I am a recovering judge-aholic.

My case is pretty severe. I’m guilty of the typical judgey things you’d expect from a judgey
person, like looking down on others for how they parent, how they do their job, or how they
handle finances. But my judgement goes levels beyond that. I’m guilty of mom-shaming a
person for mom-shaming, criticising someone for the meals she provides her children after
settling on a difficult day-induced drive thru run for my own kids, and rolling my eyes about a
friend not being able to keep our plans for a coffee date but not thinking twice about being the
one to cancel our playdate at the park for the fourth time. See, at that point, my condition had
progressed to stage 3 hypocrisy.

Judgement can become an addiction if we are not cautious enough. Think about it:
● It’s an unhealthy choice that can negatively impact the quality of your entire life and the
ones you love.
● It can feel impossible to overcome/give up the behavior.
● It’s a battle you must face every single day; relapses happen.
● It’s something you know isn’t good for you, but also temporarily and falsely fills a void.

Having a judgement addiction is difficult for us to identify in ourselves. After much reflection, I’ve
narrowed down a few warning signs/symptoms that I believe God used to help me identify what
was going on. Maybe a few of these hit home for you, too.

SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS
It’s so easy to justify chronic judgement through the lens of self-righteousness. If you believe in
a set of morals/ideals and stick to them, that is integrity. If you exalt yourself above others for
their inability to meet the standards you have set for them, that is self-righteousness. Essentially,
it’s a way to boost your self-esteem by lying to yourself about where your worth comes from.
The truth is we are all broken, but we are restored in Jesus. That’s it; that’s the whole truth. The
lie of self-righteousness is when you tell yourself, you’re only broken if you don’t follow this
particular list of rules. If you follow the rules, you’re good. If you break them, you’re bad. This is
why the lie can be hard to identify, because we live in a world with a value system based on
action and effort. Our true value can’t come from our actions. It comes from Jesus. Our actions
later stem directly from who we become because of Jesus. Our worth isn’t based on how much
we volunteer in the nursery at church, or walking back into a store when we realize we forgot to
pay for something on the bottom of the cart.

Are those actions good? Yes. Do they give us value? No.

OPINIONS & OFFENSE

Our digital culture doesn’t help those of us who suffer from Chronic Opinion Syndrome. There
was once a way of life that required us to formulate a relationship with someone before sharing
our opinions on matters. Sitting down over a slice of cheesecake and cup of coffee while talking
about world events wasn’t abnormal, and still goes on today. The difference is now, not only can
we share our thoughts with our best friend during a planned get-together, but we can also
communicate with that friend at any given moment via text, post about it on Facebook, comment
about it on a friend of a friend’s page, get into an argument with that friend of a friend’s
sister-in-law because “she doesn’t know my life,” and before we know it, we’re so deep into
defending our honor that dinner is going to be boxed mac n cheese and the kids will have to
take their spelling test tomorrow without any study help from us. Our sense of self can become
so inflated that we tell ourselves another lie, that our opinion is so important that others simply
MUST know what we think about any and everything. It wouldn’t be so bad if things stopped
there, but they don’t. We judge-aholics take it a step further. Not only do we share our opinions
on things that no one should have an opinion on, you know things like the correct direction to
replace the toilet paper roll or exactly how many is too many times for someone to check-in at
the gym, but we also CANNOT allow someone to share an opinion that is different from our own
without it affecting us. Some of us will argue profusely, never conceding to any “agree to
disagree” truces offered. While others of us will internalize it all, decide we are just too different
to be friends, and suddenly a relationship has dissolved or become strained simply because our
thoughts aren’t aligned. Sometimes, a relationship even ends because the opinion of a friend’s
relative doesn’t mesh with ours. We get so consumed with how we feel about things, that we are
easily offended. Logic says we should only be offended by things we are passionate about. If
you find yourself offended by everything, that’s a sign you are passionate about yourself. If that
is the case, refer back to the previous symptom: self-righteousness. The truth says we are to be
passionate about what Christ is passionate about. There are plenty of matters the Bible is silent
on. Perhaps that is a way of telling us what we should be silent on too.

EXCUSE-MAKING
Everyone makes excuses at some point. From the classic “please excuse my house- it’s a
mess” to the complete embarrassment of rear-ending a stranger’s new car because we looked
away for just a second, we all make excuses. This practice becomes a sign of a judgment
addiction when we make excuses for our own behaviors, but will not tolerate, allow, or recognize
excuses for others. Excuse-making in the judging world typically involves a double standard. It’s
tricky because excuses are often draped in self-righteousness AND offense. For example,
someone with judgement addiction may give a lengthy, unnecessary explanation for why they
can’t donate a couple of dollars at the check-out line of the grocery store; but also gossip and
complain about her friend who ignored the homeless man’s pleas for spare change that he
wasn’t going to spend on the right thing anyway. Often, judge-aholics will make statements that
start with “my situation is different because…” or “I had no other choice because…” What is
really happening when we excuse ourselves and not others is we are falling prey to the lie of
comparison. We are saying, we are better than, different from, or worth more than our
counterparts. And if we believe those statements, then we also believe the inverse: other people
are worse than, inferior to, or worth less than we are. And as with the other symptoms, these
behaviors serve temporary and counterproductive purposes. Excuse-making, much like the
other symptoms, seeks to fill a void. These lies lead us to believe our need for grace is greater
than others’, whereas the truth says we are to admit our mistakes and forgive others for theirs
because we ALL fall short.

SO, CAN I RECOVER?

Judgement is toxic. It is an addictive behavior after all. As difficult as it may be to break free
from this cycle, it can be done. Here are a few ways I believe God is directing me through the
daily recovery process:

PERSPECTIVE SHIFT
What did all three of the symptoms have in common? SELF. Many of us know the right answer:
“It’s not about us,” or, “We must die to self.” But knowing the right answer doesn’t mean we live
out the right answer. Paul hit the nail on the head when he admitted that he doesn’t always do
what he wants to do and that he even hates some of his own actions. That’s how I feel as a
recovering judge-aholic. I catch myself mid-judgement and immediately feel like a failure, like a
child who made an impulsive choice and cannot even begin to explain to her parent why she did
what she did because she knows it was completely wrong.
This is why we must do more than wallow in our own shortcomings; we must redirect our
perspective. When we get caught up in a moment of self and realize it, it is crucial to shift our
thoughts back to the person or situation we are judging:
What could she be going through?
What if she were my mom/sister/best friend/etc.? What if she were my child?
What if my thoughts were plastered across my forehead?
What if I were judged this way?
What if her thoughts were plastered across her forehead?
What if I am supposed to see her and recognize a need I could provide instead?
What if my thoughts are offensive to God?
What if my judgement hindered her relationship with Jesus?

The list could go on…

Shifting our stance from feeling self-righteous, opinionated, offended, or excused to a

perspective of “What can I do for this person to bring glory to God?” allows the brick wall of
selfishness to crack and chink, making way for real change in how we treat others and the
directions our thoughts take to begin with. This practice is a constant, all-day, everyday choice.
We will fail and succeed each day, but over time, it will become a habit to replace the old
toxicity.

ACCOUNTABILITY
Have you ever resolved to make a personal change only to give up on it, regret not sticking to it,
but justify that the effort is just not something you can commit to at the moment? It’s just me?
When you take on a personal challenge, it is easy to feel motivated and determined but also
overwhelmed and exhausted. Attempting to recover from an addiction is impossible to do
without support and encouragement from others. Left to our own accord, we are more likely to
allow excuse-making to justify a relapse into judgement. It is vital to seek out someone you love
and trust to help keep you accountable. Do not seek a person who enables you. You know, the
one who judges right alongside you and might even point out missed opportunities to judge.
This person should be the person who challenges you, who isn’t afraid to call you out on
mistakes, but loves you deeply and has a vested interest in your spiritual growth. Be transparent
with this person, telling her you NEED her to be honest and swift to point out when you start to
show symptoms of judgement. Ask her to check in with you, especially if you begin making
excuses about why you aren’t checking in with her. Having someone on your side, looking out
for you in love, takes away a lot of the burden and overwhelming parts of the recovery process.

PRAYER
Yep, prayer. I almost didn’t want to mention it, because I figured plenty of eye rolls might follow
reading that header. But, it’s impossible to be successful in perspective shift and accountability if
we aren’t in constant communication with the One whose perspective we should take on and
who we ultimately are accountable to. We have to ask Him for the difficult things, like
transforming our minds and holding captive our every thought. We need to sit in silence with
Him long enough to hear His voice. The more often we are in prayer, the more of a reflex it
becomes for us to think about God’s opinion on a matter, or God’s reasoning on a situation, or
God’s perspective of a person before we form our own self-centered thought, utter an
unnecessary word, or take a regrettable action. Prayer becomes the industrial sledgehammer to
that cracking fortress of judgement we built and then trapped ourselves in.

Like I said, I’m a recovering judge-aholic. I will never be cured, but I will mature and grow
stronger each day as long as I keep my self-righteousness, opinions & offense, and
excuse-making in check. Intentionally choosing to train my thoughts with perspective shifts,
seeking an accountability partner, and never sacrificing time for prayer are only a few ways to
help me overcome my judgement struggles.

What strategies have you used to help you recover from judgement? I want to hear about
the victories being won in your journey!