CONFLICT HACK

FOR COUPLES
THIS FLOODING PROTOCOL MAY BE THE
KEY TO TRANSFORMING CONFLICT WITH
YOUR PARTNER.

Jordan Dann
 The intention of this guide is to
provide a little bit of attachment
theory along with a practical
protocol that you and your partner
can implement to interrupt the
escalation of conflict.

JORDAN DANN
Trauma-Informed
Somatic Therapy for
Individuals and
Couples in NYC &
beyond
 THE NECESSITY OF
ATTACHMENT AND THE
RESULTING FORMATION OF
OUR NEUROPHYSIOLOGY
*neurophysiology
n. a branch of neuroscience that is concerned with the normal and
abnormal functioning of the nervous system, including the chemical
and electrical activities of individual neurons

Decades of research have revealed that childhood

experiences interact with our genetics to change the
structure and function of our brain. Our earliest
attachment experiences with our caregivers play a
crucial role in our *neurophysiology, which is in part a
result of our brain circuitry, designed to ensure
attachment to our caregivers which is necessary for
survival.
Attachment serves two basic functions. First, attachment ensures
the child remains close to the caregiver to receive basic care
such as food, warmth, and protection. Second, attachment
“programs” the brain. This “attachment programming” informs
emotional experience, cognition, and behavior. Our attachment
programming remains pretty much hardwired throughout life;
that is, unless we begin to feel that this attachment
programming is hindering our capacity for comfort or
connection, at which point we may decide to seek therapy and
set about reengineering our attachment program.

A child learns to attach to their caregiver

regardless of the quality of care received, even if
the caregiver is abusive, unavailable, inconsistent,
or neglectful.

While this “body-brain” program has immediate benefits that

help an infant to survive regardless of the quality of care
received, over time these attachment adaptations can come
at a high cost. Traumatic experiences interact with genetics
to change the structure and function of the brain, comprising
emotional and cognitive development and initiating a
potential pathway to maladaptive strategies that hinder
connection in adult relationships. Neurobiological research
on animals suggests that trauma during attachment is
processed differently by the brain, and that maternal
presence can dramatically impact the amygdala, the fear
center of the brain.
 Attachment and Human
Development: “From the
cradle to the grave”
British psychoanalyst John Bowlby wrote that human attachment
patterns tracked in infant-caregiver interactions continue to play
a vital role in human development “from the cradle to the
grave.” Over the past forty years, infant researchers have been
expanding their understanding of childhood attachments and
how they’re intimately linked with patterns of interpersonal
relationships throughout life. Attachment theory provides a
theoretical framework for understanding adult relationships, and
this perspective can shift focus from the security of an individual
to focus upon the shared responsibility of how a couple can
create security in the relationship.
Both infant-caregiver AND adult relationship are
characterized by the following:

1. Proximity-seeking: behaviors that seek to restore

closeness with the attachment figure
2. Safe-haven behavior: returning to the attachment
figure for comfort and safety in the face of fear or
threat
3. Separation distress: discomfort and anxiety felt by
an individual upon losing contact with an attachment
figure
4. Secure-base behavior: A secure base is an
attachment figure with whom a child has developed a
secure attachment. This attachment figure serves as a
base of security allowing the child to explore the
environment with confidence. In adult relationships the
secure base phenomenon continues, and the degree
of security that is available and is able to be
internalized by the adult allows for ongoing novelty of
experience to be felt as exciting, reachable, and part
of an ever-expanding sense of self.
Dr. Sue Johnson, creator of Emotional
Focusing Therapy, offers an expediated
acronym for adult attachment bounds
that also follow our understanding of
secure attachment: A.R.E.

Couples need to be able to ask one

another: A.R.E. you there for me?
A stands for accessible
R stands for responsive
E stands for engaged
 What does all of this mean for adult
attachment bonds?

From the beginning of life, we are learning to pay

attention to what our caregivers need in order to
provide us with care. Even while we are still in our
mother’s womb, we are learning how to adapt and
modify ourselves (and our cells!) in order to maintain
attachment. While this adaptation is a necessary and
miraculous biological function, this can also be an
incredibly complicated hindrance, depending upon
whom our caregivers need us to be over time.
 The window of tolerance is the zone of arousal
where our nervous systems are most regulated;
we feel a sense of safety and are able to
function, communicate, and connect most
effectively. When we leave this zone, we go into
our survival mode of "fight, flight, freeze, or
fawn.”

In adulthood, when our attachment bonds are threatened — or

in many cases, when we merely perceive that they are
threatened — our survival system will mobilize to protect us.
The most universal experience of threat to our attachment
occurs during conflict when many of us leave our *window of
tolerance and can enter a survival response that may take any
of the following forms, or combinations thereof:
Fight response can look like anger, yelling, expanding the
body, blaming, criticizing, or chasing after someone.
Flight response can look like leaving the room, storming
off, or emotionally withdrawing.
Freeze response can look like shutting down, going
numb, not feeling anything.
Fawn response can look like pacifying your partner,
agreeing with their perspective, or apologizing in order to
end the conflict.
When we are outside our
window of tolerance, we get
disconnected from the parts of
our brain that allow us to think,
problem-solve, connect,
empathize, and communicate
effectively. When we are
activated or “flooded,” we don’t
Central to a
have access to safety and so it couple’s
becomes difficult to be curious,
patient, and compassionate. If sense of
we don’t feel safe in our bodies,
it becomes impossible to hold
safety and
onto ourselves and walk across security is
the bridge to also notice what
it’s like for our partner. This is the ability
why establishing and
to regulate
committing to a “flooding
protocol” can support couples emotion
to step away until safety is
reestablished and they have within the
reentered their window of relationship.
tolerance.
 FLOODING PROTOCOL

The reason the conflict issue at hand has become so “hot” is

because it is touching one or both of you very deeply. There is
something important for both of you in hot moments — some
feelings, need, value, principle — that needs to be expressed,
heard, and honored. This is the direction you want to head.

FIRST:
Come to an agreement that both of you will stop any
interaction between you when either begins to notice that
you are moving outside of your window of tolerance.

SECOND:
Agree on a nonverbal signal or phrase that will not evoke
defensiveness in one another. Verbal cues have a greater
tendency to evoke defensiveness, so you might come up with
a hand signal such as a flat palm in the air. This hand signal is
for you to let your partner know that you are taking care of
your nervous system, and by extension you are caring for the
relationship. DO NOT put your hand in your partner’s face;
respect their body boundary and place your hand close to
your own body.
If you prefer a verbal cue you might try:
“I’m feeling activated right now.”
“I need to pause this conversation.”
“I’m outside my window of tolerance.”
“I need to take a break and come back later when I am
feeling more regulated.”
Agree to use this signal when one or both of you is flooded
OR when the conversation is deteriorating. When the signal is
given, all communication stops. If one of you leaves the room
to take a break, the other person should not follow. Take time
to come back into regulation, then follow the steps below.

THIRD:
The person who calls for the time-out is responsible for:
1. Remembering the issue discussed.
2. Once calm, discussing with your partner when would be a
good time to sit down and calmly discuss the
disagreement —at least one hour and no more than seven
days later.
3. Soothing yourselves during this time. This is critical.
Resume the conversation only when both of you are calm.
4. Choosing a process with which to discuss the topic. I
highly recommend Imago Dialogue or Nonviolent
Communication as a dialogical structure. Otherwise, try
agreeing that you’ll take turns speaking and each of you
will summarize what you’ve heard one another say. The
goal here is to listen deeply and to make space for your
DIFFERENT experiences.
 NOTE: Some couples have the agreement that once a
time-out has been given, the person who requested it
will send a sweet text to the other — something
reassuring, something comforting. I’ve seen couples
agree simply on a “Hello” to something more, such as
“We’ll get through this. I love you.” If this fits for you,
discuss this and come to some agreement.

Remember that the key to courageous and

healthy communication involves:
Wanting to make the experience inside of the
relationship better for your partner
Taking a leap of faith and revealing your
vulnerability (on repeat)
Offering responsible self-disclosure (awareness of
self and partner)
Staying curious about your partner’s needs and
experience
Holding your partner’s subjective experience
alongside your own

Remember that the more highly charged topics will most

likely need to be revisited several times in order to reach
deeper understanding and a feeling of resolution. Try
agreeing on a shared understanding that each time
you and your partner experience a “trigger” that it
is an invitation to heal the wounds of the past.
HEAL FROM TRAUMA AND FIND INNER
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Trauma lives on in both the mind and

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