SCENE 1

A lit cabaret club stage where

a performance will take place.
There is a small table with
two chairs. CECILIA and JAMES
enter the club. They're on a
first date. She's very
flamboyant and full of energy,
while he's very stiff and has
a permanent look of
discomfort.

CECILIA
Oh how pretty! I love this place.
(Cecilia looks at her
tickets.)
Let's find our table. It should be right up front.

They walk towards the small table.

She looks at the numbering on the
table.

CECILIA
This one is ours.

They sit down. An awkward moment.

JAMES
What kind of music does your friend play?

CECILIA
Orlando doesn't play instruments. He just performs the
music...

JAMES
Okay.

CECILIA
I told you it's a drag show.

JAMES
I don't think I know what that is.

CECILIA
You never heard of a drag show?

JAMES
Nope.

CECILIA
Female impersonation. You know, when guys dance and lip sync
to a song and they wear dresses and wigs.
 2.

JAMES
Oh, is that what your friend does?

CECILIA
Yea. He's a drag queen.

JAMES
A transvestite?

CECILIA
Yes, well, it's not really the same as a drag queen.
Although, I'm not really sure what the difference is, but it
just sounds cuter when you say drag queen.

JAMES
It's my first time in a place like this...Ha! when you said
that your friend's performing, I thought we were going to
see a rock band or something. My bad.

CECILIA
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you knew, but drag shows are so
much fun.

JAMES
Okay.

CECILIA
Orlando is such a great performer too. His stage name is "La
Cochina", which means, female filthy pig.

JAMES
Interesting.

Another awkward silent moment. He

just stares at her. She tries to
smile.

CECILIA
Is there anything you want to talk about?

JAMES
You're so beautiful. I mean like really beautiful.

CECILIA
Thanks.

JAMES
So, Cecil...Is it Suh-cee-leah? Sorry, I'm not so good with
Spanish names.

CECILIA
You said it right.
(MORE)
 3.

CECILIA (cont'd)
(She says it with a
Spanish accent.)
CE-CI-LIA.

JAMES
(Attempts a Spanish
accent.)
Ce-CI-LIA

CECILIA
Good!

JAMES
What made you want to meet me?

CECILIA
We've been chatting for a while and you really wanted to
meet this week. I was free tonight and I wanted to see
Orlando's show, so why not?

JAMES
I haven't really met that many girls online. I'm pretty new
to this.

CECILIA
Yes, you told me that already.

JAMES
You're the second one so far actually.

CECILIA
Great.

JAMES
Have you met a lot of guys?

CECILIA
A few. Why?

JAMES
Just wondering...Like how many?

CECILIA
I haven't counted.

JAMES
That many huh?

CECILIA
Not that many. Maybe ten.

JAMES
Oh, wow.
 4.

CECILIA
Is that too much for you?

JAMES
Not at all. I like a girl who likes to have fun.

CECILIA
Are you judging me?

JAMES
Of course not, sweetheart.

A WAITRESS walks past with a tray.

JAMES
Hey...Waitress?

The waitress turns around and walks

up to them.

WAITRESS
May I help you?

JAMES
Can we order a drink?

WAITRESS
Sure...This ain't really my table, but I'll take it.

JAMES
I'll have a glass of Guinness.

CECILIA
May I have an apple martini? Thank you.

The WAITRESS leaves.

JAMES
So how come you're still single then?

CECILIA
Because it's not so easy to find good guys.

JAMES
You're a tough one. I like that.

CECILIA
(With a twist of
irony.)
How come you're single? You seem like such a nice sweet guy.

JAMES
I don't know, but I am nice.
 5.

CECILIA
Bet you have lots of girls after you.

JAMES
I wish. Are you one of them?

CECILIA starts to laugh.

JAMES
It was a joke.

CECILIA
That's why I'm laughing. Oh, here come our drinks.

The WAITRESS comes back with the

two drinks.

WAITRESS
Wanna leave a tab open?

JAMES CECILIA
Sure. No.

JAMES
We should.

WAITRESS
(To CECILIA.)
I got you honey.

As the WAITRESS leaves, music

starts. LA COCHINA enters from
upstage center, dressed like
Marlene Dietrich in the film The
Blonde Venus.

LA COCHINA
(singing live)
I'm gonna love you like nobody's loved you,
Come rain or come shine.
High as a mountain and deep as a river,
Come rain or come shine.
I guess when you met me
It was just one of those things,
But don't ever bet me,
"Cause I'm gonna be true if you let me.
You're gonna love me like nobody's loved me,
Come rain or come shine.
Happy together, unhappy together
And won't it be fine.
Days may be cloudy or sunny,
We're in or we're out of the money,
 6.

But I'm with you always,

I'm with you rain or shine.

She bows.

LA COCHINA
(Continues imitating
Marlene Dietrich's
voice.)
Hello darlings. Oh, you're such a wonderful audience. Thank
you. Thank you. Oh really thank you darlings. I figured I
should do standards more often. Frankly, I get sick of doing
Selena all the time, but that's what you people seem to
like. Thank you dear, hey! Ten dollars! Gracias! ¡Cuantos
hombres guapos hay aquí esta noche¡ Hola, ¿Cómo estás?...
What are you? A Trump supporter? I can speak Spanish if I
want.
(She switches to an
American accent.)
It's my fucking show! Bitch, if you can't understand "¿Como
estás?", then you got issues.
(She approaches
JAMES.)
Hey there, Do you want to know why they call me "La
Cochina"?

JAMES looks at her with a sour

face. CECILIA tips her some bills.

LA COCHINA
Thank you darling. This is my friend Cecilia everyone! She
is out on a date. Awwww. Let's wish them good luck...
(To CECILIA.)
I think you can do better...
(LA COCHINA returns
to her stage.)
Anyways, up next, we have the wonderful, the sexy, the
forever young (She is seventy.) Miss Maya Loo Loo. What kind
of name is that? Anyways, let's show her some love.

LA COCHINA leaves. The performance

stage lights dim.

JAMES
Soooo, CECIIILIAH, what do you like to do for fun?

CECILIA
I'm pretty boring. I don't really go out much. I just stay
home. I like knitting.

JAMES
You're lying. Your profile says that you like adventure.
 7.

CECILIA
I meant adventure books.

JAMES
I like a girl who stays home. I am a homebody myself.

CECILIA
Good.

JAMES
I'm really into horror movies, but the gore type. That's
like my biggest thrill.

CECILIA
Gore?

JAMES
Yea, I like the bloody, explicit stuff.

CECILIA
Of course.

JAMES
Do you like that?

CECILIA
It's not really my style.

JAMES
Have you even seen one?

CECILIA
Maybe once.

JAMES
I don't believe you. What was it about?

CECILIA
It was just stupid stuff about sacrificing virgins. I didn't
finish watching it.

JAMES
Sacrificing virgins? That sounds interesting. I bet I've
seen it. Did they get get chained up?

CECILIA
I didn't watch much. I couldn't tell you.

JAMES
I own hundreds, probably over a thousand horror flicks, but
there's one that's my absolute favorite of all time. It's
called "I spit on your grave." It will make you sick and
you'll probably puke.
 8.

CECILIA
That sounds sickening.

JAMES
Want me to tell you what it's about?

CECILIA
No...

JAMES
Well, I'll tell ya anyways. It's the story of this beautiful
chick who takes revenge on the dudes who tortured her. She's
a total bad ass.

CECILIA
Good for her.

JAMES
I won't tell you more. I don't want to spoil it for you in
case you want to watch it.

CECILIA
Thank you.

LA COCHINA comes over to their

table.

LA COCHINA
Hey guys. How is it going?

CECILIA
Hey Orlando! You were wonderful as always.

LA COCHINA
Thank you so much for coming.

CECILIA
Of course. I told you I would come...This is James and this
is Orlando. or should I call you La Cochina?

LA COCHINA
You can call me whatever you want darling. Hiiii!

JAMES
Hey.

LA COCHINA
Did you enjoy the show, James?

JAMES doesn't respond.

CECILIA
You're the first drag performer he's ever seen!
 9.

LA COCHINA
Really? I hope I won't be the last.

CECILIA
I love your dress. How you've been?

LA COCHINA
Oh girl, wait until I tell you what happened. It's terrible.
I'm devastated.
(She grabs a chair
and sits.)
It's over.

CECILIA
What do you mean?

LA COCHINA
Me and Bryan are through. Completely. I want to die.
(To JAMES.)
Sorry honey, I don't mean to disturb your date, but this is
really important...
(JAMES still doesn't
respond.)
Bryan and I got into a huge fight last night and he hasn't
returned my calls all day. I've been crying non-stop. I look
horrible.

CECILIA
No, you don't.

LA COCHINA
Thank God for make-up.

CECILIA
What happened?

LA COCHINA
He got mad because I told him that his sister is a...I used
the c-word.

CECILIA
Oh my..Why did you do that?

LA COCHINA
Because that's what she is. She's always hated me. You know
that already. She always tells him that I'm no good for him
because I'm an drag artist.
(To James, who is
distracted on his
cell phone.)
Can you believe that?
 10.

CECILIA
And then?

LA COCHINA
I'm getting there, so...Oh honey, you really need to fix
those eyebrows...

CECILIA
I know. They're horrible.

LA COCHINA
I'll do them for your next week.
(In a lower voice.)
Is he the guy with the leg...

CECILIA
Oh, no. That's a different guy.

LA COCHINA
But you were going to meet him.

CECILIA
I couldn't do it.

LA COCHINA
Because of the leg?.

CECILIA
I'll tell you later.

LA COCHINA
I don't like this guy. Anyways. What happened was that
Mary...That's Bryan's sister. She is planning her baby
shower. I told you she was expecting, right?

CECILIA
I don't think so.

LA COCHINA
She is. Her second child, a boy. The first one is a girl and
looks just like her. A really ugly baby. I'm not even
kidding.

CECILIA
Stop it!

LA COCHINA
No, I mean it Cecilia. You know most babies are sort of
weird-looking anyways, but this one is a special kind of
ugly.

CECILIA
You're so bad.
 11.

LA COCHINA
So where was I?

CECILIA
She is planning a baby shower.

LA COCHINA
That's right. So guess what she did?

CECILIA
What?

LA COCHINA
She invited him, but told him specifically that I wasn't
welcome to come to the party because her grandparents were
going to be there and that she didn't want me to offend
them.

CECILIA
Oh lord.

LA COCHINA
She is nasty...How is my presence going to offend them?

CECILIA
Maybe she thinks you were going to be dressed like a girl.

LA COCHINA
I wasn't going to, but that's not the point. She's just a
hateful woman. That's why I called her a cunt!
(To JAMES, who reacts
to the word.)
Was I wrong?
(JAMES again doesn't
respond.)
Look who I am talking to...Anyways, I gotta run. Please call
me. We have so much to talk about.

CECILIA
I'll call you.

LA COCHINA
Bye Jack.

CECILIA
It's James.

LA COCHINA
Sorry...Don't forget to call me...I'll do your eyebrows.

LA COCHINA leaves.
 12.

JAMES
We should have kept the tab open. Now, I want another beer.

CECILIA
Actually, it's getting late and...

JAMES
It's Friday night.

CECILIA
I had a long day at work. I'm pretty tired.

JAMES
That's too bad. I really like you. I told you you're
beautiful right?

CECILIA
Thank you.

JAMES
I was going to ask you if you wanted to come over to watch
"I spit on your grave."

CECILIA
Oh no, not tonight.

JAMES
So you're suggesting another date? I'm free tomorrow.

CECILIA
Ummm...I'll let you know.

JAMES
To be honest. Can I frank with you Ceciliah?...I wouldn't
mind cuddling with you all night. I'm not even drunk. Trust
me. I want to get to know you better. What do you say?

LA COCHINA reappears on stage

wearing a stunning dress. CECILIA
ignores what JAMES just told her
and watches the show.

LA COCHINA
Are we having fun? Don't I look gorgeous? I know, I know.
Alright up next we have the fantastic, one-of-a-kind, the
self-proclaimed Queen of Newark, Lady Corona.

LA COCHINA rolls her eyes and

leaves the stage.

BLACK OUT.

END OF SCENE.