Insert 1

There is nothing more important than

family. Just like Friedrich Nietzche once
said, “In family life, love is the oil that eases
friction, the cement that binds closer
together and the music that brings
harmony”.

Today, I had the best day in a very long

time. It was my graduation and I don’t think
that would’ve been any possible without my
family. A twenty four year old, law
graduate. I could finally see that my dreams
were finally coming true. My brothers,
Phakeme, Ntuthuko and Shaka have spent
half of their lives, proving their loyalty to
ubaba about the family business. My family
runs a logistic company and my mom sells
houses on the other side. Honestly, I don’t
care about that. I just want to start with my
career, start a law firm with my friends and
start securing my future.

Marriage. Marriage. Marriage. That has to

be the last thing on my mind honestly. I hear
people saying nice things about love, “love
is beautiful” some say it is a pretty disaster
but I just don’t give a shit about it.

Mom: Siyaziqhenya ngawe ngane yami.

(We are proud of you my daughter.)
Me: Ngiyazi ma, futhi ngiyabonga. (I know
mom and thank you.)
Dad: Nyoni, asiye estudy, sithi ukuxoxa
kancane. (Nyoni, let’s go to the study room
and have a little chat.)

I’ve always been intombazane kababa

(Dad’s little girl) from a very young age. My
dad was and is my very first love. And I’m
just hoping he is my last one. I took his hand
and followed him to the study room.
Dad: Nyoni.
Me: Baba. (Dad.)
Dad: Ngiyakuthanda. (I love you.)
Me: Uthandwa yimi baba. (I love you too
dad.)

He pours himself some whiskey and we both

take a seat then I remember that I wanted to
tell him about my law firm idea and that I
would like to borrow at least a million rand
from him to start my own law firm.
Me: Actually, I wanted to talk to you about
something baba.
Dad: Ngilalele. (I’m listening.)
Me: So, I’ve been thinking about this way
before my graduation. I think I want to start
my own law firm but with my friends
obviously.

He takes another sip from his glass.

Me: Ucabangani? (What do you think?)
Dad: Ngicabanga ukuthi isikhathi sokuthi
ushade. (I think it’s time for you to get
married.)
I laugh at that because my dad knows
exactly how I feel about love, marriage and
all that shit. I patiently wait for him to join
me as I laugh, but he doesn’t. Instead, he
takes another sip of whiskey from his glass.

Dad: What agreement did we have before

you went to Durban to study for law?
Me: What agreement?
Dad: Usukhohliwe? ( You have forgotten?)
Me: What agreement baba?
Dad: I told you that if you wanted me to pay
for your fees for all those years, then you
would have to get married after your
graduation.

Me: Baba, that is not important.

Dad: Umndeni ubalulekile Nyoni! (Family
is important.)

Yes, I know what I said about family earlier

but what he is saying right now, is crap.
Me: Baba ngiyazi but forcing me to get
married is not an option. (Dad, I know)
Dad: The law firm that you want to start,
uzoyiqala ngemali kabani? (You’re going to
start it with whose money?)
Me: Eyakho baba. (Yours Dad.)
Dad: Good. Next week, you are getting
married to Ntsika.

I stand up, still in disbelief. He cannot be

serious.
Me: Ntsika, my childhood friend?
Dad: I spoke to his parents. He is now a
qualified doctor.
Me: Baba, anginendaba whether ungu
dokotela noma uyisongama,
ANGINENDABA! I thought that as ubab’
wami uzoba nendaba ngesasa lami. (Dad, I
don’t care whether he is a doctor or a
traditional healer, I DON’T CARE! I
thought that as my dad, you cared about my
future.)
Dad: Of course, I care about your future.
Yiko ngithi, kufanele ugane. (That’s why I
am saying that you should get married.)
Me: What about my dreams?
Dad: Forget about them!

I can’t believe this man right now. I just

walked out of his study room, fuming as hell
and headed to the kitchen. I found my mom
making some tea and laughing with my
brother, Ntuthuko.
Me: Ma, ngicela ukhulume nendoda yakho.
(Mom, please talk to your husband.)
Ma: What is it?
Me: Ufuna ngishade ma! (He wants me to
get married.)
Ma: So he told you?
Me: So you knew about this? You planned a
whole wedding behind my back, for me to
get married to some stranger!
Ma: Ntsika is not a stranger.
Me: Why ningashadisi oNtuthuko? Into nje
ayaziyo ukuqeda ushukela la endlini, alethe
namantombazane awu fifty. Coloured,
Indiya, umlungu, uNtuthuko uyehla
uyanyuka namantombazane, yin’ ndaba
ningashadisi yena? (Why didn’t you plan a
marriage for Ntuthuko? The only thing that
he knows is finishing sugar in the house and
bringing in fifty girls. Coloured, Indian,
white, Ntuthuko goes up and down with
girls. Why didn’t you arrange a marriage for
him?)
Ntuthuko: This has nothing to do with me.
And show some respect, I’m still your
brother, not your friend.
Me: It has everything to do with you.
Ntuthuko: Say one more word!
Ma: Enough!

She hits the counter.

Ma: You are getting married next week,
finish and klaar!
I just went straight to my bedroom and tried
calling my girl Samantha because honestly, I
couldn’t just handle this. It was too much to
handle.

Insert 2
QAZA

Finally, I got an off day. I always work my

ass off, everyday. I’m a busy man but what I
definitely know is that I always try by all
means to make time for my family. My
daughter, mom and little sister are the only
reason I’m always trying to protect my
integrity by being a good, honest man to
them. I’ve been working as a driver for
almost five years now, since my daughter’s
birth, for Ndlovu Logistics Pty(Ltd)
Company.

I am twenty six years of age and I still feel

like I’m the most useless man on earth. I
graduated years back but I still have my
marketing certificate at home, that has
brought me nothing but just stress. I’ve been
job hunting for years now but no luck.

My family is the only thing that matters to

me. My mother and I were baking scones.
She likes baking them every Friday and
Saturday for the Sunday school kids. Today
I was happy because I got to get the chance
to fetch my daughter, Lethokuhle from
preschool. Honestly, she is the only thing
that makes sense in my head.
Her mother died two years back due to an
overdose of pills. No one knows why she
killed herself because she didn’t even leave
a note to explain. I hated her for that but my
mother has always taught me about
forgiveness and the importance of
forgiveness and I guess, I took it from there.
Now, I forgave her.

I checked the time and it was already 4pm.

Me: Kanti ubuya nini uKhethiwe eskolweni?
(When does Khethiwe come back from
school?)
Mama: She mentioned maths extra classes
this morning.
Me: Haike, let me go and fetch Letho from
school.
I said as I took out my apron and placed it
on the table, gave my mom a kiss on her
cheek and headed out. My car has been
giving me problems lately, so just to make
life easier for me and everyone else, I
decided to walk to Letho’s school.

When I got there, she noticed me quickly

and ran for me hurriedly. I picked her up and
spun her around. She started giggling like
she always does when I play with her.
Letho: Hello baba.
Me: Yebo nkosazane kababa. (Hey daddy’s
princess)

I greeted the teachers, took her bag and I

picked her up. I placed her right on my neck,
with both her legs lying on top of my
shoulders. She kept on kicking her feet and
started telling me about her day.
Me: Uyay’funa I-ice cream? (Do you want
ice cream?)
Letho: Kuyabanda baba.

My little girl is something else, it wasn’t

even that cold. I heard a sound of a speeding
car behind us and as I tried to look back, it
was already late. It knocked us over.

NYONI

I don’t know how I got here but I can tell

that I’m in a hospital. I try to move but my
head hurts. I try to touch my forehead with
my left hand but it is handcuffed.
Handcuffed? I look over to my right side of
the bed and I notice Ntuthuko scanning the
hospital room, while eating an apple.
Me: Nthuthuko.

He continues scanning around the room and

pretends as if he cannot hear that I’m calling
him.
Me: Ntuthu!

Our older brother, Phakeme walks in and I

sigh in relief.
Me: Bhut Phakeme, what’s going on? What
am I doing in a hospital bed and why the
hell am I handcuffed?
Phakeme: That’s for drinking and driving.
Me: What?
Phakeme: A five year old just died because
of your irresponsibility. A man is fighting
for his life because of your stupidity and
selfishness. When are you going to stop
acting like a fucken cunt Nyoni?

Tears just flow down my cheeks. Not

because of Bhut Phakeme’s words but
because of what he just mentioned. A five
year old?
Phakeme: Why are you crying? You’re not
the one who has lost a daughter here, or a
grandchild or maybe a sister. That little
innocent soul had a family. You’re in this
alone.
He throws me with a picture but my eyes are
just too blurry to look and I’m in pain. He
clicks his tongue.
Phakeme: Asambeni Ntuthu. (Let’s go
Ntuthu.)

He walks out. Before Ntuthu walks out, he

looks at me and just shakes his head. I try to
look at the picture that he just threw me with
and it’s of a little girl.

I try to remember what the hell happened. I

close my eyes and I remember arguing with
my father. I remember calling Samantha and
she never picked it up. I remember driving
myself to the bar and having some alcohol. I
don’t remember driving back home but
surely I took the wrong way. I remember
laughing at myself but I don’t remember
anything after that.

Think. Think. Think. I try to think as far as I

can, but nothing comes to my mind after
that.

I look at the picture again and I can’t help

but break down again. After a few minutes,
the doctor and the police officer walk in.
There’s also police involved in this? I’m in
deep shit.
Dr: Ms Ndlovu. How are you feeling?

I don’t even know how to answer that

question with that police officer staring at
me like I’m some thief, secondly I wasn’t
fine but how does the bad guy say that? Yes,
I’m just a bad guy. I’m the villain here.
The doctor starts touching my forehead that
also hurts. She torches my eyes and checks
my pulse.
Doctor: I think she’s good to go officer.

Good to go where? Home? Behind bars?

Good to fucken go where? I have a better
idea. Let me just act like I have amnesia. In
that way, they’ll think I lost my memory,
feel sorry for me, send me to a mental
hospital or something. Okay, that’s a crazy
place too. But it’s better than prison.

The police officer frees my hand from the

handcuff. The doctor comes back with my
clothes and shows me where the change
room is. I take the photo with me and head
to the change room. I change into my black
tracksuits and put on my white Adidas
sneakers. I take a quick look at my face by
the mirror and I am a mess. A pretty mess
though.

I walk back to the hospital room. The police

officer takes out the other handcuffs from
his pocket and when I try to run back to the
change room, his voice scares the hell out of
me.
Police officer: Yey!

He comes to my direction and starts

handcuffing me again. He pushes me to
walk outside and now all the eyes are on me.
Luckily, I was wearing a tracksuit so people
couldn’t see my face. The police officer put
me at the back of a police van and locked
me in.

This shit was real, I was really going to

prison for killing an innocent baby. That’s
when all my tears came back and I couldn’t
even wipe my tears, since I was handcuffed.
The police officer was just speeding the car
on purpose because it threw me everywhere,
right at the back of the van. I couldn’t even
help myself sit up.

After a long drive, the police officer pulled

over. Here I was, going to spend the rest of
my life in prison because of my stupidity.
The police officer unlocked the door and
asked me to go out or he was going to drag
me out.
I just started crying again until I noticed
Phakeme approaching the van.
Phakeme: Fusek, phuma wena. (Go out.)

Out of all my three brothers, Phakeme is the

strictest and never takes shit. I just crawled
myself out until I noticed that I was at home.
This stupid police officer drove me home.
Me: Remove these things tuu.
Phakeme: Haibo, sboshwa. (prisoner.)

The police removed the handcuffs from me.

Police officer: Had to make it look real.

I just walked inside the house and the whole

family was sitting there, patiently waiting
for me. My mother quickly ran to me and
hugged me. I know I messed up, I know I
killed a four or five year old but what I
needed was a hug.
Dad: Uyihlazo Nyoni! (You are an
embarrassment Nyoni.)

He walked away.
Ma: Usadiniwe. Asambe ngiyokuvulela
amanzi okugeza. (He’s still mad. Let’s go
open water for you to bath.)

When I was taking that bath, I couldn’t help

but think of that little innocent soul that I
took. I just cried the whole time. When I
was done taking a bath, I wore my other
warm tracksuits with winter socks and sat on
bed, still holding the picture of that young
girl.

She looked so pretty, so beautiful and

innocent and I savagely took her life.
Mistakes happen yes, but I don’t think I’ll
ever forgive myself for this stupid mistake
that I made. I am a lawyer, I am supposed to
fight for what is right. But instead, I took an
innocent soul.

I heard a soft knock on my door and I

quickly wiped my tears. Shaka came in and
sat on top of the bed.
Me: You’re also here to tell me that I’m
selfish?
He didn’t say much, he just gave me a hug. I
warm hug that I’ve been longing for. I didn’t
want to hear a person telling me about how
much of a bad person I was, I just wanted a
simple hug.
Me: I don’t deserve to be here Shaka.
Shaka: Shh.

He looked at me and wiped my tears.

Shaka: You’re not even a yellow bone
kodwa upink oe. (but you are pink my
friend.)

That made me laugh. Shaka just knows how

to make me laugh. He comes before me and
the reason I just love being around him is
because he understands me. That’s one thing
about gays. They’ll always understand a part
of you that no one else does. He’s not really
out of the closet yet because you know how
Zulu families react to such things, especially
my dad.

Shaka: Okay, tshela mina ukhala ngani.

(Okay, tell me what you need)
Me: I need to see if he’s okay or not.
Shaka: That’s too risky. People don’t know
that it’s you yet. And what if he remembers
your face? And your father made it clear that
he doesn’t want you to leave the premises
until wedding preparations take place.
Me: What the fuck is wrong with him? He’s
serious about the wedding vele?
Shaka: More than serious.
Me: Take me to the hospital, please.
Shaka: This person just lost his daughter, he
is one of our employees, we can’t have this
coming back at us.
Me: It won’t, trust me.

Insert 3

My Life Science teacher, Mr Reece once

told us that when you feel something, like
getting hurt, your heart has nothing to do
with that. He would say, “If your boyfriend
or girlfriend does something that doesn’t
make you feel alright or hurts you and you
claim that your heart is broken, that’s a lie”.
We always laughed about that and
according to him, the limbic system is the
one that is responsible for your emotions.

Honestly, I don’t even know why the hell I

did Life Sciences in high school but it was
actually my favourite subject. Presently, I’m
watching a whole human being fighting for
his life. Truth be told? I feel like I have a
hole in my heart. I am so hurt. Mr Reece did
say that your heart has nothing to do with
your emotions but right now, I can feel my
heart tearing apart.

Shaka: I just got a text from ubaba and he’s

asking about your whereabouts.
I’m pretty sure you’re asking yourself a lot
of questions. Why am I not behind bars?
What am I still doing here? How did I get
in? Well, my rich, protective family is the
reason I’m not behind bars. I’m here
because I have a heart. I feel for this man
and his daughter. My family has connections
almost everywhere so that is why I was able
to come in here.

Shaka: Nyoni.

I look at him and quickly wipe my tears.

Shaka: Let’s go.

I hold this man’s hand and say a silent

prayer. I’m just hoping that he makes it out
alive, otherwise I will never in my life
forgive myself. I hold his hand and pray
silently that when he wakes up and finds that
his daughter is gone, he finds the strength to
face everything.

Shaka and I went back home and when we

got home, the whole family was waiting for
us.
Dad: Did you see the time? Do you know
how worried we were? And I thought I made
it clear that you’re not allowed to go out.
Me: It’s only nine pm baba.
Mom: Nibuya kuphi Shaka? (Where do you
come from Shaka?)
Shaka: Nyoni asked me to drive her to the
shops so that she can buy some “girls stuff”.
On our way back from the hospital with
Shaka, we passed by the shops and bought
some pads.
Me: If you want to ask what “girls stuff”, I
ran out of pads baba.

I just leave everyone there and walk to my

bedroom. I threw myself on top of my bed
and just thought about my life. How did I
get here? My phone rings and it interrupts
my thoughts. I check who it is and it is
Samantha.
Samantha: Girl.
Me: Yeah.
Samantha: Nyoni, waba muncu sisi, yini?
(Nyoni, you are so sour sister, what is it?)
Me: Firstly, you just went AWOL on me for
the past few days and..
Samantha: One day hawu.
Me: But still, I needed you. I need you
friend. Like a lot is happening.
Samantha: Spill.
Me: I can’t say everything over the phone
but I’m getting married in two days time.
Samantha: NYONI!
Me: I know.
Samantha: Tomorrow, I’m definitely
coming. I need to see you.
Me: I’m just so tired Sam.
Samantha: Tomorrow six am, I’ll be there.
You’ll be fine.
Me: Cats would literally rain if you came
here at six am.
Samantha: You will see. Bye!
She hangs up. Back to thinking about my
crazy, little, messy world. Before I knew it, I
was already sleeping.

I was woken up by a very loud sound. I

opened my eyes and it was Samantha hitting
a pot with a spoon.
Me: Fusek.

I hate it when a person disturbs my sleep.

Like dude, why the hell are you disturbing
my peace? I don’t care who it is, just don’t
disturb my sleep. She takes off her shoes
and climbs the bed. Before I knew it, she
was just jumping on top of the bed and she
threw herself on top of me then started
laughing.
I know you probably think that she is drunk
but she isn’t. This is how she acts when she
misses me too much. She starts kissing my
whole face and I have no other choice but to
sit up.
Me: I wish I had your energy. Uyithengisa
ngemalini? (It is how much?)
Samantha: Mxm.

She hugs me and I instantly start crying.

Me: I messed up Sam. Like I really messed
up.
Sam: Shh.
Me: Do you think that I’m a bad person?

She wipes my face and smiles.

Sam: There is no such thing called “bad
people”.
Me: Why do you say that?
Sam: Because we are just people but we do
bad things sometimes.
Me: Okay Dr Phil.
Sam: Got that from a book that I was
reading last night.
Me: It’s a pity that I don’t read books.
Sam: Enough about books, who are you
getting married to?
Me: Ntsika Zwane.
Sam: Doctor?
Me: Yebo. (Yes.)
Sam: Wait, you guys were..
Me: Not even. My father knows his father so
apparently they arranged a whole marriage
behind my back.
Sam: Your Zulu family girl. How do you
feel about this whole thing?
Me: I don’t know. I killed a person Sam.
Sam: You have never even killed a fly in
your life, shut up.
Me: I’m serious. That day when I called you
and you went all AWOL on me, I went to
the bar alone. I had too much alcohol and I
drove in the middle of somewhere and
bumped on people with my car.
Sam: People?
Me: A father and his daughter. The daughter
is dead.
Sam: So it was a hit and run?
Me: Honestly, I don’t remember anything.
Sam: Nyoni.
Me: I know.
Sam: You have to do something about this.

My mother got inside my room and greeted

Samantha.
Mom: Get ready, your in laws are coming
today.
Me: Ma, vele nizimisele ngalento yenu?
(Mom, you guys are really serious about this
thing?)
Mom: I’ll bring you clothes to wear.

I didn’t even have the strength to answer her

back. She went out of the room.
Sam: This shit is real.
My mother bought me a very long denim
skirt, a white t-shirt with a white cardigan
and a green deok. Out of all the colours, she
chose a green deok. Samantha, my mom and
I were helping out in the kitchen and my in
laws were discussing some matters with my
father and my uncle in the living room. I
really cannot believe this is real.
We cooked some steamed bread, with stew
and chicken and a few salads including
spinach and chakalaka. My mother told me
that my “soon-to-be” husband was sitting
outside by the garden and I had to take the
food to him. Before doing that, I had to go
and greet my in laws. After that, I took
Ntsika’s plate and I went outside.
He was facing the other side and couldn’t
see that I was right behind him. He was
looking at the flowers, trees, birds and the
sky.
Me: Admiring nature?

He turned to look at me and smiled.

Ntsika: Honestly, I’m just deep in my
thoughts.

He had a normal, nice hair cut and he was

wearing a black Jean, with vans sneakers, a
black and white t-shirt with a black jacket on
top. I gave him his food and we both sat by
the bench.
Me: Do you want to do this?
Ntsika: Do I have a choice?
Me: When did you find out about this?
Ntsika: Two weeks back, you?
Me: Right after my graduation, this week.
Honestly, I don’t want to get married to you
or anyone else Ntsika. I just want to pursue
my career in law and do what I love.
Ntsika: I also want to focus on my career.
Want to know the worst part? I had to break
up with my girlfriend.
Me: I’m sorry to hear that.
Ntsika: It’s okay.

We both kept quiet and admired the beauty

together.
Ntsika: I need a favour.
Me: What favour?
Ntsika: I want us to have a baby together.
I stood up and looked at him in so much
disbelief.
Me: Shuthi mawubuka mina, ubona ibaby
maker? (So when you look at me, you see a
baby maker?)
Ntsika: It’s not about that. After the
pregnancy, my dad and your dad will be
very happy. They’ll think that we are happy
together and leave us alone. I’ll help you
build up your career and I’ll go back and be
with Bontle. I mean, my girlfriend.
Me: Ntsika, no!
Ntsika: I’m asking just nine months from
you. Just think about it.

What Ntsika was asking from me was very

huge. One, I wasn’t ready to be a whole
mother. I can’t even take care of myself,
what more if I have a whole baby? This was
just too much for me.

Insert 4

We were waiting outside Qaza’s house.

Sam: He stays here?
Ntuthuko: Apparently, yes.

Ntuthuko and I have a love-hate

relationship. He is my brother and I hate
that. But of course, I love him because he is
my brother. I’m not even sure if that even
makes sense, but yeah.
Ntuthuko: This is a stupid idea.
Sam: I agree.
Me: Didn’t you say that I should do
something about this?
Sam: Yes.
Me: Then I’m doing something.

I went out of the car and opened the car

boot. We were in the township so everyone
was outside, looking at us. Ntuthu and Sam
helped me take out the groceries that we
bought today for Qaza’s family. It’s the least
that I could possibly do.

The three of us got inside the yard and

knocked on the door. It was just a normal
yard and house. After seconds, this other girl
that looked like a teenager opened the door.
Sam: That’s his other daughter?
Me: Awuthule. (Just shut up.)
Ntuthu: Khuluma Nyoni. (Talk Nyoni)
Girl: Can I help you?
Me: Hi. Uh, does Qaza stay here?
Girl: Who’s asking?
Ntuthu: His boss.

She looked at me and smiled.

Girl: Nyoni Ndlovu?

Yep, that’s what happens when you come

from a rich, known family. Everyone knows
you.
Me: Yeah.
Girl: Please come in.

The three of us made our way in. There was

a woman, not too old, looked like she was
on her early fifties in the kitchen. She was
cooking.
Girl: Mama, nangu umlungu kaBhut Qaza.
(Mom, this is Bhut Qaza’s boss.)

She smiled at me and came to hug me and

Sam.
Ntuthu: Besilethe loku ma. (We brought this
ma.)

Ntuthu showed her the plastics that he was

holding. We placed everything by the table.
Woman: Thank you so much. Please follow
me.

We all followed her to the dining room. It

was a really nice dining room, not very huge
but clean. We all sat down.
Me: Sizwile ngo Qaza ma. (We heard about
Qaza ma.)
Nthuthu: What happened ma?
Woman: I was with Qaza in the house and
he was helping me with scones because I
always bake for the Sunday school kids. He
told me that he had to fetch his daughter, my
granddaughter, uLetho from school. It’s not
really far from here, it’s a walking distance.
Two hours passed by and they were still not
back. Until the guy from next door came
here and told me that uQaza and Letho were
bumped by an unknown car. No one saw
anything because apparently, it was a hit and
run.

Why don’t I remember all of this

happening? Was I that drunk?
Woman: Letho and his father are still at the
hospital, fighting for their lives.

I looked at her, so confused. Isn’t this child

dead?
Me: Letho is still alive?
Woman: Yes but my little soldier is fighting
for her life.
Ntuthu: Kuzomele sihambe ma. (We have to
go Ma.)
Woman: Let me not hold you back.

She walked us out to the car. Qaza’s

younger sister asked for a picture with me
and she was very excited to see me.
Ntuthu push started the car and it went all
silent.
Sam: Didn’t you say his daughter died?

I looked at Ntuthu, still fuming as hell. All

these sleepless nights, I blamed myself for
killing a five year old, only to find out that
she is not dead.
Ntuthu: Okay fine, I also had to lie.
Phakeme asked me to.
Me: Really Ntuthu?
Ntuthu: This was just to scare you Nyoni.
The fact that Letho is not alive doesn’t mean
that you didn’t bump into her with your car.
She has slim chances of making it, she’s in
ICU fighting for her life.

What he said, did make sense honestly. We

dropped Sam off and drove home. Luckily,
this time no one was waiting for me.

SAMANTHA
I go by the name of Samantha Radebe. I’m
twenty four years old of age and I work as a
teacher at a primary school. . Nyoni and I
went to the same university. She always
helped when I was in need because I had no
one to help me at that time. Since then, we
have been inseparable.

I stay alone and currently I’m not dating. I

did have something going on with Phakeme.
Yes, my best friend’s brother but Nyoni
never knew about it. If she ever finds out
about this, then it is going to cost my
friendship with her. Nyoni and I made a
promise when we were in varsity that her
brothers were off limits and they were also
my brothers. But Phakeme and I connected
from the very first day when we met. We
exchanged numbers, started talking and we
secretly saw each other. Every week, he
always came to Durban and we would
secretly spend some time together. At first I
thought that we were having a relationship
but Phakeme was in it for something else.
Since then, it has just been nothing but vibes
between us.

I know, I know, I know I look like a bad

friend or something but his brothers are just
too hot, including Shaka who is gay.
Ntuthuko is just not my type. He gives ‘f’
boy vibes, has tattoos and piercings. They
look very good on him but he’s just not my
type and I’m definitely not his.

I went inside my apartment, I switched on

the lights and took off my shoes. He was
leaning by the wall, with his arms folded
and legs crossed.
Me: What are you doing here? How did you
get in?
Phakeme: Hawu, MaBhungane.
Me: Don’t MaBhungane me, just leave.

He was wearing black redbat tracksuits with

black sneakers. He came and stood next to
me.
Me: I’m tired of being used by you
Phakeme. This sneaky link shit that has been
going on between us, it is over. And
furthermore, I cannot risk my friendship
with Nyoni because of this.
Phakeme: Oh, sesiyi “this”? (Oh, we are
now “this”?)
Me: Phakeme, please leave.
Honestly, I didn’t want him to leave but I
didn’t want to show him that. He brought his
face close to my neck and I could feel his
warm breath.
Me: You smell amazing.

He kissed my forehead and walked out.

Phew. This man can never quit making me
feel some butterflies every time he is around
me. Honestly, I loved Phakeme but I
couldn’t afford to be one of his side chicks
or one night stands acquaintances. I was
looking for real love and honestly, he wasn’t
going to give me that.

Insert 5
QAZA

I know I have a huge head but it never feels

heavy like it does right now. I open my eyes
and try to sit up but I’m just in so much
pain.
Guy: Take it easy mfo. (brother.)

I look at this person and realise that it is

Zwelethu, a friend of mine.
Me: What am I doing in a hospital?
Lethu: Someone bumped you and Letho
with a car.
As soon as I hear him mention my daughter,
I immediately sit up.
Me: Uphi uLetho? (Where is Letho?)
Lethu: She’s in the other ward.
Me: Is she okay?
Lethu: They just took her out of the ICU, so
she will be okay.
Me: What the hell happened?
Lethu: No one knows, it was a hit and run.

My mother and Khethiwe, my little sister

walk in. As soon as Khethi sees that I’m up,
she runs for me and hugs me.
Me: Ouch.
Khethi: I missed you Bhut Qaza.

She looks at me and I see that she has teary

eyes. She hugs me again and I kiss the top of
her head.
Me: Ngiyakuthanda yezwa? (I love you
okay?)
She nods and smiles. My mother just stands
by the door and looks at us, with a huge
smile on her face.
Mom: God is good.
Me: All the time.
Lethu: All the time.
All: God is good.

We all laugh right after saying that. God is

really good.
Me: Is Letho okay?
Mom: The doctor said that she needs some
rest.
Me: Is she okay ma?
Mom: She is. Letho is very strong.
Khethi: She is. And all thanks to Bhut
Zwelethu for taking care of us while you
were away.

I know Lethu always has my back. He is like

a brother to me.
Me: Ngiyabonga mfethu. (Thank you
brother.)

He winks at me and smiles.

Khethi: And guess who came to our house?
Nyoni Ndlovu!
Me: Ubani manje loyo? (Who is that?)
Khethi: Really? Who doesn’t know Nyoni?
Ma: Ingane kaBab Ndlovu. (Mr Ndlovu’s
daughter.)
Khethi: She came with his brother and I
think her friend. They brought groceries.
Me: And who asked them?
Ma: They were just being nice.
Me: Mxm.

I rest for just a while and people think that

they can play some ‘goodie good’ with my
family.
Lethu: I have to head back to work.
Ma: Asambeni ke. (Let’s go then.)

Khethi gives me a kiss on my cheek along

with a very warm hug.
Ma: I’ll bring you proper food tomorrow.
Me: There’s no tomorrow, I’m leaving this
place today.
Ma: Qaza.
Me: You know how I feel about hospitals
ma. I’m leaving today.
Khethi: If you’re going to argue with Bhut
Qaza, you’ll just be wasting your time and
energy ma. You know how stubborn he is.
Lethu: Ukhand’ elimtshel’ okwakhe.

They all laugh at me and head out.

NYONI

Honestly, I can’t believe that I’m getting

married tomorrow. My dad’s family just
arrived and they’ve been congratulating me
about my graduation and wedding. The
wedding dress was ready, perfect size but I
didn’t feel good in it. I hated this whole
thing. I just wanted to die and wake up after
three months, with a law firm. But all of that
was impossible.

They brought me a new driver, Boiki. I went

to him and asked him to drive me to the
hospital. I had to see if Letho was okay or
not. Along with his father, Qaza. I have
never even seen him in my whole life.
Maybe I have seen his face before but I
don’t know him because apparently he
works for my family.

When I got to the hospital, I saw a random

nurse just passing. I ran to her and held her
hand. She turned and looked at me.
Me: Hey.

I showed her a picture of Letho, the one that

I got from Phakeme.
Me: I’m looking for this child, have you
seen her?

She takes the picture from me and looks at

it.
Nurse: Who are you?
Me: Oh, I’m her mother.

She looks at me and then the picture. What

if this child has a mother and here I am
claiming a child that is not even mine?
Me: Stepmom.
Nurse: Follow me.
I take the picture from her and exhale.
Relieved. I follow her to the kids ward and
she takes me to Letho’s room.
Nurse: Before you head out, go to the
security guard and sign that you were here.
Me: Thank you.

She walks out. I walk closer to Letho’s bed

and I can see that she’s badly hurt. She’s
more pretty in real life, extremely cute. I run
my thumb on her forehead where she has a
fresh, huge scar. Tears just flow down my
cheeks. What have I done? Thank God she’s
still alive and she’s not surrounded by those
hectic pipes or whatever. I have faith that
she is going to wake up.
I sit on top of a chair placed right in front of
her bed. I start singing her a lullaby that my
mother used to sing for me when I was still a
kid. Something shocks me when I hear an
unfamiliar voice behind me.
Guy: What are you doing here?

I turn to look at him and I quickly stand up.

He is very tall and dark in complexion.
Guy: Who are you and what business do you
have with my daughter?

Shit. He is the father. He is Qaza.

Insert 6

My father often says that I always have an

answer to everything. Here I was, a victim
of Murphy’s law. I surrendered myself to the
slaughter.

I held out my hand and smiled.

Me: Nyoni.

He just looked at my hand and then me.

Qaza: Wuwe lo othengele umndeni wami
igroza? (You’re the one who bought my
family groceries?)
Me: Yes.
Qaza: And who asked you?

He folded his arms and looked at me. I don’t

know if it’s exaggeration or what but this
nigga scares the shit outta me.
Me: No one did. I was just being..
Qaza: Nice?
Me: Yes.
Qaza: You and I don’t even know each
other, yet you out here buying groceries for
my family. Next thing, you’re here singing
lullabies for my daughter. What do you
want?
Me: I was just being nice bhuti.
Qaza: Thank you for being nice. You can go
now.
Me: You’re too sexy for the drama that
you’re causing right now. Have a good day
Q.
Qaza: Qaza to you.
Me: Whatever.
I just walked out, already feeling so pissed.
Who does he think he is? Some men are just
so creepy and mean for no reason. As I was
about to get inside the car, someone called
my name.

I looked behind me and it was him rushing

to me.
Qaza: You forgot this.

Shit, the photo. He gave me a more creepy,

nasty look.
Qaza: Stay the hell away from my daughter.
Or I will kill you.

He walked away. I just ignored him and got

inside the car. Boiki drove me back home.
QAZA

The doctors told me that Letho was going to

be fine. My daughter is a fighter, just like
his dad. When Zwelethu knocked off, he
came to pick me up at the hospital. I wasn’t
planning on spending another night in this
place.

Lethu: At work, they are looking for a

marketing assistant and I thought of you my
brother.
Me: Not interested. I don’t want to get my
hopes up with nothing.
Lethu: Come on. Just try your luck.
Me: I’ll give you my CV. Thank you for
everything.
Lethu: You know I got you. Speaking of
that, my friend invited me to a wedding and
I’m not interested in going.
Me: Mina nje ngihalele ukudla kwase
mshadweni. (I’m just craving for wedding
food.)

We both laughed at that.

Lethu: Okay, tomorrow 12 pm, be ready.

He dropped me off. There was a very fancy

car, parking by the gate. Before I knew it,
she went out of the car and came to me.
Nyoni: Q.
Me: Qaza.
Nyoni: I didn’t like what you said earlier.
Me: Okay, manje mina ngihlanganaphi
nalokho? (Okay, what does that have to do
with me?)
Nyoni: You work for my family and they
know you. They spoke about you being
bumped by an unknown car and as a law
graduate, as a person that always fights for
what is right, that bothered me. That is why
I bought you groceries and I went to see
Letho in hospital.

I just ignored her and opened the gate. She

followed me in.
Me: What is your problem? Go home! Your
family is probably waiting for you, it is late.
Nyoni: I’m so sorry that I look entitled in
your eyes.
Me: Uyangifuna Nyoni? (Do you want me
Nyoni?)
Nyoni: What?
Me: Please leave.
Nyoni: I don’t want to.

This spoilt brat is definitely a psycho. I just

left her there and headed to the door but she
ran before me and stood by the door of my
room that is outside.
Me: If you don’t move, I’m going to call the
police.
Nyoni: Then go ahead Q.

That’s when I realised that she is drunk.

Me: What is wrong with you?
Nyoni: I want you to say sorry.
Me: Ngiyaxolisa Nyoni. Move ke. (I’m
sorry Nyoni. Move then.)

She just jumped to me and started kissing

me. I pushed her back.
Me: You are drunk.

I picked her up and placed her on my right

shoulder. I unlocked the door. I put her on
top of my bed and she was already sleeping.
Rich girls.

I went outside to check out the car that she

came here with. I parked her car inside the
yard and locked it. My mom and Khethiwe
went out of the house.
Khethi: You bought a new car Bhut Qaza?
Me: It’s not mine.
Ma: Kodwa mntanam, ubuya nje esbhedlela,
sowuya shayela. (My child, you just came
back from the hospital and you are already
driving.)

I just smiled. My mom loves worrying about

me and it’s now that I realise that she is
getting older.

I slept on the couch. When I woke up, I

thought I was going to find her sleeping but
she was gone. She left a note for me on top
of the bed..
“Thank you for yesterday. 079 157 3811,
please call me.”

I smiled. I don’t know why but I was

smiling. The whole room smelled like her.

Insert 7
NYONI

I really don’t get it. How can a person be

this handsome? Qaza is a definition of
perfect. His huge eyelashes are visible with
his eyes still closed. He looks so peaceful. I
took the notebook that was placed right on
top of his desk. I wasn’t trying to read his
stuff and plans for the months but with what
I was seeing now, he looked like a very
responsible man.
On his list for next month, there were
clothes for his daughter listed, fixing his car,
his sister’s school fees, his mother’s funeral
cover, groceries and everything else. On the
list, he wasn’t even included. A man that
puts his family first is definitely a walking
green flag. I took out a page and thanked
him for yesterday. I wrote my phone
numbers for him and placed the note on top
of the bed.

It was still very early but I had to go. I was

getting married today. I kissed his forehead,
took my car keys and then I walked out. He
even parked my car inside the yard for me. I
opened the gate and I drove out.

Yesterday’s story, I got really drunk. I don’t

know how I managed to dodge Boiki, my
driver but honey, I did. I drove all the way to
Qaza’s house and his sister told me that he
was probably on his way back from hospital.
I waited for him and when he arrived, I
don’t even know why but I got too excited.
Let’s talk about the kiss. It didn’t even last
for at least five seconds but I kissed him. I
don’t know why the hell I did that but I
don’t even regret doing that.

For someone who is about to get married, I

should be worried, I should be feeling guilty
for kissing Qaza but honestly, I am a zero
percent worried. I’m pretty sure my dad sent
a whole search party to look for me. I texted
Ntuthu and told him that I was okay because
he called me a whole bunch of times.

I wanted to think about my family, my new

husband, Ntsika’s proposal about the baby
but instead, I was thinking about that four
seconds kiss with Qaza. I don’t care if he
pushed me back or not, it happened. We
kissed. I wanted to drive back and argue
with Qaza, argue with him and kiss him
again. There was something pleasing about
his rudeness, the way he made me feel, his
scariness and everything, there was just
something about him. I really hope I’m not
falling for the guy.
The guards opened the gates for me and I
made my way in. My whole family, I mean
my whole family went out, still wearing
gowns and pyjamas. My dad’s sister, Auntie
Sbongile quickly ran to me and hugged me.
Sbo: Everyone was worried about you.
Me: I’m fine.

My dad looked like he was about to explode.

He was extremely mad, I could tell.
Dad: Follow me.

I greeted everyone, did as instructed and I

followed him. We went to his study.
Dad: Nyoni.
Me: Baba.
Dad: Where were you?
Me: I was with Samantha.
Dad: Quit the lies and tell me where the hell
you were.

Truly speaking, I was getting tired of my

father treating me like a teenager or
something. Even teenagers aren’t treated
like this.
Me: Baba, I have been a very good daughter
to you for all these years. You’ve been a
good dad too but lately, I’m not even sure if
you are my father or not. You are nothing
but a control freak. Maybe you have always
been one but it’s exceedingly irritating. As
we speaking, I am forced to get married to a
man that I don’t even love. Do you know
that Ntsika had to break up with the love of
his life because of your selfishness?
Wherever she is, she’s hurt. She is
someone’s daughter. Ntsika is also hurt but
he doesn’t have a choice because everything
always goes your way, right? Your way or
the high way. I really hope that my marriage
with Ntsika eats me up, bit by bit until I die.
I hope I die and maybe then, you will realise
how selfish you are.

I didn’t wait for him to reply me, I went out.

I could tell, what I said to him really hurt
him.

QAZA
I wanted to call her now but I wanted to save
that for later. I was still admiring myself on
the mirror. I wore black pants, with a white
shirt and I unbuttoned the first two buttons, I
was wearing my black formal footwear and
a watch. I was still deciding about the
shades. My haircut was still perfectly fine.
Zwelethu made his way in and my friend
also looked like a fireball, very hot.
Lethu: We are entering them my boy.

We both laughed. I really can’t get over

Lethu’s craziness.
Me: So where is this wedding?
Lethu: Something called Shepson or Stepson
Garden, I don’t know.
Me: Stepson.
We both laughed. We went out and I locked
my room. I went to the house to tell my
mom that we were heading out. She couldn’t
stop complimenting and praising us. My guy
and I really looked amazing, I have to say.

We went to the bottle store and we bought

some alcohol. It was really going down
today. I was already excited for the day.

NYONI

I’ve been sitting on this chair for a very long

time, doing make up. My hairdresser also
wrapped up everything and I was looking
beautiful. Beautiful and unhappy.
My wedding dress fit me so well. It was an
off-shoulder mermaid tail white dress. It
traced my whole body so perfectly.
Samantha: You look hot mngani. (friend.)
Me: Hot and unhappy.

Sam asked everyone else to excuse us.

Sam: Friend, stop beating yourself up for
nothing. You are getting married and that’s a
good thing. Don’t worry, one day you will
love Ntsika wholeheartedly. Yall will be
happy together, you will even forget that
you were once unhappy about this whole
thing. You will thank your Dad for doing
this. I definitely know that he isn’t doing
this to get you hurt or something. He knows
what he’s doing.
Me: Thank you friend.
Samantha: A few minutes from now, you’re
going to walk down that isle. Don’t look
unhappy, it doesn’t suit you.
Me: Happiness suits me.
Samantha: Nje!

Maybe she was right. Maybe I just had to

forget about Qaza and be realistic about my
life.

QAZA

This fool, Lethu didn’t say anything about

going to a Ndlovu wedding. We arrived at
Shepstone Gardens and the wedding was
about to start. I couldn’t stop scanning
everywhere for Nyoni. I wanted to see her.
The violin started playing and the groom
was already standing there, with a black suit.
Who was getting married?

The violin continued playing and when the

bride appeared, everyone started ululating.
She was covered with a white vail. The
bride’s wedding dress was really beautiful.
My mind was just not there, I was still
scanning for Nyoni.

Okay, I came to a wedding, not Nyoni. I

tried avoiding the voice that was forcing me
to continue scanning for Nyoni and actually
focused on the wedding.
Phakeme was walking out the bride on the
isle. They both reached the groom and the
pastor. The bride faced the groom and
everyone continued ululating.

The groom removed the bride’s vail and

that’s when I realised that it was actually
Nyoni. Nyoni was the bride. What the...?
Insert 8

NYONI

Here I was, staring at a man that was going

to be my husband, a man that I didn’t even
feel a thing for, a man that I was starting to
hate because of my dad’s selfishness, a man
that wanted to have a baby with me, my
husband actually. I didn’t want to do this but
did I have a choice? I didn’t even have any
vows. The only person that I thought about
was Qaza.

Pastor: Do you guys have your own vows

or..

We both say at the same time.

Me: No.
Ntsika: No.

It is very clear that we both aren’t ready for

this. He doesn’t want this and I don’t want
this. Phakeme stands up to give us the rings.
I hate this.
Pastor: I’ll start with you Mr Mdluli. You
will repeat after me. With this ring..

The pastor gets interrupted by someone.

Girl: Ntsika!

She comes rushing to us and when she

reaches her destination, she pushes me aside.
I guess that’s the girlfriend he was telling
me about. She is light skinned, has huge
eyes and when I take a closer look at her,
she looks like Nomzamo Mbatha. She’s very
short, has hips and she has a straight dorsum
that reduces approximately 2mm below the
tip of the nose.
Ntsika: Bontle.
Bontle: Ntsika, I know that you love me. I
know that you don’t love her and you don’t
love me.

She starts crying. Now everyone is looking

at the drama that is taking place.
Ntsika: Bontle, please leave.
Bontle: I want you to tell me that you don’t
love me. I want you to tell me that the three
years we spent together meant nothing to
you. I want you to tell me that what we had
is completely over. Please say that.
She says all of that, while wiping her own
tears. Ntsika looks at his father. He was
sitting at the front and looked so infuriated,
no lies. I looked at my father and he had the
same reaction. Honestly, I was enjoying all
of this. I wanted to laugh at their ugly faces
for their selfishness. Maybe it’s time they
both saw that forcing this whole marriage
thing was just bullshit.
Bontle: Look at me Ntsika.

I looked at Ntsika and he had teary eyes.

Ntsika: I don’t love you. Now please leave.

Bontle looks at me and her whole face is

red. No exaggeration, red.
Bontle: You, this is your fault. I know your
type, slay queen type. This whole thing will
never last.

I just folded my arms and looked at her.

Bontle: Ntsika is mine.

I don’t know how the hell this happened but

this bitch slapped me. I was still trying to
process the slap.
Bontle: This is not over.

As she tried to walk away, I pulled her over

and slapped her twice. I took off her wig and
she jumped on me and that lead to
something else. We were both on the ground
but I was right on top of her. Someone
pulled me from her and I wish they never
did that. I wanted to beat her ass up.
Phakeme picked her up and they went away.

Everyone was watching the hot show that

was taking place, my dad’s friends, my
brother’s friends, everyone. As I turned my
back to look at the person that pulled me
from the whole fight, I just couldn’t believe
it. It was Qaza.
Me: Please get me out of here.

He took my hand and we both walked away.

I just didn’t care about Ntsika, his dad or my
dad, I wanted to be out of that place.

PHAKEME
I was still carrying this psycho and she was
out here fighting me by kicking her legs.
Bontle: Put me down!
Phakeme: Your parents never taught you the
magic words?
Bontle: Alright, please. Please put me down.

I paused and I put her down.

Me: That’s my sister’s wedding that you
ruined.
Bontle: Who cares?
Me: Well you should care. Do you know
who I am?
Bontle: Your personality says it all.
She walks away from me and just sits on the
ground.
Bontle: Your sister is not even hot.

She starts crying again. This girl is probably

drunk and I’m just not going to entertain her
drama.
Bontle: I love him!

She starts throwing herself to the ground and

just starts screaming. This is funny as hell
and it shouldn’t be. This is the reason why I
never fall in love because it drives you
crazy, it makes you look vulnerable and
desperate, it ruins you, it damages and kills
you.

I went on and stood next to her.

Me: Get up.

She ignored me and continued crying. I

folded my arms and looked at her.
Me: This is why he told you that he does not
love you in front of a whole lot of people. I
said get up.

She immediately stopped crying and looked

at me.
Bontle: I can’t.
I just picked her up and took her to my car. I
placed her on the passenger seat and went to
the drivers seat. I opened my car cabinet and
I took out two sleeping tablets with a bottle
of water.
Me: Take.
Bontle: Are you trying to kill me?
Me: These are going to make you feel better.

She looked at me and took the pills along

with the bottle that had water. I push started
the car and as I was about to drive out, she
was already sleeping.

I drove to my secret apartment that is in

Fourways. When I got there, I carried her
out of my car and took her inside. I placed
her on top of my bed and took off her
sneakers. I covered her with my grey throw.

NYONI
Qaza is the one that was driving my car. It
was so quiet and I preferred it this way. The
silence meant nothing, his presence meant
everything.
Qaza: Wanna talk about it?
I shook my head. I didn’t want to talk about
what happened over there. I took a can of
coke that I bought earlier today and it was
still cold. I took off the heels and I placed
the can on my right foot. That fool stepped
on my foot and it was painful as hell.

Qaza pulled over in the middle of the road

and looked at me.
Me: Why are you stopping?
Qaza: Bring your leg here.
He took my right leg and started massaging
my foot. It felt so much better and I
precisely found the cold can purposeless.
Qaza: Better?

I just nodded. What I liked more about him

is that, he didn’t ask me a lot of things, he
didn’t force me into talking about the whole
thing, he actually placed me and my feelings
first and that is all that mattered honestly.

Insert 9
BONTLE

My whole back was just so painful but this

comfy bed, was making everything a bit
better. I couldn’t see anything because it was
just so dark.
I turned and looked at the other side and
there were curtains still opened. The lighting
of the moon made everything just a bit better
because I noticed that there was a lamp on
the bedside table. I switched it on and it was
very brighter than I expected it to be.
I scanned this huge, fancy room that I was in
and it didn’t look very familiar. I got up,
headed to the door and opened it. I went out
of the bedroom and there was a soccer
match playing on TV. I walked to the
kitchen and I found a guy making some
food.
Okay, one, I don’t know this guy. Two, how
the hell does he know me?
Him: You’re up.
Me: Who are you?
Him: Your hero.
Me: Excuse me?
Him: Excuse you.
He went on and rinsed his hands on the sink.
I just folded my arms and I looked at him.
Me: I’m serious.
Him: You were too drunk and they almost
kidnapped you. As we’re speaking right
now, you were supposed to be heading
somewhere in Dubai to be a slave or
whatever.
What on earth is this guy saying? I almost
got trafficked? But why is it that I don’t
remember any of the things that he’s saying?
Then, it hits me. I met this guy in Ntsika’s
wedding.
Me: Liar. I met you at that wedding.
Him: My sister’s wedding.

He took his sandwich, went to sit on the

couch and I followed him. This nigga didn’t
even make a sandwich for me. Yes, I don’t
know him but not with food. I’m a huge
foodie and I really don’t know where the
hell all of that food goes to because I never
gain weight.

Me: Your sister?

Him: Yes, my sister. If you know what’s
good for you, you will go to her and
apologise.
Me: Askies? (Sorry?)
Him: You ruined her big day. And you’re
disturbing me, please leave.

He took a bite of his sandwich and I took it

from him.
Him: Sisi, ngicela uhambe. (Ma’am, please
leave.)

I took a bite of his sandwich and folded my

legs, sat very comfortably in his couch.
Christ, this sandwich tasted like heaven. I
don’t even know how heaven tastes but it
was utterly amazing.
Me: This is good.
He looked so pissed and I just didn’t care. I
watched the match with him.

QAZA

Nyoni. I don’t know who on earth named

her that. Truth be told, I wouldn’t even name
my dog “Nyoni”, mind you, I don’t even
own a pet. I was heading to my house with
her car and she was sleeping so peacefully.
She was still in her wedding dress and
looked pretty tired. I don’t know what
happened at her wedding but it literally
drained her. I bought her KFC and we both
ate it inside her car, in the middle of the
road. We weren’t even saying a lot of things
to each other but I can tell that she felt very
much at peace with me.

I went out of the car and opened the gate. I

made my way in with the car and parked it
inside the yard. I didn’t want to wake her up
but I had to.
Me: Nyoni.

She slightly opened her eyes and yawned.

Me: We’re here.
Nyoni: Your house?
Me: Yes.

I went out of the car and went to her side to

open the car door for her. She helped herself
out, still in her wedding gown and she was
holding her high heels.

When we were about to walk to my room,

my mom and Khethi were already out of the
house. I guess the sound of the car engine is
the one that took them out.
Mom: Qaza.
Khethi: Is that Sis Nyoni?
Mom: You were getting married?
Khethi: Married? Let me guess. Sis Nyoni
was getting married today but uBhut Qaza
went there and stopped the whole wedding
like Qhawe Zulu did with Naledi. Oh my
goodness, where was I?

They both started laughing and I could tell

that Nyoni was feeling very uncomfortable.
Mom: I was about to dish up, come on.

I took Nyoni’s hand into mine, just to assure

her and stop the discomfort that was ready to
settle down with her. We all went inside the
house and my mom started dishing up.
Mom: Khethi, please bring my slippers for
Nyoni. She can’t be walking barefoot.

I was surprised to see that my mother knows

her but then I remembered that they once
met when I was still in hospital. Khethi
brought the slippers for Nyoni and she wore
them. She took her hand into mine again and
that tickled my heart a bit. We all went into
the living room and my mom brought our
plates. She made pap, grilled chicken and
salads. Khethi put on something for us to all
watch and we started eating.
Nyoni: This is so good ma.
Khethi: Actually, I cooked.
Mom: You were just helping me out so
thula. (shut up.)

We all laughed.
Khethi: So, Sis Nyoni how does it feel to
come from like a very rich family?
Nyoni: It is just fine and we’re not rich.
Khethi: What do you do for a living?
Nyoni: I just graduated a week back. I
studied law.
Khethi: Oh my goodness, really? I would
like to do the same thing in varsity.
Nyoni: Your personality says it all because
you always have a question ready with you
and you can make up things, so yeah.
Me: Ukuphapha nje, ayikho enye. (It’s just
forwardness, nothing else.)
Khethi: Mxm. Let me go and run some
water for you Sis Nyoni.
Nyoni: Thanks.

Khethi stood up and walked out.

Mom: Let me go and check if I don’t have
any warm pyjamas in my wardrobe.

She also stood up and headed out.

Nyoni: I love your family. They are so kind
and loving.
She smiled, held my hand and continued
watching the TV. Her presence meant
everything to me.

NYONI

I really have to say that I’m in love with

Qaza’s family. I took a bath and wore the
warm pyjamas that Qaza’s mom gave me. I
got a call from my dad and I just hung up. I
didn’t want to talk to him, I didn’t feel like
talking to him. Instead, I texted him.
“I’m fine. Please stop calling me and don’t
send a whole search party to look for me.
Goodnight.”

I switched off my phone and headed to the

living room where everyone was seated.
They were playing cards and I watched them
play and just cheating on each other. It was
just so fun to watch.
Khethi: Sis Nyoni, please join us.
Me: I don’t know how to play cards.
Qaza: I’ll teach you. Come here.

I went on and sat next to him. There is

something just about Qaza’s presence, I’ve
been saying. It is everything. You know that
feeling when you are just looking for
something and you can’t find it. You choose
not to give up and you continue looking for
it until you find. Do you know the happiness
and the relief that comes with that? That is
how I feel when I am with Qaza.

Khethi gave me five cards and Qaza showed

me how the game was just rolling. We were
playing and I was out here winning because
of Qaza’s help.
Mom: Siyarojwa la. (We are being robbed
here.)

Qaza and I couldn’t stop laughing because I

was enjoying this whole winning thing.
Insert 10
Khethi, Qaza and I were busy doing the
dishes while laughing out about anything
and everything.
Khethi: So you guys are really planning on
not telling me about what happened in the
wedding?
Qaza: Mxm.
Khethi: Let me go and sleep yall, I have
school tomorrow.
Qaza: What happened to attending church
on a Sunday?

These people are even church goers, God

fearing human beings, when I don’t even
remember the last time I attended church.
Khethi: Says a person that doesn’t even
attend church but then, that’s matric for you
bhuti wami. (my brother.)
Me: I don’t even remember when was the
last time I went to church.
Khethi: Do you at least pray?
Me: When I’m in deep shit, yeah.
Qaza: That makes you a user satan!

Khethi laughed at me and I just playfully

rolled my eyes.
Khethi: Okay, my Naledi and Qhawe, time
to visit dreamland. Goodnight.

She kissed her brother on his cheek and gave

me a hug from behind.
Me: Nightie.

Qaza packed the rest of the dishes. We

switched off the lights and went to his room
that is obviously outside. His room is not
“wow” or anything, it’s just a normal room.
Grey walls, grey linen, grey headboard and a
black couch. Not amazing but it’s okay.
Qaza: I’ll sleep on the couch and you will
take the bed.
Me: Why?
Qaza: You are someone’s wife Nyoni and I
have to respect that.
Me: That’s not true.

He just shook his head and took out some

blankies from his wardrobe.
Qaza: If you’re going to need some extra
blankies, let me know.
He fixed the couch, the blankets and looked
ready to sleep on the couch. I just folded my
arms and looked at him.
Me: Why don’t you want to sleep on the
same bed with me Qaza?

He looked at me and smiled.

Qaza: What happened to Q?
Me: Q disappears when I’m mad.
Qaza: Oh, then I have to fear for my life
when you start calling me by my name.

I switched on his lamp and went on to

switch off the lights. I stood next to him and
took his hand into mine.
Me: I’m definitely not sleeping alone.
He didn’t even ask a lot of questions. When
I climbed on top of the bed, he did the same.
I faced the left side and I guess he faced the
same side. He placed his hand right on my
stomach. I felt so much at peace.
Me: What’s your surname?
Qaza: Khumalo.

Ego says, “when everything finally falls into

place, you will find peace”. Spirit says, “find
your peace and everything will fall into
place”. Well Mr Spirit, I finally found my
peace. Qaza Khumalo.

I really don’t like leaving Qaza when he’s

still asleep but right now, I had to. I had to
go back and face my problems. Running
away from them wasn’t going to stop
anything. I gently went out of the bed and
went to look for something in his wardrobe.
I took his black pants with a white t-shirt
that looked a bit big on me. I wore his slides
because I wasn’t going to leave with his
mother’s shoes.

I tore out a page from his notebook and I

wrote on it.

Don’t be surprised, I stole your clothes and

slides. I hate leaving you but running away
from my worst life problems isn’t going to
help me. Letho is lucky to have you as a
father Mntungwa.
I kissed his forehead and I headed out.
Khethi was also on her way out to school
and I decided to give her a lift. Her school is
somewhere around Parktown and I didn’t
mind driving all the way there for her. She is
a sweet girl. When I dropped her off, she
planted a kiss on my cheek and smiled at
me.
Khethi: He loves you.

She went out of the car and left me asking

myself a million questions. Was she talking
about Qaza? Was I feeling the same way
about him?

I drove to my house and boredom,

tediousness, tiredness, all in one just made
their way inside my body. I didn’t notice my
uncle’s car and that meant that they left.
Minus one problem. Honestly, I don’t like
my dad’s side of the family. They have ill
treated, bad mouthed my mother a multiple
times. You can mess up with everyone and
anything but not my family and Samantha or
all hell will definitely break loose.

I made my way inside and I quickly made

my way into the kitchen because of thirst but
when I saw that fool sitting on the bar stool,
my high-high levels increased like crazy.
Me: Uzongishaya futhi? (You’re going to hit
me again.)
Her: I’m not here for that. Please come here
and sit down so that we can talk like normal
human beings.
I just rolled my eyes for laughing out loud
and sat on the other bar stool.
Me: I’m listening.
Her: First things first, I’m really sorry for
yesterday. I’m really sorry for ruining your
big day with Ntsika but I just love him so
much. But there’s nothing that I can do, he
told me that he doesn’t love me in front of
everyone.
Me: Well, it’s not my fault that Ntsika
doesn’t love you sisi.
Her: I know that and I’m really sorry.

She took out two packets of Maynard sweets

from her bag and placed them on top of the
table. I could feel my salivary glands
making a lil movement, that’s how much I
love sweets.
Her: Your brother told me that you love
sweets.
Me: My brother?
Her: Phakeme.
Me: Are you his girlfriend?
Her: Lol, we’re just frenemies.
Me: Has anyone told you that you look like
Nomzamo Mbatha?

She just reminded me so much of her. Their

huge eyes, their perfect nose and lips, just
everything.
Her: We are actually related.
Me: Liar! What?
Her: I’m kidding.
Me: Mxm, I’m not accepting your apology.
But seriously, I’m also sorry.
She hurriedly moved from where she was
sitting and came to give me a hug. I hugged
her back. I couldn’t believe that this was the
girl that ruined my “not so big” day. She did
me a favour though.
Her: I’m Bontle.
Me: Nyoni.
Bontle: As in a bird?
Me: Yes, a bird.
QAZA

I was so sad to see that she left. I woke up

and I found a note by the couch.

Don’t be surprised, I stole your clothes and

slides. I hate leaving you but running away
from my worst life problems isn’t going to
help me. Letho is lucky to have you as a
father Mntungwa.

Her labelling me as the best father and

actually calling me by my clan name, made
my stomach turn a bit. I cleaned my whole
room and brushed my teeth.

Zwelethu came to fetch my CV for that

marketing assistant job, which I know very
well that I wasn’t going to get it. Trying luck
never killed anyone, I also had to try.

My mother already left for church so I took

a quick bath because I had to go and check
on my daughter since I didn’t go to see her
yesterday. I really had to fix my car because
this thing of taking a taxi was just not an
option.

When I got there, my baby was awake and

playing with other kids that were also
admitted. When she saw me, she instantly
smiled and I ran to her. I picked her up and
rounded in circles with her. My sweet girl
couldn’t stop giggling.
Letho: I missed you baba.
Me: I also missed you my princess.

The nurse came and greeted me.

Nurse: Letho is a strong girl. We’ll be
discharging her today.
That was music to my ears. I really missed
having my baby around. Luckily, I had her
clothes with me.
Me: Thank you Nurse.
Nurse: You can actually call me Nelisa.
Me: Oh, thank you Nelisa. I’m Qaza,
Letho’s father.
Nurse: Nice to meet you Qaza. Let me take
Letho into the change room and help her
change into her actual clothes.

I gave her the bag and she took Letho. I sat

on top of bed and started thinking about
Nyoni. She is just so perfect. Her brown
skin, her smile, her personality, everything
about her is just so perfect. I instantly got a
call from Zwelethu.
Me: Sho.
Zwelethu: Bafo, my boss needs to see you.
(Brother)
Me: Your boss? Why?
Zwelethu: I applied for you and I sent him
your CV. He replied to it immediately and
said that he needs to see you.
Me: Are you sure?
Zwelethu: Mxm, where are you?
Me: At the hospital. They are discharging
Letho today.
Zwelethu: That’s great news bafo. I’m
coming right now.
Me: Sure.

The nurse came back with Letho and she

even did her hair. My princess looked extra
cute, even with that huge scar on her
forehead.
Me: Thank you Nelisa.
Nelisa: It’s a pleasure.
Me: We have to head out. Have a great day.

I picked Letho up and took her bag.

Nelisa: Wait. Are you free tonight? Or
tomorrow?
Me: I’m not sure. Why?
Nelisa: I don’t have any friends and my life
is like super boring. I thought that we could
maybe meet for lunch or dinner. Just me and
you. You can also bring Letho, if that’s okay
with you.
Me: Uh..
Nelisa: Never mind.
Me: Give me your numbers. I’ll text you.

She smiled and I gave her my phone. She

dialled her numbers and gave me back my
phone.
Nelisa: Let me take yours, just in case you
forget to call me.
Me: Okay.

I gave her my numbers and she also saved

mine.
Me: Bye Nelisa.
Nelisa: Bye.

Letho and I headed out.

Letho: Is she going to be my stepmom?
Me: Hell no. She is pretty though.
Letho: She looks like Beyonce.

I laughed at that. Nelisa is pretty but just not

my type. Letho and I headed to the eating
area because she definitely had to eat. We
bought two burgers with fries and ice cream.
After some time, Zwelethu called to ask
about my whereabouts. I directed him to the
eating area. When Letho saw him, she
quickly ran for him.
Letho: Malume Zweli. (Uncle Zweli.)
Zweli: My sweetheart.

Zwelethu picked her up and span her

around. She couldn’t stop giggling.
Zweli: Are we going with her?
Me: We don’t have a choice. Ma and Khethi
are not around.
Zweli: Okay.

We headed to his car. Honestly, I wasn’t

ready to meet his boss but for a better future
for my Letho and my family, I had to.

NYONI

Bontle left about an hour ago and she really

is a good person. I couldn’t tell her that my
thing with Ntsika was actually a planned
marriage but when the time was right, I was
going to tell her. Shaka was sitting with me
at the kitchen, since I was cooking. I was
craving some pasta so I decided to go with
mac and cheese.
The home phone rang and I quickly picked it
up. It was one of the guards telling me that
there were people at the gate sent by Mr
Mdluli. I told the guards to let them in
because I wanted to hear what they wanted.

Shaka and I went outside to meet them

halfway the yard. They came in with two
trucks and went out of their trucks. It was
four guys wearing black t-shirt with black
pants.
Me: How can we help you?
Guy: We are looking for Nyoni Ndlovu.
Me: You’re talking to her.
Guy: Your husband’s father sent us here.
Shaka and I looked at each other.
Me: To do what?
Guy: To fetch you and your belongings.
Shaka: Let me call dad.

Shaka took out his phone and stood a bit

afar from us, with his phone placed on his
ear.
Me: Who sent you?
Guy: Your husband’s father, Mr Mancinza
Mdluli.
Guy 2: Time is money sisi, please show us
your bedroom.
Me: Excuse me?

My father came out because he was inside

the house.
Dad: What’s happening here?
Me: Ubaba kaNtsika. (It’s Ntsika’s dad.)
Guy 2: Mr Mdluli sent us here to fetch his
daughter in law with her belongings.
Guy 1: Please take us to her room.
Dad: Upstairs, the second room on your left.

I looked at this man called my father, I

couldn’t believe that he really directed them
to my room.
Me: But..
Dad: Nyoni! Can you please grow up just
for once. These people took out millions for
you. You are Ntsika’s wife. I’m done.

The other guys went inside the house and

my father stopped the other one.
Dad: When you’re done taking her things,
you can also take her.

I wanted to shout, complain, cry because my

father was literally selling me away to the
Mdluli’s. He also went inside the house.
Me: This is not fair.
Shaka: You’re not leaving here alone with
them, I’ll be with you.

I quickly wiped my tears and just went back

to the house. My life was very messy and I
wasn’t even afraid to admit it.

Insert 11
We drove to Ruimsug with those four guys.
One of them was driving my car. When we
got into my “new home” I guess, Ntsika and
his dad were patiently waiting outside for us.
Shaka got a call and it needed him to leave
immediately.
Shaka: Don’t worry, I’ll call you.

He gave me a hug and hurriedly drove out.

Mancinza: Makoti. (Daughter in law)
Me: Baba.
Mancinza: Let me show you your new home
with your husband while these boys put
everything that belongs to you in the house.
I looked at my new husband and followed
my new father in law. Yeah ne, I was
honestly in this alone. I was in this dark hole
and no one was going to be heroic and save
me. My only option for now, was to just
adapt.

Apparently, they bought this house way

before my graduation, way before I even
knew that I was going to get married. He
showed the whole house and no lies, it really
was a nice house.
Mancinza: Well, it’s your responsibility to
turn this house into a home. It’s your
responsibility to keep my son happy and
make a lot of babies.
He laughed and patted my shoulder as if this
was a laughing matter.
Me: I don’t love Ntsika.
Mancinza: You will learn how to love him.
His mother also did the same with me.
Me: Did you hear what I just said? I don’t
love him. I don’t want to be with him.
Whatever agreement you had with my
father, that is between you guys be..

He forcefully grabbed my arm and looked at

me straight in the eye.
Mancinza: We paid millions for you. You.
Will. Learn. How. To. Love. Him.

Her said it all loud and clear. His words, it

was as if he was counting.
Ntsika: Is everything okay?

He immediately let go of my hand and

smiled.
Mancinza: Yes, everything is well. Right
makoti?

I hated this man. I hated him with every

part, organ, membrane in me.
Mancinza: Let me love and leave you.

He walked away.
Ntsika: How are you?
Me: Does it even matter?

I just left him there, headed to one of the

bedrooms and locked myself in. I couldn’t
stop crying. I didn’t have a choice. All the
love that I had for Qaza, I had to forget
about it. I had to focus on starting a family
with Ntsika because I honestly didn’t have a
choice.

QAZA

Zwelethu’s boss, Mr Nkosi was currently in

a meeting. His PA directed us to his office,
to wait for him there. Letho was fast asleep
in my arms since I was carrying her. After a
while, Mr Nkosi came back. Zwelethu and I
both stood up when he walked in.
Nkosi: Gentlemen.
I didn’t know what to say so I just looked at
Zwelethu.
Zwelethu: Mr Nkosi, on the email you did
say that you needed to see Qaza.. I mean Mr
Khumalo urgently.
Nkosi: Yes, I did.

He smiled and looked at me.

Nkosi: Zweli, I’d like to have a word with
Mr Khumalo, alone.

Zweli just nodded and took Letho from me.

Zweli: You’ll find me in the car.

He walked out and it was just me and this

man.
Nkosi: Qaza Khumalo.
Me: That is me.
He playfully played with his hands and
looked at me.
Nkosi: Who is Qaza Khumalo?
Me: Qaza Khumalo is a keen and a very
driven person. Once he puts his mind into
something, he gets it done. He is outgoing,
persuasive, a goal getter, can easily adapt
and he’s a father.

Shit, the last one. Did I really have to say

that?
Nkosi: Are you a confident person?
Me: Most definitely.
Nkosi: Well, say all of that again but with
confidence.

He folded his arms and looked at me.

Me: Qaza Khumalo is a keen and a very
driven person. Once he puts his mind into
something, he gets it done. He is outgoing,
persuasive, a goal getter, can easily adapt to
certain situations.
Nkosi: The last one?
Me: Oh, and he’s a father.
Nkosi: Why do you think you are most
suitable for this position of being our
marketing assistant?
Me: Uh...

I honestly didn’t know what to say. Okay

Qaza, think!
Nkosi: Qaza. I need you to think about that
question. Think about it and come back
tomorrow at strictly 10am. I won’t be alone,
there’ll be other people. You better have a
good answer. Tell you what, I really like
you. But go think about this and come back
tomorrow.
Me: Is that all?
Nkosi: Yes, you can leave.

I stood up and headed to the door but he

stopped me by calling my name.
Me: Yes?
Nkosi: That little girl is lucky to have you as
a father.

That literally warmed my heart.

Me: Thank you.

I walked out. I had to spend the whole day

and night thinking about a perfect answer
for Mr Nkosi. I didn’t want to disappoint
him, neither my daughter.

NYONI

I’ve been sitting in this bed and it occurred

to me that it was only just getting worser.
Ntsika has been asking me to come out but I
just decided to do otherwise. I didn’t want to
see him. I didn’t want to be his wife. A soft
knock came from the door.
Ntsika: Nyoni, please open the door. We
need to talk. It’s about your brother.

I didn’t even ask which brother, I jumped

out of the bed and quickly unlocked the
door. He was wearing his scrubs, since he’s
a doctor.
Me: My brother?

He made his way in.

Ntsika: We need to talk.
Me: What about my brother Ntsika?
Ntsika: I wanted you to open the door,
nothing happened.
Me: Next time, lie about something else.
Ntsika: I have a sixteen hour shift, so I’ll
probably be back tomorrow morning around
10 am.
Me: Okay.
Ntsika: I ordered some pizza for you and
some snacks.
Me: Thank you.
Ntsika: And about the wedding, I’m really
sorry.
Me: It’s fine, I’m past that. Bontle actually
came to me and apologised.
Ntsika: Sounds like her. Nyoni this isn’t
easy for me. It’s not. I’m trying here so
please grow up and do the same.
Me: This isn’t easy for me too.
Ntsika: Then grow up! You can’t have
everyone saying that to you. Show maturity.
I love you.

Hell no, I know he doesn’t even mean that.

Ntsika: Say it back.
Me: I don’t love you Ntsika.
Ntsika: You think I do? We gotta start
practicing now. I love you Nyoni.
Lord, I was seriously disliking this whole
thing.
Ntsika: Are you going to say it or what?
Me: Okay, I love you too Ntsika.
Ntsika: Good girl.

He walked out and I just threw myself on

top of the bed. I missed being around Qaza
and his loving family but here I was, stuck
in my fake marriage. I tried calling
Samantha and it sent me to voicemail. I
called Qaza and he immediately picked it
up.
Qaza: Nyoni yami. (My bird)
Me: Mntungwa.
Qaza: Normalise calling me that, I beg.
Me: I will. Are you busy?
Qaza: Yeah. You wanted to come over?
Me: Yes, please.
Qaza: Okay, no problem.

I hung up and quickly wore my shoes. I

headed to the kitchen and there were two
boxes of pizza with some snacks and sweets.
I took everything and headed to my car. I
drove straight to Qaza’s house.

When I got there, there was a grey Audi

parked outside. I just parked behind it and I
went out of the car with the two boxes of
pizza and snacks. I knocked and some guy
opened the door for me.
Me: Hi. Is Qaza around?
Him: Uh..
Khethi: Sis Nyoni. Come in.
I made my way in and everyone was in the
kitchen, including Qaza.
Ma: My baby, woza la. (Come here.)

I placed the two boxes of pizza on the table

and I hugged her.
Ma: Take a seat.

Khethi was helping her mother out with

cooking, this other guy was standing with
his arms folded and Qaza was holding a pen
and a paper.
Me: I bought all of us some pizza and
snacks. I hope everything will be enough.
Khethi quickly ran to me and started
planting kisses all over my face.
Khethi: Sis Nyoni, aren’t you the best? Yoh
Bhut Qaza, please marry her.

Everyone laughed except for the other guy,

he looked very much confused.
Him: Guys, I’m lost.
Me: I’m Nyoni, Qaza’s friend.
Khethi: “You say we just friends but friends
don’t know the way you taste la la la”

She was singing a song that I knew from

somewhere. Yes, Samantha’s boring
playlist.
Ma: Khethi!
Khethi: Just saying.
Him: Oh. I’m Zwelethu, the father of the
house.
Qaza: Uyahlanya. (You are crazy.)
Khethi: Wuu cabanga nje uBhut Zweli being
the father of our house. It’s giving
Stepfather Se Veot vibes. (Just imagine Bhut
Zweli being the father of our house.)
Qaza: Is that one of your Lokshin Biskops?
Khethi: Yes. When the guy’s best friend
dates the guy’s mother.

Qaza’s mother couldn’t stop laughing.

Honestly, I wish I had a family like this one.
They don’t have the expensive cars, fancy
bedrooms and fancy house but they are a
happy, loving family.
Zweli: I’m joking, I’m Qaza’s brother.
Khethi’s huge enemy. And Ma’s best friend.
Khethi: LOL.
We all started having pizza but Qaza said
that he’s fine. He was busy writing
something in this other book that he was
holding.
Me: What are you writing?
Khethi: He got a new job but his boss told
him that he needs a very valid reason why
he’s the one perfect for the job.
Me: What do you have already?
Qaza: Nothing.
Zweli: We have been giving him some
points but he thinks that they are useless.
Me: Turn it into a different overview, I
guess.
Khethi: How?
Me: Okay. So people don’t like it when you
answer that question by being too personal
but I say that, be too personal but don’t
show it to them.
Qaza: Kanjani Nyoni? (How Nyoni?)
Me: Talk about your experience about being
a dad, being the one providing for your
family, your community. Your mother bakes
for the Sunday school kids, spice that up a
bit into something like, “We started our own
little organisation for the Sunday School
kids and we’re thinking of taking it into
another level”. And also, lie, lie and lie.
Khethi: I want to be you when I grow up.
We all laughed out loud and started giving
him points. Khethi and I were googling
some synonyms using his phone because
mine was flat. His phone rang and it was a
call from “Nelisa” with three red hearts in
front of her name. We gave him his phone
and he quickly hung it up and gave us back
his phone. I didn’t even want to touch it and
getting my little heart hurt again over some
stupid emojis. I didn’t want to show
everyone that I was bored, I continued
talking to everyone and continued
participating in giving him points.

After having snacks, I thought that it was

best for me to leave. I don’t like driving at
night, especially very late.

Qaza walked me out.

Qaza: I wanted Letho to meet you but she
really needs this rest.
Me: Don’t worry, I’ll meet her when the
time is right Qaza.
Qaza: Okay, what happened to Q?
Me: Why didn’t you tell me that you have a
girlfriend Qaza?
Qaza: Why didn’t you tell me that you
actually someone’s wife Nyoni?
Me: Oh, so this is how we roll now?
Goodnight Qaza.

As I was about to open the car door, he held

my hand.
Qaza: Nelisa is someone that I met today at
the hospital. She was Letho’s nurse. I don’t
even know her.
Me: She had three emojis in front of her
name Qaza. Not just emojis, heart emojis.
Not just heart emojis, red heart emojis!

He folded his arms and smiled.

Me: What? This is a joke to you?
Qaza: Of course not. I didn’t know that you
were the jealous type. But seriously, I don’t
know that girl. I met her today and she saved
herself on my phone.

He took out his phone.

Me: What are you doing?
Qaza: We are calling her.

He was dead serious. The phone rang until

she picked it up.
Nelisa: Qaza, I tried calling you earlier on. I
hope I wasn’t disturbing you.

He muted the call.

Qaza: Talk to her. Tell her to stop calling
me.

He unmuted the call.

Nelisa: Hello?
Me: Please stop calling Qaza, he is married.
Nelisa: Who am I talking to?
Me: His wife, stop calling him.
Nelisa: Well, he didn’t say that he..
Me: Now you know.

I hurriedly hung up. We both looked at each

other and started laughing.
Me: Okay. I have to go.

He looked at me for a very long time.

Me: What?
Qaza: I just want to hug you.

I smiled before hugging him. I didn’t want

to let him go, I wanted to hold onto him like
this for the longest time. I found myself
sniffing. He broke the hug and he looked at
me.
Qaza: Talk to me.
Me: I don’t love him Q.
Qaza: Your husband?

I just nodded and he wiped my tears using

both his thumps.
Qaza: Is he abusing you?
Me: No. This whole thing is an arranged
marriage Qaza. I don’t want to be with him,
I want to be with you.

He kissed my forehead and hugged me

again. Sometimes we just need a hug. A hug
where someone wraps their arms around you
so tight and remind you that everything will
be okay.

Insert 11

Qaza
Today was a big day for me. I was going for
a job interview with Mr Nkosi. I couldn’t
even sleep, trying to gather up my “so-
called” speech. At seven am, I was already
up and made some breakfast for my family.
At 8 am I was already dressed in my black
suit, the one that I wear only in special
occasions. I wore a pair of my formal shoes
that I bought just a few months ago, so they
looked new since I only wore them once.
Khethi left for school and I was with my
mom, preparing for the speech. She was
doing the dishes, listening to my whole thing
when we heard a knock. I went on and
opened the door and it was Nyoni.

Nyoni: Q, good morning.

She had a bit of make up on and had her
blue jeans on, with a pink blouse and black
flat pumps.
Me: Hey. You can come in.

She made her way in, greeted my mother

and gave her a hug.
Me: What are you doing here?
Nyoni: Ouch.
Me: No, I’m asking because..
Nyoni: It’s still early? Don’t worry about
me, are you ready?
Me: I’m not sure but I think I am.
Nyoni: You better be ready and I’m going
with you.
Me: There’s no need for that.
Nyoni: I’m not taking your ‘no’.
Me: Fine.
Nyoni: We better start heading out.

She took her hand into mine and smiled.

Nyoni: Do you have everything that you
need?
Me: This paper that I’m holding right now,
yes.
Nyoni: Okay, let’s go then.

We said our goodbyes to my mom and she

wished me luck then we headed out. On the
way, I was so nervous, no lies. She decided
to put some song on, Destiny by Zahara.

Some people live their dreams

Some their destiny pass them by
Tell me the reason why nothing ever stays
the same
Sorrow and shame who-o-o-o, ho-o-o
Only God knows how long it will take for
me to reach my destiny
Only God knows how long it will take for
me to reach my destiny
Everything maybe rushing on me
And everything maybe too slow on me
But I will be here holding it down
I know where I am going
I know where I am going
Me: This is the kinda music you listen to?
Nyoni: Yes, it’s amazing.
Me: No, most definitely not.
Nyoni: Then who do you listen to?
Me: I don’t listen to music, it’s stupid.
Nyoni: That’s a lie. I don’t believe you.

Well honestly, I have my days. Sometimes I

listen to Sun El Musician, sometimes Prince
Kaybee or Da Capo. Those are just the kings
of music.
Nyoni: Let me guess. You listen to that
Maskandi guy, what his name again?
Khuzwayo or something like that.
Me: Khuzani?
Nyoni: See? You even know him.
Me: Nuh, Zweli likes his music, not me.
Nyoni: You’re also in that too.
Me: No.
Nyoni: Then who do you listen to?
Me: I don’t listen to music.
Nyoni: Mxm.

I just like teasing her. I like her company. I

like her personality. I love the way she is.
Very bold and audacious.

We finally arrived at Nkosi’s Winery

Capital and I was scared as hell.
Nyoni: You got this.

She took her hand into mine and kissed my

hand.
Nyoni: Got get ‘em tiger.
Me: What’s that? Lion King?

She chuckled.
Nyoni: It’s a saying you dummy.

I headed out feeling so confident but still not

ready. I had to do this. For me, for Letho, for
my mom and for Khethi.
I saw Mr Nkosi’s PA and asked her to take
me to him. Apparently he’s been patiently
waiting for me. When I got in his office, he
was with two gentlemen.
Nkosi: Mr Khumalo.
Me: Mr Nkosi.
Nkosi: These are my colleagues, Mr
Tshabalala and Mr Thampi. You can take a
seat.

I sat directly opposite the three of them. Mr

Nkosi started off by asking me the simple
questions about myself, my qualities,
qualifications, until he reached the question
that I wasn’t so ready for.
Nkosi: Why do you think that you’re the
best candidate for this business?

I took a deep breath, thought about my

Letho before answering this question.
Me: Well, growing up, I was raised by a
single mom. She didn’t have everything,
couldn’t give my sister and I everything that
we wanted, like expensive sneakers, x-boxes
and all those futile things that any teenager
would like to have. Honestly, they were
exceedingly purposeless. She was a great
example though. She baked for the Sunday
school kids at church, cooked for school
kids and by that I mean that she was part of
the feeding scheme thing in public schools. I
got inspired and that is why I studied
Business in varsity because I also wanted to
be a better person and also hand out a lot of
job opportunities for the disadvantaged.
Things didn’t go so well for me. That
infuriated me because I had just started
being a father to my beautiful daughter and
I also wanted to be a greater example to my
daughter and be able to provide even the
most purposeless things for her. Not until
recently, I got called by Mr Nkosi and he
asked me the most difficult question, that I
quote, “Why do you think that you are the
best candidate for this job?”. I was unable to
answer this question but now I think I do
have the answer to that. I believe I am the
best candidate for this position because I
have experience in many areas mentioned in
the job description, including customer
service and project leadership. Also, I’m
passionate about the wine industry. It’s been
an industry I’ve forever favoured, so I’m
also highly motivated and excited to do this
work for your firm. Am I right in thinking
that your priorities for this role are to find
someone who can help your customer
service team and also manage some projects
for your customers and clients? That’s the
impression I gathered from the job
description. Furthermore, getting this job
will mean a lot to me. Thank you.

Wow, I had no idea that I was going to

flourish like that.
Nkosi: I liked that.

The other two gentlemen just kept quiet. No

nodding, nodding in agreement or
something, nothing. The other one just
looked away and the other way couldn’t
keep his ugly eyes away from me.
Nkosi: Can you please excuse us for a
second and we’ll call you after just a few
minutes.
Me: Absolutely.

I stood up and headed out. I saw Zweli since

he works there and he was just so excited to
see me.
Zweli: How is it going?
Me: There’s no hope bafo. (Brother.)
Zweli: Stop downgrading yourself. I’m
pretty sure that went well.

The door opened and it was Mr Nkosi.

Nkosi: You can come back in.
Zweli patted my shoulder and walked away.
I got inside and was about to face all of this
alone.
Nkosi: These two gentlemen think that your
reply on the question that I asked you, was
not good enough.

Great. Just great. I poured out my whole

heart into this, spent the whole night drafting
this and they don’t like it? Some people are
just so fucken self centered which I find so
infuriating. I just stood up, disappointed.
Me: Thank you for your time.
Nkosi: I wasn’t done.
I took a seat again.
Nkosi: They see some potential in you.
Mr Thampi: You are intrepid Mr Khumalo,
one thing that we need in this company.
Mr Tshabalala: And by that, we welcome
you as our new marketing manager in
Nkosi’s Winery Capital.

I couldn’t believe it. I honestly couldn’t

believe it.
Me: I don’t even know what to say. Thank
you so much. I promise not to let you down.
Nkosi: You have to start as soon as possible
though. So tomorrow will be fine, right?
Me: Most definitely.
Nkosi: At 7am, you must be here. My PA
will show you just a few things, including
your office, your colleagues, how things are
done here and everything else.
Me: Okay.

I handshook the three of them and headed

out. Nyoni was standing outside her car,
pacing up and down. When she saw me, she
searched for some glimmer of hope in my
face, with both her hands folded.
Nyoni: How did it go?
Me: I got the job.
Nyoni: Oh my goodness!

She shot me with one of her brightest smiles

and started jumping up and down before
hugging me. I couldn’t help it but spin her
around because I was too excited. And all of
this wouldn’t have happened without her.
NYONI

I was so happy for Qaza. He deserved all of

this. I made my way in and noticed Ntsika’s
car. I got inside the house and found him
making some food for himself.
Me: You’re back. How was your shift?
Ntsika: Why are you asking me?
Me: Trying to make this work. How was
your shift?

I put the keys on top of the counter and

opened the fridge to check out something to
eat, like a fruit. I noticed some strawberries
and I took them out.
Ntsika: It was fine. Where are you from?

I rinsed the strawberries in the sink and

ignored his question.
Ntsika: Huh?
Me: Sorry?
Ntsika: Where are you from?
Me: Oh uhh, I went to pay Samantha a visit.
Ntsika: I called her and she told me that
she’s in Mpumalanga, not with you.

Damned. Doomed.
Me: You have her numbers?
Ntsika: I’m your husband. It’s my
responsibility to know every single thing
happening in your life.
Me: We both know that isn’t real Ntsika, cut
it.
Ntsika: I am your husband Nyoni.
Me: So what?

I took the strawberries and I headed to my

room. I needed to take a rest because this
marriage drama was just so fucken tiring.

BONTLE

I still can’t believe that people were still

tagging me in this whole Ntsika getting
married thing. That’s how life is when
you’re generally popular. I missed him, so
much. But someway, somehow I had to let
him go because he was now someone’s
husband. I had just taken a shower when I
received a call from an unknown caller. I’m
pretty sure it was one of those journalists
that couldn’t keep their stinky noses out of
people’s lives.

I continued lotioning my body and my

phone couldn’t stop ringing. I was so pissed
and it was very unfair for me to keep all this
anger to myself, I wanted to take it out on
this unknown annoying caller who is most
probably a journalist. I picked up the call.

Me: Reetsa fa wena rubbish, tlogela go

leletsa dinomoro tsa me kgotsa ke tla go
sekisa. (Listen here you rubbish, stop calling
my numbers or I’ll sue you.)
Caller: It’s still early for you to be this
angry. Yin ndaba? (What is wrong?)
Me: And who is this?
Caller: Come outside and you’ll find out.

This person hung up after. The audacity to

just randomly call me and then hang up on
me. People have no respect honestly. I wore
my black tights, with a white t-shirt and
sandals. My frontal was all right and I just
didn’t feel like styling it. I stay in a complex
by myself. I headed out.

Right outside my apartment, there was a

black Mercedes benz parked there and a guy
that was looking at the other side, so I
couldn’t see his face. Not unless if he turned
to look at me of course.

Me: Who are you?

He turned to look at me and he smirked.

Me: Phakeme, hi.
Phakeme: Are you drunk?
Me: Do I look like I’m drunk?
Phakeme: Just get in the car.
Me: Excuse me?
Phakeme: Ngena. (Get in.)
Me: You’re not even asking me?
Phakeme: Just get in.
Me: I have a meeting with my modelling
agent. Have a good day.
Phakeme: I spoke to your modelling agent,
Ziyanda and asked her to cancel that
meeting for you.
Me: Excuse me? Who are you to call my
modelling agent and cancel my meetings for
me?
Phakeme: I’m Phakeme Ndlovu. I’m not
going to ask you again, just get in.

I seriously couldn’t believe this guy.

NYONI

I was trying to call Samantha and her calls

were not getting in, they just sent me
straight to voicemail. Ntsika instantly made
his way in and stood in front of me.
Me: What happened to knocking?
Ntsika: We need to talk.

I just sat up and looked at him.

Me: Talk.
Ntsika: I am your husband and you’re going
to respect me.
Me: Or what Ntsika?
I’m not sure if I saw some birds flying in
and out quickly, or if I was feeling my own
things but most definitely, he slapped me.
Ntsika literally slapped. He got the wrong
person because I wasn’t going to let him
slap me and just do nothing about it. As I
was about to get up to slap him back, he
immediately started strangling me.
Ntsika: This is what is going to happen if
you’re not going to show me some respect.
You are my damn wife and you will act like
one. My friends are coming over for dinner
at six, prepare something for everyone. You
are my wife. Act like one!
He let go of me and smiled. He started
fixing my hair and kissed my forehead.
Ntsika: I love you.

I looked at him, still so shocked and

defeated.
Ntsika: Are you going to say it?
Me: I love you too.
Ntsika: Good girl. Now get up and start
preparing something. Pick an outfit and look
nice. Change those dull clothes, they’re
ugly.
He headed out. Fucken psychopath.
Insert 12

I still couldn’t believe this. Ntsika slapped

me. I decided to make some mac and cheese
with mashed potatoes and spinach. He made
his way into the kitchen.
Ntsika: What are you cooking?

I kept quiet and continued with the dishes.

Ntsika: Can I please have your phone?
Me: What for?
Ntsika: Are you going to give me or not?
He noticed that it was on top of the counter
and he took it.
Me: Ntsika you’re going to give me back my
phone.
Ntsika: Or what sweety? I need your email
details. And quickly change what you’re
wearing, my friends are on their way. I took
out some outfit for you, wear it. It’s on top
of the bed.

He walked away. I couldn’t believe him. I

took a shower and wore the outfit that he
chose for me. It was my yellow floral dress
with sandals. I tried covering up the bruise
that was on my face, the one that I got
because of him.

When I went to the kitchen, I noticed his

friends had arrived. He came to the kitchen.
Ntsika: Dish up. It’s only two of them.
That meant that it was three of them in total.
I also dished up for myself since I was going
to join them. I took the plates to the dining
room and greeted his friends. One was black
and the other one looked like he was Indian.
Ntsika: Thank you babe. This looks
amazing.

I was about to take a seat but he stopped me.

Ntsika: What are you doing?
Me: I’m taking a seat so that I can eat.
Ntsika: You can’t. Go and eat in your room.
Me: Ntsika, you’re not going to fucken
control..
Ntsika: Your room! We have serious things
to discuss here.
Me: Fine, can I have my phone then?
Ntsika: Did you take your med?
Me: Med?
Ntsika: Your pills babe. Gentlemen, please
excuse me. My wife here was diagnosed
with bipolar recently so I have to make sure
that she takes her pills.
Me: Are you crazy?

He just took my hand and I followed him.

When we got to his bedroom, he forcefully
grabbed my arm and threw me on top of the
bed before closing the door.
Ntsika: I dare you to do something stupid
like that, and your little boyfriend’s family
will get hurt.
Me: Excuse me?
Ntsika: Qaza. He has been calling you but
don’t worry, I texted him. I told him that
you wanted nothing to do with him and that
he should stay the hell away from you
because you’re married.
Me: With my phone? Are you sick?
Ntsika: Get some sleep. And for what you
did today, you’re not going to eat anything
tonight. And scream all you want, no one’s
going to hear you. This is a soundproof
room.

He switched off the lights and locked me in.

Insecure monsters. I’ve met them before.
But with every encounter with Ntsika, he
always left me scared.

QAZA
I’ve been trying to call Nyoni after that sick
text I got from her. “I’m married and it’s
time I focus on my marriage Qaza. I had a
great time with you but I can’t do this
anymore. Ntsika is far more important than
you. Furthermore, you’re too ghetto for me.”

I’ve been staring at that text for the longest

time and I just couldn’t believe this.
Khethi: Are you sure you don’t want to talk
about it?
Me: What?
Khethi: That look on your face. You look
depressed for someone who has just gotten a
new, well paying job. What is it?
Me: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
She quickly snatched my phone from me.
Me: Khethiwe!

She continued reading the chats.

Khethi: Yoh, I’m not surprised.

She gave me back my phone.

Khethi: “Furthermore, you’re too ghetto for
me”. Really?
Me: But this doesn’t sound like her.
Khethi: It doesn’t but I guess she’s just
showing you her true colours. Yoh!

It is true when they say that, being hurt by

someone that you love is the worst feeling.
SAMANTHA

I was surprised when I got a text from Nyoni

that I quote, “I can’t do this friendship thing
with you anymore. You were supposed to
just fucken lie for me but you decided not to.
Don’t even think of calling me bitch”.

Okay one, that most definitely doesn’t sound

like Nyoni. Two, what the hell has gotten
into her? I had to attend to a family
emergency about my little brother. They are
saying that his heart problems have started
again and he was admitted in hospital. My
mother wasn’t coping at all and I just had to
be there for her.
I tried calling Nyoni multiple times but it
looked like she blocked my numbers. I tried
calling Ntuthuko but he wasn’t answering
his calls. I had no other choice but to call
Phakeme and he picked it up instantly.
Phakeme: Missing me?
Me: Where is your sister? I need to talk to
her.
Phakeme: You have her numbers, why don’t
you call her?
Me: She blocked me.
Phakeme: Doesn’t sound like her. I will try
calling her and then I’ll get back to you.
How are you?
Me: I don’t know, my life is just so messed
up lately.
I threw myself on top of the bed, with the
phone still placed in my ear.
Phakeme: What’s wrong?
Me: Andile is in hospital and I just don’t
have enough money to pay for his hospital
bills and he needs medication. My mother
on the other side, is not coping. Nyoni
blocked me. I am really not okay.
Phakeme: I’ll talk to Nyoni and sorry about
your brother. I’ll see what I can do with the
hospital bills and medication for him.
Me: There’s no need for that.
Phakeme: Ngiyakuthanda Samantha. Futhi
angiziboni ngithanda omunye umuntu
ngendlela engikuthanda ngayo. Lalela,
ngizoyi lungisa yonke lento. Ulale kahle. (I
love you Samantha. And I don’t see myself
loving someone else as much as I love you.
Listen, I’ll sort all of this up. Goodnight.)

He hung up. Honestly, Phakeme has always

been that one person that always spoke
sense. No lies, I needed that call.

NYONI

I’ve been locked in this room for a long

time. I’ve been trying to unlock the door,
banging it but no one came to rescue me. I
had to do something. I unplugged the light
lamp. What I was about to do, was seriously
stupid but I had to do it. I wasn’t going to
allow this psychopath control my life. I took
the lamp and stood by the corner of the door.
After a while, he unlocked the door and
made his way in. I didn’t even wait for a
second, I instantly hit him with this lamp in
his head. He groaned and fell. He was
holding my phone, so it also dropped.

I quickly picked it up and ran out. I looked

for the car keys in the kitchen and quickly
ran out, to my car. I drove out but seconds
later, I noticed that he was following me
with his car. Shit. I quickly dialled Qaza’s
numbers because they are the only numbers
that I knew by head and could possibly think
of. Thank God he answered the phone call
quickly.
Qaza: What do you want?
Me: I need your help. He’s going to kill me
Qaza.
Qaza: What are you saying?
Me: My husband is going to kill me. As
we’re speaking, he’s following me with his
car.

I guess Ntsika was just a fast driver because

he managed to block my way and I couldn’t
pass, or even do a u-turn. He went out of his
car.
Me: The address is 346 Meandro Road,
Ruimsug.

He hurriedly opened the door and pointed

me with a gun. There was no car passing, we
were just in the middle of nowhere.
Ntsika: Get out!
My life was literally over.

Insert 13

This sick man put me inside his boot and left

my car, just like that in the middle of the
road. I guess that he was driving us to our
house. He pointed me with a gun and told
me to go out. I did as instructed for my own
good.

When we got inside the house, he slapped

me again. He pushed me against the wall
and started kicking my whole body, my
stomach, my back, my neck, my face, my
thighs until he felt satisfied. I didn’t want to
cry, I didn’t want to show him that I was
weak. Even if I was going to die, I wasn’t
going to die with him thinking that I was
weak.

QAZA

After getting that call from Nyoni,

everything finally made sense. That wasn’t
her who typed out that shit, it was that
psychopath. Luckily, Zweli arrived right
after I got that call and I asked him to take
me there. Luckily, she gave me an address
after hanging up. I was just so stressed. I
wasn’t going to forgive myself if something
was to happen to her.
Me: Everything would be so much better if
you drove a little faster.
Zweli: I’m trying.
Me: Well, try harder.
Zweli: Bafo, yehlisa umoya. (Brother, calm
down.)

They say that patience is virtue but I was

just running out of it. We had to get there
faster. The GPS told us that we were just
five minutes away but that five minutes felt
like a whole decade. I had to save her.
Zweli: We’re almost there calm down.
Should I put on some music to calm you..
Me: Fokof. (Fuck off.)
Zweli: Okay.

I was so pissed, so infuriated, so mad. After

a whole decade, we finally made it into that
bastard’s house.
Zweli: He stays here. 346 Meandro..
Me: Ucabanga ukuthi angiboni? (Don’t you
think that I can see that?)
Zweli: I understand that you’re angry but
show some respect, please. I don’t mind
driving all the way back.
Me: Nx!

I went out of the car to open the gate and

unfortunately, it was locked. Zweli also
went out of the car.
Me: It’s locked.
Zweli: How the hell are we going to get in?
Me: I don’t know. Can’t we jam the gate or
something?
Zweli: Uh, I think I have some pliers in the
boot.
Me: Ama plier azoyenzani Zweli? (What are
pliers going to do Zweli?)
Zweli: Ey bafo, ngiyasiza la. (Bro, I’m
helping here.)
Me: We are going to jump in.
Zweli: Can’t you see the electric wires?
Me: We just need a ladder to jam them, then
we’ll jump.
Zweli: You can see that I’m already short,
you want me to be a dwarf ne?
Me: On our way here, I saw a garage
I’m pretty sure they have a ladder.
Zweli: Alright, let’s go.

I didn’t want to leave but I had to. The only

way for me to make my way in and save
Nyoni, was to go back and fetch a ladder.
We drove to the garage and it wasn’t really
far. We made our way inside and went to
the guy that was selling pies inside the
garage.
Me: Sho. (Hi.)
Him: Yeah, yeah.
Me: We need your help.
Him: Nikhala ngani? (What is it?)
Me: We need a stepping ladder.
Him: Uh, let me go and check it out for you
in the store room.
Me: Alright.
He went out and we patiently waited for
him. I was running out of patience because
he was taking forever but I really had to try
to be nice. After a few minutes, he came
back with the stepping ladder.
Him: It’s not even mine, so please bring it
back gents.
Me: Most definitely. Siyabonga. (Thank
you.)

We hurriedly headed out and luckily it fitted

in the car because it wasn’t that long. We
drove back to that bastard’s house.
NYONI
He was still pointing me with a gun, with
nothing but bullshit coming out of his
mouth.
Ntsika: Your problem is that, you don’t
listen. Bontle always obeyed my rules, that
is why I never treated her like rubbish. She
never saw my ugly side but you.. Nyoni
you’re something else. You’re full of
yourself. Look at yourself now. No one’s
going to save you. You annoy me.
Me: You are sick.

This time it wasn’t a slap, it was a punch, a

hard punch that went directly to my nose. I
couldn’t help it but cry. He was correct
about one thing, no one was going to save
me.
Ntsika: That’s enough. It’s time for you to
die. Will blow out your brains then tell your
family that we were held hostage by
lunatics.

It was over for me. Literally over.

Ntsika: But before I kill you, let me tell you
a story.

He took a chair and placed it directly

opposite where he tied me up.

Ntsika: Once upon a time, there was a boy.

This boy had both his parents and he came
from a very rich family but it wasn’t so
perfect. His dad would beat up his mom in
front of him all the time. One time, this
boy’s mother tried escaping. Do you know
what this boy did? He hit his mom with a
baseball bat, three times. You know why he
did that? He thought that it was a right thing
to do. He hit her with a baseball bat and he
aimed for the head. Do you want to know
how that was for him? Satisfying. Do you
know who that boy is? Ntsika Mdluli!

He clapped his hands and started laughing.

This man was most definitely a lunatic. A
whole sociopath.
Me: Just kill me Ntsika.

I don’t know if it was me seeing my things,

or maybe this is what normally happens
before you die but I saw Qaza. He was
slowly tiptoeing, holding a knife in his hand.
I was trying to tell him that Ntsika was
holding a gun but I guess it was too late.
Ntsika saw him and pointed him with a gun.
Ntsika: This is getting interesting.

Zweli was right behind Qaza, also holding a

knife. I heard a gunshot that pierced through
my ears. I’m not even sure who shot who,
but Zweli fell down. Blood started gushing
out in his chest and it was visible because he
was wearing a white t-shirt. I literally
screamed and started crying.
Me: Why did you shoot him?

I was trying to untie myself but nothing was

happening. Qaza and Ntsika started fighting
over the gun and somehow, the gun was
being fired. Not just once, multiple times.
Have you ever felt so useless? Unusable and
hopeless? That is how I felt.

Insert 14
He killed the both of them. That sociopath
killed them and all that I could possibly do
was just scream and cry. I couldn’t stop
asking him why and on his side, he was just
so excited. He couldn’t stop laughing and I
could feel something shaking me. I quickly
opened my eyes and Qaza was standing
right in front of me, holding my hand with
his shirt full of blood.

Qaza: Relax, it’s just a bad dream.

Me: You are alive.
I put my head down and tears just streamed
down my cheeks.
Me: You saved me.
He kissed my forehead and held my hand.
That’s when I remembered that Zweli is the
one that got shot.
Me: Zweli?
Qaza: He’s in ICU. They won’t let me see
him.
Me: Ntsika?
Qaza: He’s dead.

No matter how badly I wanted him to die, I

wasn’t ready for this. My family rushed in
and my mother quickly ran to me and
hugged me.
Mom: Nana.

She couldn’t stop kissing my face and

squeezing herself onto me.
Qaza: I have to go.

He winked at me before heading out. He

saved me. Qaza Khumalo saved me. My
father was just standing by the door, facing
the floor.
Shaka: Are you okay?

I just nodded.
Me: I told you guys that I didn’t want this
marriage thing. Baba? (Dad?)

He looked at me for the longest time before

heading out. Phakeme made his way in with
Samantha. Samantha hurriedly ran to me
and hugged me. She greeted everyone and
started crying.
Samantha: What happened to your face?
Me: Long story.
Phakame: Iphi leyanja? (Where’s that
bastard?)
Me: Dead.
Phakeme: Who killed him?
Ntuthu: This is seriously not the time for
that Phakeme.
Phakeme: Ungakhulumi udoti. You do know
that it’s Mancinza’s son that is dead right?
(Don’t talk rubbish.)
Ntuthu: It’s not like you will do something
about that Phakeme. The forensics and the
police are stripping down that house, getting
fingerprints and everything.
Phakeme: Who killed him Nyoni?
Me: I don’t remember honestly. What I
remember is Qaza fighting..
Ntuthu: Qaza Khumalo? One of our truck
drivers?
Phakeme: The one who just walked out right
now?
Shaka: Qaza?
Samantha: Qaza?
Mom: Enough! My daughter needs to rest,
you will ask whatever that you want to ask
her when the time is right. Right now, she
needs to rest.
Phakeme: He did that to you?
Mom: Phakeme!
He flared his nostrils and headed out. He
looked so mad. That’s Bhut Phakeme for
you. Very overprotective when it comes to
me specifically.
Samantha: You scared us friend.

I didn’t know what to do, so I just shrugged

my shoulders.
Mom: What should I order for you?
Ntuthu: Hang in there and come back as the
bold Nyoni that we know. Asambe Shaka,
we have far more important things to sort
out. (Let’s go Shaka.)
Me: More important than me?
Ntuthu: Of course not. Apparently Mancinza
heard that his son is dead and we have to
make sure that all of this doesn’t come back
at us.
Me: And Qaza. Just make sure that nothing
happens to him. He saved me Ntuthu.
Ntuthu: Is he your boyfriend?
Me: Are you going to do what I’m asking
you or not? Just make sure that his family is
safe and sound.
Shaka: We’ll make sure of that.
Ntuthu: I’ll buy you some jelly tots and ice
cream when I come back.
Me: Shut up.

They headed out.

Mom: Let me go and check out some coffee
with muffins. Is that fine?
Me: Sure.

She kissed my forehead before heading out.

Samantha: Friend, I am so sorry for my
behaviour lately. That text that you sent me,
I totally deserved it.
Me: What text?
Samantha: The one that you sent me last
night.
Me: I didn’t have my phone with me last
night, that sociopath had it.
Samantha: Ntsika?
Me: The one and only. I wish Qaza didn’t
kill him you know, I wanted to kill him.
Samantha: You don’t mean that.
Me: I mean it. He put me through hell in just
one night. Look at my face Sam. My car is
probably stolen and is getting stripped
presently.
Samantha: What exactly happened?
I explained each and everything to her. From
when I got home yesterday, to him slapping
and strangling me, hitting him with a light
lamp and running out, him tying me up and
Qaza saving me.
Sam: Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry friend. I
also had to be somewhere.
Me: Where?
Sam: Home. Andile’s heart problems started
again.
Me: Ahh, friend. I’m so sorry about that.
But Andile is a big boy, he will be fine.
Sam: My mother is not coping Nyoni.
Me: Come here.
She hugged me and I just held onto her for a
long time. She needed this hug more than I
did.

QAZA

I hated the idea of leaving Nyoni and Zweli

in this place. At least Nyoni woke up and
she had her family but what about
Zwelethu? I wasn’t even able to tell his
uncle about what had happened to his
nephew. I couldn’t help but blame myself
for all of this. I shouldn’t have dragged
Zweli into this whole mess with Nyoni’s
husband.
I took Zweli’s car and drove home with it. I
really needed to take a bath because the
smell of blood was just all over my body.
My clothes, my hands, my face had nothing
but a scent of blood. My mom and Khethi
were already up and I’m pretty sure they
didn’t even sleep because I left last night
and they never heard anything from me
afterwards.
Mom: Uphi uZwelethu? (Where is Zweli?)
Khethi: Is he dead?

Khethi’s eyes were already teary.

Khethi: Please say something Bhut Qaza.
Me: He was shot but he will be fine.
Khethi: How do you even know that? Unless
you studied medicine.
Mom: Khethiwe!
I totally understood where Khethi’s anger
was coming from. Zweli was technically
family.
Khethi: Let me go and run some water for
you. You’re already late for work.

She quickly wiped her tears and walked

away.
Mom: UNyoni yena? (What about Nyoni?)
Me: She’s fine. Uphi uLetho? (Where is
Letho?)
Mom: Khethi took her to school. Are you
okay?
Me: Does it even matter Ma? I killed a
whole human being. Two people almost
died because of me.
She held her mouth, with her huge eyes
wide opened.
Mom: Ubulale bani Qaza? (Who did you kill
Qaza?)
Me: Can we talk about this later Ma, I’m
already late.

I headed out to my room to fetch my clothes.

I was feeling so weak, mad at myself and
everyone else.

NTHUTHUKO

I hated seeing my sister like that. Her whole

face was just a mess, she had bruises
everywhere. I’m always surprised by her
perseverance and that little glimmer she
always carries, that glimmer full of so much
hope. We were all in my dad’s study room,
Phakeme, Shaka and my dad.

I’ve spent my whole life, proving my

honesty and integrity to my dad about how
serious I was about our family business but
it seems like all the attention always goes to
Phakeme. I get it that he’s the older brother
but aren’t Shaka’s efforts and my efforts
proving enough how serious we are about
the family business? The logistic company is
just a cover up. We don’t do that. We are
assassins and that is what brings us real
money.

Believe me when I say, killing people for a

living is not what I planned for my future
but here I am. I had to forget about my
dreams of being a whole doctor and focus on
the family business.

Our housekeeper, Amahle made her way in

the study.
Amahle: I’m so sorry for disturbing you but
someone’s here to see you.

Right after that, Mancinza barged in.

Dad: Thank you Amahle, you can leave.

She nodded and left. Just what I expected,

Mancinza, Mancinza, fucken Mancinza.
Mancinza: Ndlovu, who killed my son?
He took out his gun and pointed our father
with it. We weren’t just going to watch him
point our own father with a gun and do
nothing about it. The audacity to even do
that. We also took our guns and pointed him
with them.
Mancinza: I’ve got nothing to lose. Who
killed my son? I’m not going to ask you
again.
Dad: It’s not my fault that your son was a
sick man. Did you see what he did to my
daughter? Did you!? Now, leave my house.

Mancinza clenched his hands into fists with

his gun still pointed at my dad.
Phakeme: Hamba Mancinza. (Leave
Mancinza.)
Mancinza: This isn’t over.
He hurriedly went out.
Phakeme: We have to deal with him.
Ntuthuko: Don’t you think that will cause us
more problems?
Phakeme: He’s our biggest problem and we
deal with bigger problems instantly.
Dad: Phakeme has a point.

Not surprised. He always has a point. I just

headed out. I had to make sure that Qaza’s
family was safe and sound, just like Nyoni
asked me.
Insert 15

TWO WEEKS LATER

QAZA

Things got a bit better. Both at work and in

my personal life. Being a marketing
manager isn’t easy but I was pulling it
through. I got my very first payment
yesterday. It was precisely eight times the
salary I used to get when I was a driver.
Zweli and Nyoni both went out of hospital
but since then, Nyoni has been very distant.
I honestly understood where all of that was
coming from, she deserved a break from
everything.

Last night, I took my whole family out for

dinner and we bought a lot of groceries. I
also managed to rent in an apartment, my
apartment. I was planning on moving in
today. Mr Nkosi has been nothing but a very
good boss to me and a good friend I have to
say. He’s probably twice my age, but yes, he
is a good friend. He insisted on paying
people to arrange the apartment for me since
I already bought a few things. I was also
able to fix my car and pay for Khethi’s
school fees. She was just two weeks ahead
from her final exams for grade 12 and she
was already working her ass off.
I asked Zweli to accompany me to my new
apartment to check out everything because I
got a call from Mr Nkosi, telling me that his
people were almost done doing their thing in
my apartment. It is somewhere in Rosebank.
Zweli: I’m happy for you bafo. (I’m happy
for you brother.)
Me: Honestly, all of this wouldn’t have
happened without you.

If it wasn’t for Zweli, I wouldn’t have gotten

the job. Without him, I wouldn’t have
believed in myself. He believed in me more
than anyone and for that, I will forever be
grateful.
 • When we got there, everything was
moved in, looked all good and sorted.
The TV, couches and everything else.
Some other things, Mr Nkosi insisted on
buying them for me. Now, I just had to
make things right between me and
Nyoni.
NYONI

Two weeks of nothing but hell and misery.

Sleepless nights, depressive days and nights,
same mess but just different days. I also
tried spending some time away from social
media and I was on my way to my first
therapy session because I really needed it.
My dad has been avoiding me this whole
time, making excuses every time when I
needed to talk to him.
Bontle and Samantha have been nothing but
sweethearts. They were just my rocks and
were there for me, this whole time. They
are also the ones who were accompanying
me to this therapy session.

BONTLE

Phakeme and I have been working some

things out. He asked me to be his girlfriend a
week ago and we had our very first time last
night, in his place. I’ve been keeping this
thing a secret, even from Nyoni and
Samantha. Nyoni has been suspecting that
there is something happening but I have
been denying it the whole time.

NTUTHUKO
I’ve been trying to focus on reading this
book that I was holding but my mind was
just very far. I was so indecisive. I wanted to
go back to med school to finish my studies
but that would infuriate my dad so much.
Amahle: What book are you reading?
Me: Behind Closed Doors by B.A Paris.
Amahle: And your book is upside down.

I looked at her, then the book. That’s when I

noticed that that it was literally upside down.
What was I even reading?
She chuckled and continued sweeping.
Amahle: Something huge must be worrying
you.
Me: Nothing huge.
I turned the book the other way around and
tried reading again but nothing was making
sense. Amahle placed the broom by the wall
and came to sit next to me.
Amahle: What is troubling you Bhut
Ntuthuko?
Me: How many times do I have to tell you
not to call me that, just Ntuthu.
Amahle: Okay “just Ntuthu”, what’s
troubling you?
Me: I feel like no one ever values my
hardwork. I’ve spent almost my entire life
proving to this family how important the
family business is to me but all the time, all
the credit goes to Phakeme. I had to forget
about my own dreams of being a whole
doctor and I placed the family business as
my first priority.
Amahle: Have you ever spoken to your dad
about this?
Me: Not really.
Amahle: Yes or no?
Me: No.
Amahle: Then talk to him. Show him that
without your presence and your hardwork,
the family business is nothing. Sometimes
people tend to value things only when they
are gone.
Me: Wow. Did you somehow study being a
therapist or something? Because you’re
good at this Amahle.

She laughed. I’ve never heard her laugh

before. She has worked for our family for
almost three years now but I have never
heard her laugh. Amahle is always working,
always focused and carries so much respect
with her.
Amahle: I’m actually doing my final year in
B.com.
Me: Business Commerce?
Amahle: Yeah.
Me: Wow.
Amahle: Your father would kill me if he saw
me talking to you instead of working. But
you, just talk to him.

She patted my shoulder twice before

standing up and continuing with sweeping.
Wow, I really needed that. Maybe speaking
to Baba about this and showing him that
without me, the family business was literally
nothing.
NYONI

The session wasn’t really bad, it actually

went well. Yes, I did cry here and there and
it was not that easy opening up to a stranger
but for my own good, I had to open up. My
two girls were waiting for me by the waiting
area and hurriedly stood up after seeing me.
They both gave me a hug.
Bontle: How was it?

We walked to Bontle’s car that was in the

parking lot.
Me: It wasn’t bad.
I instantly got a call from Qaza. I wasn’t
expecting that.
Samantha: Are you going to answer that call
or?
Me: It’s Q, should I answer it?
Bontle: Why not?

It stopped ringing but he called again. This

time I didn’t hesitate or act like a fool, I
answered it immediately.
Me: Hello.
Qaza: Nyoni.
Me: Hi.
Qaza: Unjani? (How are you?)
Me: I’m okay. And you?
Qaza: I’m also okay. I’m actually feeling a
lot better after hearing your voice.
I just chuckled because I didn’t know what
else to do.
Qaza: Do you have plans tonight?
Me: Not really, why are you asking?
Qaza: At seven pm I’ll come to pick you up.
Me: Uh, okay.

He hung up and I placed my phone right on

my chest, still shocked.
Samantha: Are you planning on telling us
what the hell he said to you or not?
Me: He’s saying that he’s coming to pick me
up tonight at seven.

The both of them screamed and Samantha

couldn’t stop laughing.
Me: What is it?
Bontle: You are finally going on your first
date!
Samantha: We need to sort you out, you
look like a mess.
Bontle: She’s right. Let’s go to my place to
fetch the make up set and a few dresses
because your wardrobe is probably dull like
you.
Me: Ouch.

We drove to Bontle’s apartment to fetch the

makeup set and few of her dresses that
looked very expensive. I’m not surprised
though, she is a model. We drove back to
my house.
Samantha was doing my hair because she’s
really good in doing that. They both picked
this other white dress that fit my body so
well.
Me: It looks good but I think it’s short.
Samantha: Do you even know the definition
of short?
Bontle: This dress is perfectly fine.

Bontle was busy with my face, spicing it up.

I had my gown on because I didn’t want to
fill the white dress with some makeup.
Me: How do you do it?
Bontle: What, the make up?
Me: No, your confidence. You’re always
confident.
She chuckled before applying my lips with
some gloss.
Bontle: Why do you think that I’m
confident?
Me: Because you are. I always feel stupid
and I just don’t care. One thing I know is
that, I’m not so confident.
Bontle: I also used to feel stupid until I
decided not to.
Samantha: And one thing about confidence
is that, you fake it till you make it bae.
Bontle: True because no one knows if its
real or not.
Samantha: Yeah.
Bontle: I think I’m done.
Samantha: You look so gorgeous.
I stood up and took off my gown before
taking a proper look at myself in the mirror.
Wow, I looked completely different but
more beautiful.
Me: I think I look beautiful.
Bontle: No, remove that “think” in your
sentence please.
Me: I look beautiful!
Samantha: See, fake it till you make it.

We both laughed.
Bontle: Oh and guys, I need to tell you
something.
Samantha: Spill.
Me: What is it?

She sat on top of the bed and looked at me.

Bontle: Promise that you won’t get mad?
Me: I won’t.
Bontle: Uh, I’m dating your brother.
Samantha: Nthuthuko?
Bontle: No, Phakeme.

Samantha was drinking water but she

instantly chocked after hearing that.
Samantha: Phakeme Ndlovu?
Bontle: Yeah.

I couldn’t help it but laugh because she

looked so sad.
Me: Why would you think that I would get
mad Bontle?
I sat on top of the bed next to her.
Bontle: I don’t know.
Me: Firstly, do you love him?
Bontle: He makes me happy.
Me: I’ll take that as a yes.
Samantha: Five minutes to seven!
Bontle: Enough about me, let’s get you
ready.

I wore some heels that weren’t really high

but were just normal in length. They showed
off my cute toes and had some white nail
polish on. I took my little white cute
handbag and put some pads, my cell phone
and some cash in there. After a while, I got a
call from Qaza telling me that he was
outside. Butterflies literally filled my
stomach but it was now or never.
Bontle: All the best bae!
Samantha: Don’t bhayiza. (Don’t act
stupid.)
Me: I’ll try not to.

They both got in Bontle’s car and left. Gosh,

was I really going on my first date?

SAMANTHA

Bontle and Phakeme? No ways. She was

driving me to my apartment but I couldn’t
stop thinking about this whole thing. She
was out here talking him but I wasn’t even
interested in whatever that she was saying.
Bontle: Yey wena! (Hey you!)

Finally, I snapped out.

Me: Huh?
Bontle: Where is your silly mind at?
Me: Sorry, it’s work.
Bontle: What about work?
Me: It’s nothing major, just the people I
work with. What were you saying?
Bontle: Phakeme. Girl!
She couldn’t stop laughing right after saying
his name.
Me: What about him?
Bontle: I love him Sam. Well, yesterday was
our first time and child, it was extremely
good. He’s good.
Me: You guys are seriously dating?
Bontle: Yep!
Me: I’m not so sure about Phakeme friend.
He’s not a good guy.
Bontle: Why do you say that?
Me: He’s selfish as hell and probably he’s
cheating on you.
Bontle: That’s jealousy talking.
Me: I’m being serious. Phakeme is not a
“go-to” person. I’ve known him for almost
my entire life. And he has a lot of
girlfriends. But maybe he has changed.
Bontle: He better change then.

Okay, I don’t even know what the hell I’m

doing right now but I wasn’t going to let
Phakeme get away with this.
NYONI

He fetched me with his car and took me to

this fancy restaurant and so far, so good. I’m
not even sure if you’re not supposed to eat a
lot on a date or not but I’ve been eating.
Me: I’m sorry for asking but where do you
get all this money?
Qaza: I got a new job, a good paying job and
yesterday was my pay day.
Me: I really hope you’re not hijacking cars.
He chuckled before replying back.
Qaza: Of course not. My mother would kill
me.
Me: She raised a good son.
Qaza: See, she is a single mother and she did
everything that she could do for me and
Khethi, so the least that I could is just be a
good son for her.
Me: That’s cute Q..
Qaza: Don’t you want us to take a walk? I’m
pretty sure you are going to love this place.
Me: Uh-

Before I could even finish off my sentence,

he was already up, helping me to stand up. I
was in desperate need of his help because I
was so full.
We walked out and he took his hand into
mine.
Qaza: You look beautiful today.

I love the tense in which he used, “look” not

“looked”. Of course, I look beautiful.
Working on deciding not to feel stupid like
Bontle told me today, by faking it till I make
it.
Me: You also look good today. And you
smell great.
Qaza: No one has ever said that to me
besides Khethi in my whole life.
Me: Really?

I don’t know how to even explain this, but

he smells great. He has his own odour that is
completely different, unique and smells
amazing. You heard what I said? It is
different.
Qaza: For reals. Do you want to have
babies?
Me: That’s a tricky question. I do love
babies but now’s not the time.
Qaza: Why?
Me: I still want to work on my career in law,
get everything aligned and then I maybe I’ll
have babies.
Qaza: Yeah.
Me: Do you? I mean you do have one but
would you like to have one now?
Qaza: I never really wanted a baby, it was
teenage pregnancy I guess. I like babies but
I didn’t want to have my own.
Me: Why?
Qaza: Mainly because I don’t know my own
father and he was never present. I was
scared that maybe I would be a terrible
father to my kids and actually fail them.
Me: Q, you are a good father and everyone
knows that.
Qaza: I wish I believed that.
Me: You better.

We both laughed.
Qaza: But I would really love having one
with you.
Me: What?
Qaza: A baby. You would make a great
mother.
The butterflies I spent almost an hour, trying
to lock them up, hurriedly made their way
out. My stomach was literally turning. I was
even out of words.
He let go of my hand and picked out a little
sunflower on some tree. He came back and
handed it to me.
Qaza: I know this isn’t much but I promise
to buy you proper flowers next time. I love
you so much Nyoni, wholeheartedly.
Me: Qaz-
Qaza: I mean every single word. You make
me feel different, you’re the only thing
that’s making sense in my life presently.
Ngifuna ukukwenza owami MaNdlovu. (I
want to make you my own Ms Ndlovu.)
He planted a kiss on my forehead before
looking at me in the eyes again.
Qaza: I’ll truly respect your decision on
what I’m about to ask you right now kodwa
cela ube ngowami? (but please be mine?)
Me: What do you mean?
Qaza: Ngicela ube yintombi yami. (Please
be my girlfriend.)
Me: I love you Qaza.
Qaza: Is that a yes?

Honestly, I really loved him and he also

made me feel completely different and
happy, so I just nodded.
Qaza: Yes?
Me: Yes, I will be your girlfriend.
He smiled and showed his white straight
teeth before picking me up and spinning me
around. Oh my gosh, I was finally
someone’s girlfriend.

Insert 16

SAMANTHA
I still can’t believe that Phakeme is in a
relationship with Bontle. How could he?
Who is he? I’ve been panting up and down
the kitchen, trying to think of possible
reasons why Phakeme would do me so dirty.
Was paying for my little brother’s hospital
bills a way for him to say sorry for his
actions? I’ve been staring at my phone
screen that has his numbers dialled,
extravagantly indecisive on whether I should
call him or not.

NYONI

Mr Khumalo(and I mean Qaza by that)

decided to take me to his new apartment. It
was such an amazing night filled with
laughs, love, giggles and fun. We made our
way in and he switched on the lights. The
sofas were placed accordingly, the carpet,
TV and everything was just so perfecto.

Qaza: I’m sure that when you normally go to

a guy’s place, they ask you if you would like
something to drink or not.

I giggled before replying him back.

Me: Just so you know, it’s my first time.
Qaza: Going to a guy’s place?
Me: Yeap.

I took a seat on one of the bar stools.

Qaza: I’m sorry but I don’t believe that.
Me: Why? I look like a whore?
His whole demeanour changed and his face
switched up from a smile to being extremely
serious.
Qaza: First things first, don’t ever, I mean
ever call yourself that. Secondly, that’s not
what I meant.
Me: What did you mean then?
Qaza: Nyoni, you are a beautiful girl and a
guy that would possibly think that you have
not been with other guys is uh-
Me: What?
Qaza: I was still looking for a perfect word
but I’ll go with ‘fool’.

That made me laugh. One thing about Qaza,

he’s so hilarious.
Me: You are something else.
Qaza: You are something else MaNdlovu.

I smiled at that because no one has never

called me by my surname before, it’s always
Nyoni. I smiled at that because he called me
with a different name, I smiled at that
because he makes me happy. I found myself
jumping from the bar stool to him, kissing
him. Yes, kissing him.
Qaza: Nyoni-
Me: Mm?

I held his strong arms and looked at his

brown eyes, eyes that can be compared to
almost everything. Trunks of the trees, his
eyes, hair.
Qaza: I don’t have linens yet.
Me: Linens?
Qaza: For my bed.
Me: Can’t you buy them tomorrow?
Qaza: Do you even get what I’m saying?
Me: Yes, you don’t have linens.
Qaza: Meaning that we can’t have sex.
Me: You wanted us to have sex?
Qaza: Did you?
Me: Oh my goodness Qaza, no.

He brushed his thump through my cheek and

looked at me, sending more butterflies in my
tummy.
Qaza: You sure?

I didn’t want to reply back or say anything, I

kissed him. If I was about to lose my
virginity, then to hell with that. If I lost it,
then I lost it. This time, he kissed me
passionately, with his hands placed on my
waist, mine placed around his arms. We
continued kissing for a long time and his
hands kept on going down, till they reached
my butt.

I was also kissing him with so much

passion, enjoying the whole thing, going
with the flow. His hands went down to my
hips and he slowly lifted up my silk white
dress, I mean Bontle’s dress. I could feel his
fingertips, going up and down my hips. I
don’t know how but his hand reached my
panties. They didn’t just reach my panties,
they made their way in my panties, pushing
my panties aside.
One of his fingers but I think the middle
one, made contact with my clit. He started
rubbing it and just like that, I successfully
made it to heaven. He continued rubbing my
clit, with my mouth releasing uneasy moans.

There I was, being fingered for the first time

in my life. One finger in, two fingers in and
with three, I was already living my life in
“after life”, the world that God mentions in
the bible. I don’t even know what the hell I
was doing but I found myself unzipping his
pants, unbuttoning his shirt. He hurriedly
picked me up and placed me softly on top of
the sofa. That’s when I noticed that there
were no curtains.

Me: The curtains.

Qaza: What about them?
Me: There are no curtains Q.
Qaza: Who cares?
Me: What if someone sees us?
Qaza: Then they will watch this phenomenal
show that’s about to take place, the greatest
show of all time.

This wasn’t funny but I found myself

giggling. I don’t know if sex normally does
this to people but if it does, then I don’t
want it. Maybe I do. A bit.

I kissed him again and he continued doing

his job.
I still couldn’t get over those dark chocolate
abs. He slowly took off my dress and I was
left with my underwear since I wasn’t
wearing any bra. He took off his pants and
shirt and tossed everything to the floor. He
decided to take off his underwear and oh my
goodness...

I don’t think I’ve ever seen something so

huge in my whole life. Not only huge but
also scary. I was seriously having doubts but
it was now or never. He took off my panties
and fingered me again.
Qaza: Have you done this before?

I shook my head. He paused and looked at

me for some time.
Me: What?
Qaza: Nothing. I’ll try to be gentle with you,
okay?
Me: Okay.
Qaza: Kuzoba buhlungu kancane yezwa? (It
will painful a bit, okay?)
Me: Yeah.

He separated my legs, placing his body in

between. He kissed me, relaxing my body in
so many ways. Unexpectedly, he pushed his
way in. I couldn’t help but scream and cry at
the same time.
Qaza: Shhh.

He wasn’t helping, instead he was pushing

his way in more, and more and more.
Me: It’s painful Qaza.
No jokes, I was literally crying out tears. He
kept thrusting his way in and out. It got
better with time and he kept on kissing me.
In and out. It was getting better with time.
Pain mixed up with so much pleasure.
That’s how it was.

PHAKEME

I’ve been getting calls from Samantha, with

Bontle telling me about how much she
misses me, what she would like to do to me
next time when she sees me. Women.

Tonight I had to forget about all of that

because I had a huge job, killing the owner
of Nkosi’s Winery Capital, Hector Nkosi,
one of the wealthiest men in South Africa.

Easy, peasy, lemon squeezy. I just had to

wait for him by his car in the parking lot,
strangle him and make it look like it was a
car accident.

QAZA

She was sleeping on top of my chest,

wearing my shirt. I didn’t want to wake her
up, but I had to go and buy something for
her to eat. I gently placed her on the
cushions, fetched a throw that I bought
yesterday that was in my bedroom and
covered her with it. I wore my pants and my
grey hoodie, since I brought some of my
clothes.

I took my car keys and cellphone then I

headed out. I instantly got a call from Zweli.
Me: Yes?
Zweli: Did you hear about Mr Nkosi?
Me: Don’t tell me that he’s resigning.
Zweli: It’s worser than that.
Me: What?
Zweli: Yoh.
Me: Fokof, ungi phonele ukuthi uzothi
“yoh”? (Fuck off, did you call me just to say
“yoh”.)
Zweli: He got in a car accident last night.

I pulled over in the middle of the road, with

my phone still placed on my ear.
Me: What?
Zweli: Yeah. I heard that he got admitted in
Milpark Hospital.

I quickly hung up and headed there. What

on earth?
Insert 17

When I got there, it was so chaotic and I

didn’t even know where to start, where to
even receive help. I went back to the
reception area and there was still no one in
there. I saw this guy that was wearing blue
scrubs and I figured that it was a doctor. I
held his arm and stood right before him.
Me: Hector Nkosi.

He brought his eyebrows together with both

his eyes squeezed together, signifying
confusion.
Me: I am looking for Hector Nkosi. I think
he was admitted this morning.
Dr: Did you go to the reception area?
Me: I did, multiple times but there’s no one
there.
Dr: Please wait here, I’ll be right back.

I nodded, while taking deep breaths, whilst

running my hands through my thighs. That’s
what I do when I’m too anxious. I patiently
waited for him but it looked like he was
taking forever.

After a while, he came back.

Dr: Are you family?
Me: Uh, something like that.
Dr: Are you family sir?
Me: Yes.
Dr: Alright, follow me.

I followed him and we took the lift. It was

all quiet the whole way and honestly, I
wasn’t interested in trying to build a
conversation with this guy. My only worry
was Mr Nkosi. When we reached Ward 27,
he directed me to where Mr Nkosi was
located.

I hurriedly headed there. I passed a few

rooms until I reached his. I made my way in
and there he was, lying on top of the bed. He
looked so lifeless, with some breathing pipe
inserted in his mouth. I was relieved and sad
at the same time. I was relieved that I found
him but I also hated seeing him like that.
Unexpectedly, two females and one male
made their way in. It was a lady that looked
like she was still in her early 40’s and a girl
that looked like Khethi's age but maybe in
varsity. The guy, he looked like he was in
his early 30’s.
Lady: Nkosi yami, umyeni wami. ( Oh my
God, my husband.)

She looked at Mr Nkosi with her eyes

already looking teary, and kissed his
forehead.
Guy: And who are you?
Me: I work for Mr Nkosi.
Guy: So what are you doing here if you are
just an employee?
Girl: Mbuso, stop it tuu.
She looked at me.
Girl: Please don’t mind him, he’s always
like this.
Maybe coming here wasn’t a very good idea
but I did not regret coming here. Not even a
bit.
Lady: Thank you but you can excuse us
now.
Me: With all due respect, I am not going
anywhere. Not until Mr Nkosi wakes up.
Girl: Ma, what’s popping with you and
Mbuso? Stop being mean, it’s not cute.

Mr Nkosi tilted his head a bit before opening

his eyes.
Lady: Myeni wami.(My husband.)
Girl: Baba, it’s us.
They both looked so relieved and happy to
notice that he was actually awake. He
removed the pipe that was inserted in his
mouth. Mbuso on the other side was out
here giving me weird looks. It still shocks
me knowing that Mr Nkosi has a family. He
has never mentioned that fact before.

Mr Nkosi lifted up his head a bit and

scanned the whole room. When he landed
his eyes on me, he showed his white,
charming smile, a smile that I was so
familiar with, his smile.
Mr Nkosi: Qaza.
Me: Bab Nkosi.
Mr Nkosi: Uphi uMbuso?(Where is
Mbuso?)
Girl: Ukhona baba.(He’s here Dad.)

He was still standing by the door, with his

arms folded this time. He was still at it,
giving me weird looks. He walked slowly to
the bed so that his father could see him.
Mbuso: Usithusile Baba.( You scared us
Dad.)
Nkosi: I wasn’t expecting this too.
Mbuso: Do you have any idea about who
could possibly do something so inhumane?
Nkosi: Someone wants to see me dead,
that’s what I know.
Girl: Mina baba I’m just glad to see that
you’re awake.
Nkosi: That’s what matters ndodakazi.(my
daughter.)
Maybe my presence was starting to be a bit
purposeless. Mr Nkosi saw that I came and
nonetheless, he was awake.
Me: Bab Nkosi, I’m glad to see that you are
awake but now it’s my cue to leave.
Nkosi: And you are not going anywhere.
You are my family Qaza.

Mbuso just walked out.

Girl: Let’s give them some space Ma.

She took her mother's hand and they also

headed out. Do you know that feeling when
everything is just occupying everything,
when there’s no air and it is just extremely
hot? But then you decide to let in some fresh
air, maybe by opening the windows, or the
door and then more fresh air makes it’s way
in. That’s how I felt. His family was just
occupying the whole space but with them
walking out, I felt so comfortable and free.

I decided to take a seat next to him.

Nkosi: I’m glad that you came.
Me: Mind you, I didn’t even take a shower.
When I heard that you were admitted in
hospital, I hurriedly made my way here.
Nkosi: News do travel fast.
Me: Yeah.

He sat up straight and I placed the pillow

behind him so that he could be a bit
comfortable.
Me: Don’t you want something to eat?
Nkosi: I’ll see food later, we need to talk
about far more serious stuff.
Me: Okay.

I sat down and looked at him.

Nkosi: As you can see Qaza, people want to
see me dead. Life is too short and I have a
company that I’m running. Lungile is still
doing her first year in varsity .
Me: Lungile?
Nkosi: My daughter that was just here not so
long ago.
Me: Oh.
Nkosi: Mbuso has his own life and wants
nothing to do with the company. Not to even
mention my wife, she knows nothing about
business.
I just nodded because that is what I could
possibly do.
Nkosi: I wasn’t planning on telling you this
now but I’m afraid I have to.
Me: You’re scaring me.
Nkosi: I am your father.
Me: Of course Mr Nkosi. In you, I found
myself a father.
Nkosi: Qaza.
Me: Yes?
Nkosi: Your biological father, I am your
biological father.
I paused for a while, not even sure about
how I should actually answer to that.
Me: What do you mean?
Nkosi: Your mother and I used to be in love
a very long time ago. I had just gotten
married to Noluthando, my present wife. I
tried by all means to be in your life but your
mother kept me away from you.
Me: What?
Nkosi: Go to my office. Where my financial
statements are kept, underneath all of that,
you will find something.

Lungile and her mother came back.

Lungile: We are back. Qaza, would you like
some coffee?

I was still lost, completely confused. Hector

Nkosi was my father? Holy crap.
Insert 17

Presently, I was in hot water. I really didn’t

want to believe that Mr Nkosi is actually my
dad. How does he even know my mother?
Was all of this some game to him?
Lungile: Qaza, would you like some coffee?

I looked at her, followed with her mother

and her father. A whole family. Seeing this
picture of them being a very happy family,
was like a picture that painted a thousand
words. I couldn’t withstand all the pressure
no more, I just walked out.
I headed out and I noticed that Lungile was
running behind me.
Lungile: Please wait.

I paused and faced the floor before she came

and stood right before me.
Lungile: I’m really sorry. Don’t mind Ma
and Mbuso pl-
Me: This isn’t about them. Your father is in
that room and he needs you. Now go back.
Lungile: O-kay.

I just left her there and headed to my car.

NYONI

I’ve been up for an hour or so and still not a

sign from Qaza. I was really starting to get
worried. Just as I was about to call him
again, he made his way in. Solace.

Me: Q, I’ve been trying to call you.

Ubuyaphi?(Where are you from?)
Qaza: Ngiyaxolisa Nyoni, I had no idea that
I had to report about my whereabouts to
you. (I’m sorry Nyoni)
Me: Angizwa? (Excuse me?)
He looked at me and then faced the floor. He
came towards me and held my shoulders
before planting a kiss on my forehead.
Qaza: I am really sorry, I just have a lot
going on. I need to fetch my other clothes at
home so before I do that, let me drop you off
first.
Me: It’s fine, I’ll call an uber.
Qaza: Nyoni, please get dressed so that I can
drop you off. Let me go and take a shower.

He left me just like that. I really wonder

what made him sulk so much.

SAMANTHA
I was fast asleep when I heard a very loud
knock coming from my door. Hungover was
having me at chokehold. I had too much
vodka and wine yesterday.
My head was extremely heavy. The knock
continued and it was so infuriating. I had no
other choice but to drag myself to that door
and unlock it.

I wasn’t so surprised to see Phakeme in my

door step. I just unlocked the burglar and I
let him in.
Me: I don’t have the energy to argue with
you today. Say what you want to say then
make your way out.
Phakeme: You called me about a hundred
times yesterday.
Me: It was a mistake, you can go now.
Phakeme: Sesikhuluma kanjalo? (Is that
how we talk?)
Me: Phakeme, you are not my dad. And I
will talk to you anyhow. Now get out.
Phakeme: Sweetheart, yin-
Me: Cut! I'm not your sweetheart. Phakeme
I am tired of you and your games. I'm tired
of being played and used by you.
Phakeme: I'm using you?
Me: Oh, you didn’t know that you are
actually using me? You are out here
pretending as if you give a shit about me
while you are fucking my friend behind my
back!
Phakeme: Usuyabheda-ke manje. Why the
hell would I sleep with my little sister? (You
are going astray now.)
Me: I’m not talking about Nyoni, I am
talking about Bontle.
Phakeme: What?
Me: You heard me.

He placed his car keys on the counter before

putting both his hands in the pockets of his
hoodie.
Me: My whole life, no one has ever cared
about me Phakeme. Not even my own
mother, no one. People see me smiling, they
notice this energetic, bubbly girl that is
always smiling. The sweet girl. Maybe that’s
what gives people the right to take my
kindness as an advantage.
Phakeme: That’s not true.
Me: It is true! That’s why you are dating
Bontle right?
Phakeme: We are not dating and I wouldn’t
have done that if I knew that you guys are
friends.

I just sat on the sofa and started crying. My

words started sinking in, no one has ever
cared about me.

Phakeme came and sat next to me. His

presence was just heavy and I really needed
him to go. I needed to be alone.
Me: Phakeme, just leave.
Phakeme: Sweetheart, look at me.

I tried wiping my tears but more tears were

just making their way down. He took my
face and wiped my tears using his thumps.
Phakeme: Sam, I care about you. I love you.
My thing with Bontle is just so complicated
but we are not dating. I promise to
completely cut ties with her and focus on me
and you. I won’t keep you as a secret and
today I want to tell Nyoni about us.
Me: You can’t do that, Bontle is my friend.
Phakeme: We will figure it out together. I
love you Samantha and I want to start
showing you that.

He brought his face closer and we started

kissing. He was kissing me very slowly, so
passionately, with nothing but love. His
strong hands knew very well how to handle
my body and before I knew it, all my clothes
were already on the floor.
QAZA

I just dropped Nyoni off her house. I was

going to fetch my clothes later. I had to go
to work and actually look for something that
apparently is under the financial statements.
What if Mr Nkosi's PA took it by mistake?
What was this thing?

Those are the questions I kept on asking

myself on my way to the office. When I got
there, I went straight to Mr Nkosi's office.

Luckily, it wasn’t locked. I went straight to

where the financial statements are precisely
located. I took all of them out and
underneath was a docket labelled “QAZA
K”.
I opened the docket and inside was some
document. I took it out and read it. There
was my name on top along with Mr Nkosi's
full name. The Probability of Paternity was a
ninety nine comma zero percent.

“The results indicate that the alleged father

is the biological father of the child”. A
fucken DNA test.

Insert 18

Nyoni

I wonder what the hell happened because

that guy called my boyfriend was definitely
not himself when he dropped me off
yesterday. Anyway, it’s a new day, new
vibes and we push. In this journey of life,
you push. Tomorrow is my birthday and I
don’t know if I should be excited or not. Sis
is turning twenty five. This thing of me
growing up, does not sit well with me. The
more you grow, the more problems you
experience and the more you see through
people, you just learn.
I pull myself out of these blankies and I
head to the bathroom to brush my teeth and
just to freshen myself up. I head to the
kitchen and wow, my eyes start doing some
fireballs. It can’t be, I must be seeing my
own things. Amahle and Ntuthuko? Amahle
our housekeeper? I find the two of them in
the kitchen out here kissing each other.
I pass them as if they are invisible and I
head to the tap to pour myself some water.
Ntuthu: Nyoni.
Me: Ntuthu.

I swallow down the water all at once.

Ntuthu: You didn’t see anything, angisho?
(right?)

I chuckle before responding to it.

Me: I don’t know.
Ntuthu: Nyoni I swear, if you say anything
to...
Me: That’s your worry? If I was you I would
be worried about Sipho Ndlovu, your father
Ntuthu not me. If he does find out, yoh I feel
sorry for you all. One of you will be
unemployed with no family to take care of,
then the other one... But do you guys.

I leave them there and I head to my father’s

study room. This man has been ignoring me
for weeks. Well, all of that ends today. I
make my way in and I find him lying on the
floor. I rush to him and I kneel on the floor
to shake him. Nothing. No movement or
anything, just nothing.

I call for help and Ntuthu and Amahle make

their way in hurriedly. This old man better
not be dying. Not now.
Qaza

Today I decided to pay my mother a visit. I

need some answers from her. I make my
way inside the yard with my car and she
makes her way out of the house. I exit the
car and she approaches me with one of her
warmest hugs.
Ma: Qaza ka mama.
Me: Ma.

She takes my hand and we make our way

inside the house. She plugs the kettle and
takes out cups from the cardboard. I take a
seat on one of the chairs placed in the
kitchen.
Ma: Unjani? (How are you?)
Me: Ngiyaphila ma. (I’m okay ma.)
Ma: How’s work?
Me: Work is work.

She looks at me for some time and smiles.

Ma: You do know that no one knows you
like I do.
Me: Yeah.
Ma: Then what’s wrong? Is it about Letho?
Me: No ma, I know Letho is in good hands
with you.
Ma: Then is it about Nyoni?

I take a deep breath because I am about to

ask a very huge question.
Me: Do you know Hector Nkosi?

She pauses for a second and continues

making tea for the both of us. That pause,
said a lot of things.
Ma: Uban loyo? (Who’s that?)
Me: My father.

She drops the cup that she was holding and

it breaks. I rush to her and I pick up the
broken pieces of the cup. I place them on the
sink and I fetch a broom. She stands there
with tears and steaming down her cheeks. I
sweep away the broken pieces of the cup.
Ma: Awuthi ngiyocambalala. (Let me go
and get some rest)
Me: No ma, I need answers about my father.
I don’t know how but this lady called my
mother slaps me.
Ma: You mention that name again, in my
house, you are dead to me Qaza.

She leaves me there and heads to her

bedroom. What just happened?

Nyoni

I haven’t stopped crying since then. I have

been watching him since this morning and
it’s now 6pm and I can’t stop my tears from
streaming down. We were able to call our
personal doctor and he said that ubaba will
be fine, he just needs to get some rest.
Amahle makes her way in with scones and
tea in a tray.
Amahle: Sis Nyoni.
Me: Can you stop calling me that? Nyoni is
just fine.

I wipe the tears from my eyes.

Amahle: Ngiyaxolisa. (I’m sorry)

She places the tray on top of the table. I

can’t take my eyes off this man lying in this
bed, this man called my father. I know the
doctor said that he’ll get better but to me he
just looks lifeless.
Amahle: He will be fine. He won’t die just
yet. He can’t die without telling you the
whole truth.

I take my eyes away from my father and I

look at Amahle.
Me: What did you say?
Amahle: Ngine sipho. Ngiyakwazi ukubona
izinto ezenzeka kudala, nezizokwenzeka.
Isipho engasithola kugogo wami. (I have a
gift. I can see things that happened and the
things that are going to wake up. It’s a gift
that I got from my grandmother)
Me: Okay ke sisi wezipho, awusho
uyisangoma? (Okay Mrs gift, are you a
traditional healer?)
Amahle: No, but I have a gift and I can see
things.
Me: Is he going to wake up?
Amahle: Yes, he needs to.
Me: I know girls like you Amahle. What
exactly are you trying to do?
Amahle: Nothing. I am trying to do nothing.

She walks out. What the hell bazalwane?

Insert 19

So it happened that I slept in the same room

as my father. I was watching him the whole
night and it happened that I fell asleep.
When I wake up, I find him awake and
smiling. I don’t know why he’s smiling but I
also smile. I smile at the fact that he’s
awake.
Baba: Kuzalwa bani namhlanje? (Whose
birthday is it today?)

I even forgot that today’s my birthday. It’s a

lot shem.
Me: Ndodakazi kababa. (My father’s
daughter)

He hugs me and wishes me a happy

birthday.
Me: When did you wake up?
Baba: Not so long ago.
Me: You scared us baba.
Baba: Your father is a soldier, I won’t just
die. I’m like a cat, I got nine lives.
Me: That’s not funny.

But we both end up laughing.

Me: Baba, I am sorry...

He stops me before I even get a chance to

finish my sentence.
Baba: No, I am sorry my child. You see, I
felt too guilty after that Ntsika saga. You
told me that you didn’t want to get married
but I forced you and sent you straight to hell.
Me: Baba, I’m passed that. Let’s focus on
the future, siyeke ezak’dala. (And forget
about the past)
Baba: Ngiyakuthanda. (I love you.)
Me: Uthandwa yimi baba (I love you too)
My mother makes her way in with
Samantha, holding a birthday cake with
candles lighted. They both sing me a happy
birthday song and ubaba joins them.
Samantha: Make a wish.

I close my eyes and I wish for happiness in

my life. I blow the candles right after
making that wish.
Ma: Happy birthday sweetheart.

I stand up to give her a hug.

Me: Ngiyabonga ma.
Samantha: You getting old, ew.

I hit her shoulder then we both laugh.

Samantha: Happy haps!
We both hug.
Ma: Samantha wanted you guys to go out
today.
Me: Oh.

My mother and Samantha both give me a

very weird look.
Me: I mean yes.

They both smile.

Me: What time is it?
Samantha: It’s eight.
Me: Eight in the morning? Hay ngeke it’s
too early, I need to get some rest.
Samantha: No sisi, we are going out.
Me: My sleep matters. That’s what my
therapist said.
Samantha: You have a lifetime of getting
some sleep Nyoni, asambe. (let’s go)
Ma: I agree with her.
Baba: Me too.
Me: I guess I’m out voted then.

They all laugh at me.

Qaza
I crashed at my mom’s last night. I wanted
to be the one taking Letho to school today.
By six, I was already up. I made breakfast
for everyone. My mom was not her normal
self. I guess what I said to her yesterday
really triggered her.

Anyway, I dropped Khethi off at her school

and Letho at her school too. She was so
excited to be dropped off by me. She
couldn’t stop telling her friends that I
dropped her off. I headed back home to get
ready for work. After freshening up, I
headed back to the house to tell my mother
that I was going to work. She was in the
kitchen doing the dishes.
Me: Ma, sengiyahamba. (Mom, I’m now
leaving)
She didn’t even look at me or even say
anything, she just continued with what she
was doing.
Me: Hawu ma.
Ma: Yini Qaza? (What is it Qaza?).
Me: Ma ngiyaxolisa kakhulu ngendaba
yayizolo kodwa nami kufanele ngilazi
iqiniso. (Mom, I’m so sorry about yesterday
but I deserve to know the truth)
Ma: Yin ndaba ungayi uyobuza uyihlo
wakho? (Why don’t you go and ask your
father?)
Me: That’s not fair ma.
Ma: What’s not fair? With the knowledge
that I have and last time I checked, you
didn’t have a father. You get a job and now
you’re interested about knowing about your
father? Good luck mfana wam kodwa le,
sizoyicela ivuthiwe. (Good luck my boy but
this, we will see it’s results afterwards)
Me: Ma please, can we sit down and talk
about this like normal human beings.

She continues with what she’s doing, dishes.

Me: Ma.

She gives me a deadly stare before taking a

seat. I join her.
Ma: Buza. (Ask.)
Me: Is Hector really my father?
Ma: It depends.
Me: So he is my father?
Ma: That man was not present in your life
for twenty six years Qaza, and now that he’s
interested in being your life, he’s your
father?
Me: It’s not like that.
Ma: I struggled so much raising you and
Khethi, and he was never there. Where was
he? With his real family. Mfanam, you don’t
fit in his life and you never will. Me, you
and Khethi were never enough for him, what
makes you think that we will be enough
now?

That question leaves me asking myself a lot

of questions. Dammit.
Insert 20

Nyoni

Samantha went from the spa, to shopping,

from shopping to watching movies, from
movies to going to Gold Reef City for some
rides. I was too tired yoh. I’ve been waiting
for Qaza to text me or call me wishing me a
happy birthday. But dololo. I decide to call
him and he doesn’t pick it up. I guess he’s
too busy that he even forgot my birthday.

My driver drives me and Samantha back to

my house. My stomach is too full and I am
extremely tired but yes, my bestie and I did
have a lot of fun. She just didn’t allow me to
have alcohol, pooper. We make our way
inside the yard and this other car is parked
outside our house.
Me: Imoto kabani le. (Whose car is this?)
Samantha: Your mother’s friend maybe.
Me: Both my parents don’t have friends.
Samantha: That’s too sad.

We got out of the car and we head inside the

house.
“Suprise!”

Everyone says aloud. They all start singing

me a happy birthday song. The whole house
is decorated with balloons and everything.
My mom and dad are obviously there. My
brothers are also there, Bontle, Qaza and his
friend Zweli are there, even Qaza’s little
sister is there. My eyes fill up with tears
because honestly, I wasn’t expecting this.
Me: Thank you guys.

My voice cracks and everyone says “aaww”.

Bontle approaches me with a hug.
Shaka: Alright, can we party?
Samantha: Yay!
They switch on the music. Qaza comes to
me and smiles.
Qaza: Happy birthday sthandwa sami.
(Happy birthday my love.)
Me: I thought you forgot my birthday yazi.
Qaza: I would never, even if I wanted to.

He kisses my cheek.
Baba: Alright, can we all have dinner first
before partying.

Shaka lowers the music but not completely.

We all sit on the dining table that fits us all.
I take a seat in front of Qaza.
Baba: Thank you to everyone that took their
time to come and spend a night with my
favourite daughter. Samantha, you did a
great job keeping her busy throughout the
day.

We all laugh.
Baba: And Bontle, you really helped with
preparing everything. You should be an
event planner man, you’re good at this.
Bontle: Kea leboga Pa. (Thank you sir)
Baba: And to my lovely daughter, happy
birthday.
He hands me some papers.
Me: What’s this?
Baba: The law firm. I invested some money
in helping you build your dream law firm.

What? No ways. Is he being for real?

Me: Are you serious?
Baba: Yes.

I stand up to go and hug him.

Me: You have no idea how I’m feeling right
now. Thank you baba.
Baba: You are more than welcome.
Shaka: To Nyoni!

He raises his glass filled with wine up in the

air.
Everyone: To Nyoni.
Phakeme clears his throat.
Phakeme: Happy birthday Nyoni. You
know, you will always be my baby sister.
So, I bought you a box filled with sweets.
It’s in your room.
Everyone laughs at me.
Me: Wow.
Phakeme: And I also wanted to announce
something. I am seeing someone.
Ntuthu: Who’s the unlucky woman?

We all laugh.
Phakeme: One, she’s not unlucky. Two,
she’s with us presently.
Ma: Presently?
Phakeme: Samantha.
Ntuthu: Samantha?
Bontle: Samantha?
Me: Bhut wam, quit making jokes, they’re
not funny. (My brother)
Phakeme: I’m serious and I want to marry
her.
Bontle: Eng? (Ini?)
Me: Kanti aren’t you in a relationship with
Bontle?
Phakeme: Never have.

I look at Samantha and she’s looking down.

Me: Sam, is this true? You’ve been fucking
my older brother all this time?
Ntuthu: NoBontle ukhona kuleyo list?
(Bontle is also on the list?)
Phakeme: Bontle you know our thing was
never serious.

Bontle: Wa reng? (What are you saying?)

She stands up.
Bontle: Ontlwaela masepa. (You’re full of
shit)

She takes out her heels and throws them at

Phakeme. One glass breaks.
Phakeme: Can you stop acting psychotic?
Bontle: Fusek Phakeme.
Samantha: Bontle, can you just calm down?
Bontle: Who are you to tell me to calm
down?
Samantha: I know that..

Before she even finishes talking, Bontle

pours her with wine. I don’t know when and
now Sam stood up and she was already
beating Bontle up. Qaza and Zweli both
stood up to separate them. Phakeme also
stood up and held Bontle.
Bontle: O se ka wa ntshwara wena. (Don’t
touch me)
Phakeme: I’m taking you home, asambe.
(Let’s go)

He dragged her outside anyway. Wow, what

a way to celebrate my 25th birthday bahlali.
Insert 21

Bontle

Wow. Just wow. That’s the only thing that I

can say presently. I’m so speechless, so
powerless. What am I even doing in his car?
We finally reach the destination which is by
my complex. He parks the car near my
apartment.
Phakeme: Bontle, I am-
Me: Don’t.

I unbuckle the seat belt and go out of the

car, holding both my heels. Phakeme also
goes out the car and he blocks my way.
Me: Keng? (What?)
Phakeme: Ngi batla ukuthi ngiyaxolisa. (I
wanted to say I’m sorry).
Me: And you think mixing your Zulu with
seTswana will make it a bit cute? Phakeme,
I’m pregnant and I was a fool thinking that
we were going to raise this baby together.
Phakeme: You what?
Me: You what?

I take out the pregnancy test from my bag

that I was meaning to show him tonight but
birthday dinner went wrong. I throw him
with the pregnancy test.
Me: Keep it, maybe it’ll give you solace.

I walk away, leaving him staring at the

pregnancy test. I pause before I continue
walking away.
Me: Oh and I uuhm, I’m no longer keeping
the baby.

He runs to me.
Phakeme: You can’t do that, you don’t have
the right to do that.
Me: I do have a right and I said what I said.
Just walk away and make a baby with your
new wife since she means everything to you
and I meant nothing.
Phakeme: Bontle-
Me: Fusek.

I leave him standing there and I head to my

apartment. When I get inside, the first thing
that I do is cry. I cry so bad. It hurts.
Nyoni

I was so disappointed with how things

turned out. Qaza, Zweli and Khethi left.
Amahle, Samantha and I were clearing up
everything, doing the dishes and everything.
We didn’t even eat but I dished up for Qaza,
Zweli and Khethi before they left. After
cleaning with silence, I said goodnight to
Amahle before heading to my room but Sam
stopped me.
Samantha: You’re not saying goodnight to
me?
Me: Is that a must? Hamba ekhaya sisi, it’s
getting late. (Go home)
Sam: So, I’m the bad guy here.
Me: Paint yourself as one, would really suit
you.
Sam: Really?
Me: Yeah or what? You are going to beat
me the hell up too?
Sam: That’s not fair.
Me: What’s fair? Calling yourself my sister
then fucking my brother? Fucking your
friend’s man? Isn’t Bontle your friend Sam?
Better keep Qaza away from you because
we never know.
Sam: That’s enough Nyoni.
Me: I don’t know who I’m staring at
presently. Who the hell are you? And don’t
text me, stay away from me for as long as
you can.
I walk into my bedroom and I throw myself
on top of the bed. Phew.

Amahle

So much drama took place tonight. I wasn’t

expecting things to unfold the way they did.
So, I’m twenty three years old of age and I
stay with two of my younger siblings, Thabo
and Tumi. Thabo is a boy and he’s ten then
Tumi is a girl and she’s eight. Well, my
mother abandoned us years ago when I was
like sixteen. My grandmother took care of us
but she felt very sick and passed away. I had
no other choice but I had to be a mother to
these kids. Thank God, my best friend
Gatsha never left my side. In the time when
me and these kids struggled, he was already
working for his uncle and he would buy us
food and groceries and even take us out
sometimes. In him, I found myself a brother.

Ntuthu dropped me off and honestly, I don’t

even know what’s going on between us. I
like him and he’s a really good guy but I am
not really looking for someone presently. I
just wanna get this degree over and done
with and secure a better future for these
kids.

I make my way inside the house and Thabo,

Tumi and Gatsha, are watching a movie.
They didn’t run for me today like they
usually do.
Me: Hi guys.
They all keep quiet and focus on the TV.
Someone from the TV says the f-word and
it’s cartoons. I grab the remote and I switch
the TV off. They all look at me.
Me: Hi guys.
Gatsha: Did you really have to switch off the
TV?
Me: I’ve been saying hi but zero response.
And there was some swearing there, had to
switch that off.

Tumi stands up to give me a hug. I kiss her

forehead.
Me: Did you guys eat?
Thabo: Gatsha bought us kotas.
Me: Oh. Time to sleep buddies, it’s already
nine.
Tumi: The movie?
Me: You’ll watch it in dreamland.
Thabo: Sis Mahle please.
Me: Stand up guys, I’m not asking you.
Thabo: Goodnight Gatsha, you’ll tell me
about the ending tomorrow.
Tumi: Isn’t it Gatsha’s turn to read us the
bedtime story tonight?
Gatsha: Oh yeah.

He instantly stands up and he tucks them in

their bed. He takes a chair and reads them a
bedtime story. Tumi demands for more
stories but she doesn’t when it’s me.
Apparently, Gatsha can change voices for
different characters and I can’t. Offense
taken. Anyway, Gatsha reads for them and
twenty minutes in, they are fast asleep.

Me: Tumi better ask me to read again

tomorrow when it’s my turn or I will be
jealous.

Gatsha laughs at me.

Gatsha: Wow.
Me: Would you like some tea?
Gatsha: Nuh, I’m heading out.
Me: Oh. Let me walk you out.

We both walked out.

Gatsha: Oh um, Sis Tiny says she can no
longer look after Thabo and Tumi after
school.
Me: What?
Gatsha: She’s saying today was the last
time.
Me: Why? Ngiyambhadala nje. (I pay her
tho)
Gatsha: Same thing I told her.
Me: Holy flippin, and I have work
tomorrow.
Gatsha: I will figure this out, okay?
Me: No need Gatsha. You already have a lot
on your plate.
Gatsha: Plate or no plate, I will figure it out.
I smile and I give him a hug afterwards. I’m
really lucky to have him in my life.
Gatsha: Someone always drops you off
lately.
Me: Drops me off?
Gatsha: Yeah, blue car.
Me: Oh, it’s a friend.
Gatsha: A friend?
Me: Yeah, just a friend.
Gatsha: I will see you tomorrow morning,
friend.
Me: Very sarcastic.

He winks at me before getting inside his

taxi. Well, he owns a taxi because his uncle
runs a taxi business and he works for him.
I lock the gate and I walk back to the house.
I check my messages and I get one from an
unknown number.

“better stay away from my man if you still

need those ugly rats called your siblings in
your life. Ntuthu is mine, mine only”.

And then?
Insert 22

Who on earth wrote that? And how did they

know about my relationship with Ntuthuko,
not to even mention this person knowing my
siblings. Something really is up. I go out of
the blankets and I take a bath before running
some water for these kids and making
breakfast for them. They both prepare for
school and we all have breakfast together.
We pray together before leaving the house.
Well every morning I walk with them to
their school because it’s near where I catch a
taxi to work. When we head out, I see a blue
car parked outside our house. It can only be
Ntuthuko. I pretend as if I cannot see him
and I continue walking with these kids.
Speaking of them, I have no one who can
babysit them for me after school. It’s a lot
yazi.
Ntuthu steps out of the car and follows us.
Ntuthu: Mahle.

He stands before us.

Thabo: Ubani lona Sis Mahle? (Who is this
Sis Mahle?)
Ntuthuko: Your new brother or should I say
uncle in law, I don’t know.

Both Thabo and Tumi start giggling.

Me: And then nina? What’s so funny?
Tumi: New uncle is funny.
Me: This is Mr Ntuthuko Ndlovu, my boss.
What can I do for you sir? Am I in trouble?
Ntuthu: What?
Me: Mimi and Bobo, you guys can keep
walking. I’ll be right behind you.
Ntuthu: I can give you all a lift.
Thabo: Please New Uncle.
Me: Thabo.

I give him a deadly stare. He just shrugs his

shoulders before him and Tumi start walking
away.
Ntuthu: Is everything okay? Did I do
something wrong?
Me: No but you can do a both of us a favour
and just stay away from me.
Ntuthu: What?
Me: I can’t have people threatening me and
involving my siblings in this just because of
the fact that I like you. Never bhuti. Move
out of my way. (brother)
Ntuthu: Who’s threatening you?

He clenches his fists and I can tell that he’s

really mad.
Me: I don’t know, one of your girlfriends
maybe.
Ntuthu: I don’t have any girlfriend.
Me: Asazi Ntuthu but what I know is that I
am not willing to risk my life just like that
merely in the name of love. I’m all these
kids have. I have school, on the other side I
don’t have anyone to babysit them this
afternoon, it’s a lot. So please, just stay
away from me. (We don’t know Ntuthu. )
Ntuthu: In your dreams Mahle. I’m not
staying away from you because I love you.
And who the hell threatened you? What
happened?

I take out my phone from my bag and I

show him the message.
Me: You see?
Ntuthu: I will deal with this.
Me: No need to because all of this is over.

I leave him standing there and I follow these

kids.

Samantha
I’ve been trying to call Phakeme but he
wasn’t answering my calls. He left since last
night with Bontle. Only God knows what
they were up to. I spent the night at Nyoni’s
house because I had no one to take me to my
place last night. I woke early and helped
Amahle with some breakfast. Everyone
came downstairs to have breakfast.
MaNdlovu: Kwaze kwanconsisa amathi
lokudla. (This food is mouth watering)
BabNdlovu: I agree.
Amahle: Samantha is the one that prepared
this food. I just helped her out.
MaNdlovu: Awww Sam, very sweet of you
my daughter.

Nyoni just chuckles and continues eating.

Nyoni: I have a few things to sort out today.
Enjoy the food so long. I don’t want to
continue eating then I end up getting sick. I
die them boom, Ms Chef gets married to
Qaza.
Bab’Ndlovu: Nyonisile, that’s enough. We
all make mistakes and we learn from. Just
like how you got drunk and bumped over a
man with his daughter. A man that turns out
to be your boyfriend today. So enough!
Shaka: True. You have been too rude.

She just stands up and heads out with her car

keys. It’s confirmed, she hates me.

After eating, I help with clearing up and I

check the time and it’s ready eight. I’m late
for work. Amahle walks me outside. She is
such a sweet soul.
Me: Thanks for being good to me.
Amahle: Of course. Stop blaming yourself.
Me: I wish I could but I can’t.

Tears just stream down my face.

Amahle: Aw Sam, don’t cry.

She gives me a hug and wipes my tears.

Amahle: What happened last night, was
bound to happen. It’s no one’s fault. Just let
things be and forgive yourself. Pray. Pray
harder sisi. In times like this, we hold onto
God very tight because he is our only
rescuer. And the dreams that you have been
having, they mean something.
Me: What?

How does she know about my dreams?

Well, I’ve been having very weird dreams
lately about the river, drowning in the river
and snakes.
Me: How do you know about my dreams?
Amahle: I am gifted.. My purpose is to tell
people about their sins and their future.
Well, I serve God not the underground gang,
lol. But your ancestors are extremely mad at
you. They want you to do something,
something that your mother refused to do.
That is why your brother is having heart
problems. And they will get worse if you do
not take action. Pray sisi.
She smiles at me before walking away.
What?

Ntuthuko

Who could’ve wrote that to Amahle? I have

too many exes and I can’t have one of them
being a threat in my relationship with
Amahle. I really love Amahle. In a way, she
makes me feel different. Even though she’s
always ranting about God, I’m learning
honestly and for the very first time,
yesterday I prayed. I don’t know how but I
did. Anyway, I got to fix this mess with
Amahle.
I head to the office to sort a few things out
about who we taking out this week. Yes,
that’s how me and my family make money,
we take out people and we put the logistics
company up front as a cover. At the parking
lot, I meet Shaka. We do our handshake then
we both head inside. We see that there’s
some riot going on between our PA whose
name is Clotilda and one of our clients.
Clotilda: Sir can you please leave our
premises before I call the security.
Him: I’m not going anywhere.

He looks our way and comes towards us.

Him: You sons of-
Me: Don’t. You come here and you cause a
riot like that again, I will cut your leg and
shove it down your throat. Now act like a
normal human being, and follow me to my
office. Everyone, back to work!

I ordered everyone back to work because

now all eyes were on us.
Shaka: Now I got some real business to take
care of brother, later.

Shaka is the one in charge of the logistic

company and Phakeme and I take care of
our other unknown business. This man
follows me to my office and I close the door
behind us. I take a seat and I swing a bit in it
before cracking a few of my finger bones.
That helps me relax.
Me: What is it?
Him: I gave you an order to take out Hector
Nkosi but turns out, he’s still alive.
Me: There has to be some misunderstanding.
Him: Yes, most definitely. I need you to
take care of that. I want him dead this time.
Me: Money talks.
Him: What? I paid you guys half a million
last time.
Me: Pay it again.
Him: Nonsense.
Me: Go and find someone else to do that for
you then. We don’t take out people for free.
And you should know better. No one, I
mean no one does a clean job like we do.
But you’re more than welcome to choose
otherwise. Close the door on your way out.
Him: Fine. I will pay you once the job is
done.
Me: No.
Him: I will pay half of the money before the
job and the rest after. That’s fair enough.
Me: Alright.
Him: Same bank details?
Me: Yeah. And what’s your deal with
Hector?
Him: And that’s for me to know.

He heads out. I take out my laptop and I sort

out a few things. 12pm hits and I give
Amahle a call. It sends me to voicemail.
That’s when I remember what she said about
her siblings not having a babysitter today. I
have to do something as a way of saying
sorry to her for that text, I guess.
I rush out and I head to Soweto, where she
stays. I search on Google maps the list of
primary schools around that area and it’s
only one school, Khethokuhle Primary
School. I head there and the security guard
directs me to the office.
When I get there, I find two admin ladies
and I greet them.
Me: Uh, I’m looking for two kids.
Her: Two kids?
Me: Yeah, their surname is Shabangu.

Shabangu is Mahle’s surname so I’m hoping

it’s their surname too.
Her: Name and surname.

Shit, I don’t know their names. I heard one’s

name this morning and thank God it comes
to my mind.
Me: Thabo Shabangu.
Her: The other one?
Me: Thabo’s sister.
Her: Her name sir.
Me: Do you mind calling Thabo for me?

She rolls her eyes and browses through her

computer before heading out. After a few
minutes, she comes back with Thabo.
Thabo: New uncle.

He runs for me and gives me a hug.

Thabo: What are you doing here?
Me: I’m here to fetch you and your sister.
Thabo: Why?
Me: I want to take you guys out. It’s a
Friday.
Thabo: Yay!
Me: Where’s your sister?
Thabo: She’s in class.

I look over the lady and her noses are so

flared.
Me: I’m here to fetch Thabo and..
Thabo: Tumi.
Me: And Tumi.
Her: Thabo, do you know this man?
Thabo: Yes, I know New Uncle.
Her: I can't let you take them without the
permission of their guardian. And you can
only take them only if it’s emergency.
Me: She knows.
Her: Let me confirm.

I take out a few bucks from wallet and hand

her.
Me: She knows.
Thabo: Is that for our school trip?
Me: Uh-yeah.
Thabo: Yay! Sis Mahle didn’t have enough
money to pay for the trip.
Me: Well, New Uncle to the rescue!

I didn’t even know that they had a school

trip. The aim was to bribe the lady so minus
one problem. She takes the money.
Her: Let me go and fetch Tumi Shabangu.
I smile. She goes out with Thabo and they
all come back with their bags.
Tumi: Are you taking us out New Uncle?
Me: Of course. Are you guys ready?
Both: Yay!

I take both their hands and we head out.

After getting inside the car, I wear my
shades and Tumi asks for some shades too. I
give her my black shades even though they
look a bit bigger on her. I buckle their seat
belts and put on some music. Where to now?
Insert 23

Phakeme

Same mess, different day. There’s no way

Bontle is aborting this baby. Not with me
still existing. I’ve been parking at her place
since last time, I even dozed off. I check the
time and it’s already 8am. She must’ve left
now, shit. I get out of the car and I run to her
apartment. I won’t forgive myself if it
happens that Bontle really went out while I
was sleeping in that damn car. I knock on
her door. I slam the door multiple times
while calling out for her. No answer. I knock
again and some guy opens the door.
Extremely tall, light skinned and skinny.
And he’s ugly as fuck. What the hell is he
even doing here?

Him: Is that what they taught you at home?

To knock on people’s doors like that?

Bontle has a boyfriend? What a downgrade

for her. From dating me, a whole Phakeme
Ndlovu to dating this skinny nigga? Self
love, what happened to self love Bontle?
Shit, I’m losing it. He’s going to be a part of
my child’s life? God dammit, no ways.
Okay, now I’m losing my shit. I punch his
ugly face and with just one punch, he’s
down to the floor. Before I give him another
punch, someone stops me. It can only be
Bontle.
Bontle: What the fuck is your problem
Phakeme?

Phew, she didn’t leave while I was sleeping

in the car because she still has her pj’s on.

Me: What the hell is he doing here? Who is

he?
She helps this guy up and hurries to the
bathroom.
Me: You replaced me with this faggot?
Geezz Bontle, how desperate are you?

She comes back with some wipes, towel and

what looks like a first aid kit. She helps the
guy sit on the sofa and starts wiping his
blood. Too much blood for just one punch.
Me: Are you even listening to me? He’s
your new boyfriend?
Bontle: What if he’s my boyfriend? What
does that have to do with you? Abuti weh,
tswelela ka botshelo jwa gago ka gonne ke
setse ke dirile jalo. (Sir, move on with your
life because I already did)
Me: There’s no way he’s raising our baby?
Him: Baby?
Me: Yes, ingane wena slima. (a baby, you
fool)
Him: Bontle hlee, Ke eng fa o ne o sa
mpolelele gore ke tlile go nna
malome?(Why didn’t you tell me that I am
going to be an uncle ?)

Bontle gives me a deadly stare.

Bontle: Phakeme, kopa o tsamaye.
(Phakeme, please leave)

She closes the first aid kit and comes

towards me.
Bontle: Tswa! (Out!)
Me: Why?
Bontle: Your problem is that you never
think Phakeme. You think this world
revolves around you. Look what you did to
my brother.
Me: Brother?
Bontle: Phakeme tsamaya tuu! (Phakeme
just leave!)

She pushes me all the way out and closes the

door. What have I done?
Amahle

Working as a housekeeper ain’t pap and

spaghetti. My feet are already killing me. I
prepare something for Mr Ndlovu and I take
it to his study room where he usually works.
The minute I enter that room, I feel
something very heavy on my shoulders. I
greet him and I place the tray on top of his
desk. My tummy ties up in knots and my
head freezes for a few seconds.
Mr Ndlovu: Amahle, are you okay?

I shake my head and he quickly stands up.

He helps me sit down and offers me a glass
of water. I take a sip and my body goes back
to normal. I don’t know why but there must
be something.
Mr Ndlovu: How are you feeling now?
Me: Better. Sir, I don’t know how this is
going to sound but can you please give me
your hand.
Mr Ndlovu: My hand? Why?
Me: Can you please give me your hand, I
will explain later.

He gives me his hand and I hold it. I close

my eyes and my brain freezes for a few
seconds. I sense some bad spirit.
Me: Sir, can we please pray, please.
Mr Ndlovu: Ntombazane, kwenzakalani
kanti? (Miss, what’s happening?)
Me: You’ll ask whatever that you want to
ask later. For now, please fetch your wife
and come back with her now. It’s important.
He heads out hurriedly and after a minute or
so, he comes back with Mrs Ndlovu.
Mrs Ndlovu: Amahle yini manje? (Amahle
what is it?)
Me: With all due respect, you can ask as
many questions as you want. For now, can
you do as I’m saying. Can we all kneel
down, form a circle and hold hands.

They both look at each other and they do as

I say. I take the jar that is filled with water
and I place it in the middle of our circle.
Me: Can we all close our eyes now.

I start praying in tongues, with a lot of tears

coming out from my eyes. After decades of
praying, I open my eyes and clearly these
two people never closed their eyes. I wipe
all my tears and I stand up, placing the jar
on top of the desk. Okay, the visions that I
just had while I was praying, were just
something else.
Mrs Ndlovu? Amahle, are you starting to go
crazy?
Me: No ma. I just had a very powerful
encounter with God. And I have a message
for you.
Mr Ndlovu: What is it?
Me: Well, I don’t know who you guys
worship, God or ancestors but I work for
God because I’m strictly Christian.
Mr Ndlovu: We believe mostly in ancestors.
Me: Well, your ancestors are very mad at
you. God is mad at you. For all your doings,
killing people for a living. There’s some bad
spirits that want to take one of your kids as a
sacrifice of all your doings for all these
years. Nyoni is lucky and the both of you
know why. You just have to tell her the truth
or it will make the matters worse.
Mrs Ndlovu: The truth?
Me: About her real identity. Make things
right, consult a traditional healer if you guys
have to because it’s about to go down. And
also, your hugest enemies are hunting for
you. Do something about this and start by
telling Nyoni the truth before it’s too late.

I stand up and I leave them there. What just

happened?

****************
3pm is about to hit and I have zero plan for
these kids. Maybe I should Uber for them to
come here but how will I do that? Maybe I
should call the admin and ask them to tell
Thabo and Tumi to wait at the admin office
while I request an Uber for them. When I’m
about to do that, I receive a call from Gatsha
and I answer it immediately.
Me: Gatsha.
Gatsha: Abekho la. (They’re not here)
Me: Obani? (Who?)
Gatsha: Tumi and Thabo.
Me: What do you mean?
Gatsha: The school is not out yet. I came
here to fetch them but the admin lady told
me that some guy came to fetch them around
12. Do you know something about that?
Me: No.

My heart drops. A guy? Who could possibly

go and fetch these kids? Definitely not their
father. That man is a drunkard and doesn’t
care about those kids, I doubt he even knows
that he has kids. I don’t have any guy friends
besides for Gatsha. Who could it be?
Me: I will call you back.

I hang up. What would I be without these

kids if something did happen to them? Were
they kidnapped? But they couldn’t have
went with someone they do not know. I start
pacing up and down. Okay Amahle, relax
sisi. Okay, I can’t relax. I just can’t. I start
thinking about the worst things that could
happen to them and tears just make their
way down. I get a text from Gatsha.

I will sort this out. Xoxo.

Oh my goodness. I find myself kneeling on

the kitchen floor, praying and asking God to
be with these kids wherever they are. Some
people make their way in and I quickly stand
up before wiping my tears. Tumi comes
running for me with one of her hugest
smiles. I pick her up and I hug her while I
take out my last tears or tears of relief I may
say.
Tumi: What’s wrong Sis Mahle?
Me: I thought something happened to you.
She wipes my tears and Thabo comes in
with Thabo. He also runs to me and gives
me a hug.
Tumi: New Uncle fetched us from school
today and he took us out.
Thabo: He also paid for the school trip.
Tumi: And he also bought us some clothes.
Thabo: And he bought me Tinyiko’s
sneakers, the ones that I wanted.

I put Tumi down and Ntuthuko just shrugs

his shoulders but he can tell that I’m
unhappy about all of this. I am mad. He
barely knows these kids, who asked him to
do all these things.
Ntuthu: Okay guys, since y’all already
changed into your new clothes, let me show
you guys New Uncle’s playground.
Tumi: You have a playground?
Ntuthu: Yes Mimi.

Already calling her with her pet name, wow.

He goes out with them and I continue with
the dishes. He walks back in. He folds his
arms and looks at me with a smile plastered
on his face.
Ntuthu: Okay, I’m sorry Amahle.
Me: Ntuthuko, do you have any idea how
worried I was? Who asked you to fetch
them? Did I ask you?
Ntuthu: Come on, I was doing you a favour
since you said they had no one to watch
them today and-
Me: (chuckle) A favour? Oh wow.
Ntuthu: It was just my way of saying sorry
about what happened this morning.
Me: Tumi and Thabo are my kids, not yours,
my kids Ntuthuko.
Ntuthu: Your siblings you mean?
Me: My kids. Full stop. You don’t know
them, they don’t know you. You are nothing
to me and that makes you nothing but a
stranger to them.
Ntuthu: Ouch.
Me: Stay out of our lives or you’ll lose me
for good.
Ntuthu: Really?
Me: You come near them again, you’ll
spend a good night locked behind bars. Stay
away from them. Stay away from me.
I pack my things and I go to the yard
playground to fetch these kids before
heading out with them.

Nyoni

I was able to arrange a meeting with my

friends from varsity and tell them about my
business plan, the law firm. They loved the
idea and at least something is moving, I
guess. I drive back home and all that I need
right now is a massage. Maybe I should’ve
just drove back to my man’s place but I need
my bed. I find my mom preparing some
food in the kitchen. She asks for some help
but no man, I’m too tired and she must
understand.

I head to my bedroom and I throw myself on

top of the bed. What a day bahlali. I hear a
knock coming from my door. After a few
seconds, my father makes his way in.
Baba: Nyoni.
Me: Baba.
Baba: Uhambe kanjani? (How did you go?)
Me: Ngihambe kahle baba, kuningi
okusamele kwenziwe. (I went well dad,
there’s just a lot that needs to be done)
Baba: Okay.

My mom makes her way in too and she sits

right in front of me. Okay, what’s
happening? What are these two doing in my
room? The last time they did this is when
they told me about my grandfather’s death
when I was sixteen.
Me: Okay guys, who’s dead?

My mom starts bowing her head down and

before I know it, she sobs. Okay, this is
getting real.
Me: Baba, yini? (Dad, what is it?)
Baba: Uh...
Me: Is it Bhut Phakeme? Ntuthuko? Shaka?
Baba: No one died but it is just something
that we should’ve told you years ago.
Me: I’m listening.
Baba: Nyonisile, we love you. No matter-
Me: Baba just say it.
He looks at my mother who’s still crying.
Baba: Nyoni, we are not your biological
parents.

My heart pauses for a second.

Me: Okay guys, today is not April fool. It’s
September. Ubaba is joking, right?

I look at my mother and she shakes her

head.
Ma: We are not your real parents Nyoni. We
adopted you when you were still a baby.
Your real mother couldn’t afford raising you
so we took you from her-
Me: Nonsense
Baba: Nyoni, yehlisa umoya. (Calm down)
I stand up with so much confusion filling
me.
Me: I need some air.

Suddenly, it feels like my legs are just so

heavy to carry and I can’t even see my way.
Boom!

“Nyoni!”

Yeah, I just fainted.

Insert 24

Narrated

THREE MONTHS LATER

It’s been a very chaotic time for everyone,

with truths coming out, friendships and
loyalty being tested and true colours being
revealed.

Nyoni hasn’t been the same after that day.

Her life has been more of a mess and it even
got to a point that she forgot about her
dreams and goals. She even broke up with
Qaza and she’s just blocking everyone out,
including her friends. She has been looking
for her biological mother but no luck.

Samantha is still experiencing a lot of bad

dreams and it got worse with her sleep
walking now. She’s so lucky to have
Amahle by her side since Nyoni just turned
her whole back against her. She has even
lost some weight but Amahle takes her to
church every Sunday.

Bontle ended up not aborting the baby. Her

co-parenting with Phakeme is not stable yet
but it’s getting there. She’s now living with
her younger brother, the one that got beaten
by Phakeme last time, Kagiso. He just came
out of rehab and is trying to align his life.

Mr Ndlovu and Mrs Ndlovu’s marriage is no

longer the same. It even got to a point that
Mr Ndlovu moved out of the house. He
hired a lot of security guards though, just in
case anything happens.

Amahle has been trying by all means to

avoid Ntuthuko and keeping him out of her
life after she found three dead rats in her
house with a note saying, “first warning you
slut”. She’s doing it for the sake of her
siblings but Ntuthuko is just not hearing it.
Mr Nkosi was attacked again. It’s been a
very hard time for him and his family. He
introduced Qaza to the family as his long
lost son but Mrs Nkosi and Mbuso(Mr
Nkosi’s son) are just not hearing it. Lungile
(Mr Nkosi’s daughter) is just so supportive
and welcoming to Qaza.

Life has been a living hell for everyone.

Nyoni

God hates me, it’s confirmed. Can’t I just

remain happy just for once in my life? I’m
such a mess. I hardly eat, I hardly talk to
anyone and everyone. The breakup with
Qaza has just been so tragic for me. I wish I
could move on just like he did, but I can’t.
I’ve been looking for my biological mother
for months now, but no luck. I haven’t heard
from Samantha ever since. Bontle came to
check up on me a few times but I asked for
some space in our friendship. My family has
tried multiple times to talk to me but I guess
I am so good at pushing everyone away,
because now I’m all alone.

I head to the nearest bar. I’m always wasting

my time there, drinking all my problems
away. Just a glass of wine everyday is okay.
When I get there, I order a bottle of wine for
myself and I sit by myself in the corner. I
scroll on Instagram and I see Bontle is living
her best life. She just revealed her pregnancy
three days ago. Wow, life is going out pretty
well for some people. At least God still
thinks about other people, not us, poor
sufferers.
One of the waiters in the bar comes and
takes a seat in front of me. He’s just so tall,
skinny and light skinned.
Him: Hi.
Me: Hey, do I know you?
Him: No, but you were friends with my
sister.

He holds out his hand for me to handshake

but I just look at his hand.
Him: It’s Kagiso Makhupula.
Me: Familiar surname.
Him: Yeap, Bontle’s little brother.

Now I can see the similarity.

Me: Oh.
Kagiso: You’ve had two glasses already, are
you driving yourself back home?
Me: I will manage, thanks.

I stand up, and I take the bottle of wine.

Me: Thank you for giving a shit about me
since no one really doesn’t care about me
lately.

He slightly smiles and I walk out. It’s a bit

too dark. I walk to the parking lot anyway. I
check the time and it’s already eight. Right
after losing contact with my phone, some
guy comes towards me.
Him: Hi beautiful. My size.
I look at him and I spit on him merely for
saying that. My size, my foot. He forcefully
grabs my hand and when I look behind me,
two guys are coming our way. I shout for
help and they hurry. Thank God, they’ll save
me from this psychopath. Right after
reaching our destination, they both smile. I
don’t know them. Shit, they know this
psychopath.
Me: Let go of me.

The other guy takes out a gun and he sets the

gun.
Guy 1: Give me your phone.

I just give him my phone. Okay, now I’m

hella scared.
Me: You guys got what you wanted, now
leave me.

The other one takes my car keys and one

covers my mouth. They all carry me to the
other side, in the trees near the parking lot. I
try screaming for help but who is going to
hear me with all that noise inside the bar.
They place me by the grass, near the trees.
No one even passes there. One guy
unbuttons my jean, that’s when I notice that
shit is getting real.
Me: Please, please don’t do it.
Guy 2: Relax, we are just having fun.

I cannot cry, not now. I have to fight. The

other guy unbuckles his belt and he is
standing before me. I try to kick him but
instead I get a slap for what I tried to do. I
try to scream again but before I know it, he’s
on top of me. He forcefully takes down my
jeans and my underwear.
Me: Please don’t-
Guy 3: Shut up!

He separates both my legs and he pushes

inside of me. Just like that. In and out. Pain.
After decades of doing what he was doing,
the second guy unbuckles his belt too. No
ways. Okay, now I’m crying.
Me: Please don’t do this.
Guy 1: I also want to have a taste, don’t be
stingy.

Just before I know it, he’s on top me,

pressing down my body. He’s too heavy.
He’s too violent. His groans are just doing
too much. They are making me go through
hell when I’m already going through it. The
other guy follows and he’s more heavy than
the rest of them.
Guy 1: You are my size.

He spits on top of my face. All I can do is

cry because this pain, is just doing too much.

Kagiso
Kagiso Makhupula, that’s me. One energetic
human being and I’m sweet as hell. Well,
I’m out of the closet but it’s not too obvious
for some people. Life has never been
pleasant to me.
Bontle and I both lost our parents back when
I was still doing high school. Bontle tried so
hard to be a good guardian but my parents
death really triggered me because I was
close with the both of them. They knew
about my sexuality and never they have ever
made me feel bad about it, especially my
dad. Their death messed up with me utterly.
A friend of mine introduced me to weed.
From weed, I did drugs. Different sorts but
mostly heroin. I didn’t even pass my matric
really well, because of that. I started stealing
stuff from Bontle just to buy drugs. I was so
messed up but then I went to rehab. I stayed
there for a year and I came back three
months ago. I haven’t relapsed and I’m
proud but hey, it’s not easy.

Nyoni forgot her car keys. When I head out

to give her the car keys I get a call from
Bontle. I head to the bathroom because
there’s lesser noise there.
Me: B.
Bontle: Malome. (Uncle)

We both chuckle. I’m really excited that I’m

going to be an uncle very soon. I’ll make
sure that I become a very cool one.
Bontle: Was just checking up on you. How’s
work?
Me: Work is fine. Guess who I saw?
Bontle: Who?
Me: Nyoni Ndlovu.
Bontle: Oh. At the bar?
Me: Yeap. She’s so messed up hle ausi
waka. (my sister)
Bontle: She made it clear that she wants
nothing to do with me. She told me to stay
away from her. I’ve been texting, calling her
but she’s ignoring me. I even texted
Samantha and she told me the same thing.
Me: The both of you are now talking? You
and Sam?
Bontle: I don’t hold grudges like you and it
was just yesterday, okay?
Me: Ai, let me get back to work. Love you.
Bontle: Fa o sa batle go bua, didimala fela.
(If you don’t want to talk, just keep quiet.)
Me: I’m not your boyfriend neh. I love you.
Bontle: Never leave the “I” out. And bring
me chicken dust on your way back. I love
you too.

I hang up because with Bontle, we won’t

finish talking. Back to reality, I have to give
Nyoni her keys. I head out, using the other
entrance that just leads to the parking lot.
Her car is still parked there. I walk back and
I hear some noise coming from somewhere.
Not the music but-, I think someone is
crying. Not just crying, extremely wailing. I
follow the cry and it leads me to the trees. I
continue following it and I find Nyoni lying
down there with her clothes tossed aside. I
look away for a second. She’s just left with
her underwear and her t-shirt is just torn
apart. What the hell happened?
Me: Nyoni.

She looks at me and she covers herself with

her hands, still sobbing.
Me: Shh, don’t be ashamed.

Okay, did I have to say that or? Shit, what

do I do now? I help her up and I take off the
scarf that I’m wearing. Don’t ask me why I
wear a scarf in this heat, the scarf just gives
me comfort. I cover her thighs with the scarf
and at least it looks a bit longer on her. I
take off my cardigan and I cover her
shoulders. I take her one sneaker and I help
her wear it since she was just wearing one
sneaker.
Me: Let’s take you home.

I hold her hand and we both walk to her car.

What just happened? Did she get mugged
and they ripped away her things? I won’t ask
her a lot of questions right now, I just want
to be her safe space.

Amahle

My long lost auntie Khumbuzile, my

mother’s sister came to see us last time. She
told us that she had recently found out that
our mother actually had children. She’s so
sweet and sis is very loaded. Tumi and
Thabo visited her for the holidays. She
insisted that I visit but my life is just too
busy, work, work, work. I’ve been staying
with Samantha. She’s having a hard time,
she even lost some weight but we just have
to stick to prayer. When I wake up, I check
the time and it’s six in the morning. I head
out of the bedroom and I see that the kitchen
door is opened and the burglar is unlocked
and opened too. I head to Samantha’s
bedroom and she’s not there. Her bed is not
made which is not like her. Her phone is
placed on top of the bed. I head outside to
check if she’s there but no sign. Something
is up, Sam never leaves her phone.
I put on my slides and my gown, and I head
to the security gate. The man that works
there whose name is Hlabangani knows us
and he’s been asking Samantha out for
months.
Me: Hlaba.
Hlaba: Nkosazane, ngabe konke kuhamba
kahle? (Ma’am, is everything okay?)
Me: Cha. Awukamboni uSamantha? (No.
Have you seen Samantha?)
Hlaba: Namhlanje? Cha. (Today? No.)
Me: Eish, okay.
Hlaba: Kodwa ngizokwazisa uma ngimbona.
Ngisebenza udouble shift today. (But I will
let you know when I see her. I’m working a
double shift today.)
Me: Okay, ngiyabonga. (thank you.)
I just hope she’s good wherever she is. I
might be overreacting, let me just relax.

Samantha

I’m woken up by so much noise sounding

like drums. I open my eyes and it’s so hot
and dark in here. I see that there is a window
covered with a curtain. I move the curtain
and it transfers the light inside the room. I
run to the door and the door is locked. I start
knocking on the door, shouting for help. I
hope no one kidnaped me. I continue
banging the door and finally comes to
unlock it. It’s a guy. He smiles and he opens
the door wide. He has short dreadlocks and
is dark skinned. He has a leopard print tshirt
on, and he is covered with a red fabric. He
sees that I’m so confused and he takes his
hand into mine.
Him: Khululeka, use khaya. (Relax, you are
home.)
We both walk out of the hut that I was in
and we walk into the other one. We find an
old lady in the hut, kneeling on top of a
grass mat, crushing something. When she’s
done with what she’s doing, she stands up.
Her: Ngiyabonga Sizwe. (Thank you
Sizwe.)
He kneels down and claps his hands twice
before walking out. Okay, why did he have
to do that?
Me: What am I doing here?
Her: Nobuhle.

That’s my second name. I’ve never liked it

and I don’t appreciate it when someone calls
me with that name.
Me: Samantha. And what am I doing here?
Her: Ulethwe ngabaphansi. (The ancestors
brought you here.)
Me: Well, I don’t appreciate them bringing
me here. Can they take me back where they
found me?
Her: EGoli? (Gauteng?)
Me: Yebo eGoli gogo, cela ningibuyisele
lapho eningithole khona. (Yes at Gauteng
granny and please take me back where you
found me.)
Her: Impilo yakho isi lana Nobuhle.
Unesipho esikhulu, kudala sikulindile. (Your
life is now here Nobuhle. You have a huge
gift and we’ve been waiting for you.)
Me: Okokuqala, anginendaba nezipho mina.
Secondly, what exactly am I doing here?
(Firstly, I don’t care about gifts.)
Her: Uzothwasa. (Initiation.)

I look at her and I clap my hands three times

before laughing.
Me: Gogo ndini, cela uyekele
ukungibhedela, ungibuyisele lapho ongithole
khona. (You old lady, stop talking nonsense
and take me back where you found me.)

She comes closer to me and lady smells like

incense itself.
Her: Ubale amagama wakho. (Count your
words.)

I look at her and both her eyes are wide

open. Okay, now she looks a bit scary.
Her: Ugog’ wakho uBhungane,
uyaphenduka ethuneni lakhe njengamanje.
(Your grandmother Bhungane is turning in
her grave presently.)

She hands me a cellphone.

Her: Ungashayela umndeni wakho ubatshele
ukuthi uphephile nokuthi ukahle. Mangabe
ufuna ukuhamba, uSizwe uzokuyisa
ematekisini, bakulande khona. Kukuwe sisi.
(You can call your family and tell them that
you are safe and well. If you want to leave,
Sizwe will take you to the taxis and your
family will fetch you there. It’s up to you.)

She heads out. What do I do now? I try

calling Nyoni but it sends me to voicemail.
This other girl comes in, covering herself
with a red fabric too but with a white vest.
She smiles at me.
Her: Sawubona Sis Buhle, nginguNokwanda
Kunini sikulindile. Ai cha, umuhle
ngempela. (Hi Sis Buhle, I’m Nokwanda.
We’ve waiting for you. You are so pretty)
How does she know me? And she’s the
second person to say that she has been
waiting for me. Why? I save all those
questions for later because I might need her
help.
Me: Eish sisi, ngidinga usizo yazi. (I need
your help you know.)
Nokwanda: Tshela mina ukhala ngani.
(What’s up?)
Me: Ngidinga uFacebook. Uyazibonela le
phone utwititi we phone nje. (I need
Facebook. You can see that this is a small
phone.)

She chuckles and takes out the phone from

her breast.
Nokwanda: Shesha, ayivumelwanga lento
esiyenzayo. (Hurry, we are not allowed to
do this.)

I take her phone and I log in on Facebook

with my account. I go to my chats with
Amahle. There was a time when she sent me
her numbers there. I press the numbers on
the old lady’s small phone and I hand
Nokwanda back her phone.
Me: Ngiyabonga. (Thank you.)

She smiles and heads out. I call Amahle and

it rings twice before she answers it.
Amahle: Hello.
Me: Mahle.
Amahle: Sam, is it you?
Me: Yes.
Amahle: Oh my god, Samantha.

Her voice starts breaking down and I can

hear and feel the worry she had with me
disappearing.
Amahle: I didn’t sleep the whole night. I’m
even on my way to the police station with
Hlaba.

She sniffs and I can hear that she’s crying. It

makes me cry too. I’m not crying because
she’s crying, but because for once, someone
actually gives a shit about me. People
actually, including Hlaba on the list. I’ve
been friend zoning him for months but still,
he tells me that he wants to marry me.
Nonetheless, he’s a good guy.
Me: Aww Mahle, ungakhali oe. (don’t cry
friend.)
Amahle: Where are you?
Me: Honestly, I don’t know.
Amahle: What do you mean?
Me: I woke up in this other place filled with
so many sangomas. This old lady is claiming
that I have a gift and that I have to stay
behind for some initiation.
Amahle: Oh my word Sam, that is huge.
How are you feeling about that?
Me: I’m feeling nothing. I just want to come
back home and take a long hot shower
because now I even smell like incense. They
all smell like incense.
Amahle: That’s not how things are done
Sam. I once told you that you have a gift
when we actually spoke for the first time,
remember?

I trace back and that memory comes back.

Amahle: The attitude that you have right
now, get rid of it. It’s stupid and it shows
immaturity. Grow up and face this. Don’t be
those girls acting better than everyone, that’s
not the Samantha that I know. And turning
back your gift is not a good decision, trust
me. You can already see what you are going
through presently, what more when you turn
back the gift? That’s not what your
grandmother would’ve wanted. She passed
this gift on to you for a reason. Use it wisely
Samantha.
I’m out of words. All her points are too
valid.
Me: Ngenze njani ke Amahle? (What should
I do Amahle?)
Amahle: Stay there until your initiation is
over. Be at your best behaviour and if ever
you were mean to anyone, better fix that
quickly because it’s going to be a long
journey for you and you better start it on a
good slate. Be strong and don’t forget to
pray.
Me: I won’t.
Amahle: I love you and make me proud tuu.

We both chuckle.
Me: I love you too.
I hang up. This is serious. Time to own up to
my consequences. Time to play, is seriously
over now.

Insert 25

Qaza
It’s been very tough for me, my weight loss
says it all. My father has been hospitalized
and it’s like the doctors aren’t doing
anything to help him be better. Every day I
come in here and I see him still lying in the
same position not doing anything, not even
blinking or moving, just lying there, breaks
my heart. I talk to him every day because
apparently, he can hear me. Nyoni really
hurt me by breaking up with me, but I have
far more problems than just a breakup.
Nkosi’s Winery needs my whole attention.
Mbuso and Noluthando, my father’s wife
make their way in. They both do not like me
and they don’t even hide it. I don’t care
about them honestly. Lungile comes in right
after them, wearing her hugest smile.
Lungile: Bhuti wami. (My brother.)
She hugs me. She knows how much I dislike
hugs but she hugs me every time she gets a
chance. The doctor makes his way in.
Dr: Nkosi family.
Noluthando: Tell me you have good news.
Lungile: Yes, please.
Dr: I’m afraid, no. Mr Nkosi has been this
critical for months now. We have tried our
very best but there’s nothing that we can do.
Basically, he’s in life support because the
machines are the ones helping him breathe
since he cannot do that on his own.
Me: What do you mean by that?
Dr: When the patient has reached this level,
most families take the best decision and they
switch off the machines.
Me: Isn’t there another way?
He just shakes his head.
Dr: I will give you guys some time to think
this through as a family.

He heads out. Silence just meddles inside

the room.
Mbuso: Dad has been lying in this bed for
months and it aches.
Lungile: What do you mean by that?
Mbuso: I hate to say this but the doctor is
right.
Me: Bullshit, are you even listening to
yourself right now? Why can’t we just stick
to prayer. God works miracles, he’ll be fine.
Mbuso: Fuck God then because what I know
is that, he doesn’t even give a shit. And you
don’t have a say in this Qaza because the
last time I checked, you’re not even family.
Me: What do you know about family?
Noluthando: Enough! We are switching off
these machines, the end.
Me: What? I know that you guys don’t like
me it’s fine, but this? This man is your
family. He’s your husband for God’s sake
Noluthando.
Noluthando: If you think this is easy for me,
then you’re wrong.

She wipes her tears as they flow down.

Me: We are not switching off these
machines.
I walk out and I head to my car, fuming as
hell. I head to work to sort out some of the
things. Zweli comes inside my office.
Zweli: Bro wami. How are you holding up?
(My brother.)
Me: That man called my father is lying in
the hospital bed not doing anything , he’s in
life support and his wife and son want to
switch off the machines. What nonsense is
that?
Zweli: Shucks. But let’s be honest. In your
life, have you ever heard something like
someone making it out of life support?
Me: What are you trying to say?

He raises up both his hands in the air.

Zweli: If you don’t get it, forget about it.
He heads out. Zweli is agreeing with their
madness too? No ways. I better head to the
hospital before that crazy family switches
off the machines. I pack my stuff and just as
I am about to head to the hospital, I get a
call from Lungile.
Me: Lungile.
Lungile: He’s gone.
Me: Who is gone?
Lungile: Dad, he is gone. They switched off
the machines. He’s gone Bhut Qaza.

She starts crying on the phone. I don’t know

whether to comfort her or to cry too. I want
to blame someone and I already have people
to blame. I’m mad, I’m angry, I’m sad.
Nyoni

Kagiso drove me home with my car. I asked

him not to leave and he went inside the
house with me. Everyone was asleep, so no
one saw us. I took a very long bath, thinking
about what happened. No matter how hard I
tried to get it out of my head, the more I
thought about. I wanted to think about other
things, my happy moments and memories
but I just couldn’t erase that traumatic
experience. No matter how hard I tried to
scratch myself, I could still feel their hands
on me, their bodies weighing on me,
pressing me down, their groans, how their
sweat smelled, their laughs, how they were
enjoying all of this while I was in so much
pain.

After decades of taking a bath, I went back

to the bedroom and Kagiso was already fast
asleep in the couch. I tapped him twice and
he opened his eyes.
Me: You’re sleeping here tonight?
Kagiso: Eish, my shift wasn’t over yet and
Bontle is waiting for me so I can’t.

I just nodded and I sat on top of the bed.

Me: I understand, you can go.
Kagiso: What really happened Nyoni?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it. I can’t talk
about it.
Kagiso: If you want me to sleep over, then at
least tell me what happened.
Me: Three guys raped me Kagiso and I’m
scared. No matter how hard I try to erase
that experience, I can still feel their bodies
pressing down my body in that cold grass. I
can still taste their sweat.

Kagiso pauses for a very long time. He takes

off his shoes and comes to sit next to me on
top of the bed. He doesn’t do much, he just
hugs me. I just break down and cry.
Me: I’m scared Kagiso.
Kagiso: I’m sorry. I’m so sorry Nyoni.

We stay in that position for a very long time.

He cries with me and keeps on telling me
that it’s going to be okay. He tells me that
we will get through this together. Same
cycle for the whole night. The sun rises up
and we are still in that position.
Kagiso: So we stayed like this for the whole
night?
Me: Yes, and it helped. I thought about this
for the whole night, it’s enough.
Kagiso: You’ll be okay. We will get through
this together. Just that if my boyfriend saw
me cuddling up with you like this, he would
think that I’m cheating on him.
Me: Oh, wow. You are gay? I noticed
though.
Kagiso: I’m not really out of the closet yet.
Me: Take your time. And Kagiso?
Kagiso: Yes?
Me: Please don’t tell anyone, even Bontle.
Kagiso: Fingers crossed. But I need a favour
back.
Me: What?

He heads to the couch and he takes out a

card. He hands it to me. It’s written Strength
For Survival Support Team and it’s contact
details.
Me: What’s this?
Kagiso: My support team. You are coming
with me tomorrow.
Me: So you guys sit there in a circle and talk
about your problems? You want me to tell
them about what happened? No, thanks.
Kagiso: I don’t take no’s for an answer. You
are coming with me.
Me: I’ll see.
Someone knocks on my door and they come
in right after that. It’s Ntuthuko.
Ntuthuko: Jesus Christ, what is your
boyfriend doing here?
Me: One, who said you should come in?
Two, he’s not my boyfriend. Kagiso this is
my brother Ntuthuko, Ntuthuko this is
Kagiso, a friend of mine.
Kagiso: Nice to meet you.

Ntuthuko takes a glance at him and shakes

his head.
Ntuthuko: I need your help.
Me: What?
Ntuthuko: I’m proposing Amahle tonight. I
need someone to keep her busy for the day
while we prepare something in the garden. I
already told mom and dad.
Me: Isn’t it a bit sooner for proposing?
Ntuthuko: I love Amahle and I want to make
her mine forever.
Me: Doesn’t she have friends?
Ntuthuko: Nyonisile, can you help me just
for once in your life?
Me: What will I even say?
Kagiso: You can come with her today.
Me: I’m not even sure if I’ll come.
Kagiso: Come on Nyoni.
Nyoni: Yoh guys, you guys are out here
asking me to do things for yall and I just
can’t. I’m going through so much. I don’t
need this.
I sit on the couch and I look at the both of
them.
Ntuthuko: Leave it Nyoni, I’ll figure this out
alone.
Me: Fine, I’ll see what I can do. I will keep
her busy.

Ntuthuko smiles and he does a little dance.

Ntuthuko: That’s why I love you.
Me: Mxm, Amahle and I are not even that
close. And I don’t like her.
Kagiso: Nyoni hlee.
Me: Fine, yoh.
Ntuthuko: I’ll send you some cash then. Just
in case you decide to go to the movies or-
Me: Ntuthuko, I’ll sort this. Relax.
Ntuthuko: Okay.
He heads out.
Kagiso: It’s too sad he is straight.
Me: He’s a playboy.
Kagiso: A hot one though.
Me: Uh, I need a favour.
Kagiso: What is it?

****************
I knock for the second time and I can hear
his footsteps approaching the door.

So I asked Kagiso to accompany me

somewhere to Qaza’s. He’s waiting inside
the car in the parking lot. I think I owe Qaza
a proper explanation of why I did what I did.
In this situation that I’m in right now, I just
need him to hold me and tell me that all will
be okay. I need closure.

He opens the door and pauses for a second

when he sees me.
Me: Hi.
Qaza: What do you want?
Me: Can we talk?
Qaza: About what?
Me: Qaza, please don’t.

He steps outside and he folds his arms. He

just looks at me and I don’t know what to
say. He smells like alcohol and he has lost
some weight.
Qaza: Talk.
Me: I’m sorry. I’m sorry for how I ended
things with you.
Qaza: Okay.
Me: I owe you a proper explanation.
Something happened. I’m not okay and I
need closure.
Qaza: Oh, so you need closure?
Me: Yeah.
Qaza: I see. Listen here and listen to me
very carefully. You better search for that
closure somewhere else because I don’t have
time to mend your little broken heart that
needs closure. Things can’t always go your
way Nyoni.
Me: I know, I’m just going through a lot.
I’m going through so much, I am not okay.
A hug from you would mean so much to me
right now.
Qaza: You think you’re the only one with
problems Nyoni?

His voice keeps getting louder and louder

and I can see that he’s mad.
Qaza: I no longer have a father now Nyoni.
He’s dead. His fucken family switched off
the machines when I asked them not to.
They didn’t even bother telling me first
before doing what they did. You left me at
my lowest Nyoni. I needed you so much but
you left. And now you’re looking for
closure? You have to be the most self
centred, selfish, idiotic person I’ve ever met.
Maybe this world would be a better place
without you, don’t you think? Just leave.
His words. His words cut so deep, deeper
than a knife. I start crying.
Me: I hear you but I’m-
Qaza: Nyoni, leave.
Me: I’m sorry-

I don’t know when and how I ended on the

floor, but he pushed me to the floor. Not just
a push, a painful hard push.
Qaza: You come back here and it will be
more than just what I did. Move on woman,
because I already did. Now stand up and
leave.

He heads back inside and leaves me here.

He didn’t say sorry for pushing me to the
floor, he didn’t panic, he didn’t help me
stand up, to him it was just nothing.
He opens the door again and I’m still on the
floor, still surprised. As I’m still held by
shock, cold water land on my body. He’s
holding a bucket and he just poured me with
water.
Qaza: Leave!

He drags me and I end up standing up. He

pushes me again but this time I do not fall.
He walks back to his apartment. I slowly
walk to the car, with water dripping out.
That wasn’t Qaza, what I saw right there,
was a monster.

Insert 26
I can’t believe Qaza did that to me. I get it
that he hates me but why on earth would he
do that? Why? The thought of that makes
me cry. I open the car door and I get inside
the car. Kagiso gets his eyes off the phone
and he glances at me.
Kagiso: What happened? Why are you so
wet?

I buckle my seat belt and I drive off.

Kagiso: Your ex did that to you?
Me: Kagiso can you shut up, please.
Kagiso: Okay.

He continues scrolling on Instagram and I

focus on the road.
Me: You stay with Bontle?

He doesn’t respond, he continues glancing at

his phone.
Me: Kagiso?
Kagiso: You just said I should keep quiet.
No, actually you said that I should shut up..
Me: Okay, you’re acting so gay right now.
Kagiso: Offense taken.
Me: Do you stay where Bontle stays?
Kagiso: Yes, why?
Me: I wanted to know where to drop you
off.
Kagiso: You’re already chasing me away,
ouch.

I playfully roll my eyes.

Me: You’ll see me later moc, on that stupid
support group whatever.
Kagiso: One, it’s not stupid, secondly, oh
my God, you’re coming!

Kagiso is one crazy human being. I love him

and his company though. He just makes me
forgot about most things, especially what
happened last night. I still can’t get over it
but at least I don’t think that much about it
when I’m with him. I drive to Bontle’s place
and I drop Kagiso off.

I head to my house and I find Ntuthuko and

Amahle in the kitchen. I place the car keys
on top of the counter.
Amahle: Hi Nyoni.
Me: Hi.
Ntuthuko points at Amahle with his eyes
while looking at me. That’s when I
remember that I have something to do for
Ntuthuko.
Ntuthuko: Why are you so wet?
Me: Someone poured me with water.

I grab a glass to drink some water.

Ntuthuko: Are you going somewhere today?
Me: Yeah, why?

He clenches his fists and faces the floor.

Amahle continues cooking whatever that
she’s cooking.
Me: Oh, uh yeah. Kagiso wanted me to
come to some Bible study group thing. I
wanted Amahle to go with me.

She stops what she’s doing and she looks at

me.
Me: What? You’re always reading your
Bible during your lunch.
Amahle: Okay, I didn’t know that I had a
stalker but if it has to do with God, I will
definitely go with you. What time?
Me: Uh, I think it’s 4pm.
Amahle: I knock off at 5.
Ntuthuko: It’s okay, you can go. I’ll talk to
my mom babe.
Amahle: Babe?
Ntuthuko: Yes, my babe.
He kisses her cheek and Amahle just
flushes. Her face instantly turns pink
because of all the blushing. I pour myself
some blue vodka before heading to my
room, leaving these lovebirds.

I try so hard not to think about what

happened yesterday but it hits me. I make
things easier for myself and I drink three
glasses of blue vodka. It tastes awful, it
tastes like spirit liquid, even though I’ve
never tasted it before, I bet it tastes awful
too like this blue vodka. I connect my other
phone to my Bluetooth speaker and I play
some music to put me in a good mood. I
play Yr Love by Roosevelt.
Bring back the love, to me
Hold me back until it
Was never enough, for you
Send me back again
Bring back the love, to me
Hold me back until it
Was never enough, for you
Feels like, we’ll never be the same again
Bring back the love, to me
Hold me back until it
Was never enough, for you
Take me back again
Bring back the love, to me
Hold me back until it
Was never enough, for you
Feels like, we’ll never be the same again
I dance like I have a happy life, I dance like
I’ll never dance like this again. I fall to the
floor with my wet clothes, I pick myself up
and I dance again, and again and again.

*******************

It feels like someone is shaking me. Them

touching me or my skin instantly wakes me
up. It felt like it. Or maybe it just brought it
back. It’s Amahle. She has her hands by her
waist, with her side bag sliding from her
shoulder going all the way down.
Amahle: Get up, it’s almost four.
I try to sit up but my head is too heavy and
it’s doing the most. Why am I even sleeping
on the floor?
Amahle: You said four right? Or I heard my
things?
Me: What about four?
Amahle: The Bible study session.
Me: What?

Okay, I’m so confused right now. Ntuthuko

walks in.
Ntuthuko: Nyoni, manje? (Nyoni, and then?)

I get up from the floor with the help of

Amahle. I sit on top of the bed.
Amahle: I found her sleeping on the floor.
Ntuthuko: What? Sthandwa sami, if you
don’t mind can you give us just a few
minutes, I want to have a word with Nyoni.
(My Love)
Amahle: No problem. Should I make
something to eat for you or you’re still full??
Ntuthuko: I’m still full, thanks.

She kisses his forehead before walking out.

Ntuthuko: You could have just said,
“Ntuthuko, I won’t be able to do what
you’re asking from me”.
Me: It’s not like that.
Nyoni: It is. This means so much to me
Nyoni. The people for decor are already here
to help us prepare for this proposal. I asked
you nicely Nyoni and you agreed. I hate to
say this but you’re so selfish Nyoni. You
always do what makes only you happy, what
satisfies you and your needs only, you don’t
care about your friends or family. Did you
even know that Samantha uyothwasa?
Me: What?
Ntuthuko: The perfect answer that I was
expecting. Sam is your sister man, but you
don’t even know a damn thing that’s taking
place in her life presently. She needed your
support in this but what did you do? You
pushed her away just like you pushed us
away, your family Nyoni.
Me: You guys are not my family. You, your
mother, dad and two brothers are a family
together, don’t include me.
Ntuthuko: Just because we’re not biological
family doesn’t mean that we’re not your
family.
Me: You don’t understand.
Ntuthuko: What’s there to understand?
Me: Everything.
Ntuthuko: What everything?
Me: I was raped! I was raped by three guys
for Christ’s sake. Do you understand how it
feels like to be raped? You don’t.

Tears just stream down my face, thinking

about that experience.
Me: Now you can leave my room. I need to
get ready and leave with Amahle in ten
minutes so that I can stop being selfish.

I stand up but he holds my hand.

Ntuthuko: What did you say? You were
what?
I look at his eyes and they are already red
and teary with veins popping out of his
forehead.
Ntuthuko: Nyoni.

He let’s go of my hand and he faces the

floor. He starts shaking his shoulders and
that’s when I can see that he’s crying. In my
whole life, in my twenty five years of
existence, I’ve never seen Ntuthuko shed
even a single tear. I remember even when it
was my grandfather’s funeral, he didn’t cry.
We all cried but he didn’t.
Ntuthuko: I have failed you as a brother
Nyoni. Why wasn’t I there to protect you?
How?
I sit down next to him. I hug him and we cry
together. It’s such a huge, heavy, sad
moment for the both of us. He keeps on
saying that he’s sorry. He tells me that he
loves me and that he’s sorry.
Ntuthuko: Those dick heads, I will find them
Nyoni. I promise you. Can you remember
their faces?

I just nod. How can I ever forget their ugly,

scary faces?
Me: Yeah.
Ntuthuko: We’re going to fix this. After
proposing to Amahle, we are fixing this.
Okay?
Me: Okay.
He gives me little hope. I know that
Ntuthuko is not the type to just talk but zero
actions. When he says that he’ll find them, I
know that he will find them.
Ntuthuko: I love you. I love you so so much.
Me: I love you too.

He hugs me and we cry again, together.

Insert 27

Why did Kagiso bring me here? Dull

support group just like I expected it. It looks
like Amahle is too focused on listening to
these people’s problems. I’m so not here.
This other woman has been talking about
how depressed and suicidal she is lately. She
should just make things easier for herself
and have some rat poison. She’ll die a
painful death but her wish will come true. I
mean we all want to die. Okay not all, I want
to die. Is that a good thing though?

This other guy walks in and he takes a seat.

He looks so familiar. I think I know him
from somewhere. I take a closer look at him
and he looks at me too. I look away for a
few seconds, only to find him starring at me
again. I stare at him, I don’t move my eyes. I
make him feel so uncomfortable and he
moves away his eyes. Yes, I won. I wonder
who the hell told men that they were the
captains and leaders of eye contact. I just
proved this one wrong. What just happened
gives off The Fault In Our Stars vibes, when
Augustus and Hazel saw each other for the
first time, during the support group meeting.

Anyway, Amahle raises up her hand and I

can see girl is really having a good time here
just like Kagiso and everyone else. I just
want to get home and have other two glasses
of blue vodka, drink my problems away.
Amahle: Hello everyone, my name is
Amahle Shabangu.
Everyone: Hello Amahle.
Amahle: A friend of mine told me that we
were going to a Bible group study session.
I’m surprised that we ended up here.
Everyone laughs.
Amahle: Well, I wanted to reply on what
Hermione just said. You spoke about you
being suicidal, depressed, drinking problem
and all of that. You going through those
things, especially the first one is because
you have lost faith. It’s hard to earn and to
actually have faith and it’s easy to lose it. I
won’t advise you on anything but I say to
you pray. Pray harder. Stand firm on prayer.
Good or bad, pray. Don’t just pray for the
sake of praying. Pray and believe that your
prayer will be answered and you will receive
it. Read your Bible and pray. He’s our only
healer, our only saviour. Ask Him to help
you heal, to strengthen you. That’s all,
thanks.

Everyone snaps using their fingers.

Hermione: Thank you, thank you so much. I
needed that.
Kagiso: Thank you so much Amahle. I think
someone also wanted to share this week.

Everyone looks at Mr eye contact.

Him: Oh, uh..

He scratches his neck before standing up.

Once he is up, he moves his fingers across
his thighs. I can tell that he is a bit scared.
That’s what I do when I’m scared too, I
move my fingers across my thighs.
Him: Hi everyone, my name is Zwelethu
Thusi and I’m a survivor.
Zwelethu, Zwelethu, Zwelethu. That’s when
I remember where I know the guy from, he
is Qaza’s friend.
Zwelethu: I started attending this support
group last year. At first, I thought it was
stupid. It was stupid of me to think that it
was stupid.

Everyone laughs.
Zwelethu: But truth be told, it helped me. A
lot. I wanted to share why I started coming
here because I feel like you guys deserve to
know because you guys really helped me. I
was raped.

That word, God that word.

Zwelethu: I was raped by my grandfather.
Not once, not twice but multiple times. At
first, I never understood what he did to me
but as I grew up, I understood. Me
understanding what he did to me, triggered
me. It messed me up. It transformed me into
a monster, my own monster, for years
because I found out that I was HIV positive.
Until last year, I saw people recommending
this support group on TikTok. You guys
saved me. Listening to your stories and
seeing you guys change into strong beings,
not letting your situations define you, seeing
each and one of y’alls bravery really gave
me strength to say what I’m saying today.
From you guys, I learned that letting the
issue of my grandfather define me, wasn’t
the solution. Picking myself up was the
solution. That solution helped me and if
you’re going through what I went through,
that solution might help you too. Thank you.
He takes a seat again. People snap. Wow,
that was something else. That was powerful.
I felt every word that he said.
Kagiso: Thank you so much Zwelethu. I’m
glad that you’re okay now. I’m glad we
were able to help you, thank you.

People clap their hands and I clap that too

because his speech, was heart felt.
Kagiso: Sis Bee, you can take from here.
Sis Bee: Thank you so much Zwelethu for
sharing that with us. That was something
else. Thank you. Now guys, today we are
getting our hand-ins. To those of you who
do not know what hand ins are, it is just a
piece of paper that you get. This paper states
what you should do, as a way of healing. It’s
like a reward for all that you have went
through.

She stands up and she places a box in the

middle.
Sis Bee: Inside that box are folded,
scrambled papers. You can pick one. We
can stand up, one by one.

People stand up one by one until it is just me

and Amahle left. She stands up and I stand
up after her. My paper is written bucket list.
I place it inside my pocket.
Sis Bee: It’s already 7pm, thank you
everyone.

Everyone stands up and people walk out,

including Zwelethu. I run to him.
Me: Mr eye contact.

He stops and he looks at me.

Zweli: Excuse me?
Me: I won. That eye contact competition we
had, I won. And I think you owe me
something.

He chuckles and shakes his head. We both

walk outside.
Me: Your hand-in, what was it written?
Zweli: I can’t tell you.
Me: Why?
Zweli: It’s a secret, I’m not supposed to tell
you.
Me: Come on. I’ll tell you mine. It’s bucket
list.
Zweli: Oh, I got bucket list too.
Me: Bucket list, what do you do?
Zweli: So, you create a bucket list of all the
things you would like to do during this
festive. Maybe a road trip, Bungee jumping,
things like that.
Me: Wow. Do you have a list?
Zweli: Nope.
Me: Let’s create it together.

He laughs.
Me: You laugh at everything that I say. Do I
look funny?
Zweli: Yeah.
Me: I look funny?
Zweli: I mean you’re funny.
Me: Anyway, let’s create it together.
Actually, my brother is hosting something at
home, don’t you want to come with us?

I look at Kagiso and Amahle who are both

standing by my car.
Zweli: Your brother is hosting what?
Me: He wants to engage his girlfriend. That
girl.

I point at Amahle.
Zwelethu: Oh. I would love to but I can’t.
Me: Why?
Zwelethu: I had a lot of work today at work,
I want to rest. And Qaza would kill me if he
knew that I went to a party with you.
Me: F him.
Zwelethu: Are you using me to make him
jealous?
Me: Of course not. Come on, you’ll have
fun. My brothers are really cool. Come here.

I take his hand and we both walk to Kagiso

and Amahle.
Me: Guys meet Zwelethu, my ex’s best
friend.
Kagiso: Yoh.

Amahle just laughs.

Me: The three of us are having girl dinner in
my house.
Amahle: Girl?
Me: Just dinner. And I wanted to invite him
but he doesn’t want to come.
Kagiso: Come Zweli.
Amahle: The more, the merrier.
Me: If you don’t come with us, I will start
singing for you instantly in front of all these
people.

There are people standing outside, having a

little chat together in different groups. Some
just headed straight home.
Zwelethu: Please don’t do that.
Me: Come with us then.
Zwelethu: No.
Me: Can you hear me say, pleaseeee-
Zwelethu: Fine.
I find that everyone is staring at us. After the
a few seconds, they continue with their
conversations.
Me: What?
Zwelethu: I will come with you.
Me: Yay!
Kagiso: Can we go now?
Zwelethu: I will follow your car with my
car.
Me: Good.

Amahle
What a day it was today. I honestly learned a
lot from that support group. Every story was
so heart breaking and so heavy but I learnt
something, to not let your problems define
you. Don’t tell God about how huge your
situation is, tell the situation about how huge
God is.

I log in on Facebook and I receive four texts

from Samantha.

Ai ngeke, ngiyabuya mina lapho.

We only eat once a day, hayi.
We are having a dance tonight, will tell you
all about it when I get a chance. I miss you
and I love you.
And I’m having more dreams. I had a dream
about Nyoni and your boyfriend. I hope it
was just a dream because it was really bad.

Just as I am about to reply to Samantha’s

messages, Nyoni tells me to get off the car. I
can’t believe we are already here.
Kagiso: Can’t we blindfold her?
Me: Blindfold who?
Nyoni: Oh yes, good idea.

She opens her car cabinet and she takes out

a scarf. She steps out of the car and opens
the door for me. I step out and Zwelethu
goes out to the of his car too. Nyoni stands
behind me and she covers my eyes with the
scarf.
Me: And then?
Nyoni: Relax. I’ll hold you though. I don’t
want you to fall then your boyfriend kills
me.
Me: Lol.

She takes her hand into mine and we both

walk. We continue walking and I’m still
wondering why I am blindfolded.
Nyoni: We have reached the destination. But
don’t remove the blindfold yet.
Me: Did Ntuthuko send you to do this? Let
me guess. He set up a cute picnic for the
both of us to stargaze?

I laugh at myself right after saying that.

Nyoni unties the blindfold. Oh my god.
There is a table set up and decorated with
his family sitting there. There are festive
lights everywhere. It is so beautiful.
Me: Wow.
Ntuthuko: You like it?

I turn around it and he is standing behind

me.
Me: I love it. What is your family doing
here?

He takes his hand into mine and we walk to

the family table. I greet everyone, his
family. Nyoni, Kagiso and Zwelethu join the
family on the table. Ntuthuko is still
standing.
Ntuthuko: I’d like to thank each and
everyone of you for being here today. It’s a
special day for me. Very special.
He looks at me and he shows his brightest
smile.
Ntuthuko: Amahle. You healed pieces of me
I didn’t know needed healing. You cared for
me when I didn’t know I could use that extra
love. You brought out the happiness in me I
didn’t know existed. You’ve made me feel
more alive than ever. I fell in love with you
not knowing what love really was. I stayed
in love with you because there’s no one or
nothing I’ve ever wanted more than you. I
will forever be in love with you because I
can’t picture even a second of my life
without you. I’m so grateful for you every
second. I’m grateful that we met. I’m
grateful that somehow in this crazy universe
with infinite possibilities, destiny paved the
way so we could see each other at the right
time at the right place in the right moment.
So many things could have happened to
keep us from existing together. Yet we met
and started something so beautiful. I’m
grateful for us and I never want to let you
go. I want to wake up at 2 AM, roll over, see
your face, and know that I’m right where
I’m supposed to be. Just one of the many
reasons why I want to marry you,
sweetheart.

He comes towards me and he kneels down.

Oh my word, he’s not.
Ntuthuko: Amahle Petunia Shabangu, will
you make me the happiest man on earth and
marry me?
Honestly, I don’t know what to do. I don’t
know what to say.
Me: Uh-

I look at his family and they are all looking

at me.
Me: I don’t know what to say, I’m shocked.
You did all of this, for me?
Ntuthuko: I did all of this, for you.

My eyes fill up with tears.

Me: I will marry you.
Ntuthuko: The answer is yes?
Me: Yes, yes, yes!

Everyone cheers and Shaka pops up the

champagne. Ntuthuko inserts the ring. God,
my hands are even shaking. He stands up
and I hug him. He spins me around and
baby, I feel so happy. We kiss and they
switch on the music.
Ntuthuko: Mrs Ndlovu.
Me: My Mr Ndlovu.

We both laugh before kissing again. I feel

like the happiest, luckiest girl on earth.
Everyone starts dancing to Amapiano and
we both join them. Oh my goodness, we are
bad dancers.

I don’t know how and when but two guys

come running from the house wearing
balaclavas and they start shooting. Ntuthuko
pushes me behind him. Everyone just starts
screaming and Nyoni is already under the
table. After shooting, they run away.
Phakeme takes out his gun and he runs after
them. Ntuthuko falls to the grass and his
white shirt turns red. Oh my word, they shot
him. He is bleeding too much and I do not
know what to do. I kneel down and I touch
his chest and he is bleeding too much.
Me: Sthandwa sami, oh my-
Mrs Ndlovu: Ntuthuko! Nyoni, call the
ambulance!

Mrs Ndlovu kneels beside me. I can see that

Ntuthuko is running out of breath, slowly
but surely. He looks at me and he holds my
hand. He whispers the word “always”. I
whisper it back.

***************
We’ve been waiting for the doctor to come
back and tell us some good news. Ntuthuko
better fight for his life. I still need him. I
can’t stop pacing up and down. I really
can’t. Mrs Ndlovu is just so depressed.
Nyoni is trying by all means to be strong for
everyone. Phakeme is so mad. Shaka is
asleep on top of the couch. Kagiso and
Zwelethu are just standing, staring at
everything taking place. After some time,
the doctor comes back.
Mrs Ndlovu: Doctor, is my son okay?

Everyone stands up and gathers around the

doctor.
Dr: Mr Ndlovu has lost a lot of blood. Two
bullets went straight to his heart. We did
some surgery. We honestly did our best but
I’m afraid uh, Mr Ndlovu has left us. He
passed away. Time of death, 03:15.

I try to swallow my saliva but it’s like I’m

swallowing stones. My heart skips a beat
and my body starts feeling weak.
Mrs Ndlovu: What do you mean he passed
away?
Dr: I am so sorry for your loss.

He walks away. How did the day that was

supposed to be the best day of my life
transform into being the worst day of my
life? How?
Insert 28

Nyoni

TWO WEEKS LATER

It has been two weeks since Ntuthuko’s

death. His funeral was a week ago. I cannot
believe this. It feels like a dream, a
nightmare indeed. Ntuthuko and I never
agreed on most things but I know that we
always had each other’s backs, no matter
what. Now, he’s gone. Amahle is trying by
all means to be strong but I can see that
Ntuthuko’s death is destroying her,
physically and emotionally. Yesterday, she
gave me a key, saying it belonged to
Ntuthuko’s apartment. I didn’t even know
that dude had an apartment. She said that I
would know what to do with it because she
doesn’t. I’m pretty sure they have memories
together in that place and her going there or
spending time there will definitely haunt
her. I slept there last night. The whole
apartment smells like him.

I woke up and his cardboards were full of

cereal and noodles. I just made myself
cornflakes and chilled on the sofa, all by
myself. I switched on the TV and luckily he
paid for DSTV and Netflix. I just watched
Harry Potter and the Philosopher Stone
because I didn’t know what else to watch.
My phone rang and it was a call from
Zwelethu. I’ve been ignoring him since the
day of the funeral. I pick it up.
Zweli: Nyoni.
Me: Zweli.
Zweli: Uphilile? (Are you okay?)
Me: Yeah, wena? (you?)
Zweli: I’m okay. I’m on a leave so yeah, I’m
happy. No work.
Me: At least.
Zweli: And since I will be at home for two
weeks, I need to keep myself busy and I
thought of the bucket list. Do you still want
us to do it together?
Me: No, thank you.
Zweli: Come on.
Me: Okay, fine.
Zweli: Let’s meet at Monnet’s an hour from
now.
Me: The one at Midrand?
Zweli: Yes ma’am.
Me: Okay.

He hangs up. I check the time and it’s 10am.

I don’t even have extra clothes with me. I
head to Ntuthuko’s bedroom. The bed is
neatly made and everything is placed in
order. There are some papers placed on top
of the bed. It’s the application forms for
studying medicine at Wits. I knew Ntuthuko
wanted to be a doctor so bad but I never
thought that he would want to be one, now. I
sit on top of the bed and I read his name
again and again. Ntuthuko Ndlovu. My heart
shatters and tears flow down. Life will
always be unpleasant to me shem, I will just
have to accept that and live with it.

I stand up and I check out something that I

can wear from Ntuthu’s clothes. There are a
few trousers. Ntuthuko was thin and not that
tall so they must fit me. I try the grey pants
and they fit me. I pick his black t-shirt and I
shower quickly. I put on the clothes and I
head out.

Amahle

Christmas is in a few days so I decided to

spend it with Aunt Khumbuzile, her kids,
Tumi and Thabo. Spending it alone will
drive me nuts for reals. Ntuthuko’s death
still feels unreal. I saw his body in his
funeral, he was inside a coffin but it still
feels unreal. I cry every second of everyday
but I know that with prayer, God will give
me the strength that I need, I know that he
won’t forsake me.

When I walk inside Aunt Khumbuzile’s

beautiful house, Tumi and Thabo run for
me.
Thabo: Sis Mahle.
Tumi: We missed you so much.
Thabo: Where is New Uncle? He said that
he was going to come with you last time.
New Uncle is dead. He was shot and he’s
dead. He’s never coming back. But how do I
even tell them that? Where do I start?
Tumi: And he promised me a lots of sweets.
Me: He couldn’t come.
Thabo: Why?
Me: Work.
Tumi: That’s sad.

Aunt Khumbuzile makes her way in the

kitchen. When she sees me, she smiles. She
gives me a hug and she takes my bag.
Khumbu: Thabo, Tumi, please place these
bags in Amahle’s room.

They take the bags and they walk away.

Khumbu: How are you? Are you okay?
Me: Yes, I’m okay aunty.

She touches my collarbone and she looks at

me.
Khumbu: Are you sure everything is okay?

I shake my head and tears start streaming

down my face.
Me: I’m not okay.

She hugs me. She gives me a very warm

hug.
Me: My boyfriend got shot right after
proposing me. It hurts. I miss him. I’m not
okay.
Khumbu: Shhhh, it’s okay. I’m here.
It hurts. It really hurts.
Nyoni

We both ordered bubble teas. It’s not even

that hot but I’m feeling really hot.
Zweli: You feeling hot?
Me: Aren’t you?
Zweli: Not really.

I continue fanning myself with my hands.

Zweli: You’re so sweaty, don’t you want me
to get you something.
Me: A swimming pool, please.
He laughs and shakes his head. Zweli laughs
at everything that I say. He hands me his
phone and he shows me something from his
phone.
Zweli: I tried listing a few things for our
bucket list.
Me: Bungee jumping, road trip, star gazing,
hiking, sky diving, dance in the rain, this
list is long.
Zweli: Not really.
Me: You already have your list, what am I
doing here?
Zweli: I don’t want to do these things alone.
I want to do them with you.
Me: Why me?
Zweli: Why not you?
The waiter brings our bubble teas.
Me: I’m not even part of the support group, I
don’t have to do this.
Zweli: You are a part of us Nyoni. And
tomorrow we’re having a session. You
should come.
Me: And listen to your depressing stories?
Sorry.
Zweli: Don’t be like that. We’re starting
with our bucket list tonight.
Me: With what?
Zweli: Road trip and stargazing.

I receive a text from my mother.

Something came up. Hurry.

Me: I have to go.

I place the phone inside my bag.

Zweli: Everything okay?
Me: I hope so. I just received a text from my
mother asking me to come immediately.
Zweli: Oh, drive safely. Don’t forget about
tonight.
Me: I won’t.

I walk out of the Cafe and I drive off

instantly. I hope everyone is okay, I don’t
need more problems. In twenty minutes, I’m
already by the gate. One of the guards opens
the gate for me and I make my way inside. I
notice my father’s car. That means that this
is really important.
I walk in and I find my mom, ubaba and this
other woman in the kitchen. The woman is
sitting on a bar stool.
Me: Sanibona. (Hello.)
Mom: Nyoni.
Baba: Nyoni kaBaba.

The woman just smiles. I can’t say she’s

brown skinned or light skinned but she’s in
the middle. She has freckles and looks like
she’s on her early forties. She’s wearing a
deok, a white dress and a green cardigan.
Me: Ma, what came up?
Baba: We know that you have been looking
for your real mother for months now.
I face down out of disappointment. I feel
like I have disappointed them.
Baba: We found her.

I look at my father and he nods.

Me: You did? Where is she?
Baba: She’s your mother.
Me: Who?

She taps the woman’s shoulder twice.

Baba: Her.

What? She’s my mother? How?

 *******************

We have been sitting in this garden, not

even saying anything to each other. We are
just listening to the birds, that is the only
sound audible enough in my ears.
Her: I’m sorry.

After decades of staying in silence, she

finally chooses to break the silence.
Me: For what?
Her: Not being in your life for all these
years.
Me: Oh.

She just looks at me and her eyes are full of

tears.
Me: I don’t know what to say.

My voice starts breaking down and we both

start sniffing.
Me: I mean I have been looking for you.
Now you’re here and I don’t even know
how to react or what to say.
Her: It was too hard. I was homeless, I
didn’t have a family, I knew I wouldn’t be
able to raise you. I wanted what was best for
you. Your parents wanted a baby girl, so
bad. I gave them you because I knew that
you were going to be in good hands.
Me: And they paid you?

She shakes her head.

Her: No, they wanted to but I refused. That
would be like I was selling you. I wasn’t
selling you. I put you in the hands of the
people that I knew would always protect
you.
Me: How old are you?
Her: I’m 43.
Me: Unplanned teenage pregnancy?
Her: No, not really.
Me: Not really?
Her: I was raped.

She keeps quiet and she looks at the sky,

while playing with her hands.
Me: Where do you stay right now?
Her: COSTA.
Me: What’s that?
Her: It’s a reliable house, where homeless
people, people struggling with substance
stay.
Me: You stay there?
Her: Yes.
Me: That’s it! You’re my mother and there
is no way I’m letting you stay in that place.
Her: What do you mean?
Me: You’ll move in with me.

It’s time I set things accordingly in my life

now, even when everything doesn’t make a
sense. Like now.
Insert 29

That Costa reliable house is located in

Pretoria. It is a good place. There’s a
beautiful garden there and playground for
kids. Don’t get me wrong, it really is a good
place but I can’t have my mom staying here
with some drug addicts that are relapsing
and have the audacity to steal some of her
belongings. She told me her moving in with
me was unnecessary but it is necessary to
me. After taking my mother’s belongings,
we headed straight to the mall. I need to get
her a few things, including food and clothes.

We went to Mr Price and she picked a few

beautiful dresses and long skirts, Denim
skirts precisely. We went to PicknPay and
we bought some food and snacks. After
shopping, we walked back to the car.
Me: So Ma.
Her: Yeah.
Me: What’s your name? Your real full
name?
Her: Lwando Mpaketsane.
Me: Lwando, okay.
Lwando: You can call me that if it makes
you feel right.
Me: No, that would be total disrespect.

She just smiles and holds my hand while we

walk to the car. I’m surprised when I see the
person standing in front of my car. What is
he even doing here?
Qaza: Nyoni.
Me: Qaza.
Lwando: Let me get inside the car.
She greets Qaza and she puts the shopping
bags in the back seat before getting inside
the car.
Qaza: Your new helper?
Me: Wena uhlanganaphi? (What does that
have to do with you?)

He chuckles for a few seconds.

Me: Mind to share the joke in what I just
said?
Qaza: There’s no joke, I’m just speechless.
Me: So you find it cute to just chuckle when
you’re speechless? I’m not even interested.
Lalela la, buyela lapho ubuya khona bhuti.
And I see you near my car again, you’ll
regret why your parents even had sex and
created you. Nx! (Listen here, go back
where you come from.)
Qaza: So you and Zweli and bestie buddies
now? Are you doing that to make me
jealous? No lies, it’s working.
Me: Qaza Khumalo, not everything is about
you. This world doesn’t revolve around you.
Whether I’m bestie buddies or fuck buddies
with Zweli, that has nothing to do with you.
Qaza: What?
Me: You heard me.
Qaza: You are fucking Zweli?

His noses flare and he clenches his fists but I

know that he won’t do anything to me,
especially in public.
Me: Maybe. Maybe not.
I leave him standing there and I get inside
the car. I reverse the car and we drive to
Ntuthuko’s apartment.
Bontle

OH my days, a lot has taken place. My

tummy is so huge now, I look like a balloon.
Everything is just so tiring and exhausting.
All that I do is eat, sleep, eat. It’s summer
season and people are showing off their
summer bodies. I so wish that was me but
how do I do that with this huge tummy?

A knock comes from my door and I walk to

the door to see who it is. It can only be the
one and only Phakeme. He makes his way
inside.
Phakeme: Bontle.
Me: Phakeme.

He follows me to the living room and we

both sit down. The TV continues playing.
Phakeme: How are you guys?

He touches my belly. I remove his hand.

Me: I told you that you’re not allowed to
touch the tummy yet.
Phakeme: For how long Bontle? It’s been
how many months now? Five? And I’m still
not allowed?
Me: Yes. You’ll touch it when I say so.

He just shakes his head.

Phakeme: Aren’t you hungry?
Me: I just had some toast with peanut butter
and cheese, so I’m cool.
Phakeme: Peanut butter and cheese?
Me: Yeah, want me to make it for you? It
really snaps.
Phakeme: No no no, no thank you.
We both laugh afterwards but I can tell he’s
not okay.
Me: Are you okay?

He looks at me and he weakly smiles.

Phakeme: You’re the first person to ask me
that question this month.
Me: That’s sad.
Phakeme: And to answer your question, I’m
not okay. My best friend, my brother is gone
for good. Nthuthu is gone and it sucks that I
can’t even find the person behind this. It
hurts Bontle.

He faces down and I can see that he’s

rubbing his eyes with his fingers. Dude is
crying.
Bontle: Don’t cry Phakeme.

I move next to him and I place my hand on

top of his thighs. He continues crying, he
even moves his shoulders. I take his hand
and I place it on my tummy, maybe that will
give him comfort. It does because just then,
the baby decides to kick. He wipes his tears
and he places his hand on my stomach
again. The baby kicks hard this time.

Phakeme: He just kicked.

I smile. I smile because this is a very
nostalgic moment for the both of us. The
baby just kicked for the first time.

Zweli

It’s already 7pm. I’m about to head out to

fetch Nyoni when I hear a knock coming
from my door. I open the door and Qaza
comes in hurriedly. Dude is fuming as hell.
Me: And then?
Qaza: Are you fucking Nyoni?
I pause for a second because I don’t even
know how to respond to that.
Qaza: You told me you guys were partners
in that support group thing kanti you’re busy
fucking her?
Me: I find it disrespectful for you to come
here and accuse me of such. And even if I
did “fuck” her, that has nothing to do with
you.

He takes a step closer towards me.

Qaza: Say that again.

I also take a step towards him and we’re

now facing each other.
Me: Even if I did “fuck” her, that has
nothing to do with you. You treated her like
trash, we both know that. Now, leave my
place.

He chuckles and he walks out. Phew. Nyoni

asked that we meet up at Monnet’s again for
our road trip. I head there and I find her
sitting alone, having some coffee.
Me: Nyoni.
Nyoni: Dlebenkomo.

I chortle because she just called me with my

clan name.
Me: So, you googled my clan names.
Nyoni: Nope. I’m a Zulu girl.
Me: I see.
She stands up and she takes a bag that looks
like a school bag.
Nyoni: I left my car, so you’re driving. And
we’re going with your car.
Me: Alright.

We both walk to the car. I came with my

uncle’s truck. I just love it and I prefer it for
road trips.
Nyoni: Where’s your car?
Me: This is my uncle’s classic truck.
Nyoni: As for classic.

I laugh.
Nyoni: Where are we even going?
Me: I have no idea. It’s a road trip.
Nyoni

We’ve been driving for almost an hour now

and Zweli is playing his music. My favourite
song starts playing and maybe I’m going to
enjoy this road trip.

Even though I live my life on the road

Doesn’t mean I don’t have time for you
Plenty have tried, almost came close
But none of them compare to you
So let’s live our life, more than one night
Promise if I could, I’d do it twice
So, what you say?
Put them on pause, press play
Hold on, I got more to say

Zweli: You know this song?

He joins me and we sing together.

I know my life can get so crazy

But it’s gon’ get cause you’re right here
None of the gossip, nothing can stop us
I wanna love you with no fears
We can do this thing together
Close your eyes and take my hand
Cause what we have is something special
Baby let’s just take our chance
Baby let’s just take our chance

Zweli: What’s the name of this song again?

Me: No Fear by Dej Loaf.

He shouts.
Zweli: I think it’s my new favourite song.
Me: It’s a good song.

We pass by McDonald’s and he buys us

burgers, fries, ice creams and cold drinks.
I’ve been hungry so I dig in immediately.
He continues driving until he pulls over in
some place.
Me: Where are we?
Zweli: My solace place.
He unbuckles his seat belt and I do the same.
We both walk out of the car. I take the
school bag with me.
Zweli: What’s in that bag?
Me: Snacks.

We both sit at the back of the truck.

Me: So, this is the stargazing what we’re
doing?
Zweli: Uh, yeah.

We both are so quiet and we’re staring at the

sky together.
Zweli: It’s a full moon.
Me: It’s so beautiful.
Zweli: It is. You want me to tell you a
secret?
Me: I love secrets.
Zweli: I always come to this place maybe
once a week and you know what I do.
Me: You talk to the stars?

He breaks contact with the sky and he looks

at me.
Zweli: How do you know?
Me: Because I talk to the stars sometimes. I
search for the sparkling one and I talk to it. I
I pretend it’s Ntuthuko.
Zweli: I’m so sorry.
Me: It’s okay. I’ve accepted his death plus
me staying in his place now, is just helping.
That place gives me comfort.
Zweli: You stay there now?
Me: Yeah, with my mom. My biological
mother.
Zweli: Biological mother?
Me: Yeah. Turns out that people I thought
were my real parents are not my real
parents.
Zweli: How did you find out?
Me: They told me.
Zweli: Yoh.
Me: Yeah.
Zweli: So, how’s your relationship with
your new mother?
Me: It’s still awkward because I met her
yesterday and she moved in today.
Zweli: That was quick.
Me: I know. But it’s time I do things and I
behave like a twenty-five-year-old.
Zweli: That’s the spirit.

I smile.
Zweli: Do you ever think about something
and you hate that thought?
Me: Yeah. I’m battling with that.
Zweli: Want to share the thought? I’ll share
mine after you.
Me: Okay. I uh-

I look at the sky because it’s too beautiful,

it’s view might give me comfort.
Me: I’m a survivor.

I can feel him shift to look at me.

Me: I was raped by three guys. The thought
of them doing that is just-

I block my tears from flowing down but they

just make their way down.
Me: Each time I’m naked, I can still feel
their bodies pressing me down. I can still
hear their groans, I can still taste their sweat.
Zweli: That’s what it’s like but you’ll have
to live with that.

I look at him in disbelief.

Me: What? I’ll have to live with that?
Zweli: It’s not like you have a choice Nyoni.
No matter what you do, you’ll always have
that memory, you will carry it for the rest of
your life. You’ll have to learn how to live
with it.
Me: How?
Zweli: By building a relationship with God.
Me: No, thank you. I want nothing to do
with that man called God.
Zweli: Why? You blame him?
Me: If he really loved me, why did he let
that happen?
Zweli: God makes us go through the hardest
things in life and not because He hates us,
but we go through those things so that they
can help build us. It won’t be easy. But ask
God all the questions that you have, ask Him
why, he’ll answer you. He’s so generous, he
will answer you.
Me: You also did that?
Zweli: I used to ask God why, but now I
don’t. When I was going through what my
grandfather did to me, when I found out that
I was HIV positive, who gave me strength?
Who healed me? Him.

He holds my hand.
Zweli: Build a relationship with Him and
you’ll understand what I’m saying. Okay?
I just nodded.
Me: Your turn. Share your thought.

He squeezes my hand before looking at the

sky too. Maybe he also looks at it because it
gives him comfort.
Zweli: I love you and it feels wrong. I’ve
loved you from the very first time when I
met you. I even made a joke saying “I’m the
father of the house”, just to put a smile on
your face. I succeeded because you did
smile. Then came the Ntsika saga, I took
that bullet for you because I love you Nyoni.
But it feels wrong because Qaza is my
brother. Today he came to my house and
asked if I was sleeping you, I wanted to tell
him no. I wanted to tell him that I love you,
but I didn’t. And I feel like in my life, I will
always be that person, not being able to
speak for myself. When my grandfather did
what he did to me, I hated it but I couldn’t
tell him to stop. That just paints me as a
whole loser and it’s just too sickening.

I kissed his cheek. That’s the only thing I

could do because I didn’t even know what to
say.
Me: You are not a loser. You took a bullet
for me. That makes you a hero, my hero.
He kissed my forehead and we stay in that
position for the longest time. And just
maybe, I love him too.

Insert 30

Zweli

It’s 1:30 on the morning and we’re driving

back to her place. I’m going to drop her off
and head home too. We listen to Sunflower
by Post Malone ft. Swae Lee the whole, way
having a light conversation, with my other
hand on the steering wheel and the one
holding her hand. We finally reach her
place. I stop the car and we both keep quiet
until she decides to break the silence.
Nyoni: I will never forget this night.
Me: Me too.

She squeezes my hand and weakly smiles. I

look at her chest and her Tshirt is wet. I look
at her forehead and she’s sweating.
Me: You’re still sweating.
Nyoni: It’s just hot, it’s probably nothing.
Me: No, tomorrow morning I’m coming to
fetch you and we’re going to see the doctor.
Nyoni: Zweli-
Me: I’m not taking a no. 10 am, be ready.
She sighs and she just unbuckles her seat
belt. She steps out of the car.
Nyoni: I need something from you.
Me: What is it?
Nyoni: I want to introduce you to my
mother.
Me: What? Why?
Nyoni: Why not?
She takes her school bag that has snacks that
we were supposed to eat tonight but we
didn’t.
Nyoni: Are you coming or not?

I step out of the car and I lock it before

following her to her apartment. When we get
in, the TV is playing. She locks the door.
She goes to the living room and I think
that’s her mother sleeping on the couch. She
goes to one of bedrooms and comes back
with a throw. She covers her mother with it
and she gives her a forehead kiss. I find that
really cute. She switches off the TV.

She comes back to the kitchen where she left

me.
Nyoni: Do you want coffee or water?
Me: No, thank you.
Nyoni: Okay.
Me: Let me leave since your mother is
asleep.
Nyoni: Nope, you’re staying.
She takes out Maynard sweets from her bag
and walks away. She stops and looks at me.
Nyoni: Are you coming?
Me: Sure.

No girl has ever invited me over, especially

with her parents around. I’ve never even
dated or had sex with anyone before. I
follow her and I close her bedroom door
behind me.
Me: What exactly is happening Nyoni?
Nyoni: We’re sleeping.

She takes off her tshirt and is left with her

pants.
Me: I think I should step outside.
Nyoni: It’s not like you’ve never seen
breasts before.

She unzips her pants and that’s when I look

away. I can’t afford to have my Dlebenkomo
crying for help for the whole night. She
opens her wardrobe and I think she is
putting on something because I’m not
looking.
Me: Can I look now?
Nyoni: I don’t even know why you looked
away.

She is putting on her socks and is wearing

her pyjama shorts with her sports bra. She
gets inside the blankies.
Me: Please take off your shoes and switch
off the lights.
She faces the other side. I take off my shoes
and my jacket. I switch off the lights and I
join her. She’s not snoring or anything like
that. I want to touch her but I’m scared. I
want to hold her but I’m scared to do so.
Me: Nyonisile.
Nyoni: Yeah?
Me: Can I hold you if you don’t mind?

She keeps quiet.

Me: It’s okay, I understand.
Nyoni: It’s okay, you can hold me.

I draw myself closer to her and I wrap my

arm around her stomach. I don’t know how
but it’s like I can hear her heartbeat, it
sounds like it’s the only thing audible. She
holds my arms with her sweaty hand.
Nyoni: Zweli.
Zweli: Yeah?
Nyoni: I feel safe around you. Very safe.
Zweli: I feel safe too.

She turns to look at me. My heart rate

increases like crazy. That look that she gives
me, does a million things to me. She brings
her lips to closer to mine and we kiss. Her
lips taste salty, maybe it’s because of the
sweat. She kisses me passionately. She
kisses me like it’s the most important thing
to her. She kisses me like she will never get
the chance to kiss me again. She stops for a
second.
Nyoni: I’ve always been in love with you
Zweli.

She kisses me again and this time, she lets

out uneasy moans. She unbuttons my jeans
and I don’t know where exactly this is
going. But if she’s in it for sex, I won’t
allow her. I don’t have a condom with me.
Maybe I should stop her now. But I can’t.
She puts her hand inside my underwear and
he hand makes contact with Dlebenkomo.
That contact does a lot of things to me
because Dlebenkomo starts hardening.
Before I know it, we’re both breathing so
heavily. We’re both enjoying this. I also put
my hand inside her underwear. My hand
makes contact with her. nunu. It is so hot
and it’s like it’s doing tiny heartbeats. I
insert my finger inside her nunu and she
moans a bit loud. That makes us both laugh
but I make things easier for her by kissing
her. My finger makes it’s way in and out of
her nunu a bit faster. She keeps on moaning
my name and I moan hers too. She tells me
that she loves me. I tell her that she’s
important to me. I tell her that I love her. We
both enjoy this while it lasts.

Nyoni

I open my eyes and I expect to see his sleepy

face but he’s not here. I look at the ceiling
and I smile alone, thinking about last night.
Last night was so special, everything about
last night was amazing. Zweli and I didn’t
have sex but what we had was just so
different, it was too amazing.

I make my way out of the blankies and I

make the bed. I open the windows to let in
fresh air before stepping out of the bedroom.
I find my mother dishing up in the kitchen
and Zweli sitting in the dining table, reading
a newspaper. I head to the kitchen.
Me: Good morning mom.

She gives me a huge smile.

Lwando: Morning nana.
Me: I’m so sorry you had to meet him this
way. When we got here, you were already
sleeping. I didn’t want to wake you up.
Lwando: There’s nothing wrong Nyoni.
Plus, he introduced himself and he is a good
kid. He’s always talking though.

I laugh at the last part. I help my mother and

we take the plates to the dining table. She
made eggs, bacon, Vienna, avocado,
tomatoes with toasted bread and tea. We all
sit down.
Zweli: This is beautiful ma.
Lwando: Thank you. Now, let’s pray.
Me: Before we pray, I wanted to introduce
the both of you guys to each other. Zweli,
this is my mother, mom, this is Zweli.
Lwando: Who is Zweli? A friend?

Zweli looks at me and we both do not know

what to say.
Me: Zweli is my boyfriend.

He holds my hand and we both smile.

Lwando: Lovely meeting you Zweli.
Zweli: Likewise ma. Can I pray?

Lwando: Of course.

Zweli blesses the food and right after

opening my eyes after the prayer, my view
gets a bit blurry. I rub my eyes and I open
them again, same thing.
Zweli: Are you okay?
Me: Absolutely.
Lwando: You’re sweating. It’s not even that
hot.
Me: Let me go and wash my face quickly.
I try to stand up but I immediately fall to the
floor.
Zweli: Nyoni!

My mouth starts tasting like blood and

before I know it, I start coughing it out. My
view gets more blurry and the voices fade
away slowly.
Insert 31

Zweli

Nyoni was admitted here two days ago but

no difference. The doctors are still trying to
figure out her diagnosis because apparently,
she can’t even breathe on her own. Everyone
is here, her whole family is here, Amahle
and Kagiso are here. I sent Qaza a text this
morning telling him Nyoni was admitted
two days ago, where she is admitted and her
condition. He just blue ticked me. I was
surprised to see him here.
After hours of waiting today, the doctor
came.
Dr: Ndlovu family.

Nyoni’s both mothers stood up. Her father

did too and we all joined them.
Mrs Ndlovu: How is she?
Dr: I don’t want to lie but Nyoni is in a very
bad condition. We ran our tests and
unfortunately, Nyoni was diagnosed with a
disease known as AIDS, Acquired Immune
Deficiency Syndrome. AIDS is the late stage
of HIV infection that occurs when the
body’s immune system is badly damaged
because of the virus.
Mr Ndlovu: AIDS? How?
Dr: A case like hers is very unfamiliar. The
disease spread quickly, very quickly. We are
trying our very best but she has a very small
chance of making it. You guys can follow
me to come and see her.

How? It must’ve been those douchebags that

raped her. It cannot be Qaza, he is very strict
when it comes to protection and he’s not
HIV positive.
We all follow the doctor to Nyoni’s ward.
They all make their way in and I’m the last
one to get in. Mrs Ndlovu rushes to her and
she kisses her forehead.
Mrs Ndlovu: Sweetheart.
She weakly smiles. She looks so different.
She looks very thin. Her lips are a bit torn
and they are grey. She even has those small
pipes inside her noses. It’s been only two
days since I last saw her but she has
completely changed.
Dr: Her speech is not appropriate. She can’t
talk because she can’t breathe on her own,
she cannot breathe properly.

They all talk to her. Kagiso makes silly

jokes to make her laugh and all that she does
is just smile. I can’t. I cannot stand this. I
walk out because it is just too much for me.

Nyoni
AIDS. Who would’ve thought that I’d be
lying in this bed, fighting for my life,
fighting a disease, fighting AIDS out of all
the diseases in this world. Why not cancer?
Why not kidney failure? Why AIDS? My
family left, the doctor only gave them a few
minutes. I can’t even talk. That’s how bad it
is. Do you know that feeling when you run
for a long time and the minute you stop, it
feels like you’re running out of breath and
you cannot breathe? That’s how I feel.
That’s how it feels like to fight this disease.

Qaza came and I was so surprised. Probably

my family thinks that we’re still dating. I
could see the pain in Zweli’s eyes. He didn’t
even come to greet me or anything, he just
left. That hurt me. When my family went
out, Qaza stayed behind. He looked at me
and faced down.
Qaza: I’m so sorry Nyoni. For everything.

I took the notebook and the pen in front of

me because that’s the only way I can
communicate. I wrote, “I forgave you a long
time ago. Do you still hate me?”

He took the paper and read what I wrote.

Qaza: I never hated you. I could never hate
you, even if I wanted to.

I just nodded. The doctor came in to tell him

that the time was up.
Qaza: You will fight this. And when you do,
I will buy you a thousand packets of
Maynard sweets.

I smile at that. He walks out.

****************

I look at the clock placed on the wall and it

is already 5pm. Time flies. The doctor
makes his way in.

Dr: Ms Ndlovu, you have a visitor. I can

only allow her to stay for only 10 minutes, is
that fine?
I just nod. I wonder who that is. He goes out
and after a few seconds, he comes back with
Samantha and this other guy. She runs for
me and she gives me a hug.
Samantha: Oh my word, Nyoni.
Dr: She cannot speak yet, her speech is not
appropriate. But she can write down.
There’s a pen and a notebook in front of her.
Samantha: Friend.

She places her hand on her mouth and she

tries to block her tears.
Dr: 10 minutes.

The doctor walks out. I sit up and I take the

notebook and the pen and I write, “so happy
to see you Sam”
She takes the book and reads what I wrote.
Tears flow down her cheeks and that makes
me cry too.
Sam: What happened?

She hands me back the book. I write, “I was

diagnosed with AIDS. I was raped weeks
back, by three guys. I probably got it from
them.”

I hand her back the book and she reads what

I wrote.
Sam: Oh my- Nyoni. How though? I’m so
sorry I wasn’t there.
She hands me back the book. I write “It
happened for a reason. It was to build me
up. Enough about me, who is that guy who
came in with you?”

I hand Samantha the notebook. I look at the

guy and he’s sitting by the corner, in one of
the chairs.
Sam: Oh, that’s Sizwe. He’s a friend. He’s
helping me with this initiation thing. He’s
my seeker. I’m not even allowed to be here
but as soon as Amahle told me that you were
admitted, I had to make a plan.

She gives me the notebook and the pen. I

write, “This writing thing is tiring. Tell me
about your life now, how’s the initiation
going?”
Samantha fills me up about her life now.
She makes jokes and all that I can do is just
smile and nod or hold her hand.

Zweli

Walking out on Nyoni yesterday wasn’t a

good move. I have to make it up to her. I
take a good shower and by 7am and I’m
already driving to the hospital. On the way, I
pass at Woolworths and I get her tulip
flowers.

I make my way in inside the hospital and I

look for a place to park my car in. I head to
her ward and I find her sleeping. Her family
is not there, she’s all alone. After a few
minutes, she wakes up. When she sees me,
she smiles.
Me: Morning beautiful.

She holds my hand. She looks worser than

yesterday. That aches my heart, so much.
Me: I’m sorry for walking out on you
yesterday. I got you flowers though.

She weakly smiles and she squeezes my

hand. I take a seat in front of her and I look
at her. I can see the pain in her eyes.
Me: Nyoni, this is hard for me.

I try to fight these tears from going out but

they just roll down my face.
Me: This is hard.
Nyoni: It is.
Me: You can talk?

She coughs afterwards. Her voice sounds so

coarse.
Nyoni: A bit-

She coughs again.

Me: Take it easy.

She nods and weakly smiles.

Nyoni: I need- (coughs) – you to do-

She coughs too hard this time.

Me: Nyoni breathe, don’t talk.
She shakes her head.
Nyoni: I need you to do-(coughs)-something
for me.
Me: What is that?
Nyoni: To stop-(coughs)-loving me.
Me: That’s nonsense. I will not stop loving
you.
Nyoni: My time has come.

She clears her throat.

Me: That’s nonsense. You are going to beat
this. I was able to beat it too. You are going
to get out of here and we will live both our
lives, together.
She shakes her head and tears flow down
from her eyes, down her face.
Nyoni: Promise me.
Me: No.
Nyoni: Please. (coughs)
Me: Nyoni, no.
Nyoni: That’s my wish, for you-(coughs)-to
move on.
Me: Nyoni, I love you. Stop saying you’re
going to die, you’re not going to die. You
are going to get out of here. We still have a
bucket list to finish.

She weakly smiles and she squeezes my

hand. We both start sniffing and I kiss her
forehead.
Nyoni: You are the first guy-(cough)-to love
me truly. I love you.
Me: I love you too.
Nyoni: Always and-

She lets go of my hands and she starts

shaking. Her whole body jumps up and
down on the bed and the machines make a
lot of noise. I call out for help.

Me: Doctor!! Nurse!

It’s like she’s having a seizure. The doctor

comes in hurriedly and before we know it,
the machine does a straight line. She
instantly stops moving. The nurses come in
hurriedly too. The doctor switches off the
machine and looks at me.

Dr: Time of death, 7:45.

And just like that, her soul leaves her body.

Just like that, she dies.

Epilogue

THREE YEARS LATER

Nyoni

I’ve been waiting up here for him. These

wings are too heavy. After some time, he
finally comes.
Me: I’ve been waiting for you.
Ntuthuko: Sorry.
Me: What’d you get?
Ntuthuko: Spiritual battler. You?
Me: Messenger.
Ntuthuko: Nice.

We both fly to a very important event taking

place on earth, my birthday. When we get
there, they are all seated and my mother is
the one talking. My mother, father, Lwando,
Shaka, Phakeme, Bontle, their baby boy,
Amahle, Kagiso and Zweli.
Me: He’s not here.
Ntuthuko: Qaza?
Me: Yeah. Do you think he hates me?
Ntuthuko: He loved you. He still does. He
will never hate you.
Me: Isn’t it weird that we’re having a
conversation and they can’t even hear us or
even see us?
Ntuthuko: It’s not weird.
Me: Why?
Ntuthuko: Now we are God’s property and
we work for him. Now, we’re angels. Their
guardian angels.
Me: Do you think we will always have the
power to protect them?
Ntuthuko: I’m a spiritual battler for a reason,
I will protect them. We will, together.

I see Amahle and Zweli hold hands under

the table.
Me: Look.
Ntuthuko: What?
Me: Zweli and Amahle.
Ntuthuko: It was bound to happen.
Me: Not surprised too. They look good
together though.
Ntuthuko: And she’s pregnant.
Me: Amahle?
Ntuthuko: Yeah, but she doesn’t know yet.
Me: Wow.
I’m glad life turned out pretty well for
everyone. They are laughing. They are
happy. They are celebrating my day. It
makes me happy. I just wish I was
physically with them. But it feels good
knowing that they really gained themselves
guardian angels.

THE END. ☺
 ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

I would like to thank each and everyone of

you for reading this book. I enjoyed writing
this one and I fell in love with every
character. I laughed while writing this book,
I cried but it was such a beautiful story. I
hope you guys loved it too. I would like to
thank my beautiful friend, Nonhlanhla
(Deok Su) for being so supportive. She fell
in love with this story from the beginning,
she believed so much in it and me typing
“The End”, wouldn’t have been possible if it
wasn’t for her. Thank you and I love you.
To my readers, you guys are my true lannies
and I love you all. I have a sixth book today.
That wouldn’t have been possible without
your love and support. A huge shout-out to
you guys.

Email: thusiphilile10@gmail.com
Instagram: phililethusi_writes/
itsyagirl_philile

Dm me for the book, please. And don’t

forget to share it with your friends. I love
you.