By: Jennine Estes, M.A.

, IMF

Defensive behavior is one of the leading causes of on-going painful conflicts within a relationship, the type which can lead to long term
damage. Defensive behavior sends the message to your partner that their experiences and ideas are wrong, and that you are in the right. However, as you may have seen, in these situations, a well meaning defense can quickly turn into a battle where each side is unwilling to give in. The Communication Battle Attack: History is full of those moments when a true defense was necessary. In romantic medieval times, when a person was attacked, they defended themselves. They pulled out their armor, a shield and sword, and prepared to do battle. This response was due their desire to protect their own safety. Thinking back to the previous situation, when during an interchange if your partner is in a defensive position, it is generally because they dont feel safe and possibly feel attacked. This leads them to put on their armor for their own protection, and then pick up their own sword and attack. This situation is what I call a Communication Battle. Situations such as these break down the family unit and place the combatants on opposing sides, fighting against each other in a vicious pattern, one that creates little positive communication. Defensive behaviors can also be a sign of deeper communication issues. Sometimes, no matter how carefully someone addresses an issue with you, you automatically go into defense mode. This common response is often learned at a young age; when tough situations arise, each of us naturally reacts in a certain way. This reaction becomes a crutch to help us through situations where we need help coping with our own insecurities. However, we often become dependant on our crutches, and choose to keep them around far longer than they are actually needed. If this sounds like you, it will take more of an effort to remove the crutch and change this behavior. Defensive Behaviors, like many common communication issues often become exacerbated by poor communication skills. In relationships, it is often easier to point out how your partner needs to change than to work as a team to confront the issue together. The most important thing to remember in this situation is that people change when they want to, not when we want them to.

The key to creating change in unhealthy communication patterns is to create a supportive environment, where both partners are working to communicate effectively. This places responsibility on both partners, allowing each to have a stake in the outcome. Relationships are like a baby mobile, if you tug on one side, everything changes. If you shift your behavior, your partner will automatically have to shift their behavior in response. Make sure you move in the right direction, allowing you partners behavior to move in the same way. All this change is often

overwhelming, placing us in situations where we once again start to rely on our safe, comfortable, old crutches. However, no movement can happen if we continually rely on our crutches for support. It may be time to remember how to walk on your own again, leaving the crutches behind. Leaving the crutches behind is not easy, but do not fear, it can be done. Learning to walk unaided again takes a lot of willingness and self exploration, topics which a therapist can assist you with. In my practice, I foster a collaborative exploration in which I ask directing questions; questions which require you to look deep inside, and determine what your crutches are.

Quick Tips to Deal with Defensive Behaviors: Keep track of how often you get defensive, use a notebook so an accurate record is kept. What did you say? How was your tone of voice? What was your body language saying? Keeping track helps you become more aware of your own behaviors. Awareness is Key in creating change in life. Next time you begin feeling attacked, dont surrender, withdraw, or attack back. Instead of becoming defensive try to understand where your partner is coming from. Ask meaningful questions about how they feel, and express how you feel. Start Individual or couples counseling. You can gain insight and a larger understanding of where this and other negative behaviors come from, why they happen, and how to decrease them. Experiment with trying something different. Next time you notice yourself becoming defensive, try doing something different. Notice how your partner reacts. Does he/she react differently? Where they less or more reactive? Look for the smallest change, because changes start small. Remember the mobile, and remember that each change will bring about more changes. Of course, no one can be completely rid of their own defensive behaviors; however, we can always decrease our reactivity to create a safe and caring environment for our partner. The safer (emotionally) it is for your partner, the safer your partner will make it for you. They will follow by example.

Self Development Site

Dr JOY Madden
BellaOnline's Self Development Editor

Defensive Behaviour and Body Language

People have exhibited defensive behaviour and defensive body language from prehistoric times as part and parcel of defending their territories, food, families, etc. In todays more polite world, unless you are at war, you no longer defend your property and beliefs with violence. It is far more subtle but it still has a significant effect on both parties. WHAT makes you show Defensive Behaviour ? So how does your body defend you? When you are in an uncomfortable situation, your body tries to warn and protect you from what it perceives to be imminent danger. It is its way of protecting you from incidents that are damaging or ones that make you feel uncomfortable. It does not matter if these feelings are real or are simply your perception of the situation. Your body immediately goes into defensive mode when it thinks you are being: * Judged * Told off

* Scorned * Attacked * Criticized * Threatened * Manipulated * Reprimanded * Made to look inferior * Made to feel vulnerable * The list goes on HOW do you exhibit your Defensive Behaviour ? Everyone reacts in different ways. You might want to confront the other person, you might walk away from the situation or you might freeze and not know what to do next. Most people automatically experience one or more of the following: * You become silent * You start to perspire * You feel quite sick inside * Your heart pounds harder * You get a rush of adrenaline * Your shoulders hunch forward * Your eyes look towards the ground * Your body take a few steps backwards * Your face goes red as more blood flow to it * Your body tries to make itself appear smaller * You feel confused as your brain tries to lock down

You see defensive behaviour throughout the animal kingdom. Just some examples include cats hissing, foxes baring their teeth, wasps stinging, dogs snarling, bears standing up on their back legs, tigers swiping their claws menacingly in the air, puffer fish blowing themselves up, hairs standing on end, feathers ruffling, and so on. In essence, they occur to make the animal appear larger, more frightening, etc., in an attempt to make the other animal back off. Humans living in built-up cities no longer need defensive tactics for fending off predators. However, you do retain a natural instinct to exhibit defensive body language such as showing your agitation by shouting, waving your arms about wildly, etc. However, this sort of behaviour is not always acceptable in polite society and especially in a work environment. So instead, your body might go into defensive mode that is more subtle. You might: * Cross your legs * Sit back in your chair * Raise your eyebrows * Stare back angrily at the other person * Cross or fold your arms across your body * Place an item between you and the other person to act as a barrier (this could be as small as a pen or as large as a piece of furniture!) WHY is it important to understand Defensive Behaviour It is said that defensive behaviours stem from fears that are based on experiences that you have had in the past. They can also signify deep communication issues. Once you realise what your underlying fear is, it is possible to stop your body from going into defensive mode at those times. Why should you be aware of this? If you look at people who are considered to be great leaders, they have the characteristic of being quite calm and collected no matter what hits them. They could be people at the top of their field or profession, as well as leaders at home such as great mothers, fathers, carers, etc. They have mastered the ability to control their defensive behaviours. For your own personal growth and self development, this is a very useful skill to acquire and develop. How you can do this is covered in the article entitled Defensive Behaviour and How To Deal With It see the link below.

Defensive barriers to communication - interpersonal relations by James M. Richadson Comments 1 2 Next

Defensive Barriers to Communication Defensive behaviors can be the result of a: * Challenge to private or public perceptions of ourselves. * Desire to be perfect in the public's eye. * Lack of self-confidence. * Fear of being found to be less than what was previously thought. * Fear of a loss of status. * Fear of rejection. Defensiveness is often a reflection of insecurity in individuals. It tends to distort questions into accusations and responses into justifications. [1] There is a little wonder that effective communication often ends when the speaker or listener becomes defensive. In response to defensiveness, "attack or avoidance" replaces "fight or flight," in a self-perpetuating cycle of events, leading to more threats and accusations, and more defensive behaviors and counterattacks. The reference here is not to physical threats to safety. It is the threat of challenge, the fear of losing the ability to control, predict, or know ourselves. Ego and prestige are threatened. Our self-image may include the perception that we are honest, ethical, reliable, trustworthy, truthful, responsible, intelligent, congenial, generous, etc. A significant threat to a self-image leaves us with basically two alternatives--accept or ignore the threat, or protect the self-image by defensive behaviors. Defensiveness makes us feel uncomfortable, hostile, and/or guilty. It causes obvious emotional and physical tension. It can make us perspire and speak in a rapid, higher pitched voice. We are likely to become angry, aggressive, or withdrawn. If defensiveness is excessive, the outcome is predictably bad. Not only does the communication process end, but interpersonal relationships are injured, feelings are hurt, and the underlying cause of the conflict remains unresolved. We attempt to construct an image of ourselves that is often unreal. It is an exaggeration, or a type of distortion of the truth. We do everything to protect that image, consciously and subconsciously. This tendency to protect our self-image is not always undesirable, especially when threats have a malicious or cruel intent. It is important for us to recognize 12 common defense mechanisms, [2] because most of them damage interpersonal relationships: * Rationalization * Compensation * Reaction formation * Projection

* Identification * Fantasy * Repression * Dependency or regression * Emotional insulation and apathy * Displacement * Undoing * Verbal aggression To "rationalization," from a psychological point of view, is to conceive of a logical axllanation that is untrue. It is a common tactic, sometimes unconsciously used, but it is easily recognized by the other party. "Compensation" is an attempt to cover up personal shortcomings, rather than admit to them or to face them directly. Responding is an exaggerated fashion, opposite to the way you actually feel, is the use of "reaction formation" as a defense mechanism. Accusing others, disowning your own faults and shortcomings, is an example of "projection." Our own undesirable trait is projected onto others. There is disregard for the other person or for how the projected statements, true or false, affect that person. Your integrity is placed at risk. Awareness of a lack of confidence, low self-esteem, and a poor self-image may make you try to hide that fact by "identification" with or imitation of others. "Repression" deals with a threatened self-image through denial that a certain thing is a problem or that the problem exists with you. This approach does not make the problem go away. Developing a degree of "dependency or regression" is another mechanism for denial of the existence of a problem. Rather than face the issue, the person becomes dependent on someone or on something or may regress to an earlier stage of development. The person who has had a painful emotional experience may resort to "emotional insulation and apathy" in order to avoid another episode of similar pain. In this situation, the person never deals with the underlying issue. For those who cannot respond directly to persons with whom they are at issue, "displacement" of anger and hostility onto innocent others who are not a threat to them may be the response. When there is personal guilt or a lack of self-confidence, "undoing" the act by apologizing or by performing a good deed may be the defense mechanism.

The use of "verbal aggression" is a common self-defense tactic. Attack the other person in a similar but stronger fashion than you were attacked. This diverts the focus from you and indicates that the other person is not perfect either. By recognizing the above mechanisms for defense of our self-image, we can realize that they are often used to defend unrealistic or untrue self-images. If used to an extreme, they can destroy our views of ourselves. The various mechanisms for defense are commonly used in combinations. We all use them at one time or another, but in small degrees. We must be aware that the use of defense mechanisms may be the only thing that keeps some people from going off the deep end. We must not try to remove essential defenses in such individuals. Because defensive behavior occurs when our self-image is threatened, and because it naturally increases between two opposing individuals after the behavior is started, we must be aware of exhibiting or producing defensive behavior so that it can be avoided. Evaluating a person, making judgments, showing control, manipulating, or showing indifference, superiority, or uncertainty can result in defensive behaviors. [3] On the other hand, opposites to these practices create supportive behaviors--asking non-judgmental questions to obtain information; having an orientation toward problem solving; showing spontaneity and naturalness; demonstrating emphaty and concern; interacting with a sense of equality, mutual trust, and respect; and having a willingness to listen to other ideas and to change. Defensiveness is a significant barrier to communication. It is caused by a threat to our selfimage, which we want to protect. Defensiveness often results in an end to effective communication. When used in excess, it can destroy the view we have of ourselves and interpersonal relationships, without resolving underlying problems. References [1] Lewis, P. Organizational Communication--The Essence of Effective Management, third edition. New York, N.Y.: John Wiley and Sons, 1987, pp. 105-48. [2] Adler, R., and Towne, N. Looking Out/Looking In--Interpersonal Communication, second edition. New York, N.Y.: Holt, Rinehart, and Winston, 1978, pp. 103-43. [3] Gibb, J. "Defensive Communication." Journal of Communication 11(3): 141-8, Sept. 1961. James M. Richardson, MD, FACP, FACPE, is Medical Director, Fairmont Hospital, San Leandro, Calif. He is a Distinguished Fellow of the College and an associate member of the College's Society of Hospitals.

Chapter 15: DEVELOPMENTAL ARRESTS, HUMAN DEFENSIVE BEHAVIOR, AND LIFE'S PATH

From the manuscript, "Neurorealism: A Transformational Context for Existence Bridging Brain and Mind, Science and Religion" by Bruce E. Morton, University of Hawaii School of Medicine, Honolulu, HI 96822 bemorton@hawaii.edu

CHAPTER SUMMARY During post-natal brain development, failure to gain control of a psychosocial behavioral process during its critical period creates a developmental failure, often called a developmental arrest or fixation. As a result, the individual becomes permanently unable to control the psychosocial process or operation in question. These terms further imply that subsequent developmental steps dependent upon the step that was failed cannot properly proceed. The person's subsequent attempts to compensate for this disability become habitual long-term defensive coping mechanisms. These become personal sticking points in life, and are the source of negative personality traits. By keeping the individual out of alignment with the universe, they literally block him or her from the natural flows of love, abundance, health, and joy that are available to all. There are a surprisingly large number of these life-long compensations. Most of these originate from the survival repertoire carried by the brain core system-Id, the unconscious source of all this efforting. Thus, it is said that "what we get in life is what we wanted" in spite of one's conscious left hemispheric goals which may be quite the opposite. This further reinforces the view that left hemispheric consciousness is a relatively powerless source of behavioral control. Because we unknowingly, but loudly broadcast and display our defenses for all to see and respond, the often negative reactions this creates in others powerfully shapes our experience of life. Thus, we actually end up being the cause of essentially everything that happens to us. Furthermore, we try to avoid being out of control so hard that our own defenses end up creating the very things we are resisting the most, thus the old saying, "He who lives by the sword, shall die by the sword." Critical period developmental arrests are the source of the following negative personality traits derived from the hexadyad primary emotions: uncertainty, anxiousness, resentfulness, moroseness-apathy, unsatisfyability-greed, and negativity. Further so-called "life script" decisions often result, including, I'm not OK!, You are not OK!, or "I need help!". A large set of face-saving or otherwise defensive compensations then evolve to minimize additional failure. These originate from the brain core system and include, domination of others, winning at all costs, insistence on being right, excessive possessiveness, incessantly trying to change things, survival acts, certain stress disorders, and the activation of the developmental arrest repair program (DARP). The classical "ego defenses" are brain core-driven, limbic compensations for failure in the control of a process. These include, acting out, compensation, denial, displacement, fantasy, identification, infatuation, intellectualization, introjection, isolation, projection, rationalization, reaction formation, regression, repression, sublimation, and undoing. In addition, illusions and delusions are brain core-driven, right hemisphere system inner visual reality compensations supporting the ego defenses. Production of guilt by the

conscience is the cerebellar Source's response to all these dishonest antisocial brain core-driven compensations resulting from the failure to gain control of a process. Reasons for failure to control include, choosing inappropriate premature goals, lack of earlier developmental foundations, thwarting by others, failure of control due to lack of opportunity, and the activation of one's survival act or of one's DARP. The consequences of failure to control include, the production of upset and negative emotions, and the production of excessive resistance to being controlled by others. It is possible to gain self-control in spite of developmental arrests. Knowledge of the ancient origin, existence, and function of each of these defenses for lack of control, gives the opportunity to step back from their compulsive, inappropriate expression in society. It also gives the opportunity to use one's Source as a guide to create useful, intentional responses based upon its revealed personal plan for one's future. By working backwards from this inspiration, one can begin to install the steps for its successful accomplishment in one's life.

The chapter begins. During post-natal brain development, failure to gain control of a psychosocial behavioral process during its critical period creates a developmental failure, often called a developmental arrest or fixation. As a result, the individual becomes permanently unable to control the psychosocial process or operation in question. These terms further imply that subsequent developmental steps that depend upon the failed one may not proceed. The person's subsequent attempts to compensate for this disability become habitual long-term defensive coping mechanisms. These become personal sticking points in life, as will become evident from this chapter. By keeping the individual out of alignment with the universe, they literally block him or her from the natural flows of love, abundance, health, and joy that are available to all. There are a surprisingly large number of these compensations. Since we (a subconscious part of us) are the source of all this efforting, it is said that "what we get is what we wanted" in spite of our often exactly opposite conscious desires. This also reinforces the view that left hemispheric consciousness is a relatively powerless source of behavioral control. Because we unknowingly, but loudly broadcast and display our defenses for all to see and respond, the often negative reactions drawn from others (because of our misalignment, our poor choice of friends ("misery loves company"), and our distorted plan of action) powerfully shape our experience of life. Thus, we actually end up causing essentially everything that happens to us. Furthermore, we try to avoid being out of control so much that our own defenses end up creating the very things we are resisting the most. This is one of the meanings of the old saying, "He who lives by the sword, will die by the sword."

CRITICAL PERIOD DEVELOPMENTAL ARRESTS ARE THE SOURCE OF NEGATIVE PERSONALITY TRAITS.

If in childhood, a developmental operation, such as a specific psychosocial skill, is not mastered before its critical period window closes, the individual will remain unable to perform that process. In addition, as things have stood, they would not ever be able to learn it properly in the future. This concept has not been appreciated by the public at large. Furthermore, as a result of this psychosocial disability, every time they try to do the operation they will, not only be confronted with their own personal failure, but also see the success of others who have mastered it. As a result they will regularly be upset and experience some or all of the following responses, together with their associated six primary negative emotions:

Stimulus: I CAN'T DO IT!! (Failure) Responses: Primary Negative Emotions: CONFUSION FEAR ANGER GRIEF DESIRE Primary Negative Personality Traits Uncertainty Anxiousness Resentfulness Moroseness-apathy Dissatisfaction-greed Negativity

a. I don't know how! b. I am weaker than it! c. I am at effect, a victim! d. I am losing! e. I want!

f. I reject other substitutes! DISGUST

Daily failure and the consequent regular experience of negative emotions can permanently alter the personality. Earlier injury to one's self-concept development may also have occurred, due to pre-opening demands for performance by the parent, which could not be met and may have resulted in upset and rejection by the parents. Now, these post-opening failures add another source of harm to the development of self-respect. Ultimately, the person begins to manifest permeating elements of the primary negative personality traits, listed above. This is illustrated by such sayings as, "Watch your thoughts, they become words, deeds, habits, and then you". With time, a certain fatalistic malaise becomes layered onto the personality as the effect of habitual failure. The following are examples of common so-called "life script" decisions which often result: 1. I'M NOT OK! 2. YOU ARE NOT OK! 3. I NEED HELP! (What's wrong with me? I have "bum" equipment!) (Why are you stopping-harming me? Its all your fault!) (I can't do it by myself! I can't figure it out! Help me!)

Furthermore, a large set of face-saving or otherwise defensive compensations then evolve to minimize further failure. These will be discussed next.

THE CONSEQUENCES OF A DEVELOPMENTAL ARREST ARE THE LONG-TERM PRODUCTION OF DEFENSIVE BEHAVIORS TO COMPENSATE FOR LACK OF CONTROL OF A PROCESS These are so widespread, indeed almost universal, that they are often considered normal. Direct Compensations by the Brain Core System for Lack of Control of a Process: By the time of the reptiles, the brain core system had evolved many compensations which could later be used for lack of control of an operation. They were part of the serial escalation sequence of the application of increasing power in an attempt to gain control. This early inheritance still shapes the behavior of higher animals, including humans. However, at the level of a same species group, they do not work, are not appropriate, and are a source of harm to society. 1. Domination of Others. The first of these compensations demands that the individual must avoid being dominated by others with more control, but must instead dominate everybody with less. Doing so may also allow the individual to avoid having to control the process at which the dominator is incompetent. For example, forcing others to write one's correspondence will compensate for one's inability to read and write. If they fail, the others would learn their fatal flaw, and could take the advantage of it. This creates a reptilian orientation toward power and status as elements of a continuing dominance hierarchy. Furthermore, the Dragon compensation of, "We'll do it my way, or no way at all!", as a means of resistance of control by others, often forces the compromised director to reject valuable information, opportunities, or assistance from others. This can cause an unnecessary partial or total paralysis of accomplishment. Obviously, dominating others is usually not the same as working toward the health of the herd, and is the antithesis of the service orientation of the Source. 2. Winning at all Costs. As another defense to compensate for an individual's lack of control, they must win against all others. This defensive need to compete is the opposite of cooperation within the group. Because of this, an individual is driven to look good, and always must somehow create the perception of being superior to others. Later, this can lead to the solidification of strategies that once seemed to work, but now have become bad habits or inappropriate compulsions. 3. Being Right. Another compensation, tied to the defense of needing to win, is the need to be right at all costs. Here, value judgments, interpretations, and emotions can become enrolled in avoiding loss of control of other aspects of behavior. To accomplish this, the defense can enroll the rationalization power of the left hemisphere system to lie to oneself or others, rather than admit being wrong. Clearly, this is the opposite of contributing the facts to the other herd members, regardless their its short-term consequences to oneself. 4. Possessiveness. Compulsive possessiveness is another substitute for lack of control. Here the individual clings to the supports of significant possessions, positions of power, even relationships, in an attempt to avoid falling out of control. It reminds one of an erstwhile ice skater who cannot skate because he is hugging the railing so hard for fear of falling. This is also

an inherent problem in brain core system-based leadership styles, so common today. The possessiveness defense also behaves as if "more is better", and causes one greedily to try and grasp onto everything. This behavior is also the opposite of unselfish sharing with the family or group. 5. Trying to Change Things. Another compensation for failure to control an operation is the attempt to improve an approach that already doesn't work, by applying more, different, or better efforts to it. Although one can try to butt one's head against a wall harder, perhaps sideways, or with a helmet on, the barrier will never be surmounted. That is, dead flies often lie on the sill of a glass window in a room with an open door. Trying to change one's approach within an inappropriate context is the source of struggles, which actually backfire by actively creating the problem being resisted (the wall), the associated suffering (sore head), and thus our negative experience of life (unfair-unknowable). The inevitable failure of the short sighted "Change it" approach leads to apathy and resignation. 6. Survival Acts. A major defense to compensate for being out of control is the formation and use of a "survival act" mechanism. This is a brain core "deceptive" camouflage is used to interface with the world in such a way as to place distance between the "failed" self and external threats. These deceptions are technically a lie, in the same sense that the chameleon's genetically selected "imitation" what it is not, is also technically a lie. While the survival act may have worked once as a compensation for being out of control, these automaticities become fixed and take on such a life of their own that in many people, occasionally nobody seems to be at home. The survival act-turned oceanliner autopilot is in charge while the one who should be captain cringes or sleeps inside the cabin. Examples of survival acts include becoming Mr. Nice Guy, Miss Helper, Mr. Funny Boy, Miss Daddy's Special Girl, Mr. Helpless, Miss Tell `Em What They Want to Hear, Mr. Know-itall, Miss Hide it, Mr. Workaholic, or Miss Moneybags. Some of the these acts have worked brilliantly over the short-term. Others hardly worked at all. But none could replace their relinquished and unacceptable true self who had to be put permanently in "cold storage". And none of these creations could ever substitute for actually being in control of one's own belonging to the group. Regardless of the consequences of these crises, the child's coping solution is retained and used repeatedly to deal with later threats to relatedness. By adulthood these defensive solutions, whose origins often have become lost to the individual, become established as a major element of personality. Then, they take on a life of their own, as autopilot-like automaticities which regularly substitute for being here now. As a result sometimes the tanker runs aground. What is the mechanism for the formation of the survival act? We can begin to sketch in the following possibilities. For many people, failure to master control of their relationships with their nuclear family ultimately results in a type of crises where it appears to them that they will be cut off and literally left behind helpless to survive unless they make some drastic changes in themselves. This can occur during early childhood development, due to perceived threats of, or especially due to episodes of actual abandonment. These crises can also occur at a later preadolescent age due to family conflicts which appear to threaten the child's security, or which

actually result in desertion and/or abuse. The crisis can occur after puberty, by the threat of being forced to live on one's own, or by actually being thrown out. These threats to security cause the individual to attempt to solve their perceived problem of belonging to the family. That is, because of fear of survival, they develop a defensive compensation to cope with the threat of being cut off from family roots of support. Multiple personalities appear to be developed if additional survival acts must be formed to combat other types of abuse, possibly from different abusive persons also somehow associated with the family unit. An individual's survival act powerfully shapes their social relations, acting like filters which distort what they hear, so as to fit their own life's story about something that once went wrong. Thus, because these acts are attempted solutions to ancient problems of belonging, they make it difficult or impossible for the "actor" to have satisfactory relationships in the present. As will be discussed later, one can obtain both temporary and long-term relief from one's survival act. This process begins by first recognizing its existence in the lives of other people, then in one's own self. Next comes the recognition of the robotic nature of one's act, and that, as a solution for a past problem, it is an inherently unsatisfactory substitute for living in the present. The acceptance of one's habitual survival act for what it is, gives momentary relief from it which allow the choice of other possibilities more appropriate to the here and now. 7. Stress Disorders. Ultimately, to be out of control is to be in danger of death. Because of this, failure of a maturing individual to control a process or event actually causes them psychological trauma. This traumatization produces the psychic wounds that do not heal. Thus, intense suffering related to the thwarting of critical periods of psychosocial development creates a generally unrecognized form of stress disorder and that is directly related to post-traumatic stress disorder production in adults. Developmental arrest stress disorders are tied to traumatic subconscious memories of repeated failures, often in spite of the most intense struggle to succeed. These are accompanied by later automatic inappropriate repeated alarms and associated negative emotions associated with subcortical fear of death from loss of control. Associated abnormal sensitivities, produced by stimulus generalization, are also present. This is because processing of current stimuli related to historic incidents of dyscontrol restimulates the old wounds and resounds the same survival threat alarms. The prolonged or repeated inappropriate activation of biological alarm systems leads to stress, drug seeking behavior, immunosuppression, illness, depression, and several other negative consequences. As will be discussed in Chapter 22, certain stress disorders can be cured. 8. DARP Activation. Lastly, an extremely important brain core system lack of control compensation is the activation of a proposed developmental arrest repair program (DARP). Although this topic will be treated in detail in Chapter 16, it is useful to look at certain aspects of it here. DARP activation produces neurotic- psychotic behavior notoriously inappropriate to the here and now. This repair program includes the following elements which occur totally outside of normal consciousness: a) the use of arrest-driven infatuation to select one's mate, friends, and career, b) the use of involuntary age regression which results in inappropriate infantile behavior, c) the use of transference of original critical period players from one's childhood nuclear family onto current associates, causing the contamination of

ongoing relationships, and d) the unconscious use of "acting-out" of the arrested critical period theme. This unpleasantness is repeated endlessly, with increasing intensity in a form of kindling, is the source of domestic violence. These unconscious and outrageously justified DARP-driven repetitions are called one's "racket", "pattern", "running one's tape", or other derogatory labels. One interpretation of this repetitiveness is that in daily life the DARP appears to be defective or disabled and thus attempts to persevere in its attempts to gain control of a critical period operation in a manner called perseveration (inflexible perserverence). If so, the DARP flaw may be due to a defect in its associated learning system. That is, when the lesson in control doesn't get learned, the volume gets turned up and is repeated louder. However, at some point further increases in volume make it further impossible to learn and apparently result in a feed-forward loop of behavior analogous to the shriek of a maladjusted loudspeaker system. This could well be considered to be a kindled seizure of rage, and suggests some potential pharmacological approaches to DARP-driven episodic dyscontrol (Chapter 16). By DARP activation, the individual is ultimately forced to create the outcomes in life that we have historically resisted the most. Depending upon how this is done, this results in increased suffering for all involved, or (very rarely at present) results in the permanent healing of the developmental wound (Chapter 16). The latter removes the early development fixation and allows movement on to the next critical period in the development of a whole human being.

"Ego Defenses" are Brain Core-driven, Limbic Compensations for Failure in the Control of a Process The classical so-called "Ego Defenses" noticed by many, appear to be an evolutionarily created set of self-deceptions paradoxically to increase survival. Under conditions of severe duress, these have indeed increased short-term survival which is why they are still available to us. However, they do so at such a long-term cost that their use in stable society is avoided by mature individuals whenever they are recognized. That is, while excuses for failure may work for a while, in the long run, "nothing succeeds like success". The same can be said for the use of duplicity compared to fidelity, or any other substitute for the real, the common denominator of deception. The major ego defense compensations or substitutions for failure to control a process commonly include: 1. ACTING OUT = Replaces doing the uncontrollable process by the performance of some symbolic substitute. 2. COMPENSATION = Trying to use substitute methods to correct for failure to control the process. 3. DENIAL = As a way to avoid responsibility for failure, declaring the process is impossible to control.

4. DISPLACEMENT = Blaming and attacking someone weaker for one's failure to control the process. 5. FANTASY = Daydreaming about what you would do if you could control the process. 6. INFATUATION = Desperately wanting the help of a person who is imagined able to solve one's problem. 7. INTELLECTUALIZATION = Redefining lack of control so that dyscontrol becomes logically unavoidable. 8. IDENTIFICATION = Imitating one who can control the process to avoid one's own failure to control it. 9. INTROJECTION = Avoiding conflict by pretending to hold the values of one who can control the process. 10. ISOLATION = Remembering, but not feeling the consequences of not being able to control the process. 11. PROJECTION = Interpreting another's comments or actions as if they were out of control too. 12. RATIONALIZATION = Making pseudo-logical excuses for not being able to control the process. 13. REACTION FORMATION = Doing the opposite of the process so as to avoid needing to control it. 14. REGRESSION = Whining, crying, and raging like a child about not being able to control the process. 15. REPRESSION = Not remembering that one is unable to control the process. 16. SUBLIMATION = Doing something controllable to relieve the need to do the uncontrollable process. 17. UNDOING = Taking it back, doing something to cancel the harm of one's failure to control the process.

If this list of defenses seems long, it only supports the view, that, because of currently pervasive child-rearing practices, most of us are interfacing with society inappropriately using a collection of self-deceptive ego-defenses, rather than with external reality as mature human beings. It also suggests that a fully developed human being would be awesome, indeed. One of the most pernicious and pervasive of these ego defenses is the use of denial to declare that it is impossible to control the process. This enables people to avoid responsibility for the continuing behavioral consequences of their failure to gain control of the process. While on one hand, they are correct that at the present time they lack control, the fact that others who are more successful

with that critical period have effortless control of the process, should place the responsibility for failure where it belongs, during that critical period. It is ironic that in the evolution of humans there is no one with mastery already at the next level to give us a perspective of our yetunrealized human potential at that level. Instead, the use of denial leads to the creation of the central rationalizations of metaphysics. These basically say that control is beyond our grasp, and those who have gained it, did so only by "making a pact with the devil", or other excuses invoking supernatural false causes. The underlying appeal of this metaphysical denial is that we are absolved of responsibility for the consequences of our behavior as humans. Like the others, this self-pleasing ego defense evaporates in the light of the truth.

Illusions and Delusions are Brain Core-driven, Right Hemisphere System Compensations for Lack of Control of a Process As an additional compensation for being out of control, the brain core-driven right hemisphere can assist the left hemisphere ego defenses by the production of corroborative visual images in its internal reality. These distortions in one's perception of reality serve to reinforce the view of a false freedom from responsibility to control. This results in the creation of illusions, from which come excuses, rationalizations, "insane" (as defined as inappropriate to external reality, here and now) justifications, and even paranoid delusions. These defenses cause us desperately to reject and struggle against what Is. To justify our lack of control, we create the illusion that the universe is less than perfect and that we are powerless victims struggling against its evil. In our desperation, we compromise our central integrity. As a result, untold millions lie, cheat, steal, and even kill in unconscious misguided attempts by their brain core system to avoid the consequences of their developmental thwarting and consequent failure to control of the operations involved in selfhood.

The Cerebellar System Response to Brain Core-driven Compensations for the Inability to Control the Process is the Production of Guilt by the Conscience. The neocerebellar conscience does not share brain core-generated deceptive illusions. It responds by the production of the internal pain of guilt to the harm done to others brought about by one's unconscious attempts to avoid responsibility for control of an arrested process. Based upon the reciprocal wiring of the cerebellar, limbic, and brain core systems, it appears that the cerebellar system in theory can force the other two to produce the survival alarms of fear and dread to stop their own antisocial behavior. On the other hand, the two systems feeling the guilt can take counter-measures to suppress guilt, either mentally or by the consumption of drugs of abuse (Chapter 19). This includes the production of a twisted reptilian logic, incongruous with present, which seems more real than the external world and which cannot be reasoned with (Chapter 16). Sometimes, the brain core reaction to the production of moderate levels of guilt leads it to the direct formation of the "insane" logic that is commonly used to justify one's upsets. Reaction to the contact with stronger guilt can lead some to transform their illusions into paranoid delusions (Chapter 20).

SOURCES OF FAILURE TO CONTROL A DEVELOPMENTAL PROCESS What could lead to a failure to control? 1. Failure to Control due to Choosing Inappropriate, Premature Goals. One possibility that can account for developmental failure is the selection of an inappropriate or impossible process to control. In childhood, this often occurs because the specific critical period had not opened yet. Since the brain itself knows and signals by the child's current interests what it is ready to learn, usually the problem comes from well-meaning but uninformed parents who compulsively attempt to force their child towards a temporarily unattainable goal. An example of this is the premature attempt to toilet train a child whose voluntary control of anal and urethral sphincters has not yet developed. 2. Failure of Control due to Lack of Earlier Developmental Foundations. Failure to gain control can also result from an earlier arrest of a critical period of an operation whose mastery is required for to gain control of the present developmental step. For example to be able to run, requires control of the ability to stand and walk. 3. Failure of Control due to Thwarting by Others. Parents, siblings or other more powerful competitors can prevent gaining control of a process. For example, if a child cannot control an object, such as a teddy or a blanket because of hostile siblings or parents, the window can close upon an incompletion. This may create an adult-child with a character disorder or who must always control everything. This can be accentuated or complicated by the inappropriate giving over of one's control to another individual. 4. Failure of Control due to Lack of Opportunity. Control of a process is not possible if one is somehow isolated from the process or lacks access to the controlling elements of it. This can occur due to familial impoverishment, foundlings homes, or can be caused by external events beyond anyone's control. 5. Failure of Control due to Activation of One's Survival Act or One's DARP. Operating from one's survival act, rather than being here now, can lead to the lack of planning, or lack of attention required to control a process. The same can be said for the intense distraction resulting from DARP activation.

CONSEQUENCES OF FAILURE TO CONTROL There are many consequences that can result from failure to control an operation. However, they are all tied to the same thing: being powerless to start, change, stop, or reverse a process can threaten one's survival. 1. Production of Upset and Negative Emotions. This is why being out of control and powerless can so potently produce upset, accompanied by shouting and screaming and the production of any or all of the six primary negative emotions. Thus, surprise and confusion are

produced from ignorance of what to do, from unfulfilled expectations, or from unexpected circumstances. Fear is produced from the survival threat present when one cannot do what one intends, or cannot deliver one's communications. Rejection can be produced toward the harmful situation, or those causing it. Anger is often produced toward oneself or others responsible for loss of control. Grief is produced if one's powerlessness results in loss. And, overwhelming desire is produced if loss of control produces or prolongs need. 2. Production of Excessive Resistance to Being Controlled by Others. Resisting being controlled by others can be a very powerful drive. This is especially true when one is coming from the weak position of being unable to control an operation. This comparative lack of power also brings with it the vulnerability of becoming enslaved or abused. Short-sighted ways to resist domination come from the viewpoint of being a dependent victim at the effect of more powerful forces. Some of these ways include, automatically assuming that others are enemies, fighting for independence, competing rather than cooperating, avoiding the even better solutions of others, rejecting another's truth, or other passive aggressive-behavior. Other avoidance motives include the more primitive victim-like behaviors, such as keeping one's distance, sneaking, hiding, lying, and cheating, stealing, and killing. Other quite different ways to avoid control by others come from the context of being an independent, at-cause source. Actually, these behaviors are not intentionally planned as farsighted domination-avoidance skills, but are the inherent behaviors of one who is in control, Technically, they all are forms of manipulation or domination. However, at this level since altruism will always have consequences upon the receiver, the terms, manipulation and domination, should be replaced by more neutral terms related to supply and demand. These incontrol processes include a large number of psychosocial skills, such as being autonomous, creating acceptance, or gaining reliable cooperation. Some include being so resourceful that it is in the interest of others to be your friend, and to seek and maintain your cooperation. They also include maintaining an open relationship with others, to be willing to give others "a listening" without adding or subtracting, and to tell the truth about what happened, uncontaminated by interpretations of blame, and to make it worth while for others to do so to you. Important other methods include to accept and use what is best, regardless of the source, and to "do to others what you would want them to do to you". Finally, the highest orientation to being controlled by others is to be so secure that you can sincerely work toward the good of the group and actually serve the others. That is, willingly to be controlled by them if it suits your interests or those of the herd. To dependent people, this view is incomprehensible. The more self-confident one becomes, the more attractive and understandable such synergy becomes.

GAINING CONTROL IN SPITE OF DEVELOPMENTAL ARRESTS This "automaticity" who we sometimes appear to be, and who creates the present as an extension of our past developmental failures, can be terminated to release us as free agents. For this freedom to last, we must be prepared to replace automaticity by the conscious creation of a

life that is socially more meaningful than our robotic but seemingly safe past survival acts. This possibility of the future emanates from the cerebellar Source. Its new contexts can be so intuitively attractive that the Source seems to call to us, and animates us toward personal transformation as the first step on this path. It says, to gain control, choose what is, as perfect. Surrender to, and align with the universe. Experience its support, abundance, love, health, and joy. See one's perfection. Forgive oneself. Love oneself. By distinguishing and allowing our developmental arrests, DARP, and survival acts just to be, they will quiet down and let us be. (That is, by not acting on them, the will not activate or escalate). See perfection in others. Forgive others. Love others. Since what we dwell on grows, avoid dwelling on the negative, by mentally being consumed by one's Source. Surrender the use of our conscious minds to the intuition of our Inner Source who has a superior control of its own. Trust and believe that the universe is perfect and, through the alignment of one's Source, it will guide us to a life that works perfectly. Keep expanding up one's true path. Allow the lives of Sourceful others to inspire us and our Sourceful life to inspire those around us. Provide oneself the most ideal support system practical, filled with people who can give unconditional love. Facilitate group alignment by creating a group purpose. Let go of all arrest-based attachments and defenses. Speak accurately to yourself and others without lying. Accept the mirror that the universe provides. This mirror reflects the life which one has drawn to and created around oneself. It shows exactly what works, and what one needs to stop doing. Help others to be right, to win, to lead, and to have. Find your talent. Use your talent to do what you love to do most in service of others. With the guidance of your Source, design and use your talent to create a future to live into which calls you into action; something that you would enthusiastically get out of bed for in the morning. Replace subconscious childhood decisions or animal reactions with actions created by your cerebellar Source. Beliefs from the past can be replaced by the following approach. It appears that we can only have one belief at a time. To see another person as perfect, we have to release past ideas, thoughts, and beliefs. To release past beliefs, requires that we be here now. To avoid a vacuum, we must replace the old with new. For example, negative judgments can be replaced by seeing the perfection of everything and everyone. This creates peace and brings us in touch with the magnificence of ourself and others. This will attract additional consistent thoughts. Rather than being "dead right", "choose aliveness". Work to uncover that underlying joy that comes from a secure Source-guided survival. Replace the predictable and unworkable present that one keeps getting from the past, by a present that is created by the intentional design of our future. This requires that one realize that a large part of our personal situation is the product of our overactive lower brain automaticities which are attempting to serve us by compensating for our lack of control, so as to maximize our survival. Since, in the long run, these compensations can only be inherently unsatisfactory, we must distinguish these clearly, so that they can be voluntarily disengaged. This opens a profound silence where there is finally freedom to be, and within which it is possible to actually create, not from the past, but from a future which drives the present. In this opportunity, allow the intuition from your Inner Being to assist you in

creating a future bigger than yourself, one which calls to your enthusiasm. Then, with your Dragon now serving your Source, you can confidently step forward and stop worrying about the details.

THE DEFECTIVE DEVELOPMENTAL ARREST REPAIR PROGRAM (DARP) CAUSES NEUROSIS AND PSYCHOSIS Developmental arrests and associated dyscontrol sensitivities, defenses, and compensations are enough in themselves to cause serious social maladjustment. However, an even more harmful behavior is caused by the unconscious activation of the DARP, is the source of neuroticpsychotic behavior. This paradoxical repair system, which leads to domestic violence and other very unfortunate destructive behaviors, but which also holds the potential for developmental healing, is the topic of the next chapter.

What Defensive Behavior Says About You 9 Written by Jerry Kennard

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Coping with reality and finding ways to maintain our own identity is no easy thing. We can all benefit from feedback, but none of us are really immune to criticism, sarcasm, comments or behaviors that seem designed to probe our vulnerabilities before giving them a hefty tweak. Some people have, or appear to have, greater resilience than others. Or do they? Our defenses come in many forms and the mechanisms one individual uses may simply say things about their own uncertainties and fears.

To understand the notion of being defensive', we need to revisit the theories of Sigmund Freud. Basically, Freud proposed that some defense mechanisms were regressive and some were not. In some people, Freud argued, the level or severity of stress they experience could take them back to some earlier stage of psychosexual functioning. This is much more likely if the stress experience is similar to problems they experienced at an early age. In Freud's theory, depression and dependency issues suggest problems at the oral' stage. Obstinate personality characteristics and OCD, relate to the anal' stage. Likewise, the phallic' stage is associated with personality problems, the latent' stage with excessive self-control and the genital' stage with identity diffusion. Actually, the list goes on, but you get the general idea.

Over time certain elements of Freudian theory have been selected, manipulated, and corrupted. It's not uncommon for people to accuse others of being defensive. Of course it depends how this is done as to whether the accusation is used as a weapon or as a form of constructive feedback. Either way, amateur analysis is invariably met with a frosty reception or outright hostility. Who are they to tell me . . and so it goes. Anyway, the point here is how fully the notion of defensiveness has become embedded within popular culture. But what does being defensive' actually mean and what does it say about the person who is supposedly being defensive and about the person who is doing the accusing? I leave you to ponder the question as, for this SharePost at least, there's enough to discuss with the mechanisms themselves.

To my knowledge there is no consensus over just how many defense mechanisms there are. Amongst proponents, there is general agreement that the type of mechanisms used may say something about the severity of the psychological problems the person is dealing with. Here's a list of just six defense mechanisms:

Conversion: a mechanism in which psychological discomfort is changed into a physical malady. For example, a child getting stomach cramps to avoid school; a soldier developing hand paralysis because he finds it unacceptable to use a weapon.

Denial: the none acceptance of an issue or event (e.g. the death of a loved one). Displacement: what we think of as kicking the cat'. For example, after the boss has shouted at you, the resulting anger and frustration is passed down the line to subordinates. Projection: blaming or attributing some unacceptable action or emotion to someone else.

Repression: the blocking of some painful and threatening situation from consciousness. For example, having no recollection of being sexually abused as a child.

Undoing: a symbolic act, such as repeated hand washing, that might follow an action that makes the person feel guilty (e.g. an extramarital affair). In this example hand washing acts as a form of symbolic atonement.

I think you may agree that there is something undeniably appealing and interesting - maybe even intuitive about such mechanisms. I would also suggest that pretty much everyone can identify with using mechanisms to protect their psyche from damage, whether through humor, fantasy, aggression, or others, such as those previously listed.

From a theoretical standpoint however Freud's theory is beset with interpretive problems and a lack of evidence to either support or disprove the claims. Despite this, the general principles and quite a lot of the terminology is now a part of everyday vocabulary and looks set to remain so for the foreseeable future.