SEM. BRYAN S.

VALENZUELA
Special Philosophy 2 - Unitas 2027
Psycho-Spiritual Dynamics of the Experience of Radical Conversion

TOWARDS GOD AND TOWARDS GREATER SELF-AWARENESS

After reading the discipline of solitude, I am being reminded by a quotation, "alone but

not lonely." Pondering these words, I am able to determine that not all alone time means that it

should be depressing. It needs to be seen as a period for inner spiritual peace, an alone time with

God, a time for quietness and stillness, or sometimes defined as an opportunity for introspection.

I thought solitude just meant being by oneself. From the perspective of a person who

experienced being bullied, I became solitary, or practiced solitude. I would say that it is simply

trying to escape from people who would not help preserve my mental health. I was hiding from

them and, as much as possible, not talking to them. My initial notion was that being solitary

meant being a hater of my surroundings. It was through being alone that I found a temporary

peace of mind. Though I had achieved peace, I knew that I was lonely during those moments. I

was hoping that someday I would be able to talk to them. I felt heaviness of heart and severe

melancholy. I experienced self-pity because I was too focused on the bad situation rather than

reflecting on it.

I realized that I was defining solitude in a pretty limited manner. It was not until I went

back to the seminary that I really knew the deeper definition of solitude because I was able to

define it not by words but by experiencing it at some points. The seminary formation helped me

to deepen the words by deepening my spiritual life. As I progressed in the seminary, I was able

to enjoy the moments where I thought I was just being alone with God and doing nothing, but

actually it helped me find inner peace and a silent heart amidst unbearable situations and a noisy
environment. My knowledge, tolerance, and love for other people grow as I spend more time

alone. I am able to survive the abyss of issues more and more as I grow closer to God.

Solitude does not only help me have a deeper relationship with God, but I am also able to

see and relate to others on a more personal level. In the book, Richard Foster states that

whenever there is solitude, there is a capacity to become more affectionate toward others. This

holy moment of being alone makes us more appreciative of the company of others. It does not

mean that to enjoy the solitary experience, I must only practice it with myself. Solitude also

means being with other people but not losing myself. I enjoy the company of others, but if the

time comes that I will be on my own, I will maintain the true joy in my heart because I know I

have found the true source of joy, God, the Divine Center, whom I should focus my vision on. In

solitude, I can see myself as part of a bigger community. I found that solitude is more

meaningful when I see others as blessings from God. I know that I had the bad experience of

being bullied, but that does not mean I am exempt from relating to them. Solitude taught me how

to be forgiving because it reveals our unworthiness before God.

In the seminary, I am taught to become solitary at some point in my formation. After all,

priesthood means a ministry grounded in the Divine Center, which is God. When things get

rough in the seminary, I prefer to be solitary in order to see things clearly in a reflective manner,

where there is fruitfulness in this moment of silence with God. I was expecting that I would not

be able to become friendly with my fellow brothers because I was afraid of being judged by

them. I was afraid to be criticized by them. I am prepared that they will not like me. This

perception killed me every time I was in a community. I am prepared to be unnoticeable, to be

with myself most of the time, and to be hated. I was wrong because solitary helped me to deliver

from this perception. Now, I could say that I am more free because I let myself become a freer

Bryan.
 I must admit that seminary life is not an easy path to take. I experienced being spiritually

distressed, having silent battles over whether I would like to continue the formation or not. There

are moments where I keep questioning my vocation because of the heavy demands of the

formation. I remember the time when I was ready to admit my mistake when I was still the

finance coordinator. I am aware that honesty in the seminary is being upheld. It is one of the

most treasured values of a seminarian that needs to be protected. But in my case, I made a

mistake and became dishonest at some point. Pride rules instead of honesty. Admitting a mistake

is very difficult for me because I was protecting the image that I was an achiever outside of the

seminary walls. It was pride that made me stop growing and becoming formable. I became

inefficient.

I was ready to leave if the formators would ask me to do so because of what happened. I

would understand their decision. I know that it is hard, but it is the right thing to do. Solitude

made me wiser as I progressed in the formation. I was in awe, knowing that there is maturity in

me.

During those moments that I had not yet told the priests, I was alone. I was crying so

hard. I was in distress because I knew the consequences of my decision. It was God to whom I

told my feelings, my pains, my struggles, and even my decisions. I chose to be alone with God

and commune with Him in order to see the lesson that my present battle was trying to teach me.

In solitude, I have found peace amidst the turmoil of my puzzled mind. If I did not turn to God

during those moments, I could see myself not writing this reflection paper because I left the

seminary. I would say that it is God’s grace that sustains me in this vocation.

In a situation where there is no hope or even a friend who seems ready to help me with

my problems, it is best to practice solitude. I gave myself the opportunity to stay composed, to be

courageous enough to face my shortcomings, and to become humble before God. Solitude means
that I am letting God do the rest, admitting that there is nothing I can do about the situation.

There is peace in solitude. It does not invalidate or discount the value of friendship, community,

or companionship. It just helps me realize that, at the end of the day, it is between me and God.

One of my realizations that would lead me to tears is that even though I had moments of

forgetting God, He still awaits me in the moments I turn to Him.