Attachment to Your Story: The Benefits You Receive

Identity and Social Benefits

Our old story is extremely powerful and wants to hang on to us for many different reasons. The
main reason we become attached to the old story is that we get benefits from our story that
reinforce the roles, habits, patterns, and thought process we have. This attachment leads us to
believe that this is who we are and we develop an identity around that story. Think about it, if
you change your story completely who would you be? This is why people who win massive
amount of money can sometimes have a nervous breakdown or identity crisis. Even though they
thought they wanted it, at an unconscious level it changes completely who they think they are.
We find connection to others through our story, or more importantly, complaining about the bad
parts of our stories. If our stories change and we have nothing to complain about, what will we
talk about? How will we connect? It may be that the people around you are constantly
complaining about work or finances and that you normally join in the conversation. Now
imagine you changed your story, started your own business, are doing what you love, and created
financial abundance… would this affect what you talk to them about? Would you talk about your
success or would that make you feel uncomfortable? Would you complain just to fit in? Would
your new reality impact the way they see you? At a social level our stories are reinforced,
making them work against us when we try to change.
Certainty
Our story also gives us comfort because we already know how to handle and manage the
problems we have. Change poses new problems we’re not comfortable with—we don’t know
what to expect. The common cliché phrase “the grass is always greener on the other side” is
meant to imply that the what we don’t have (the grass on the other side) LOOKS greener, but it
isn’t. It’s said as a way to deter us from thinking someone else has it better than we do. But it
also discourages us from trying new things. The truth is that sometimes the grass IS greener on
the other side! Sometimes people use beliefs like this to hold themselves back in order to avoid
uncertainty. Certainty is one of our most basic needs as humans. Some people are more
comfortable with uncertainty then others. For the most part it something that we can develop to
embrace.
Biological
At a biological level, stress and drama are very addicting. In fact, some studies have shown that
it is just as addicting as cocaine. The reason being is that when we have drama our body
produces adrenaline, which is very addicting. However, we cannot live in that state consistently,
so if we have lives with high levels of drama and stress, we are likely to indulge in other habits
that counter balance this emotional intensity and sooth or calm us down—such as unhealthy
eating habits, alcohol and other drugs, or zoning out to TV or other media. These behaviors
produce serotonin (feel good chemical) and dopamine (body reward center). Therefore, some
people live in a constant roller coaster of chemicals. The addiction to the adrenalin, as well as the
positive neurochemicals, drives them to continue their storyt. Like any other addiction, changing
it can be challenging because we have to stop that chemical dependency.
Excuses
Often, people use the story of their life as an excuse. The most common example is using your
story as an excuse for failure, or not trying in the first place. If you believe “nothing ever works
out for me” then failing or not trying makes sense to you. For example, many people we have
worked with say statement such as ‘I just do not have time or energy to go for their dreams.”
However, after assessing their time, we can easily show them how they have time but that they
miss-use it. And when we assess their lifestyle habits, we can show them that they could change
their energy level by taking care of their health and emotional state.
Avoidance
Our story also can be used to hide deeper issues. For example, we may surround ourselves with a
bunch of little problems that take up or time so that we will not have to look at major things in
our life, such as a bad relationship. We can also surround ourselves with friends that we are
trying to “rescue” so that we do not have to look at ways we need to rescue ourself. In other
words, we have what are called “safe problems”—problems that are relatively minor, can be
easily fixed, and solving them doesn’t disrupt your story or life in any major. You can choose to
stop being a savior and instead spend some of that time focusing on pursuing your dream of
opening a business. However, opening up the business and leaving your job is a “quality
problem”—a problem that requires disruptive change in order to fix it. Opening a business would
change your life completely, and so it’s a lot easier to play it safe, avoid dealing with it, and
distract ourselves with safe problems.
So ask yourself:

What social benefits do you receive from your story (specifically from your problems)?

What elements of your story and life do you cling to because they are certain/secure (but deep
down you want to change them)?

What patterns, behaviors or situation (aka drama or stress) in your life create rushes of
adrenaline?
What coping strategies do you use to stimulate the “calming” biological rewards?

What excuses do you commonly tell for why you can’t do what you want in life?

What “safe problems” do you have? And what “quality problems” or deeper issues are you
covering up with them?