The Friday Aggravate 9th February 2007

Something we have all been waiting for. The 2007 Darwin Awards.

You gotta love these Guys!!!

THE DARWIN AWARDS:

It's that time again... The Darwin Awards are finally out, the annual honour given
to the persons who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in
the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was
killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting
to tip a free soda out. This year's winner was a real rocket scientist... HONEST!
Read on...And remember that each and every one of these is a TRUE STORY.

Some of the nominees were:

No. 1 A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply,
because he had no money to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not
surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his
house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him
and his sister.

No. 2 Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when
another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of
the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all
found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

No. 3 A 22-year-old Reston, Virginia, man was found dead after he tried to use
octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot rail road trestle. Fairfax County
Police said Eric Barcia, a fast food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together,
wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake
Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police
spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found
nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the
distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the
apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."

No. 4 A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a
friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend -
no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was admitted to hospital.

Now ladies and gentlemen, the winner of this year's Darwin Award. (Awarded, as
always, posthumously):

The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smouldering metal embedded in
the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage
resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was
unidentifiable at the scene. Police investigators finally pieced together the

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mystery. An amateur rocket scientist... had somehow got hold of a JATO unit (Jet
Assisted Take Off, actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military
transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields. He had driven
his Chevy Impala into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He
attached the JATO to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the
JATO!
The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967
Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the
crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that
location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust
within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph
and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, and soon
to be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-
14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the
remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained on the straight
highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and
completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks
on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and
impacting on the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3
feet deep in the rock.
Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable. However, small fragments of
bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone
shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the
steering wheel.
Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed of
approximately 420-mph,
though much of his voyage was
not actually on the ground.
You couldn't make this stuff up,
could you?
AND PEOPLE JUST LIKE THIS
ARE STILL AMONGST US AND
STILL BREEDING
(and VOTING) - SCARY, ISN'T
IT?

[Lost south of the Arthur

River last year at Thornton
river.]

A tired truck driver is driving into a country town late one night when he
comes over a crest and accidentally hits 2 aboriginals walking on the road. One of
them went through the windscreen and the other bounced off the bull bar into the
scrub. The shocked truck driver hurried to the nearest police station to report the
accident and the officer on duty told the driver not to worry. He said " We'll
charge one with Break & Enter and the other with Leaving The Scene Of An
Accident."

Here's a warning I want to pass on about Bunning’s: I'm not usually one for
posting warnings about potential scams but I had a close miss yesterday on the

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way home from work. I walked into Bunning’s and some old guy dressed in a red
polo shirt and an apron asked me if I wanted decking. Fortunately, I got the first
punch in and that was the end of that. Those less suspecting might not be so
lucky. Take care and keep your wits about you, especially at Bunning’s.

21 THINGS THAT MAKE AUSTRALIA GREAT

1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.

2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.
3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery,
there is no Australian event that can't be improved by a sausage sizzle.
4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie, he's probably a media
billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.
5. There is no food that can't be improved by the application of tomato sauce.
6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside
their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.
7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate.
8. All our best heroes are losers.
9. The alpha male in any group is the one who takes the barbecue tongs from the
hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.
10. Its not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.
11. Its proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your
worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".
12. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing.
13. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has
the swimming pool.
14. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks
too much.
15. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night
drinking the host's beer.
16. The phrase "a simple picnic" has no meaning. You should take everything you
own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're not trying.
17. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle
that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.
18. Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard,
or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening, or leaning on the fence is
acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.
19. There comes a time in every Australian's life when they realise that the
Aerogard is worse than the mozzies.
20. Old Goat Cruises, you know how to get there.
21. And, finally, the true test for immigration to Australia. Potential new Aussies
must pass the following test - mow a sloping lawn in a pair of thongs while
holding a VB or Boags and watching the cricket. Easy!

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome
with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded,
"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy
to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Continental?"
exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their
flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in
Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be

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something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the
city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So,
whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich,"
laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll
look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to
need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her
about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were
we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and
they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a
handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel
was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodelling job and now it's a jewel,
the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologised and
gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't
get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the
Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope
likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private
room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes
later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he
spoke a few words to me." "Oh, really! What'd he say?" He said, "Where'd you
get the shitty hairdo?"

NEW RULES FOR 2007

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.Com! There's a reason
you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!
Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days
- mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a
seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of
Wendy's chilli. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?
Rock Lobster?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde
teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids:
"Lucky bastards."

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a
dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown
man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about
your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavoured water. There's a whole aisle of this
crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but
flavoured water is called a soft drink. You want flavoured water? Pour some
scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavoured water.

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New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill
bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by
the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue.
Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If
you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf Grande, half-soy, Half-low fat, iced
vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-
n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," oh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,
entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I
don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" Again, the kid who is supposed to be
ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make
you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with
broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you
weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins.
ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching
those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next,
competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard
Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll
go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old
television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we
can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason
something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good
enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings.
Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the
stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the
white people version of looting.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear "27 months."
"He's two" will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first
place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays
better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every
available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want
fries with that?"

Author unknown. [I didn’t want to advertise it.]

These are absolutely priceless! HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

(written by kids)

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You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she
should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the crisps and dips
coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who They're going to marry. God
decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same
kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.

-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other.
Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them
interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and
make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich.

-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and
have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up
after them.

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-- Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?

-- Kelvin, age 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool, he

noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked,
"Sir, what will you have?" The man thought a moment, then replied, "A martini,
please". The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man
had ever had.

The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?" The man answered, "Oh, about
164." The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, inter-stellar
space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc. The man was most
impressed. He left the bar, but thought he would try different tactic.

A while later he returned and took a seat. Again, the robot clicked and asked
what he would have. "A martini, please." Again it was superb.

The robot again asked, "What is your IQ, sir?" This time the man answered, "Oh,
about 100". So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, bass fishing and
what to expect the Steelers to do this weekend. The guy had to try it one more
time. So he left, returned and took a stool...

Again a martini, and the question "What is your IQ?" This time the man drawled
out "Uh... 'bout 50." The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked,
"A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e r-e-a-l-l-y g-o-i-n-g t-o n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e H-i-l-l-a-r-y?"

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each
day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when
the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or
came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent
playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before
meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she
got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.

Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her
husband in bed with her boss! Gently she closed the door and crept out of her
house.

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The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave
early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No
way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday..."

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in

Midland, Texas awaiting their flights. One is an American Indian passing through
from Lame Deer. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Houston for a livestock show
and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Texas
State University from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn
that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy
lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table
and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is
blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane
comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one time
here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few." The Muslim student
raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers,
"and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The West Texas cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the
darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played
Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'."

A drunk is stumbling through the woods when he happens upon a preacher

baptising folk in the river. He ambles down to the water's edge then trips and falls
down before the holy man.

Almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, the preacher pipes up: "Lord have
mercy on your drunken soul, brother - are you ready to find Jesus?" Out of his
skull, the drunk agrees: "Yes, I am!" he replies. And with that, the preacher grabs
him and dunks him under the water.

Moments later, he drags the boozer back up: "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, preacher," stammers the drunk, "I have not!". Stunned by this, the preacher
sends the drunk down again... this time leaving him there a little longer.

Shortly he drags him back up again: "Rid your soul of the poison, brother - have
you found Jesus?" Gasping for air, the drunk splutters a reply: "No, preacher - I
have not!" At his wit's end, the preacher sends the drunk down one last time.

A full minute later, he pulls him out: "For the love of God," shouts the preacher,
"tell me you've found Jesus!" Coughing his lungs up, the drunk wipes his eyes
and turns to the preacher: "You sure this is where he fell in?"

Tony Blair called John Prescott into his office one day and said, "John I have a
great idea! We are going to go all out to win back Middle England".

"Great idea Tony how will we go about it?" said Prescott

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"Well" said Blair, "we'll get ourselves one of those long Barbour coats, some
proper wellies, a stick and a flat cap, oh and a Labrador. Then we'll really look the
part. We'll go to a nice old country pub, in Much Something or other or one of
those villages and we'll show we really enjoy the Countryside." "Right Oh" said
Prescott.

So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set
off from London in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place
they were looking for (Much Piddling-in-the-Brook) and found a lovely country
pub (The Surly Yokel) and with the dog, went in and up to the bar.

"Good evening Landlord may we have two pints of your best ale, from the Wood?"
said Blair. "Good evening Prime Minister" said the landlord,' two pints of best it is,
coming up'.

Blair and Prescott stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting,
nodding now and again to those who came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay
quietly at their feet. All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and
in came a grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to the
Labrador, lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked
back to the other bar.

A few moments later, in came another old shepherd with his crook. He walked up
to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to
the other bar.

Over the course of the next half hour or so several other locals came in, lifted the
dog's tail and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually Blair and Prescott could stand it no longer and called the Barman over.
"Tell me," said Blair, "why did all those old shepherds and locals come in and look
under the dog's tail like that? Is it a local custom?'

"Good Lord no," said the barman. "It's just that someone went and told them that
there was a Labrador in this bar with two arseholes".

Okay time to wrap this edition up. It may be smaller than my usual attempts but
Jesus Christ it took some work making it all happen so HOPEFULLY it didn't suck...