Jennifer Benito

Health 348

May 19, 2023

Thinking about death brings different types of emotions to people. Some people might be

terrified of death while others think it is part of life and are not afraid of it. I have met people

with different opinions about death and wondered if we were all brought together what topics can

we discuss? If we talk about death will our opinions change? Will this be controversial to talk

about or can it bring us closer together? After using the Death Over Dinner website this is how I

planned my dinner.

I first had to think about who I wanted to invite. Since this can be a sensitive topic for

many people I decided to keep it to close friends and family. I invited the people close to me

which included my parents, siblings, my five best friends, two aunts, three uncles, and three of

my cousins. I sent an email to each person individually. The invitations I emailed read like this

“Hi (their name), I would be excited if you joined me and our close family and friends for Death

Over Dinner. We will take part in a conversation. This isn't meant to be a morbid conversation,

but a very human one, where we consider what we want, both in life and during its close. I want

us to learn any fears we might have, get rid of inhibitions, and build deeper connections. So that

we have starting places for our conversations, I've selected a few "homework" assignments for

all of us to read, watch, and listen to before our dinner. They are very short and do not require

much time so there is no complaining. I have included the links in this email so it is easier to

find. I would like you to read From a Living Funeral to Death Over Dinner, watch The Only
Reason We're Alive, and listen to Sam Harris Podcast: Lessons from Death. The podcast is about

thirty minutes so that would be the most time-consuming “homework” assignment. The dinner

will take place May 13, 2023, at my house at 6:00 PM. Please let me know by May 10 if you will

be attending. I'm looking forward to sharing this dinner and hope to see you there.

After everyone confirmed they were going to attend I started making the plans right

away. I wanted this dinner to feel very welcoming and I wanted the energy to be warmhearted

since the topic could be a little intense for some. I had a long dining room table that fit ten people

but I had to get two extra round tables so I could sit four people in one and four in another. I sat

some of the older adults at the long table mixing in some friends and cousins there. I wanted

different age groups at different tables because I wanted everyone to share their different

opinions. I figured that because the age ranged from twenty to forty-five everyone has different

age experiences and would be able to share with each other. I decorated the room with flower

arrangements and butterfly decorations on the flowers. I put it all over the room as well as some

artificial candles. For dinner, I decided to ask one of my aunts to help me make pozole. It was the

best option for us because if people wanted to keep eating we had a big pot of it. I assigned

everyone at each table, mixing everyone up and letting them serve themselves so they can start

eating.

About forty-five minutes into our dinner I stood up and thanked everyone for coming. I

let them know that I did not want to dive right into the conversation quickly and that I wanted to

go slowly into it. I started the conversation by honoring our loved ones who have passed. I

wanted everyone in the room to say one good memory they have with one of their loved ones

who has passed. After everyone shared a heartfelt moment I decided to talk about the
“assignments” we had. I first started with the reading which included things that other

participants did in their dinners. One of the main things I wanted to bring from this article is to

get to know how they wanted to live the rest of their lives and when the time does come how

would they want their funeral to be. One of my aunts decided to speak first and said when her

time did come she wanted to have many colorful flowers around her. She said she wanted to go

back to Mexico to be buried next to her dad. She wanted to be wearing a skirt and wanted to look

as natural as possible for her viewing. A lot of my family members also said they wanted to go

back to Mexico to be buried with their parents. One of my cousins said she wanted to be

cremated and made into jewelry. She said if she had kids by the time she passed she wanted to

have her kids wear her either as a necklace or bracelet. My friend said he wanted to be buried

here in Los Angeles. He wanted a banda which is a group of musicians who play Regional

Mexican music. He also said he wanted a bottle of tequila in the casket with him and everyone to

be wearing white. Mostly everyone agreed on the way they wanted their funeral to be. The main

thing everyone agreed on was they wanted their life to be celebrated and not to be sad about their

passing but to know that they lived the life they wanted. That is when we transitioned to the next

topic which was how we want to continue living the rest of our lives. My friend started by saying

she wants to live her life to the fullest. There are many times when she stops herself from going

out because she wants to save up but after talking to everyone for a little bit she realized money

comes and goes. The sudden realization came to her when we started honoring our loved ones.

She realized that we only have a certain amount of time on Earth so she does want to have fun

until she is no longer here. All of my cousins and friends agreed with her and said they wanted to

do the same thing. Two friends added a couple of goals they had for life and prayed they will be
able to reach them before they are gone. My uncle who is forty said that he felt that he has lived

his life to the fullest. He said he will continue to have fun by hanging out with his friends and

family. He wants to continue going out with his daughters and hopes they grow up with good

memories. The older adults agreed except for one uncle. He has no kids and wants to continue

going to the bars since he has no one tying him down. One thing that my mom added was that

she did not want to live in any type of nursing home. She wanted to continue living at home or

even with me. According to the Pew Research Center in Smaller Share of Women Ages 65 and

Older are Living Alone, “Women ages 85 and older were considerably more likely to live with

their children in 2014 than in the previous two decades.” (p.15). As time has gone by more

parents are starting to live with their children. Most of my relatives said that they want to live

with their children. They did not want to be in a home with people they do not know. They did

not want strangers taking care of them. My mom made me promise that she would live with me

if she had to.

For our next assignment, everyone had to watch a video that was about four minutes

long. For this conversation, I decided to give a small speech expressing my love for everyone. I

let everyone know I appreciate them and they are all important to me. Without the love and

support of everyone, we would not be able to live. I wanted everyone in the room to go around

and say what was one thing that was keeping them alive. I wanted to know what motivated

everyone to keep living. Every single person in the room said that love was keeping them alive.

They are motivated by love and it is the reason they push through the hard times.

The last topic for the night was listening to the podcast which was the longest thing to do

out of all the assignments. To end our discussion for the night I wanted everyone to give me their
thoughts on discussing the importance of awareness even though it can be scary to think about.

My dad said that he does not like to think about it but being aware of it is important. Being aware

can help us live a better life. He also said when our lives do come to an end our decision should

be respected. My friend said that she now knows it is important to discuss the end of life because

our loved ones could be aware of what we want. As stated by the National Institute on Aging in

Making Decisions for Someone at the End of Life two approaches can be used when deciding for

the person who didn’t say what they wanted. One approach is substituted judgment which means

you put yourself in the person's shoes. Another approach is the best interest approach which is

the person as the representative thinks what is best for the person who is dying. This is what my

family was discussing. They said that before they would have not acknowledged that they would

die so therefore have not talked about their last wishes or what they would want to happen if they

are dying. They acknowledged that these conversations need to happen.

After finishing our dinner we all reflected on what was discussed. We acknowledged that

even though this was a hard thing to get into, it was a good way to connect and know each other

on a deeper level. We talked about different topics without any disagreement because we knew

everyone had different opinions we respected. We were able to talk about our wishes when the

time came. We are not granted eternal life and when it does come to an end we all want to know

we lived it the best we could.

Overall we are grateful for life and when we do die we will not be scared because

hopefully there is something after it. We will continue to live our lives the way we did but keep

remembering that it is precious. My family was able to have a conversation with their kids,

nieces, and nephews. They were able to include my best friends and get to know them the way I
do. After this dinner, we will love and appreciate each other more than we already did. Although

we are not in this world forever our love even after death will continue for generations to come.

We needed to acknowledge it because now we know that our wishes will be respected and we

will always have each other's best interests in mind.

 References

Making Decisions for Someone at the End of Life. (2023, May 11). National Institute on Aging.

https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/making-decisions-someone-end-life

Stepler, R. (2016, February 18). Smaller Share of Women Ages 65 and Older Are Living Alone.

Pew Research Center.

https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2016/02/18/smaller-share-of-women-ages-65-

and-older-are-living-alone/