wikiHow

wikiHow Staff:
Awesome, so I guess we'll just start in the dating world. And in this day and age, obviously,
online dating is incredibly important. So my first question is, how do you make a good Tinder
profile?

Maya Diamond:
Okay. The most important thing is to make a profile that represents your interests, lifestyle, and
personality, and to be very clear about why you're on Tinder. That's something that a lot of
people are afraid to do -- they're afraid to put out why they're online. They want to cast a really
wide net of people. But what happens is that you attract the wrong people. So when you're very
clear about why are online, whether it's Tinder or other dating sites, that helps filter the people
who are not right for you from messaging you and helps you attract those people who are really
the right fit for you in terms of your goals and your vision for what you want in your life.

wikiHow Staff:
That makes total sense to me. How can you keep yourself guarded from falling too hard for
people that you don't even really know yet, as you're kind of playing that game?

Maya Diamond:
Yeah. It's very easy to do the projection machine, which is basically projecting onto this new
person, all of your hopes, and desires for love fulfilled in your life. And it's very important to not
do that. One way I would say to not do that is, every single time that you notice yourself going
into that fantasy, into that projection, you tell your mind to stop, and you focus back on the
present moment, and what's going on in your life currently. And you really consciously and
mindfully stop your mind from going there because that fantasy and projection can just grow and
grow and grow. So your level of knowing a person and your level of fantasy can be very
disproportionate. And therefore you can create a lack of really seeing the person for who they
are, which is very dangerous when it comes to dating and relationships.

wikiHow Staff:
What are some things to look for, in terms of dating scams online?

Maya Diamond:
One clue is when a man says I love you before meeting you. So if you haven't met for the first
time and the man is saying "I love you", I would say 99% of the time that person is a scammer.
Another huge clue is when someone says that they're in another country, and they're doing work
in that other country and that they need money in order to get back to the US to come and meet
you. That's also very, very common as a huge clue. Again, I would say hundred percent of the
time that person is a scammer.

Another big clue is if someone is talking to you for a month or a week, and does not want to
meet you in person. That's also a big clue that they could be a scammer. It's amazing how many
smart women fall for this. Very, very common for smart, intelligent, successful women to fall for

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this. And so it's especially important that smart and successful people know that no matter who
it is, if they ask for money, don't give it to them.

No matter who it is, whether they say that they liked you, no matter how much they say that they
love you, don't give someone money that you've met online.

wikiHow Staff:
Absolutely. So getting back to kind of a more normal dating situation. Obviously, this word is
kind of tossed around a lot - the word player. What do you think in our dating context? What
does it mean to be a player and how do you look out for that as you're dating?

Maya Diamond:
I would say a player means someone who doesn't really want a relationship, someone who, you
know, may be wanting sex and attention, but is not actually being honest about intention. And so
what you would look out for is a false myth, or a lack of genuineness in terms of the way the
person is talking to you and the way they're holding themselves. I think most people can really
think about how they're feeling on the inside. So if you're dating and you feel into your body, into
your intuition, and into your heart, you can tell if someone's being genuine or not.

So I would say, a lack of genuineness and a lot of production. So they're giving you lots of
compliments, or touching you in productive ways. They're not necessarily talking about things
that show that they want a grounded life with you. They're someone out for a good time, out for
fun, and that's what they're looking for. And you just get that feeling that that's where they are in
their life.

wikiHow Staff:
That's great advice. People have this desire to have these hard and fast rules about dating --
what do I where, when should we first kiss? Things like that. And I understand that that's not
realistic. But it's, of course, different for everybody. What would you say to someone who's
coming, you know, two weeks now and asking, should I kiss on the first date? What advice
would you give to that person?

Maya Diamond:
Is this a man or a woman?

wikiHow Staff:
Oh, I think either one. Either one.

Maya Diamond:
Yeah, so I'll say it separately. For a woman, I would say, number one is only kiss if you
genuinely want to kiss the person and if they try to kiss you, to say, "I would love to, but I'm not
ready for that yet". And to delay it to the second date, or the third date, or the fourth date, or
whenever you feel comfortable, to always pay attention to what your true genuine desire is and
kick it out with that. For a man, I would say to to notice the woman and see if you feel like she is

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desiring exists and adhering to her and her desire and feel into, "Does it really seem appropriate
for us to kiss right now, given our connection or chemistry, the way that she's responding to me,
the way that she's responding if I touch her or flirt with her?" And to kind of tune in and see if it
makes sense to kiss her on a first date. Because what I've found in my work is that a lot of
women don't want to kiss on the first date, and some women do. And so it's about really tuning
in to what the woman wants.

wikiHow Staff:
That's great, awesome advice.

Maya Diamond:
I want to add that a lot of women with online dating don't want to kiss on the first date if they're a
stranger. It's different if it's the first date and you've already known each other.

wikiHow Staff:
What do you think it means to be a good kisser?

Maya Diamond:
Good question. I would say to use tongue, tune in and attune to the other person while you're
kissing them to really feel them so that there's a feeling of connection, to open your mouth, and
to move your head. Also, you can do different things, like using your tongue in different ways. I
would say that really aggressive kissing isn't good. The worst type of kissing is when a man
pushes his tongue down your throat and you end up feeling overwhelmed by that.

I think it's great if the man is leading the kids. But he also needs to be tuning into the woman at
the same time and not overly aggressively forcing the kiss.

wikiHow Staff:
So kind of moving into a bit more relationship talk. So you've maybe been with someone for a
little bit longer at this point. My first question is: What is the best way to give feedback in a
relationship?

Maya Diamond:
Yeah, that's a great question. The best way to give feedback is to, first of all, in a relationship,
ask your partner the way that they like to receive feedback. Some people, for example, like
compliments at the beginning and the end of the feedback; some people don't. Some people
like to be asked ahead of time, "Is this a good time to receive feedback right now?" Some
people don't use that. So I would say number one is to have a conversation about the way your
partner likes to receive feedback and to really listen and to then do what they like. Number two
would be then once you've had that conversation, and you know how they like to give and
receive feedback, would be to make sure that you share your feeling first. Actually sorry, that's
not true. Okay. I would say make sure you share what you're noticing first, share your feelings,
then make a request. For example, it would be something like, "I'm noticing that every time we
eat dinner, I'm the one who does the dishes afterwards. When that happens,

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I feel frustrated, and I feel a little sad. And I'm wondering if you could help do the dishes after
dinner more often. Are you willing to do that?" And then the person says yes or no. Then you
say, "Is there any way that I can support you in that?" This comes from non-violent
communication, which was created by Marshall Rosenberg, who's the founder of this type of
communication that really emphasizes sharing your feelings so that it actually de-escalates
defensiveness. It allows both people to really open their hearts, and to not feel blame, shame,
etc.

wikiHow Staff:
Yeah, I'm a big fan of nonviolent communication. And I think that was a really great explanation
of how it can help. How do you deal with the fact that your partner is lying to you? So if you find
out from how it was, there was a lie? How can you confirm that in a relationship? More
community?

Maya Diamond:
I would say, definitely bring it up. If you found your partner in a lie, just let them know, let them
know what you've observed, and then to share how you feel about that and then make a request
around it. It depends on the lie. If it's something really big, it might really be beneficial to go to
couples therapy, so that you can work through the betrayal or the distrust, and have a third party
in there to help the two of you move through that wounding in the relationship.

wikiHow Staff:
How can you make a man feel appreciated in a relationship?

Maya Diamond:
I would definitely give him appreciation and compliments regarding things that he does,
regarding things that he says, regarding ways that he is responsive to your requests. So for
example, saying, "Wow, when you planned that date for me, it made me feel so special, so
grateful for your thoughtfulness and care in doing that." So really verbalizing your appreciation,
but also showing your appreciation with physical touch. Whatever your partner's love language
is, if your partner's love language is acts of service showing your appreciation with an active
service; if your partner's love language is words of affirmation, showing your partner with words
of affirmation. I think appreciation is one of the lubricants of relationships, it's one of the things
that really helps a relationship continue in a positive way, and really helps it blossom and grow,
and continue to allow the love to keep expanding and growing.

wikiHow Staff:
That's awesome. Do you have any ideas or fun ways to make a man feel special on his
birthday? Obviously, these kinds of love languages and appreciation?

Maya Diamond:
Maybe plan a really fun date, or get him something that he really has been wanting, or create an
experience for him. That can be a surprise, or creating a surprise birthday party for him.

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wikiHow Staff:
Right. How can you navigate dating someone who has a really demanding work life? So for
example, dating someone who's a doctor or a lawyer, obviously, either a man or a woman in one
of those roles.

Maya Diamond:
I would say just about creating quality time. And that might mean that you need to plan it. So
because people have really busy schedules, you might need to plan fast, you might need to
plan dates so that you can have that quality time with your partner. It's really important that you
have enough of the contacts that you're wanting in a relationship, because being with someone
who's not available physically and emotionally is not going to be satisfying. So you really want to
make sure that the person that you choose has enough time and energy and attention for you.
Because if they don't, then you're going to be unhappy, frustrated, and lonely a lot of the time.
So it's important to be very discriminating and discerning regarding who you choose to be with.

wikiHow Staff:
What are some things worth discussing, if you intend to marry someone of a different religious
background, or of a different religion?

Maya Diamond:
How are you going to raise your kids? How would your partner like to engage in their religion
and spirituality, and how would you like to engage in your religion and spirituality? Are you going
to share those traditions together? Or do they separately? How do your parents feel about the
other person's religion, spirituality, and culture?

wikiHow Staff:
So, kind of switching a little bit back to that nonviolent communication stuff we talked about
earlier? How can you really avoid saying hurtful things in arguments with your spouse? Or I
mean, yeah, yeah.

Maya Diamond:
So we say hurtful things when we're triggered, which means that our nervous system has gone
into fight or flight. And our amygdala, our old brain, hijacks our prefrontal cortex, our new brain,
the newer part of our brain and boom -- therefore, it's very hard to not say hurtful things when
you're triggered. So I would say the first thing to do is to notice that you're triggered when you're
triggered, and then to do something to help yourself regulate and calm down. That could be
breathing deeply, three long, deep breaths, into your belly. It could be going into the bathroom,
looking into the mirror, and saying, "Everything's gonna be okay. You know, this person loves me
and I love them, even if I'm feeling angry and hurt right now. Let me see how I can share this in
a way that this person can hear it. How can I share this in a way that this person can really
understand and hear me" A lot of times, that's sharing your vulnerable feelings first. So instead
of blaming, shaming, criticizing, and judging, which is what we often do when we're feeling hurt,
when we're triggered, or when we're attacking, it's to kind of flip it on its head and to share your
most vulnerable feelings. So that lowers the defenses in the other person and it lowers your

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defenses. So number one is to notice that you're triggered, number two is to self regulate, and
number three is to figure out how you can say it in a way that is going to help the person
connect with your heart and understand you in a deeper way -- which, a lot of times, the best
way to do that is to share your vulnerable feelings first.

wikiHow Staff:
Cool, I love the idea of really knowing that you're triggered and knowing that it's almost
biological that you're about to say something dumb.

Maya Diamond:
Yeah.

wikiHow Staff:
So since we're kind of coming to the end I'll ask one more question, one final one? And that is
kind of a fun one which is: what are some ways to turn up the romance in your relationship?

Maya Diamond:
I love this question. That's a good one. I would say to send sexy and romantic texts during the
day to turn up the heat. I would say to plan dates for your partner that you don't tell them about
but are surprises that are romantic, whether it's taking your partner to a live music show, taking
them to the beach, or planning a beautiful sunset picnic. Another one would be to create a
romantic setting in your bedroom. So light candles, put on beautiful music, or romantic music,
get into a sexy outfit, or get into an outfit that you know your partner finds sexy or romantic or
beautiful. And to really kind of create an environment for the romance to evolve, maybe share a
poem or share a song. And then another idea would be to write a letter to your partner and read
it out loud that shares all of the ways that you appreciate them and love them and care about
them and what you see in terms of the future with them - that's super romantic.

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