3 AUDIOBOOK COLLECTIONS

6 BOOK COLLECTIONS
PRACTICAL PARENTING
BRANDY A COFFEE MARKS

Published by Doctrine of the Cross

Vancouver Washington
www.dotcross.org
Copyright 2009 Brandy A Coffee Marks

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form

electronic, mechanical, or in any other way except as
allowed by USA copyright law.

Printed in the United States

ISBN: 0-9841522-1-0

Coffee Marks, Brandy Ann

Doctrine of the Cross Publishing

Practical Parenting--1st ed--

Vancouver WA
www.dotcross.org
 THE CONTENTS

Shown in sections
There are eight stepping stones
Watch each and learn before moving on.

Before addressing the individual sections let me emphasize the one

critical element that often goes unmentioned. There is no program, book,
or learning process that will help you or your children get into heaven.
The only thing that makes one particle of difference is whether or not
your children know Christ Jesus and they know what he did for them.
Without Jesus in our heart and our lives, the rest is meaningless.

PART 1: Developmental Guide What you can expect from your child
based on their age and age-appropriate activities to do with them.

PART 2: Gods Ten Commandments These are reviewed as behaviors and

suggestions for how to integrate them into your life and parenting style.

PART 3: Communication: a Story of Jesus's Childhood; Roadblocks to

Good Communication, and The ABC's of Anger.

PART 4: Choices to Challenge How to help a child learn to think for

their self by giving responsibilities and allowing learning experiences.

PART 5: Power Struggles Mistakes that parents make and strategies

to resolve conflict without power struggles so children obey.

PART 6: Discipline: Problem prevention, a resolution planning, strategies

that promote success, and learning from consequences

PART 7: Teens. Not the Enemy When their business is your business;
setting rules; and how to discipline to gain obedience and respect.

PART 8: Bedtime Boundaries. Understand your child's sleep needs,

develop a structure, issues to consider, a plan for success
If you have domestic violence issues, this is intended as a supplement to
court services only. The purpose is in parental improvement but it will not
solve all your parenting problems. What it does is show you ways to
increase your awareness, learn new parenting skills, discipline correctly,
and learn hoto communicate to resolve conflict; however, you alone are
responsible for follow through and an improved outcome!
The process takes time for practical improvement. Nothing worthwhile
is attained easily. Are you willing to give a little time and effort?
Problems begin if we are not prepared in skills and emotional readiness.
So, be prepared or completed before moving on!
Remember to first tell your children about Jesus, God’s only Son who
came to earth as a human. Born of a virgin, he suffered and died not only
for the sins of believers or Christians but for all mankind - all people.
His death on the cross is what makes what we do on earth worthwhile.
Emphasize that it is obedience to his Lordship that matters because our
life here on earth is for the sole purpose of glorifying God. Parents must
teach their children what that means and then train their children to
behave in a way that will give God glory.
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INTRODUCTION
On a good day, enjoy yourself; on a bad day, examine your conscience.
God does both so we don't take anything for granted. (Eccl 7:14)

When I first saw this Scripture it gave me pause for thought, as it should
every one. How often we take God’s grace and mercy for granted and fail to
examine our actions, and ask, “Does my behavior glorify God?” Jesus said,
“In this world you will have troubles but I bring you my peace” so we need
be anxious for nothing. These verses seem to contradict one another, but
do they and what does this have to do with parenting?
This verse in Ecclesiastes is a reminder that our children respond to us
their parents and role model according to the behavioral examples we set,
and they reflect the emotions we express. Being calm, cool, and collected in
difficult situations and responding in love teaches our children to be calm,
cool, collected in trying situations, responding in love.
Jesus wanted us to know that problems exist even when we do well. Yet, if
we keep our focus on him, we can still have peace of mind and heart.

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Often when things go wrong, parents seem to get upset with the child more
easily. Instead, rather than be upset over a child’s exuberant behavior
alter your attention and get into God’s Word with praise and prayer. This is
one way to redirect your attention; it works. And with God all things, even
the impossible child can become an obedient child.
To help you understand better how to achieve this goal, this text explores
child rearing practices in a step by step process. First is child development
discussed in its stages, then communication (Luke 2:42-52 explores Jesus’
childhood where Mary and Joseph ran into a situation they had to confront).
The exuberant behavior of a child can lead to trouble if not managed well
and the way in which they responded led to increased understanding and
improved behavior rather than conflict. Thus, this story provides a strong
example of helpful communication.
When communication does not work and conflict and power struggles ensue,
knowing how to manage these difficult situations is important and that
requires discipline and natural consequences. These excellent skills help
parents to manage misbehavior that always seems to crop up. In the final
chapter we explore a child’s sleep problems, and helping you and your child
to have peaceful restful nights.
I recommend keeping a notebook handy as you read the material in this
book, and make notes about problems you have encountered with your
children. Also, think about how you might use the strategies suggested in
your own parenting. Read Scripture for better understanding and let God’s
Word speak to you, but more important, practice what he teaches.
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A
DEVELOPMENTAL GUIDE
What we teach, how much we teach, and
when we teach a child depends upon their
age and level of maturity.
This chapter covers human development, and
how being a godly role model helps children to
develop spiritual maturity along with human
developmental skills. In Christian maturation there are different stages
just as there are in human development.
Spiritual maturity like that of an infant, we initially need milk for food but,
as we learn and grow we are able to eat meat. Thus, with spiritual maturity
we are able chew the Word and gain nourishment with less human guidance
relying more on the presence of the Holy Spirit.
This book is assembled using a very simple process, so you are
fed with the mother’s milk of a new lamb for easy learning.
Now, let’s take a look at ways to teach a child.

TEACHINGS
Hopefully, you are reading this with other parents and/or your spouse and
having discussions. So, to begin, let’s discuss the following:
o Out of the heart come evil thoughts (Mark 7.21).
o A house divided will soon be destroyed (Luke 11.17).

We teach our children in thought, word and deed and, as parents we are
accountable to God for what we teach and how we teach our children. We
can be a mature responsible person or immature and irresponsible.
Like Jesus, we must be godly models so our children believe in him (John
1.8). Teach your children about Jesus and then be more like Him. “Be
perfect, as your Father in Heaven is”. (Matthew 5.48) God loves and
forgives and has been there for us in our rebellion and repentance and final
submission to his will. So, we can be there for our children, loving them no
matter what and forgiving them when they repent and finally submit to our
righteous will.
Luke 1:6 says that Zachariah and Elizabeth were righteous; they did not
merely go through the motions in obeying God; they backed up lip service
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with inward obedience. Unlike the religious leaders whom Jesus called
hypocrites, Zechariah and Elizabeth did not just talk it, they walked the
talk, and that is why they are called "righteous in God's eyes."

We do the same so children can understand righteousness over time as they

see us sacrifice our pride by obeying God then, in asking for and receiving
forgiveness for sin, we repent or change our ways submitting to his will.

AGE-RELATED ACTIVITIES
Now let’s explore activities you can do with your children and what children
can expect from you; this means you must spend time with your child and
get to know them, building a close relationship. Be there for your children
when they seek you out, looking for attention.
Being present when a child seeks you out builds trust, as when we seek God.
“Those who know your name put their trust in you; for you, Oh Lord, have
not forsaken those who seek you" (Psalm 9:10). Be there for your children
just as God is there when you call upon him (Jeremiah 29:11).

MATURITY LEVEL
Children must be mature enough to do the tasks you give them. If you give
them tasks that are above their ability level, they may feel incompetent and
may not be willing to take more risks. If you give tasks that are too easy
they may get bored or think that you have no trust in them. Children who
succeed feel competent and are willing to take greater risks. Those who do
not feel good about their self may take risks that are illegal, immoral, or
life threatening, such as drugs, promiscuous sex, suicide, and others.
What children learn at every stage of growth has an impact on all future
behaviors and how well they succeed in the world. If parents train a child
“in the way they should go [while still young] they will not depart from it
[even when old]” (Proverbs 22:6).
First are ages 1 – 2 beginning on the next page.
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GE 1–2

The first year of a child's life generally they depend on their parents
for everything. Then, at age two, suddenly they want to be this very
independent person and discover the world. At age two, this is the time to
let them say "no" and go on adventures. Watch that they don’t go too far.
Allowing these experiences helps them become strong, secure adults. In
other words, allow your child the freedom to explore their world but within
safe boundaries!
Letting them say “no” teaches the child that it’s okay to say “no” while
firmly insisting on limits. For example, “Climbing on the cabinets is not okay,
but you can climb on the sofa (or another safe play area).”
Jesus clearly had the freedom to roam, although he was a lot older than a
two-year-old. Still he took too much liberty and had to be reminded of his
parent’s authority. In Part 3 we will explore the skills Mary employed to
communicate effectively with Jesus (see Luke 2:51).
Two-year-olds really are easiest although, their stubborn
behavior seems impossible at times. Yet all they need is
the freedom to take risks but not life threatening risks!
Instead of saying "No" take time to show them what
is safe or acceptable for them. Keep an eye on them
as they explore virtually everything within reach and
a few things beyond their reach.
The greatest learning that takes place at this age is simple walking or
learning to stand on their-own two feet. Now this sounds like a cute saying
but we are taking it quite literal. Children must do certain tasks in order to
develop the muscles and coordination necessary for other activities later.
However, if you rush over, pick them up and make a huge fuss every time
they fall down, they learn dependence not independence and their thinking
muscles do not develop properly.
Learning to do difficult things develops courage and problem solving skills.
When you allow the child to figure out simple tasks like crawling and walking
when they are little, that encourages children to think things through or
problem solve difficulties as they learn. Thus, the child is more willing to
take risks and to develop increasing maturity.

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NOTES:
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P
RE-SCHOOL: AGE 3 - 4
Children at this age, learn discipline by doing for themselves
within safe limits. So provide prudent instruction, so your
children do not “cease to hear the discipline, only to stray
from your words of knowledge”. (Pro 19:27).
Nagging and criticism will drive a child away from you and
eventually home faster than anything. As they get bigger and
older they also get better at learning and making choices. So, once again,
teach children the right way to live and they will not depart from it.
While it may seem nonessential this is a good time to give a small allowance
so as to encourage financial discipline. Establish a reasonable amount and
suggestions for saving and spending: “It should last you a week. You can use
it for comics and gum. You can also save it to buy bigger things”.
Consistency in follow through with what you say and do also sets a pattern
they can follow for spending and saving. When they spend unwisely and the
allowance does not last then, saying “no,” teaches them to say no to their
own impulses, and their friends/peer group later on. If they spend their
allowance before the week is up and you help them out with more money,
they learn nothing other than how to use you. Do not lecture about their
spending; let them learn from experience. Long explanations are wasted;
they are not ready for it; keep it simple!
Children learn to think for themselves by making choices and making
mistakes when you allow them the learning experience. God gave freewill,
the freedom to choose at will, whatever and whomever - wisely or not - and
we should have the good sense to do the same for our children. Although,
you do not let a child run out in front of a car just to teach them the
danger of playing in the street.
Children also need to be taught or instructed in what is biblically correct.
Proverbs is a book of instruction for gaining knowledge and wisdom.
See Appendix A for Proverbs for a Godly Relationship with Parents and
Appendix B for Proverbs for Parents.

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CTIVITIES FOR 3 – 4 YEAR-OLDS
3 - 4 year-olds need time with you reading to them, playing, talking,
and teaching them the right way to live for God. Warn them about
harmful substances and activities. You don’t teach a child the danger of
cars by letting them run into the street. And you don’t teach children the
danger of alcohol, cigarettes, or drugs by letting them try them!
Children need you to teach them about alcohol, cigarettes, illegal drugs and
it is best if they do not learn by seeing you using them. They also need to
know about medicines and the harm they can do - if they are not used right.
Food is also a good topic. So talk about food groups and good food choices.
Of course, if you eat healthy meals and have regular meals where everyone
is generally present, then you already are on the right track.
Teach children moderation in exercise and control of the appetites both by
discussion and by what you eat and how much you eat. Discuss exercise and
sports, their interests and how those activities can help them stay in shape
and form good lifetime habits.
If you do not have household or family discussions, sit down together and
talk over family rules and decisions, and then, follow the rules yourself.
Typical household or family rules generally focus on schoolwork/homework,
bedtime activities, age-related chores, drug use, school and play friends,
television and radio time, and most important, penalties for misbehavior.
These will be covered in greater depth in a later section.
If you are a parent who teaches children to live correctly but you yourself
do not follow the same guidelines, then your children are learning hypocrisy
and not good healthy living. Parents who are hypocrites create conflict in
their children. On the one hand they want to obey you but when they see
you doing the very thing they were told not to do, it creates inner conflict
and eventual disrespect and rebellion.
My children learned good and bad behaviors from me and it was evident in
both their lives. My own drug use and its devastating effects taught them
to avoid drugs because I talked about the consequences they could see in
my life. Thus, it was a good reason to not use and avoid these consequences.
But because I did not take marijuana or alcohol use serious, I never warned
them about it so they did not learn about the dangers and both of my sons
had problems with alcohol and marijuana. So, teach your children from your
own example and reduce some of the conflict in their lives.
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S
CHOOL AGE 5-9
At this stage, children like life and they like school, usually. They
don't have a clue what the future means, as they are in between fact
and fantasy of life. They need rules, guidelines and information to make
well-informed choices about life. Discuss everything with them in the here-
and-now, not the past or future. Focus on good health and being a healthy
role model, one they can be proud to call their parent.
This is the age when they need to know specifics - what is legal and illegal
and why. Generally, legal is because society believes the danger is within
acceptable limits. Illegal substances are considered dangerous perhaps,
because time has shown that they have caused considerable harm. Alcohol
is dangerous as its long term effects have serious consequences for ones
physical and mental health. Also, driving under the influence of alcohol can
result in death, yours and/or other persons. Drugs are dangerous no matter
what they are, and can be both addictive and deadly.
Nonetheless, there are drugs or medicines that are acceptable and foster
improved health and well-being. Discuss which foods and medicines are okay
and which they should try to avoid. Food with chemical preservatives and
coloring agents, other additives, or high sugar content, can be harmful.
Children need information to make well-informed choices. A co-worker once
told my sister—who had apologized for lack of certain knowledge—that we
only know what we know. So, teach children to ask questions of everyone,
even authority figures; not all are legitimate; gather as much information as
needed to make a healthy choice. Without the information our children will
not be prepared for the real world.
What do they need to know about a person, movie, CD, or
anything else before deciding if it’s right for them?
“What’s in the box?” (the unknown) means different things
to different people.
The best person to teach a child about safety is you the parent. There is no
perfect age for parents should teach children personal safety. A child’s
ability to comprehend and practice skills, as you know by now is affected by
age, education, and their development.

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As noted, listening is the number one skill a parent can learn that will help
protect their children. Know your children’s daily activities and habits.
Listen to what they like and what they don’t like.
Let your children know they can talk to you about any situation. I was not a
great parent, but the one thing I did for my oldest son was let him know he
could talk to me and be heard. For the longest time he was his silent self,
then one day, he came and said, “I need to talk” and did, for forty minutes
while I sat and just listened without comment. To this day, my son feels
comfortable coming and talking to me about almost anything.
Reassure your children that their safety is your number one priority. Set
boundaries about places they may go, people they may see, and things they
may do. Reinforce their using the "buddy system" and let them know that
it's okay to say “No”. Tell your children to trust their instincts.

INVOLVEMENT
Get involved with your children and know where they are at all times. Your
children need to check in with you if they change in plans. Let them know
you are not trying to be a snoop, but that you are concerned for their
safety. There is no substitute for your attention.1 For more information on
this important topic, check out the website cited in the footnote.
Do they know home, school and social rules about drug and alcohol use, and
differences? Home rules and what you say versus what you actually do.
School rules: how do they differ from home rules? Social rules: how do they
differ from school and home rules? Just because the law allows certain
activities does not mean you find them acceptable.
Abortion is one example where the law makes murder legal or acceptable,
but for many, it is still murder and God commands us not to kill.
As children begin to take responsibility for their selves they also develop
self-reliance and their individuality or who they are as a person.

1
http://www.ncjrs.gov/html/ojjdp/psc_english_02/page3.html
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T
EACHING Y OUR CHILDREN

Use family time together to teach by asking questions and discussion

where you actually listen to what a child has to say with respect. Following
are suggestions for topics of discussion:
o The importance of overall good health
o TV ads and use of persuasion to con you
o How stress can promote illness and disease
o How to say "no" and when to "Just say no”
o Who they can be around and
o How to tell who they should not be around
o How to accept a person without accepting their sin
o How to be your own person and not be your friend

2 Corinthians 6:14 warns us not to be connected with unbelievers: for what

fellowship does righteousness have with iniquity?
Teaching children to ‘just say no’ is a commitment to personal excellence,
and setting clear boundaries as they learn to accept other people without
accepting their way of life. This is vital to loving as God loves.
NOTES:

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A
DOLESCENCE: 10 - 12
Children at this age have of energy and want to learn; they want
facts, especially strange ones and they want to know how "stuff"
works. Friends are very important to them as is peer approval. However,
friends influence their self-image, what they believe about themselves, to
some degree and they can be easily influenced by their peers. Thus, their
knowing how to make responsible choices is very important at this stage.
They ask a lot of questions now, so this is a good time to reinforce your
teaching about what to do when their friends offer them drugs or alcohol:
“If someone offered you drugs what could you say?"
“When you say ‘no’ and they insist, what can you do?”
Don't argue and don't discuss it, but give the best reason in the world:
"No. I don't want to."
Now, you can see the importance of teaching children to “just say No” when
they were even younger. Now they can offer options and encourage their
friends to make better choices.
"If you're going to mess around with that stuff, then I'm going home."
Reinforce with discussion the short and long-term effect of drugs, alcohol
and tobacco, and poor diet, etc.
 It damages heart, lungs, kidneys and nearly all internal organs.
 The skin may become overly sensitive, irritated, and break out, or
become dry and coarse
 Brain cells can be permanently destroyed
 The "feel good" of alcohol, drugs, tobacco can be addictive
Encourage a child’s participation in activities where they meet people their
own age, and you make friends with the friend's parents. Reinforce your
efforts to teach good habits by collaborating with other parents.
Stop all criticism and give honest compliments, but not to manipulate their
behavior. Then, let them know they are lovable and loved, and that you love
them no matter what but, you prefer they make healthy choices. Remember
that you want them around a long time.
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T
EENAGERS: 13 – 18
Teens are young adults, and do well depending on what they learned
from you early on. Remember, if you trained them in righteous living,
they will not depart from it, though it seems to rebel for a time. Ultimately,
they will return to the ways of their youth. So, have faith in God and your
teens, and let go of them so they can learn what freewill is all about
Teens need to discover their personal identity; this independence terrifies
some parents. This is a time of conflict as teens try to separate from you
and their friends and discover who "they are" in relation to you.
They are making choices based on new information. What they learned at an
earlier age determines somewhat how well they make those decisions now,
and those decisions are based on new goals.
Teenagers are in conflict with all adults, but especially their parents at this
period in their life. Try not to take their attitude personal. They need
strong emotional support from you because they have a very dim view of
themselves right now. Practice good communication skills and listen to what
they have to say so they know you value their opinion. You don't have to
agree with them, but give them time by listening.
When they disagree this does not mean they are bad, stupid or losers.
Practice saying, "I don't agree with you, but you have the right to live your
own way as long as it's not immoral, illegal or life threatening.“
Most anything else you can learn to live with, right?
Also, “You have the right to your own opinion!” At the same time, you may
want to discuss again behaviors that are illegal, immoral or life threatening,
alternatives to these behaviors, and honor versus dishonorable behavior.
No child should be asked to break the law or take part in any action that
goes beyond their personal boundaries for set for themselves. Saying no to
you is not a sin of dishonor, but how they say it may be. The commandment
to “honor your parents” does not mean to obey the parent, particularly if
what is being asked of them is illegal, immoral, or dangerous.
Stop all criticism and reinforce the positive with encouragement not false
or unwarranted praise! Discussion about drugs and tobacco should stress
the immediate and the unpleasant side effects like: bad breath and stained
teeth. Stress that the first good feeling that gets you hooked doesn't last,
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but just gets worse. Again, discuss the consequences of long-term use and
reinforce avoiding drugs, sex, alcohol use, and tobacco, etc.

FAMILY AND FRIENDS

Do not criticize their choice of friends. Instead encourage honesty about
their friends. Counteract peer influence with honest discussion of the
negative versus positive behaviors, and “help them" to make godly choices.
Of course, it really helps if you are a Godly role model!
Discuss their strengths and weaknesses, not as criticisms or put-downs but
as self-care awareness. Good communication skills are vital now. Also, get to
know their friends and the parents and talk with them about these topics.
By knowing the parents of their friends you can more easily monitor your
child's where about, lovingly, so they know you care about them. However,
respect their privacy. You can know a lot without snooping.

WHAT AND WHO ARE THEY LEARNING FROM?

All children learn by example. We teach children more by our behavior than
the spoken word. Yet, our words show the condition of our hearts. If we are
constantly critical, condemning, and/or calling names, children copy us.
Instead, teach compliments not criticism and be graciously not greedy.

SUMMARY
We have explored age-related developmental needs and activities for
children based on their age group. By now you should have a general idea of
how to relate to your children as they move through the various stages.
Let me encourage parents to read the bible because as 2Timothy teaches,
“All scripture is God-breathed, profitable for teaching, for reproof, for
correction, for instruction in righteous living. So the man [or woman] of God
may be complete, thoroughly prepared to do every good work. (3:16-17)
As such, the rest of the book shows how the Ten Commandments can be
applied to parenting as specific behaviors and the childhood story of Jesus
and his interaction with Mary in the temple demonstrate her excellent
parenting and communication skills.
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GOD’S GUIDELINES

Proverbs has a lot to say about raising children, so take a look at the
following verses and consider each one and what it means for you.
• The Lord corrects everyone he loves, just as parents correct [or
as they ideally correct] their favorite child. Pro 3:12
• A child is known by his own doings, if his actions are pure and
whether they are right. Pro 20:11
• Train a child in the way they should go; and when old, they will not
depart from it [though some do for a time]. Pro 22:6
• Foolishness is in the heart of a child; but [firm discipline and not
criticism or condemnation] teaches them wisdom. Pro 22:15
• The parent who fathers a wise child will have joy. Pro 23:24
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Raising children is hard and requires patience, time, and considerable skills.
All of the skills can be learned just as you learn anything else, like study
skills, job skills, and social skills.
As a matter of fact, the skills you learn as a parent you teach your children
by example. So, learn good skills; they are as important as rules for life. To
play video or card games we need rules and a guidebook. Life is similar. We
need to know the rules to play the game of life. God gave us rules to live by
in the Ten Commandments.
While children are given life they are not always given these rules, and
many families have hidden or unspoken rules. This can be confusing and
frustrating for anyone. Can you imagine being hired for a new job and your
first day no one tells you what to do, or how the company works or what the
boss' expectations are; you're alone and on your own.
Similarly, children learn only what you teach them. Left on their own alone
chance are, they will have problems. Good kids come not by luck or good
genetics, but from being nurtured and having healthy rules and consistent
discipline with parental follow through.
If you “Train a child in the way they should go [while young], then they will
not depart from it [even when very old]” (Proverbs 22:6).

REALITY CHECK
We all sin and fall short of God’s glory and most parents start out with good
intentions but they makes mistakes as does everyone else. Life comes with
troubles, so when troubles surface, remember, the sooner you begin
correction, the sooner you correct the problem.
No one is born a good parent. Like a new job, we all have to learn what
needs to be done and how to do it. If our parents used good parenting skills,
we learned what and how to do it. But if not, we must make a choice and
learn how to become a good parent.
What kind of parent are you? What kind of parent would you like to be?
• Indecisive - Children are frantic and fearful
• Rigid & Inflexible - Children are resistant and rebellious
• Fair & Flexible - Children are calm and confident
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These three styles are fairly common and anyone can learn to become a
parent who is fair and flexible with calm and confident children.

NEW BEGINNINGS
When you initiate change, everything seems to go well the first day or two.
But the second day or even a week later, your children may begin to test
your resolve. People including children will do everything they can to return
to the ‘norm’. Even when normal is uncomfortable it may feel threatening to
change and try something new. So be patient and give yourself and your
children time to adjust. Be calm, confident, and consistent regardless.
The Ten Commandments are the basics offered in this section that you can
put to good use in your daily life.

PART I: TEN COMMANDMENTS

1. Have no other gods but the Lord God
2. Worship no idols as graven images.
3. Do not take God’s name in vain.
4. Keep the Sabbath day holy
5. Honor your mother and father.
6. Do not kill - commit murder
7. Do not commit adultery
8. Do not steal
9. Do not lie
10. Do not covet

Ten Commandments of Parenting.

1. Have no other before them. What do you put before your children?
Some of the things we put before our children include: Alcohol, drugs, time
on the phone or computer, video games, friends, TV, work or other things
that take up most of our time that we value.
Instead, find time for your children and show them that they are valued,
and more important to you than the rest of the world. When you do that,
then they will be more willing to honor you.
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2. Do not take their name in vain. What do you call your children?
Do you tease them and have nicknames that they despise and that they
have asked you not to use? Instead of teasing or name calling, Use a name
they prefer, and rather than complain, ask for a behavior change.

3. Remember a special day for them, and not just their birthday!
Children need time with you on a daily basis. At least 10-15 minutes three
times a day and 1 -2 hours on weekends but an entire day would be better.
Let them know you are there for them, and do what you said you would.

4. Honor your father and mother means - show respect to your parents.
Model honor and respect in thought, word and deed. Listen to your parents
and child's opinion; even if you don't agree. Treat your children the way you
would want to be treated when you are aged and dependent on them.

5. Do not cheat on your children. Treat them fair and equal when possible.
Don't do for one what you wouldn't do for another. Equality helps a child
feel "a part of the family.” When one child is treated better than another,
or left out of certain activities (trips to the store, birthday parties, etc.)
they may feel alienated, that they do not belong, or are unloved.

6. Do not lie to your children or for them.

When the phone rings and you do not want to talk to the person, do not ask
your child to lie for you. Be responsible for yourself. Your honesty teaches
your children honesty and responsibility.

7. Do not steal means not to take what is not yours.

Do you bring home pens, or paper from the office, or eat from the candy
bin at the store? Maybe you cheat on your taxes, thinking you’re slick for
getting away with not paying what you consider unfair taxes. Think about
how your child might view your actions. Also, do you take your child’s things,
money or possessions; that is stealing too.
Stealing is stealing and is like lying. You think no one will ever know, but God
always knows. The person your children may steal from just might be you.
Talk about honesty, and ask questions to get them to think about it.
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8. Do not bear false witness or lie includes not telling stories about your
children that they do not want told, or gossiping about other people.
Scripture says some interesting things about gossip:
Visitors come and they only bring are worthless words, and when they leave,
they spread gossip (Psalm 41:6). Dishonest people gossip and destroy their
neighbors; good people are protected by good sense (Proverbs 11:9).
Read these Proverbs to your children:
Dishonest people use gossip to destroy a neighbor (11:9a)
A gossip tells all, but a true friend keeps a secret (11:13)
Gossip hurts feelings and comes between friends (16:28)
Tasty gossip is delicious - it melts in your mouth (18:8)
When you cannot get along, don't gossip about it (25:9)
Where there is no fuel the fire goes out; (26:20a)
Where there is no gossip arguments cease. (26:20b)
Ask questions that will encourage children to think about the verses.
Have you ever been hurt by gossip?
Does gossip taste sweet to your lips?
Do you refuse to gossip or do you help the fires to burn hot?
Gossip is a sin, so talk “to your children” about them and their behavior,
instead of talking to other people "about them." When you gossip about
your children or other persons, those same people learn not to trust you.

9. Do not covet another by using comparisons.

Have you ever compared your child to another? This can create shame and
result in their feeling angry and resentful. Comparisons create shame in
your child; they may give up and stop trying or become rebellious. Instead,
compliment them and give encouragement whenever possible.

10. Do not covet another's possessions.

Are you satisfied with what God has provided or are you always looking for
something better, satisfied for nothing?
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If we truly believe that God has provided for our needs, why would a person
think they need something more?
"And God will supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ
Jesus." (Philippians 4:19) So, teach your children to have faith in God and
not things of the world; trust that God will fill their needs.

This ends the Ten Commandments. Next addressed are Communication skills
told through a childhood story of Jesus with Mary, and Joseph.
NOTES:
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COMMUNICATION
A STORY OF JESUS’ CHILDHOOD
Every year Jesus' parents went to Jerusalem for Passover. And when Jesus
was twelve years old, they all went there as usual for the celebration. After
Passover his parents left, but they did not know that Jesus had stayed on
in the city. They thought he was traveling with some other people, and they
went a whole day before they started looking for him.
When they could not find him with their relatives and friends, they went
back to Jerusalem and started looking for him there. Three days later they
found Jesus sitting in the temple, listening to the teachers and asking them
questions. Everyone who heard him was surprised at how much he knew and
at the answers he gave. When his parents found him, they were amazed by,
perhaps his boldness that he was involved with the ‘learned’.
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However_
His mother said, "Son, why have you done this to us?”
“Your father and I worried; and we have been searching for you!"
Jesus answered, "Why did you have to look for me? Didn't you know
that I would be in my Father's house?"
But they did not understand what he meant. Thereafter, Jesus went
back to Nazareth with his parents and obeyed them.
However, his mother silently thought about all that had happened.
Jesus became wise, and he grew strong. God was pleased with him
and so were the people. (Luke 2:41-52)

The communication skills expressed in these verses are:

Mary gave Jesus respect by:
1. Mary asked him "why" and did not assume she knew his reasoning. She
did not. Had she known she would not have had to search for three days,
but would have gone immediately to the temple.
2. By verbalizing her feelings she acknowledged them and, in so doing,
taught him to do the same.
3. Mary listened without comment to Jesus’ explanation, although she likely
did not agree. He was a child (bar-mitzvah or coming of age is at
thirteen for a male), and even a male must be at least thirty years of
age before entering into a ministry.
4. Afterward, Mary kept quiet and thought about the situation but did not
anger or shame him with ongoing criticism.

Mary knew her role as a parent, as did Joseph though how he responded
was not addressed in the Scriptures.

PARENT AND CHILD ROLES

Parents are to "Raise your child in the way they should go and they will not
depart from it." (Proverbs 22:6)
Children are to "Listen to your father's discipline and do not neglect your
mother's teachings." (Proverbs 1.8)
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Thus, raising children is a parent’s responsibility. The mother is responsible
for teaching the child the Scripture for correct or righteous living, while
the father’s is to exact discipline when the child disobeys.
Because disobedience seems to be part of a child’s actions, there must be
consequences. As seen in Genesis, God had consequences for Adam and Eve
when they disobeyed his directive. So parents have consequences because
"Foolishness is in a child's heart, but [discipline] removes it far from them
(Proverbs 22:15). Thus, a child learns to "honor their father and mother
[and as a result] they live long in the home God provides." Exodus 20:12
Discipline is essential because "a child is known by his actions, if his deeds
are pure or right." (Proverbs 20.11) As a result of the Jerusalem incident,
"Jesus followed in the way of his parents, and increased in wisdom and
understanding and God was pleased with him as were the people (Luke 2:52)
Jesus loved his parents and was loved by them; which was shown by his
actions even on the cross as he ensured that his mother was looked after
by his favorite disciple, John. (See John 19:26-27)
Let’s take a look at what it means to love as Jesus loved. 1Corinthians 13
says that love [of our children in this example] is always patient and kind;
we are always there for our children; we are never jealous, selfish, or rude;
we are quick to forgive their wrong-doings; we have complete faith in them;
we expect the very best of them; and we stand our ground in their defense!
(Yet we do not make excuses for or condone sinful behavior) (Verse 4-7).
Parents communicate their Love by how they manage a child’s misbehavior.
The child knows they are valued because their parents listen to them for
understanding, and make their expectations clear! Clear understanding is
communication, clarifying expectations and consequence then, consistently
carrying it out each and every time.

3 STEPS 2 WISE COMMUNICATION

Mary likely was very frustrated and a little frightened as she searched for
three days! Mary knew her fear was in not knowing if Jesus was safe. While
our initial response may be fear and anxiety, God tells us to “fear not.” And
Mary was obedient. She did not allow fear to dictate her response when she
finally found him. Instead, Mary communicated with Jesus, by (1) asking
questions, (2) listening, then, (3) responding. Often, rather than this type
of Communication, parents set up Road Blocks to good communication.
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ROAD BLOCKS TO COMMUNICATION

When we are angry or frustrated often our response is to stop listening,

and insist that the other person listen to us. 90% of all parents respond in
one of the following ways:

1. Order: "Don't you ever leave like that again."

2. Warn: “You do that again and I'll ... (ground you for life)"
3. Preach: "The Bible says you must obey us” – actually it says to honor,
which may differ from obey, depending on the situation.
4. Advice: “If you had only told us we could …. “
5. Lecture: "If you do things like that, you'll end up …"
6. Criticize: “We could have been home by now, but you had to ..."
7. Excess Praise: "You are a good boy; I know you didn’t mean it."
8. Name-calling: "You mean, hateful, disobedient child."
9. Diagnosis: "You're just trying to have it your way"
10. Console: “Oh. You'll feel better in a few days."
11. Interrogate: “Why did you leave? What were you thinking?"
12. Distract: "Let's get some ice cream and just forget about it."

If you have done any of these things, then you know that for the most part
they only create anger and resentment or some other negative reaction. By
asking questions and listening Mary created a healthy situation rather than
anger and resentment. Generally if people ask us why and actually listen to
what we have to say, we at least feel heard.
How do you feel when no one listens to you? Guilty, inadequate, put down,
not heard, angry? Could you have solved your problem, or been willing to
repent of your wrongdoing if they had just listened? Most of the time, all a
person really needs is someone who is willing to just listen!
Good Communication says: I trust you; you are worthy; I am there for you;
you can think for yourself; and I trust you to solve your own problems.

Following are some hints for better communication.

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LISTEN:

Give the person your full attention. Look at them, not at the
television, computer screen, etc.
Turn off the Television, computer, and/or stereo and turn
your face to the child, sitting at eye level.
Don't interrupt. Give them time to say what is needed.

LOOK
Pay attention to their expression and how they sit or
stand. Sit or stand at eye level.
It takes time to learn these skills with practice, so
rather than frustration, be patient and kind.
In time you will communicate in a way that both of you will be proud of.

GIVE TIME NOT ADVICE:

If They Ask for Advice, don't! Instead, say:
"What else could you do?" or "What would you like to do?"
Instead of giving them suggestions or advice, give them time to
come up with their own solution to the problem.

Once they figure out their own solution, you can respond by saying:
“You figured that out and it makes sense. Is there anything else?"
Most of us know the right thing to do, but we need someone who will listen.
This is not always true and if their solution is dangerous, illegal, or immoral,
you can ask questions that will pinpoint the problem, and point toward other
solutions that might work better.
“That sounds illegal. Are you sure you are doing the right thing?”
Encourage them to check out the situation to be sure that they are safe
and will not get into any legal problems. Of course, it it’s something that you
could be sued for, you may want to mention that fact and put a stop to it.

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GIVE CHILDREN WHAT THEY NEED:
• They need your attention!
• They need you to listen to them!
• They need to make choices!
• They need to learn from mistakes!
• They need your trust and honesty!
• They need you to be there for them!

Next, we will address the ABC’s of Anger because when we forget to listen,
we may find that we are frustrated and angry.
Anger often results when we want someone to do something they don't
want to do. The following suggests ways you can handle your anger and solve
problems. Thus, your children learns the lesson from the example you set.
NOTES:
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ABCS OF MANAGING ANGER

1. ASK yourself “What made me angry?”

Did they make a mistake, or are you upset about something else?
In other words, is it their problem or yours?

2. BE AWARE:
Most children do not make us angry on purpose, unless it's the only way
they can get your attention.

3. CALM DOWN:
Walk, listen to music, pray, or call a friend – a friend who listens - and
talk it over, to find peace of mind.

4. DISCUSS:
After you ask the question, and you know why you are angry and you
have calmed down, then you can discuss it with the child.
a. If they made a mistake (it’s their problem),
b. tell them why you are angry. "I get angry when you don't listen, and
you ignore me or you____________"

4b. Be willing to apologize

If something else upset you (and it's your problem), then say so.
"I'm angry because . . .
"I'm tired, and discouraged," or
"I've had a hard day" and "I'm sorry for taking it out on you”
4c. Do not excuse what you said or did:
“If someone said that to you, you’d be upset too.” Or
“Like you don’t yell at me!”
This is not the time. Instead, give them information and apologize for
the hurtful words you spoke!
4d. Do not beat yourself up over it, Instead, express your anger without
taking it out on your kids. If it’s something you can't talk about right then,
then accept your anger and deal with it.

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Tell YOURSELF:
"I'm frustrated, and am taking it out on my children. I will stop right now“
or “I’m upset, so I’m going for a walk (or lie down).”

5. ENCOURAGE
Instead of saying “what not to do,” request a behavior change.
"Instead of turning on the television now, please do something else.”
If the problem is your behavior, redirect yourself so you feel better
about your actions. (Take a walk, a hot shower, music, etc.) Encourage
yourself and your children by acknowledging positive behavior change.

6. FIND A SOLUTION
You may be able to problem solve and make it into a learning situation.
Make a list of behaviors both of you agree could be immoral, illegal or
life threatening. When finding solutions, both of you agree on changes
and write it down, then make a commitment to follow through.

SUMMARY
Good communication is listening and looking at the other person, then
clarify expectations and consequences, and consistently carry them out.
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CHALLENGING CHOICES
Choices teach a child that:
"I like who I am."
"I can think for myself."
"I am capable and competent."
"Every problem has a solution."

Choices also teach a child to think for themselves, by allowing them to

learn from experience. By learning from mistakes they learn to be more
capable and competent. Thus protecting them from sexual promiscuity,
drug use and suicide because they can think for themselves and they
know how and can solve their own problems
While you allow children choices, when things go wrong, they may still try
to blame the outcome on you. Adam and Eve are one example. When told
not to eat from the tree of knowledge they chose to eat anyway.

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Eve gave into temptation then tempted Adam who also ate from the tree!
When God confronted Adam and Eve there was a lot of finger pointing.
Adam blamed God for his choice: “The woman you gave me, she did it.”
Therefore, "It's not my fault." Eve blamed it on the snake because she
did not want to assume the responsibility.

They were sent out of paradise because God knew they

were responsible and denial didn't help them one little bit;
they each paid the consequences for their disobedience.

RIGHT OR WRONG
The difference between right and wrong are the consequences we pay.
Adam & Eve were evicted from their home in paradise! Do your children
have consequences? What are they? Do you follow through?

CONSEQUENCES
Life may have gone more smoothly if Adam and Eve had repented and asked
God’s forgiveness.
While we likely will not throw our kids out for not taking out the garbage,
let’s consider the consequences of disobedience for your children. First, ask
yourself if your consequences are reasonable.
The word ‘reason-able’ means ‘able to reason’ or make sense, so when you
give a consequence, make certain it is reasonable and not anger based. You
can be angry because your children disobeyed, but you must not make anger
the motivation for their consequence. The punishment must fit the crime
and not your level of rage.
What are reasonable consequences?

What are unreasonable consequences?

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Adam and Eve were evicted from Eden because God knew that if they ate
from the tree of life while yet a sinner, they would live forever in paradise
as sinners. Thus, while tragic, their consequences made sense.
When consequences do not make sense anger is the result and resentment
can set you up for retaliation. When consequences are reasonable and teach
children a lesson, they are likely to make reasonable choices. While they
may get upset about it, they are likely to make better choices next time.
Rules and consequences are important, so what are yours?
 None. You are a wishy-washy parent who never says no, or if you do, you
don’t mean it. Your kids could get away with murder.
o Wishy-washy parents create insecure children who do not know
what they want or how to get it.
 Too Many. Rigid and inflexible you are a Pharisee who does not follow
the rules yourself, so you are also a hypocrite.
o Rigid and inflexible parents create rebellion and children who are
angry and resentful.
Children who never pay consequence have no sense of justice. By contrast,
if a child’s consequences are unreasonable or unjust, they feel victimized,
and do not feel good about themselves; they may become angry and bitter.
These children also never feel capable or competent because you make none
or all the decision, so they never learn to look for alternatives; instead,
they become dependent and/or rebellious!
One way to tell is by how they respond to stress emotionally. Ask yourself
how does my child manage difficult situations and respond to stress?
• They are trusting: “It’s okay. Next time will be better”.
• They don’t care: “Nothing ever works out for me”.
• They get angry: “It’s so-and-so’s fault”
• They cry: “They become a helpless victim”

So, ask yourself:

"Do my children like themselves?" (If they are optimistic and happy,
chances are they like themselves).

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"Can they think for themselves?" (They make decisions that fail and yet,
they do not feel defeated by the experience, then they know how).
"Do they feel capable and competent?" (They do if they take on challenges
or responsibility; they do not worry about failing; they are able ask for help
to solve problems that crop up; and they are willing to consider advise).
"Do they know and believe there is a solution for every problem - and they
persist and trust that God will work things out?" (If they are persistent,
and willing to try different options then, they understand)
Choices and chores create children who are responsible decision-makers.

RESPONSIBILITY
What decisions or responsibilities do your children have in the home?
What responsibilities and decisions do you the parents have in the home?
Are there responsibilities and decisions that are shared amongst you?
If you have more responsibility than other family members and are angry,
frustrated, and overworked, then its time rethink your chore list.
Everyone in the family should have chores and share chores with others.

WHO DOES WHAT?

There are ways to decide who does what and the following is one example.
1. Make a list of all the common daily chores. Then make a list of the once-
a-week chores. Now list the once-in-a-great-while chores.
2. Decide on which are okay for what age group. The smaller younger child
will have simpler tasks that increase in their skills as they get older and
as they develop greater capability - become more skilled.
3. Pass the list around to every family member and have each person
choose from each list until all the chores are chosen.
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Adults should do more because children need time to be children. However,

if you do all the work and they do little or nothing, then, change is needed.
Make a list of house chores and decisions that small children can help with.
Some may be too small to have big decisions or carry a heavy workload, but
they can share in the process helping you but not do the chores for you.
CHORES:

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SOLVING DILEMMAS
Child should never be made to feel responsible for solving your problems,
but they may have a point of view that would help, one you may not have
considered. Also, problems are common to life, but if they create a problem
then there should be consequences.
Regardless the problem or household chore, responsibilities should increase
with age as should their decision making responsibilities.
Increase responsibility and decisions as they grow and share more work
with adults and older children in the home.

It’s time for them to make a decision, so how do you know what is okay?
The next few pages will help you decide on the big issues then, examples
will be given of situations that are fairly common for parents.
1. Is it immoral? (Does it violate God's law)
l Sex (without marriage, pornography, prostitution, homosexuality)
l Teach children to value God's commandments and household rules of
behavior for themselves.
2. Is it illegal? (Does it violate the law: drug use, prostitution, theft)
l Teach them the value of trust in God, themselves and other people.
l Teach them about values. If they damage property, possessions or
persons, they pay must pay the consequences, or they must pay for
the damaged property.
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As a rule, we trust people when they obey the law, mean what they say
and follow through on what they say. Thus, we feel secure and our
children feel secure because you obey the law and mean what you say
by following through, so they know you are trustworthy.
3. Is it life threatening? (Drug use and drinking while driving can be)
Some lessons are learned with experience, but you do not let a 13 y/o
use drugs just to teach them about the dangers.
Children trust that you care for them when you teach them how to take
risks while avoiding life threatening behavior.
4. Is it their choice?
If it's not illegal or immoral, dangerous, then you can likely live with it
so let them! By allowing them a choice, you teach independence and
self-sufficiency as they learn from their mistakes.
Make choices and admit to mistakes yourself; be a role model; we all
make mistakes because no one is perfect except God.
Allowing children a choice means you do not convince them your way is right.
That is unfair and maybe coercive parental authority. Accept their choice,
even if it hurts. The choices you allow a child depend on their age.
When the child is a preschooler:
(1) Show them three outfits, then.
(2) Give them a choice: "Pick one outfit."
(3) Then let them wear what they choose.

Accept their choice, even if it hurts.

To wear a red top with blue bottoms is not immoral or illegal; it's a choice!

When the child is in grade school:

(1) Show them the play [if they are going out to play] or school clothes.
(2) Give them a choice: You say: "Pick an outfit for school".
(3) Then let them wear what they choose.

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If they choose a layered look - let them wear it. Remember, you're allowing
them a choice! It’s only clothes. Save your time and effort to fight the
bigger battles later on when they get older.

Example: What if your 6 y/o want to go skating with a neighbor:

(1) Do you know the neighbor?
(2) Do you trust the neighbor? Do you feel uncomfortable?
(3) If not, then just say “No.”
Talk to your child. Let them know you will meet the neighbors and get to
know them, so maybe next time, they can go.
When the child is in high school and their homework or chores are not done,
you might want to say something such as:
(1) "Your friends can come over when __
a. _ your homework is finished."
b. _ your room is picked up."
(2) "You can go to the movies when __
a. _ you finished your homework."
b. _ you finish your chores today."
Discuss the need for responsible choices and paying the consequences if
they make bad choices. Let them learn to think for themselves.
Children who can think for themselves and make good decisions tend to be
responsible people who make good choices, overall. The Justice System is
for irresponsible people who make poor choices.

PARENTAL CHOICES
If you tell children not to use alcohol, drugs or steal, but you drink or
eat the candy at the store, you are giving them the wrong message!
Also, if you involve them (ask them to get you a beer, or let
them drink) you are giving them the wrong message!
Children look to you as a role model and for your approval of
the right behavior. If you drink or use drugs and pretend you
don't you are teaching them to be sneaky liars.
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DENIAL
Denial is “failing to take responsibility for your behavior and ignoring or
pretending that you’re not doing what you’re doing." Denial is a sin and a
threat to the happiness of your family. Denial means you are living a lie and
you are teaching your children to lie.
Take responsibility for your behavior and insist your children do the same.
In other words, you must repent and ask God’s forgiveness by changing
what you are saying and doing.
Then, your children will become responsible people able to make decisions
on their own and make the right ones. And when they do not, they know
they can go to God and ask his forgiveness and then repent and change.
Of course, you already give them the responsibility to make choices, right?
Of course you are! Parental authority is God-given and must be exercised
for the good of our children and not our personal comfort.

THE CHILDREN
The compliant easy-to-get-along-with child is easily led, first by parents,
then by peers. The strong-willed child is not easily led by you or anyone, not
even their peers. Strong willed children become independent tigers.
So, learn to communicate with your child, give them choices, and
tame the tiger in your child by teaching them to be responsible.
An easily led child tends to follow and likes to please.
They can be conned into doing wrong. Help the compliant child to
make decisions that are responsible so they can learn right and
can feel good about themselves.

SUMMARY
In this section you learned the importance of giving children choices and
choosing to give them the freedom to think for their selves.
You now know that to foster freedom in the mind of your child gives them
responsibility through choices that challenge them to grow while control
creates power struggles that no one really wins. Next we will address power
struggles and resolving conflict.

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Conflicts tend to surface and power struggles are not uncommon between
parent and child. Unexpressed anger or unresolved conflicts are unhealthy
for body, mind, and emotions. Physical and mental health issues can result
from repressed anger and unresolved conflict. The best solution is for at
least one person to admit they “might” be wrong and stop the conflict.
However, pride often stops us from admitting to our frailties.
"Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up." (1 Corinthians 8:1) Knowledge puffs
up because it flatters our pride. And too much pride can put you to shame.
It's wiser to be humble. (Proverbs 11:2) Admitting to our faults requires a
humble spirit rather than a prideful one.
While anger and conflict are common, there are godly ways to express any
emotion honestly and resolve conflict quickly.
This section offers information for helping to manage anger and conflict
between parents and children, or anyone else for that matter.

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M
ANAGING ANGER
When a child is very angry, often parents want them to not be angry.
In the process, the parent may deny the child’s feelings. Instead,
give them time to calm down so they can express their feelings responsibly.
Take a deep breath, be calm, and listen without getting defensive.
If they are unwilling to talk, then offer to discuss the situation later when
they have calmed down and willing to find a solution.
Now, you take time to cool off and think the situation over.
Take another deep breath, offer to arrange a time to talk. Remember, no
quick solution is likely. Then, follow the steps to Resolve Conflict.
Even when they are prepared to talk, they may attempt to work around you
and the problem. But you need to face the problem openly and honestly
instead of avoiding it or getting angry yourself. Stick with the issues; avoid
personal attacks or threats.
Children sometimes use anger to get their way, especially if they know you
are intimidated by their anger. Instead, clarify and seek understanding for
both persons by talking and listening. Do not try to “win the argument.”
Mary and Jesus used a very effective technique for good communication.
 They asked questions and listened:
 She asked Jesus for his reasoning
 She expressed her feelings honestly
 She listened to him without comment
 Mary quietly considered his response
 She did not assume she knew his reasons
 She did not she belittle his reasoning.
Not all children cooperate no matter what we do, and power struggles are
inevitable at times and with certain people. No one truly wins these.

Remember, you cannot control a

person bigger than you (a 15 y/o)
or more stubborn (a 5 or 15 y/o)
without the use of violence.
Violence in any form is abuse!
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M
ISTAKES PARENTS MAKE

"Please come with us." (Begging and pleading is a position of weakness; they
know you can be used and they likely will do exactly that)
"Look at your brother; he didn't run off." (Comparison's build resentment;
they stop listening, and may get angry with the one being compared, etc.)
"If you come with us, I'll give you _____." (Bribes set you up to be used)
"Come with us, now or you’ll be grounded." (Threats--power struggles--are
also weak and set you up for anger and retaliation)
Rather than beg, bribe, shame, or threats to a child give them choices that
challenge them to think through the situation and come up with a solution.
They learn they can think for themselves and feel good about it.

BE SPECIFIC
 Say what you mean
 Ask questions to clarify
 Listen to their response
 What behavior do you want?
 Give clear and specific details.

Once you have established rules and set firm guidelines.

“Be home for dinner by 6:00pm. If you are going to be late, you need
to call as soon as you know".
"You need to get up for school without a reminder, which means you
set your alarm clock at night so you are up by 6:30am.“

BE CONSISTENT
• Mean what you say.
• Keep the rules every time.
• Follow with discipline every time.
• Do not compromise but be flexible when scheduling events.

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Consequences:
When they do not follow through have consequences and follow through on
the consequences otherwise they are meaningless!
"You are late for dinner. Go to your room” (you do not allow them dinner
and no snack later; also you do not argue about it; they just do it).
You may hear, “Oh Gee Whiz, Dad”. Do not let their grieving sway you.
"You were late for school today. Tonight, you will not have the television
(Game boy or stereo or friends over, etc.).”
Again, you may hear, “Come on. Be reasonable”. You are being reasonable,
which means responsible, which teaches them to be responsible.

BE REASONABLE
• Allow for human error, but not excuses just because they want to
watch TV and you don’t want to feel mean and cruel.
• Don't let them con you into unreasonable or irresponsible behavior.
This is a big mistake parents make.

Use your good judgment or intuition; it usually tells you the truth.
• Don’t be fooled into feeling sorry for them; that's another common
mistake parents often make.

EMPOWERING VERSUS OVERPOWERING

Parents say they want to empower their children, but use control
(fear) for obedience. Obedience should have respect for authority!
Fear of consequences, following disobedience enables empowering
choices and that should be the goal.
Fear of God is reverence which is the worship of God with reverence
and awe, for our ’God is a consuming fire.’” (Hebrews 12:28-29)
This reverence and awe is a Christian’s fear of God and a motivation
for us to surrender to God. Children should have a similar respect
for parents so that they surrender to their authority.
Parents who angrily control a young child, may find that when they are old
they are controlled by angry people. Parents who empower a child with love,
when they are older may find they are cared for by loving people.
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This is not always true for often children who were raised by violent
parents yet become Christians choose not to give back the hate and fear,
but love and care instead. Now, let’s look at problem solving strategies.

PROBLEM SOLVING
WHEN you see a problem, rather than saying what you think the problem is,
ask: “What do you think the problem is?”
THEN ask them what they think could be done to solve the problem.

ALLOW THEM to solve the problem though their way differs from yours.
Example

CRITICISM may be a parent's choice when a child has problems but

criticism solves nothing and the child builds resent, and no longer looks for
a solution. Criticism is a sure way to start a conflict.

RESOLVING CONFLICT
Be honest; clearly state without emotion how the behavior affects you.
a. Ask question with no audience
b. Listen to their response, but
c. If they are rude or hurtful, you can say “I don't like your comments.
When you are ready to be courteous, we can talk about the situation.”
Then, leave the situation, immediately.
In Luke 4:28-30 the Jews were angry with Jesus and mobbed him with the
intent of throwing him over a cliff. Jesus walked through the crowd and
left the city. As far we know, he never returned to Nazareth.
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In other instances, Jesus communicated as a way to problem solve.
1. What created the problem.
"When you left without telling anyone where you were going."
2. Your feelings
"I felt anxious not knowing where you were and if you were safe."
3. You can offer a possible solution:
"In the future, when you leave, I want you to let me know."
4. Allow them time to respond after you are finished talking.
"Is there anything you'd like to say? I'm willing to listen.”
Listening does not mean you agree but that you are simply listening!

COMPLIMENTS NOT CRITICISM

Be honest and be spontaneous. Look for anything to use as a compliment.
Compliments reinforce positive behavior but, they should never be used to
manipulate a person’s behavior.
"I like it when you look at me when I talk."
I enjoy your listening even when you do not agree with me.”
"I like talk with you when you listen without criticism."

MODIFY NOT MANIPULATE

We modify one another's behavior all the time. Treat a child well, and their
behavior says, "I like it when you respect me.”
Treat a child bad and their behavior says, "If you don't respect me, I won't
respect you.”
They may use poor behavior so you pay attention to them or the problem.
Instead, give attention when they are being themselves and not seeking
attention by acting out. Disruptive behavior is always goal directed.
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DISRUPTIVE BEHAVIOR
1. Attention. Some kids get needed attention by being rude and annoying.
2. Power. When children do not get attention by being annoying they may
engage in a power struggle, but you know how to deal with that now.
3. Revenge. Next, they get violent or mean and/or try to get even with you.
They are angry and want you to know it! Give them appropriate attention!
4. Helpless. When they fail in these ways to get attention (love) desired,
they may lose all confidence and expect to fail; they give up.

SOLUTIONS:
 Don't take their behavior personal
 Avoid punishment and retaliation
 Build trust; convince them they are lovable
 Be friendly with them but firm and honest
 Let them save face; deal with them alone

SUMMARY
If you find yourself in a power struggle, find a way out immediately. First,
admit you do not have all the answers and need to think over the situation.
Set a time to come back and discuss the situation, by listening and using all
those good communication skills you know how to use. Give children time and
needed attention only when they are not acting out. This can be difficult,
but there will be times when they are themselves and not behaving poorly.
Watch for it as though you were looking for a gold mine. It will be gold mine
you will soon have in changed behavior.

Next:
Strategies for discipline that will encourage children to be themselves
while finding the love and acceptance they need from you, their parents.
Mary and Joseph taught Jesus correctly, and set a positive example for all
of us to follow, so we become all God intended, which means love.

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Discipline is very different from devotion.

Rather than discipline think of yourself as a parent devoted to nurturing
your children. This takes the pressure off and encourages a more loving
attitude that will help both of you prevent problems from developing.

PROBLEM PREVENTION
Give children the needed time and attention: as little as 5 - 10 min, 3 or 4
times a day. School age children need your time and attention at least three
times a day, the breakfast hour, right after school, and again at bedtime.
Week-ends they need time with the whole family. Ideally, an entire day but
even part of a day is meaningful.
Even in the most well-meaning of families, however, problems develop. When
they do the following are useful steps that can help to resolve them. Some
of these have been covered, but reinforcing learning is never wasted.

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The following is the one for one plan for managing problems.
 one for one plan
 one child at a time
 one problem at a time
 one step at a time until resolved

STRATEGIES FOR THE PARENT-CHILD PLAN

 Discussion and Goal Setting
 Help child understand expectations
 Planned practice of desired behavior
 Self-monitor and taking responsibility
 Daily report on behavior and discuss
 Time management; use buddy system

PARENT-CHILD PLAN
Remember . . .
 Keep it super simple
 Handle one child at a time
 and one problem at a time
 Never complain about them or explain yourself to the child (to
apologize or placate). Instead …

1. BE PREPARED
 Know what you want to discuss.
 Don't let the child change the focus!
 Stick with the topic under discussion and
 Be totally committed to the task at hand.
 Arrogance (selfish pride) has no place
 The goal is not to be right
 Speak with legitimate authority (confidence)
 The goal is to resolve the problem
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2. THE PROBLEM
 Describe their behavior only
 "You left without telling anyone.“
 Describe your feelings - "We were afraid for you."
 Gather Information
 Mary asked Jesus, "Why did you do this?“

3. LISTEN
 Listen to their response
 Do not interrupt until they are finished
 Be fair but don't excuse their behavior

4. CIRCUMSTANCES
 Consider unusual situations without excusing their behavior
 there may have been circumstances beyond their control
 Mary did not excuse Jesus’ actions but made him accountable

5. ALTERNATIVES
 Ask them to help you find a solution
 Be willing to consider their ideas
 Ask them to clarify for understanding

6. AGREEMENT
 Agree on the solution, write it down and sign it
 You may have to negotiate to reach an agreement
 Never agree to something you don’t believe is right!
 Mary’s response to Jesus was powerful for he was obedient to
his parents and gained the respect of God and his community.

7. A PLAN
 Once you are agreed, design a plan
 How will it get done? Who will do what? What are the
consequences for each person who does not follow through?

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8. VISUALIZE
 Be sure all persons involved have a clear vision of what the
outcome will look like when the task is completed.

BEHAVIOR PLAN
 1. Describe change desired. (pick up clothes, improve ____ by ___)
 2. Clarify problem (what, when, where) (daily needs reminding to
pick up clothes and finish homework)
 3. Describe acceptable behavior (Sally will keep her clothes hung up
or in dresser and complete homework before dinner)
 4. Consequences for noncompliant behavior (no friends over, lose TV,
no phone or stereo, etc.)

WRITTEN AGREEMENT
Date ________ Name _________
1. ___________will increase positive behavior and show improvement
by ___________________________________________________.
2. I will appropriately ask for help by _________________________.
3. I will manage conflict by _________________ instead of
_____________________________________________________.
4. To get attention I will ______________, instead of __________.
Signed (child) ______________/ (parent)_______________

A Rating Scale might be useful and could look like the following
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RATING SCALE TO ENCOURAGE IMPROVEMENT
1 = needs help 3 = progress 5 = well done
Child / Parent .
Wake-up 12345 / 12345
Morning 12345 / 12345
Lunch 12345 / 12345
Afternoon 12345 / 12345
Evening 12345 / 12345
School 12345 / 12345

All family members can help by encouraging and supporting the parents, and
the child. Responses could include:
Discussion
Practice Behavior
Weekly Conference
Support Person
Teach Social Skills
Study & Skill Training
Positive Self-talk
Interact with Authority
Goal Setting
Write a Contract
Daily Debrief /w child
Tutor (school tasks)
Healthy Friends
Relax & visualize
Video for self-image
Encourage Parents who
need support too.

As noted throughout this book, consequences are essential and natural and
logical consequences that are related to the offense and that make sense
to the child are always the best.
Teaching about Jesus and the choices he made daily, can help the child
understand that everyone has choices that lead to success or failure, and
ask them what they would like for their life, success or failure.
Notice the five different choices Jesus made in Mark 1. (1) Jesus called his
disciples to follow and he would make then fishers of men, (2) next he
drove out an evil spirit, and (3) healed many. In verse 35 -"Very early in the
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morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to
a solitary place, where he (4) prayed. Simon and his companions looked for
him, and when they found Him, exclaimed, 'Everyone is looking for you!'"
Jesus replied, "'Let us go somewhere else – to the nearby villages so I can
(5) preach there; this is why I have come' (v38). So he traveled throughout
Galilee, preaching and driving out demons."
Thus, Jesus (1) taught, (2) exorcised demons, (3) healed many, (4) prayed,
and (5) preached during his time here on earth.
Repeatedly Jesus took his disciples and trained them to teach the world.
Sometimes I think we don't realize the importance of training even one of
our children and teach them their responsibility to others.
Parents who have children or grandchildren could plan ways to serve others,
explaining why this is being done – to the glory of God. All of us could take
someone with us to visit people in the hospital, or widows. Or we could
encourage each other to spend daily time with God.
Making good choices about spending time with God and serving God help us
to have peace of mind and good spiritual health and eternal life.
On judgment day, Jesus will say to those who did only lip service, “Go away.
I never knew you”. (Matthew 7:22-23.) We must commit to God and love him
with all our heart and teach our children to do the same.
Jesus had to choose how to spend his time as do we! Sometimes we choose
just by letting things happen and then, we have to deal with the results. We
need to be responsible and make good choices of how to spend our lives so
our children learn by example as well as by natural and logical consequences.
Five areas where Jesus spent his time being an example:
On the next page are examples of natural and logical consequences.

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CONSEQUENCES: NATURAL AND LOGICAL
Situation
1. Late going to bed
2. Stereo not turned down
3. Swear, aggressive
4. Negative Activity
5. Not do their chores
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Consequence
Tired next morning because they
still must get up at regular time.
They lose stereo for 24 hours
Request they redirect their self
or they lose certain privileges
Lose the activity for 24 hours
No friends over; they do not
go outside until they are finished

Consequences can be offered as a Choice

"You can turn down the radio now, OR lose it for the next 24 hours.”
"You can stop watching that show OR lose the television for 24 hours."
"You can do your chores now OR stay inside with no friends, phone, stereo
until your chores are done."

When you give a consequence and the child replies, "You can't make me“.
They are absolutely right! You cannot make them do anything, not without
using power and control in a way that is violent. You do not use violence.
Instead, you can say,
“You can give up (__) now or lose it and all other privileges for 24 hours.”
This means you unplug the TV, stereo, etc. and put it away!
When my son was an adolescent and disobedient, every time I took away the
television, he waited until I was busy then, turn it on. Of course, when I was
at work, I had no control over the situation. What I did was splice the wire
making it a dual plug that could be easily reattached.

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DOCUMENT
Always document consequences to aid in memory retention and so you can
follow through when checking on the results.
Remember, It’s their Choice!
"You can _________ now, or lose __________ for __ hours or __ days.
Remember, they are responsible for their choices and the consequences!
YOU are not doing anything to THEM, they made a CHOICE by their actions
and as such, they have the responsibility for the choice.
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WHAT TO DO & WHEN

• When your teens business becomes the business of their parents!
• Have flexible rules while maintaining your core values and principles
• Get your teens to obey you.
• Avoiding power struggles
• How not to spoil them!
• Managing Discipline

FIRST OF ALL, is it any of your business?

• Good communication helps to mix the business of teens and parents.
– Listen with compassion and empathy
– Share your own relevant story
– Always be honest with them
• Don’t become a prosecuting attorney with questions and accusations.
Listen and strive to understand so they want to share their self.

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ALL KIDS MAKE MISTAKES!
• Children learn best from their mistakes when parents take the time
to teach them guidelines for correct behavior.
– Nothing that is illegal, immoral or life threatening. Parents
must set firm limits on these types of behavior, then, if they
are following those guidelines you can say…
• When you disagree with their choices:
– “I don’t agree with your choice, but if that’s what you want, then
I will support your decision” [if it’s not illegal or immoral].
• Do not teach your children according to a neighbor’s rules either.
– Instead, teach them to obey God, and to consider what he might
think of their choices rather than the friends.

CHILDLIKE ENTHUSIASM
• When Jesus was a child, in his exuberance, he went off on his own.
When he was twelve years old, they went up as they always did for the Feast.
When they left for home, Jesus stayed behind, but his parents didn't know it.
Thinking he was with family or friends, it was a whole day before his parents went
looking for him among relatives and neighbors. When they didn't find him, they
went back to Jerusalem and eventually found him in the Temple with the teachers,
listening and asking questions. The teachers were impressed with his answers. But
Mary and Joseph were not impressed; they were upset and hurt. His mother said,
"Young man, why have you done this to us? Your father and I have been anxious ‐
out of our minds looking for you." He innocently said, "Why were you looking?
Didn't you know I would be here, doing my Father’s work?" They had no idea what
he was talking about. So he went back to Nazareth and was obedient to them. His
mother held these things deep within herself. Thus Jesus matured in both body
and spirit, blessed by both God and people. (Luke 2:42‐52)
• What Mary and Joseph said after the encounter is unknown, but
Jesus likely was instructed in correct behavior for a 12 year old of
his time, culture, and faith.
• You were not considered an adult male until age thirteen, and a man
had to be at least 30 years of age to enter the ministry, which is the
age when Jesus began his ministry!
Jesus grew and matured in knowledge and wisdom and was admired by
God and the people because he obeyed his parents authority.
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PARENTAL AUTHORITY
SIX REASONS TEENAGERS REJECT PARENTAL AUTHORITY

#1 “My parents don’t respect me”

1. They don’t respect my friends
Be courteous to their friends and show respect for their choices,
unless they are illegal, immoral or life threatening
2. I am not allowed any decisions
Give them guidelines but let them choose
3. I have no privacy in my home
Knock before entering their room
Give them privacy for phone calls

#2 “My parents never listen to me”

1. Listen to what they say
– Turn TV off - Look at them
– Paraphrase and Ask questions
• “How well do you know him?”;
• “What is he or she like?
– Never give advice, instead…

2. Help them find their own solution:

a. What would you like to see happen?
b. What do you think is a good solution?

#3 “My parents are totally inflexible”

1. Be more flexible by
– Admit you might be wrong
– Admit they might be right
– Be willing to change yourself
– Don’t expect them to change first
• Guess what?
– Parents don’t have all the answers!
– God does, but they must want to listen!
– Ask for forgiveness when you mess up!

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#4 “I don’t feel my parents trust me”
1. Look for ways to show trust:
• Let them use the car - appropriately
• Let them manage money - an allowance
• Let them manage their time - with limits
• Let them have input in household policy
• Say ‘yes’ to them as often as possible
These all communicate a sense of trust that teaches responsibility.

#5 “They change rules to suit themselves”

1. Rules for the home and consequences must be consistent, or kids
become confused and angry.
– Kids need clear boundaries, so they know what you expect.
– They need firm consequences so they know what to expect.
2. Authority of parents must not be divided.
You must agree on clear rules of conduct
#6 “My parents set a lousy example”
1. Practice what you teach or preach, so you can honestly expect your
teens to show you any respect.
If you set rules for the home, then follow them yourself.
Ask yourself:
Are my words and actions what I want to see and hear coming
from my children?

GETTING TEENS TO OBEY

• Before you expect obedience be sure you deserve to be obeyed.
– Do you ask for compliance or demand it or because you think
you know what is best for the child?
– Is it possible your teenager has a good idea, one just as good,
maybe even better than yours?
• Teens need to learn by making decisions, even though they are poor!
– Let them learn from their mistakes!
Getting a ticket for speeding and their having to go to work to pay it off
rather than you paying it and lecturing them forever about it, works best.
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BRIBE, CON, AND SPOIL YOUR CHILDREN
This is not how to raise your children!
• Do you bribe your children to obey?
– “If you do (for me) then I’ll let you …”
– “If you stop …, then I’ll give you …”
• Instead,
– “You need to …., then you can ….”
– “If you continue…, then you will …”
These consequences and/or discipline can apply to homework, house chores,
a behavior change, TV or computer time. Actually, almost anything!

RIGHT VERSUS RESPECT

What do you do when they demand their rights but are not respectful?
When teenagers demand their rights, parents have two options:
1. Insist the teen does “it” your way and end up in a power struggle
2. Discuss the possible choices and potential outcomes and let them
make a choice, as long as it’s:
1. Not illegal (against social laws)
2. Not immoral (against God’s laws)
3. Not life-threatening (drugs, guns, etc.)

AVOID POWER STRUGGLES

Of course, if you have read this entire book so far and actually practiced
the suggested exercises, then you know how to avoid power struggles.
Nonetheless, let’s take another look.
Don’t overpower them - empower them!
– Showing respect is a start
– Have consistency in the home
– Honest praise is a powerful reward
– Praise to manipulate is a big negative
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Instead of power struggles
• Before you take action, take a walk.
• Be confident in your family leadership.
• Practice saying “Let me think about that.”
• Parents should strive to be in agreement.

NOTES:

HOUSEHOLD RULES
I hope that by now you have established some home rules and both you and
your children have found agreement and cooperation in following them.
Rules are vital to every family home.
• Without rules there is anarchy
• With rigid rules there is rebellion
Each member has a say.
• Talk over the family rules
• Negotiate any differences
• Make a final but fair decision.
• Whatever guides are set, follow them or follow through on
discipline/consequences!
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TEST TIME
Whenever we begin to make changes, children will test our resolve
especially teenagers who may have been getting away with, dare I say,
murder for several years. Okay, that may be a bit strong. Still.
• Teens will test your resolve
• They need to know the boundaries.
• Have rules that make sense for each person, place and purpose.
– Be willing to make exceptions
– Be consistent on household rules
– Follow through with consequences
• Rules you have for an 8 y/o may not apply when they are a teenager.

LEARN TO TRUST
I cannot say it often enough. Generally, children want to be trusted; it
feels good to know that your parents love and trust you. Often, they must
learn what it means to be trusted, and that means you have to take the
time to train them in the way they should go.
LEARN TO TRUST your children by:
– Ask their advice when it’s not needed.
– Lean on them and ask for help at times.
– Show your admiration when they do well.
– Confide your insecurities to them, but do not overwhelm them.
– Ask them to pray for you when you are troubled.
Trust does not mean you let them do whatever they want. You have rules
and are actually following them. Remember?

DECISIONS
Decide what you can live with, and never sacrifice your principles.
My Principles:
1. Nothing or no one illegal (social)
2. Nothing or no one immoral (Gods)
3. Nothing life threatening (yours)
Discuss each of these with teens and the consequences of poor choices.
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Principle #1
Nothing or no one illegal (social rules)
– Use of alcohol or non-medicinal drugs
– Friends who are known drug users
– Friends who drink before age 21.
– Friends who are in legal trouble.
Of course, bad things sometimes happen to even good kids, but we’re talking
here about kids who often break the law.

Principle #2
Nothing or no one immoral (God’s rules)
– Promiscuous or Predators
– Pornography (magazines, TV, computer)
– Violence toward other people
– Music today without sex or violence is not common.
– No sexual misconduct, violent behavior, profanity, or disrespect.
– This presumes you walk the talk yourself.

Principle #3
Nothing life threatening (your rules)
– No parent wants a child dead because of life threatening activities
– Riding with an unskilled, or a drunk driver
– Activities (sky diving and other sports often require learned
skills for life safety)
– Use of drugs is life threatening
– Food problems can be life threatening
– Discuss problems and get help if needed!

GULLIBILITY AND GUILT

• Teens may use guilt to get their way.
– They know your vulnerabilities and so should you, so you aren’t
manipulated into doing something out of guilt.
– Be fair, firm and flexible but don’t let them get the best of you.
– This is where confidence in yourself and your parenting comes in
real handy, and having fair, firm yet flexible rules.
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• Who’s taking advantage of whom?
– We can all be a manipulator and may or may not be aware of what
we’re doing.
– Methods of manipulation include:
– Withhold privileges to get your way
– Rewards (bribes) when things go your way
– Using ancient history to cause pain and hurt
• Manipulation is persecution that removes or reduces free will.
Be careful of being manipulated. You can usually tell …
• If a topic is being discussed repeatedly.
• If you constantly have to negotiate and compromise and are feeling
perpetually on edge or tense.
• If one person is playing one against the other, or
• you (mom or dad) do all the disciplining, then limits are being tested
Be clear and consistent with rules and expectations and discipline.

MANAGE MANIPULATION
Jesus Could Not Be Manipulated.
His brothers said to Him, "Depart from here, and go into Judea, that
your disciples also may behold the works you are doing. For no one does
anything in secret, when he himself seeks to be known publicly. If you do
these things, show yourself to the world." (John 7:3-4).
Jesus’ brothers gave what sounded like good advice to manipulate him.
There are people who try to manipulate you into do what they want and
that includes your children. Guilt is a great manipulator.
The next time that someone asks you to do something that you don't
believe that you should (even it is a good thing like to serve on a
committee), just say "no" and don't explain yourself. That isn't easy to do.

Jesus Did Not Manipulate People.

Jesus said, "My time has not yet come, but your opportunity is always
here. The world cannot hate you; but it hates me because I testify of it,
that its deeds are evil. (John 7:6-7).

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Sometimes we get carried away in our desire to win people to Christ even
our children and present the gospel as if Christ means the end of troubles
and as if it will turn you into a nice person so that everyone will like you.
Nothing could be further from the truth. You are called to carry a cross
and it isn’t a small, dainty ornament. It is a sign of the world’s disdain.
Jesus did not try to manipulate people with niceties but told the truth and
he told it without holding anything back. When you tell people about Christ,
your children or anyone else you don’t have to try to sugarcoat the gospel.
Just tell it like it is and let the Holy Spirit determine how they receive it.
You don't have to try to force people; just be faithful.

Jesus Was Not Naive About His Self (7:7).

"The world cannot hate you; but it hates me because I testify of it, that
its deeds are evil." (John 7:7).
Jesus did not expect everyone to love him and we and our children cannot
either. Hatred is the price you pay for the Christian truth. Christianity
says that everybody is bad that faith is crucial to our eternal destiny.
People say, "Don’t make waves." God says, "I want you to make waves."
Religion says that morality is relative to its culture. Christianity says that
God has given 10 commandments and they aren’t merely 10 suggestions and
they don’t change. Jesus knew this truth and it made Him a success.
Ask questions; state the facts.
• If a topic is being discussed repeatedly you can ask:
• “What does the Bible say about this?”
• If you feel on edge you can ask:
• “What’s happening? We all know what the Bible says.”
• If one person is playing against another, or
• You (mom) do all the discipline and (dad) none, you can say
• “It seems to be that I’m doing most of the discipline and the
Bible says that we are equal in this marriage. How are you going
to follow through with your part?”
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DISCIPLINE IN THE HOME
Discipline is not the same as punishment; it has a far different purpose
• “The Lord corrects the people he loves and disciplines his own.
• Be patient when you are being corrected! This is how God treats his
own children. Don't all parents correct their children?
• God corrects all his children, and if he doesn't correct you, then you
don't really belong to him.” Heb 12:6-8
A mature person is disciplined. God’s purpose in discipline is maturity,
which places us under authority: Gods, parents, employers and others.
Discipline is a tool, not a weapon of anger. Discipline is a process of
working in love and speaking the truth in love. Correction/discipline is
best when it deprives the child of something they love, not love itself.
Discipline, MacDonald says, is the deliberate creation of stress in a
relationship to help your children grow and learn. Discipline is a task
that strengthens them and helps them mature.
Discipline makes a child face hard questions and wrestle with answers.
Discipline is learned through trial and error, by allowing a child to make
mistakes so they can learn from them.
Punishment is all about handing out justice, which should be fair and
equitable. If a rule is violated, the punishment given should fit the crime
and the person.
– A 3 y/o would not respond to grounding.
– A teenager would be in agony if grounded.
The child learns to assess the seriousness of their actions when the
punishment is seriously suitable to the sin, iniquity, or transgression.
W.E. Vine’s, “Expository Dictionary of New Testament Words”, defines
Transgression as “To rebel, to revolt; an absolute breaking away from; ...
Iniquity is “To bend, to deviate from the way; to do wickedly; ...
Sin is “To pass beyond the limits set by God, to miss the mark, ...
Psalm 19:13 says, “Keep back your servant also from presumptuous sins; let
them not have dominion over me then, I will be blameless, and innocent of
great transgression.” Presumptuous sin is “not dreading or shunning by fear,
to be very bold, shameless and irreverent daring.”
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BARRIERS TO SUCCESS
Understanding sin and iniquity and when our children transgress means
we must pay attention, and give them our valuable time. However, when
parents are busy they tend to over react to teens or ignore them, and
thereby, the teen learns not to take them too serious. To be thoughtful
caring people teens need parents who are thoughtful and caring.
Parents create barriers between them and their teens with careers, and
being busy with everything but their children. Saying ‘no’ to careers,
activities, or even church if it comes between you and your children is
vital to establishing a sense of love and value.
Discipline should stretch and grow our children so they become strong
mature people. When they ask what seems to be impractical, instead of
reacting with “No way!” say,
“I need time to think this over; let me give you an answer in ...”
This way they learn to take some time to think before taking any action.
Let’s check out some examples for teaching a child to cope with stress
by giving examples and letting them learn.

COPING WITH STRESS

MacDonald not only gives examples, but he actually takes the teen out
on in a car, or other teaching situation, and has them go not just think
about it, but has them actually do it!
So, consider events in your teens life and take them on a test run. You
can do this with younger children, like teaching them to make a bed, etc.
Now consider various situations they could encounter with a new
experience and let them act out how they would respond. The examples
MacDonald gives are:
“You’re on a date and have a flat tire”; get the jack and tire out and
pretend to change the tire; go through the motions.
“Your car breaks down. Do you leave the date to go for help, or …?”
“Freeway construction, so now you must find another way.”
There are a number of scenarios you could use. Take a look at your life
and the problems that have confronted you or other people.
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ALIENATION
Discipline and consequences for wrongful behavior create resentments
often but it should not lead to alienation especially if you manage the
situation with finesse or compassion; that will make the difference.
If you feel uncomfortable, doubt yourself or tempted not to discipline,
strengthen yourself and fight the good fight – so to speak – and you will
have strong mature children as a result. Remember, they may be trying
to guilt trip you so you will back down and let them go their own way.
Over and Over Again and Again
There will always be times when our patience is tested. You tell a teen
repeatedly to do or not do something, and …
“I’ve asked you to … and it’s still not done.”
The problem is not always evident; you may not have been clear enough;
they did not understand; or you do not follow through.
• Be specific about the time frame needed and say exactly what they
need to do. Are you following through on consequences?
• Consider how each child responds to situations, and let them know
your expectations, and always follow through on consequences!

CONSISTENCY
You must be consistent, as well as fair, firm, yet flexible. What kind of
parent are you?
• Are you flexible?
• Are you wishy-washy?
• Are you rigid or inflexible?
Being consistent with your children is the key so they understand your
expectations and the consequences when they don’t comply. Encourage
the child’s suggestions and their not waiting to be asked.

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REBELLION
What do you do when a child runs off and slams the door to their room?
When you set a standard and consequences for disobedience then follow
through, no matter how many doors they slam.
• Disrespectful body language should receive the same consequences
as any other form of disobedience.
• Let the child know they will be judged not only by their behavior and
the words of their mouth but by their attitude.
• Stand in front of a mirror with them and alter your attitude and
have them do the same thing so they can see the change occur.
Facial expressions and body language becomes habitual patterns that we
often carry our entire lives. People’s burdens can be seen clearly on
their face and in their body posture, sitting, standing, or walking. Ask
your child how they want to be seen by the world.

GOD’S LOVE
God loves us and as with Jesus we are his beloved children in whom he is
well pleased. He may not agree with all our behaviors, but he is still well
pleased with us for having chosen to follow his son, Jesus.
Teach your children to walk with confidence in the Lord, not arrogance
in the world’s standards, and they will have nothing to fear. Then, see
the change that takes place.

FEAR OF CONSEQUENCES
• Proverbs says that fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and
children should have reasonable fear of their parents.
• Teach children responsibility and fear of consequences when they
are very young and they will walk in the way of the Lord and turn not
away, to the right or the left. Teach them that water drowns, fire
burns, and hurting others ultimately, hurts them.
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DECISIONS ON DISCIPLINE
What to do when a teen disobeys?
• First, ask them what they would recommend as punishment.
– “I would like your input. What do you think will help you to
remember not to ( ) again?”
• Once the consequences are set, have a time limit and follow through
– Ask, “How long do you expect it will take you?”
• Threatening and no follow through equals disaster and disrespect
• Follow through with discipline is vital to spiritual health and to their
physical, mental and emotional health as well.

TWO TYPES OF DISCIPLINE:

1. Butt Spanking Spanking is for under age 13, not teens
2. Consequential Punishment fits the type of disobedience

 Nagging, sarcasm or verbal putdown is not effective discipline.

CONSEQUENCES CAN INCLUDE:

Verbal reprimand Time Outs Financial
Restitution Behavior Change Plan Child Writes Plan
Restrict Privileges Unpleasant Work Home Confinement

NATURAL CONSEQUENCES
Situation
1. Late going to bed
2. Radio not turned
3. Swear, aggressive
4. Negative Activity
(Throw controller
5. Not do chores
Consequence
Tired next morning get up at regular time.)
Loss of radio 24 hrs
Request redirect self or lose privileges
Lose activity 24 hrs
Lose game for 24 hrs.)
No friends over; not go outside until done

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CHOICES
 “You can turn down the radio now, or lose it for the next 24 hours."
 "You can stop ___ now or lose the television for the next 24 hours."
 "You can do ___ or stay in without ____ until the chores are done.“
 “You can go out with your friends after the ( ) is done.
 “If you throw the controller again, you will lose the game for __ hours.”

WHAT ABOUT GROUNDING?

Have family rules, such as:
– If it’s right, enjoy it
– If it’s wrong, then don’t do it
– If you aren’t sure, it’s likely wrong
– If you’re going to be later than you said, then call home.
• Scolding can work, but berating a child is totally unacceptable
– "Son, why have you treated us like this? We were anxious and
worried sick about you!“ --Luke 2:42-52

STARTING A DISCIPLINE ROUTINE

• Initially affected areas include
• Room upkeep & belongings, obey home rules, treatment of sibs,
and study habits/grades.
• Later these areas include
• Use of car, curfew, activities, dating, allowance, work, grades.
• Increase amount of freedom as teens mature and take on increased
amounts of responsibility.
• Curfew, Money, Driving, Dating, etc.

Information for this portion came from my own parenting and from,
“Parents & Teenagers: Practical advice from over 50 Christian leaders.”
(Jay Kessler, Gen. Ed.)
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BEDTIME BOUNDARIES
YOUR CHILD’S SLEEP HABITS

As I lay my child in their bed to sleep

May they dream of our Good Shepherd
And counting the sheep that he keeps

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First, take an inventory of potential problem areas.
PROBLEM CHECK LIST
[ ] unable to fall asleep promptly
[ ] you are up with them repeatedly
[ ] they have frequent problems like:
_sleep terrors
_sleepwalking
_bedwetting
[ ] they snore loudly
[ ] awake either too early or too late
[ ] irritable or sleepy during the day

TYPICAL SLEEP REQUIREMENTS

0 - 12 months of age = 16 - 14 hrs
12 - 24 months of age = 14 - 12 hrs
2 - 10 years of age = 12 - 10 hrs
10 - 18 years of age = 0 - 8 hrs

What is your child's age ______; and how many hours do they typically
sleep at night____? Do they sleep throughout the night?

Bedtime should be pleasant without anger, conflict or power struggles

o Have a nightly bedtime routine
o Routines can include:
 Change into pajamas
 Brush their teeth, then
 Get into their bed, and maybe,
 Mom or dad reads them a story!
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ASSESS BEDTIME NEEDS
Each child is different and you have to understand those differences
between your children. What works for one will not work for another.
For instance, you may be an account while your brother or sister is an
interior designer. Each profession requires different personalities as
well as different skill sets that tend to align with the personality.
Children and how they manage life, including bedtime preparation like
your career, also differs.

ASSESSMENT:
o Assess how much time the child needs to get ready and into bed?
o Include all of their routine
o Put on their pajamas (10 - 20 minutes)
o Brush their teeth (5 - 10 minutes)
o Get into Bed (5 - 10 minutes)
o Prayer time (1-2 minutes)
o Story time (10 - 20 minutes)
o The total may be 60 minutes or more
o Decide ahead of time then stick with it what you decide on unless
serious problems develop. Then you may need to reassess.

YOUR CHILD’S NEEDS

o Every child has different needs
o If they need 60 minutes to get ready, 20 min for a story, 10 min
for prayer then the total time will be 90 minutes.
o If bedtime is 9:00pm then start at 7:30pm, so you have 90 min
o On the first night, walk through the routine for practice
o After the walk through, say nothing - until - about 8:30pm
– and no reminders!
o If they are ready for bed on time, you read them a story of
appropriate length.
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o If they are not ready, help them finish immediately and get into
bed, and do not read them a story.
o Do not argue with them about it
 They know what the routine is;
 They just want to test you; so
 Build trust; be firm and “stick like glue."
o Always be sure you have time to pray no matter what.
o It helps the children set priorities in their family and
personal values with God topping your family priorities.
o Say nothing about the planned activity such as the story
time, instead . . .

IF THEY ARE NOT READY __

o Do Not Say,
o "If you had been ready on time we could have ______.“
o They already know that, so No mini-lectures.
o Do not argue or lecture them, and
o Don’t blame them not being ready!
o They know the reason already.
o Instead, say firmly
o "There was not enough time. “
o “Maybe tomorrow night."

CLOSE FAMILY TIME

Bedtime Should be Close Family Time
o REMEMBER Never Go To Bed Angry
o Instead, Prayer (to God), Praises (daily accomplishments), and
Potential (plans for the next day; what they would do different if
they did not succeed well today; etc.)
o Children need close personal time with their family, especially
their parents. TV does not provide this nor does Nintendo.
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o Bedtime is a good time to have close personal time with children.
Sharing stories and reading can give that special time needed.

NIGHT FEARS
o Bedtime is a time of separation
o Being alone can be frightening
o And you miss the chance for a loving and sharing time.
o A consistent schedule is vital for children with sleep problems.
o A schedule by itself could solve the entire problem!
o Fears a child experiences often depend on the child's age, and
their emotional and physical development.
o Some events increase anxiety:
 anger
 jealousy
 aggression
 death in the family or a friend
 Ideas about God, heaven, hell and vampires, demons
and monsters, etc.
o Activity during the day can make it easier to forget our fears
o In the evening, our fears surface when all is still.
o Relaxing helps:
 A quiet talk
 A back rub or a story
 Playing a favorite game
 Or other ways to help them relax

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FAITH NOT FEAR
o This is the time for building faith.
o Use children’s Bible stories and prayer
o Keep it simple with a children’s bible.
o Emphasize God’s love and patience,
o Avoid threats of hell and damnation.
o You want your child to sleep at night!

SEX ABUSE
o This child may have fears about darkness etc.
o Know the areas of safety for touching and hugging.
o Never touch the torso below the shoulders or above the knees.

THE KEY
o Chart hours of sleep and wake up without difficulty
o Starting a new schedule "cold turkey" is not a good idea
 Instead, Decide on a sleep schedule
 First, practice it on the first night
 Then, add the schedule gradually
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BEGINNING OF CHANGE
o Goover the old schedule before starting the new one.
o If you weren’t using one, talk over the problems
o Explain that you are making changes in the bedtime
o Show them the chart if you are using one and explain what you
will do with it.
o Reassure them that you want them to sleep well and it’s not
intended as a punishment.
o Never threaten or punish them about their sleep habits; it
will only make things worse
o Try the schedule first with a walk through.
o If bedtime is usually 10pm, and you want it earlier (9 pm)
o Have bedtime 9:50 the first night,
o 9:40 the second night, and so on,
o Until they are in bed by 9:00pm.
o Keep track for a couple of weeks to see how their sleep habit
look before you change anything.
o You may decide after a closer look that no change is needed
o Or you may get some ideas for making adjustments.

That’s pretty much all there is to it. Time and effort is all it takes to
raise a child up in the way they should go so they will not depart.
Remember, love is patient and kind, always there for our children, not
rejecting or condemning them. When Jesus was baptized, God spoke:
“This is my beloved son in whom I am well pleased”
Upon becoming believers we too are God’s beloved. While he may not
always approve of our attitude and behavior, God loves us no matter and
is well pleased that we have accepted Christ as our Savior. Therefore,
let your children know they are your beloved in whom you are pleased,
even though you do not always like their attitude and behavior.

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Appendix A
Developing a Godly Relationship with Your Parents

Exodus 20:12 ‐ "Honor your father and your mother so that you may live long in the
land the Lord your God is giving you."
Exodus 21:15 ‐ "Anyone who attacks his father or his mother must be put to death."
This is not an excuse for parents to murder their children but an example of how serious
God is regarding disobedience. He knows that disobedience leads to destruction and a
life of chaos while discipline for teaching obedience to a childhelps keep them on track.
Thus, the home is guarded, parents protected, and a child’s behavior well-managed.
Proverbs 1:8 ‐ "Listen, my son, to your father's instruction and do not forsake your
mother's teaching.”
Proverbs 10:1 ‐ "The proverbs of Solomon: A wise son brings joy to his father, but a
foolish son grief to his mother."
Proverbs 23:25 ‐ "May your father and mother be glad; may she who gave you birth
rejoice!"
Proverbs 31:26‐31 ‐ "She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: "Many
women do noble things, but you surpass them all." Charm is deceptive, and beauty is
fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Give her the reward she has
earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.”
Psalm 103:13 ‐ "As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has
compassion on those who fear him;"
Proverbs 3:11‐12 ‐ "My son, do not despise the LORD's discipline and do not resent his
rebuke; the LORD disciplines those he loves, as a father [a] the son he delights in
Proverbs 23:24 ‐ "The father of a righteous man has great joy; he who has a wise son
delights in him."
Colossians 3:21 ‐ "Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become
discouraged."

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Appendix B
Proverbs for Parents
1:1‐9 The proverbs of Solomon son of David, king of Israel: for attaining wisdom and
discipline; for understanding words of insight; for acquiring a disciplined and prudent
life, doing what is right and just and fair; for giving prudence to the simple, knowledge
and discretion to the young‐‐ let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the
discerning get guidance‐‐ for understanding proverbs and parables, the sayings and
riddles of the wise. The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge, but fools
despise wisdom and discipline. Listen, my son, to your father's instruction and do not
forsake your mother's teaching. They will be a garland to grace your head and a chain
to adorn your neck.
3:21‐26
My son, preserve sound judgment and discernment, do not let them out of your sight;
they will be life for you, an ornament to grace your neck. Then you will go on your way
in safety, and your foot will not stumble; when you lie down, you will not be afraid;
when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.
Have no fear of sudden disaster or of the ruin that overtakes the wicked, for the LORD
will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being snared.
4:20‐22
My son, pay attention to what I say; listen closely to my words. Do not let them out of
your sight, keep them within your heart; for they are life to those who find them and
health to a man's whole body.
5:11‐14
At the end of your life you will groan, when your flesh and body are spent. You will say,
"How I hated discipline! How my heart spurned correction! I would not obey my
teachers or listen to my instructors.
I have come to the brink of utter ruin in the midst of the whole assembly."
5:22‐23
The evil deeds of a wicked man ensnare him; the cords of his sin hold him fast. He will
die for lack of discipline, led astray by his own great folly.
6:20‐23
My son, keep your father's commands and do not forsake your mother's teaching. Bind
them upon your heart forever; fasten them around your neck. When you walk, they
will guide you; when you sleep, they will watch over you; when you awake, they will
speak to you. For these commands are a lamp, this teaching is a light, and the
corrections of discipline are the way to life. . .
10:1 A wise son brings joy to his father, but a foolish son grief to his mother.
12:1 Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates correction is stupid.

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13:1 A wise son heeds his father's instruction, but a mocker does not listen to rebuke.
13:18 He who ignores discipline comes to poverty and shame, but whoever heeds
correction is honored.
13:24 He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves his child disciplines
15:5 A fool spurns discipline, but whoever heeds correction shows wisdom.
15:10 Stern discipline awaits him who leaves the path; he who hates correction will die.
15:20 A wise son brings joy to his father, but a foolish man despises his mother.
17:6 Children are a crown to the aged, and parents are the pride of their children.
17:21 To have a fool for a son brings grief; there is no joy for the father of a fool.
17:25 A foolish son brings grief to his father and bitterness to the one who bore him.
19:13 A foolish son is his father's ruin, ...
19:18 Discipline your child so there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death.
19:26 He who robs his father and drives out his mother brings shame and disgrace.
19:27 Stop listening to instruction, and you will stray from the words of knowledge.
22:6 Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.
22:15 Folly is in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him.
23:13 Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him, he will not die.
23:14 Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death.
29:15 Correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother.
29:17 Discipline your son, and he will give you peace; he will bring delight...
From the NIV Bible
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