Janine G.

Rivera BFA-CW

Feeling in Her Shoes Janine, halika sa kabila. Wala na yata ang tita mo, Mama told me from the doorway of my bedroom. I looked up from the picture as I was drawing. The sad solemn look on my mothers face made me put the down all my drawing stuff on my bed. In silence, I slid into my slippers and followed her down the stairs. JB, my little brother stood in the middle of the living room looking like he didnt exactly know how to feel. I turned to Papa waiting by the door but already he stared out into the busy street lost in his thoughts despite the noise of the passing vehicles. We all got out of the house and crossed the street. JB, alalayan mo Papa mo, Mama instructed. We quietly followed the two males of our family as we rounded the street corner and crossed the street once again. In silent procession, we walked towards my aunts home. I looked up as we approached the gate and there she was. My other aunt, Tita Margie stood by the gate with a calm face but mournful eyes. She approached my dad and in a quiet voice she explained, Kuya Dick, sa tingin ko wala na siya. Pinatawag na namin si Doctor Bobby para tingnan siya. Her voice hitched at the end and she fell silent for a moment. Not one of us spoke but I noticed my mom touching my fathers arm and sticking close to him. Aftwerwards, Tita Margie opened the screen door to the house and we shuffled in towards the former living room now being used as my aunt and grandmas bedroom. Before it was only for Nanay Naty who in her nineties could no longer go upstairs to sleep, but when Mommylet was stricken with cancer she basically moved in with Nanay. I immediately spared a glance at Nanay but she was peacefully asleep in her bed, isolated from the world. Then finally, I followed my familys stares. There she was, Mommylet, seated in her wheelchair in repose. Papa stared down at her in intense silence his eyes shining in their moist. Mama and JBs eyes were already tearing up.

Janine G. Rivera BFA-CW

I looked at Tita Margie who was fluttering about the room looking for stuff. With a nudge from Mama, JB began to follow her about ready to lend her a hand in her search. As she moved, Tita Margie continually spoke. JB, humanap ka ng towel lilinisin ko si Ate Alice. Hindi ko man lang napapansin, kausap ko pa siya kanina tapos natulog lang siya. Pag-silip ko sa kanya napansin ko na parang di na siya nahinga. Pops, puwede mo bang hawakan ang panga niya. Papa, Mama, and JB were already crying silently. I looked down unto Mommylets face and saw that her mouth was indeed slightly open in her repose. With surprisingly steady hands, I held unto her face and gently held close her lips. The warmth of my hand enclosed the coldness of her face. Something warm and wet started to fall against my cheek. As my vision blurred, I could no longer stop the tears streaming down my face. But still I held on gently to her face as Tita Margie began to clean Mommylet with a damp towel. A handkerchief dabbed at my face gently as I noticed Mama wipe my tears away. I heard a familiar sniffle by her side and I knew that JB had begun to cry really hard as well. For a good 30 minutes, I cried my eyes out. Then the tears were gone, my eyes dried up quite quickly in comparison. The rest of my family still cried in silence. It was Tita Margie who did not shed any tears, and even went out to meet Dr. Bobby as he came to check on Mommylet. At least, hindi siya nahirapan, Dr. Bobby exclaimed in an all professional demeanor only his eyes reflected his grief. Oo nga, hindi ko man lang napansin, agreed Tita Margie. Unexpectedly, Dr. Bobby bent down and touched Mommylets still hand. Maam, thank you po for everything, he declared with reverence. I felt a sad smile touch my lips as I remembered the Dr. Bobby was one of Mommylets former students in De La Salle Lipa. With that, Dr. Bobby stepped outside with Tita Margie and Papa. JB and Mama sat

Janine G. Rivera BFA-CW

in silence nearby. I on the other hand remained standing behind Mommylets wheelchair holding her face close. Every now and then, I glanced up from Mommylets face to check on Nanay Naty in case she awakens. When Tita Margie and Papa stepped back into the house, the people from Virrey Funeral Homes were already behind them. As they began to lay down Mommylets still form on the gurney I stood in silenced and observed the adults. Alam na ba ng Inay? asked Papa as he looked down in concern at Nanays face. Hindi pa. Tulog siya kanina pa, Tita Margie explained. Papa nodded solemnly as the silence lengthened. Reality was clearly etched on their faces; neither of them knew how to break it to Nanay for both feared worsening her condition. Tapos na po, maam. Dadalhin na po namin siya, broke in one of the funeral home guy. Tita and Papa nodded. As they began to wheel out Mommylet, everyone else followed suit. I was left alone in the living room to keep an eye on Nanay Naty just in case. As I sat there, quite alone I felt sorrow in my heart but I noticed that I could no longer cry. And everything else after that moment went by in a blur. My mind seemed to have deemed the events incomprehensible, from the preparations up to the wake. I could still go to school and continued work without delay. I was focused and concentrated; it seemed to the world that what happened seemed to have not bothered me much at all. Although there was the constant weight of sadness in my heart I knew for myself that I could still functionI could still work. So I did. I finished my work and everything else I had to do yet I always returned to the wake afterwards calm, collected, and sad. I mingled with relatives, helped out in

Janine G. Rivera BFA-CW

distributing food and drinks, prayed, and sat in silence. Yet, I did not wish to hang out with my parents that much. Although I was sad, a sense of isolation kept me going. I ate a lot and talked a lot with my cousins. When things needed to be bought, I volunteered to lend a hand as quickly as I could. I could still read books, cross stitch, and draw on the bed in the sleeping quarters by the mortuary. I sensed a feeling of disappointment and annoyance from my parents. I knew why, I wasnt really grieving like any of them. And then came the burial and it was over all too quickly. We all said our goodbyes yet I still did not cry although so many of my family, immediate and extended cried their eyes out. But a few were like me, silent and solemnnot crying. Afterwards, as I lay on my bed that very night I knew for I sensed that many of my relatives could not understand me. I guess like my parents they all felt that I wasnt really grieving. Unable to sleep, I opened my jewelry box and touched several pieces which Mommylet gave me. Para magamit mo pag nagtuturo ka. I smiled as if I could still hear her firm and energetic voice. Janno, ayan ka na naman parang maton. Wala ka na naman ka finesse-finesse. Mommylet sure did not like it when I did not look after myself, and when I acted more like a boy rather than the young lady I should be thus my male pet name. I looked across the room at my rolled up diploma. Despite all that, she was my most avid supporter. She wanted me to go for it so I did. Basta, gawin mo kung ano talaga ang gusto mo. Just be your own person. Ikaw lang makakapag-decide sa buhay mo. She was the one who delivered the news from the guidance office that I got the scholarship from Ateneo de Manila with creative writing as a course. She was that excited and happy, that she delivered it all the way to my room in BM 44. I looked at my hand, my college ring that my finger hardly parts withthe ring she gladly bought for me; her gift for me in finishing my creative writing course. That night I looked around my room and so many items came from her. Amidst them, I finally fell asleep. Life continued on and so I continued to teach. One Sunday, I came from Tita Margies house with a whole plastic bag of shoes. A few days before, Tita told me, Pops, ang dami pang sapatos doon ni Ate Alice. Hindi ko naman masuot, matataas

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ang takong. Kunin mo na lang, para magamit mo pa sa trabaho. And so I did, I already had other shoes and clothes which I basically inherited from Mommylet but I could not say no to her other shoes. So most of the time, I work wearing her shoes. One day, as I was waiting by the ATM to withdraw my salary somebody tapped my shoulder. I turned to see, Ms. R, one of my teachers in high school and Mommylets colleague. Janine, kumusta ka na? Ayos naman po. Heto po, kumukuha ng sweldo bago magklase. Ms. R turned to the teacher beside her Ms. M. I knew her from the high school although she wasnt my teacher in any of my classes. Siya ang pamangkin ni Ms. Rivera. Dito rin siya nagtuturo. Talaga. Saan? Ms. M exclaimed. Sa college po, I replied. Aba, e manang mana sa tita! Ms. M declared. Oo nga, siya ang kapalit, Ms. R agreed proudly. I smiled kindly at them. Pati nga ata fashion sense ni Maam nakuha niya, Ms. M happily added. Ms. R nodded in complete agreement. All I could do was smile. A few days after, when I was asked to substitute in one of the classes I greeted my students as I always did. And I introduced myself as according to my protocol. Good morning, Ill be the one teaching your class for now. Im Ms. Janine Rivera. But please call me Ms. Janine and not Ms. Rivera. With that, I glanced down on the rust colored shoes on my feet and smiled. Remember, Ms. Janine. Okay?

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I smiled as I remembered a long time ago, when a little girl of four donned on her aunts teachers uniform, choker, earrings, and slid into big high heeled shoes in front of her laughing aunt. I also remembered the girl who loved to read books under the watchful eye of her aunt. I also remembered the young woman who constantly drew and write, alone in her room happy with her isolation. I nodded to myself, I am Ms. Janine indeed. Thats why a few months later when a student asked, Pamangkin po pala kayo ni Ms. Rivera? Naging teacher ko po siya. Oo, tita ko nga siya, I replied. E di, katulad ninyo po pala siya talaga. I shook my head. With a loving smile, I declared, Hindi. Hindi ko siya katulad.