Examiner’s Report

Writing
Candidate:
Goal: 7+
Task Cohesion/Coherence Vocabulary Grammar Overall
Achievement

5 4 5 5 4.5
Fix the The paragraphing in this essay Stop Tons of
paragraphing is crazy – write 3 paragraphs translating little
here as well. like this style: collocations punctuation
Some https://howtodoielts.com/recent- from mistakes –
relevant ielts-writing-topics-2022/ Chinese – some good
ideas and a they will complexity.
clear always be
opinion. incorrect.

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a
positive or a negative development?

Their is a common phenomenon in our society ,which is children addiction in smartphone Many children
today are addicted to using smartphones. As long far as i I am concerned ,i think there are three factors Commented [Dave1]: Just include one reason so that you
can develop it fully – and answer the second question as
could take account for it .this is because ... and it is a decidedly negative/positive phenomenon. well
The main reason children use phones more today is for stress relief. To begin with ,with the fast life pace Commented [Dave2]: Simple topic sentence and then
is being aggravated ,there are more stress that burden children deeply ,while the solution for it is develop it
lack ,so they tend to use their smartphones as a measure to relive themselves. Commented [Dave3]: This is a run-on sentence

To be followed ,theAdditionally, entertainments in smartphone are more accessible than ever before , Commented [Dave4]: Don’t write so many paragraphs...
and out of the aim to attract children ,the games or other platforms also equip themselves with more
sophisticated systems , which is mainly based on the recommend the information what you may like to Commented [Dave5]: Tons of basic punctuation mistakes
stimulate them , and with the time they spend in on apps increasing ,, the more stimulus they will Commented [Dave6]: Hard to understand because it is
need, ,so that they will show profound addiction . translated from Chinese
Commented [Dave7]: This is a huge run-on sentence – in
English, you need to use periods, not commas all the time.
Last but not least ,Finally, many parents also fail to fulfill their duty to accompany their children ,which Commented [Dave8]: Use English collocations – not ones
causes more bad effect. translated from Chinese
Commented [Dave9]: Too vague and general

I think it’s addition to phones is absolutely a negative phenomenon. , This is because since the Commented [Dave10]: Use sentences
smartphone just take away theirtakes away opportunities to engage in more meaningful social activities
or do sports activities with their friends .

Although we can not liveit is impossible to live without smartphones as ,and there are also a lot of
convenience and advancement smartphone can bring usengender . But toHowever, much time to be
explored to the world in screen,people may lose their self-control ability as well as their spirit ,no Commented [Dave11]: Don’t use words from Chinese
mention to children . Commented [Dave12]: This is all irrelevant to the
questions being asked.... – why write about it?

Parents should help cChildren are our promising generation in our society ,we should manage to Commented [Dave13]: Don’t translate collocations from
overcome thetheir addictions to in smartphone ,and provide them a more vigorous childhood ,so that Chinese – they will ALWAYS be wrong
we can undertake our responsibilities. Commented [Dave14]: Same issue here....