hz3OpZvTg52qCp5swCwG Our Marriage Story AND 20 Steps To Restore Marriage Ebook - PDF

How our marriage
was restored
after infidelity
Plus 20 steps you can take
to start healing your marriage too.
By, Debbie Rose

www.aftermyaffair.com
Hello, Friend.
TC
If you were sitting next to me, I imagine we might pull up a chair
beside each other, with a hot cup of coffee (with lots of creamer for
me!) and I would share my incredible story of restoration with you,
as though we were old friends.
Sure, maybe I'm crazy for sharing the most personal, and devastating,
story of my life with you.
Many would say that.
I would have even said that, just a few years ago.
I used to only see my shame, & the terrible thing I'd done-
so I isolated and hid my story.
But now I realize, this isn't just my story to tell. Or my husbands.

This is God's story. And this story needs to be told.
Our marriage not only survived infidelity, but it was completely

restored and renewed... which was miraculous, considering we were
on the brink of divorce.
Unfortunately, I know that there are many other hurting couples who
are trying to recover from an infidelity in their marriage, too.
www.aftermyaffair.com page 1
Maybe you're here now reading my story,
because you are one of those couples-
whether you were the unfaithful one or the betrayed.
TC
First, I'm so sorry. I know it's the most devastating blow that can
happen to a marriage.
But I'm also here to offer you hope.

God did what we couldn't do on our own, and helped us find the
healing we needed.
God can restore, renew and redeem your hard

and painful story to be a story of redemption also.
If you're willing to walk the hard road of recovery

with soft hearts, you can absolutely have a marriage
that can be better than before.
The details of our stories might be different, but I guarantee you,

we likely share much of the same pain as a result of infidelity.
But no matter how our stories are different, the path to hope &
healing stays the same- because the God of restoration never
changes. Also, after reading our marriage story, you'll find my 20
steps you can both start taking to restore your own marriage.
Much grace and love,
Debbie copyright By, Debbie Rose of www.AfterMyAffair.com

Table of Contents
TC
Introduction.....................................................................Page 1
Good girl/people pleaser..............................................Page 4
Young love & letters.......................................................Page 5
Wedding bells.................................................................Page 6
Liquid courage gone bad..............................................Page 7
Our dried up marriage garden.....................................Page 8
Falling into the trap........................................................Page 9
The snare I couldn't get free of...................................Page 10
Lies of deception............................................................Page 11
Our families worst day ever.........................................Page 12
From brokenness to set free........................................Page 13
Nothing is impossible with God..................................Page 14
Taking steps toward healing........................................Page 15
A new start & a new trial.............................................Page 16
Hope to keep going......................................................Page 17
Where we are today.....................................................Page 18
20 Steps to begin healing your marriage.................Page 19
All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced or copied in any form or
media without written permission from the author.
Good girl, people pleaser.
Okay, so I'm a recovering good girl, people pleaser. I'm not
TC
especially proud of this because it hasn't served me too well.
But it helps give a little background to my story.
I never wanted to make waves in my family.

'Do what you're told. Get good grades. Make everyone happy.
Be a good girl. Don't cause any problems.'
That was my motto from as far back as I can remember.
But sometimes being this way can cause you to lose yourself in the
process, not know your own voice, separate than wanting to always
do what others want you to do.
Some of you know exactly what I mean.
But I had a great Mom and Dad, and it was really more my
personality than their fault.
Yet, that was the role I settled into in our family.
"The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe".
Proverbs 29:25
In high school, I was named the most kind person. I always had a
heart for the underdog and rejected ones.
Partying wasn't my thing, so I never got into drinking as a teenager.
I remember telling someone that I had such a boring story.
Be careful what you wish for.
Young love & letters.
TC
Jim and I met when I was 16 years old, and he was in the Navy.
His brother got married to my best friends sister. We were both in
the wedding and instantly hit it off.
But I had to fly home to Arizona, and he had to go back to his base
in the northeast. We promised we'd write each other, as friends of
course. And we wrote a lot! He decided to come visit me and my
family the following summer in Arizona, and after 9 days we both
knew we had something special.
But he had one more year in the Navy, and I had one more year of
high school.
He deployed overseas and we promised we'd write...and we did.
The emptiness was deep from missing each other so much. This
drew us both to accept Jesus into our lives around the same time-
but completely unaware of the others decision!
That next year was hard, but good. We grew in our faith, and wrote
lots of letters, and he'd try to call me whenever he could. We didn't
have emails, or texting or any of today's way of communicating.
But the distance wouldn't get in our way; our love still grew strong.
Wedding bells.
TC
Once Jim got out of the Navy, he moved to Arizona to be with me,
and I got an engagement ring!
I couldn't be more thrilled to marry the man of my childhood
dreams. We were determined to do things right, with the Lord at
the center of our marriage.
We were completely in love.

We got married when I was 19 1/2 (I always feel the need to say
the 1/2, as though that extra half makes me sound so much older!)
We did the whole house and 3 kids 'American dream' thing by the
time I was 30. Yet, I'd lost myself somewhere along the way.
Slowly at first, so I didn't notice it. But I didn't know where I fit in.
By the time we had our 3rd son, we'd moved at least 4 times and I
was feeling like a misfit everywhere I went.
I loved the Lord, but I couldn't shake the emptiness feeling and lack
of purpose and direction in my life, plus resentments that I pushed
down and didn't deal with.
Those years of people pleasing were starting to catch up to me; it

wasn't serving me too well anymore.
I didn't know how to find my own voice, especially if it meant being

contrary to popular opinion...so stuffing my feelings became my way
of life.
Liquid Courage gone bad.
TC
I started having a glass of wine while cooking, or a wine cooler after
dinner. No big deal, except for a girl who never drank much
before- and didn't even want alcohol at her wedding.
But it was just to relax I told myself. When really, it was my way of
self-medicating away the emptiness, depression and loneliness I felt.
To fast forward a few years, I apparently wasn't real good with the
'off' switch to my liquid courage; it got away from me until I was
leaning on it daily. I fell into the trap that a substance could make
me feel better, until it was now hard to get free.
We both recognized I had a problem, and I finally agreed to check

into rehab in 2006. Seeing my husband and 3 boys drive away
after dropping me off at The Betty Ford Center was one of the
lowest points in my life up until then.
How did I get here? I asked myself as I waited to be checked in.

How did a previous non-drinking good girl, end up with not being
able to easily control her drinking? Humbling to say the least.
Jim was so supportive, and he stood by my side through all of it.

But the stress of everything took its toll on our relationship.
We were trying to stay active in a recovery program through our
church, attempting to navigate our new reality.
Our dried up marriage 'garden.'
Keeping busy in recovery meetings was good,
TC
but we'd neglected each other, and our marriage
was like a garden with it's beautiful roses drying up...
all while the garden spigot was right there all along.
Do you relate to that?
Life happens and we get so busy with kids, a house, bills, jobs
and all the responsibilities that are demanding our attention.
If we're not extremely intentional about caring for our marriages,

they can shrivel up, before we even realize what's happening.
That's exactly what was happening to us.
The bi-weekly date night was neglected.

The tenderness and connection were put aside.
Our garden was dying, but we were too busy with life to notice.
Around this time, when I was most vulnerable and most

disconnected from my husband, I started to notice a guy from our
recovery group at church.
Something seemed familiar about him and I think I was

subconsciously trying to make peace with someone from my past by
being friends with him.
Falling into the trap.
My husband and I became friends with him. He was going through
TC
a separation, and soon to be divorce. I was naive enough to not
realize how many inappropriate boundaries I'd crossed-
just because I cared and wanted to help him through it.
We shared too much emotionally with each other, that shouldn’t

have been shared, which only made a emotional connection grow.
I'd begun to have thoughts and feelings I didn't know how to make
sense of. Little did I know the enemy of my soul had a plan for my
demise, and I was about to fall right into the trap.
Once I opened that door just a crack - I let the enemy come
barging in- until my mind was leading me to have feelings for him
that I then wanted to act on.
It was just a simple text, or a card… 'No big deal', I thought.
But when my husband started to feel uneasy about my friendship

with him, I started to hide the communication we were having.
What I didn't understand then was- my secrets gave it more
power.
Then one day, I did the unthinkable.
I betrayed my husband.
The one I was married to for 19 years at that point,
the one who loved me the most; my best friend.
The snare I couldn't get free of.
TC
It was something I never thought I was capable of doing.
After all, I was a "good girl" AND a Christian woman,
who seriously had loved God since I was 17.
Sure I got off track with drinking, but I stopped drinking.

And then this.
I was on an emotional roller coaster, and my feelings were now

running the show... which was turning into a nightmare.
I was in a constant state of guilt and shame. I'd break it off with this
other man, only to somehow get sucked back into it again and again.
This "thing" had a hold of me. Like a snare that I couldn't break free
of. It was as though I traded one addiction for another; and I realize
now that I did- all within a year of sobriety.
2 Timothy 2:26 says: "that they may come to their senses and escape from
the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will."
Because we used to be so close, I couldn't keep this from my

husband anymore. After 20 days, I confessed my sin to the one
who has always loved me the most.
The lies of deception.
TC
He was confused and blindsided of course. He didn't see how we
could survive this. I left in a state of shock and confusion at what
had become of us. How could I have hurt the one I've always loved
the most? We had a period of time separated, then together again.
My mind was blinded by the deception I was in- totally unable to
think or reason clearly anymore.
That was April fools day 2007, but this was no joke.
Feeling torn and confused were my daily companions, and Jim had
no idea where his 'real' wife went.
Affairs have a power to them that most people underestimate before

falling inro it's trap. It's lie says 'nobody will get hurt, nobody has to
know, this is just something you deserve...' and on and on the lies we
believe.
I wish I could say confessing to him was the catalyst that turned my
rebellious heart home again. But unfortunately it wasn't.
I believed the lie that maybe I should be with this other man.
I was trying to reason out how to do that, could I do that?
What about my kids? I loved my kids more than anything, but now
my selfishness and deception told me they wouldn't miss me, that
they didn't need me. They were teenage boys, and sadly, I didn't
feel they needed or wanted me anymore.
Our families worst day ever.
My husband tried to wait. He really did. He prayed, he wept. He lost
TC
20 lbs in a month. I would say I ended it, cut off contact with the
affair partner, only to be so naive about the right way to end it, and
felt unable to break free of the chains that had their grip on me.
If you've never been in this place, it's so incredibly hard to

understand, I know. It sounds like an excuse, but the enemy knows
what he's doing to keep us bound by the chords of sin.
As the months rolled on like this, we were losing

hope that it would ever work for us again. The pleasure of sin had
long since worn off and I felt more like a prodigal addict needing my
fix.
How many times can a betrayed spouse forgive? How long do they
wait for their prodigal wife to return from the cloud of their
deceptive waywardness? He'd set boundaries and I'd inevitably
break them.
It breaks my heart now to think of my actions back then.
This went on for over a year, until the last straw.

We sat the boys down and told them we were going to divorce.
It was the worst, most awful day for our family as a whole; and for
each of us individually. Somehow I grew so disconnected that I
couldn't even get free, even for my kids that I loved so much.
From brokeness- to set free.
By this point, many in our church had found out.
TC
The gossip was flowing and our friends were leaving. But I am so
thankful for our 2 faithful, godly friends that stood by our side; my
sweet friend gave me tough love when I needed it.
But I'd never felt so alone and ashamed in all my life.
And I know Jim felt alone too...as he wrestled with feelings of 'not
enough' and wondering if he was weak; but loving me still so much,
and not believing this is how it was supposed to be for us.
Even in all my rebellion, God never left me.
He did withdraw His peace- to bring me back home to Him. But He

showed me many times- right in the midst of my sin- that He wasn't
letting go.
I even heard a whisper in my broken spirit "Go and sin no more."
Curled up on the floor, sobbing and broken, I could barely utter a

whimpering cry "Help Me God, I can't do this anymore."
And once I finally meant it with all my heart, He lifted me out of the
pit and gave me the strength I didn't have on my own.
He set me free from the trap and bondage of adultery.
"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and saves the crushed in spirit."
Psalm 34:18
Nothing is impossible with God.
TC
Within days I noticed that God lifted that desire from my heart.
The weight I’d been carrying was gone; I no longer felt tied to this
other man.
"For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit
again to a yoke of slavery." Galations 5:1
My sweet husband saw me in a puddle on the floor as I was packing

my bag to leave the house. He held me and I cried like I'd never
cried in my life.
"I love you and I don't want to divorce", he said. "I love you too and
don't want to divorce either." I said. And all I could do was say "I'm
sorry, I'm so so sorry" through deep sobbing.
We knew we couldn't give up on what we had.
Just that he was willing to give us another chance; there's no words

to describe the feeling.
I've heard mercy described as God not punishing us as our sins

deserve. And grace is God blessing us despite the facts we don't
deserve it. I felt both mercy and grace from that day forward-
from my husband, and my God.
But the second half of our hard work had just begun.
Taking steps toward healing.
TC
There were tears and anger; progress-then setbacks.
I was amazed at how easily trust was lost, but how long it took to
restore.
But I became determined.
Of course I didn't love having to be accountable for my time, phone,

passwords, etc... but I knew it was my choices that led us here.
This was another consequence of adultery, and I stopped blaming

everyone else, and did whatever I had to do to help him heal, and to
restore our marriage.
And that's what we did. We started praying more together everyday.

We invited God into our marriage again and asked His help to restore
us. We knew this was bigger than us.
Despite having 3 really bad marriage counseling experiences, we

found our way back to each other. We read how important it is to
spend many hours a week together to reconnect, and so that's what
we did. We were careful to limit the time we talked about the affair
to 30 minutes a day, and spent the rest of the time together as much
as possible.
Slowly...trust grew. Like a delicate flower that needs tending to.
A new start & A new trial.
We started tending to our "garden" of our love, and stopped
neglecting the little things. TC
After a few years, we were able to move to Colorado. My heart was
happy, we needed a new start and this was it. We were about 90%
healed by the time we moved, and things were looking up. His fears
lessened, and trust was being rebuilt.
But then 6 months after moving to Colorado, a new trial came.
I found out at 42 years old that I had breast cancer. I couldn't

understand why this would happen just when we were getting
better. But we went through it together, and it made us stronger
as a family.
Although I wouldn't wish for those trials again, I can see looking back
that my cancer diagnosis, and the recurrence I had 3 years later,
bonded us together even more- and I saw once again my husband's
support and unconditional love for me.
It would have been easier to give up and get divorced, honestly.

It's harder to stay in a marriage and fight for it to be saved. People
don't often believe that a marriage can be restored after infidelity.
But it can, if you are willing, persistent and look to the source of ALL
love and hope to help you.
Hope to keep going.
TC
So that's my story. If you made it this far, congratulations!
I share this story with you, not to talk about myself or boast in how
great our marriage is. Trust me friend, I'm far from perfect.
But this is really not about me.
This is about you...and the choices you can make that can change
your life. Whether for good or for evil.
Sin always promises so much, but leaves us with heartache and pain.
We will never be truly happy chasing things, or people, that are not
blessed by Him.
He loves you so very much. He's no respecter of person's.
What He did in my marriage, He can do in yours.

He just needs willing hearts, and He'll lead you out of the darkness
into the light.
I hope you see that no matter your trial, or how hopeless your
marriage difficulty is, there is always hope. God is in the restoring
business and He's the best one for the job.
Whether you come from faith or not, I encourage you to invite Him
into your mess and have hope...because no matter what happens in
your circumstances, He will never leave you.
Where we are today.
Today we're married 32 years.
TC
2 of our boys are married, with our youngest in college, and we have
3 grandchildren.
We are so thankful and blessed to still be together. To be

grandparents together and pushed through to have a better marriage
than before, is the greatest gift we could ever have, or have given to
our kids. We are fully restored, and I am free of the chains that had
me bound!
I knew there must be others out there who shared a similar story to
ours; I especially have a heart for women who were unfaithful as I
was. I believe the shame is even greater when it's a woman who
strayed. This is why I started my blog www.aftermyaffair.com-
to take the mess of my story, and give hope to others that there is a
way out of the pain, without divorce.
I hope it gives you the courage to reach out for help, if you identify
with my story. We can't heal what we don't acknowledge.
I have a private Facebook group called AMA Women-just for women

that were unfaithful, to help and support each other to get over their
affairs and move forward to healing. I'd love to have you join us!
I also hope to see you in my membership community "RESTORE" for

women who've already ended their affair and looking for steps and a
sisterhood to heal. you can learn more about that here.
20
Steps to take
to begin healing
your own marriage,
after an affair.
By, Debbie Rose
Copyright © 2020 AfterGrace LLC Debbie Rose
All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced
or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of
the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review or
scholarly journal.
Colorado Springs, CO 80920

Are you wondering if your own
marriage can really survive the
trauma of the affair?
Although it’s one of the hardest trials a couple can go through, it is possible
for your marriage to be restored in many cases.
I should know, because my marriage almost fell apart after 19 years, as

you read in my story in this e-book.
But after we started working these foundational 20 steps first, our

relationship began to turn around and start to heal. We’re married 32
years now.
I believe there’s a very strong chance this can happen for you too,
especially if you’re both committed to rebuilding your marriage.
Even if your spouse isn't completely onboard right now, or they're unsure if
they want to stay in the marriage, you can still work on your part of these
steps and your spouse will begin to see the changes in you.
This goes for whether you were the unfaithful spouse or the betrayed
spouse.
You see, both of you, as either the unfaithful spouse or the betrayed
spouse, have things to do to begin the healing process.
So, I’ve outlined the steps below that you can each take.
There’s also a section of steps to take together as a couple, at the bottom.
Please hear me, I know it is extremely hard and depressing right now.
I've been there.
After my affair, it looked hopeless. I was so deep in ‘affair fog’ that I didn’t
break off my affair for many months. (This is after I told my husband that I
would, and I also believed I would.)
It proved harder than I first realized, as it became an addiction, which is
something I talk about on my site.
Luckily, I finally came to my senses and broke off the affair, before I lost my
marriage all together. We finally figured out these steps to healing for
ourselves, after much trial and error.
I don’t want to see you go through the drawn out anguish we went through
trying to figure it out.
That’s why I made this e-book free to people, so everyone would have
access to these healing steps.
Remember, nothing worth having is ever truly easy.
But if you can look ahead to a better future with your spouse, you’ll see it
was all worth it in the end.
My husband and I are happier now than we were before, the affair. Many
couples that followed these steps, also found healing for their marriages.
I believe no marriage is without hope when they commit to forgiving and

healing and turn to God for help. But they both have to want to save the
marriage. It's not just one of you doing the work, you both have work to do.
So, without any further introduction, here are the main 20 steps we took to
heal our marriage, divided into sections for each spouse, and as a couple.
To the unfaithful spouse:
1. Stop ALL contact completely.
This is always the first step in recovery after an affair. That means no phone
calls, text, emails, social media. (You can read more details on how to break
off an affair here.) If there is a secret phone, give it to your spouse to destroy
together. If there are emails or social media accounts that your AP might find
you at or know about, first block your affair partner, and then give all
passwords to your spouse.
Breaking off the affair, for good, means never going back to the affair partner
again. There can be no friendship or communication of any kind.
If you worked with them, I would suggest looking for another job.
What is your healed marriage worth to you? Does it seem drastic? Good.
Drastic measures need to be taken, or the affair could resume.
Don’t underestimate the pull to go back to it. You owe this person NO
apology or ‘in person’ breaking it off. That is a sure way to be sucked back
into the infidelity. Trust me, I know.
Also understand, your spouse will need time to trust you again. Only YOU
can help your spouse regain that trust in you. As you do the next right thing
each day, that trust will slowly be restored. But your marriage will have no
chance at recovery, and it can actually be destroyed, if your spouse thinks you
discontinued all contact only to find out later that you didn’t.
So determine now, before going any further in this, how badly do you want a
restored marriage?
It will be worth it later.
If you are still having trouble breaking off contact for good, I suggest getting
into a support group for women for accountability to end an affair. I have a
online course/support group open a few times per year on How to end an
affair and heal once it's over.
You can learn more about it here: https://www.aftergrace.com/EYAENROLL
I also would suggest truly going before God, asking Him to take away all
feelings and desires to be this other person. It's His will for your marriage to
be restored; not be ruined by adultery. So, this is a prayer He wants to
answer.
I prayed this prayer after trying for many months on my own, and I can tell
you honestly, God took away all desire to have any contact with the other
man almost immediately. So don’t discredit God’s miraculous ability to help
you. He loves you with an unconditional love and wants only what is best for
you.
2. Be completely transparent about everything.

No secrets, about anything. If you haven’t been completely honest about the
depth of the affair with your spouse, or certain details were withheld, be
aware of the setback that will occur if they find out you were lying again.
We call that dripping the truth, and it's actually pretty damaging to your
marriage recovery.
Also, be transparent and accountable for your time away from home now,
even if you just go shopping.
Limit time away from your spouse for awhile, if possible.

Be willing to give up 'your right' to privacy or control for awhile. I know it’s
hard, believe me, it was hard for me too. But I quickly realized it was the only
way we would heal.
Your spouse will heal far faster when they see you are willing to lay down
“your rights” and you’ll do whatever it will take to help them heal. It’s not
forever, keep reminding yourself of that.
Be humble and willing to be accountable now. Remember the reason you

both are in this mess. I had to remind myself of that a few times. I also
found it helpful to stay grateful that my spouse was willing to stay and work
on restoring our marriage.
3. Answer any questions your spouse asks.

Be willing to answer the questions your spouse may ask, even if it's very
painful to answer. It may be necessary for their healing to not feel left out of
certain truths about the affair.
Remember, they feel shut out of ‘a secret’ life you shared with your affair
partner. That includes places you went, the conversations you shared, and
secrets that your spouse was not privy to.
It often helps many betrayed spouses to ask about these things so they don’t
feel so in the dark about it all. Just limit the amount of time to talk about the
affair. We limited it to 30 minutes at a time so we didn't get overwhelmed
in it. I’ll go over that in the couple’s section of this e-book.
4. Have empathy and patience with your spouse.

It can be difficult to watch your spouse get emotional and upset over
something serious you have done to hurt them.
Many unfaithful spouses shut down and close off any compassion and
empathy for their spouse when they see their pain because it brings up so
much guilt and shame for them.
I did this as well and it only put more of a wedge between us. But if you
have truly severed all contact with the affair partner, than you must be willing
to let yourself feel the empathy your spouse needs to see you feel for them.
Minimizing their pain by asking them to “just move on” or wanting them to
just get over it is not fair and will only hurt the healing process for both of
you.
So, be patient when your (betrayed) spouse is having a difficult day and
needs more reassurance or needs to know more about the affair.
Patience will also be needed when the same questions may get repeatedly
asked, they may just not remember the answers you gave before.
5. Show little acts of kindness, use soft answers and have humility every day.
I realize this goes against what some people think a spouse should do, as
though they might lose their identity in the process or look like a servant to
their spouse. Honestly, that’s nonsense.
If a marriage is going to last, and be truly better than before, kindness in

words and deeds need to become the new norm. Instead of answering your
spouse as you might have before, why not try a soft answer? The bible says
“a soft answer turns away wrath.” Proverbs 15:1 And I would guess your
spouse needs to work through some anger right now. This is your way of
helping them through some of that.
Come up with a list of ways you can show kindness and love to your spouse,
in ways that speaks love to them, not just what that means to you.
Gary Chapman has a popular book called “The 5 Love Languages” that I
recommend every couple read. It helps you both determine your own love
language (how that is best shown for you) and that of your spouse.
Another great book we recommend is Dr. William Harley's "His Needs, Her
Needs."
To the betrayed spouse:
6. Commit to the process of recovery and healing with your spouse.
You’ve been hurt and you don’t trust your spouse, that is understandable.
Once your spouse has ended the affair, and is honestly committed to the
healing of your marriage, that is when marriage recovery and healing truly
can be done.
But it will take both of you working hard at it.
Just know it DOES get easier over time. Your marriage can be better than
before the affair as long as both of you are truly committed to working at all
aspects of restoring the marriage.
Burn the ships for your marriage, so to speak.

So, don’t leave a way out for you to leave the marriage (hence the ship
analogy), burn any escape plan you might have when it gets hard, because
there will be hard days.
But I believe the end result will be a healed and healthy marriage, and it will
be worth all the effort and pain right now.
7. Can you consider forgiveness?

Without forgiving your spouse, your marriage will never heal and be restored.
It just can’t.
What does forgiveness mean? It means not bringing up their affair in
moments of anger, it means each day humbly remembering that if certain
circumstance and emotional elements were at play for you, that you could
have done something similar perhaps.
If you think you would never have an affair, then maybe humility is in order.
Maybe an affair would not be where you'd fail, but maybe it’s another failure.
We are all human and capable of immense failure and shame. When we
think we are too good to ever fall, we actually set ourselves up to fall because
of the pride in our hearts. So I would encourage you to do some soul
searching about your own weaknesses.
Does that excuse your spouse’s affair? Absolutely not. What they did was
wrong, and they were thinking in the short term about their needs and wants,
and that is wrong.
But there’s nothing they can do now to change it. As ‘affair fog’ begins to
dissipate, they will suddenly begin to see more clearly what they really did,
the pain they caused you and your marriage.
That was a very difficult period of time for me, and it continued to be a time
of guilt and shame for many years. I’ve had to work through that deep regret
and shame, and honestly still need to some days.
Also, it’s important to mention, forgiveness does not mean you trust them
right away.
No, they have to earn that trust back again, which I shared in the steps above,
on how to begin that process. See also this link to my blog post “What
forgiveness is not.”
8. Be careful who you tell about the affair, and who you listen to right now.
Although I realize the affair may have been going on for some time by the
time you read this, and you may have already told many people about your
spouse’s infidelity, I’m mentioning it here anyway.
There are some people who are not safe people to tell, not because they’re
bad people, but out of love and concern for you they will encourage you to
“just leave her (or him)” and “you’re too good for them anyway.”
Later, when you both decide to work on your marriage and find restoration,
some of these same people will not understand it, and may express their
disagreement. This may only cause confusion and doubt for you.
Listen, nobody has a right to tell you what you should do about this situation,
particularly when they are encouraging you to divorce.
The ramifications of divorce go far deeper and are much more painful for you,
your spouse, and your children (if you have any), than a flippant opinion of
“divorce them.”
If however, you already did tell family members and friends, and now realize
you and your spouse want to reconcile and work on restoring the marriage, I
would suggest one of 2 ways to move forward with them:
Keep your distance during those fragile first months that you both are
working at this restoration process. Sometimes it’s best not to reveal all you
are doing right now until you’re strong enough to combat any opposition.
OR,
Tell them you appreciate their concern, but you're both committed to
working on the marriage ,and you’d appreciate their support, or to please
not comment.
So basically, try to distance yourselves from anyone who is not for your
marriage surviving, or who speaks negatively about your spouse.
9. Be sure to have self-care during this stressful time.

What do I mean by self-care?
Remember to eat healthy meals regularly, even if you don’t feel like eating.
Or, don’t emotionally overeat, if that's your struggle.
Get enough sleep and be sure to see an individual counselor that will remain
objective and who will help you sort through your emotions right now.
You can read my post for even more details on this (written to a betrayed
husband but applies to a betrayed wife too) How to cope when your wife is
having an affair.
10. Be careful with your need to “know all the details” and obsessive
thinking.
Although it's normal, and necessary even, to want to know about the affair,
and you have many questions that are okay to ask, be aware when it turns
into obsessive thoughts. Some questions just won't be helpful for you.
There's such a fine line here, and nobody can tell you where that line is for
you, but think carefully before asking: “Do I really want/need to know the
details about their sex events?” “Do I want to know every single place they
went?” and many other questions like that. Here's another post on the
subject.
Also, when you're continually obsessing over these details, or comparing

yourself to the affair partner and wondering how you stack up, you're setting
yourself up for a harder road to healing and restoration.
There is something called cognitive thinking that my husband had to practice

when these thoughts would come in, trying to steal his peace and set him
back emotionally.
You can read more online about cognitive thinking, but it’s basically taking a
deliberate effort to stop what you're thinking and consciously decide to
replace it with a better thought.
Many of us should be doing this regularly.
To both of you as a couple:
11. Agree to a set amount of time to talk about the affair.
This involves both of you agreeing ahead of time to how much time you will
allot to talking about the affair (questions, pain, feelings…) and then to agree
to leave it alone for the rest of the day, or for the next few hours. Like I
mentioned earlier, we agreed to talk for 30 minutes, and even set a timer.
When the timer went off, we took a break from all affair talk.
Why this is important:
A. There is a tendency, in the beginning, to talk so much about every affair

related detail that you both feel awful for most of the day afterwards.
B. If this is all you talk about, you will grow weary of restoring your marriage
and it will be harder to build upon healing your marriage.
We figured this out on our own, that we needed to limit our conversations
about the affair to 20-30 minutes. Then we would agree to stop and do
something else. Sometimes we’d take a walk, go to the store, get something
to eat, etc… but we had to shift our time away from just talking about the
infidelity, or I seriously think we would not have made it.
So, set a timer if you need to, as we did in the beginning. And agree to stop
when the timer goes off.
12. Pray together.

I realize some of you might not pray and maybe it's a foreign idea to you.
You might not think it's relevant. But hear me out.
What do you have to lose?
Has what you’ve been doing worked for your marriage?
I believe there is a God that loves both of you and wants your marriage
healed and restored even more than you do. He created marriage and is
waiting for you to invite him into your hearts and home.
Why not change your routine and begin praying together once a day? It
doesn’t have to be some elaborate prayer, He knows your hearts and wants
to heal your broken hearts and make your marriage better than it was before.
When you hear your spouse pray from their heart, you begin to listen to what
is really on their mind and begin to bond spiritually.
Each day or night, just hold hands and pray for each other, your marriage your
kids if you have them. It’s a step I hope you don’t skip because it’s powerful
and healing.
13. Find non-sexual ways of touching, connecting and showing kindness.

Give foot massages, back rubs, hold hands more often, and cuddle in bed
before going to sleep.
All these things may seem small and insignificant, or they may even be
difficult to do at first, but if you press on and do them anyway, you'll find it
gets easier and will help tremendously in the healing process.
The second part of this is finding ways to express love and appreciation to
each other throughout the day. I talked about this in #5 for the unfaithful
spouse, but it needs to be said for both of you.
Many married people, after being married for many years, begin to neglect
the little things in their relationship. We all do it.
But you both have gone through something so difficult that can actually be
turned into a positive, if you let it. You won’t be like those old married
couples who yell and scream at each other, forgetting the treasure of what
they have.
You'll know what you almost lost, and your marriage will be stronger later
because of it. So, think back to why you fell in love to begin with. Do the
things you did in the beginning of your relationship. Speak kindly to one
another, be giving and helpful. Find ways to serve each other, every day.
14. Start slow with sex again.

Agree to go slow and only when both of you feel ready.
It may be emotional for both, yet keep expectations in check. Be gentle with
each other and be okay if one of you needs to wait a little longer.
Also, be prepared for possible memories, or flashbacks, for the unfaithful

spouse. For the betrayed spouse, there might be thoughts of comparisons,
triggers, imagining.
But when you continue to deliberately push those thoughts out, and focus on
that moment with your spouse, those intrusive thoughts become less frequent.
15. Find positive support and don’t isolate from helpful people.
Get in a small group with other people who care. Many churches have small
groups that would be helpful. Be faithful in attending. Even if you decide to
not share the struggle you are going through yet, just being with other
people, focusing on positive subjects, will really help your marriage.
Or, consider finding recovery support groups of caring people you can each
trust that will hold you both accountable for your part of healing the marriage.
The turning point for us came when we joined a small group from our church.
It was incredibly difficult for me, because they were from the same church
where many people knew what happened.
But the leaders of our group also went through this same thing, many years
earlier, and it gave us hope to see how happy they were after all they walked
through. The group was accepting and kind and it really helped us heal just
to be accountable to other people on a weekly basis.
I encourage you to try to find that in your community. Also, I have a brand
new membership called "RESTORE" for women that have ended their affair-
but need practical advice, connections and encouragement in moving forward
with their own healing, as well as knowing how to help her husband and
marriage to recover.
Here is the link for more information. The doors are only open for it a few
times per year.
16. Date your spouse again.

Remember when you starting dating? Recall together what you each thought
of the other when you met.
What attracted you to the other? What made you want to pursue the
relationship more? Do you remember the dates and those feelings of
giddiness?
It’s good to reflect on those early days. But it’s also important to build upon
that with a new relationship with each other now.
You’ve grown and changed, and it’s a good time to reconnect and fall in love
all over again. So, plan the days when you will go on a date with your
spouse, try for at least once a week.
Schedule the babysitter if needed long before. Maybe even try taking turns
planning the dates.
Even simple dates to a coffee shops, or sandwich store, are good. It doesn’t
need to be expensive or elaborate, that’s not the point. It’s just getting out
and doing something different, together. Bring playing cards or something
different to do together without having to talk about the affair all the time.
Have fun, do something different together that you wouldn’t normally do. Go
hiking, see a movie, visit a museum or the zoo. Brainstorm ideas and put
them in a jar so you’re ready to pick one for date day. We call it our ‘date jar.’
My husband and I would go to Panera (restaurant) and bring cards to play

after we ate our soup and salads. It became a sweet routine that we looked
forward to, and it helped us heal.
There was no affair talk during these dates, just time to reconnect.
17. Consider moving, if you're both triggered and can’t get past where you
live.
Is one, or both, of you feeling triggered by memories of the affair everywhere
you go in your town?
Do people at your church, work or community all know about the affair and so
you feel stuck and unable to get past it?
For the unfaithful spouse, there will be a sense of shame and guilt everywhere
they turn.
For the betrayed, it could be a continued embarrassment of what people
think, or wondering what places their unfaithful spouse went with the affair
partner.
Sometimes a new start, in a new location, would be helpful to your healing.
Away from gossip, or any places that trigger memories, or the chance of
bumping into ‘that person’ again are all valid reasons why moving could make
healing your marriage easier. Changing churches may also be necessary.
We ended up doing all of these things, it just all fell into place and it was
the right thing for us. My husband got a new job, and so we were able to
move to Colorado. We started fresh at a new church, where I didn’t have
to feel shame every time I walked in the doors.
Because that’s not what God wanted for me.
I realize moving may not be possible for you, but what can you do to
change your surroundings if one of both of you is struggling with healing
when so many people may know? Talk about that together.
18. Find a good Marriage Therapist, who's experienced with helping

couples through infidelity.
It's important to seek outside professional help after an affair, but it can
also be disastrous if you choose the wrong one. Find a counselor who
specializes in infidelity recovery.
Always ask if they are experienced working with couples. You don’t want
one who mostly does individual counseling because that is very different
than marital counseling.
Also be wary of a counselor who thinks it's a good idea to counsel each of
you separately and also together. That may sound great, but it's a terrible
idea.
Counselors are human and can easily form their own opinions and
attitudes when meeting each of you individually and together. Plus the
confidentiality issue is at risk, and how will anyone feel comfortable sharing
in that situation?
This was one of the first disasters we had with counseling, and I've heard
the same from other people too. So, a separate marriage counselor that's
just for that.
Also ask what their viewpoint is on you both staying married.
A good counselor will want to see your marriage work. They won't try to
sway you to divorce when it gets difficult, especially when you both come
in saying you want your marriage to work.
19. Listen to each other, and guard your heart against extended anger.
Of course you're going to feel angry but don't stay stuck there.
Really try to listen to the heart of your spouse, and their own pain, before
answering abruptly or wanting to get your point across.
For example, saying: “So I hear you saying that you're upset that I was at
work longer than I told you I would be.”
That is a much better response than “Hey, I had a deadline to meet and so
I needed to stay later at the office, I told you this!” See the difference?
When you each remember that your spouse is also hurting and needs
reassurance, you'll be better equipped to stop and know where the hurtful
words are coming from.
Often our words come out as attacks, when if we each listened closely,
we'd recognize it's really coming from a place of fear and a need to be
heard.
Remember too, both of you are hurting in different ways.

The betrayed spouse is hurting because all that they thought was true,
was proven wrong, and they need to learn to trust again.
You're both in a lot of pain right now, for different reasons.
Obviously the betrayed spouse is suffering a trauma from the affair; and
the unfaithful spouse will be having to face the shame from how their
infidelity caused that trauma (which usually happens fully, once the affair
fog has lifted).
So be gentle and kind with each other.
20. Just don’t give up.

There will be good days and hard days. You might feel you're making
progress only to feel a setback again. You'll want to give up some days,
and you'll wonder if you can both really get through this without constantly
thinking about the affair.
That's normal, and it's part of the recovery process. But I firmly believe if a
couple both want to have their marriage restored, it is possible. It's not
easy, but it's possible.
Remember, “Our feelings will eventually follow our decisions.” Or, where
are thoughts go our feelings will follow. It really is true.
You'll need determination, humility and a lot of forgiveness to get through

this- but think about the long term goals as a couple, and keep your eye
on that.
For my husband and I, we just kept saying we wanted to grow old
together- we didn't want to do that with anyone else.
Now, 13 years and many gray hairs later, that's becoming a reality.
But we have grand kids together now and we wouldn't have experienced
that joy alongside each other if we gave up when it got too difficult.
You can also someday have a marriage you can be proud of.
In conclusion,
I know you might not feel like doing many

of the things on this list.
You’re hurt and likely still grieving.
That’s understandable.
But if you decide to move forward and

make the decision, and determination,
to stay with each other, no turning back
(remember ‘burn the ships?),
you’ll eventually find the pain lessens,
and the trust will return.
One day you'll see that the rewards of a

restored marriage, and family,
will have been worth all the recovery work to get there.
I’m rooting for you both!
All my best,
Debbie Rose
Debbie@aftermyaffair.com

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How our marriage

By, Debbie Rose

Many would say that.

I would have even said that, just a few years ago.

But now I realize, this isn't just my story to tell. Or my husbands.

Our marriage not only survived infidelity, but it was completely

But I'm also here to offer you hope.

God can restore, renew and redeem your hard

If you're willing to walk the hard road of recovery

The details of our stories might be different, but I guarantee you,

Much grace and love,

Debbie copyright By, Debbie Rose of www.AfterMyAffair.com

I never wanted to make waves in my family.

We were completely in love.

Those years of people pleasing were starting to catch up to me; it

I didn't know how to find my own voice, especially if it meant being

We both recognized I had a problem, and I finally agreed to check

How did I get here? I asked myself as I waited to be checked in.

Jim was so supportive, and he stood by my side through all of it.

Do you relate to that?

If we're not extremely intentional about caring for our marriages,

That's exactly what was happening to us.

The bi-weekly date night was neglected.

Around this time, when I was most vulnerable and most

Something seemed familiar about him and I think I was

We shared too much emotionally with each other, that shouldn’t

It was just a simple text, or a card… 'No big deal', I thought.

But when my husband started to feel uneasy about my friendship

Sure I got off track with drinking, but I stopped drinking.

I was on an emotional roller coaster, and my feelings were now

Because we used to be so close, I couldn't keep this from my

Affairs have a power to them that most people underestimate before

If you've never been in this place, it's so incredibly hard to

As the months rolled on like this, we were losing

It breaks my heart now to think of my actions back then.

This went on for over a year, until the last straw.

But I'd never felt so alone and ashamed in all my life.

Even in all my rebellion, God never left me.

He did withdraw His peace- to bring me back home to Him. But He

Curled up on the floor, sobbing and broken, I could barely utter a

My sweet husband saw me in a puddle on the floor as I was packing

Just that he was willing to give us another chance; there's no words

I've heard mercy described as God not punishing us as our sins

But I became determined.

Of course I didn't love having to be accountable for my time, phone,

This was another consequence of adultery, and I stopped blaming

And that's what we did. We started praying more together everyday.

Despite having 3 really bad marriage counseling experiences, we

Slowly...trust grew. Like a delicate flower that needs tending to.

But then 6 months after moving to Colorado, a new trial came.

I found out at 42 years old that I had breast cancer. I couldn't

It would have been easier to give up and get divorced, honestly.

He loves you so very much. He's no respecter of person's.

What He did in my marriage, He can do in yours.

We are so thankful and blessed to still be together. To be

I have a private Facebook group called AMA Women-just for women

I also hope to see you in my membership community "RESTORE" for

Copyright © 2020 AfterGrace LLC Debbie Rose

Colorado Springs, CO 80920

I should know, because my marriage almost fell apart after 19 years, as

But after we started working these foundational 20 steps first, our

Remember, nothing worth having is ever truly easy.

I believe no marriage is without hope when they commit to forgiving and