AMERICANS IN ENGLAND.

SOUND: Car driving on the road and girly music on the radio with a
girl singing along badly. The radio says something like “Good Morning
Bell Air” She keeps on driving and singing along until she gets cut
off by a cheap car screech sounds horn and engine sounds flying past.

SKY
Screams girly
Oh my god! Get out of your car

SOUND: Opens and slams the door.

Your stupid loser, you nearly hit me, do you know how much my car
costs?

DRIVER
You were on your phone.

SKY
I was texting my dog.

DRIVER
What?

SKY
Do you know who my dog is?

SOUND: Cars beeping their horns and people shouting from other cars
‘Get out of the way’ ‘Hey, you’re blocking the road.’

SKY
I’m gonna sue all of you for psychological damage.
SOUND: Walking off, closing car door, speeding off, and urning on the
radio. Drives to a gate and beeps the button.

RADIO SECURATY GUARD

Hello, this is the Warshall residence what are you her-

SKYE
Let me in its Skye.

RADIO SECURATY GUARD

Okay, um if you could just inpu-

SKYE
OMG, I literally nearly just died, and you are not letting me into my
own house and I’m literally experiencing TRAUMA right now and your
voice is giving about to get fired so let me the in.

RADIO SECURATY GUARD

Oh, aaha umm, I’m sorry Skye, I need you to input the security code,
it’s protocol.

SKYE
(Breathes in and out and then screams)

RADIO SECURATY GUARD

Skye, I really need you t-

SKYE
(screams)
 RADIO SECURATY GUARD
Please Skye, if you could ju-

SKYE
(screams)

SOUND the gate rolls open.

SKYE
(Girlyly) Thanks

SOUND driving in, parks car slams the door running in heels gets.

DOORMAN
Hey Miss Walsham
SKYE
Park my car.
SOUND drop keys into hand.

SKYE
Britney! Come here right now

SOUND Girl running downstairs

SKYE
OMG Britney, I have so much to tell u you I literally nearly died.
 BRITNEY
OMG Skye no. I have so much to tell you. Remember that ancestry test
we sent off?

SKYE
Yeah
BRITNEY
I got an email from them, and it says we have family in England.

SKYE
Oh- my- God-

SKYE and BRITNEY

(Screams)

SKYE
Do you think it’s Princess Diana?

BRITNEY
No, idiot, It’s the Queen.

SKYE
Oh, wait they’re both dead.

BRITNEY
Oh gross.

SKYE
Okay well we can eat scones!
 BRITNEY

And drink tea.

SKYE and BRITNEY

(Screams)

BRITNEY
Tell Dad to get the jet ready... we are going to England.

SOUND Jet noises and landing sound. Man saying

CHAUFER
Limo for Sky, Britney and John Warshall

JOHN
Yes, that’s for us.

CHAFFUER
Where are you going today?

BRITNEY
We’re going to slooge.

CHAFFUER
Slooge?

SKYE
No idiot, it’s called sloug.
 CHAFFUER
Oh, do you mean Slough?

BRITNEY and SKYE

Yasssss I love slough.

SKYE

SKYE: I think we’re here

BRITNEY: Are you sure? It’s giving broke I think the house is above a
career center.

SKYE: You’re right we should turn around.

BRITNEY: Wait, it might be a secret entrance to their Helli pad.

SKY: Omg you’re so right

BRITNEY and SKYE: (Screams girlyly)

SKYE: Okay let's knock.

Door swings open

BRITNEY: Hey, I think we’re your cousi-.

 STEWART:
Fucking hell, you’ve got nice tits.

SKYE:
(Whispers to Britney) Britney I don’t think there’s a helipad in here.

BRITNEY:
(Whispers to Skye) You’re right let's go.

STEWART:
Come on in girls mind the mess. This is my wife Sarah

SARAH:
Hello girls.

STEWART:
And my daughter Champagne. Champagne, come here.

CHAMPAGE:
What? I can’t, I’m tanning.

STEWART:
Oh, come on champagne.

BRITNEY:
Okay Stewart, I'm getting bored, and we’re really tired so please
could you taken us to your castle now, because this place is
discussing.

SKYE:
Yeah, it’s really gross.
 STEWART:
Are you calling my house disgusting?
SKYE and BRITNEY:
Yah

STEWART:
Ohhh, you slags. Do you realize how hard it is to get enough benefits
to buy this place? I had to convince the government I was a black,
trans, autistic, disabled veteran.

JOHN:
You lying bastard. I am a veteran of the Korean war, and my friends
didn’t their legs blown off for you to sit lie. Woah, woah, woah... I
can see it all AHHHHhh.

SKYE:
OMG look what you’ve done to my daddy.

BRITNEY:
He’s literally having PTSD.

SKYE and BRITNEY:

You’re making us cry. (Crys)

SKYE:
We need to leave, let’s go dad.

BRITNEY:
Yah you are discussing and rude and you smell of dust.

SKYE and BRITNEY:

 Bye.

SOUND: slams door and walking down stairs.

BRITNEY
Excuse me lady we are from America, and we don’t know where we are.

JULIE
Oh, hello love my names Julie. Have you just come down from Stewart
and Sarahs house.

SKYE and BRITNEY

(Disgusted)Yah.

JULIE
Oh, right love, you’re in the career center.

JOHN
Korea?

SOUND: John falling on the ground, old people mouning

sounds and background noise of ooooohhhhhhh.

Oh my god I see it all again.

BRITNEY
Omg Daddy not again.

SKYE
Come on Dad, let's go to the airport.
 JOHN
I hate engerland.