DEATH DOES LARRY

Cary Pepper
1444 7th Avenue
San Francisco, CA 94122
(415) 759-5606
carypepper@aol.com

www.carypepper.com

 Copyright by Cary Pepper

Member of The Dramatists Guild of America, Inc.

All rights and privileges.
 DEATH DOES LARRY

LARRY 40s and up

DEATH Age Unimportant

NOTE: DEATH can be played by a man or a woman.

(LARRY sits on a bench. He does not look happy.)

(DEATH enters. He wears a tie and sweater vest, and a hat with earflaps.
He gazes at Larry, then sits down next to him, hands folded in his lap.)

DEATH
How’s it going?

LARRY
I think first you’re supposed to ask, “Is it OK if I sit here?”

DEATH
Is it OK if I sit here?

LARRY
No.

DEATH
Sorry.

(Pause.)

LARRY
But not sorry enough to leave.

DEATH
Sorry.

(Pause.)

DEATH
How you doing?

LARRY
Lousy. And you sitting here isn’t helping.

-1-
 DEATH
Sorry.

LARRY
You keep saying that. But I don’t see you doing anything about it.

DEATH
Sorry.

LARRY
OK, you can stop saying that.

(Pause.)

DEATH
Bad day?

LARRY
Look, I just want to be left alone.

Bad day... Second worst day of my life. Yesterday was the worst.
Today’s almost as bad because I woke up this morning.

DEATH
It might be about to get worse.

LARRY
Can’t see that happening.

DEATH
Or maybe better.

LARRY
Don’t think so.

-2-
 DEATH
Well, if today’s the second worst day of your life, it might soon be the third.
If that’s an improvement.

LARRY
Not really. And I have no idea what you’re talking about.
And I really don’t care.

DEATH
I’m afraid I have some bad news for you.

LARRY
Can’t be as bad as yesterday.

DEATH
Afraid it is.

LARRY
How do you know?

DEATH
You survived yesterday.

LARRY
Barely.

DEATH
You’re not gonna survive today.

(LARRY gazes at DEATH, taking his measure. He doesn’t see any threat.)

LARRY
Got an Uzi under your sweater?

DEATH
No.

-3-
 LARRY
A bomb?

DEATH
Nope.

LARRY
Butcher knife?

DEATH
Uh-uh.

LARRY
You weigh, what, a hundred? Hundred and five?

DEATH
I really don’t know.

LARRY
And you’re maybe 5’5”?

DEATH
5”6”. In stocking feet.

LARRY
Well, gotta tell you, I don’t see much of a problem here.

DEATH
I try to be non-threatening.

LARRY
You’re doing a good job.

DEATH
But I’m afraid your time has come.

-4-
 LARRY
For what?

DEATH
To die.

(LARRY takes his measure again.)

LARRY
You’re sitting there with your hands in your lap. And I’m wound so tight
my teeth are gonna crack. You twitch, I’m gonna take it all out on you.
And I mean all, so you might wanna rethink the threats.

And lemme tell you, far as I’m concerned, that isn’t even a threat.
Because at this point I don’t care if I live or die.
Fair warning.

DEATH
I appreciate that. I’ll make it quick and painless.

LARRY
Know what? I’m not doing this anymore.
So why don’t you just take off.

DEATH
I can’t. Not until I’ve done what I came to do.

LARRY
Make my day worse?

DEATH
Kill you.

LARRY
OK, like I said...

(LARRY turns toward him, as if getting ready to act on his threat.)

-5-
 DEATH
You don’t understand.
That’s my fault. Sorry.

LARRY
Again, sorry.

DEATH
I’m Death.

LARRY
Death.

DEATH
Yes.

LARRY
You don’t look like death.

DEATH
I’ve been getting that a lot lately.

LARRY
Aren’t you supposed to be dressed in a cowl or a shroud or something?
And carry a scythe?

DEATH
I rotate in and out of personas. This time around, this is what I opted for.

LARRY
A badly-dressed accountant?

DEATH
I thought about a terrorist, but that felt clichéd. Then I considered wearing
a Donald Trump mask. But people have enough to be afraid of all the time.
So I thought I’d try something a little more comforting. Or at least less scary.

-6-
 LARRY
You did a good job.
You expect people to take you seriously?
“I’m Death.”
And I just inherited a Nigerian royal fortune I’ll gladly split with you
if you pay some modest legal fees.

Don’t see either of us going over very big.

DEATH
You’d rather I did the cowl and scythe thing?

LARRY
I’d rather you got the hell out of here and left me alone.

And no – I am not getting up and leaving if you don’t. I was here first.
It’s my bench. That may be childish, but that’s how I’m playing it.

DEATH
FYI, leaving wouldn’t help. You know, that “Appointment in Samarra” thing.

LARRY
You walk around telling people you’re Death, someone’s liable to
slap the shit out of you.

DEATH
I don’t tell people.

LARRY
You told me.

DEATH
I have a reason.

LARRY
OK, you’re Death.
For shits and giggles... Prove it.

-7-
(DEATH is silent.)

LARRY
Yeah. Thought so.
Now, will you get the...

DEATH
See that bug?

(He points to a spot on the ground near their feet.)

LARRY
The beetle?

DEATH
Yes. Watch.

(Larry looks at the beetle.)

(Pause.)

LARRY
So?

DEATH
It’s dead.

LARRY
How do I know? Maybe it just stopped moving.

DEATH
Trust me. It’s not going to move again.

LARRY
I’m supposed to believe you’re Death because a bug died?

DEATH
It died because I killed it.

-8-
 LARRY
I can do that!

DEATH
Without touching it?

LARRY
Coincidence. You got lucky.

DEATH
You know what the odds of that....

LARRY
I don’t care what the odds are.
Kill something else.

DEATH
Uh... See that bird?

(He points to a branch on a nearby tree.)

LARRY
Wait a minute. Which one?

DEATH
The blue jay.

(LARRY looks.)

LARRY
That noisy little fucker? Yeah.

DEATH
Watch.

(Pause.)

-9-
 LARRY
How’d you do that?

DEATH
I’m Death.

LARRY
One more.

DEATH
OK...
(He points.)
See that dog over there?

LARRY
No! No dogs! You wanna kills bugs, or birds, or cats, OK. But no dogs.

DEATH
But I’m Death.

LARRY
No dogs. A mouse, a mole, a rat. But no...Wait! A pigeon!

DEATH
OK.

LARRY
And this time, I pick it.

DEATH
OK.

LARRY
OK.
(Pointing)
See those pigeons over there?

-10-
 DEATH
Uh-huh.

LARRY
The one on the right.

DEATH
With the red beak?

LARRY
No, the one with only one leg. That one.

DEATH
OK.

(LARRY watches the pigeons intently.)

(Pause.)

LARRY
I’ll be damned.

So you’re Death.

DEATH
Uh-huh.

LARRY
And what’d you say before? You have a reason for telling me?

DEATH
Yep.

(Long Pause.)

LARRY
You gonna tell me what it is!?

-11-
 DEATH
I was supposed to kill you yesterday.

LARRY
Yesterday??

DEATH
Uh-huh. I...uh... I’m not sure exactly what happened. It was a very busy day.
I didn’t get around to it. If you want to know the truth, I forgot.
I’m a little embarrassed.
Something like that can throw things out of whack.
If someone doesn’t go on schedule...

LARRY
Makes you look bad?

DEATH
That, too. But they might do something they shouldn’t have been able to do.

LARRY
Not following.

DEATH
What if someone who’s supposed to be taken at three, but isn’t,
kills five people at three-thirty? That’d be on me.

LARRY
Kinda like going back in time and altering the future. But in reverse.

DEATH
Exactly.

LARRY
What do you care? You’re Death.

DEATH
But the right people have to die. There has to be order. Otherwise, it’s chaos.

-12-
 LARRY
Again, what do you care? As long as people are dying.

DEATH
Chaos makes me uncomfortable. I’m very big on order.
To be honest, I’m a little obsessive about it.

LARRY
A control freak.

DEATH
I admire precision.

LARRY
Maybe you should admire better clothes.
Looking like that, you go up to people and say, “I’m Death”...
you must get a lotta laughs.

DEATH
It’s the least I can do for people. Or try to.
There’s been so much of me lately.
So many people dying in so many places, for no good reason.

LARRY
You could stop, y’ know.

DEATH
Actually, I can’t.
Anyway, I’m just one part of the...Big Thing.
Which, for me, includes taking people on the lists.

LARRY
Well who’s making the lists?

DEATH
These days, a lot of the wrong people.

-13-
 LARRY
You’re saying people make the lists??

DEATH
Some of them.

LARRY
Make ’em stop!

DEATH
Doesn’t work that way.

LARRY
Well, kill them.

DEATH
Doesn’t work that way.

LARRY
Then just tear the lists up.

DEATH
Doesn’t...

LARRY
Yeah, yeah.
So you’re just...following orders?

DEATH
I’m following the direction of things.

LARRY
Going with the flow.

DEATH
Uh-huh. But these days the flow is so...
No other species kills just to do it.

-14-
 LARRY
So you’re stuck with us, and we’re stuck with you.

DEATH
Looks that way.

LARRY
Well I still think looking like that, you go up to people and say...

DEATH
I don’t do that. I usually... I don’t even have to go up to them.
I just... And they...

LARRY
And you didn’t do that with me, because... You were supposed to kill me yesterday?

DEATH
Right. It didn’t feel fair to just... See, I didn’t realize it until evening.
After the day you had, I was going to make it fast and painless.
I felt that was the least I could do.

LARRY
But you forgot. Again.

DEATH
Sorry.

LARRY
And also, if you’d stayed on schedule, and had your act together,
it might have been in the morning?

DEATH
That’s another thing. I think it was supposed to be in the morning.
My planning got all scrambled. So I never got around to scheduling it.
Officially.

-15-
 LARRY
Yeah, I hate when that happens.

So let me get this straight. You were gonna kill me yesterday. And you think
it was supposed to be in the morning. And if not the morning, it was gonna be
in the evening. I have that right?

DEATH
Yep.

LARRY
Well this just sucks!

DEATH
Sorry.

LARRY
You are sorry! A sorry excuse for...whatever the hell you’re supposed to be.
An angel, a spirit, a specter.
You have any idea how unfair this is!?

DEATH
I get that a lot.
Especially when people don’t see it coming.

LARRY
No, you don’t get it.

DEATH
Really, I understand. It’s hard to...

LARRY
I’m sitting here, thinking I don’t care if I live or die, and then you come along and...
You know what this is?

-16-
 DEATH
An answer to your prayers if you were really...

LARRY
I wasn’t praying for it.
I was contemplating it. Wondering what it takes to bring someone to the breaking point.
Did I really want to die, or was it a despair-of-the-moment thing?
Know where I landed? I don’t care anymore.
If that branch were about to come crashing down, maybe I’d sit under it.
And just see what happened.
If I were near a lake and there was a lightning storm, maybe I’d go swimming.
If I were in a blizzard, I’d just lay down in the snow and...whatever happened,
happened.
And now you come along, and...

DEATH
Not to be rude, but I’ve heard this before. People say they want to die, until...

LARRY
No, you really don’t get it. I’m saying...

DEATH
Now that it’s a reality, you‘ve changed your mind.

LARRY
Will you let me finish? Do you always interrupt people when they’re...

DEATH
Actually, yes. Pretty much always.

LARRY
Can I tell you...

DEATH
Yes.

LARRY
...why I’m upset?

-17-
 DEATH
Shoot.

LARRY
I’m upset because you didn’t do your job.
Because you didn’t kill me yesterday. In the morning!

You know what I went through yesterday?

DEATH
It was pretty bad.

LARRY
Bad?? I lost my job. Totaled my car. And my wife left me to run off with her life coach.
I come home, my house has been burglarized. And set on fire.
How’s that for a day?

DEATH
I’ve seen worse.

LARRY
Her life coach?? I should report him to his licensing board.
Do they even have licensing boards? What the hell is a life coach?

And of course you’ve seen worse. You’re fucking Death!

But that’s not the point! If you’d killed me in the morning, I wouldn’t have
gone through all that.
If you’d killed me in the evening, I wouldn’t have had to wake up to it today!
If you’d just done your job...

DEATH
I know. Sor...

LARRY
And if you say “Sorry” one more time, I’ll slap the shit out of you.
You seem to be doing a fine job offing everyone else, why’d you screw up with me?

-18-
 DEATH
My bad.
That’s why I didn’t just take you before. I figured I owed you.

LARRY
You do owe me! Big Time!

DEATH
I’ve been trying to come up with a way to make it up to you.

LARRY
What’d you come up with?

DEATH
First of all, I’m going to make it painless.

LARRY
Well, thanks. That’s...good to know.

DEATH
And I’m gonna give you the rest of the day. If you want it.

LARRY
To do what?

DEATH
Live. But you can’t do anything.

LARRY
What does that mean?

DEATH
Like we were saying before. You can’t do anything that’ll throw things out of whack.
You can have the day, if you want it, but you have to be very low key.

LARRY
And if I don’t want it?

-19-
 DEATH
I can take you any time you say. And it’ll still be painless.

LARRY
I get to choose the time, and it’s painless.
That’s better than a lot of others get.
But you said before it was gonna be fast and painless anyway.

DEATH
I said if it was in the evening, after the kind of day you had, it’d be fast and painless.
If it had happened in the morning, before you started your day... I hadn’t gone that far
in my thinking.

LARRY
You are obsessive.

DEATH
I’m working on it.

LARRY
But if it happened in the morning, even if it wasn’t fast and painless,
I wouldn’t have had to go through the rest of that fucking day.
So the way I see it, you still owe me.

DEATH
I feel the same way.

LARRY
So??

DEATH
So I’m gonna throw in one more thing.

LARRY
I’m probably supposed to ask for it not to happen, but I really don’t care.

-20-
 DEATH
I couldn’t do that anyway. Your time has come.

LARRY
I’m ready.
But what are you offering?

DEATH
Does it matter? If you really are ready?

LARRY
Yeah. You owe me. Pay up.

DEATH
Fair enough.

I’m gonna let you pick someone.

LARRY
To what?

DEATH
To die.

LARRY
What??

DEATH
I’m giving you the power to choose one person to die.

LARRY
You mean, like...anyone?

DEATH
No national leaders. No children. No one whose death would automatically
mean anyone else dies. Like someone sitting at the controls of a plane.

-21-
 LARRY
But other than that? Anyone I say?

DEATH
Right.

LARRY
No shit!

DEATH
No shit.

LARRY
You can do that?

DEATH
I’m Death.

LARRY
A few minutes ago, you were just an errand boy...an intern...
taking out whoever was on some list. Now you can do this?

DEATH
I can do lots of things I haven’t mentioned.

LARRY
So why don’t you make your own list and put down all the wrong people
making those other lists?

DEATH
It doesn’t work that way.

LARRY
This is so...random!

DEATH
I get that a lot.

-22-
 LARRY
It’s like, anything can happen to anyone at any time.

DEATH
I’d think you of all people would know that.

(Pause.)

LARRY
So you’re letting me make a list.

DEATH
A list of one.

LARRY
And this is gonna do what for me?

DEATH
I don’t know.
It was the first thing I came up with. I decided to go with it.

LARRY
Talk about random.

OK... My list...

(Pause.)

LARRY
Well, that’s easy enough. My wife.

DEATH
Your wife.

LARRY
Yeah. After what she did to me...
No... Wait! The life coach!
Of course! What was I thinking? Kill the life coach!

-23-
 DEATH
You’re sure?

LARRY
Couldn’t be surer. Let’s off the son of a bitch!
How do we do it?

DEATH
I’ll take care of that.

LARRY
When?

DEATH
We’ll get to that.
But let me ask you something... You made that decision pretty quickly.

LARRY
Who’d you think I’d say?

DEATH
Do you want to give this a little more thought?

LARRY
Why?

DEATH
Maybe there’s someone who deserves it more.

LARRY
Like who?

DEATH
Someone who’s going to do something really bad tomorrow.
Perhaps explode a bomb in a public space.

-24-
 LARRY
I don’t know anyone like that.

DEATH
You could designate someone. I’d take care of the rest.

LARRY
You can do that anyway.

DEATH
I can’t take anyone who isn’t scheduled.

LARRY
But you can take someone I designate? What, I get special dispensation?

DEATH
This once. I owe you. You’re the list maker.

LARRY
What is this? “You have three wishes. Be careful what you wish for?”

“There are five people in a lifeboat and one has to go over the side.
Which one do you choose?”

DEATH
I didn’t plan it that way. But... I suppose it is.

LARRY
This isn’t fair!

DEATH
I get that a lot.

LARRY
You said I could do this to make up for what you didn’t do.
Now you’re putting conditions on it!

-25-
 DEATH
I’ve given you a terrible power. I’m trying to help you make a good decision.

LARRY
I don’t want to make a good decision! I want to kill the life coach!

DEATH
If you really want to, we will. I’m just suggesting you choose carefully.

LARRY
Why??

DEATH
Maybe you can do some good, instead of just satisfying your own need for revenge.

LARRY
It’s my dispensation! My let-me-make-it-up-to-you wish! Right?

DEATH
You bet.

LARRY
So I don’t want to use it for “the good of humanity”.
After today, I won’t be part of humanity. And humanity hasn’t done all that great by me.
I don’t owe it anything.

DEATH
You could leave the world a slightly better place. Maybe a lot better,
depending on who you...

LARRY
I’m pretty pissed off at the world right now. I don’t care about leaving it a better place.

You gave me the wish. Or whatever you want to call it. I should get to use it any way
I want to.
If I can’t, you’re not making anything up to me. You’re just getting me to make a decision
for you.

-26-
 DEATH
I thought maybe you’d want to help.

LARRY
I don’t.
And you should have known that.

DEATH
I was hoping.
Maybe if you give it a little time...

LARRY
No.
Sure, there are people out there doing terrible things. And they deserve to die
before they can do them. But I’m not responsible for doing that.

DEATH
All right. If that’s the way you feel.

LARRY
That’s the way I feel.

DEATH
The life coach.

LARRY
The life coach.

DEATH
OK.

LARRY
Can we make it painful?

DEATH
Really?

-27-
 LARRY
OK, never mind. Just do him.

DEATH
OK.

(Pause.)

LARRY
Wait.

DEATH
Yes?

LARRY
Is it too late? Did you already... Y’know.

DEATH
Not yet.

LARRY
How much better could I leave the world?

DEATH
By killing the life coach? Not all that...

LARRY
By picking someone else.

DEATH
You could do a lot of good.
If you picked someone planning to kill dozens of people.

LARRY
You know someone like that?

-28-
 DEATH
Several.

LARRY
All going to kill dozens of people?

DEATH
Not all.

Some might kill hundreds.

LARRY
Then why don’t you kill them, instead of whoever’s on their list!?

DEATH
It doesn’t work that way.

LARRY
So how does it work!? What are the rules!?

DEATH
People have been trying to figure that out...since people have been trying to
figure things out.

LARRY
Know what? This is just a continuation of all the shit I’ve been going through
since yesterday.
When you sat down, I talked to you because it was a diversion.
I’m sitting here wallowing, and this whacko comes along, and his crazy shit
gets my mind off my crazy shit for a while.
So OK, I could use a break. My shit’ll still be there when I’m done with your shit.

But this... This is the same shit in a different bag.

You’re not helping at all. You’re making it worse. By dumping all your shit
in my lap.

-29-
 DEATH
Not all of it. Just your selection.
After that, your problems will be over.

LARRY
My problems will be over when I kill the life coach.

I can still kill him, right? If that’s what I decide.

DEATH
You can still kill the life coach.

LARRY
And it’ll still be quick and painless. For me.
I mean, if I don’t make the decision you want me to make, you’re not gonna...
get even or something.

DEATH
It doesn’t work that way.

(Pause.)

LARRY
How much time do I have?

DEATH
The rest of the day. If you want it.

LARRY
OK. I want it.

DEATH
I’ll be back later.
(He rises.)
I’ve got some people to see.

-30-
 LARRY
Wait a minute.
How come you can spend so much time here with me?
Won’t you fall behind? Or should I say further behind.

DEATH
Doesn’t work that way.
My work goes on whether I’m there or not. Once you’re on the list...
And as long as I don’t forget...

(He starts to go... Stops.)

DEATH
Don’t go anywhere.

LARRY
How do you know I won’t? How do you know I won’t...
Do something that throws things out of whack?

DEATH
I’ll know.
And then I wiIl just...
Gotta follow the rules.

See ya.

(DEATH starts to go.)

LARRY
Wait a minute.

(DEATH stops.)

LARRY
Why all this effort for me?

-31-
 DEATH
I’m giving you the chance to go out differently.

LARRY
Differently? I’m still gonna...

DEATH
Less one-sided. Less angry and raging.

LARRY
You do that for a lot of people?

DEATH
No.

LARRY
So why me?

DEATH
Sometimes that’s the way it works.

(DEATH leaves.)

(Larry sits on the bench, thinking.)

(Slow Fade.)

-32-