The MACALESTER

HEGEMONOCLE
Probably Macalester’s First…. And Last…. Humor Magazine
Volume 25, Issue 1
Spring 2022

EDITORS-IN-CHIEF Managing Editors

Jared Jageler ‘22 Niko Bjork ‘ 22
Sophia Vischer ‘ 22 Zoe Roos Scheuerman ‘24

Head Writer Head Of Production

Dan Bially Levy ‘24 Rene’e Gonzales ‘24

STAFF
Gustav Kuhnen ‘22 Jayden Sinclair ‘24 Corgan Archuleta ‘24

Lucas Martin ‘24 Taylor Sibthorp ‘24 Rory Donaghy ‘24

Emydius Montes ‘24 Morgan Niven ‘24 Talia Ostacher ‘25

Daniela Martinez ‘25 Hans Haenicke ‘25 Coat Rack ‘99

SHOUT OUTS
Sophia, for the great cover designs. You’ve been Promoted!
The Mock Weekly, for giving us “competition”
The class of 2023, for their valuable contributions to this magazine
Finn Odum ‘21, for continuing to mentor Hege-youth from the great beyond
President Rivera, for her “Go ScotS” License Plate
Dan, for being born (single and ready to mingle!)
Kim ‘24, for the art : )
Yigit Kahyaoglu, for stirring the pot
Founders : Mikey Freedman ‘ 11 and Danny Rocklin ‘ 11

characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead,
is purely satirical.
Follow us on instagram and twitter: @hegemonocle
email: Hegemonocle@Macalester.edu
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Call Mom Call Mom

LOL you chump Throw Laptop

 Macalester College

Gared Gageler (he/him) · 3rd+ My Dad's Law Firm

Senior at Macalester College, I need a fucking job.

Saint Paul, Minnesota · 17 Connections

Honors & Awards

Dean's List Chuck Green Fellowship
Macalester College Macalester College, PoliSci Department
May 2021 January 2019
I finally eeked out a decent enough GPA to crack the Idk who Chuck Green is but I bet he's related to this
Dean's List, but it was during the fucking module system Dean guy.
so it didn't count. I don't know who this Dean is but
there's a knuckle sandwich coming his way.

Experience
Intern
My Dad's Law Firm · Part-time
June 2013 - Present
- *Checks notes on STAR method*
- Sorted 100+ pieces of incoming paper correspondence, resulting in improved company synergies
- Dissapointed father on 450+ occassions

Skills
Occupying Space Conversational Shotgunning Google Docs
English
Endorsed by Gared's Dad Endorsed by Geoffrey

Interests
Monsanto Reddit Gared's Dad's Friend's Law firm
+ Follow + Follow - Unfollow
 New Identity
Collectives at Mac
Join the O-Chem Roommate
Identity Collective
Macalester College acknowledges the unique and traumatic experiences of
students with roommates in Organic Chemistry. We at the O-Chem Roommate
Identity Collective are here for YOU.
Join fellow humanities/social science majors as we face our O-Chem
Roommates and an unstable post collegiate job market!

We plan to discuss:
g while trying to sleep
1. Discomfort of hearing quiet sobbin
ut… dioxin or some structure thingies
2. How to deal with word vomits abo p
ate, while being utterly unable to hel
3. Feeling responsible for your roomm
bricks
4. Stepping on weird molecule Lego
to as "et. al."
5. Feeling inadequate when referred
6. Job Security

JOIN THE
MIDWEST IDENTITY COLLECTIVE !
For far too long, coastal elites have marginalized Midwesterners at
Macalester. We desire a campus where our suburban heritage and
exceptional averageness is celebrated!
Together we will work to...
- Convert Plant Forward into a cheese curd bar
- Increase auto dependency between campus buildings
- Invest endowment in soybean & corn agriculture
- Maybe like normalize passive aggressive behavior. Please.
Currently seeking membe
rs outside
of the Chicagoland Area
 The wind was harsh and cold. I tightened my jacket around me
as I stood outside of Spyhouse coffee, a place I would have
never gone to. It was too expensive, but my bagpipe partner
insisted we do our bagpipe study here. Just as I was about
to leave, tired of waiting for him, I saw a tall figure
approaching.

He was dressed as if it wasn’t winter with a thin, mustard

yellow cardigan and a pair of gray sweatpants that hung
tightly around his waist. A grin spread across his snout
upon the sight of me, showing his small, white fangs within
those bubblegum pink gums. His snout crinkled and he
pushed his round wire glasses past his warm brown eyes.

“I’m sorry that I'm late, Y/N! I couldn’t find my hat in the mess of papers on my desk,” rumbled his deep,
melodious voice. With that line, he carefully tapped at the tall black top hat that sat upon his lion mane of
hedgehog quills. “Oh it’s no problem. It’s only 4:22, so not too bad of a wait,” I said with a little laugh.

“Well, are you ready? This sheet music ain’t going to read itself,” he said while walking up to the door
that led into the overly expensive coffee shop. He made sure to hold the door open for me, like a true
gentleman, while I stepped into the warm smell of freshly ground coffee. The white and gray marble was
blinding with the ambient lighting that shone into every corner of this shop. While I stood, being
overwhelmed, Hege was already at the counter getting ready to order us both drinks.

“So, about our duet for the upcoming showcase?” I inquired, watching him dig through his bag..

“Yes! The showcase! I mean, we are just playing the bagpipes. Should be simple enough. We have our kilts
and just have to memorize the Macalester song, but I honestly think that’s the easiest thing we could do,”
he said with a laugh.

“Says the person who nearly forgot the most obvious hat in the world,” I countered, raising my eyebrow.

“Well-” he started before being interrupted.

“I have a Medium Roast coffee with Oat Milk and a small ‘Fuck, just give me something that has gold
flakes and the smallest amount of coffee, but the most caffeine’ for Hege?” said a worker placing two cups
of coffee on their counter. With that, stood up to grab our drinks. I looked at my mug and the pile of gold
flakes on top of some very pale coffee.

“Listen, Y/N. I know our bagpipe concert is tomorrow, but we will be fine. I am sure the people in
attendance have never heard a bagpipe before,” Hege stated before drinking his coffee.

“You say that as if you’re a professional,” I said with a huff of annoyance.

“I call that stupid confidence,” he countered before putting his now empty glass on the table, he chugged
that glass like a maniac. “We should just relax today.”

“You made me come to this expensive coffee shop to relax? For nothing other than shit coffee?”
 "I call it an impromptu coffee date. A way to get you to actually leave your room and go on a date with
me,” he said with a laugh before standing from the table as well. I wasn’t even able to defend myself or
process that this was a date before he was already making his way to the exit. I tried to hastily follow, but
with Hege being taller than me, he was able to take much larger steps than I ever could.

“Really? Couldn’t even be up front with me?” I said rolling my eyes when I could finally step in line with him.

“You’re the one that was unable to read any of the fantastic flirts I have been bestowing to you since I
met you last year.” Was his only defense.

“You’re just trying to distract me! I mean, where are we even going to go
now?” I asked as he was just walking forward as if he had a destination in mind.

“Well, since I was finally able to reveal to you that I was flirting for a long
time, I think we deserve to go watch a movie at my place.” That was his answer.
He just kept walking. I had every chance to say no or to decline his endeavors to
do this, but I kept following him. Following him to go watch whatever random
movie he wanted, which by the way was the live action Sonic the Hedgehog.

~ Time Skip ~
I was curled up in a blanket. I slowly blinked away the sleep from my eyes
as I carefully sat up. I looked around this room. This wasn’t my dorm, this
room was not from any dorm on campus for that matter. There were old
Hegemonocle issues plastered to the walls and multiple different styles of top
hats hanging from hooks. The desk, that was covered with random sheets of
paper, had one golden monocle laying in the direct sunlight.

Suddenly I heard the door open and there stood Hege. The night flooded back
into my mind, bringing a blush to my cheeks. My eyes weren’t drawn to his
warm brown eyes, but to his bare chest. A chest that had the softest looking
fur as water droplets dripped down. Lower and lower and lower. Leading to the
towel wrapped around his hips, but wrapped in such a way that it reveals a v-
line that could make anyone drool. A grin spread across his snout, showing
those pink little gums and bright white teeth. “You’re finally awake, dewdrop.”

Fin...
Written By: Rene'e Gonzales Illustrated By: Dan Bially Levy
 [DECLASSIFIED] THE BOGDORF FAMILY
ROAD TRIP
On December 30th, 2021, The Bogdorf family (Jacob, 19,
Susannah, 12, Rachel, 49, and Richard, 51) road-tripped from
Sacramento, CA, to NYC, to spend New Years with Rachel’s
sister, Andreyah, who owns a retreat for retired bomb-sniffing
rats. The Bogdorfs never discussed what happened during
those fateful seventeen hours. However, after months of
painstaking research, the Hege staff have developed a timeline
of the road trip’s events...

HOUR 9
HOUR 1 Richard refuses to stop for a
bathroom because the family
Spirits and phone
has to keep up the good time.
batteries are high. Snacks
Susannah threatens to shit in
are plentiful. the cupholders.

HOUR 3
Against their children’s
objections, Richard puts
HOUR 7
on a Bach CD. Susannah
The fart scent still has not
and Jacob put their
dispersed. Rachel tries to roll
headphones in. Little did
down the windows, but
they know that this was
Susannah throws a fit, claiming
their parents’ plan all
that she will be too cold. It is 95
along. Now, Rachel and
degrees outside.
Richard can discuss how
to tell their children and
devout, Catholic parents
about the divorce without
any risk of being
overheard.

HOUR 5
A thunderous bout of flatulence
rocks the car. Since everyone
smelt it at the same time, nobody
knows who dealt it. Richard
declares that it has to be Jacob,
since Jacob’s vegan diet gives his
farts a “distinct veggie aroma.”
Jacob denies all allegations, even
though he’s a guilty little shit.
 HOUR 10
Jacob, unable to hold
himself back any
longer, logs on to
PornHub. The only
snacks left are dry
carrot sticks. Phone
batteries fall below HOUR 17
forty percent.
The final hour passes in
silence. Richard can still
smell the fart. Rachel books
a flight to Spain. Susannah,
coming to terms with the
realization that nothing
really matters, enjoys the
sunset, contemplating how
the different shades of red
and purple blend so

HOUR 13 perfectly in the dusky sky.

Susannah sees an adorable

fawn on the side of the highway
and alerts the family. Everyone
looks just in time for the fawn
to step into the road and get
HOUR 16
pulverized by a Coca-Cola
branded semi truck. Habitat Susannah understands now - she
fragmentation is no joke, is the naive fawn trying to cross

people! the road, and life is the Coca-Cola

branded semi truck. She is
helpless against the
dehumanizing, relentless
capitalist society she will never
be able to escape, and her time
on Earth will be short and brutal.

HOUR 15
Rachel regrets her decision to
become a mother. She
daydreams about Ronaldo, the
dashing Spaniard she met on
HOUR 14 her study abroad program.
They should have run away to
Richard loses the map and asks
Valencia together when they
Jacob for his phone so he can
got the chance.
double-check the route. Jacob
refuses. He makes the classic
mistake of telling Richard that
the phone is his, to which
Richard replies that HE pays
for Jacob’s phone, so it’s
actually his.
 sr
nl ye
la
y
P
ew

O
N

DRAFT KINGS: OFFICIAL BETTING PARTNER OF MACALESTER COLLEGE

LIVE BETS ON "LEGALLY" BET ON

THE NEXT STAFF ALL THE BIGGEST
DEPARTURE MATCH-UPS

Predicted Opponent Confidence

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Mac Pep
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White Black
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Fishbowl Quizbowl

100s of
John
unemployed
Mountain
seniors

MCSG Mac
President President

Mac
Hege
Weekly
 Your own
hellness Flourescent Overhead Lighting

journey.
Warehouse-style, life-sapping light bulbs.

2
See p. 5.

We all know how cruel Minnesota winters can be, espe-

Window
Specifically designed to let in
the smallest amount of
natural light possible.
See p. 4.
cially for those with Seasonal Affective
Disorder. This mood disorder is characterized by feelings
of depression, melancholy, and general malaise, most
felt in the gloomy Minnesota
winters. That’s why we at the Hamre Wealth and Hell-
Wall
ness Center are offering an opportunity to State of the art walls thin enough
accustom get accustomed to the gloomy season. to let you hear every distinct moan

$
2,350
from your neighbor’s one-night
stand, but they won’t hear you beg-

3,000
ging them to shut up. See p. 5.
Welcome to your Dupringle! A dark and fundamentally
unwelcoming environment where your wintertime gloom $
can fester into total melancholic despair.
Roaches
As disgusting as your
roommate except they
don’t pay rent. See p. 1

$
0 You weak-willed vitamin D-deficient snowflakes need to grow some goddamn
backbones and learn that facts (and the Macalester administration) don’t care
about your feelings. We’ve teamed up with Residential Life to throw you into
the absolute worst conditions of your life, so that it can only go up from there.
The Dupringle has all the features needed to turn your seasonal depression
into seasonal agony:
• Living space no wider than the average bike lane. Square footage too low to be
legally considered a bedroom!
• Access to lounges offering less privacy than a panopticon (have fun hiding parties
from Public Safety!)
• A feeling of being watched. That your experiences are not your own. That you are
not a person but an object, a plaything for a force beyond your own control, a doll
shoved into a concrete box for the sick amusement of an omnipotent power. At
the mercy of the malevolent forces of Dupre Hall which seize your mind and rend
your flesh in a feast of purest torment, A NEVER ENDING CYCLE OF HATRED AND
SUFFERING
• Weed smell

Chair Bed
Your favorite part
of the room. It Seasoned with various fluids from generations of past
students. See p. 1.

200
rocks a bit. See p.1.

Interior Design
Straight out of that
$
30 $
MKUltra facility from

150
Stranger Things. See p.1

$
 Student's Weekly
Report: Nation Really Wasting its Twenties
with Whole “Collapsing Empire” Phase
WASHINGTON D.C.—Top pundits and political
scientists came to a consensus today that the United
States of America was really wasting “the best years
of it’s life” in a “frankly boring” utter deterioration of
its important institutions and national character.
“Get over it,” said Professor Andrew Latham, “I spent
a year watching Beavis and Butthead on my mom’s
couch too, but did I make it everyone else’s problem? Lame! Photo by Seymour Butz
No.” Events occurring within the nation like a
declining economy, stagnation in the military-
industrial complex, and internal strife were noted as In the Next Issue...
“stale”, “been done before” and “a waste of a Skittish Rivera Has to Be Coaxed Out of
perfectly good future” by top voices within the Tree with Donor Support, Soothing Words
nation. "I get it,” said Professor Bora Jeong, “Life right
Trauma Doesn’t Make Me Funny; That’s
out of your teens is hard. But utter societal collapse the Coke Addiction
is not the answer. America needs to get its ass in
gear and stop moping around.” Experts were Annual Gaslighting Contest Didn’t
Happen, You Just Made It Up
pleased that America had decided not to go down
the whole “nose piercing in place of a personality” Opinion: You “Sheeple” Are Just Falling
thing that was currently bedeviling the United Over Yourselves to Evacuate the Burning
Building
Kingdom.
Turns Out the DEA Are Just a Bunch of
That Kid In Your Psych Class Getting Lame Squares

a Lot of Mileage Out of Family Tragedy

by Morgan Niven Guy Who Hated Improv Show
Actually Just Went to Dune
MACALESTER COLLEGE- Yet again, that one kid in
continued on page 80c
your psych class has brought up his
unmentionable family tragedy, as if it has some
bearing on the psychological terminology you’re
learning. It wouldn’t be so bad if if it only came up
once or twice, but at this point at least half the
curriculum is centered around this weepy
bastard’s dumbass family. And really, who plans a
family sky diving trip? No wonder they’re dead. Oh
shit, you said all this out loud. Dammit. God, this improv sucks. Photo by Lee Keybum
 Student's Weekly
Telling People His SAT Score New Flirting Technique of Worst
Guy You’ve Ever Met
MACALESTER COLLEGE—In a turn of events described as “deeply disappointing” by industry
experts, the Worst Guy you’ve ever met has begun telling his SAT scores to people he just met in
yet another attempt to pick up “baddies.” John Warner, the well-known area jackass was quoted as
saying, “Yeah, I got a 1320, which could have got me into, like, Harvard, if it weren’t for affirmative
action and shit." Loudly talking over the hubbub of a party he wasn’t invited to, Warner reflected on
his recent disappointing experiences in the dating pool, “I was dating this one girl, but she wouldn’t
start an open relationship with me. How else was I supposed to process the Bengals loss?” Warner,
a man whose take on cultural appropriation is offensive to virtually everyone, is reportedly moving
on from such techniques as sending unsolicited dick pics or mansplaining his favorite movie, Wolf of
Wall Street. “Women are just intimidated by my alpha lifestyle,” said Warner, who couldn’t do laundry
with a gun to his head. At this point in the interview, Warner loudly announced that the party
“sucked mad choad,” and requested that a “female” try to beat him at pong. No offers were
forthcoming. At press time, Warner, who has gone as one of the Peaky Blinders for Halloween for
the past four years, had decided to give Tinder another shot.

Toddler Listlessly Gazing At Girlfriend During Snack Time

Wondering Where Best Days Of Life Went
by Gus Kuhnen

HARTFORD, CT—Trying to remember where his happy-go-lucky outlook on life went, Robert “Bobby”
Martin found himself staring mournfully at his long time partner of 3 weeks, Kelly Hendrickson, as
she consumed a cup of applesauce during afternoon snack time. “We used to do everything
together, from riding tricycles side by side, to organizing the same area during the clean up song.
Now she barely acknowledges me at the storage cubbies when I hang my puffy coat up” remarked
Martin, who has recently caught himself fantasizing about playing house with Hana Chen, another
girl in his class. Martin wonders if the relationship will be
be sustainable into 1st grade: “I guess I was deluding
myself that we could spend the rest of our lives eating
candy and holding hands carefree, but the real world with
all of its responsibilities is out there.” Additionally
burdening the couple, Hendrickson is considering
transferring to a different reading period, meaning a
switch to long-distance, something that Martin believes will
make it even more difficult to sustain the relationship. "Every living this is born without reason ,
“Maybe love is about changing, but I can’t help feeling a prolongs itself out of weakness, and dies by chance."
Bobby considers Sartre's famous quote.
nostalgia for the person I was in preschool. Photo by Mike Crotch
 Student's Weekly
Student Found Unconscious in Dupringle After Failed Cafe Mac
Speedrun Attempt
by Rory Donaghy

CAFETERIA MACALESTER—A student was found unconscious in critical condition in his

dupringle on the morning of the 2nd. John Dick (whose identity we’re keeping confidential for
privacy reasons) had allegedly attempted a cafe mac speed run the night before. For those who
somehow don't know what a cafe mac speedrun is, it is an activity in which a student attempts
to get the full cafe mac experience in as little time as possible. According to student witnesses,
the run went so embarrassingly that it may have lead to the student losing the will to live.
However, according to Hegemonocle experts, it is more likely that the student suffered
extreme acid reflux after consuming an entire bottle of ghost pepper hot sauce as well as
choosing a particularly bubbly beverage. This may seem strange to the casual observer, but the
“hot sauce exploit” is a strategy typically used by students when the food being served is not
above average (bad). The Macalester Hegemonocle has put together (stolen) a timeline of the
incident for those who didn’t witness the run live, because that shit was hilarious.

Run begins at 5:32pm

00:01.00 - Rule 2.01a(i) almost violated, sighs of relief from official run-watcher Jayden Sinclair.

00:03.51 - Pole-vault skip over card reader occurs 28% slower than normal, putting speedrunner 2.3
seconds behind pace from the get-go.

00:07.09 - Speedrunner’s path to soup station hindered by unusually

long Flame line.

00:12.02 - Attempt to get soup slowed by inconsiderate diner

indecisively flavor-checking both soups.

00:34.37 - Three bowls of soup acquired, placed at two-person table

by windows.

00:52.30 - Speedrunner acquires glass of Hi-C, but fails to fill it to

the proper threshold on first attempt, delaying run by at least 2
seconds; audible sighs heard from curious onlookers.

01:12.84 - Mandatory dessert acquisition delayed by intrusive

thoughts of eating a stale chocolate-chip cookie.
Dramatic Recreation of Pole-vault Skip
Photo by Big 'Man' Steve
01:16.02 - Ghost pepper hot sauce bottle grabbed by speedrunner.
 Student's Weekly
01:21.74 - Speedrunner sits down; begins to drink first bowl of
spiced soup.

01:57.55 - First bowl of soup consumed, speedrunner exclaims burn

pain from ridge of mouth.

02:36.93 - Second bowl of soup consumed, speedrunner visibly

sweating; clutching chest.

02:40.32 - Speedrunner takes bite of cookie, recoils in disgust

before crumbling cookie into remaining bowl of soup.

03:09.09 - Speedrunner loses the mandatory best-of-three

Rock-Paper-Scissors match to Cafe Mac employee, impairing morale.

03:38.33 - Third bowl of soup consumed; speedrunner now quaking

in pain from spice and burns. Required amount of Hi-C consumed.

03:41.31 - With the passing of this time, speedrunner no longer Trader Joe's Ghost Pepper Chips. I don't fuckin'
eligible for top-5 time on Soup percent [Spice] speedrun category. know man it has ghost pepper in it fuck off I dont
need your shit ma-

03:44.80 - Speedrunner bumps into quirked-up white boy on way to put away dishes.

03:50.40 - Speedrunner drops napkin on floor next to compost bin, spends 2.2 seconds picking it up under
threat of run disqualification.

03:56.22 - Speedrunner’s dishes put away, begins sprint to finish line with tears in eyes and knots in
stomach.

04:03.23 - Despite stumble, speedrunner finishes run 18th on the Soup%[Spice] category leaderboard, cafe
mac applauds nonetheless.

5:38pm - Run ends. After thanking watcher and timer Jayden Sinclair, speedrunner seen stumbling out of
Cafe Mac clutching at his stomach.

11:18pm - Strange noises heard from Dupre basement All-Gender bathroom.

9:41am - Unconscious body discovered.

The Macalester Hegemonocle will continue to provide live updates as the situation develops.
 Heg
e's F
Facu irst
Sub lty
mis
sion
!

Mac CARES / MULCH plans a

series of events in
Macalester's Herb Garden

Parsley with the Provost

Mint with MSCS

Dill with the Dean

Sage with the Sage (Special guest Prof. Jim Laine)

Oregano with the OSLE

Lovage with the Sexy Trainers

 Great news! Thanks to a generous alumni
donor, we are excited to announce the
first inaugural...

HEGE GIVES BACK

GIVEAWAY FEELING LUCKY?

Just scan this QRcode and

fill out the quick form with
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Act now!