o c l e

m o n
g e
He m e s
Be c o h
w i t
s s e d
b s e
O
Ao3
Read Forbidden Sip 5'3"

Make Ao3 Account 5'9"

Spring 2023 i.1

Learn how to read
Find Members for Club

flexiesealfan69420

Gaymer
Chair

H
O3 X ege
A

Cum
Goo
 The MACALESTER

HEGEMONOCLE
Probably Macalester’s First…. And now Last…. Humor Magazine
Volume 26, Issue 1
Spring 2023

EDITORS-IN-CHIEF Head Of Production

Dan Bially Levy ‘24 Rene’e Gonzales ‘24
Zoe Roos Scheuerman ‘24*

Head Writer
Daniela Martinez ‘25

STAFF
Anina Peersen ‘23 Emma Malcolm ‘23 Morgan Niven ‘24*

Taylor Sibthorp ‘24 Arthur Motoyama ‘24 Hans Haenicke ‘25

Talia Ostacher ‘25 Paul McGinn ‘26 Audrey Lester ‘26

Eva Sturm ‘26 Emelia Brinkley ‘26 Georgia Richter ‘26

Coat Rack ‘99

* Study abroad

SHOUT OUTS
Audrey’s sister for letting us Talk about her dead cat
To Harold! The MVP of MAcalester Printing
Porn Phone in CC206, wherever you may be now
To our sons (Wac Meekly) for following in our footsteps
Whoever completely rearranged CC206 to give us a podium
Red, for believing in us

Founders : Mikey Freedman ‘ 11 and Danny Rocklin ‘ 11

characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead,
is purely satirical.
Follow us on instagram and twitter: @hegemonocle
email: Hegemonocle@Macalester.edu
 s? Idk
I'm alright Reference
ly know
with kids man, I bare
e
how to writ

RAVING
REVIEWS

Caught sleeping on the job and my house was

The babysitter showed up on time, but we
a mess when I came home. Wouldn't
couldn't find our kids after - Lily B. recomend :( - Antonia S.

Smoking good babysitter - Kaitlyn D. burned my house down "as a treat" - Kim L.
 Macalester’s Most Controversial
Donors
ALPHA MALE PODCASTER
@AlphaMail (sic) donated sixty thousand dollars (two
entire weeks of tuition) after having a live-streamed
meltdown. “The woke police aren’t gonna like this one,”
he exclaimed, and then subsequently injected himself
with multiple polio vaccines, tied his dick in a knot, and
donated the allowance his mother gave him to
Macalester College.

MALE MANIPULATOR
Macalester Financial Aid and Admissions once received a
letter promising a $200,000 donation:
“Hey, if you’re comfortable (absolutely fine if not, no
worries at all), I would love some pictures of your breasts
(not my male fantasies showing their true colors lmao).
Not that I’m trying to monetize your body or anything
(although you certainly have the right to make money off
of the sexualization of women’s bodies if you find that
empowering!), but I’d be willing to donate $200,000 just
for a lil’ wank to those bad girls!”
When Macalester refused, another letter arrived:
“Okay. Personally I think that your body is beautiful and
should be in the fucking Louvre, but if you have
internalized misogyny and want to hide your body in a
burlap sack then I can’t help you.”

LORI LOUGHLIN
Well…
“THE SPERM DONOR”
One night a bag of cash filled with soggy, cum-ridden
Benjamins showed up in front of the chapel, alongside a
note with cutout magazine letters reading “All my ‘love’
*wink wink*, The Sperm Donor.” If The Sperm Donor
wanted to remain anonymous, then it’s really weird that
they soaked their donation with some of their most
traceable DNA.
ANOTHER MEN’S RIGHTS PODCASTER (???)
Drinking game where you take a shot every time
Macalester gets a donation from a men’s rights podcaster.
Two shots isn’t that much but it’s still enough that it’s
weird that it keeps happening to us. It’s also entirely
possible that The Sperm Donor and the second men’s
rights podcaster are the same person.

PRINCE PHILLIP
As the Duke of Edinburgh, Prince Phillip is believed to have
accidentally funneled millions of dollars into Macalester by
telling the office that ran his finances to give his extra money to
“the fecking Scawts you whorish baustawd.” (He took his duties
as Duke of a Scottish city very seriously.) His advisors then
donated his money to the Macalester Scots. What most don’t
know is that Prince Phillip was effectively dead for months
before his official death (for twelve weeks he just lay in his bed,
not moving, but eyes wide open), so his financial advisor
decided that it would be a good time to reveal to Prince Phillip
where his money had been going; after all, what was Phil’s more
or less corpse supposed to do…respond? No! However, upon
hearing the news Phillip reportedly gasped and sat straight up
immediately, banishing his poor financial advisor to a tyrannical
rant.
“Ah, fock. Fockity fockity fock. You motherfocker. I want to fock
you up the arse so you’ll be shitting my incestous DNA for
years. What am I supposed to tell those li’il Scottie focking
cunts now,” Phillip reportedly wheezed.
Are Hot Cheetos Promoting
a leftist Agenda???
Recently, our intrepid voice of reason, Tucker Carlson, bravely
called out the M&M mascots for promoting a secret agenda and
grooming our children with wokeness. However, I believe there is
an even more obvious case of this phenomenon with another
popular snack, Flamin' Hot Cheetos.

In their never-ending quest to

make up new identities, the
liberals are convincing our
children to change their
gender to animals (furries)!!!
They even want to replace all
bathrooms in school with
litter boxes (real)!!!

Soy is scientifically proven to

lower men's testosterone
(real)!!! A clear attempt by
the liberals to forcibly
feminize our men and
destroy strong masculinity!!!

(Che)etos...
 In our last Fall Issue, we begged for your sperm. Some readers were wondering
why, accusing us of being “fucking weird” and “borderline creeps”, but we have our
reasons. Bon Appetit and the Biology Department were working together to make a
new student staff full of weird creatures, because, according to the Cafe
Mac Managers, “nobody wants to work these days.” Rather than making your entire
student work force have to ignore their schoolwork to work a shift that they
honestly donʼt get paid enough or properly trained
for, they decided to spend thousands of dollars to
purchase unfertilized chicken eggs and beg some
students for sperm (who were quick to accept).
We honestly didnʼt have to ask you guys for sperm,
the school just thought itʼd be more fitting if we did.

But how did the school make this work? Easy!

One of the biology professors offhandedlyadmitted
to watching those chicken eggs and human sperm This was the first Student Replacement
videos that everyone* had seen during Bio 180,and Cafe Mac creation. He's suprisingly the
was blackmailed into doing this for the school. After most functional of all, we think it's
because He's the only one who's had
letting these creations ferment in the dark corners training in the entire staff.
that is the entirety of the Humanities building, Cafe
Mac finally has enough "student-made" (ew) workers He's proud of this picture :).
to stop complaining about being understaffed.

Some of these lab creations came out alright and ready to exploit, the rest are
funny little guys work whenever. They don't do much other than make noises and
whimper when the human staff talk to them. Is this ethical? Who knows!
Remember this is a school that charges outrageous tuition, housing, and pressures
students to live off campus when rent is high as shit and minimum wage won't
cover it. They donʼt really care if we live or die! We canʼt complain though, weʼre
scared that President Rivera will pluck us one by one and replace us with weird
creatures if we insult the school one more time :( Weʼll end the story since the
Creatures are behind us now by Riveraʼs command.

*This is what heʼs saying to make himself feel better

 Macalester Theater and Dance
NEW* Courses Spring 2024
Written by Hans Haenicke Formatted by Rene'e Gonzales

Course Description Course Description

“Shakin dat ass and
getting dat cash” is the
Contemporary original and quite
misconstrued definition
intro to
of twerking in the
Twerking: modern world. Distorted
Modern theory by society in order to
from the diminish the freeing and
Subordinated expressing aspects of
this art form, this course
Perspective
aims at not only
THDA 41-01 teaching students the
Sarah McQueef basics of buttock
M W F 8 am - 12 pm
vibrations, but to
Distribution
Requirement: Fine
actively learn at
Arts breaking down the
negative pedagogies of
this complex “booty”
culture.
The Strip Club. That is what
will appear in one’s mind
when pondering the multiplex
form of Pole Dancing. A
growing and quite
introspective community
furthers this false idea by
providing monetary funds to
Pole Dancing:
dancers, which
Rod, Gyrate, simultaneously creates
Voyeur incentive to reward the
destructive behavior depicted
THDA 50-01 by the image of the deviant. In
Jonathan Staff this course we will further
T R 1:20 pm - 2:50 pm explore these main ideas by
Distribution not only learning the “moves''
Requirement: Fine Arts of the pole (spin, drop,
bounce, flash), but we will
Prerequisite(s): THDA also discuss possible solutions
45-01 (Lap Dancing II) towards creating
independence for the
entrenched community
looking to dance devoid of the
“strip” scene.

Adult Cinema and Course Description

Playwriting: The Set, For generations radical groups have feverishly
The Costume, and worked on either destroying or supporting this
multi-billion-dollar industry. But why? In this
The Act course we will study the intricate forms of Adult
Films in order to understand the deeper meaning
THDA 69-01
behind modern pornography. The first half of this
Cinnamon Clover course will focus on watching and imitating some of
M 7 pm - 10 pm the most popular and cultural films. The second
Distribution half will focus on using those skills to design sets,
Requirement: Fine Arts costumes, and even scripts. Students will be
encouraged to actively participate in several hands-
on workshops throughout the semester culminating
in a “live action” collaboration for students, staff,
and the local community. *Totally Real
 Dirty Rice and Me
An x Reader Fanfic

What’s wrong with me?

It’s my senior year and I have spent every single day of my college life scoffing at the
poor rice we are fed everyday. Undercooked, Overcooked, never Cooked. Yet, why did I just
wake up in a pile of rice, caressing me afterhours?
Today was like everyday. I enter Cafe Mac to ‘enjoy’ one commuter meal. Glancing
around to see what is offered to me. Over dressed salad, dry burger, and of course….crunchy
rice. No matter how much I slather it in whatever slop is available, the rock hard crunch is
enough to make me fear that I am actually eating my own tooth. Though, for some reason, the
heat lamp shining above the glossy white rice made it actually seem appetizing. The rice let out
a plume of smoke every time it was scooped into the ornate white bowls. The suddenly moist
rice makes my brain salivate. I shake the wet thought out of my head as I read what is on the
menu, but for some reason the words shuffled and were fading to only read white rice. I try to
rub the senioritis from my eyes, but the fantasy words stay the same. I try to walk far away from
the ‘Near and Far’ station, but at every step I feel myself being…pulled back to the wok of rice.
What is going on? I keep trying to walk, trying to reach the salad bar, but within a blink I
am facing the rice again.

“Why do you keep trying to leave, Y/N?”

“What the fuck?” I murmur as I look at the pile of rice. I swear I saw it move and talk.

No….it’s food. It can’t fucking do jack shit.

“I know you’ve wanted us for a long time...We are here now. Please...stay for a

moment.” whispered the rice. “We just want to talk.”

“I..uh…sure I’ll stay?” I say as my head slowly looks around. Suddenly, there was
nothing around me but rice walls. I stumbled back in fear, pressing against the wet surface. The
people who were loudly chattering disappeared. I was in a room of nothing but rice and now
standing before me was a body–a body formed like a sculpture of rice. Voids of holes making
eyes and a mouth. “What the hell?!” I screeched as I pushed myself back into the moist walls.
“I’m sorry! We didn’t mean to scare you,” Uttered the rice quickly, holding up their suddenly

formed grainy hands. “We just wanted to make sure no one bothered us again.”

Again? What does it mean by that? I look at it, wide eyes, unable to speak. I am unsure
how to even react to this rice. Rice, unlike any of the rice I have normally been forced to eat, has
suddenly transported me into this bizarre world. I swallow a glob of spit, trying to wet my dry
throat. “W-Where am I? What are you doing?”

“We are vast and mighty, Y/N. We are able to mold our rice, space, and time. We

just needed to have this moment to tell you that you are the reason our rice feels so

fluffy and well formed.” It spoke, it was like hissing steam from a rice cooker.

“I,” a pause, “I don’t understand what you mean by that, Rice.”

“You’ve always wanted us. You’ve never had a day where we were not on your

plate or bowl,” it started, “through our crunchy and our mushy moments. You still

returned to us.”

That wasn’t…wrong. I am a simple person. Whenever I see rice at a food station I know I

have to take the risk and hope that it is finally good. That it finally has the fluffiness and fullness
that every student wishes for. No matter how many times I have been disappointed, I always
return to them…

“Without you, who would come back to us everyday with a burning hope that we

can be better? We wanted to make sure you could feel how much this mattered to us.

That finally, we are the softest and most fluffy rice that you could ever dream of.”

After those words left the gaping hole that could be called its mouth, I was pulled into the
moisture of Rice surrounding me. Holding me in a
warm, moist, and steamy embrace. A hug one could
argue.
“It was nothing,” I murmured, “I just wanted to
keep trying for a good bowl of rice, that’s all.” Was
that all? I truthfully don’t think so but as this warmth seeped into my bones, I couldn’t really
think anymore. I am only thinking of Rice. It was heir steam that was causing my face to heat
up, not the blush of feeling a tight hold surrounding me.

“We can treat you to a good meal. So stay with us...for tonight. Let our softness

hold you tight and show you the reward for believing in us,” they whispered. The warmth

rolling in the room. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I could only smell the rice, the
stickiness attaching it to what bare skin was available.

“Alright. I will stay with you.”

The next morning, before prep work arrived, I was in the back kitchens. Sprawled on a
table, surrounded by…dry rice. The moisture of Rice went to keep me nourished sacrificing itself
for one night with me. To be left dry and scattered leaving me a message spelled on the ground,
just for me:

Until I am Soft Again

Art by Daniela Martinez Written by Rene’e Gonzales

To Antonia S, Your little kid decided to steal
my best fanfic and wouldn't stop crying over
fictional boy - Rene'e G.

To Kaitlyn D, I love a good MILF ;) - Rene'e G.

To Lily B, Are you sure you had any kids?

Because I sure don't think you do. And if you
did, they sure like to scream - Rene'e G.

To Kim L, You're welcome ❤ The kids wouldn't

stop begging for smores so I had to deliver. By
burning your valuables xoxo - Rene'e G.
 Hegemonocle's Featured
Obituaries

Dolly Parton iPhone Charger Charlie

1946-∞ 2012-2023 2007-2023
We are frequently We are incredibly disheartened to report the death of Charlie “Babs” Lester, a cat
our widely beloved soldier and friend, iPhone charger, that was once comfortable
reminded of Dolly who died in the field of battle after sustaining several living in a tree, which
Parton and her fatal bite wounds from a local squirrel. iPhone charger
died as a hero for the mission, and we solemnly honor
continued the chain of being a
tremendous help and his noble sacrifice. vicious invasive species. Was
influence in the USA, saved by the Lester family to
iPhone charger was a renowned soldier, proudly instead kill the birds that
and when Spring comes answering the call of duty for a solid ten years, never infested the walls in their city
once asking to be discharged. Over the course of his
we are reminded of her long career, he is credited with saving the lives of mansion. Charlie was the best
in DollyWood. Last many iPods, iPhones, and iPads on the verge of death, cat ever, who lovingly licked
providing them with ample charging even at his own their leftover neuter scars and
Saturday was the start detriment. He survived the internet at its most coughed up hairballs into
of the Flowers & Food unstable, enduring the threat of the world ending in
Audrey’s morning coffee – to
2012 and the universal craze of One Direction.
Festival, and we are challenge her cat allergies.
reminded of the amazing During the course of his exemplary charging service, Charlie would spend the last
iPhone charger served in some of the most important of her 16 years rubbing the
work and economic operations of his time, acting at the ready phone
luscious locks of fur onto the
boom she has provided power mobilization planner for Operation Cut the favored blanket and peeing on
Rope (2012); Operation Vine Force (2014); Operation
this town for decades. Binge Watch (2018); Operation Enduring Quarantine the camera hard drive, all
Next Wednesday we will (2020-2021) and Operation Midterms Procrastination owned by Audrey. You would
(2022). think that Charlie was
have a service for her in A service and burial with full military honors is to be
Garfield, as she died on a
remembrance of the held at Chargington Cemetery this upcoming Sunday
morning at 11:00 a.m. sharp. We ask that you join us as Monday that she oh so hated.
amazing things she’s we celebrate the legacy of this hero who dedicated Live up high in the trees you
done. himself to selfless service for others. Transportation little rascal. Charlie is
fees will not be covered.
She isn’t dead, we just like to think survived by Audrey and
about her. Audrey’s Sister (who loved
In lieu of flowers, please send donations so I can buy a
new charger. Charlie more).
 The Flame Iroh's Son Joe Biden
2020-2022 72-94 ASC 1942-2023
Last Thursday (or like 7 The cause of his death is Joe Biden is dead. Did we
months ago by now I mildly controversial, but expect it? Yes.
guess), The Flame grill the Insiders revealed Kamalähhh Harizz did it.
tragically passed away. that it was something She murdered him
Flame, Plant Forward, along the lines of a alright. All to become
and other friends were Cabbage Man (?) and president. Wow. Was it
ejected at top speeds worth it? Was it worth it
not during a fight in Ba
from a circus-grade having sex with him until
Sing Se. Although
human cannon in a bout he died? I guess so. Listen
literally no one really
everyone. She has the
of youthful mischief, knows anything about
nukes now. She has the
and then unfortunately him, his death has
fucking nukes and she’s
did not survive a largely influenced
going to hit arkansas with
horrible oil fire weeks nations. He’s survived everything that she’s got.
later. The Flame is by his father, Iroh, who I am Joe Biden’s Uncle
survived by their niece is no longer a war and I will not let this
Near & Far, who plans to criminal because the happen. Make me the
continue undercooking death of his son was new president and I will
rice and butchering somehow the push he take the nukes away from
cultural dishes to carry needed to no longer kill Kamalähhh. “Chocolate
on The Flame’s legacy. thousands of innocent Chocolate Chip”- April 1,
individuals. 2023
Unfortunately, sometimes having thousands of secret service agents ready to jump in front of a bullet
for you just doesn’t cut it — that’s life (death)! The obituaries of these three presidents are just now
being written because, well…they were just buried. Their burial was so delayed because for decades
First Ladies kept busy by hiding the presidents’ taxidermied bodies around the White House every
month for visiting school children to find. The tradition was so beloved that the White House waited to
discontinue it until the presidents were quite literally falling off the bone. To maintain school
children’s interest in these presidents, Arlington Cemetery has announced another cool opportunity:
Children will be able to dig up the presidents’ graves and observe the presidents laying there in the
fetal position with their hair and fingernails still growing. In honor of their burial, the government tried
to satiate decades of conspiracy theories by releasing an executive summary titled “Top 10 Questions
about Lincoln, JFK and Garfield’s assassinations that science can’t answer — NOT CLICKBAIT!!!!” The
summary highlights the fact that all presidents were assassinated by the same person (confirmed by
source), all First Ladies were wearing bulletproof vests when their husbands were shot (what did they
know?????), and the fact that Lincoln’s penis was throbbingly erect even as he lost vast amounts of
Lincoln/Garfield/ blood. All families delivered touching tributes in one way or another: Lincoln’s family said they felt
“neutral” about Lincoln’s presidency during a telephone survey, several members of Garfield’s family
JFK believed that it was the beloved cartoon cat that died and chanted “R.I.P. that pussy” while his casket
was lowered, and the Kennedy family sweetly engraved “He had that sloppy brain, if you know what I
???-??? mean ;)” on JFK’s tombstone. R.I.P. assholes! <3
 Hi, hegemonocle! Post Logout

omega
About the Staff
Issues Browse Search Lawsuits Search

Rene'e Gonzales
Hegemonocle (Webseries) - Fandom

Hurt Comfort, Depressed, Repressed,

Sexless, Chubby Mamas, Undertaker
(Black Butler)/Reader, Alpha

Arthur Motoyama
Hegemonocle (Webseries) - Fandom

Violating the cat obituary, Little Guy,

Cook/Produce

Emelia Brinkley
Hegemonocle (Webseries) - Fandom

Magic Music Man, science court

alternate-universe, fucking
disgusting
Dan Bially Levy
Hegemonocle (Webseries) - Fandom

Omega , Ga(y)mer Boy, Squirrel

Enthusiast

Georgia Richter
Hegemonocle (Webseries) - Fandom

Drunk, FullMetal Alchemist, Chaotic

Hair Moment, Communism/Reader

Paul McGinn
Hegemonocle (Webseries) - Fandom

M4M, Depressed, Hair, Cuddling,

Touch-starved, Sweat, Slow-burn,
More Hair

Talia Ostacher
Hegemonocle (Webseries) - Fandom

Russian History/Russian Language,

Очень симпатичная, хорошая
подруга, любит историю, покойся
с миром
Hans Haenicke
Hegemonocle (Webseries) - Fandom

Medieval Fantasy Porn, Potion Play,

Sword’dos, Normal Dildos, Sports
Guy

Taylor Sibthorp
Hegemonocle (Webseries) - Fandom

Artist, Slow Burn, Left to Go Get Milk

and Cigarettes

Daniela Martinez
Hegemonocle (Webseries) - Fandom

Big booty latina, angst, beta, mpreg,

Chronic Pain Badie

Audrey Lester
Hegemonocle (Webseries) - Fandom

37M, Slytherclaw, Nonexistent (social

construct with material effects),
runt, Cat has no Balls (dead), Doggy
Style
What QR Shall You
Chose, Reader?