And you thought your first date was embarrassing...

This was on the “Tonight Show” with Jay Leno

Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever
had.

The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question
as to why her tale took the prize!

Marilyn said it was midwinter...snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing
to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight).

No, not Marilyn. They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The
outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that
afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain when she gradually began to realize that she
should not have had that extra latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of
nowhere.

Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she
told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the
front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and
started.

Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest
against the rear fender to steady herself.

Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real
gentleman and refrained from peeking.

All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature
of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull
up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's
fender.

Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted
to disengage her flesh from the icy metal.

It was quickly apparent she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

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Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humour she answered her date's concerns
about "what was taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off
and needed some assistance"!

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she
looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.

She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they
assessed her dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.

Both agreed it would take something hot to free

her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal.

Thinking about what had gotten her into the

predicament in the first place, both quickly
realized that there was only one way to get her
free so, as she looked the other way, her first
time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee
her butt off the fender.

As for the Tonight Show...she took the prize

hands down...or perhaps that should be "pants
down."

And you thought your first date was

embarrassing.

Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own
business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it on to the ground, took
off all her clothes and said, "Take anything you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably
wouldn't have fitted you anyway."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow

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group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for
fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather
slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost
their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for
free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see
if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons and Civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers
of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many
thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a
toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area ?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features built in.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I actually can not answer several of these: must be the Pom in me!

Subject: New anti-terrorism laws: Aussie Citizenship Test

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The following test will be administered to all individuals who are held in custody
under the new laws.
Less than 80% correct will result in immediate internment without trial for a period
of no less than 20 years.
New anti-terrorism laws: Aussie Citizenship Test

1. How many slabs can

you fit in the back
of a Falcon Ute
while also allowing
room for your
cattle dog?

2. When packing an
Esky do you put
the ice, or the
beer, in first?

3. Is the traditional
Aussie Christmas
dinner:
a) At least two roasted meats with roast vegetables, followed by a pudding you
could use as a cannonball. Also ham. In 40C heat.
b) A seafood buffet followed by a barbie, with rather a lot of booze. And ham.
In 40C heat.
c) Both of the above, one at lunchtime and one at dinnertime. Weather continues
fine.

4. How many beers in a slab?

5. Does "yeah-nah" mean "Yes and no" or "Maybe" or "Yes I understand but No I
don't agree"?

6. The phrases "strewth" and "flamin' dingo" can be attributed to which TV

character?
a) Toadie from Neighbours
b) Alf from Home & Away
c) Agro from Agro's Cartoon Connection
d) Sgt. Tom Croydon from Blue Heelers?

7. When cooking a barbecue do you turn the sausages

a) Once or twice
b) As often as necessary to cook
c) After each stubby
d) Until charcoal?

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8. Name three of the Daddo brothers.

9. Who was the original lead singer of AC/DC?

10. Which option describes your ideal summer afternoon:

a) Drinking beer a mate's place
b) Drinking beer at the beach
c) Drinking beer watching the cricket/footy
d) Drinking beer at a mate's place while watching the cricket before going to the
beach?

11. Would you eat pineapple on pizza?

12. Would you eat egg on a pizza?

13. How many cans of beer did David Boon consume on a plane trip from Australia to
England?

14. How many stubbies is it from Brissy to the Gold Coast in a Torana travelling at
120km/h?

15. Who are Scott and Charlene?

16. How do you apply your tomato sauce to a pie?

a) Squirt and spread with finger
b) Sauce injection straight into the middle?

17. If the police raided your home would you:

a) Allow them to rummage through your personal items
b) Phone up the nearest talkback radio shock jock and complain
c) Put a written complaint in to John Howard and hope that he answers it
personally?

18. Which Australian Prime Minister held the world record for drinking a yardie full
of beer the fastest?

19. Have you ever had/do you have a mullet?

20. Thongs are:

a) Skimpy underwear
b) Casual footwear
c) They're called jandals, bro?

21. On which Ashes tour did Warney's hair look the best? 1993, 1997, 2001 or
2005?

22. What someone is more likely to die of.

1) Red Back Spider

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 2) Great White Shark
3) Victorian Police Officer
4) King Brown Snake
5) Your missus after a big night
6) Dropbear?

23. How many times must a steak be turned on a conventional four-burner barbie?

24. Can you sing along to Cold Chisel's Khe Sahn?

25. Explain both the "follow-on" and "LBW" rules in cricket and discuss the pros and
cons for the third umpire decisions in the latter....

26. Name at least 5 items that must be taken to a BBQ.

27. Who is current Australian test cricket captain:

a) Ricky Ponting
b) Don Bradman
c) John Howard
d) Makybe Diva?

28. Is it best to take a sick day on:

a) When the cricket's on
b) When the cricket's on
c) When the crickets on?

29. What animal is on the Bundaberg Rum bottle?

30. What is the difference between a pot and a middy of beer?

31. What are Budgie smugglers?

32. Did you cry when Molly died on a Country Practice?

33. A "Hoppoate" is:

a) A breed of kangaroo
b) A kind of Australian "wedgie"
c) A disgraced Rugby League player?

34. What does having a 'chunder' mean?

35. When you were young did you prefer the Hills Hoist over any swing set?

36. What do the following terms mean:

a) Mate?
b) Maate

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 c) Maaaaaaate?

37. Best Aussie name is what?

a) Cheryl
b) Charlene
c) Bazza
d) Thommo
e) Shazza

38. What does the terminology 'True Blue'

mean?

Answer that lot correctly and send to Amanda

Vanstone c/-, Parliament House, Canberra, ACT.
You just may be granted a visitor’s visa to stay
in Australia.

I guess I would be remiss not to mention the face that the lead item was supplied by
one of my email colleagues, there will be no mention of her name, just an image.

Thank you Ms. J Wren from the Old Goat.