Hi Sydney

Your statement is great! It includes all the important factors required for a PhD application. If
you want to kick it up a notch, then read on for some fine tuning.

As I give you feedback on your statement, keep in mind that everyone will give slightly different
advice, and you may even receive conflicting advice from various sources. It is up to you to
reflect on the information, and tailor it to what fits best with your own style. If you feel it
doesn’t sound like you, don’t use it! I took the time to give you my ‘deluxe’ editing and
suggested some rewording with scholarly language. However, please don’t think your version
wasn’t fine! I think they should definitely take you – you are such a talented and dedicated
student!

FYI - For a PhD, most admissions committees want to know:

1) INTRO: Catch their attention. Who are you? Why a PhD and why their department? (You have a
strong narrative for this!)
2) What research have you done, and what skills do you bring? (The lab experience you have is
excellent.)
3) What evidence do you have of exemplary writing skills (the Biological Sciences PhD
Requirements at UToledo want you to publish as part of your degree) (Do have anything here
you can possibly weave in? Do you like, or are you good at writing – maybe mention a final
paper that excelled on the topic related to your PhD interests? If not, its OK to leave this out, as I
mentioned it in a suggested revision of the final paragraph)
4) The PhD is a tough degree to undertake and finish – can you cope?. (Bonus – you have evidence
of excellent perseverance and time management skills with your competitive sports.)
5) CONCLUSION: Sum up your key points. Name who you would like to have as your “faculty
advisor” Include a strong finishing statement on what will you contribute.

[Suggested edits in red}

As an undergraduate Biology student at the University of Toledo, my personal and academic
experiences sparked my passion to learn all I can about the intricacies of the mechanisms that
allow us to be who we are within the many branches of biology. Throughout my studies, my
fascination with immunology has grown, fueled in part by a personal experience: being
diagnosed with an autoimmune disease a little over a year ago. This personal tie prompted the
search for a deeper understanding of the complexities of the immune system at the cellular and
molecular levels, which solidified my desire to pursue a PhD in Biology. I am drawn to the
paradoxical nature of immunology—the intricacies of our body's defense system, and how
something that is supposed to protect us can, in fact, turn against us. My goal is to delve further
into this field, contributing to the understanding and potential treatment of autoimmune
disorders.

[Start each subsequent paragraph by first clearly stating the key message you want the
reader to have]:
Undertaking research during my senior year at the University of Toledo has profoundly shaped
my academic journey and advanced my skill sets. By working as a research assistant in Dr.
Heather Conti’s lab, I developed a deeper understanding of how specific components of both
the adaptive and innate immune response are involved in the protection against and
pathogenesis of oral candidiasis which further sparked my interest and desire to continue
studying this field. Research has always been the aspect of science that excited me the most:
performing experiments in labs, analyzing and questioning results, and constantly striving for a
deeper understanding. My experience in Dr. Conti’s lab has equipped me with various
important lab skills and techniques, such as PCR, qPCR, gel electrophoresis, and neutrophil
staining and quantification, among others.

[Review each paragraph and remove unnecessary extraneous words to tighten up your
writing]:
I am fully aware of the dedication and commitment it takes to successfully complete a PhD, and
I feel my experiences in competitive sports have taught me perseverance and time
management. In addition to my academic experiences, I am also on the University of Toledo’s
Swim and Dive team. Through balancing my intensive training schedule and my academic
schedules, while still leading and being engaged in team activities, I have gained many
invaluable skills such as time management, persistence, leadership, and teamwork. My
constant efforts to better improve my times and technique in the pool have taught me that
success in athletics is based upon so much more than just sheer physical abilities, but rather it
requires resilience, determination and a constant drive to improve. There are many parallels
between success in sport and in academics. Both require rigorous dedication, discipline, and
persistence, as well as the ability to learn and adapt when faced with setbacks and unexpected
results. Each practice and competition has instilled these values within me, as well as an
appreciation for personal growth. This is crucial in order to advance my academic career within
the PhD program, as it will require expanding on and growing from previous knowledge and
experiences in order to solve new problems and overcome new obstacles.

During my time at the University of Toledo I have been provided with incredible opportunities
and inspiration to expand my knowledge, understanding, and skills. If accepted into the PhD
program in Biology, I plan to continue to contribute to the university’s scientific community and
would be pleased to continue receiving exceptional guidance from Dr. Conti as my faculty
advisor. I am excited for what lies ahead, including conducting and publishing original research
to add meaningful advances to the field. Thank you for considering my application.