The MACALESTER

HEGEMONOCLE
Probably Macalester’s First…. And now Last…. Humor Magazine
Volume 27, Issue 1
Fall 2023

EDITORS-IN-CHIEF Head Of Production

Dan Bially Levy ‘24 Rene’e Gonzales ‘24*
Daniela Martinez Partida ‘25

STAFF
Morgan Niven ‘24 Hans Haenicke ‘25 Talia Ostacher ‘25*

Paul McGinn ‘26 Audrey Lester ‘26 Georgia Richter ‘26

Anna Fratto ‘27 Merce Lutzker ‘27 Sarah Tachau ‘27

Sophia Woods ‘27 Reilly Wood ‘27 Clea Gaitass ‘27

Coat Rack ‘99

* Study abroad

SHOUT OUTS
The Quizbowl guys who let us use CC206

The WAC meekly for being the grassroots counterpart to our corporate
armchair humor

American psycho for inspiring one of our pieces and being the basis of boys’
personalities everywhere

Paul’s relatives for giving him unnerving knowledge about how to best kill

The Chicago bulls’ intro song for being excellent hype music whilst doing
planks

Lillie Grouws for the Graduating Seniors piece idea

Georgia for their 4 minute plank

Founders : Mikey Freedman ‘ 11 and Danny Rocklin ‘ 11

characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead,
is purely satirical.
Follow us on instagram and twitter: @hegemonocle
email: Hegemonocle@Macalester.edu
Hedge’s Morning Routine
I live on 1600 Grand in the big brick building on the 5th floor.
My name is Hegie Hedgehog.
I am 18 years old.
I believe in taking care of myself and eating a semi-edible diet
from Cafe Mac and a rigorous ping pong routine in the LC.
In the morning, if my face is a little puffy, I’ll put an ice
pack on, made from the tears of first-year chem students, while
doing stomach crunches.
I can do 1,069 now.
After I remove the ice pack, I use a deep pore cleanser lotion.
Deeper than anything you’ve been in.
Dodging the spirals of hair in the shower coffins, I use a
pumpkin water-activated gel cleanser, then a pumpkin honey
almond body scrub, and on the face, a pumpkin exfoliating gel
scrub to exfoliate the negative vibes from The Mac Weekly.
Then I apply a pumpkin herb-mint facial mask, complimentary of
the Hamre Center, which I leave on for 10 minutes while I
prepare the rest of my routine.
Self-care is vital to reducing the number of mental breakdowns.
I always use a quill sharpener paired with an after-quill
lotion, with lots of alcohol (as long as RA’s aren’t watching),
because alcohol dries out your quills and makes you look older.
I don’t want to look like the skeletons in Carnegie.
Then moisturizer, then an anti-aging eye balm, followed by a
final moisturizing protective lotion.
Always use protection.
 MACALESTER COLLEGE RENAMING

WE’RE MAKING SOME CHANGES

We’ve heard your voices, and we
want our campus to better cater to
our student body

Academic Buildings
Humanities Building
Soviet-Inspired Architecture

Janet-Wallace
Controversy Magnet

Olin-Rice
Graveyard of Pre-Med Souls

Campus Center
Bon Appetit Management
Company Center for Promotion
of Socialization and Student
Fun Times™ (BAMCCPSSFT)

Weyerhaeuser
Haeuserweyer

STUDENT DORMS

George Draper Dayton- Closet Frat House

Turck Hall- Showers With Stalls

Wallace Hall- Home of Accessibility

Dupre Hall- The Janky One

 MACALESTER COLLEGE RENAMING

Departments, Orgs, and Miscellaneous Locations

Doty/Turck Basement
The Morgue for Lost Socks
Men’s Locker Room
Gray Area Where Straight and
Gay Do Not Exist

Library 4th Floor

Nerd Hive
The Idea Lab
Kindergarten Simulator

Kagin Ballroom
The Forgotten Middle Child of
Macalester Buildings
Center for Religious and
Spiritual Life
The Hub for Superstition and
Anti-Masturbation

Bad Comedy
Aggressively Mediocre Comedy
Econ Department
Money Milkers

A concluding message to our student body,

We as an institution find your voices and input invaluable.
Additionally, we deeply value diversity, equity, and inclusion. If
anything on this campus should ever make you feel unwelcomed or
invisible, we want to be the first ones to know. So now we encourage
all of you: do your research, learn your history, and fight for a more
equitable world for all of us. **Also if any of you want to find dirt on
our donors please don’t :(
Macalester Reveals Dupre Renovation Plan to
Construct Spiral Tube Slide
Sarah Tachau, writer
In response to disgruntled Dupre residents, the
Macalester Board of Housing Directors
recently released a list of upcoming
renovations to take place in the college’s oldest
brick building. Included were the blueprints
for a four-story spiral plastic tube slide. The
slide, built for accessibility purposes, can be
entered via the fourth floor west side
bathroom, in the awkward space between the
door and the stalls where a urinal once was.
Construction is expected to be completed by
fall 2036.

The slide will wrap around the west side of the building, adding an attractive pop of color to the
faded concrete and slit windows. Unfortunately, the college will have to pay an annual fine,
deducted from tuition, as the state government does not permit tube slides smaller than 4 by 4
feet.

Project representatives claimed that the slide is “not to be confused with a laundry chute,
though students should feel free to chuck their peers’ wet clothes down there if no washing
machines are available.” In case of an emergency, local authorities boast that the slide is a safer
evacuation route than the stairs. Furthermore, climbing the slide is only permitted for the
swollest, most gollum-like Dupre residents.

Additional Dupre renovations to take place

in the 2024-25 school year include:

- Black mold terrarium in the floor 3

east side shower
- Installation of toilets in singles
- Replacement of front door with
revolving door
- Escalator
- Underground poker club two doors
down from basement kitchen
- Freeing those who reside in the sixth
floor
 We surveyed Macalester students on the
most Ethical ways they’ve been tortured.
Number 8 will shock you!
👤👤:“I was the guy who
couldn’t get ‘it’ in…”
👤👤:“Someone was brushing
their teeth while I took an
uncomfortably loud shit.”
👤👤:“I chose to be an RA.”
👤👤:“My girlfriends hands
always taste a little bit like
hand sanitizer”
👤👤:“For extra credit, my
professor made me explain and
assign ABO placements to him”
👤👤:“I took COMP240 for
fun!”
👤👤:“I have sex with people
who say ‘so warm’ when they go
in!”
👤👤:“Everytime I point out *
cute squirrels to my friends,
they end up having sex :(”
* We don’t know if interviewee was talking about the squirrels or their friends.
🐻🐻
🐻🐻
👤👤:“Everytime I leave the
Dupre Showers I come out with
more hair…”
👤👤:“This one guy would
always stand and hum next to
me when I would use the
urinal…”
👤👤:“My mom bought me Gas
Leak Scented Candles for my
birthday when I was seven”
👤👤:“I had sex.” 😱😱
👤👤:“For the 12th day of
Christmas, I got an inverse
circumcision 🤘🤘🤘🤘”
👤👤:“I was eaten by a bear
during Outing Club!”
👤👤:“Have you heard of the
Fundamentalist Christian Youth
mission trip I went to? Well…”
👤👤:“She won’t let me play
‘This Little Piggy’ during sex.”
 STRESS?: KNOCK IT OFF

Hey folx, we heard many of y’allx are

feeling #STRESSEDAF, and as a mental-
health conscious institution, we would like
to offer some quick and easy tips to
eliminate those bad feelings!

Fix that circadian rhythm! Stay hydrated!

Studies show that up to 99% of Do you know how many problems

young people of severely sleep
deprived. But you shouldn’t be!
Simply set aside your work and
social obligations and sleep for 8
consecutive hours.
proper hydration can solve? We
think probably all of them! Meet
your daily water needs and watch
life hardships wash over you!

Shake of those bad vibes!

Feeling a little bit mentally ill these days?

That’s totally okay! We get that everybody
has their down days. Just remember your
self-determination and shake off that major
depressive disorder!

Say no to procrastination!

If you think about it, if your main source

of stress is work and assignments, simply
getting them done should fix that
problem. No trouble at all!

Helpful Affirmations!

I regularly experience joy

My self-worth is not based on external
validation
Stress does not reduce my quality of life
I wake up everyday with a zest for life

https://genius.com/Twenty-one-pilots-stressed-out-lyrics
Trending FY
Dorms at
Macalester
College

DUPRE - $6,988
Built in God knows when and renovated in the summer of no one asked, Dupre is Macalester’s
largest residence hall and abandoned office building. Floors 1-4 are FY and 5th houses returning
students. The building is aiming for prison core and designed as a giant rectangle way longer than
your dick. There are enough bathrooms to play musical chairs toilet edition each day. They have
the best condoms on each floor. Look for the “SAFE SEX SUPPLIES” bag. 60% of rooms are
doubles and 40% are leftover utility closets singles. If you’re looking for some much needed
privacy, sign up for a dupringle. Don’t worry the shoebox size is just barely up to code! It’s not like
Mac pays an annual fee because they’re legally not livable… We don’t have sinks but maybe you
can bump into your hallway crush and brush each other's teeth <3. Even though there are
washing machines, not in chronological order, on each floor you probably will have to visit
another one for your clothes to actually be clean.

DOTY - $4,280
Built in 1964, this single-gender housing option includes one all-
gender space. Floor 1 is open to one and all: guys, gals, nonbinary
pals, girls, gays, theys, terrestrial life, and straight men I guess.
Floors 2 and 3 are reserved for male genitalia only. Not at full
capacity but be sure to bring a hazmat suit to survive the “Broty”
special BO air freshener. On Floor 4 beware the Hello Kitty uwu
girlies. They may look cute and innocent but behind their smiles,
they’re irrational and annoying asf. On Floor 5 is the nunnery or
penthouse, whatever floats your boat. The girls on this floor keep
their legs closed but look out at night. You don’t want to be caught
in the next Nun movie. Bonus there are sinks in each room for the
convenience of washing off your sins.

TURCK - $3,435
Built before time began, Turck Hall is another mixed-gender housing
option. Turck boasts a formal lounge that anyone can use for board
meetings, movie nights, or blood moon sacrifices. The mix of co-ed
housing allows for orgys galore. (Maybe knock first before entering
the bathroom showers.) Join the 3rd floor for weekly screens of
Pitch Perfect because you didn’t get a callback from the 3 acapella
groups. Or if you want an escape from the chem lab enter the zen
4th floor. (Except for the SAW movie nights maybe stay away if
you’re squeamish of the blood). Don’t forget to take a trip to the
connected and shared tunnels to the murder basement!
 CULTURE HOUSE - $4,321
If you’re looking for something homey, C-house is what you want.
(At least before it gets torn down next year.) A tight-knit living-
learning community for students interested in bettering the world
one movement at a time. With a history of over 50 years, only some
specially chosen few get to reside here. If you don’t take the
residential FYC, YOU CAN’T LIVE WITH US. Sorry not sorry! If you
can’t get in you’re more than welcome to come to the midnight only
speakeasy. Shhh don’t share the password.

OTHER DORMS DON’T MATTER

Recent reviews:
Soccer4life:★★★★ - 24/7 slumber party! I love it here!!!!
SneakyNinja420 : ★★★ - super lit. The RAs have the best bud.

PixelPirate97: ★ - roomie left a sock on my doorknob and locked me out.

mcDlover69: ★★★ - communal bathrooms are awk, like is nudity not the norm?

QuantumLightning23: ★★ - walls are thin; yes Jason I can hear when you jerk off

Response: CryptoKitten99: STFU TODD. If you’re such a fan, come watch ;)

StarWanderer88: ★★★★ - dupre more like duprision! the prison feeling is very
homey! what an upgrade from the basement!

TechTacoMaster: ★ - wifi is slower than the CS professors' lectures

HOUSEKEEPING ANNOUNCEMENTS:
Losing your key will result in a $30 fee replacement
Only half of the washing machines clean your clothes and will get rid of that sus stain on
your sock
People won’t take out their laundry so be prepared to touch a week’s worth of thongs
while emptying the washing machine
Advice from Graduating Seniors:
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