Ever-Living Ghost of What Once Was

Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at http://archiveofourown.org/works/53294071.

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Archive Warning: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Category: F/M
Fandom: Outer Banks (TV)
Relationship: Kiara "Kie" Carrera/JJ Maybank
Characters: JJ Maybank, JJ Maybank's Mother, Kiara "Kie" Carrera
Additional Tags: Hurt/Comfort, Near Death Experiences, Canonical Child Abuse
Language: English
Stats: Published: 2024-01-25 Words: 2,679 Chapters: 1/1
 Ever-Living Ghost of What Once Was
by fayedartmouth

Summary

One parent walked out and never looked back. One parent stayed and never loved him once.

Notes

Preseries spec and vague post-series spec. Jiara tones, but mostly about JJ and his messed up
family life. I could have made this tragic and horrible, but decided I couldn’t do that to JJ (or
myself). Title is taken from No One’s Gonna Love You by Band of Horses. This isn’t really
beta’ed, so there are likely typos.
JJ is six when his mother leaves. She leaves at the end of the summer, before school starts.
He’s been out a lot that summer, playing in the marsh and sneaking up to the break whenever
he gets a chance. He’s gotten in trouble for it a bunch, and the local shopkeepers have
resorted to kicking him out before he even enters for his tendency to take what he wanted
without paying.

He knows he shouldn’t do this, and he knows it makes his mommy sad. She cries a lot that
summer, and she’s almost always crying when JJ comes home. When she tucks him in, there
are bruises on her skin, and he hears his father yelling when the lights are out, so loud that it
keeps him up until the house settles into stillness hours later.

So, when she tells him she’s leaving, he thinks it’s his fault. He frowns and promises to be
better. He won’t sneak out. He’ll clean up before dinner. He won’t shoplift anymore. He
won’t.

She smiles a little, sitting down on the bed next to him. “I know this isn’t what we planned,
baby, but sometimes things happen,” she says.

He shakes his head, climbing up onto her lap. Her arms wrap around him. “But I can be
better.”

She runs her fingers through his hair, pulling him close against her chest. “I never meant for
any of this to happen,” she breathes into him. “But I love you.”

He wants to pull away, to look at her, but her touch is too warm. Her voice is too soft. “I love
you, too, Mama.”

Her voice sounds funny now. “I love you, JJ.”

She’s crying, he realizes. This time, he does squirm away, looking up at her in confusion.
“Why are you crying?”

She cups his face with her hands. “It’s hard for you to understand, I know,” she says. “I
know.”

She sounds like she knows, and JJ’s never known his mama to lie. But he has no idea what
she’s talking about, and he wishes she would stop crying. He curls up into her again, feeling
her heart against his. “You don’t have to go.”

Her grip tightens on him slightly. “It’s hard for you to understand, I know. I know. But it’s
time for me to leave, baby.”

She’s still crying, and now JJ is, too. He’s not sure what hurts. Everything hurts. “When will
you come back?”

She doesn’t answer that question. She doesn’t answer, and JJ feels his chest go tight. He can’t
stop himself. A sob slips through.
“It’s okay to cry,” she tells him, smoothing his hair down. “I know it’s scary.”

It is scary. It’s scary like the times Daddy drinks too much or when there are too many pills.
It’s scary like the rent is due and there’s not enough money in the bank. It’s scary like
everything JJ has known is about to change, and he doesn’t know why.

She pulls away and puts him on the bed. She lays him down and tucks him in. She tucks him
in tight and snug and kisses him on the forehead. “But it’s time to leave, JJ,” she says softly.
“It’s time to leave.”

“Please,” he says, reaching out for her. “Please, don’t go.”

She comes back at the sound of his voice, taking him up again. “Some things are out of our
control.”

He starts crying in earnest now, until she holds him closer, tucking him against herself. She
holds him tight like she’ll never let go, like she’s not leaving after all.

“It’s better this way,” she whispers to him as a lullaby, and she holds him until he falls asleep
and JJ dreams that everything will be fine in the morning.

But he wakes up alone. His mother’s bag is gone, and his father is sitting by himself at the
kitchen table. He scowls at JJ, and JJ’s heart sinks. His mama is gone, and she was wrong.

Nothing is better after all.

-o-

JJ’s mother disappears and never comes back. There’s never any note. There’s never a phone
call. She doesn’t call on his birthday, and there’s never anything for him for Christmas. It’s
like she never existed at all.

He thinks about it, sometimes, wondering if things are better for her. He wonders if that what
she meant. If she just needed a new home, a new husband, a new son to be happy.

Sometimes, the thought of her being happy makes him feel better.

Most of the time, it doesn’t.

All the same, he misses her.

-o-

It’s years later when he does see her again. His dad is a bastard, but the one thing he doesn’t
do is leave. No matter how many times JJ tries to leave him behind, the old man crawls out of
the woodwork and doesn’t let him go.

That’s irony, he thinks.

One parent walked out and never looked back.

One parent stayed and never loved him once.

JJ is never sure which one he hates worse.

Or which one he loves more.

-o-

When he sees his mom again, almost 15 years later, it only figures that it’s his dad’s doing.
The old man is strung out on something new, and it’s worse than before. He’s older and
desperate, and JJ tries to stand up to him, to hold his ground just like his friends tell him to.

The first punch is lucky, and it knocks JJ on his ass. He’s still seeing stars when Luke starts in
on him, and the years have eroded his self control. This started as discipline, maybe. Now, it’s
the only way they know how to communicate. Fist after fist, and JJ’s tired of fighting.

He’s had some bad beatings before, but this is probably the worst. He’s lying there on the
ground, staring up on the ceiling, and he realizes belatedly just how bad it is. Something’s
wrong with his breathing; something’s wrong with his arm. Something’s wrong with his
head.

He coughs and tastes blood, but it doesn’t feel like a split lip this time. It gurgles in his chest
and his head feels like it’s been stuffed with cotton. He coughs, but it doesn’t help, and
everything starts spinning even though he hasn’t moved.

But he has to move. Whatever Luke’s done to him, JJ needs to get help. He’s not a kid
anymore, so CPS isn’t a fear. The idea that he might die suddenly becomes crystal clear. It
figures. He finally has something to lose – Kiara, his friends, a small fortune – and his old
man came back to take it all any way he could.

He tries to push himself up, but the change in position causes his vision to go back. He makes
it up again, rolling over to prop himself up on his hands and knees. His equilibrium falters,
and he throws up instead. The sheer volume of it sends him crashing back to the ground,
shaking in his own blood and vomit.

He needs to get up. He needs to call for help. He needs to do something--

“I know this isn’t what we planned, baby,” someone says. The voice is familiar. Too familiar,
even though he hasn’t heard it in years. “But sometimes things happen.”

The fight leaves him almost immediately. Falling back, he rolls onto his back once more,
blinking up at the ceiling. Her face is silhouetted by the light, but he can see her smiling.

“I never meant for any of this to happen,” she says, and she reaches out and touches him. Her
fingers are soft on his face, and he starts to cry. “But I love you.”

The pain is as bad as ever, but her voice is like honey. Her fingers move up to stroke his hair.
“I love you, JJ.”
All the years he’s waited. All the times he’s hoped. All the prayers he’s whispered into the
dark.

And here it is. The thing he’s always wanted.

Weighed against everything he’s ever built for himself.

“It’s hard for you to understand, I know,” she says, and he seems to be lifted toward her now.
“I know.”

It steals his breath. He’s starting to shake.

“I know,” she says again, and she’s warm. She’s still warm. “But it’s time to leave, baby.”

He thinks about Kiara for a moment. He thinks how mad she’s going to be. She’s never going
to forgive him if he does this.

John B won’t either.

He wonders if any of them will be surprised.

He won’t get to tell them how much he loves them, how sorry he is for giving Luke one more
chance. Luke squandered the chance, and JJ will never get one.

“It’s okay to cry,” she says gently. She cups his face in her fingers. “I know it’s scary.”

All the things he’s done. All the things he’s seen. All the things he’s endured.

He’s been scared through all of it.

Terrified.

“But it’s time to leave, JJ,” she tells him. “It’s time to leave.”

She starts to fade a bit, and JJ gasps. He reaches for her even though his limbs won’t move.
“No,” he croaks, choking on the blood that clogs his throat. He shakes his head weakly.
“Please don’t. Please don’t go.”

She coos at him, fingers in his hair, soft like the wind. “Some things are out of our control.”

“Please, Mama,” he says – he cries. He begs. “Please don’t go. Stay with me. Stay with me.”

His heart pounds in desperation, the adrenaline spiking for one more moment as his breathing
catches.

And she smiles. “Okay,” she says. “This time, we’ll go together. We’ll go together this time,
okay?”

Just like that, the adrenaline dies. The pitch of his heart fades as he exhales long, slow, and
with finality. This is all he’s wanted, all these years. This is all he’s dreamed about since she
first left him. That if she left, she would take him with her.
Away from his dad, away from the Outer Banks. Away from all the shit that is his life and the
mistakes he’s made. Away from everything, everyone all together.

There’s no more fighting. There’s no more fear.

Somewhere, he hears someone yelling. He hears a frantic voice telling him to hold on, to just
hold on. Someone screams not to leave him, damn it. Don’t leave him.

They don’t get it, though.

They couldn’t possibly get it.

His mother is here, and JJ’s okay.

JJ’s finally going to be okay.

He turns into her, breathing her in deep. He settles like that, in her arms, the sound of her
voice flitting over him as he sinks and sinks. Everything is going numb now; everything is
fading.

She’s right, it turns out, as it slips away from him entirely and he melts into her.

It is better this way.

-o-

JJ wants it to be over, honestly.

But JJ should know by now.

He doesn’t usually get what he wants.

This time, though. This time he might get what he needs.

-o-

JJ opens his eyes.

He blinks a few times, feeling his heart pound. His breathing feels strained and funny, and the
rush of oxygen in his head makes him dizzy. There’s an odd muted sensation throughout his
body, and the first thing he realizes is that his mom isn’t here.

She’s never been here, not since he was six years old. She’s gone and she’s never coming
back.

In better news, Luke isn’t there either.

However, JJ realizes, he’s not alone.

He recognizes the space as a hospital room, and he’s got an IV strung from the crook of his
elbow and monitors hooked up to his chest. There’s a tube up his nose that feels like shit, but
he’s not alone.

There, sprawled on the couch by the window, are John B, Pope, Sarah, and Cleo. They’re
wrapped up in one another, sound asleep. It looks like they’ve been there for a while.

And next to him, in a chair, is Kiara. Her fingers are wrapped around his wrist, and she’s
sleeping, too, head laying on his thigh. Her fingers are curled around him, like she’s afraid he
might go somewhere.

JJ wants to be like his mother sometimes, kind and soft.

But he’s like Luke in this: he’s sure as hell not going anywhere.

It’s not fair, really. To have such shit parents. The one he wanted, never stayed. The one that
scared him, never left. Pain and loss and fear define everything in his life.

Everything until them.

Maybe that’s what his mother wanted when she walked out. Maybe that was what she
thought would happen. Maybe she thought he’d make a better way for himself. Maybe she
thought he’d end up right where he was, happy and complete without her.

That’s a generous thing to think, and he knows it.

She probably doesn’t deserve it, if JJ’s being honest.

But it’s not wrong, is the thing.

He can’t bring her back. He can’t make his father love him the way a father should. JJ can’t
go back and make himself a different man, a better man. He’ll carry the scars with him, and
he’ll have to learn to put himself together every time.

Because that’s the lesson his mother has taught him, the one it’s taken him 15 years to take to
heart.

When it hurts, you have to walk away.

No more second chances. No more clinging to the past. No matter what you think you have,
sometimes you have to go and you can never look back.

He likes to think of her like that. Not walking away, but moving forward. It’s okay if JJ
wasn’t enough to hold her here. She wasn’t enough to take him. Because what’s real – what
matters – is them.

Next to him, Kiara stirs. She mumbles a little before she sits up, eyes glazing over him before
she realizes that he’s looking back. She sits up abruptly. “JJ?”

“Hey,” he says.
Her breathing catches and she’s up on him in an instant, fingers in his hair. “JJ, you scared
the shit out of me,” she said, and the tears are already in her eyes. “I thought you were going
to leave me this time. I really thought you were.”

He doesn’t know for sure how close he came, but he’s pretty sure if he hallucinated his
mother it had been damn close. “I’m sorry,” he says.

She shakes her head. “No, it’s not your fault,” she said. She pauses and wets her lips. “We
called the cops, though. They picked up Luke. He’s going to jail, JJ. For real this time. He’s
not coming back. They’re going to get him for attempted murder.”

There’s a lot to that, and JJ knows he’ll have to deal with it later. But right now he’s just
looking at Kiara and wondering why the hell he thought he could leave this.

She frowns, brushing her fingers on his cheek. “Are you okay? You’re acting funny. I should
get the nurse–”

He reaches up and takes her by the arm. His breathing catches and his own eyes are stinging
now. “Just – stay,” he says. He has to pause and take a breath, wetting his dry lips. “Please
stay.”

The tension escapes her and she pulls close to him again. “Yeah,” she says, and she doesn’t
hesitate. “Of course.”

And she pulls close.

Something inside him nearly breaks. No pain, no grief.

Just relief.

“I’ll always stay,” she says, she promises.

JJ closes her eyes and leans into her touch. His consciousness is slipping again as the
darkness pulls him back. He’s too tired; he’s too sore. He’s too everything, and he can’t fight
the inevitable.

“Just rest,” she tells him, voice like silk as he slips. “I’ll be here when you wake up.”

So he lets go. He gives in. Because he trusts Kiara to be true to her word.

This way, he decides, is the best of all.

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