one has bothered to remember. About The Weak: In Technology, By Tim Horton Presented by The Grindery,@thegrindery. The Grindery | Punching You In The Mouth With Technology News

. . PLEASE
by AsylumEarth (The Daily Satire | Recently Popular Satire Stories)
Submitted at 9/30/2011 9:09:21 AM

The Weak : In Technology Sept 19th - Sept 23rd, 2011

by thegrindery (The Daily Satire | Recently Popular Satire Stories)
Submitted at 9/26/2011 4:41:01 PM

Facebook Changes, Hilarity Ensues The world erupted in happiness and celebration last week when Facebook changed major aspects of the design and functionality of their site. Users were quick adopt the changes and responded with an overwhelmingly positive vigor. Im so glad that I no longer have to wade through all those posts! Facebook decides what is important for me. For instance, my Aunt Debbie got in a bad car accident, which is sad so I dont care to read about it. And Facebook hid it for me! At the same time, by bestie Chandra bought this great new suede jacket and Facebook marked it for me so I could comment and Like it! said 5-year Facebook veteran, Aubra Downing. HPs Stock Rises On News That Board Of Directors Is Preparing To Lynch Current CEO During a press conference held in a

barn at the back of Wittmanns dairy farm, back yonder by the old schoolhouse, the HP board of directors announced their intention to murder CEO Leo Apotheker. Clem Anderson, who owns just over 4% of HP, spoke to a rowdy group of varmints who was all itchin to teach Apotheker a lesson. We dun set back too long, yelled Anderson, weilding a pitchfork. Leo dun stoled our money, he been sayin things that are crazy. Its his fault that the TouchPad failed and that HP dont be gettin it no more market shares. We cant let HP lose the tablet market. Apotheker is reportedly holed up real nice in his mansion with plenty of bullets an a big ol shotgun. Barbie: Jet, Set & Style Released For Nintendo Wii and DS. Andrea Walters, 8, Very Excited. Mattel and THQ jumped up and down and loudly squealed on Tuesday when they got to call Andrea Walters, a third-grader at McDonnell Elementary to tell her that their new game had been released.

Andrea will be purchasing the title in approximately two months when she saves up $20 of allowance. This will bring THQs total sales for this title to 1, doubling the sales of their previous Barbie title. Newly Discovered Particle Moves Faster Than Light Scientists have discovered a new type of particle which witnesses say can move faster than the speed of light. The particle, made mostly from cocoa, sugar, flour, and eggs, when sat in front of Beth Carnegie, can reach speeds topping 186,000 milesper-second, the known speed of light. Witnesses say that Beth has been known to damn-near inhale and entire plate of Pillsbury Extra-Fudge Brownies from 14 inches away in slightly over 8-quadrillionths of a second. About The Weak: In Technology, By Tim Horton Presented by The Grindery,@thegrindery. The Grindery | Punching You In The Mouth With Technology News

Or, Just What Part of Privacy Didnt You Understand Claude Charles Shaw is White Oaks (TX) newest millionaire, the Texas Lottery Commission has announced (From Staff Reports, Tuesday, May 3, 2011/Longview News-Journal). Shaw claimed a prize worth $1 million after finding it in the Texas Lottery Black Series II Limited Edition scratch-off ticket. It is further reported . . . The winner requested minimal publicity. Nuff said, youd think . . . Think again, seems asking for minimal publicity means we are going to get several paragraphs of information about good ole Claude. As the article continued . . . According to the Gregg (County) Appraisal District, Claude lives in a 924-square-foot home in the 110 block of South Superior Road just outside the White Oak city limits. What . . . no phone number? Oh, I neglected to read on . . . Shaw has an unlisted phone number and was not home Tuesday morning. Now let me recap . . . Mr. Shaw (who we just call, good ole Claude) requested minimal publicity and we now know what size home he lives in (germane to what Im at a complete loss to explain) the road/street and hundred block of said road/street he lives on and its relative location to the town of White Oak (TX). Oh, and he has an unlisted phone number or we, most likely, would have had that little tidbit of information as well . . . Minimal publicity Claude? Hows that working out? I dont know about you, but Ive seen announcements for smaller lottery winnings with a half page photo of the winner holding the check but with a lot less information than we now know about good ole Claude. The square footage of his home? Now I may be going way out on a ledge here, but it might be a fare assumption that people living in a small home out in the boondocks might just not want every taxing authority and debt collector knowing where they live. It is also a pretty good assumption that good ole Claude can now afford, and is going to need, a bigger home to accommodate all those new family members and close friends he never knew he had thanks to the minimal publicity he just received. T. Michael Barclay Asylum Earth

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Georgia Executes Man They're 'Pretty Darn Sure' was Guilty

by cliffparnell (The Daily Satire | Recently Popular Satire Stories)
Submitted at 9/22/2011 1:39:14 PM

Best Baby Satires Out Now! - Save 20%

by admin (The Daily Satire | Recently Popular Satire Stories)
Submitted at 9/10/2011 5:26:30 PM

Maintaining that Troy Davis "was probably guilty- we're almost sure of it," the State of Georgia today executed the 42-year-old Savannah man, who just happens to be AfricanAmerican. The Georgia Board of Pardons and Parole on Wednesday denied Davis last-ditch attempt for clemency. Yes, we know there was no evidence - no murder weapon, no DNA, no confession, no videotape, not much of anything, really.but come onthe guys black, said Board member Mary Jo Beth McDirt. And we

already hired the executioner guy. He had to take a day off from the slaughterhouse - wed have to pay him anyhow if we called it off. That would just be a waste. The Georgia Court of Appeals earlier had denied Davis request for a new trial, ruling that the murdererI meandefendant, had failed to prove his own innocence, as required by Article 7 or 8 of the U.S. Constitution. Chief Justice Harley Joe Bob McDirt cited an earlier Georgia case, Flintstone v. Rubble, which held that without photographic evidence of the dinosaurs, were just gonna have to go with the whole Adam-and-Eve thing. Davis was convicted in 1991 of

killing an off-duty white man. At his trial, the prosecutions star witness testified that a black guy who looked a whole lot like Davis very possibly could have been the guy that fired the gun. Asked to identify the shooter in a police line-up shortly after the crime, the witness had confidently pointed out Davis, after first pointing out Sammy Davis, Jr., Gary Coleman, the guy from the Allstate commercials, and Colin Powell. The witness then passed out after losing all the blood in his body. Asked to comment on the seven witnesses who have since recanted their testimony, prosecutor Cletus McDirt replied, "The what?" Troy Davis could not be reached for comment.

David Beckham tells Victoria they are moving to QPR

by bobby (The Daily Satire | Recently Popular Satire Stories)
Submitted at 9/19/2011 12:29:46 PM

David Beckham is hoping to secure a switch from LA Galaxy to West London glamour club QPR: "I am fully focused on moving to QPR and helping them win the Olympics Games " said Beckham. The 36 year old footballer has been eyeing up a move to QPR for some time and still believes he can do the business at the highest level. But David Beckham is yet to persuade his wife Victoria to move from their luxury home on Venice Beach in Hollywood to up and coming Shepherd's Bush: "Victoria

still thinks that QPR is a naff club owned by pikeys" said Beckham. But the proposed deal looks to be back on now that Bernie Ecclestone and Flavio Briatore have sold QPR to classy Team Lotus boss Tony Fernandez. Hello magazine have reported that Victoria is warming to the idea of David representing QPR at London 2012 after chatting to best friend Angelina Jolie: "Angelina and Brad are spending a year filming in East Acton and they are raving about QPR" said the Ex Spice Girl. The speculation intensified after Victoria and Angelina were papped in Shepherd's Bush Market buying plantains. And now it has been revealed that

Angelina and Brad are next door neighbours of QPR manager Neil Warnock in leafy Richmond: "We had Angelina, Brad, David and Victoria around for a barbeque in my garden with other new recruits Joey Barton and Sean Wright-Phillips" wrote Neil Warnock in his column for The Independent. An insider at the club has told the Shepherd's Bush Gazette that once the David Beckham deal is tied up Brad Pitt will be the next marquee signing to be offered a contract at QPR: " Playing for QPR in the Olympic Games with David Beckham would be awesome" said Brad Pitt.

Our short story book 'Best Baby Satires' is out now! Featuring the winners and best runners up from our short story writing competition, plus more, this 18 story anthology is sure to keep you laughing for hours. With loads of thought provoking and witty social satire, some great spoofs / parodies, and a healthy dose of silliness, we are sure that this book presents the best collection of satirical short stories that you can buy. Head on over to the Lulu website, who we have partnered with for our launch, and you can get a 20% discount on Best Baby Satires right now, but move fast because the discount is only a temporary giveaway to celebrate the launch of our first ever print publication! And if you have a Kindle reader, or an iPad, or some other fancy piece of technology that you like to read ebooks on - then keep an eye out here cos we are planning releases for these formats very soon!

Helpdesk Worker Fantasizes About Killing Every Person He Talks To

by thegrindery (The Daily Satire | Recently Popular Satire Stories)
Submitted at 9/14/2011 8:22:17 AM

David Walliams announces plan to read entire iTunes T&Cs for comic relief
by Imp (The Daily Satire | Recently Popular Satire Stories)
Submitted at 9/29/2011 5:14:12 AM

Over the past several years Hoskins has gone from a motivated, outgoing student worker, who once aspired to become a manager or director, to a bitter, contempt-filled cynic. Nearly every aspect of human existence disgusts Hoskins and each day of having to answer the same asinine questions drives him even deeper into his pit of hatred.

Charity fundraiser and professional ordeal undergoer David Walliams has announced plans to raise money for comic relief by reading the entire terms and conditions for Apples iTunes product. The plan is for Walliams to begin reading in the week running up to Comic Relief, and to finish in time to press accept live on air some time during the national broadcast. A spokesperson for Comic Relief said, David has done so much for us already, so we are hugely grateful

that hes willing to put himself through this in the name of charity. We believe there have been a few people whove attempted this feat in the past, but never all in one go as David is planning. Im sure there are people out there thinking its just reading, but I challenge any of you to spend a couple of hours reading the iTunes terms and conditions, and then you can imagine a fraction of the hell David faces in trying to complete the whole thing. Walliams in training Walliams spoke to the press at the launch of his new appeal, and asked the nation to give generously. He told reporters, I realise that

swimming the length of the Thames is an ordeal few can really relate to but there are millions of people in this country who have been faced with the iTunes terms and conditions, and I would ask each of them to give generously. They know the deep anguish and tedium I will be facing throughout this challenge, and I only hope I will raise enough money to make it all worthwhile. Yes, Ive been in training, and Ive done War and Peace a couple of times this month, so I think Im just about ready.

Productive Meeting Ruined By Windbag Know-It-all

by thegrindery (The Daily Satire | Recently Popular Satire Stories)
Submitted at 9/22/2011 7:53:49 AM

One of the few productive meetings amongst software developers at Super -State Sign Co. was completely derailed when windbag Scott Dorsey started in with his crap again.

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Just Douche It | Spoof Ads | Adbusters

by TheDailyShadow (The Daily Satire | Recently Popular Satire Stories)
Submitted at 10/2/2011 2:00:59 PM

This Adbusters image is a great spoof ad for the giant Nike corporation. Head on over to their site for loads more.

Walter Pandiani Sweating Time Lapse (3000% Speed)

by benchurchill (The Daily Satire | Recently Popular Satire Stories)
Submitted at 9/29/2011 10:48:37 PM

Here's the video of Walter Pandiani sweating at a press conference... but sped up 3000% the speed. 8 minutes = 15 seconds.