Bienestar Emocional Workbook EmotionalWellbeing March2016

Let’s Talk
5 Steps to emotional wellbeing

Improving access to psychological therapies
2nd Edition, 2016
Written by: Jo Davies and Alison Sedgwick-Taylor, Clinical Psychologists at 2gether NHS Foundation Trust with assistance
from Belinda Heaven and members of the EWM Steering Committee.
Disclaimer
The authors have made every effort to ensure the accuracy and reliability of the information in this workbook however it
is not intended to be a substitute for medical advice or treatment. Any person with a condition requiring medical
attention should consult a qualified medical practitioner or suitable therapist. Evidence suggests that self-help material is
most effective when you are supported by an appropriately qualified clinician. We strongly advise that when using this
workbook you stay in touch with your named clinician. If for any reason you are unable to reach them and you are
feeling concerned about your mental health we recommend that you go to see your Doctor. Other agencies that can
help you are listed at the back of the Workbook.
© Copyright, 2gether NHS Foundation Trust 2012
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form
or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of
the above named. Registration and ID No constitute written permission and are required for use of master copy.
For further information contact:
Let’s Talk Gloucestershire
2
gether NHS Foundation Trust
Rikenel, Montpellier
Gloucester, GL1 1LY
Let’s Talk Herefordshire
2
Benet Building
Ruckhall Lane, Belmont
Hereford, HR2 9RP
Tel: 0800 073 2200
Email: 2gnft.Talk2gether@nhs.net
Website: www.talk2gether.nhs.uk
Trust website: www.2gether.nhs.uk
Produced by Hobbs Design
Email: helen@hobbsdesign.co.uk
Contents
Step 1 Looking after your body 8
• Eating well 10
• Get active 11
• Sleep well 14
• Look good 15
Step 2 Liking yourself 18

• Accept yourself 20
• Act confidently 22
• Balanced thinking 23
• Wise words 26
Step 3 Finding happiness 30

• Meaning 32
• Compassion 33
• Change focus 34
• Relaxation and time for you 35
Step 4 Being with others 40

• Get connected 42
• Listening well 44
• Be assertive 45
• Relationships 48
Step 5 Managing difficult days 52

• Notice your early warning signs 54
• Solving problems 56
• Managing your difficult feelings 58
• My difficult day plan 59
Other helpful resources 61

Contacts 62
Exercise plans 66
5 Steps to emotional wellbeing
• Eating well
Step 1 • Get active
Looking after • Sleep well
your body • Look good
• Accept yourself
Step 2 • Act confidently
Liking • Balanced thinking
yourself
• Wise words
• Meaning
Step 3 • Compassion
Finding • Change focus
happiness • Relaxation and
time for you
• Get connected
Step 4 • Listening well
Being with
• Be assertive
others
• Relationships
Step 5 • Notice your early warning signs

Managing • Solving problems
difficult days • Managing your difficult feelings
• My difficult day plan
Introduction
Keeping well emotionally seems to be a very real challenge these days. But however many
demands that are thrown at us, we can all do something to improve our own wellbeing.
This Manual is written by you for you. We have asked a lot of people across Gloucestershire
how they keep well emotionally and have tried to put that information in one place so it is
available to everyone.
The Manual is intended to be used by anyone but is probably best suited to people over 16
years of age. It can be used by people who have serious mental health problems through
to those who have only ever experienced minor upsets. We can all improve our wellbeing.
We would like to suggest that you read through the Manual first and then come back to
read and practise the exercises step by step. We really hope you find something in here
that improves your wellbeing and keeps you well. The quotes are fictitious but are based
on real feedback from people who have used the techniques in their own lives.
How to use this manual

The Manual will only be useful if you put into practice some of the tips and exercises.
Keeping well emotionally is just like keeping fit physically. You have to make the decision to
keep well and start working at it. It can be difficult, at times painful and you may want to
give up a lot of the time. But just like keeping fit, if you keep doing the exercises, it will get
easier and you will start to feel the benefits. Throughout the Manual you will read about
the experiences of people who have been helped by making small changes in their lives
which have helped to improve their emotional health. This will, hopefully, motivate you to
keep at it.
Getting well and staying well emotionally is about making changes to the way you think and behave.
Setting yourself some SMART goals will make it more likely that you make the changes you want to make.
This is what SMART stands for:
Specific – make your goal specific enough so you know exactly what you are working towards, for
example: two sessions of exercise a week, calling a friend, tidying the drawer, speaking to the neighbour.
attending a course, applying for a job.
Measurable – make your goal measurable – that way you know when you have achieved them– for
example: twice per week for twenty minutes, tidy the kitchen drawer, the neighbour opposite, the English
course at the local college, the job advertised this week in the paper.
Achievable – make sure your goal is realistic! There is no point aiming for an hour of exercise a day when
normally you can’t find the time or energy for a walk around the block. Once you’ve achieved your smaller
goals you can always build up.
Rewarding – make your goal fun and enjoyable – if you don’t find it rewarding it is much harder to keep
going on a tough day. For example, you may find a dance class more rewarding than a run, or vise versa.
Time-limited – set yourself a time limit by when you want to achieve your goal. Sometimes with no
deadline, we end up losing motivation and momentum. It is better to start with realistic short-term goals.
REMEMBER: a big building starts with small bricks. Getting well emotionally and staying well, takes work.
5
Use the scale
opposite to monitor
your emotional wellbeing
as you work through
the steps in
the Manual.
6
The Warwick–Edinburgh mental wellbeing scale
Below are some statements about feelings and thoughts. Please tick the box that best
describes your experience of each over the last 2 weeks. You can calculate your wellbeing score by counting
up all the numbers you ticked. A minimum score is 14 and the maximum is 70. The higher your total score, the better your wellbeing.
Statements None of Rarely Some of Often All of

the time the time the time
I’ve been feeling optimistic about the future 1 2 3 4 5
I’ve been feeling useful 1 2 3 4 5
I’ve been feeling relaxed 1 2 3 4 5
I’ve been feeling interested in other people 1 2 3 4 5
I’ve had energy to spare 1 2 3 4 5
I’ve been dealing with problems well 1 2 3 4 5
I’ve been thinking clearly 1 2 3 4 5
I’ve been feeling good about myself 1 2 3 4 5
I’ve been feeling close to other people 1 2 3 4 5
I’ve been feeling confident 1 2 3 4 5
I’ve been able to make up my own mind

about things 1 2 3 4 5
I’ve been feeling loved 1 2 3 4 5
I’ve been interested in new things 1 2 3 4 5
I’ve been feeling cheerful 1 2 3 4 5
Warwick Edinburgh Mental Wellbeing Scale

© NHS Health Scotland, University of Warwick and University of Edinburgh, 2006, all rights reserved.
7
Step 1
Looking after your body
• Eating well
Step 1 • Get active
Looking after
your body • Sleep well
• Look good
This section is about your body. Often we forget

that our bodies need care and attention to keep
them going, just like cars or plants. Wellbeing
takes work.
8
Eating well: Eating a well balanced diet and healthy food regularly is
important to keep your body functioning at its best. Did you know that the
amount of water and the type and quality of food you eat can directly
influence your mood and energy levels during the day? There are easy ways to
keep your body in balance, which may involve changing your daily habits.
Get active: Keeping fit not only improves your physical health, it releases a
lot of ‘feel good’ chemicals. Exercise is a great way of reducing stress and
increasing energy levels. Start small and build fitness levels over time. Keeping
busy is also important for your wellbeing. Do activities that make you feel
good, (or used to make you feel good) even when you don’t feel like it. This
way you can increase your motivation and want to do more which will further
improve your wellbeing.
Sleep well: Sleep is really important to how we feel. Often, the time when
we most need sleep is when we most struggle to sleep. It’s easy to get into
unhelpful sleep habits such as going to bed too late or napping in the day.
There are simple steps to correct these habits. Having a ‘ready for bed’ routine
and avoiding coffee and smoking can make a big difference to sleep. It is not
the number of hours sleep you get that is important but rather the quality of
your sleep.
Look good: Making an extra effort with how you look can improve your
confidence, and it is an easy way to pick your mood up when you’re feeling
down. Aim for making the best of what you’ve got.
Do you recognise any of these feelings?

yes no I feel achy and tired, weary at the thought of any exercise.
yes no I often don’t want to get out of bed, even after a good nights sleep.
yes no I feel sluggish and lethargic a lot of the time. It feels easier to slump on the sofa!
yes no I have been tossing and turning at night, finding it difficult getting off or staying asleep.
yes no I avoid the mirror because I don’t want to see how I look.
If you answered YES to any of these questions, then you may benefit from some of the information and tips
in the following section – read on!
9
Eating well
The foods we eat can play an important part in the way we
feel and can help you maintain a healthy weight.
TOP TIPS
• Eat regularly throughout the day. Aim for 3 meals per
day with breakfast being particularly important.
Skipping meals leads to low blood sugar and can make
you feel tired, irritable and moody.
• Choose less refined high sugar foods and drinks and

more whole grain cereals, pulses, fruit and vegetables.
Sugary foods are absorbed quickly into the
bloodstream which gives you a burst of energy that
soon wears off as the body increases it’s insulin
production, leaving you feeling tired and low.
• Include protein at each meal which is good for our

skin, organs, muscles, immune systems and our brains
so has an effect on our mood. Protein foods are meat
or meat substitute, fish, eggs, milk, cheese, nuts, beans,
lentils (dhal).
• Eat a wide variety of foods, including oily fish (omega

3 fatty acids). The more varied your diet the more
chance you have of getting all the nutrients you need.
• Drink plenty of water throughout the day and cut

down on tea ,coffee, hot chocolate and soft drinks
which contain a lot of caffeine or sugar. If you drink
alcohol keep within recommended limits .
‘‘ I am Rafal, I drive an
HGV and am earning a
good wage. Every month I send
money back to my family in Poland.
Recently, I was not feeling well and went
to see my doctor. She asked me lots of
questions about my lifestyle. I need to stay
well so I am now eating much better and
have changed my shifts so
‘‘
my sleep is more regular. This has really
helped to make me feel more in
control of my life.
10
Get active
Regular exercise improves health and fitness as well as our confidence.
It stimulates the body to produce “feel good” chemicals. It gets rid of
tension, relieves stress, helps us sleep better and gives our bodies the best
chance to fight off illness. It is an essential part of emotional wellbeing.
Try to get into the habit of taking regular exercise. If you are a beginner to exercise, here are a few TIPS:
This does not mean you have to join a Gym. Any
activity that increases your heart rate counts.
Walking, jogging, skipping, cycling, swimming, and TOP TIPS
dancing. Choose something that you enjoy, as you
will be more likely to stick to it and it won’t feel like • Get off the bus one stop earlier than usual or park
a chore! The aim is for 20 minutes of increased heart your car slightly further away from work, college
rate at least 3 times per week (and this does not or school.
need to be all in one go!)
• If you are not physically able, consider
strengthening the stronger parts of your body.
WHY BOTHER?
Increasing our activity and exercise levels can have a • Gardening – this is harder work than you think! It
big impact on our mood by: is a very good exercise activity and you also get
the benefit of being outdoors in the fresh air.
• Helping us think about something other than our
worries. • Dancing – this can be fun and does not necessarily
• Using up spare adrenaline from anxiety or anger. feel like exercise. With the right music you won’t
• Giving us a sense of achievement, pleasure and even notice you are exercising.
connection to others.
• Helping the body to produce natural anti- • Gentle exercise such as yoga or pilates is good for
depressants. your body too, even though it does not raise your
• Making us feel less tired. heart rate it. It builds your core strength, improves
• Giving us an appetite. posture and can improve wellbeing.
• Motivating us to do more.
• Helping us think more clearly. • Having sex also counts!
Getting active
When we are struggling emotionally we can often
feel that going out, seeing people, receiving phone
calls, or doing exercise is just too much effort.
Sometimes this can turn into a habit and can result
in us withdrawing from life which can make us feel
worse. To stay well emotionally we need a balance
of CLOSENESS, ACHIEVEMENT and PLEASURE in our
lives. Have a go at the get active plan overleaf to see
if your life is in balance.
11
Exercise: Get active plan
For 1 week (at least) write briefly in each box:
What you did (brief description),
One word that describes your Mood, and rate the intensity of your mood on a scale of 0 – 100%,
Rate your sense of Achievement for the activity on a scale of 0–10 (A = 0–10),
Rate your sense of Closeness to others (C = 0–10),
Rate your sense of Pleasure (P = 0–10).
Time Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday

Coffee in bed School run (got
6–8am Happy = 60% there on time!)
P=8
A=0
C=8
Example Example
Irritable = 80%
P=3
A=9
C=5
6–8am
8–10am
10–12am
12–2pm
2–4pm
4–6pm
6–8pm
8–10pm
10–12pm
After a week of completing the diary, you might notice patterns in your mood and how particular activities
affect your mood. The aim is to increase the Pleasure, Achievement and Closeness in your everyday life.
Use the next sheet to make a plan for a more balanced life.
12
Closeness, achievement, pleasure log
Our mood is greatly affected by what we do, when, and with whom.
For at least a week write down what you do each day which gives you a sense
of Closeness to others, sense of Achievement, and Pleasure on a scale of
0 (none) – 10 (maximum), or just tick the relevant column.
Activity Closeness Achievement Pleasure
Monday Walking the dog Example 3 7 8
Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
Friday
Saturday
Sunday
After a week of tracking your closeness,

achievement and pleasure you might see some
patterns. Are you low on one of the areas? If so,
plan how next week you can make some changes. If
walking the dog gives you pleasure, then do it some
more. If you are not having much closeness, you
need to get on the phone or maybe just slow down
and notice the people around you. Setting yourself
small tasks and doing them can increase your sense
‘‘
of achievement and wellbeing rapidly.
I lost my wife 4
years ago and my life has
never been the same. I have been
feeling very low. My doctor gave me this
book and I decided to get out in the garden
again. I started with small jobs but I now am
back in the Greenhouse. It’s not the same.
I can’t show Beryl but the neighbours
complement the flowers and I feel proud. I’ve
something to look forward to and think
about. My advice is Get Busy as it seems to
‘‘
bring back the purpose to life.
Jim, 85 years
13
Sleep well
Getting enough quality sleep is an important part of keeping emotionally
well. Sleep is just as important as eating a balanced diet and getting
regular exercise. However, it is easy to fall into bad sleep habits. This section
may help you get your sleep routine back on track.
Here are some facts about sleep that may help:

WHAT IS SLEEP?
There are five different stages of sleep, from stage
one (light sleep) into deeper sleep. In stage five, we
TOP TIPS
dream and our brains are very active. We move Do…
through these stages throughout the night, • Ensure your bed is comfortable and warm, and
spending most of our time in the lighter stages. All your bedroom well aired.
types of sleep are important for recharging your
body and mind. • Go to bed at a regular time each night and get up
at the same time each morning, regardless of how
HOW MUCH SLEEP DO I NEED? much sleep you have had.
This depends mainly on your age and how much • Don’t drink too much tea or coffee, especially in
exercise you are doing. Babies can sleep for about the evening. Caffeine is also found in other drinks
17 hours each day (not in one block though!). In such as colas and energy drinks.
adult life, most of us need between 7–8 hours sleep
each night, but we need less as we get older. • Have a set bed time routine e.g. a warm bath
Although sleeping aids or medication may help at before bed and/or a warm drink before bedtime.
times of crisis it is not recommended that you take • Use your bed for sleep and rest only – not eating
them for more than three weeks because of the risk or watching TV.
of getting addicted.
• Stay in bed and rest if you wake in the middle of
the night.
Here are some TOP TIPS for improving your sleep
pattern: • Get up and do something unexciting. if you are
awake more than 20 minutes, such as reading a
paper until you are sleepy.
• Try writing down your worries in the evening
rather than thinking about them all night.
TOP TIPS
• Try relaxation CDs or techniques. You do not
Don’t… achieve relaxation by simply doing nothing. You
• Watch a horror or action film, or play computer need to find an activity preferably with both
games just before going to bed. mental and physical aspects to divert your
• Go to bed hungry or straight after a big meal. attention from the stressful part of your day. (See
• Have a lot of late nights, as your body will adjust section 3 for some helpful relaxation exercises.)
to getting to sleep later.
• Think about your worries when you are in bed
– they will keep you awake!
• Take naps in the day – it makes it harder to sleep
at night.
• Start a difficult conversation with someone late at If you do suffer from sleep problems and these
night. strategies do not help, you may wish to visit your
• Exercise late in the evening. GP for further help.
14
Look good
What we think about how we look often depends on our image of our
ourselves, rather than how we actually look. When we don’t feel good
about ourselves we tend not to look after ourselves. It’s really important to
make the best of what we have. This might mean just washing our hair more
often or taking the time to clean our nails.
Body image is influenced by many things including our personal history, what
we see in other people, our mood and our culture. Poor body image affects
self esteem and can influence the way you live your life, how you treat yourself
and the relationships you develop. Learning to accept your body and
appearance takes time and determination. Taking care of what you have and
behaving more confident than you are will make you look good to others and
feel good about yourself.
Want to feel good about how you look?
TOP TIPS:
• Don’t aim to be “perfect”; it is better to be
healthy and happy!
• Your skin and eyes can be clearer and brighter by

drinking plenty of water, eating healthily and
taking exercise.
As i m ple e x
• Exercise such as yoga can improve your mind and
d! e rc
o is e
go
body. Better posture can make you look more
confident. On a sheet of .
g
paper write down

li n
ee
• Treating yourself to an item of new clothing can everything you don’t like
really improve self-esteem. This does not need to
ing Good/ F
about your appearance, then

be brand new. The Charity shops are a great place take a separate piece of paper
for playing with a new image.
and write down everything you do
like. Take the first, negative sheet
• For many men shaving is a chore; however
sometimes a well groomed look makes you feel
and throw it away but hold on to
the positive one! Put it on the
ok
and look better. Many men now use moisturiser

and other products to take care of their fridge, or carry with you so you
Lo
appearance. can remember what you

like about yourself.
• Smiling is one of the best beauty tips. Smiling
lights up your face. ‘Smiling broadly’ can actually
improve your mood, and laughing releases ‘feel
good’ chemicals into your body.
15
What changes can you make?
Before you plan out what changes you can make, make SMART goals. By doing it the
SMART way, you are more likely to achieve your goals.
Reminder: SMART stands for:
Specific – make your goal specific enough so you know exactly what you are
working towards, e.g. two sessions of exercise a week, drinking 4 glasses of
water per day.
Measurable – make your goal measurable - that way you know when you
have achieved it – e.g. twice per week for twenty minutes.
Achievable – make sure your goal is realistic! There is no point aiming for an
hour of exercise a day when normally you can’t find the time or energy for a
walk around the block, once you’ve achieved your smaller goals you can
always build up.
Rewarding – make your goal fun and enjoyable – if you don’t find it
rewarding it is much harder to keep going on a tough day. For example, you
may find a dance class more rewarding than a run, or vise versa.
Time-limited – set yourself a limit of when you want to achieve your goal by.
Sometimes with no deadline, we end up losing motivation and momentum. It
is better to start with short-term goals, and have long term ones too. But
remember – make it realistic.
REMEMBER:
Bodies and minds
need care and
attention
16
My STEP ONE SMART Goals
Now have a go at writing down your goals. Make them SMART. You can write down
short, medium and/or long term Goals. Short term goals are generally to be worked
towards in the next week, medium term goals in the next 4 weeks and long term
goals to be worked towards over the next 6 months to a year.
Eating well
Keep active
Sleep well
Look good
17
Step 2
Liking yourself
Step 2 • Accept yourself

Liking • Act confidently
yourself • Balanced thinking
• Wise words
This section is about learning to like yourself.

Life can feel chaotic and stressful, and we can
sometimes neglect to make time for ourselves.
This chapter looks at some of the important
factors that make us who we are and more
importantly, how we feel about ourselves.
18
Accept yourself: Have you ever noticed how harshly you judge yourself?
Thinking you are not good enough can make you feel low. Try to focus on your
good points and not set your standards or goals too high. No-one is perfect
– good enough can be good enough.
Act confidently: Confidence is something you have to work at, and can be
easily knocked in difficult situations. Learning to treat yourself as you would a
best friend can help you on your way to realise your worth. Confidence can be
increased by setting yourself small and realistic goals. When you achieve them,
remember to praise yourself.
Balanced thinking: Becoming aware of unhelpful thinking habits and

learning how to challenge these thoughts can be very useful. The way we
think about ourselves has a big impact on how we feel and behave. If we can
get control over our thoughts, we can get control of our lives.
Wise words: When things get tough, you can find yourself telling yourself
off. Learning some wise and kind statements to use when you are feeling fed
up, disappointed or cross with yourself can be really useful, such as; what’s the
worst that could happen, how likely and could I cope? One step at a time; I am
doing my best; good enough is good enough; considering what I have been
through – I am doing OK.
Do you recognise any of these thoughts?

yes no I am too afraid of trying new things for fear of getting it wrong.
yes no I feel like everyone is giving me a hard time.
yes no I don’t deserve good things in my life.
yes no I am not good enough.
yes no I never get what I need.
yes no I am misunderstood.
If you have answered YES to any of the above – you may benefit from some of the information and tips in the
following section – read on!
19
Accept yourself
Liking ourselves can be surprisingly hard. In this chapter, we will give you
lots of ideas to begin liking yourself more. The techniques take time but
persist and you may end up loving yourself. The RECIPE for loving ourselves
includes accepting and valuing ourselves, being confident and communicating
well with others.
Self-acceptance is about creating a balanced view of yourself as a whole

person, with excellent, good, OK and not such good qualities. It’s about
realising that you are a ‘good enough’ person, not perfect but not terrible
either. You are human and will have made mistakes and had many successes.
HOW DO WE ACHIEVE SELF-ACCEPTANCE?

We build self acceptance by keeping our qualities in perspective. So, for
example ‘I may not be perfect, but I am generous and kind most of the time,
and I always try and do my best and right my wrongs.’ Praise yourself – pay
attention to your better qualities and understand and forgive the mistakes or
less positive aspects.
We often forget to say positive things to ourselves, and sometimes that is

because we don’t feel it or just don’t know how to do it. By focusing more on
your qualities, you can achieve a more balanced perspective. This takes
practice. It’s a new skill. You would not be able to pick up a guitar and play or
jive dance without practice.
‘‘ I have always
been super critical
of myself. I then got depressed
when I was made redundant. I felt
like a failure. Learning to accept
myself has got me through these
last months.
Brian, 44 years
‘‘
20
Exercise: Positive qualities log
List below the positive qualities that you have, or have had in the past. Include in this list, what others value
about you, your achievements, your skills, your talents. Put your list somewhere you will look at it often. Don’t
be shy about this list. It’s a great way to make you feel well emotionally. Keep adding it to it over time too.
Ask yourself: What good qualities do I have? What good qualities have I shown in the past? How might others
describe me in a positive way? What have others said about me in the past? What do others like about me?
What complements have I received in the past? Be specific with what makes you say this about yourself.
See the examples below:
My qualities What makes you say this about yourself
Good listener Clare came to me when her husband got into trouble.
Creative
Example
Decorated the kitchen with my choice of paint and it looks good.
21
Act confidently
Confidence is about how we feel about our abilities. When we don’t feel
confident about our abilities we shy away from doing new things, or even
stop doing things we used to, for fear of not getting it right. By avoiding
these things, it is hard to keep or increase confidence and we can end up in a
vicious cycle of avoiding activities and feeling more and more under-confident.
It is natural for everyone’s confidence to take

knocks. You need to make sure that you are doing
enough to keep boosting your confidence.
Confidence can make you try new things, meet new
people – if you just believe that you can do it! Or
even that you might be able to – you just need to
give it a go! We all have strengths and focusing in
upon the good stuff will build confidence. You may
very well be pleasantly surprised by the results.
See these top tips for increasing confidence and

self-esteem:
TOP TIPS
• Challenge negative thoughts!
Self-critical and negative thoughts can be questioned. Ask yourself – what is
the evidence for and against my negative thoughts? Write down the
evidence and see if you can come to a more balanced conclusion.
• Gain confidence by achieving small goals

Start with small steps and build your ability and confidence over time.
• Shift your focus

When things go wrong, remind yourself of how you have dealt with difficult
situations successfully before. Speak encouragingly to yourself. Be kind in
your words and think about what you would say to a friend if they were
struggling with their confidence or self-esteem – you deserve the same
treatment.
• Try something new!

Think of something you might enjoy doing – and do it! You don’t have to be
perfect at it, developing new interests helps to build confidence. If you don’t
ever try something new how will you know if you are any good or not? You
might even meet new people and develop new friendships. It could be
anything from singing to volunteering.
• Spend time with people who make you feel good

Surround yourself with people who make you feel good about yourself,
boost your confidence and who really bring out the best out in you.
Catching up on someone’s news, offering support, sharing activities can
improve your self-esteem. Stay clear of people who make you feel bad.
22
Balanced thinking
Negative thoughts can be difficult to spot because they become a habit.
They can flash quickly into our minds and most of us are not used to
noticing our thoughts. Learning to spot and catch these thoughts is a skill
that can be mastered with time. Have a look at the sheet below and see if you
have any of these thinking habits.
Common thinking habits Examples Alternatives
Black and white If I don’t get an ‘A’, I have An ‘A’ is outstanding, just to pass the
failed exam is an achievement
Thinking the worst My son has not called, he He might have forgotten his phone or
must have had an accident not charged it
Noticing all the bad stuff and So what, I’ve mended the I have made a start and step by step will
ignoring the positives shed, there is still so much achieve my goal
to do in the garden
Mind reading I know they do not like me I don’t know this. I cannot read minds
Taking things personally My wife is depressed, it’s all I have done my best to support her but
my fault she is depressed for lots of reasons
separate to me
Should, oughts, musts I have so much to do and I I can only do what I can do
must get it all done or I will
not be respected
I feel it’s true, so it must be true I feel that something dreadful I am feeling anxious but that does not
is going to happen, so it must mean that what I am thinking is true
be true
Predicting the future I have not got the last 3 jobs The past does not predict the future.
so I won’t get this one A lot has changed and this is a job that is
more me
23
Useful questions to ask yourself when you are
feeling bad?
• What’s the evidence?

• Is there another, more balanced way of
looking at this?
• How would a good friend view this?
• How will I think or feel about this in a year’s time?
• Am I being hard on myself?
• What’s the worst thing that could happen?
• How likely is that?
• If the worst did happen could I cope?
• Is this a familiar thought?
• If so, what happened before?
‘‘
Thinking in a
more realistic way
has helped to calm me
down. I also feel much more in
control if I step back, pause and
breathe when I am feeling
wound up.
‘‘
Anise, Aged 35 years
24
Exercise: Balanced thinking 4 step method
You can learn to think in a more balanced way by using this method. Over the
next 2 weeks write down any uncomfortable thoughts and feelings and ask
yourself the questions at the bottom of the column.
1. Stop and step back, pause and breathe

(take a few deep relaxed breaths)
2. Record your thoughts and feelings 3. Put it into perspective 4. More balanced thought
What is going through my mind? Is there another way to look Speaking kindly to yourself, ask:
How am I feeling? at this? How else could I view this?
Is this reminding me of something? How would someone else Is there a more helpful way for
What am I saying to myself? see this? me to think about this?
Is it possible that what I am What would I say to a dear
thinking isn’t entirely true? friend who was thinking this
How will I see this in 6 months? way?
Am I over reacting? What’s the worst that could
Am I thinking negatively? happen, how likely and could
I cope?
Remember your mantra.
25
Wise words
Some people find it useful to make a list of statements they can say to
themselves when they are having negative thoughts.
Here are a few examples:
• What’s the worst that could happen, how likely is it to happen and could I cope?
• One step at a time.
• I’ll be fine if I just relax.
• Given what I have been through – I am doing OK.
• In the long run, does this really matter?
• I can bear anything for a while.
• I’ve got through worse things than this – I can cope.
• If this doesn’t work it’s not the end of the world.
• I am a good person.
• I am loved.
Remember your positive qualities log as you can add these to your
statements
Exercise: Wise words

What would you like to be able to say to yourself when the going gets tough?
Write it down here so you can refer back to it.
26
SMART way, you are more likely to achieve your goals.
Make your goals:
working towards, e.g. go to mother and baby class.
Measurable – make your goal measurable – that way you know when you
have achieved it – for example: I will write my thoughts down every day for
5 minutes.
Achievable – make sure your goal is realistic. There is no point aiming to be

the Organiser of the Mother and Baby group when just getting up and out the
door with baby is a major achievement. Start with small and achievable goals.
rewarding it is much harder to keep going on a tough day.
Time-limited – set yourself a time limit by when you want to achieve your
goal. For example; will go to the mother and baby class before the end of the
month.
REMEMBER:
Good enough is
good enough
27
My STEP TWO SMART Goals
short, medium and/or long term Goals. Short term goals are generally to be worked
Accept yourself
Act confident
Balanced thinking
Wise words
28
Write your own notes here:
29
Step 3
Finding happiness
Step 3 • Meaning
Finding • Compassion
happiness • Change focus
• Relaxation and time for you
Everyone wants to feel happy and fulfilled, but

how do you go about achieving this? This
chapter looks at ways in which we can enrich our
lives, appreciate what is already there, and find
out what makes us happy and fulfilled.
30
Meaning: some people find their religion, culture or philosophy on life helps
them make decisions and understand their lives and themselves. We are all
different and some find a meaningful sense of who they are through their
religion or community, for others it is playing football or being a parent.
Recognising what gives our lives meaning can help us cope in difficult times.
Compassion: most people are able to understand the difficulties

experienced by others, and want to offer help and support. Many of us
struggle to be compassionate to ourselves. Learning to be compassionate
towards others and ourselves can be very valuable and helps us cope.
Change focus: at times of stress we often become very focussed on ourselves

and our difficulties, or even our physical symptoms. Focussing on symptoms
usually makes them feel worse, and focussing on worries can often make us
feel overwhelmed. It is important to keep perspective, and distract ourselves
sometimes, refocusing our attention elsewhere.
Relaxation and time for you: relaxation, time for ourselves and treats are
the first thing to fall off the list of things to do when we get busy and stressed.
However, relaxation or a time for meditation is an essential part of your daily
routine. Relaxation increases energy and decreases stress and pain. There are
many different exercises, including muscle relaxation, imagery, breathing
exercises and mindfulness. Planning time out of the day to day routine and
treats for yourself is essential for your wellbeing.

yes no I feel like I have no direction.
yes no I find it difficult to understand the feelings of other people.
yes no I am always on the go, and can never catch a break.
yes no I spend too much time in my head, worrying and thinking about things.
yes no I feel stressed, at my wits end.
31
Meaning
For some people, religion gives their life meaning and is central to who
they are. For others, it is being part of their cultural community, being a
parent; and for some being a dedicated football or cricket fan may be key to
who they are.
What gives your life meaning? Reflect on this, using the table below, and consider
whether you are spending enough time in the areas that give your life meaning. If
not, you may wish to set a goal to achieve a healthier balance. Paying attention to
these important areas of your life can improve your wellbeing.
How important is Time spent (0–10) How satisfied are you

this to you? (0–10) 0 = no time with the time you are
0 = not at all 10 = all the time giving this area?
important, in last 2 weeks 0 = not at all satisfied,
Describe 10 = very important 10 = very satisfied
Religion
Spirituality
Prayer
Family
Friends
Being a parent
Other social groups
Health and wellbeing
Paid work
Other work
Caring for others
Meditation
Education/training
Philosophy
Politics or a cultural/
political cause
Belonging to a
community
Specific interests/
hobbies:
Achieving goals
Other
32
Compassion
When life gets tough, we are often able to be compassionate to others, but
tend to be hard on ourselves, as if we don’t deserve support or that we are
to blame. Being critical or judgemental of ourselves can turn a tough
situation into an unbearable one, making it much harder to find a solution to
the problem in the first place.
There are 4 parts to compassion:

1. Kind advice: when you feel you are starting to strengths and vulnerabilities. Show your self-
feel upset or cross with yourself , take a deep compassion by shifting your focus and reminding
breath, pause and think about what your kindest yourself of those positive qualities you may have
friend would say to you. You might be able to identified in the earlier exercises in Step 2. We talk
remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes, and about this more in the next section.
that everyone deserves kindness and compassion
when things are hard. 4. Comfort yourself: you are best person to
know what soothes and comforts you. It is helpful
2. Balanced thinking: remind yourself that to make a list of comforting activities, images,
being critical or judgemental of yourself doesn’t smells, sensations, memories before you need them.
help you in any way. It only makes you feel bad When you are struggling emotionally, comfort
about yourself, and stops you from thinking about yourself so that negative thinking does not spiral
things in a balanced way. Try to see the whole downwards. Use the comfort box exercise below to
picture in each situation, looking for evidence and remind yourself what you find pleasant, soothing
information to help you make decisions. By being and comforting.
self-compassionate, you will feel more confident
and in control, leading to better decisions.
3. Finding the positives: self-compassion is also

about shifting your attention from the negative to
the positives, allowing yourself to value your own
Exercise: The comfort box

Write down all the things you like, that you find comforting, soothing,
pleasing. Things that make you smile, laugh, feel warm inside.
‘‘
Some people like to keep the list and look at it when they
feel bad. Others want a physical reminder of these things
I I have a box that I
so make a box of comforting things; A comfort box.
It can be an old shoe box and you can put in it all the bring out when I am
things you find comforting. For example, an old soft toy, feeling stressed. I keep adding
a poem, a favourite book, a chocolate bar, a postcard of to my box and it helps me to
a special place, photographs, a lavender bag, bubble
bath, etc, etc.
‘‘
focus on what I find soothing.
Helen,
aged 52 years
33
Change focus
When we are low or stressed we can find ourselves paying extra attention
to how we are thinking, feeling or behaving. This usually makes us feel
worse. When caught in this cycle of focussing in on our bodies and minds, it
can be helpful to think about something neutral (not good or bad) or
pleasant, to shift attention away from unhelpful thoughts and worries.
Distraction focuses the mind and keeps it busy, so there is less chance of
getting caught up in worries. Some people worry that if they don’t spend
enough time worrying then things will get worse, almost as if they need to
focus on the difficulties. Worrying will not prevent bad things from happening,
but problem solving may help. (See Step 5 for tips on problem solving.) Most
of the time we worry about things that never actually happen!
These are techniques which may help:

1. Mindfulness: mindfulness involves staying in
the present moment rather than thinking about the
future or the past. This way, you stop focusing on
stressful things. See the next section for guidance on
using mindfulness as a technique.
2. Physical exercise: keeping active can distract

you from your thoughts. You could try exercising,
which is particularly helpful as it uses up the
adrenaline that makes you feel tense. If the exercise
requires mental effort as well this is even better as
this makes the effect of the distraction even more
powerful.
3. Refocusing: by concentrating on other things

around you, you can refocus your mind and distract
yourself from troublesome thoughts. Try listening
to other people’s conversations, count the
number of red things you can see, read the
contents on a tin in the supermarket.
The more detailed the task you give
yourself, the more distracting it will
be.
34
Relaxation and time for you
Relaxation and time for yourself is an essential part of your daily routine.
Everyone deserves at least 1 portion of pleasure every day, time for you
once a week and a treat once a month. Very often people have busy lives
and feel they have no time to relax, to plan time out or give themselves treats.
However, they provide many benefits to your wellbeing.
Exercise: Pleasure, time for you and treat plan

Plan your pleasure, time out and treats for this month. Remember the rule is at least 1 portion of pleasure per
day, 1 portion of time out per week, 1 portion of treat per month.
Week / Month
Pleasure (1 portion a day) Time for you (1 portion per week) Treat (1 portion per month)
When, with whom and where When, with whom and where When, with whom and where
Monday
8pm Bath after Jemima goes
to bed
Tuesday 6.30am Get up early and Exa 8pm Cinema to see

drink coffee in the quiet mp Black Swan with
le husband
1pm Burn scented candle 4pm Meeting Carole for long
Wednesday
and do relaxation walk and Sue is having the
children
Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
Friday
Saturday
Sunday
35
Relaxation
Relaxation exercises can include imagery, muscle relaxation and breathing
exercises. Below are some tips and brief exercises which you may find useful.
• Always choose a quiet place where you will not be interrupted.

• Before you start, do a few gentle stretching exercises to relieve muscular
tension.
• Make sure you are comfortable, whether sitting or lying down.
• Allow a period of 15 minutes or more when you know you won’t be
interrupted. Being aware that someone may interrupt will prevent you from
completely relaxing.
• Push any distracting thoughts to the back of your mind; imagine them
floating away.
• Remember to breathe in using your abdomen (not your chest). This is
sometimes called stomach breathing, because the abdomen should gently
rise and fall rather than your upper chest.
• Practise regularly: by incorporating rest and relaxation in your everyday
routine will reduce stress in the long run, which will improve your mood,
increase your ability to manage difficult situations and will give you a sense
of wellbeing and feeling in control.
EXERCISE 1: PROGRESSIVE MUSCLE

RELAXATION
• Start to breath slowly and deeply, in a calm,
effortless way.
• Gently tense, then relax, each part of your body,
starting with your feet, working your way up
through your body, including arms, hands and
shoulders, all the way to your face and head.
• As you focus on each area, think of warmth,
heaviness and relaxation. Tense and release these
muscles 2–3 times, each time releasing all of the
tension.
• Don’t try to relax; simply let go of the tension in
your muscles and allow them to become relaxed.
• Take some deep breaths and open your eyes, but
Make time to stay sitting or lying for a few moments before you
Relax get up.
EXERCISE 2: IMAGERY
• Let your mind go empty.
• Visualise a calm, beautiful place like a garden or
meadow.
• Imagine walking through this place of relaxation,
noticing everything around you. Spend time
taking in your surroundings, feeling yourself
becoming more and more relaxed and paying
attention only to your surroundings.
• Stay like this for about 20 minutes.
• Take some deep breaths and open your eyes, but
stay sitting or lying for a few moments before you
get up.
36
EXERCISE 3: DIAPHRAGMATIC BREATHING
• Breathe in slowly through your nose to the count of 3 seconds.
• Breathe from your stomach, not your chest. It may help to put your hands on
your navel with fingertips touching.
• Then slowly breathe out to the count of 3 seconds, feeling fingertips parting.
• Pause for 3 seconds before breathing in again.
• Continue this exercise for 5 minutes or so. Practise twice a day for 10 minutes
(5 minutes is better than nothing).
• Try to check and slow down your breathing during the day.
EXERCISE 4: MINDFULNESS
Mindfulness techniques can either be used at regular intervals
during the day or as a coping exercise in stressful situations.
There are three steps to this mindfulness exercise:
1. While you sit comfortably, notice all of the thoughts going through your
mind. Just observe those thoughts, as if they were separate from you. Let
these thoughts float through your mind as if they were clouds, not judging
your thoughts or following a train of thought – just ‘being’.
2. Now focus your awareness and attention in onto your breathing, screening
other thoughts, feelings and experiences out of your mind. Make your
breathing regular, feeling the sensation of air coming through your nose,
and out of your mouth. Spend time focussing only on your breathing.
3. Finally, open your mind to pay attention to your body and your experience
in your body. Scan through your body from your head to your toe and focus
on how you are feeling in your body. Notice any physical discomfort. Spend
the remaining time experiencing your body as a whole and feeling more
grounded.
You can also extend this exercise to daily routines such as cleaning your
teeth or washing the dishes. For example, focus your attention on the
experience of cleaning your teeth or the texture and warmth of cleaning
dishes in hot soapy water. This is likely to distract you away from stressful
or negative thoughts, and make you feel relaxed and grounded.
‘‘
I am Katie and
have a young
daughter. I have been
practising mindfulness for over a year
and it has changed me. I used to just try
and get through the day but I have slowed
down and have learnt to be more in the
moment. My little girl won’t be little for long
so I am trying to treasure it. My other
problems are still there but It makes me
‘‘
feel happier.
Katie, 19 years
37
SMART way, you are more likely to achieve your goals and changes.
Remember: SMART GOALS are:
working towards, for example: practicing my relaxation CD twice per week in
the morning.
have achieved it – for example: twice per week for twenty minutes.
Achievable – make sure your goal is realistic! There is no point aiming to

meditate every morning. Start with achievable smaller goals and you can
always build up.
Rewarding – make your goal makes you feel good – if you don’t find it
rewarding it is much harder to keep going when you are stressed and
feeling low.
goal. Without a deadline, we can lose our motivation and forget about the
goal. It is better to start with realistic short-term goals.
REMEMBER:
You deserve some
relaxation time
38
My STEP THREE SMART Goals
short, medium and/or long term goals. Short term goals are generally to be worked
Meaning
Compassion
Change focus
Relaxation and time FOR YOURSELF
39
Step 4
Being with others
Step 4 • Get connected

Being with • Listening well
others • Be assertive
• Relationships
Being with other people can give us an

enormous sense of wellbeing, but may be
stressful and challenging at times. However,
relationships are important to help us keep
things in perspective, gain support and also
help us to feel supported and understood.
40
Get connected: When you know where you fit in, you know how to get
support. It is easy to feel lonely and isolated when things are stressful,
but taking a look around can help you feel grounded and give you a
feeling of belonging.
Listening well: Communicating is more than just the exchange of

words. By giving our full attention to another person we can feel more
connected and improve your relationships.
Being assertive: Some people fall into a trap of not asking for what they
need and then getting cross and/or sad when they don’t get it. Developing
assertiveness skills can make you feel more in control of your life.
Making relationships work: There are many positive practical steps that
can be taken to improve a relationship, investing in the relationships that
matter to you, can make them better. Planning time together, listening well,
expressing how you feel, learning to compromise and giving regular positive
feedback. You probably think it – you just have to say it or do it!

yes no I sometimes feel I don’t belong or fit in.
yes no I find it difficult communicating with others at times.
yes no I feel overwhelmed by even small problems.
yes no I’m not sure how to improve my relationship.
41
Get connected
Social relationships are important to our emotional wellbeing. There is a lot
of research showing that having close relationships can promote positive
feelings. Wellbeing is increased through connections with family and friends,
not just through money or job success and achievement. It is easy to feel lonely
and isolated when things are stressful, but taking a look around can help us feel
grounded and give you a feeling of belonging.
TOP TIPS
• Pay attention to those you care about. Make sure you give at least 5 minutes
full attention to each member of your household everyday.
• Plan times to meet up with friends and family.
• Talk to the neighbour, the shopkeeper, the man on the supermarket
checkout, the woman on the bus. Make the effort to connect to others.
• Small acts of kindness improve our own overall wellbeing and sense of self
worth. If someone needs a bit of help, offer!
• If we are having problems with someone, try and sort it out. Left unsorted,
conflict can make us feel bad.
42
Exercise: My connections
1. Make a list of people with whom you have a connection. This might include people from work, family or
from your social life. Anyone who means something to you, whose company you enjoy.
2. Think about how often you see them, and how often you would like to see them.
3. Think about how you could reach your goal in spending more quality time with this person, using this
exercise to outline a goal for increasing or investing in your connections.
Name and How often do you How often would you like How could you reach your goal?
relationship connect with them? to connect with them?
Jackie, ex work X 1 every 3 months X 1 per month Call her to arrange this week
colleague Example
43
Listening well
Communicating is more than just the exchange of words. By giving our full
attention to another person we can feel more connected. In conversation,
we often hear the words and assume that we know what is coming next so
we stop paying attention. When we are fully listening, we ask questions, and
concentrate on the answer. We do not think about ourselves.
It could be argued we listen more attentively to

people we know less well. As we become more
familiar with people and assume we know them, we
might not pay such close attention to what they say.
TOP TIPS
• When you are listening to someone, try not to interrupt. This will help you
pay closer attention to that person and what they are saying. Repeat what
they have said so they know you are listening. This will help the other person
to feel heard and valued.
• It may help to think of yourself as a journalist doing an interview. Your job is

to ask questions and explore what is being talked about. Consider “open”
questions such as who, what, where, how and why questions? This gives the
other person the opportunity to expand on their answers and avoids a
closed yes or no.
• Don’t be afraid of silence or feel you have to fill it.
• Words only form about 7% of any interaction. Eye contact, body language,
tone of voice and facial expression usually communicates a lot of
information. Looking away when someone is talking, folded arms and
sitting back are all communications – next time you are communicating
consider not what you are saying but how.
‘‘
I have tried these
assertiveness exercises
with my Boss. I was being
made to take on more and more
responsibility without a pay rise so I stood
up for myself. It was very frightening but I
took deep breaths and stuck to my point.
Amazingly, it worked and he has agreed to
what I wanted. I have been too soft for
too long. ‘‘
Manisha, Aged 63 years,
Shop Assistant
44
Be assertive
Assertiveness can be the key to taking control of a situation, and achieving
what you want and need. Some people fall into a trap of not asking for
what they need and then getting cross when they don’t get it. Developing
assertiveness skills will make you feel more in control and ready to ask for
what you want and need.
In relationships our behaviour and communication There are 3 stages to assertiveness:

can fall into one of three types – do you recognise
yourself in the following descriptions?
Stage 1. LISTEN to what is being said and then
show the other person that you understand them,
Are you passive? even if you don’t agree with them. By listening you
are respecting their right to express their thoughts
This is when people easily give in to others, tending
and feelings, and letting them know that they
not to take any control in a situation. By being
matter.
passive we are saying to other people that we are
not as important as they are. We let the other
person’s needs and rights take priority over our
Stage 2. Say what you THINK and what you
own. Passive behaviour can lead to people feeling
FEEL. This enables you to directly state your
thoughts or feelings without apology. Repeat what
like (or sometimes becoming) a victim.
you think and feel by using ‘I’ statements. Avoid
sentences that start with ‘you’ as this often leads to
the other person becoming defensive.
Are you aggressive?
An aggressive person attempts to overpower the Stage 3. Say what you want to happen. This is very
other person by not allowing him/her a choice, important so that you say in a clear and
often behaving in an unpleasant way. Aggressive straightforward way what action or outcome you
behaviour communicates an impression of want without hesitancy, apology or aggression.
‘superiority’. It is saying that my needs, wants and
rights are more important than yours. Aggression
often arises when the person feels threatened and Often it is necessary to repeat the stages until you
afraid and needs to defend themselves. are heard. This is particularly true if you have been
known to be passive before. Becoming like a
BROKEN RECORD, can be really useful. Just keep
Are you assertive? repeating what you think, feel and want whilst
keeping calm and respectful.
This is the ideal approach. Assertive people
communicate respect for themselves as well as other
people. Assertiveness says that my wants, needs and
rights are just as important as yours. Assertive
behaviour requires good listening and negotiating
skills, so that the other person feels that their point
of view is being heard and respected, even if you
don’t agree with it. This should lead to open, honest
relationships.
People can often switch between these three types

of communication, depending on the situation.
When emotions are running high many people find
it easy to slip into communicating aggressively or
passively.
45
Exercise: Speaking assertively
Make a note over the coming week of when you have spoken in an aggressive,
passive or assertive way.
Day/time Occasion Passive Aggressive Assertive Outcome
Tuesday, On bus from work. Didn’t have the 3 Angry and upset.
4pm right change and the driver was Bought something
really rude to me. I felt stupid and didn’t need. Late home.
upset. Got off bus and had to go and
buy something to get right change.
Example
Had to wait for next bus.
46
When we are passive, we have a tendency to say Yes to too much
and then feel stressed. Expressing our feelings promotes a sense of wellbeing
and freedom from tension. It helps us to recover from hurtful experiences, and
also helps other people to understand what is going on inside us.
TOP TIPS TO SAYING NO

Remind yourself every now and then that:
• You have the right to say no, without feeling

guilty.
• It is OK for the other person to say no to you.
• It’s better to say No at the time than to let

somebody down later.
• Saying Yes to extra work or obligations causes you

stress.
• It might not be such a big deal for the other

person to get a No response.
• Being respected and respecting yourself is more

important than being liked.
• Every Yes to something is a No to something else.
• Practise saying NO in the mirror or in a less

My
‘‘
important situation.
partner was
Learn
• Be firm but fair, and polite.
Learning to say NO has been
• Buy yourself time if you can’t bring yourself to say
No. Say you will get back to them and make sure
really useful for me.
‘‘
you do when you are more prepared.
Elka, student, 28
47
Relationships
We are social beings who can thrive in relationships. However, people and
relationships change and develop over time. It is, therefore, important to
keep working on relationships to make sure that they continue to be
healthy. It is also important to know when to walk away from a relationship
that is not working and is hurting you. In a healthy relationship we feel we belong
and feel good about ourselves.
Here are some suggestions and tips to encourage

relationships to thrive so that both you and your
loved ones feel good.
TIPS FOR IMPROVING YOUR RELATIONSHIP

• Plan ahead: make special time to be with your loved ones, family, friends
and others. Use the pleasure, time out and treat planner to create some
times when you will get together with the special people in your life.
• Demonstrate how you feel: a hug can boost the immune system and can
communicate your affection towards a loved one. Some find it difficult to
express affection in this way, however a brief touch on the shoulder or arm
can give the same message. Even a smile can help to restore good feeling in
your relationship.
• Be yourself: the healthiest of relationships are those where the individuals in

the relationship remain individuals. It is common for people to develop
shared friends and interests but it is important to keep some separate time
and activities too.
• Compromise: being around other people means that having to compromise

is inevitable. Compromising can be empowering! By deciding to find a
solution that is acceptable to everyone means that there is a clear way
forward which was achieved with respect and through partnership.
• Be nice! In the majority of cases, we are in relationships with our loved ones
because there are things we like about them, and there are things they like
about us. However, people often get into patterns of complaining and
forgetting to compliment each other.
• Be brave! It can be tricky talking to a loved one about a difficult topic. Be

assertive about your own needs and communicate clearly in a respectful way.
• Listen: listening to the other person, without interruption and with your full
attention can really help.
48
SMART way, you are more likely to achieve your goals and changes.
This is what SMART stands for:
working towards, for example: visit Madge in the care home.
have achieved it – for example: once per week for half an hour.
Achievable – make sure your goal is realistic. Ask yourself whether you can
fit it in. If there is a good chance that you can achieve it, then set the goal.
rewarding it is much harder to keep going on a tough day. For example, you
may want to give yourself a treat on the way home from visiting.
goal. Sometimes with no deadline, we end up losing motivation and
momentum. It is better to start with realistic short-term goals.
REMEMBER:
relationships need
to be worked at
49
My STEP FOUR SMART Goals
short, medium and/or long term goals. Short term goals are generally to be worked
Get connected
Listening well
Be assertive
Making relationships work
50
51
Step 5
Managing difficult days
Step 5 • Notice your early warning signs

Managing • Solving problems
difficult days • Managing your difficult feelings
• My difficult day plan
This is about those inevitable days, (sometimes

weeks and months) when life feels hard, or bleak
and things are not going very well. This chapter
is designed to enable you to understand and
help yourself when those days do occur.
52
Notice your early warning signs: we all have things that we do or ways
of thinking that are signs of a bad mood or a bad day. For some this is
becoming snappy, or sleeping too much or maybe withdrawing from other
people. Often these behaviours are not helpful, and by identifying your own
early warning signs, you can put your energy into turning it around and
thinking about what might help.
Solving problems: both big and small problems occur in everyday life, and
sometimes these problems cloud our ability to make even the easiest decisions.
Some problems can be overwhelming and become stressful. However, there
are four stages of problem solving which you can use for any problems:
(1) Define the problem (2) Look for solutions (3) Act! (4) Review: did it work?
Managing your difficult feelings: there are always things that help and
don’t help when life feels a bit tough. Avoid negative thinking and getting
into difficult conversations, and try to remind yourself of your own positive
qualities and aspects of your life that make you feel proud, in control. Perhaps
you have been there before and know how to get through it, or perhaps you
have been through harder times and have shown yourself to have strength
and inner resilience that you can call upon now. Always remember that every
bad day ends, and it’s perfectly normal to have a tough day.
My difficult day plan: it is not always easy to put together a plan of

what to do to help yourself if that difficult day becomes overwhelming.
However, mapping out what might make you feel vulnerable and how
you would like to respond to them, in advance may make you feel more
in control. A five step plan including who to call and how to ask for
help could make that grey day into a blip that you know is normal, a
blip that you can cope with.

yes no Sometimes I feel snappy, irritable and feel out of control.
yes no I am unsure of how to make myself feel better when things are difficult.
yes no I can’t tell when I am going to have a low day – it seems to come out of the blue.
yes no I am sometimes worried about what I would do if things got on top of me – where to go
for help.
53
Notice your early warning signs
It is good to know your own emotional wellbeing early warning signs
so that you know when to take action to get a healthy balance back in
your life.
Exercise: Early warning signs

Which of the following do you recognise as your own early warning signs?
Tick all those that apply
Sleeping much more, staying in bed most of the day and not wanting to get up and face people – or
not being able to sleep or waking very early
Not taking care of your appearance in the way you usually do
Withdrawing from friends and family
Taking time off from work or college
Snappy or angry with others
Over eating or/under eating
Drinking excessive amounts of alcohol
Self harming behaviours which could take many forms
As well as cutting or burning, some individuals might start taking unnecessary risks with
relationships’, driving too fast and gambling. Others may throw themselves into work and neglect
their home or family life
Having thoughts and feeling of worthlessness and questioning things normally taken for granted
Easily upset over minor issues
Avoiding exercise or exercising too much
Making more mistakes than usual
Add yours here!
54
Remember: Recognising that things are
feeling overwhelming does not mean you are
failing, In fact , it means the opposite – by
recognising the signs, you are taking
control of yourself and your life.
‘‘
I tend to feel
tearful when things
are getting out of
control. I know that I need to
rest and will go to bed early for a
few nights. If that doesn’t help, I
will call a friend. Going running
‘‘
really helps to lift me too.
Joe, aged 19 years,
Student
55
Solving problems
Problems, big and small occur throughout our daily lives. Most of them can
be easily solved and we usually resolve them automatically without being
really aware that there was a problem. At other times, problems can feel
overwhelming, affecting our mood, relationships and other aspects of life.
This is where using a solving problems plan can be helpful.
It is easy to avoid dealing with problems, but often In effective problem solving or decision making it is
putting it off only makes it harder to deal with. It is also important to consider the following factors:
much better to deal with problems as and when
they occur. Before they become too big to tackle. Behaviour. How do you normally behave? Don’t
assume that because you have always done things in
a certain way that you cannot try something
There are 4 stages of problem solving:
different.
1. Define the problem
• What is the problem?
Thoughts and attitudes. Do you have any
negative or destructive attitudes, either towards the
• When is it a problem?
people concerned or towards yourself or the
• Where is it a problem?
problem itself?
• Why is it a problem?
• With whom is it a problem?
• How often is it a problem?
Feelings. Even though you may be feeling
physically or emotionally uncomfortable it does not
• What is the result of the problem?
mean life has to go on hold or that you cannot solve
the problem. Use your deep breathing exercises and
2. Look for solutions
relaxation techniques and don’t forget to
• Consider all possible solutions and list.
congratulate yourself once you have achieved a
• Decide on 3 solutions and order in preference,
solution.
1, 2 or 3.
• Ask yourself what would someone else do if they
Remember to give your yourself a portion of
were you?
pleasure, time for yourself or treat for trying a
• What would you advise a friend to do if it was
Solution. See page 35.
happening to them?
• List the pros and cons of the solutions.
• Choose a solution.
3. Act now
• Put the solution into practice.
• If you do not try, you will never know if you could
be successful.
4. Review: did it work?

• How successful were you? Don’t look for 100%
Remember:
perfection as that may not be achievable.
• If it did not work, go to next Solution.
If you do have a busy
life, you can feel more
in control of how you
Tackle the spend your time by
high priority jobs prioritising the jobs and
first, and if a job problems that need to Try placing all
does not have to the problems on
be tackled your list into four
be done today,
leave it for categories:
another time 1. Absolutely essential
2. Better done today
3. Can wait
4. Delegate
56
Exercise: Solving problems plan
Think about a problem that has been on your mind for a while but you have delayed tackling. It can be
anything which is worrying you. Now with this problem in mind have a look at the following problem solving
exercise and fill it in. Refer to the four stages of problem solving for help.
2. Think of solutions – think of 3–5 alternatives
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
3. Evaluate the solutions – think of the consequences of each solution
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
4. Select the best solution – select the best one and the one you can start working with
5. Plan – think carefully how you can put the solution into action. Jot down a few ideas
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6. Implementation – put your plan into action!
7. Review – check the plan is OK and continue the plan until completion
8. Reward yourself – remember to reward yourself even if it is only to recognise that you have achieved
something worthwhile
57
Managing your difficult feelings
Here are some ideas on how to think and act differently when you get
depressed, anxious or angry.
Feelings and What’s Think differently. Pause, Act differently. What will
thoughts. happening in breath and think be the most effective
What emotion your body. differently. What am I action? What will be best
am I feeling? What do I notice reacting to? Where is my for you and others in the
What am I in my body? focus of attention? How long term? Do what
thinking? Where am I could I see things works? Is my action in
feeling it? differently? What would I keeping with my
say to someone else? Is my emotional wellbeing?
reaction in proportion? What have I done in the
What have I thought in the past that has helped?
past that has helped?
Depressed I am useless. Tired, slowed up, It’s OK to feel sad. I can Get up, get out and get on
There is no point. lethargic, heavy, cope. Am I thinking in a despite how you feel.
Life is too hard. aches and pains. balanced way? Am I Don’t wait to feel brighter.
I have failed. putting too much pressure Connect with others. Shift
I want to hide on myself to be perfect? your focus outside. Do
myself away. Speak kindly to yourself. something pleasurable. Set
You are doing your best. small goals. Do something
Set yourself some goals. that will give you a sense
Is there a more helpful of achievement. Speak
way to think about this? kindly to yourself. Comfort
yourself.
Anxious I am terrified. Life Heart racing, hot, Am I thinking that the Avoidance harms you in
feels dangerous. sweaty, shaking, worst thing is bound to the long term. Go anyway
I can’t cope. pins and needles, happen? Am I and feel the fear. Anxiety
I want to avoid blurred vision, exaggerating the threat? cannot harm you. Stick it
things. headaches, What do I know about my out. Take it slowly. Focus
Worrying ready for a fight. own ability to cope? I externally rather than on
thoughts. have got through panic what’s happening inside
before unharmed. you. Set small goals. Speak
kindly to yourself. Comfort
yourself.
Angry It’s not fair. Heart racing, hot, Might I be over-reacting? Take deep breaths. What
I won’t put up sweaty, shaking, Do I need some time out would be best for you and
with it. pins and needles, to think this through? Am others long term? Walk
I will not be blurred vision, I misreading the situation? away. Be assertive not
controlled. headaches, ready Think before I say or do aggressive or passive.
I want to attack. for a fight. anything. Count to 10. Problem solve when
Walk away if still not sure. calmer.
58
My difficult day plan
Most people have experienced situations or periods of life where things
feel difficult and stressful. This is a relatively normal part of life, as we often
cannot control what happens around us. This can sometimes leave us feeling
worried, panicky, and low.
We can, however, plan ahead for these ‘difficult

days’ and think about what we can do to enable us
to cope well when these things happen. We may
not be able to control difficult situations which arise
without warning, however we can control at least
to some degree, how we respond to them.
TOP TIPS WHEN DIFFICULTIES ARISE

• Remember that most difficulties and challenging situations are temporary.
• Remember that through this manual of emotional wellbeing you have learnt
ways of coping, and have resources that can help you to figure out what is
going to help.
• Don’t assume the difficulty will automatically spread to similar situations,

very often situations which challenge us are ‘one offs’, although at times it
feels overwhelming.
• Practise coping strategies in a non-stressful situation in advance. Relaxation

and distraction are skills and need to be developed like learning to drive or
learning to ride a bicycle.
• Consider whether you need to set goals to overcome your difficulties. Below
are some helpful hints about how to develop goals:
• Your goal must be important to you.
• Make your goal small enough to be achievable but still a challenge.
• Your goal needs to be concrete and specific. Break your goal down and
be as specific as possible. For example, “I aim to go out with my friends at
least once a week and to telephone a friend twice a week.”
• Involve the presence, not the absence of something. State what you will
do instead of what you won’t do. For example “I will set 15 mins aside
everyday to do relaxation exercises,” rather than, “I will not think
negatively anymore.” A beginning rather than an end.
• Try to include goals of varying difficulties, and start with just a couple of
Remember: the easiest to build up confidence. Then as your confidence increases,
gradually increasing the difficulty level of your goals.
You have coped
before and can
cope now
59
Exercise: My difficult day plan
Put together your own ‘difficult day’ plan, so that you are more able to cope when things get tough. Use
information from the activities and exercises in the manual to help you write your plan.
1. What are my triggers? What is likely to make me struggle emotionally?
2. What are my early warning signs?
3. What can I do to make myself feel more in control of the situation?

(you may want to refer to problem solving section, and goal setting, earlier in this section)
4. What have I done before that has helped me?
5. How will I know that things have improved?

(you may want to refer to early warning signs, problem solving section, and goal setting)
6. How can I meaningfully recognise and reward myself when I have managed a difficult situation or period
of my life?
7. Where can I turn for support?
If you feel that

someone is at risk
8. Knowing when to ask for help: of seriously hurting
Sometimes difficult days can turn into difficult weeks and months, and can start to themselves,
have a bigger impact on your life. One in four people suffer from a mental health
including yourself,
problem, and often this is brought on by high levels of stress in their lives.
call 999.
You may be experiencing mental health difficulties if:
• Your worry, low mood or stress interferes with your home, family or work life.
• You are feeling increasingly overwhelmed and you don’t know how to cope anymore.
• You are behaving in ways that you wouldn’t normally.
• You are thinking of hurting yourself in some way.
• Your worry, low mood or stress brings you to the point of thinking of thinking life isn’t worth living.
If any of these apply to you, or someone you know, it is important to talk to your GP as soon as possible.
60
Other helpful resources
ANXIETY AND WORRY STRESS AND EMOTIONAL WELL BEING

Butler, G. (2009) Overcoming Social Anxiety and Understanding Stress by Professor Greg Wilkinson.
Shyness. Robinson: London Family Doctor Series in association with
BMA, available from Lloyds Chemists, Boots and
Jeffers, S. (2007) Feel the Fear and do it Anyway. Tesco stores
Vermillion: London
Burns, D. (2000) Feeling Good: The New Mood
Kennerly, H. (2009) Overcoming Anxiety. Robinson: Therapy. Avon Books: New York
London
Butler, G. & T. Hope (2007) Manage Your Mind: The
Meares, K. & Freeston, M. (2008) Overcoming Worry. Mental Fitness Guide. Oxford University Press:
Robinson: London Oxford
Silcove, D. (2009) Overcoming Panic and Davis, M. & Robbins-Eshelman, E. (2008) The
Agoraphobia. Robinson: London Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook. New
Harbinger Publications: California
Willson, D. & Veale, D. (2009) Overcoming Health
Anxiety. Robinson: London Davies, W. (2009) Overcoming anger and irritability.
Robinson: London
LOW MOOD AND DEPRESSION
Understanding Depression by Dr Kwame McKenzie. Fennell, M. (2009) Overcoming Low Self-Esteem.
Family Doctor Series in association with Robinson: London
BMA, available from Lloyds Chemists, Boots and
Tesco stores Lindenfield, G. (1992) How to assert yourself.
Thorsons: London
Gilbert, P. (2009) Overcoming Depression. Robinson:
London Rees, S., Graham, R. & Kowalski, R. (1991) Assertion
Training: How to be who you really are. Routledge:
Nicholson, P. (2001) Postnatal Depression: Facing the London
Paradox of Loss, Happiness and Motherhood. Wiley:
Chichester Willson, R., Veale, D. & Clarke, A. (2009) Overcoming
Body Image Problems including Body Dysmorphic
Scott, J. (2010) Overcoming Mood Swings. Robinson: Disorder. Robinson: London
London
RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHERS
Padesky, C. & Greenberger, D. (1995) Mind Over Crowe, M. (2005) Overcoming relationship
Mood. Guildford Press: London problems. Robinson: London
Williams, M., Teasdale, M., Segal, Z. & Kabat-Zinn, J. Mariott, H. (2003) The Selfish Pig’s Guide to Caring.
(2007) The Mindful Way Through Depression: Polperro Heritage Press: Worcestershire
freeing yourself from chronic unhappiness (with
accompanying Meditation CD). Guildford Press:
London
61
Helpful contacts Relate
Confidential counselling service for couples experiencing
relationship problems
Gloucestershire & Herefordshire National booking line: 0300 100 1234
Tel: 01242 523215
Section 1: Health Website: www.relate.org.uk
Let’s Talk, 2gether NHS Foundation Trust Samaritans

Improving Access to Psychological Therapies provides Tel: 01452 306333 / 01242 515777 (Gloucester)
talking therapies for Anxiety, Stress and Depression 01432 269 000 (Hereford)
Open: Mon to Fri: 9am to 5pm 116 123 (National)
Tel: 0800 073 2200 Website: www.samaritans.org
Email: 2gnft.Talk2gether@nhs.net
Website: www.talk2gether.nhs.uk Share
Young peoples counselling service
Community Health Trainers, Gloucestershire Open: Thursday evenings, 6pm to 9pm
Community Health Trainers offer support, information Tel: 07928 775015
and guidance to people who want to make changes to Email: shareypcs@yahoo.com
their lifestyle whatever their faith or culture
Email: info@independencetrust.co.uk ISIS Women’s Centre
Website: www.independencetrust.co.uk Offers support, guidance and practical help in
Telephone: 0345 8638323 Gloucestershire to women offenders and those who are
at risk of offending
Gloucester Health Access Centre Open: Mon to Fri: 9am to 5pm (24 hr answerphone)
For walk-in & registered patients and those who are not Tel: 01452 397690
registered with a GP in the county Website: www.isiswomenscentre.com
Eastgate House, 121-131 Eastgate Street, Gloucester Email: info@isiswomenscentre.com
GL1 1PX
Tel: 01452 336290 Gloucestershire Domestic Abuse Support Service
Open: 8.00am to 8.00pm Free and confidential service to help men and women
(including Sundays & Bank Holidays) affected by domestic abuse throughout Gloucestershire
Website: www.asapglos.nhs.uk Open: Helpline manned Mon to Fri: 10am to 4pm
Tel: 111 (24 hours a day, 7 days a week) In emergency dial 999
Website: www.nhs.uk/symptom-checker Tel: 0845 602 9035 (Confidential Helpline)
Website: www.gdass.org.uk
Herefordshire GP Access Centre Email: gdass.admin@gdass.org.uk
For walk-in & registered patients and those who are not
registered with a GP in the county Cruse Bereavement Care
Asda Building, Belmont Road, Hereford, HR2 7JE Promotes the well-being of bereaved people and enables
Tel: 0330 123 9309 (out of hours GP number) anyone bereaved by death to understand their grief and
8am - 8pm, 7 days a week & every day of the year. cope with their loss
Website: www.herefordshiregpaccesscentre.nhs.uk Tel: 01432 359469
0844 477 9400 (National Helpline)
Website: www.cruse.org.uk
Herefordshire
Tel: 01432 359 469
Section 2: Counselling & support Email: herefordshire@cruse.org.uk
Gloucestershire
Gloucestershire Counselling Service Tel: 01242 252518
Tel: 01453 766310 Email: gloucestershire@cruse.org.uk
Website: www.gloscounselling.org.uk
Herefordshire Rape & Sexual Abuse Support Centre
Listening Post Counselling A free and confidential service supporting women
Open: Mon: 9.30am to 4.30pm & some evenings survivors of rape and sexual abuse
Tel: 01452 383820 Tel: 01432 344777
Email: lpostcounselling@listeningpost.org.uk Website: www.hrsasc.org.uk
Email: isva@hrsasc.org.uk
62
West Mercia Women’s Aid Section 3: Cultural support and
Offering support for woman and children affected by
domestic abuse services
Tel: 0800 783 1359 (24 hour support line) Churches in Hereford Diocese Action Team (CHAT)
01432 356146 (general enquiries) In Hereford the Churches in Hereford Diocese Action
Email: info@westmerciawomensaid.org Team (CHAT) is working all year to ensure that there is
Men’s Advice Line hot food available seven days a week from one of the
Advice and support for men in abusive relationships churches in the City
Tel: 0808 801 0327 Tel: 01432 373300
Email: diooffice@hereford.anglican.org
Marches Counselling Service Website: www.hereford.anglican.org
Registered charity
Tel: 01432 279906 All Nations Community Centre
Website: www.marchescounselling.org African Caribbean Community
Email: marches.counselling@gmail.com 61-63 Chase Lane, Eastern Avenue, Gloucester, GL4 6PH.
Tel: 01452 414254
Herefordshire Mind Recovery & Wellbeing Service
Community based services available to Herefordshire who GARAS
have experience of mental distress Gloucestershire action for refugees and asylum seekers
Tel: 01432 271643 or 278569 111 Barton Street, Gloucester GL1 4HR
Email: info@herefordshire-mind.org.uk Tel: 01452 550528
Email: info@garas.org.uk
Marriage Care
Supporting marriage, relationships and family life Gloucestershire African Caribbean Association
Tel: 0800 389 3801 213 Barton Street Gloucester GL1 4HY
Website: www.marriagecare.org.uk Mrs Pauline Reynolds – Manager
Tel: 01452 387754 (Mon to Fri: 9.00am to 5.00pm)
CLD Youth Counselling Trust Email: glosaca_1@hotmail.com
Young people’s counselling service
Tel: 01432 269245 Gloucestershire Chinese Women’s Guild
Website: www.thecldtrust.org Voluntary Agencies Unit
1st Floor 75-81 Eastgate Street Gloucester GL1 1PN
West Mercia Constabulary non-emergency line Mrs Mew Ning Chan-Edmead – Chairperson
For non-emergency and general enquiries. Tel: 01452 332088 or 01452 382886
Open 24 hours a day Email: mewningchan@gcwg.org.uk
Tel: 101
Website: www.westmercia.police.uk Gymnation
Registered charity providing health and fitness facilities
FDS (Family Drug Support) and other activities for people of all nationalities in
Offering support to families, friends and carers who are Gloucester – its ethos is to try to encourage healthy
affected by a family member’s substance misuse lifestyles for its members, helping them to gain
Tel: 01981 251155 confidence and increase their physical and mental
Email: support@familydrugsupport.com wellbeing
Website: www.familydrugsupport.com Tel: 01452 525044 (Mon to Fri: 9am to 11.45am;
weekend mornings 9am to 12pm; Mon to Fri
The Haven 4.30pm to 9pm)
Breast Cancer Support Centre Email: imran@_thefriendshipcafe.com
Tel: 01432 361061
Email: herefordreception@thehaven.org.uk Gloucestershire Polish Community Portal
Website: http://www.thehaven.org.uk Tel: 01242 231811
Email: gpc@inbox.com
Herefordshire Carers Support Website: www.poloniagloucester.co.uk
Providing practical support and advice to the carer
community in the county The Friendship Cafe
Tel: 01432 356068 Interfaith charity which arranges a number of wellbeing
Email: help@herefordshirecarerssupport.org activities in the Barton & Tredworth Area of Gloucester
Website: www.herefordshirecarerssupport.org 109-113 Barton Street Gloucester GL1 4HR
Tel: 01452 308127
Email: imran@thefriendshipcafe.com
63
Traveller Service Welfare Benefits Herefordshire Council
Principal Traveller Services Officer – Paul Kenyon, Welfare and Financial Assessment Team
Gloucestershire County Council St Nicholas House Hereford HR4 0DD
Tel: 01452 426397 Tel: 01432 383444
Jo Rogers - Herefordshire Council’s Traveller Email: welfarerights@herefordshire.gov.uk
Liaison Officer
Tel: 01432 261759 Pension Service
Email: info@herefordshire.gov.uk Tel: 0800 731 7898 (8am to 6pm, Mon to Fri)
Website: www.thepensionservice.gov.uk
Marches Counselling Service (with online enquiry form)
(registered charity)
Tel: 01432 279906 ABLE Information and Advice
Mob: 07527579488 provides support for individuals with an illness or
Email: www.marchescounselling.org disability with accessing benefits, leisure and
employment
MIRA - Herefordshire Council Tel: 01432 277770 9:00am - 5:00pm Mon to Fri
The Migration and Integration in Rural Areas Project. Website: www.ablehereford.com
Offering support, guidance and signposting to
newcomers to the county Department for Work and Pensions
Tel: 01432 260633 Disability Living Allowance/Personal Independence
Email: diversity@herefordshire.gov.uk Payment
Tel: 0800 917 2222
Herefordshire Language Network Attendance Allowance
Translation and interpretation service Tel: 0345 605 6055
Herefordshire Council Website: www.dwp.gov.uk
Tel: 01432 260216
Email: diversity@herefordshire.gov.uk
Section 5: Other useful

Section 4: Benefits
organisations
Benefits & Welfare Take up
Gloucester City Council Herbert Warehouse Age UK Gloucestershire
Gloucester GL1 2EQ Tel: 01452 422660
Tel: 01452 396979 Website: www.ageuk.org.uk
Open: 8.45am to 5pm
Cheltenham Borough Council
Email: benefits@gloucester.gov.uk
Tel: 01242 262626
Disability Living Allowance (DLA) & Email: enquiries@cheltenham.gov.uk
Attendance Allowance (AA) Unit
Citizens Advice Bureau
Disability Living Allowance
General and specialist advice service
(if born on or before 08/04/1948): 0345 6056055
Tel: 03444 111 444
Disability Living Allowance
Website: www.citizensadvice.org.uk
(if born after 08/04/1948): 0345 712 3456
Attendance Allowance: 0345 6056055 Gay-Glos
Jobcentre Plus Tel: 01452 306800
All new claims: 0800 055 6688 Email: help@gay-glos.org
Queries about existing claims: For queries about Website: www.gay-glos.org
existing claims, please visit www.gov.uk/contact- Gloucester Citizens Advice Bureau
jobcentre-plus to find the relevant number. General and specialist advice service
Budgeting Loans: 0345 603 6967 Tel: 01452 527202
Jobcentre Plus: 0345 606 0234
Please see index for local branch phone numbers Gloucestershire County Council
Website: www.jobcentreplus.gov.uk Tel: 01452 425000
Email: customerservices@gloucestershire.gov.uk
Housing and Council Tax Benefits
Herefordshire Council Benefits PO Box 224 Gloucester City Council
Hereford HR1 2XW Tel: 01452 396396
Tel: 01432 260333 Email: heretohelp@gloucester.gov.uk
Email: benefits@herefordshire.gov.uk
64
The Terence Higgins Trust
Terence Higgins Trust is the leading and largest HIV and
sexual health charity in the UK
Tel: 0808 802 1221
Email: info@tht.org.uk
Age UK Gloucestershire
Tel General Enquiries: 01452 422660
Website: www.ageuk.org.uk
Age UK Herefordshire & Worcestershire

40 Saint Martin’s Street Hereford HR2 7SG
Tel: 01432 351 774 (Local office)
0800 008 6077 (General Enquiries)
Email: office@ageukhw.org.uk
Herefordshire Council
Brockington 35 Hafod Road Hereford HR1 1SH
Tel: (01432) 260000
Email: info@herefordshire.gov.uk
Opening Hours 8:30am-5:15pm Mon to Thurs
8:30am-4:45pm Fri
Section 6: Housing
Gloucester City Homes
Tel: 01452 424344 Customer Services
Email: customer.services@gch.co.uk
Two Rivers Housing

Tel: 0800 316 0897
Email: customerservices@2rh.org.uk
Shelter
Housing advice centre
Tel: 0808 800 444
Website: www.shelter.org.uk
Herefordshire Housing
Herefordshire Housing is a not-for-profit Registered
Provider, which provides affordable homes throughout
Herefordshire
Tel: 0300 777 4321
Website: www.hhl.org.uk
Home Point
Affordable Housing in Hereford
Tel: 01432 260300
Email: info@home-point.info
For contact details of the other district councils

please visit these County Council websites:
www.gloucestershire.gov.uk or
www.herefordshire.gov.uk
For details of all other organisations please go to:

www.guide-information.org.uk
65
Exercise: Get active plan
For 1 week (at least) write briefly in each box:
What you did (brief description)
One word that describes your Mood, and rate the intensity of your mood on a scale of 0 – 100%
Rate your sense of Achievement for the activity on a scale of 0–10 (A = 0–10)
Rate your sense of Closeness to others (C = 0–10)
Rate your sense of Pleasure (P = 0–10)
Time Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday

Coffee in bed School run (got
6–8am Happy = 60% there on time!)
P=8
A=0
C=8
Example Example
Irritable = 80%
P=3
A=9
C=5
6–8am
8–10am
10–12am
12–2pm
2–4pm
4–6pm
6–8pm
8–10pm
10–12pm
After a week of completing the diary, you might notice patterns in your mood and how particular activities
affect your mood. The aim is to increase the Pleasure, Achievement and Closeness in your everyday life.
Use the next sheet to make a plan for a more balanced life.
66
Closeness, achievement, pleasure log
Our mood is greatly affected by what we do, when, and with whom.
For at least a week write down what you do each day which gives you a sense
of Closeness to others, sense of Achievement, and Pleasure on a scale of
0 (none) – 10 (maximum), or just tick the relevant column.
Monday Walking the dog Example 3 7 8
Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
Friday
Saturday
Sunday
Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
Friday
Saturday
Sunday
After a week of tracking your closeness, achievement and pleasure you might see some patterns. Are you low
on one of the areas? If so, plan how next week you can make some changes. If walking the dog gives you
pleasure, then do it some more. If you are not having much closeness, you need to get on the phone or maybe
just slow down and notice the people around you. Setting yourself small tasks and doing them can increase
your sense of achievement and wellbeing rapidly.
67
Exercise: Positive qualities log
List below the positive qualities that you have, or have had in the past. Include in this list,
what others value about you, your achievements, your skills, your talents. Put your list
somewhere you will look at it often. Don’t be shy about this list. It’s a great way to make
you feel well emotionally. Keep adding it to it over time too.
Ask yourself: What good qualities do I have? What good qualities have I shown in the past? How
might others describe me in a positive way? What have others said about me in the past? What do others like
about me? What complements have I received in the past? Be specific with what makes you say this about
yourself. See the examples below:
My qualities What makes you say this about yourself
Good listener Clare came to me when her husband got into trouble.
Creative
Example
Decorated the kitchen with my choice of paint and it looks good.
68
Exercise: Balanced thinking 4 step method
You can learn to think in a more balanced way by using this
method. Over the next 2 weeks write down any uncomfortable
thoughts and feelings and ask yourself the questions at the
bottom of the column.
1. Stop and step back, pause and breathe

(take a few deep relaxed breaths)
2. Record your thoughts and feelings 3. Put it into perspective 4. More balanced thought
What is going through my mind? Is there another way to look Speaking kindly to yourself, ask:
How am I feeling? at this? How else could I view this?
Is this reminding me of something? How would someone else Is there a more helpful way for
What am I saying to myself? see this? me to think about this?
Is it possible that what I am What would I say to a dear
thinking isn’t entirely true? friend who was thinking this
How will I see this in 6 months? way?
Am I over reacting? What’s the worst that could
Am I thinking negatively? happen, how likely and could
I cope?
Remember your mantra.
69
Wise words
Some people find it useful to make a list of statements they can say to
themselves when they are having negative thoughts.
Here are a few examples:
• What’s the worst that could happen, how likely is it to happen and could I cope?
• One step at a time.
• I’ll be fine if I just relax.
• Given what I have been through-I am doing OK.
• In the long run, does this really matter?
• I can bear anything for a while.
• I’ve got through worse things than this – I can cope.
• If this doesn’t work it’s not the end of the world.
• I am a good person.
• I am loved.
Remember your positive qualities log as you can add these to your
statements
Exercise: Wise words

What would you like to be able to say to yourself when the going gets tough?
Write it down here so you can refer back to it.
70
Meaning
What gives your life meaning? Reflect on this, using the table below, and consider
whether you are spending enough time in the areas that give your life meaning. If not,
you may wish to set a goal to achieve a healthier balance. Paying attention to these
important areas of your life can improve your wellbeing.
How important is Time spent (0–10) How satisfied are you

this to you? (0–10) 0 = no time, with the time you are
0 = not at all 10 = All the time giving this area?
important, in last 2 weeks 0 = not at all satisfied,
Describe 10 = very important 10 = very satisfied
Religion
Spirituality
Prayer
Family
Friends
Being a parent
Other social groups
Health and wellbeing
Paid work
Other work
Caring for others
Meditation
Education/training
Philosophy
Politics or a cultural/
political cause
Belonging to a
community
Specific interests/
hobbies:
Achieving goals
Other
71
Exercise: Pleasure, time out and treat plan
Plan your pleasure, time out and treats for this month. Remember the rule is at least
1 portion of pleasure per day,1 portion of time out per week, 1 portion of treat per month.
Week / Month
Pleasure (1 portion a day) Time out (1 portion per week) Treat (1 portion per month)
When, with whom and where When, with whom and where When, with whom and where
Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
Friday
Saturday
Sunday
72
Exercise: My connections
1. Make a list of people with whom you have a connection. This might include people
from work, family or from your social life. Anyone who means something to you, whose
company you enjoy.
2. Think about how often you see them, and how often you would like to see them.
3. Think about how you could reach your goal in spending more quality time with this
person, using this exercise to outline a goal for increasing or investing in your connections.
Name and How often do you How often would you like How could you reach your goal?
relationship connect with them? to connect with them?
Jackie, ex work X 1 every 3 months X 1 per month Call her to arrange this week
colleague Example
73
Exercise: Speaking assertively
Make a note over the coming week of when you have spoken in an aggressive,
passive or assertive way.
Day/time Occasion Passive Aggressive Assertive Outcome
Tuesday, On bus from work. Didn’t have the 3 Angry and upset.
4pm right change and the driver was Bought something
really rude to me. I felt stupid and didn’t need. Late home.
upset. Got off bus and had to go and
buy something to get right change.
Example
Had to wait for next bus.
74
Exercise: Early warning signs
Which of the following do you recognise as your own early warning signs?
Tick all those that apply
Sleeping much more, staying in bed most of the day and not wanting to get up and face people – or
not being able to sleep or waking very early
Not taking care of your appearance in the way you usually do
Withdrawing from friends and family
Taking time off from work or college
Snappy or angry with others
Over eating or/under eating
Drinking excessive amounts of alcohol
Self harming behaviours which could take many forms
As well as cutting or burning, some individuals might start taking unnecessary risks with
relationships’, driving too fast and gambling. Others may throw themselves into work and neglect
their home or family life
Having thoughts and feeling of worthlessness and questioning things normally taken for granted
Easily upset over minor issues
Avoiding exercise or exercising too much
Making more mistakes than usual
Add yours here!
75
Exercise: Solving problems plan
Think about a problem that has been on your mind for a while but you have delayed
tackling. It can be anything which is worrying you. Now with this problem in mind have a
look at the following problem solving exercise and fill it in. Refer to the four stages of
problem solving for help.
2. Think of solutions – think of 3–5 alternatives
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
3. Evaluate the solutions – think of the consequences of each solution
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
4. Select the best solution – select the best one and the one you can start working with
5. Plan – think carefully how you can put the solution into action. Jot down a few ideas
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6. Implementation – put your plan into action!
7. Review – check the plan is OK and continue the plan until completion
8. Reward yourself – remember to reward yourself even if it is only to recognise that you have achieved
something worthwhile
76
77
78
Let’s Talk
Let’s Talk Gloucestershire

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Let’s Talk

5 Steps to emotional wellbeing

Step 2 Liking yourself 18

Step 3 Finding happiness 30

Step 4 Being with others 40

Step 5 Managing difficult days 52

Other helpful resources 61

Step 5 • Notice your early warning signs

How to use this manual

Statements None of Rarely Some of Often All of

I’ve been feeling optimistic about the future 1 2 3 4 5

I’ve been feeling useful 1 2 3 4 5

I’ve been feeling relaxed 1 2 3 4 5

I’ve been feeling interested in other people 1 2 3 4 5

I’ve had energy to spare 1 2 3 4 5

I’ve been dealing with problems well 1 2 3 4 5

I’ve been thinking clearly 1 2 3 4 5

I’ve been feeling good about myself 1 2 3 4 5

I’ve been feeling close to other people 1 2 3 4 5

I’ve been feeling confident 1 2 3 4 5

I’ve been able to make up my own mind

I’ve been feeling loved 1 2 3 4 5

I’ve been interested in new things 1 2 3 4 5

I’ve been feeling cheerful 1 2 3 4 5

Warwick Edinburgh Mental Wellbeing Scale

This section is about your body. Often we forget

Do you recognise any of these feelings?

• Choose less refined high sugar foods and drinks and

• Include protein at each meal which is good for our

• Eat a wide variety of foods, including oily fish (omega

• Drink plenty of water throughout the day and cut

Time Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday

Activity Closeness Achievement Pleasure

Monday Walking the dog Example 3 7 8

After a week of tracking your closeness,

Here are some facts about sleep that may help:

Want to feel good about how you look?

• Your skin and eyes can be clearer and brighter by

paper write down

about your appearance, then

and look better. Many men now use moisturiser

appearance. can remember what you

Reminder: SMART stands for:

Step 2 • Accept yourself

This section is about learning to like yourself.

Balanced thinking: Becoming aware of unhelpful thinking habits and

Do you recognise any of these thoughts?

yes no I feel like everyone is giving me a hard time.

yes no I don’t deserve good things in my life.

yes no I am not good enough.

yes no I never get what I need.

Self-acceptance is about creating a balanced view of yourself as a whole

HOW DO WE ACHIEVE SELF-ACCEPTANCE?

We often forget to say positive things to ourselves, and sometimes that is

My qualities What makes you say this about yourself

It is natural for everyone’s confidence to take

See these top tips for increasing confidence and

• Gain confidence by achieving small goals

• Shift your focus

• Try something new!

• Spend time with people who make you feel good

Common thinking habits Examples Alternatives

• What’s the evidence?

1. Stop and step back, pause and breathe

1. Stop and step back, pause and breathe

• Always choose a quiet place where you will not be interrupted.

EXERCISE 1: PROGRESSIVE MUSCLE

• You have the right to say no, without feeling

• It is OK for the other person to say no to you.

• It’s better to say No at the time than to let

• Saying Yes to extra work or obligations causes you

• It might not be such a big deal for the other

• Being respected and respecting yourself is more

• Every Yes to something is a No to something else.

• Practise saying NO in the mirror or in a less