Central Northwestern Upstate New York Horror

written by

Luke D. Stowell

 
EXT.
A dimly-lit stage littered with different plants. A
road sign, "WOLCOTT 3." A family sits, in the
arrangement of a car. BARLES, the father, is driving.
His wife, YACEBETH sits in the passenger seat, with
their two children, ORTHODONTIST and SARAH in the
backseat. A NARRATOR enters, carrying a flashlight.
Thunder.
NARRATOR
'Twas a dark and stormy night in a town not far from here.
The Presbitt family was returning from their trip to
Syracuse, New York, to their home in the friendly town of
Webster, where life is worth living. But this journey was to
be one of hardship. Here we set our scene, in the town of
Sterling, New York. But as the sun sets, Central Northwestern
Upstate New York gets a bit more... spooooky....
The PRESBITT family comes to life
ORTHODONTIST
Mom!!! Can I play with the drone I got from Destiny USA yet?

YACEBETH
Not in the car, sweet pea.

BARLES
(referring to the sign)
Ooh, look, three miles to Wolcott!

SARAH
(on her phone)
Where's Wolcott?

ORTHODONTIST
Mom!!! I wanna play with my drone!!!

YACEBETH
You can when we get home!

ORTHODONTIST
But it's raining out! And it's nighttime!
YACEBETH
Well, then you'll just have to wait until tomorrow.
ORTHODONTIST
(as whiney as possible)
But I don't WANNA wait til tomorrow!!!
YACEBETH
(Yelling)
Orthodontist Jackson Presbitt.
(MORE)
 2.
YACEBETH (CONT’D)
If you do not shut your tiny little traphole you're not ever
gonna get to touch that drone because I'm gonna smash it into
a thousand little pieces.
BARLES
Now, Yacebeth-

YACEBETH
Barles, I mean it, he's been carrying on long enough.

SARAH
Hey, Can I go over to Jason's when we get home?

BARLES
What? Sarah, no it's almost midnight, you're not going
anywhere but to bed when we get home.

SARAH
But I haven't seen him in two weeks!

YACEBETH
Well, honey, that's because we've been in Syracuse, having a
ton of fun!

SARAH
Pshhh, yeah. How much longer til we get home?

BARLES
Well, we're almost to Wolcott, so about 45 minutes?
SARAH
UGHHHHHH!!!
YACEBETH
Oh god, Central Northwestern Upstate New York is too big!
SARAH
And too boring, all it is is a bunch of empty farmland.

BARLES
That's not true, Rochester is a nice place.

ORTHODONTIST
Yeah, if you like broken dreams and polluted water!
Another sign appears, "You are now leaving West
Mideastern Upstate New York."
BARLES
Well, that's all to bad, because here we-
Lightning flashes. A blackout. All scream. There has
been a crash. We are in Central Northwestern Upstate
New York.
 3.

There is a sense of something sinister in the air.

The lights come back up, BARLES holds a flashlight.
YACEBETH
(coughing)
Oh, god, what is that horrid smell? It's like manure and
sewage had a love child

SARAH screams
BARLES
What is it honey? What's happened?
SARAH
MY PHONE!!!

YACEBETH
What, what is it?? Is it broken?? Lodged in your...

SARAH
No! I... I... have
(udderly mortified)
No service
All shudder.
BARLES
Well, I suppose that I'm going to check on the car. Let's see
if we can't fix it.

BARLES walks over to the crashed car, which is

offstage.

ORTHODONTIST
(running after his father)
Oh no!!! My drone!!! It's probably ruined!!!
YACEBETH
(who is now alone with
SARAH)
God, what IS that smell?
SARAH
I don't KNOW, mom, I'm kind of having a crisis here.
YACEBETH
No, no really, it's like some sort of... Zombie Cow
Enter the ZOMBIE COW
ZOMBIE COW
Did somebody summon the... ZOmbiE cOW??
The two shriek
 4.

SARAH
Wha- wha- what are you?
ZOMBIE COW
I am the Zombie Cow. I was once a normal healthy cow, grazing
happily in the open fields and valleys of South Midsouthern
Central New York. Then one day I was mooooooo-oved to this
wretched place. When I ate the pesticide-filled grasses, I
became fatally ill. Now I wander the pastures of Central
Northwestern Upstate New York, waiting for the next
unsuspecting victim to become my newest cud.
YACEBETH
Oh- oh my, well- you don't want us... we're just two
helpless, meatless women.

SARAH
Yeah, I don't really taste good, neither does she...

ZOMBIE COW
What? No, you idiots, do you understand how any of this
works? I'm a Zombie COW, so I eat OTHER COWS.
YACEBETH
So... you don't...
ZOMBIE COW
Heavens no!
SARAH
Oh thank god.
ZOMBIE COW
But like there's a redneck farmer who's land you're on and he
totally has like thirty different firearms, so I'd like...
run
REDNECK O/S
Why I oughtta!
YACEBETH AND SARAH
RUN!
The two run offstage followed by the Zombie Cow.
Enter BARLES and ORTHODONTIST.
BARLES
Well honey, the engine is shot I- Hello? Honey?
ORTHODONTIST
Are- are they dead...?

BARLES
No, Orthodontist, they're not dead.
 5.

ORTHODONTIST
(to himself)
Dang it.
REDNECK
(brandishing a rifle)
Who's there? Who's on my land?

BARLES
Oh, sorry sir, you see our car skidded off the road and
crashed into a tree-
REDNECK
-A tree on MY land-
BARLES
-well, yes but, we had to fix it, you see-
REDNECK
-on MY land-
BARLES
-that IS where the car crashed, yes-

REDNECK
Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to get off my property.

BARLES
But sir-

ORTHODONTIST
(killing him with cuteness)
Hold on, dad. Ahem. Sir, we were just coming back from our
family trip to the lovely Syracuse, New York and our car
crashed. Now I can't find my Mommy or my Sissy. My daddy just
needs a couple of tools to fix his engine and he'll be right
on his way. Do you think you can help us?

REDNECK
HA! You expect me to feel sympathy like some sorta democrat?
Whaddya think, I'm from Mid Southcentral Downstate New York?
No, son, in fact, if you're not off my land in fifteen
seconds, I'm gonna blast your brains out.

ORTHODONTIST
(suddenly bruteish)
Listen, punk, I may look small and tiny or whatever, but I
can make you feel a pain like never before. I can torture you
both physically and mentally. I will kill your family. I will
kill everything you love in cold blood. Now put down your
silly little gun and run. Far and fast.
The REDNECK runs away. ORTHODONTIST is confused
 6.

BARLES
Son... what was that?

ORTHODONTIST
I... I don't know... something came over me...

BARLES
It's this cursed county. Come on. We've gotta get out of
here.

Exit BARLES and ORTHODONTIST. Spotlight on the

NARRATOR, who has entered.

NARRATOR
How scary. What is to become of the boys? Who knows? Why does
little Orthodontist Presbitt act the way he does? Who knows?
Where have the girls gone? Who knows? Ah, I do! As the boys
try and find their way out of Wolcott, the girls have come
to...

New scene. A dock. The sound of light waves. Enter

YACEBETH and SARAH. They hold their noses.

SARAH
Sodus Bay? God this place has really gone downhill!

YACEBETH
You're telling me. We used to have a cottage here. But then
we were evicted by our witch of a landlady. She claimed she
wanted the place for herself! God, she was awful.

SARAH
Well if we can just get across this chemical soup, then we're
that much closer to Webster! To home!

YACEBETH
(who hasn't been listening)
You know... this dock sort of looks like ours. And I
recognize this landscape.
SARAH
Oh?
YACEBETH
Oh no... oh GOD, RUN!
SARAH
What? Mom... you're scaring me.
YACEBETH
Sarah. Listen to me. Go into town. You should have cell
service there. Call your father and tell him it's a code
purple. Now go. I love you.
 7.

SARAH
What? What's a code purple?

YACEBETH
Sarah Presbitt I told you to leave right now!

SARAH exits. YACEBETH sits on the dock.

YACEBETH (CONT’D)
What do you want with us?
SWEET MAMA EUBIE
Not with "us." With you my child.

Blackout, except for the NARRATOR, who has a spot.

NARRATOR
Spoooky! But the journey isn't over yet! As Yacebeth deals
with the trouble from her past, Sarah heeds her mother's
instructions.
Lights up on SARAH, who is in the town of Rose. She
calls her father.
SARAH
Hello? Dad?
BARLES
Hello sweetie.
SARAH
I left mom near Sodus Bay... she told me to. She said it was
a code purple?

BARLES
SWEET MAMA EUBIE!
SARAH
Who?
BARLES
I'll explain later. For now, I need to find you. Where are
you?

SARAH
I'm in a town. It's really just a bunch of white people
decorations and Suburban businesses. Webster, I think.

BARLES
Webster... no I don't know where that

They both turn around.

 8.

SARAH
Dad!

BARLES
Sarah!

SARAH
Oh, I was so scared!!! There was a Zombie Cow, and a redneck,
we had to run!! Wait, where's Orthodontist? And what is Code
Purple???
ORTHODONTIST
(entering suddenly)
Code Purple is the code between mom and dad in case mom
should ever encounter her old landlady, Sweet Mama Eubie. The
code is necessary because Mama Eubie is an evil witch who
evicted our dearest Yacebeth by force instead of law.
BARLES
How do you know all that?
ORTHODONTIST
(demonly)
I am omniscient.

Suddenly, an old fashioned honk. An woman pulls

forward.

OLD LADY
Oh hello you youngins! What are you doing out so late.

SARAH
Oh thank heavens! Ma'am, could we hitch a ride?

OLD LADY
Where to?
SARAH
To Buffalo? Or Ithaca? Or Anywhere OUTSIDE of Central
Northwestern Upstate New York?

OLD LADY
Well, my dearest, I was just heading to my house in Amherst,
that's near Buffalo, isn't it?

BARLES
Oh sure it is! Can you take us there?

OLD LADY
Yes, yes certainly... for a price...

BARLES
(whipping out his wallet)
Sure, what do you want?
 9.

OLD LADY
No, no, not money... I want... musical comedy.

ALL THREE
Musical comedy?

OLD LADY
Musical comedy.
ALL THREE
Musica-
OLD LADY
Yes, Musical comedy! You see, I was just coming from the
theatre, in Rochester, where I saw an ameteur production of
Andrew Lloyd Webber's "Jesus Christ Superstar!" It was
wonderful! I can't get enough of it! Now all you three need
to do is sing me songs by that very man... Andrew Lloyd
Webber.

BARLES
(getting in the car)
Yes, sure ma'am, whatever you need.
ORTHODONTIST
DON'T CRY FOR ME ARGENTINA
The NARRATOR

NARRATOR
Andrew Lloyd Webber? Really Lady? Of all the broadway
composers you pick Webber? Good god woman. Anyway, the next
hour and a half is just three pitiful renditions of "Memory,"
so let's skip ahead.

We return.
OLD LADY
Welcome to my humble abode! I do have a cottage on Sodus Bay,
but i'm only there during the summer months.

BARLES
Ah, yes wonderful. Now we must be going.

OLD LADY
Oh, do stay for some late-night tea!

ORTHODONTIST
Dad, County Line Road is right there!

BARLES
Thank you, but we really should get going!
 10.

OLD LADY
Oh, must you? Perhaps THIS will keep you here!

She uncovers a tied-up YACEBETH, who has been hidden

by a tablecloth this whole time!

YACEBETH
Barles! Sarah! Orthodontist!
SWEET MAMA EUBIE
Aha! It is I! Sweet Mama Eubie! I've tied up your wife so
I'll have somebody to sing me Andrew Lloyd Webber FOREVER!

YACEBETH
Oh, somebody help me! If I have to sing Christine's part in
All I Ask Of You one more time I might die!

SWEET MAMA EUBIE

Oh, honey, you'll be singing much more tacky music than that!

Enter SARAH, with a large sack of dirt.

SARAH
Not if I can stop it!

SARAH throws the sack onto SWEET MAMA EUBIE

SWEET MAMA EUBIE
Oh... god... this... this city dirt... OH I can hardly stand
the... culture... the society... I'm melting... what a world!
SHE dies.

YACEBETH
Sarah... what WAS that?

SARAH
It was a sack of earth from West Northwestern Upstate New
York. I walked out of the house and dug some up. I knew it
would have too much class for her to handle.

BARLES
Well she may still be alive. Come on... let's get out of this
godforsaken house... forever.

NARRATOR
And it was true... nobody from the Presbitt family would ever
set foot in Central Northwestern Upstate New York again.
Except Orthodontist never did quite shake the demon he was
possessed by and he ended up becoming a mass murderer in the
name of his evil underlord. So I guess in the end, Wayne
County got its revenge. The moral of the story? Central
Northwestern Upstate New York ALWAYS gets its revenge.
 11.

The Cackling of SWEET MAMA EUBIE is heard offstage.

THE END.