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How Not to Be a Pushover…Even If You’re a Mediator (INFP)
LAURA
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INFPs – a.k.a. Mediators – have a reputation for being pushovers. Need six dozen
cookies for a bake sale – tomorrow? Of course, we’d love to! Want help cleaning
your house? Give us fifteen minutes, and we’ll be there – even if our own place is
in shambles.

Are you a Mediator (INFP)? Take our free personality test and find out.

Here’s the thing: Mediator personalities care deeply about other people, and we
want everyone around us to be happy. The result is that, in our daily lives, we may
find ourselves putting other people’s needs before our own. In the short term, this
can work out well. We’re naturally empathetic, so making other people feel good
makes us feel good.

84% of Mediators – and 82% of Diplomats as a whole – say they usually give in to
other people’s needs and desires at the cost of their own.

But this approach to life doesn’t come without consequences. When we feel as if
we’re meeting everyone else’s needs and nobody is meeting ours, it’s all too easy
to become resentful and isolated. And that’s not good for Mediators or their
relationships.

Fortunately, even Mediators can learn to speak their needs in a way that doesn’t
feel selfish or unnatural. This article will give you concrete tips on how to get
what you want – without being untrue to yourself.

“Assertiveness”: A Fancy Word for Being Selfish?

If you’re a Mediator, chances are the following conversation sounds at least a
little familiar:

You: I have so much stuff to do, but it has to wait. I need to go help Rosie’s
cousin with his college essay.

Well-Meaning Friend (WMF): Are you getting paid for that?

You: Uh, no.

WMF: So, why did you agree to it? You’re super busy and burned out right now.

You: Because Rosie asked, I guess?

WMF: Do you like helping with college essays?

You: Not really.

WMF: So why didn’t you just say no?

You: I couldn’t.

WMF: Of course you could’ve. You need to be more assertive.

Be more assertive. If I had a dollar for every time someone told me that, I’d be
writing this article from the deck of my superyacht. But is “be more assertive”
good advice? And what does it even mean?

First of all, let’s talk about what being assertive doesn’t mean. It doesn’t mean:

being rude,
acting selfishly,
manipulating people to get what you want, or
assuming that you’re always right.
In this case, we’re also not talking about the personality trait of capital
A Assertiveness, which has to do with how you react to adversity.

For the purposes of this article, “assertiveness” refers to a communication style

in which you say what you mean clearly and unapologetically but not rudely. If you
imagine a continuum with “aggressive” on one end and “passive” on the other, then
assertiveness would be a happy medium. When you speak assertively, you don’t
threaten, belittle, or intimidate (which would be hallmarks of aggressive
communication), and you also don’t say something just because you think it’s what
another person wants to hear (which would be passive communication).

Instead, communicating assertively means that you speak your truth without trying
to bring anyone else down. And deep down, that’s what we Mediators really want. We
don’t want someone to like us just because we agree with them – we want them to
like us for who we really are, and that means we need to speak openly and honestly,
even when it isn’t easy.

How Not to Communicate

Let’s go back to the example above – the one about the college essay. Here’s what
an aggressive communication style would sound like during the call with Rosie.

Aggressive Communication
Rosie: My cousin needs to have his college essay done by next week, and he hasn’t
even started it yet. I know you’re a really good writer – can you help him out?

You: What, you think I have time to help some stupid kid with his essay? If he
waited ’til the last minute, that’s his fault, not mine. Do you have any idea how
much I have on my plate right now?

If you’re a Mediator personality type, chances are just reading that last line of
dialogue – which is heavy on the belittling – made you cringe. But the following
example of passive communication might sound a little more familiar.

Passive Communication
Rosie: My cousin needs to have his college essay done by next week, and he hasn’t
even started it yet. I know you’re a really good writer – can you help him out?

You: Oh wow, I mean…of course I can. No problem.

A hallmark of passive communication is voicing agreement with someone even if you

don’t actually agree with them. In this case, the “you” character agreed to Rosie’s
request even though they clearly had some misgivings.

There’s another style of communication that’s worth mentioning: passive-aggressive

communication. As a communication style, passive-aggressiveness involves saying
something indirectly (or not saying it at all) and hoping the other person figures
it out. Here’s how that might look.
Passive-Aggressive Communication
Rosie: My cousin needs to have his college essay done by next week, and he hasn’t
even started it yet. I know you’re a really good writer – can you help him out?

You: Oh wow, I mean…I have so much on my plate right now. I’m super behind at work,
and my apartment’s a mess, and I really need to go to the dermatologist. But if you
really, really need me to help him out, then I will. I’ll have to put off getting
this mole checked, but I’ll just have to hope that it isn’t cancer.

How to Be Assertive (a.k.a. How Not to Be a Pushover)

So, I’m not an assertive communicator, you might be thinking. Am I doomed?

Good news, fellow Mediators: assertive communication is a skill. And like any
skill, it can be practiced and improved. At times, we might think that our
personality types set restrictions on what we’re capable of. For example, I’m a
Mediator, so I never stand up for myself. I just can’t help it.

According to our research, Mediators are the personality type most likely to tell
people what they want to hear instead of what we really think. But that doesn’t
mean that we’re doomed. Mediators might not find it easy to speak assertively –
especially when that entails disagreeing with someone or letting them down – but
that doesn’t mean that we’re not capable of it. In fact, our values of honesty and
empathy can actually become superpowers when it comes to speaking assertively.

With that in mind, here are three key tips for Mediators who want to brush up their
assertiveness skills.

1. Say What You Mean

As a Mediator personality, you know how painful it feels when you’re not true to
yourself. And when you verbally agree with someone even though you don’t agree on
an intuitive level, you’re compromising one of your most valuable traits: your
authenticity.

If you find yourself communicating passively, pause and ask yourself: “How do I
really feel?” – and speak from that place. In the short run, it won’t be easy, but
in the long run, you’ll be glad to have founded your relationships on what you
really think, need, and feel.