Hey my little blood suckers! I hope you've all been eating well!

--

So I got a message from a newcomer to the darkside just the other day. She was, shock of

shocks, having trouble adjusting to, shall we say, the graveyard shift. Now, of course my initial

response was to point her toward the back log of entries I have on just this topic... but I decided

to be nice and address her issue. Apparently this is an issue a lot of you little rookie devils are

having and I decided it's time to update the list. Here's a list of my top ten questions I keep

getting asked even though I've answered them before. And, yes, for my own sanity, I've included

links to the individual articles at the end of the post.

1. I got cut up but I'm not healing? WTF?

I get about a dozen DM's like this a month, no joke. Someone gets gashed up flaunting

their new lifestyle and suddenly realize band-aids aren't cutting it. It's always the same. I'm

immortal now, so I think I'll jump off this building or fight that incredibly large pit bull that's

always giving me the stink eye. Oh noes! I have a six inch gash running down my arm! What do?

Okay children, gather 'round. If you're new to this game, you need to know that your

powers suck. Accept this. Step one, get the wound sterilized and sewn up. If you can stitch,

fabulous, if not, learn. You need to keep that thing from getting infected until your powers get

strong enough to fix it, otherwise you're walking around with necrotic flesh drip everywhere you

go. Not sexy.

Next step: blood. And before you flood my inbox, no, I'm still not advocating munching on
people. Even that asshole that steals your lunch at work. You know the one. Fuck that guy. Don't

drink his blood, though. You need to get into a network. I have a list of reputable "donors" at the

end of the article, see if there's one near you. If you live out in the boonies, things might be a little

tougher (and how the hell did you find a vampire out there anyway?) Livestock isn't a terrible

option if you can find it; something big that isn't going to miss the blood. It's not perfect, but it's

a short term solution. What you really need to do is (and I loathe to suggest it) find a coven. You

obviously know someone in the inner workings or you wouldn't be coming to my blog for

answers. Exploit those connections where possible.

Your last option, if you absolutely have no other leads, is to find a church.

Valerie quirked her lips to one side, staring at her laptop screen. Her finger moved to tap delete,

removing the last sentence. No, she thought, fuck those guys. With a long sigh, she pushed her chair

away from the spartan desk and stood up. Wearing little more than her underwear, she moved through

her studio apartment and into the kitchen. She opened the fridge and revealed a shelf filled with blood

bags, her "Capri Suns" as she referred to them.

Snagging one, she bit the top off and took a quick sip before reaching out to grab a bottle of

French vanilla coffee creamer. She turned and moved toward her cupboard, the bag hanging from her

now protruding fangs, and grabbed a plastic cup. She squirted the rest of the bag into the cup and added

a healthy amount of creamer, taking a taste to test it. Shrugging, she replaced the creamer strode back

to her "office." She sat down as her phone buzzed and vibrated along the table. She picked up the old,

clam-shell style phone, reading the number across the tiny exterior screen to see if she recognized the

number. She ran a hand through her platinum blond hair as she watched the phone ring. Running her

thumb along the edge, she finally flipped the phone open and hit the green button.

"Yes?" she said.

 "This Val?" said a deep, masculine voice.

"Depends on who's asking," she replied.

"Cut the bullshit. I got a baby bloodsucker."

"What's it to me?" Val replied.

"She's a fan of your blog or some shit. Look, she's been pestering me all week. Do you help

people or not?"

"I run a blog. Everything she needs to know is online."

Val could hear the man on the other end pull away from the phone to talk to someone else. "She

says she ain't got time for you, okay?" The vampire frowned as she listened to an exasperated voice

argue with him in the background, pleading.

"Just put her on the line," Val relented.

"Fine, but this is prepaid, alright? Don't go eating up my minutes. Here... talk to your friend."

The phone crackled with the sounds of transfer, getting rubbed against clothing and hands

before a faint voice came over. "Hello?" Valeria groaned silently. The girl's voice was so tiny, so

fragile.

"Kid, I don't have time for this. What do you want?" Val asked.

"I need help! Please, I don't know what to do."

"You read the blog right?"

"Yes! Every day!" the girl replied.

"Good, it's all in there kid," Valerie responded. "There's even a search bar."

"No, please, I need your help!" the girl pleaded. "I think I'm being followed."

Val lowered her head, eyes shutting. Part of the reason the blog was so perfect was that it was

impersonal. She didn't have to put herself in danger to help others and in a world of vampires, hunters,

and everything in between, meeting strangers was definitely a vulnerable position. The girl peeped up

again, asking if Valerie was still there.

 "Yeah, I'm here, kid," she replied, her thoughts drifting back to the days after her turning.

"These people that are following you, what did they look like?"

The vampire was answered by a faint shriek of surprise followed by the sounds of the phone

shifting once more. "Eh? Val? Look, I ain't got all day, you coming to help her or not?"

Valerie shook her head, eyes drifting up to the ceiling. A thousand silent profanities sailed

through her mind as she stared at the pattern of foam cardboard above her. "Where are you?"

***

Val's thigh-high boots clacked against the concrete as she rounded the corner, pulling a black

leather jacket up around her neck. She wasn't cold by any means, if such a thing was even possible

anymore, but if someone was following this girl, she didn't need them getting a good look at her, too.

The moon shined as she approached the park, a cheap, insulated lunch bag in one hand and a pistol on

the opposite hip. She pulled her burner phone from the pocket of the jacket and flipped it open to check

the directions her contact had given her. She knew why he preferred to do it someplace public, but it

was still a pain in the ass for her.

Why did she have to be such a softie? Her mind drifted back to the days she spent after her

coven turned her. Those dark days, alone, lost, trying to understand who and what she was. She never

once regretted the benefits of her decision: a slim, gorgeous body that would last for eternity, senses

that rivaled nature's best creatures, and strength beyond human capability. Still, stepping out during the

day even once more might be nice. Feeling completely in control of her baser urges for sex and blood

would be convenient, too. Seeing her contact flanked by a young woman, she cast aside her thoughts

and slid her phone back into her pocket.

"Took your time," the man said. He was tall, with well defined muscles and a strong, musky

scent that she had picked up some time ago. "She's your problem now."
 "Hey," Val said, stopping him as he tried to leave. "I got questions for you."

The man's eyes flashed with a gold tint, hints of elongated canines showing as he growled at her

touch. "I said, she's your problem."

Valerie's eyes narrowed as she watched him move off into the darkness. "Fucking wolves," she

said, turning her attention to the girl. She sized her up, feeling a pang of pity. Even for a vampire, the

girl was pale. She had to be freshly turned and it looked like she hadn't had a real meal since. "You look

awful," she said.

"I..."

"Don't worry about it," Val said, opening her lunch bag. She slipped a blood bag from inside and

handed it to the girl who only took a moment to inspect it before tearing into it. "Jesus, have some

control!" The girl's lips and cheeks were stained with blood as she squeezed the last drops from the bag,

casting it aside to lick her fingers. Val watched for several seconds as the girl scraped the spilled blood

from her face and shirt, lapping at every drop. Had Val been this bad when she was hungry? She tried

not to dwell on it, waiting for the girl to finish. "Feel better?"

"God, yes," the girl replied, blood still streaked across her cheeks.

Valeria sighed and reached out a hand to rub some of the blood off her cheek. "So what's your

name, kid?"

"Sarah," she replied.

"Okay, Sarah. So what was so important I had to come out here?"

"I'm being followed."

"By who?" Valerie asked.

"I don't know. Some guy in a black suit."

Valerie looked around the park. The wolf's lingering scent was still in the air, overpowering

most anything else. She scanned the trees and the bushes, seeing nothing but the typical wildlife. Still,

it wasn't good to loiter here. Nodding her head, she led the girl down the park path. "Come on. Let's go
someplace a little friendlier to our kind."

***

Two men leaned against a beige Corolla, staring across the street. They wore long cassocks,

split at the hip and flared out, white clerical collars peeking out around their necks. They had been

watching the door for several minutes, exhausted looks on their faces.

"Dude, I do not want to do this."

"I gathered that during the car ride over," the other replied. "Take it up with Father Jones."

"I'll take up his death wishes for us."

"Curt..."

"No, this is fuckin' insane, Chris. Why are we walking into a vamp bar in full uniform?"

"Because," Chris replied, "they already know we're here. Trying to go in incognito would only

stir things up more. Better to be upfront with them."

Chris scratched his head, hand running through a shaggy mane of auburn hair. He patted himself

down, checking for his basic tools; cross, holy water, pistol. All there. Curtis rolled his eyes and pushed

away from the car, crossing the street. "Let's just get this over with."

Moments later, the two paladins stood inside the door to the bar. The house lights were low, but

neon signs and spotlights flashed, casting a rainbow of colors around the place. The bar looked packed,

the hum of conversation barely audible over the loud, droning music that floated through the air.

"This isn't as bad as I thought," Curtis said, moving toward the bar. "I figured we'd get a lot

more stares."

"I'm anti-freak, dude," Chris replied. "Trust me. They don't have to look your way to stare at

you."

The pair stepped up to the bar, catching the bartender's attention. He wore a denim vest, torn
and adorned with pentagrams and band patches from the '90s, with black hair that shrouded one side of

his face. He slithered their way, smirking as he approached. "Don't see a lot of priests getting drinks

here."

"You know what this is," Chris replied. "We're looking for someone."

"Big doesn't rat out his children," the bartender replied.

"This isn't one of Big's."

"Maybe not yet," the bartender answered. "Either way, it's probably best you go about your

business, priests."

"Look," Curtis chimed in, "we just need to make contact. She's not in trouble, we just need to

give her the talk."

"I'm sure."

"Can you give Big a call? Tell him Chris is just looking for someone," the paladin asked.

His eyes never leaving the pair, the bartender reached out for a phone behind the bar, pulling it

to his ear. He dialed a number and waited as it rang. "Big? Yeah, I got a couple of priests asking

questions. Want me to send them packing?"

"Tell him it's Chris!" the paladin repeated.

"He says his name's Chris. Yeah? Uh huh? Okay, you're the boss."

Chris smirked, quirking a single eyebrow as the bartender hung up the phone and turned to him.

"So?"

"Big says do what you got to do and leave." He leaned over the bar, his eyes flashing red and

his fang protruding from his mouth. "Cause any trouble and we dine on holy blood tonight."

"You're a mensch," the paladin replied.

 Across the bar, Valerie sat at a booth, her face aglow with the light of Sarah's cell phone. The

newbie vampire watched over her shoulder as Val marked locations on her GPS. "Okay, so on this guy,

make sure you don't stare, okay? He's a good vamp, but they hit him with something messed up. His

face won't heal right. Still, he's a good guy, he can get you sorted out with a starter kit."

"What's a starter kit?" Sarah asked.

"Little bit of blood, some coconut water, sewing kit, first aid kit, and a few other sundries. Now,

he's good, but he's not free, okay?"

"I don't... I don't have any money," the girl replied.

"Jesus, kid... the guy who turned you, what happened?" Sarah turned away and wrapped her

arms around her chest. An annoying motherly instinct washed over Val, both disgusting and persistent.

Hesitating, she reached out a hand to stroke the girl's hair. "Hey... I get it. You got ditched, right?

Probably a boyfriend or something?" The girl sniffled and nodded. "Look, a lot of us don't come into

this life for the right reasons. Still, we gotta live with the choices we made." She looked back at the

phone, tapping the screen and dropping another pin onto the map. "If... If you haven't got any money,

you can try this guy. He won't charge you, but... you will pay."

"I don't know-"

"Shh!" Val slapped a hand over the girls mouth, her eyes locked on the bar. Two men in black

cassocks were chatting with the bartender: her suspicions were right. "We got priests, kid. Time to go."

"What-?"

"Just follow me," Val said, tugging the girl out of the booth and into the back of the bar.

Moments later the pair pushed through the backdoor, stepping out to the rear parking lot of Alu.

With firm, purposeful strides, Valerie approached the concrete wall. Without pausing, the vampire leapt

twelve feet up and over. She waited for several seconds, staring at the top of the wall before leaping

back to the top. Looking down, she watched Sarah claw at the wall, trying to scurry up it.
 "What are you doing? Get over here!" she said in a hushed shout.

"I can't! I can't jump that high!"

"Oh, for fuck's sake," she sighed, dropping down next to the girl. "You have got to be the

saddest vampire I've ever seen."

"Hey! Hold it!" cried a voice from the back of the bar. The two vampires turned to see a pair of

men in cassocks approaching fast. "Hold it right there!"

"Fuck!" Val groaned, grabbing Sarah by her belt. With a heave, she hefted the girl up and over

the wall. The girl shrieked in surprise as she hurled through air, crashing into a pile of palettes on the

other side with a hard thud. She rolled to her knees as Valerie landed beside her, grabbing the new

vampire's hand and hoisting her up. "Move it kid!"

The pair rushed between buildings, weaving through dark alleys, the cries of the paladins ever

behind them. Valerie's hand drifted to her pistol, dreading the possibility that she might have to use it.

She did not need a kill record with the Paladin Order on top of everything else.

Rounding a corner, she kicked in plywood plank that was boarding up an abandoned building,

tugging her new companion inside with her. The rotting smell of human waste and burned clothing

assaulted the pair as they moved through the den of homeless drifters. An old man rushed at the pair

with a broken scissor, but Valerie caught his wrist and jerked him to the side.

"Fuck off, junkie, we're just passing through." This was the wrong thing to say as the group of

people began to swear and yell. Shit, she thought, this isn't helping! Sarah covered her head as the

group roared and screamed and pushed toward them, but Valerie didn't flinch. She calmed herself and

threw her hands out. Her eyes turned a bright red and the encroaching mob froze in their steps. Mouths

silenced and arms lowered, Valerie began to speak. "Sit." The room fell to the ground in unison. "You

don't see us. We aren't here." Soon the room returned to it's former state, the various vagrants focused

on attempting to get shaky needles into their withered arms.

"What was that?" Sarah asked as she was dragged up a set of stairs.
 "The basics. Look, we don't have time for a lesson. Why do you have paladins chasing you?"

"I don't know what that is," Sarah replied.

"The guys chasing us! Why are they after you?"

"I don't know!"

"Come on, kid. Paladins are a bitch to deal with. You had to do something to get their attention.

Who did you eat?"

"No one! I... oh... "

"Oh?" Valerie asked. "Oh, what?"

"Well... there was this lady. It was my first night. I didn't know what I was doing."

"Oh fuck, you ate a woman?" Valerie asked.

"No! No! I... her... her dog."

Valerie's shoulders sank. "You're kidding me."

"It was my first night. I was so hungry."

"Well... at least it wasn't a person. Still, I'm guessing you hurt the woman before you dined on

Fido."

"I... I don't remember," Sarah answered.

"I'm sure you did. Otherwise the priests wouldn't be after us. Look, you gotta get out of town."

"But... I don't know anyone out of town."

"Of course you don't," Valerie replied, "that'd be too easy." She gripped the girl by the shoulder

and directed her toward a window. The pair peered out, Valerie scanning for signs of the paladins.

"Okay, I normally don't do this," she began, moving back inside and pulling a wad of bills from her

back pocket. "You need to get to the bus station and go."

"Go where?" Sarah asked, following her.

"Pick a direction. Go as far as this will get you," Valerie said, stuffing the bills into the girl's

hand.
 "Won't they follow me?"

"No, paladins work locally. Move out of their jurisdiction and they have to hand it over to a new

group. They're terrible at communicating with themselves. Keep moving and they can't keep a bead on

you."

Valerie poked her head back out, her keen eyes catching sight of an approaching Corolla.

"When you get someplace safe, DM me," she added, watching two paladins step out of the car. "I'll see

if I can't get you a list of safe places there."

Valerie turned around to find herself wrapped in the girl's arms, tears streaming down her pale

face. "Thank you so much!" she cried.

"Yeah, that's great kid," Val replied, prying the girl off her, "but we've got two priests waiting

downstairs for us."

"Oh god," the girl said, scanning the room around her.

"Don't freak out, okay? I'm going to get their attention. You need to run to the nearest bus

station. Think you can do that? Think you can run?"

"I.. I ran track in high school."

"That's wonderful," Val replied, trying not to sigh audibly. "Okay, when I go out there, you start

running, okay? Run and don't look back!"

The girl nodded and Val moved to the window, watching as the paladins held a device up.

"That's a long drop," she muttered.

At ground level, Curtis stared into the screen of his cell phone, watching the scanned image of

the building shift as he moved it. Chris stared over his shoulder, pointing at the second floor and

stopping him.

"That's gotta be her. Dark energy on the second story."

 "Dude, this is a squatter building..." Curtis whined, lowering the phone to look at the tagged up

edifice of the building.

"Druggies are God's children, too," Chris chided him, pulling back his cassock to reveal his

pistol.

"I know, but the smell..."

"DIE PRIESTS!" The pair looked up as glass shattered and a screaming figure crashed into the

ground before them. With eyes glowing red and a mouth filled with rows of fangs, the vampire creature

roared in an unholy tone. "I will bathe in your blood, priests!"

BANG! Valerie collapsed to the ground, clutching her knee and rolling back and forth, her form

back to normal. "Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck that hurts!"

"Don't move!" Chris warned, his gun drawn.

"Whoa, whoa! Truce! Truce! You win! Don't shoot!" Val shouted, hands waving in front of her.

Curtis drew his firearm and circled around beside her, inspecting the vampire. "This isn't the

one."

"Where's your friend?" Chris asked, moving in.

"What friend?" BANG! Val clutched her other leg, cursing loudly. "God damn it!"

"I know this isn't damaging you," Chris said.

"It still fucking hurts!" Val cried, cradling both knees.

"You regenerate fast, so really it's up to you how long we do this," Chris said.

"Fine!" she cried. "She's going to the pharmacy."

"What the hell does that mean?" Curtis asked

"The pharmacy! You know what a damned pharmacy is, right?"

"Yeah. What the hell is she doing at a pharmacy?"

"She's grabbing you two some Viagra so you can go fuck yourselves." The paladins groaned in

frustration, leveling their weapons at her once more. "No, no! Don't shoot!" she pleaded, scurrying to
her knees and crawling to Curtis' feet. She wrapped her arms around his waist, pleading with him.

"Please, no! Please, no! Don't shoot!"

"We don't have time for this!" Chris cried, turning back to the building. "Put her in the car. I'll

check for the other one."

"You're not going to find her," Val said as Curtis seized her by her blond hair, dragging her up to

her feet. "I doubt either of us will ever see that girl again."

Val winced and stuttered as Curtis tugged her over to the Corolla, opening the door and tossing

her into the back seat. She frowned and rubbed the back of her head, as he slammed the door behind

her. Curtis turned back to the building, holstering his gun and producing his cell phone once more. "I'm

not getting any traces of her," he shouted to his partner.

The Corolla's engine roared. Curtis turned around to see Val in the driver's seat, blowing a kiss.

The car sped away as Curtis lunged for it, cursing as he hit the pavement. Scrambling to his feet, he

patted down his cassock as Chris rushed back to his side. "She took the fucking keys!"

***

Sarah's hands trembled as she took hold of the ticket, stepping out of line and moving toward

the waiting bus. Her eyes kept scanning the same line over and over: New York. She didn't know

anyone there, but it was supposed to be a haven for vampires. More importantly, though, it wasn't here.

Taking a deep breath, she held the ticket out to the uniformed man at the entrance to the bus. He

punched a hole in it before handing it back and ushering her on. A faint smile managed to crack her lips

as she found her seat. She reached into her pocket, pulling out what remained of the money Val had

given her. She had to have known it was more than bus fare. With tears welling in her eyes, she leaned

her tired head back into the plush headrest.

 The bus let out a hiss as the door closed and it lurched forward, the chassis rumbling as it eased

onto the road. She dreamed of what it would be like when she stepped off the bus, of the new life that

would await her in her strange new home. As long as she could get online, she had Val, and that was

enough to get her through now. She opened her eyes, turned, and gave a high pitched yelp. Trembling

she stared at the man now seated beside her. He was tall, in a black suit with an American flag pin on

his lapel.

"Sarah Mezkowski?" he asked without even looking at her.

The young vampire froze. "W-what do you want with me?"

"I'm Agent Crockett with the Bureau of Demonic Affairs. It's time to serve your country."