Comedy

Purple
By: Madison Frank
2014-2015
School year

Its hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because

they always take things literally
What do you get when you cross a joke with a
rhetorical question?

Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks

Do all of you want a drink? The first logician says I
dont know. The second logician says I dont know.
The third logician says Yes!
Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and go
seek. Its Einsteins turn to count so he covers his
eyes and starts counting to ten. Pascal runs off and
hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter
square on the ground in front of Einstein then stands
in the middle of it.
Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees
Newton immediately and exclaims Newton! I found
you! Youre it!
How can you tell the difference between a chemist
and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce unionized.
Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas?
Because Oct 31 = Dec 25
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The bar tender: Whatll it be, boys? The first
mathematician: Ill have one half of a beer. The
second mathematician: Ill have one quarter of a
beer. The third mathematician: Ill have one eight
of a beer. The forth mathematician: Ill have one
sixteenth of a The bar tender interrupts: here ya
go! and he pours a single full beer.
There are two kittens on a sloped roof. Which one
slides off first?

The one with the lowest mew.

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and
says, Five beers, please.
The programmers wife tells him: Run to the store
and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a
dozen.
The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of
bread.
Why did you buy 12 loaves of bread!?, his wife
screamed. Because they had eggs!
A programmers wife sends him to the store and says
get some bread, and while youre there pick up
some eggs The programmer never returns.
A logicians wife is having a baby. The doctor
immediately hands the newborn to the dad.
His wife asks impatiently: So, is it a boy or a girl ?
The logician replies: yes.
Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer, the
bartender says, Sorry, we dont serve noble gases
here. He doesnt react.
Schrdingers cat walks into a bar. And doesnt.
Two men walk into a bar, the first orders H2O, the
second says Ill have H2O too! The second man
dies.
A neutron walks into a bar. He orders a beer and asks

the bartender how much he owes. The bartender

replies, For you? No charge.
There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who
know binary and those who dont.
A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are
sitting outside of a bar when two men walk into the
house across the road Ten minutes later, three men
walk out.
The physicist looks confused and says There must
an error in the measurements.
The biologist retorts No, they must have
reproduced!
To which the mathematician says If one person goes
inside, the house will be empty.
A Photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks
him if he has any luggage. The Photon replies No
Im traveling light
Two atoms are walking down the street. The first one
stops and says I think I just lost an electron! The
second one replies Are you sure?
Im positive!
A farmer has a problem with foxes eating his hens.
So he asks his physicist friend to help find a solution.
The physicist spends a day thinking, then replies
Well, Ive found a solution, but it will only work for
spherical chickens in a vacuum.
Q: What do you get when you put root beer in a
square glass? A: Beer.

Who does Polyphemus hate more than Odysseus?

Nobody!

A mathematician finishes a large meal and says: (1/64)

Explanation: (-1/64) = (-1)/(8) = i / 8 = (i over 8)
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to
absolute zero?
Hes 0K now.
Hes not OK, hes 0k
Theres a band called 1023MB. They havent had any
gigs yet.
A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and
says make me one with everything.
The vendor makes the hot dog and hands it to the
Buddhist monk, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor
puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. Excuse
me, but wheres my change? asks the Buddhist
monk. The vendor replied, Change must come from
within.
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What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk
Why dont Calculus majors throw house parties
Because you should never drink and derive.

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What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An Investigator
What did Al Gore play on his guitar?
An Algorithm
What do you call a computer floating in the ocean?
A Dell Rolling in the Deep
What do you call a number that cant keep still?
A roamin numeral.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh.
Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?
Its two gross.
How do you make a hot dog stand?
Steal its chair.

J Did you hear about the mathematician whos afraid

of negative numbers?
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He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
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J What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4leaf clover?
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A rash of good luck
Whats the best thing about Switzerland?
Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.

Escalators dont break down they just turn into

stairs
Im sorry and I apologize mean the same thing
except when youre at a funeral.
I intend to live forever or die trying.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad
memory.
A blind man walks into a bar.And a table, and a
chair.
Want to hear a pizza joke. nah, its too cheesy.
What about a construction joke? Oh never mind, Im
still working on that one.
Did you hear the joke about the rope? Skip it.
I used to be in a band, we were called lost dog. You
probably saw our posters.
I childproofed the house but they still get in!
Did you hear about the great new restaurant on the
moon?
The food is excellent, but there's no atmosphere.
Q: Why did the cow jump over the moon? A: Because
the farmer had cold hands!
Q(2): Did you hear about the bones they found on
the moon? A: It seems like the cow did not make it.

How do you know when the moon is going broke?

When it's down to its last quarter.
Why does the Moon orbit the Earth?
To get to the other side?"
How does a man on a moon get his haircut?
Eclipse it.
How does one astronaut on the moon tell another
astronaut that he is sorry?
He Apollo-gises.
I used to think the brain was the most important
organ. Then I thought, look whats telling me that.
What does a nosey pepper do? Get jalapeo
business.
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo drizzle.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows?
Theyre making headlines everywhere!
How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a
light bulb? Lets go play on our bikes.
What do we want
A cure for adhd
When do we wa hey look a squirrel
Time flies when you throw your obnoxious alarm
clock across the room.

The best way to a mans heart is between the 4th and

5th rib
How does an octopus go into battle?
Well armed
What did George Washington say to the French
general at Valley Forge?
Dont Lafayette you havent seen the soldiers

(Briana Fabian came up with this one)

A yoga instructor asks if one of his students is going
to leave. The student replies with Namaste