Using “I-statements”

The key to effective communication is to be able to express how you feel and why in a way
that allows the other person to hear you. Sometimes when we’re upset, the words don’t come
easily, and things are said and done that can be hurtful or accusatory. We often pass it off as
just being upset and saying things we don’t mean. The problem with that is, that kind of
communication doesn’t help to solve problems.

One of the ways that happens is using “You” instead of “I” statements.

“You” statements are remarks like:

“You made me so mad.”

“You always tease me.”

“You” statements such as these have an undertone of blaming and shaming the other
person. And, they don’t help share the way you feel about what’s happening. As soon
as that happens, no one is listening anymore.
A better strategy is one that allows you to express your feelings in a way that avoids
the negative blaming and shaming and paves the way for the other person to work
with you on a solution.

Using I-statements
I-statements are a way of focusing on you and expressing your feelings in a positive way
about how a situation affected you. I-statements clearly express what you want the other
person to know without accusing or blaming.

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 “I feel…”
“I need…”
“I struggle…”

When you begin with ‘I’, rather than ‘You’, you are giving the other person information to

understand your feelings and address your needs without feeling defensive or attacked.

Here's an example:

Your partner works a lot and likes to go to the gym a few nights a week. You’re feeling lonely.

A common complaint you might make is, “You are always gone somewhere and I’m here

alone. Your job and the gym are more important to you than I am.” What you really might

want is some time with your partner but what they probably hear is criticism or accusation.

Defenses go up. Communication shuts down. The problem remains.

Can you think of some instances of using “You” statements with

others? What “You” statements do you tend to use? Who are you
most likely to use them with?

1
You Statement: ...........................................................................................................................................................

Who I say this to: ........................................................................................................................................................

What was the result?................................................................................................................................................

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 2
You Statement: ...........................................................................................................................................................

Who I say this to: ........................................................................................................................................................

What was the result?................................................................................................................................................

3
You Statement: ...........................................................................................................................................................

Who I say this to: ........................................................................................................................................................

What was the result?................................................................................................................................................

Using the same example, what would happen if you instead said, “I feel so lonely when you’re

gone so much because I miss spending time with you. I would really like it if we could spend

Saturday afternoon together doing something fun.”

Do you hear the difference? Expressing your feelings from your experience and perspective

tells the other person what you want and need, in this case more time together, in a way that

is assertive and assures them you are not accusing them of doing something wrong or inten-

tionally hurting you.

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Practice Using I-statements
Learning a new way of expressing yourself takes practice.

A simple way to construct an I-statement is to use the following format as a guide.

“I feel ............................... when you ................ because....................... I would really like it if .......................................”

By structuring your ‘I’ statements in this way, you are owning and identifying your feelings,

expressing yourself clearly, and giving the other person an opportunity to engage with you to

find a solution.

Try this:
By structuring your ‘I’ statements in this way, you are owning and identifying your feelings,

expressing yourself clearly, and giving the other person an opportunity to engage with you to

find a solution.

Think about a conflict you’ve had recently with someone. Think about the words you used.

Listen for the “You-statements”. Describe that exchange here:

.......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

.......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

Using the I statement format above, create a different exchange this time using

“I statements”:

“I feel ......................................................................................................................................

when you ...........................................................................................................................

because ...............................................................................................................................

I would really like it if .................................................................................................”

How do you think this change of approach might have changed the outcome of the conflict?

.......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

.......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

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The nice thing about I-statements is you can use them with everyone:
partners, kids, parents, bosses, teachers, co-workers, friends…anyone
you’re finding it hard to communicate with.

Challenge yourself to use I-statements more often. As you become more

comfortable using them, the easier it will be to have conversations
that can lead to resolution instead of a stalemate.

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