Almost Fairy Time

By
Diana Burbano

Inspired by some guy named William Shakespeare

This is a work of fiction. All the characters in it, human
and otherwise, are imaginary, excepting only certain of the
fairy folk, whom it might be unwise to offend by casting
doubts on their existence. Or lack thereof. ~Neil Gaiman

2016 100 Atlantic Ave #401

Long Beach, CA 90802
310-437-9246
dianaburbano@icloud.com
 Cast of Characters
MAB: A Person Of The Fairy
Persuasion, tiny.
Ariel: Another POTFP, dainty

Moth: Ditto, words get caught in

it’s mouth, sometimes
Caliban: Not quite a POTFP but magical
nevertheless, gruff

Scene

A clearing in an enchanted forest.

 ACT I

Four little magical creatures

appear in a forest glen.

MOTH
Thus we four meet, once more!
ARIEL
Here in the glen, no adults to offend.

MAB
Now is the bewitching time!
CALIBAN
For Puck’s sake, can we not rhyme?

MOTH
But we love to rhyme!
ARIEL
All the time!
MOTH
It’s part of our... our...
CALIBAN
Yeah???
MOTH
Clime, Lime, Dime... (Thinks, gets it.)
Ah... We do it on a dime.

CALIBAN
That. Is really lame.
ARIEL
UGH! (Whumps on the floor) MUST you be so boring?!

MAB
Your attitude is worth exploring.
CALIBAN
I hate this whole rhyming couplet thing, if you’re good at
it, (indicates Mab who smiles snottily.) you’re a show off.
If you’re bad at it... (They all look at Moth.)
MOTH
I’m not bad at it! It just takes me a while to figure it
out! .... (Thinks a bit too long.) Maybe your nose I oughta
clout!
 2.

CALIBAN
We only do it because the old dude makes us do it, so he can
copy our words down. Maybe we should tell him to quit, or no
more stories.

MAB
I like telling him stories!
CALIBAN
Yeah, and he takes ALL the credit.

ARIEL
That’s true. I was in his hat the other day and he told the
Earl of Sandwich...
ALL
MMMMMM....Sandwich!

ARIEL
...That he didn’t know WHERE he got such good ideas, that he
got them from the "Insubstantial air."
MOTH
Keep eating those sandwiches, and you won’t be so
insubstantial, Ariel.
MAB
I give him some great stories, I looove the romantic ones...
but he turns them all weird and creepy.

ARIEL
Oh yeah, like those two cute kids in Verona?
MAB
TOTES! He end up poisoning him ,and having her stab herself!
That’s NOT what happened.
MOTH
Remember when I told him about that nice Jewish guy who
owned the butcher shop? How that became a pound of human
flesh... Bleah.
CALIBAN
Humans are gross. Remember Titus Andronicus?
MAB
AAAAHHH. too creepy, too creepy!!!!
CALIBAN
Dude baked kids into pies!
 3.

MAB
Lalalalalalala! Not listening!
ARIEL
Yeah, and who planted THAT in his head? Cal?

CALIBAN
I was hungry.
MAB
(covers her head.)
Ew. Stop.
MOTH
You may have a point there, Cal. Maybe we should go on
strike, until he starts getting our stories RIGHT!

ARIEL
Look, you lot, I suppose you’d rather we was all back with
that fairy dealer in Brighton?
MAB
(sniffling)
Ooooh. That was aaaawwwful. I’ve never been in a cage for so
long.
MOTH
You’re moulting.

MAB
I get anxiety thinking about being trapped! Trapped!
TRAPPED!!
ARIEL
Billiam traded his best doublet and hose for us!
CALIBAN
That he did. Looked mighty silly trotting around bare
legged.

ARIEL
What if we had ended up with someone who had no imagination?
MOTH
Right, like that awful little brat in the shop.

MAB
Thought I was a bird!
CALIBAN
And I a frog. Wanted to squish me. We’d’of all been dead and
buried in a box near the garden gate if it weren’t for
Billiam.
 4.

ARIEL
I mean, really. Thank goodness for Billiam and his
imagination, say I.
MAB
D’you really suppose most humans don’t see us because they
don’t have imaginations?
CALIBAN
They don’t. The young’uns do, but they lose it as soon as
they get old and fall in love.

ALL
Booooooooorrrring!
CALIBAN
Never mind all that! Quit gettin’ distracted. I want credit
for my ideas!
ARIEL
Credit schmedit, I want to BE in one of his plays!
MOTH
Oh, that’ll work, sure, a fairy on stage, right, like any
human would want to see a fairy on stage!
MAB
I don’t want to brag, but I do actually appear in one...

ARIEL
(Rolls her eyes.)
Yes Mab, we ALL remember when he put you into the speech.
MAB
Calls me Queen Mab...
CALIBAN
Yeah, but you weren’t actually IN the play, were you? I want
to be IN the play!

MOTH
Ha! They don’t even let girls on! Why would they let us?
ARIEL
Ooh. You’re right. Those audiences... no girls, it’s so
SILLY! I mean some of the boys are OK as girls, but
sometimes the bigger ones forget to shave.
MAB
No human, I don’t care how wee and delicate, could ever
REALLY play a believable fairy.
 5.

MOTH
They do gallumph around don’t they? (S/He demonstrates) Boom
boom boom! Like nellyphunts!
CALIBAN
And when they DO play us, they make their voices all twee
and flutey.
ARIEL
Maybe we can convince him to write one just for us!

MAB
OOH, yes. ALL about magical creatures!
MOTH
I’ve got it! We get him to write the play, put the regular
actors in it, and then knock them out with a sleeping
potion!
CALIBAN
No, no, no! They all play 3 or 4 roles! If we knock them
out, they won’t awaken in time to play their human parts,
and we’d have to do it!

They look at each other and burst

out in giggles.
ARIEL
Wouldn’t we look stupid!

MAB
I am far too pretty to be mistaken for on o’ those homely
humans for an instant.
MOTH
(Still giggling)
Imagine having to kiss one!
ALL
EWWWWWWWWW!!!!

CALIBAN
No, they’d have to cooperate with us.
ARIEL
They’ll never do that. Billiam sez we make the actors
nervous. Don’t trust us. Think we’re gonna do them some
damage.
CALIBAN
Mab did manage to drop one of ’em on its head.
 6.

MAB
They’re just so fun to mess with.
MOTH
Easily confused.

CALIBAN
Dya’ know what?? I have an idea. What if Billiam takes us to
that Queen’s palace?
ARIEL
They do call her the Faery Queen...
MAB
Maybe we can ask her! If she commands that we be let on
stage, then the actors would have to let us play with them.

MOTH
How will we get her to listen??
CALIBAN
Mab’s the littlest, she’ll fit right into the queen’s ear
and fill her thoughts with whispers.

MOTH
Sublimminimally, sublimmminihahah, subliminiminimnimmm...
sneaky like.
CALIBAN
Yep. And we get the Queenie to tell Billiam she wants a play
with REAL Faeries in it!
ARIEL
And then he’ll have to do it!

MAB
Or off with his head!! (She starts to wail) But that’ll be
awful!!
CALIBAN
But see, then, we’se ready with our story all set up, and we
can be in it!
MOTH
Then falalala! Queenie will knight us, which will put to
right, us and no one will lock us in cages again! It’ll
be... um... fun! To walk among men!
CALIBAN
Cut it out.
 7.

ARIEL
What’s the story then??
MAB
I want it to be romantical.

MOTH
I want it to be funny. And scary
CALIBAN
What about that time that the king and queen got their nose
outta joint over that Indian kid?
MAB
Oooh. She was so MAAAD at him!
ARIEL
That’s a fine idea! And for the humans?
CALIBAN
Oh somethin’ or other about mixed up love. Humans are stupid
about love. Girls who love boys who don’t love them.

MAB
Sighh...
ARIEL
And a funny bit about a bunch of dum-dum heads pretending to
be actors.

MOTH
Isn’t that what they usually do in the theatre?
CALIBAN
Practically writes itself!

ALL (EXCEPT ARIEL)

Let’s do it, Yay!!! Let’s go!!
(They run around in an excited jumble)

ARIEL
Wait a sec!!!
ALL
What are we gonna call it??

MAB
The Lord of the Rings?
ALL
Nah!
 8.

MOTH
Magical Mystery Tour?
ALL
Nooo!

ARIEL
Star Wars??
ALL
(Think for a second.)
NAH!
CALIBAN
We’ll think of something.
MOTH
Can we name one of the characters Bottom? (Giggles)
MAB
You are such a child!
MOTH
Bottom, bottom, bottom!
CALIBAN
C’mon you lot get organized! Time for us to strut an hour on
the stage! It’s almost Fairy time! We got our plan in place?
(All nod.)
Then quickly, spirits. We shalt ere long be Free!
The creatures fly out in all
directions.
END